She's So Stoned (for Adultery)

[00:00:00] You're listening to Questionable Material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast

[00:00:09] produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack. QMpodcast.com.

[00:00:20] Hi Brian. Hi Jack. How you doing? I'm doing okay. How are you doing? I'm okay. Are you

[00:00:25] doing better than last week? Yeah, I think I am. You know, time heal. Ow, I bit my tongue

[00:00:31] Jack. Oh my God, time does not heal. Time continues to wound you. Time heals all wounds

[00:00:37] is what they said. I think that was a song or something. Sounds like a song. And I got

[00:00:42] nice emails from people that said, oh, cheer up. Is that true? Yeah. From listening to

[00:00:47] the podcast? Yeah. They're like, oh, sorry to hear about that. Aw. See, I was like, thank

[00:00:52] you. That's nice. Wow. Yeah, it's thoughtful. That's great. Yeah, nice people. Yeah, we

[00:00:59] had some nice people. I mean, I know that's, I'm just a little surprised because I know

[00:01:03] you've never really connected to audiences. So. Yeah, they scare me, Jack. I was scared.

[00:01:09] You made me meet them. I was always scared to meet them. That's right. We would travel in

[00:01:13] our old TV show days and, and you were always seemed shy to be yourself. Yeah. In that situation.

[00:01:20] Yep. Sounds right. What was it that scared you most about meeting people who admired your work?

[00:01:27] Well, you never know if there's someone's going to, you know, come up with a, like a piece of

[00:01:31] paper and a pen and then, you know, get me to sign something. And I think I'm signing an autograph,

[00:01:36] but it's confession. And then they just fold the paper over and it says, yeah, I did that murder.

[00:01:43] Now that happened to you in your twenties when you had that, um, the theater show in Atlanta,

[00:01:49] is that right? It is. Yeah. So tell us what happened. Cause I remember that was

[00:01:54] legal nightmare. Well, back in the Atlanta, I was in a group and we did improvisational comedy.

[00:02:01] So you'd say something. So give me like, what's something you returned to a department store?

[00:02:06] A pair of slacks. No, no. Something else.

[00:02:11] Uh, socks. No. You're good at improv. Just say condom.

[00:02:18] That's good improv. A condom. I like to return condoms.

[00:02:21] Oh yeah. And then I would do a scene based on returning a condom to a department store.

[00:02:26] Well, okay. Well, I mean now, now we're in a web of things that you have to deliver on.

[00:02:33] So, you know, so I did the show and it was really, it was a really fun. Yeah. Everybody

[00:02:37] had a great time cause they've never seen a scene where you're returning a condom from a

[00:02:41] department store or two. And this lady came up to me afterwards and she said, oh, would you sign this

[00:02:46] for me? And I said, took out the pen and I started to draw on her chest. And then she's like, no, no.

[00:02:53] And she pulled out a document because I was always thinking, you know, you just draw on the lady.

[00:02:59] That's how my grandfather taught me. So my father taught me, you know, that's,

[00:03:03] you open the door for the lady. You, you stand up when she's sitting down at the table and you draw

[00:03:07] on her chest. But for some reason you, your father and grandfather needed to teach you

[00:03:13] that separately. Yeah. Because I didn't believe my grandfather cause at that time he was kind

[00:03:17] of half out of it. So I thought he might be making it up. My dad's like, no, he's not making it up.

[00:03:21] So yeah. What was, what was that like in the, in the eighties when he would teach you that?

[00:03:25] Well, I mean, obviously I was, I was a young kid and it was, it was embarrassing for me

[00:03:29] cause he would just go start walking and drawing on people in a restaurant. They had a favorite

[00:03:35] Chinese place we used to go to until he saw them stirring with their arms. Oh, bit of a germ freak.

[00:03:41] So we didn't go back after that. But, but you know, until that time you would, you'd wander

[00:03:46] around the Chinese restaurant. Everybody there knew him and he just walk over and say, you look

[00:03:49] lovely tonight, darling. He was always dapper. He always used to dress up and very dapper tonight.

[00:03:54] And then you take out a Sharpie and just start drawing on them. And a lot of the times, you know,

[00:03:59] they, they were very, it renders people very passive cause they don't understand what's

[00:04:03] happening. So, you know, you expect someone to be like, what are you doing? And they don't,

[00:04:08] they just kind of freeze and look at you and try to try to ascertain what's happening.

[00:04:12] Right. And then he just writes Sam on their chest.

[00:04:17] Now back then though, there weren't Sharpies. So I mean, this must've been like a...

[00:04:21] No, no, Sharpie was an old term for an exacto.

[00:04:28] Like a literal sharp object that he carved his name into these women.

[00:04:31] Yeah. It was a razor sharpie. You can get them at art stores

[00:04:35] and he would always carry one with him. And it was called a Sharpie back then. Nowadays,

[00:04:39] of course, a Sharpie is totally different. You know, they used to say stoned back in the day,

[00:04:43] you know, and that meant drunk and now stone means pot, you know, so meanings of words change.

[00:04:48] So yes. In the court documents, you know, it says Sharpie. So if you're reading the documents today

[00:04:53] and it says, you know, gentlemen approached the woman and started drawing on her with a Sharpie.

[00:04:57] It sounds like, you know, not a big deal, right? But back then it was an exacto knife.

[00:05:02] Wow. Now I thought, but I thought stoned was what you did to a gay person in Gaza.

[00:05:07] I did that in Afghanistan. Oh, okay. So what I did, I did a GoFundMe

[00:05:14] for, I don't know if you, the domain's probably expired by now, but it was adultererocks.com.

[00:05:20] Again, please. It was adultererocks.com. And so what I did was you could GoFundMe and I'd send

[00:05:26] large stones to Afghanistan. So, you know, very expensive because you have to source the large

[00:05:31] stones, which isn't that hard. I just go into the woods, but it's the shipping that's very expensive

[00:05:36] because, you know, 30, 40 pound stone shipping to Afghanistan can be pricey. But you know, you

[00:05:41] would, you would, the GoFundMe would help pay for that. So I sent about 170 or so large stones

[00:05:47] through the adultererocks website to the Taliban in Afghanistan for their stoning efforts. And of

[00:05:53] course, this is where the meaning of words, when I, you know, I heard stoned and I thought they

[00:05:58] just wanted to, you get pot. And I, they said, no, no, send us rocks. And I was like, okay. And I

[00:06:05] sent rocks. Now I find out they use them to kill adulterers. Yeah. Now I'm embarrassed and there's

[00:06:11] a little egg on my face. Right. It's better than what's on the face of the women, which is probably

[00:06:16] a look of shock. It's a look. Yeah. There's a, there's a look of shock. And, um, and then,

[00:06:20] you know, it's, it's a bloody mess, to be honest, and literally and figuratively.

[00:06:26] So now if there's one thing that I would think that Afghanistan has got covered,

[00:06:33] has, there's a lot of, a lot of mess over there, but I would think they've got rocks pretty well

[00:06:38] covered. It's kind of what they're known for that and opium. Yeah. But they don't have Western rocks.

[00:06:42] You know, Western rocks were always a thing and they're trendy there. So if you, if you were in

[00:06:47] a house in Afghanistan, if somebody has like a Western stoning rock on their shelf, I mean,

[00:06:52] that's kind of a mark of pride. It's like having blue jeans in the days of the Soviet union. If

[00:06:56] you had blue jeans in Russia, that was a big deal, American blue jeans. And so if you have a

[00:07:01] Western stoning rock on your shelf or you're not bookshelf, so you, you have a rock there and then

[00:07:09] you just kind of walk into the house and you go, wow, this is, this is, this is cool. You got

[00:07:13] Western stuff. It sounds, yeah, it sounds really cool. Well, I've, you know, think you've been

[00:07:19] charitable for a long time. You have charity in your heart. Yeah. That's what, that's what I say.

[00:07:25] That's what, that's what you say. Just you say, yeah. I mean, that's pretty much how I greet

[00:07:28] people now. So how, so how would it go? Like if you're okay, like, you know I know you have lots

[00:07:34] of interactions with people who work at grocery stores, but you know you know, you buy a carton

[00:07:38] of milk and how does that interaction go? You'd be the clerk at the store. Okay. Hello sir. Is this,

[00:07:45] will this be all? Yes. Great. Ding. Would you like me to bag it for you? I'm a rewards member.

[00:07:53] Okay. That's wonderful. Could you scan your card please? Right now. There you go. Okay,

[00:07:57] great. And it'll be 642. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on. I have charity in my heart.

[00:08:04] Do you? I just, I just work here. I get, I get stoned and I work, I get, it's $15 an hour,

[00:08:12] man. I don't care about this job. I have charity in my heart. Manager, manager. Then I take the

[00:08:19] milk and I run. You just use that as an excuse to steal milk from grocery stores? Well, because if

[00:08:30] I say it enough times, eventually they break down and call for the manager and that's when they're

[00:08:34] distracted. And that's when I take my products and run. Wow. I didn't realize how well I did my

[00:08:39] half of our little exercise. No, you could be a clerk at any mid range shopping market. Like,

[00:08:46] but like an off scale one? No, you don't think your whole foods material, you don't have enough

[00:08:51] piercings and you're not, you're not queer enough. Is what's, is there one way to just

[00:09:00] quickly like super queerify myself so I can get that job? You know, dye your hair purple and put

[00:09:05] in a nose ring and then, you know, be more androgynous. More androgynous than this?

[00:09:11] You're still passing as male despite your best efforts. No one has ever said that to me before.

[00:09:16] It's really nice. So your grandfather would literally mark these women with his Sharpie?

[00:09:23] Yes. Like, like it's kind of a, you know, how you brand cattle.

[00:09:29] You know what? Yeah. It's a similar idea. You know, you, you want to,

[00:09:33] you know, when it scars, you basically have the, the, his, his name on your chest, which is a way

[00:09:39] to remember him by and a way for him to kind of mark his territory.

[00:09:43] Wow. Because you were in his favorite Chinese restaurant.

[00:09:47] And so that was the, the only way that he would just sort of mark his territory?

[00:09:51] I mean that he would, you know, he sometimes would do, you know, more animalistic things.

[00:09:58] Just, just howl? No, he'd pee in the corner of the Chinese restaurant.

[00:10:06] Now, did he have dementia? No, not at the time.

[00:10:12] So in, in his mind that meant the restaurant was then his?

[00:10:16] Yeah. It was kind of letting people know that this was his territory. And if you were going to be

[00:10:21] in his territory, you were going to, you know, basically be marked yourself.

[00:10:28] Was this sort of like the early eighties version of like squatting squatters?

[00:10:34] Well, I mean, he, he did kind of stay there for a long period of time until

[00:10:38] the fateful day where he, he kind of peeked in the kitchen and saw a gentleman stirring

[00:10:43] a vat with his arm. Oh, so obviously this is the part of the story that's true. That's crazy.

[00:10:48] Yeah. Right up to his armpit.

[00:10:51] Oh my gosh, that's gross. And that just made grandpa very unhappy.

[00:10:55] So how did he express his, his displeasure considering he thought he owned the restaurant

[00:11:01] and all the women inside it? Well, he never returned to the

[00:11:04] restaurant for one. And I don't want to suggest that he burned it down,

[00:11:11] but he rented a petrol truck and parked it in front of the restaurant and put a cigar in the pipe

[00:11:23] and ran away.

[00:11:28] It doesn't mean he burned down the restaurant. I didn't hear a restaurant in it.

[00:11:33] Barely any part of that story.

[00:11:34] Yeah. And that was, that was what we went with for the defense.

[00:11:40] Speaking of legal problems, isn't that how this all started? Where we were,

[00:11:47] how the hell, what bit would it start with? I don't remember Jack.

[00:11:52] What in God's name was it? Autographs. Autographs led us down that.

[00:11:58] Oh, so sneaking up to sign early days you got burned.

[00:12:03] Yeah. I got burned at an improv show. Okay. An improv show. And we haven't found out what

[00:12:07] hat, what that was all about. Okay. This is, that's what it is. This is like inception of comedy.

[00:12:12] I'm going five layers deep and then try to come back. Okay.

[00:12:16] That's what happened. That's right. All right. So Brian,

[00:12:18] or we've gone down sort of like in an, in inception wormhole and we now need to come

[00:12:22] back to where we originally were, which was this fan of yours, the son of a bitch making you sign

[00:12:30] a, some sort of confession or something when she was pretending in Atlanta to ask for your

[00:12:35] autograph. So finish that story because it's heartbreaking. So she hands me the document

[00:12:41] after I tried to sign her body. She says, no, no, no, it's this. And she had to be a piece of paper

[00:12:47] and a Sharpie and like the permanent marker. And I, I sign it, sign my name on it. The best

[00:12:53] signature I've ever done. Even my friends in the improv troupe, they looked at like, Brian,

[00:12:57] that's the best signature you've ever done. That that's definitely, definitely your signature.

[00:13:01] And she takes it and she says, thank you very much. And then she unfolds it.

[00:13:07] And it says that I killed Amelia Earhart. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Says I, I, it's a whole confession

[00:13:17] about how I hid in the back of the plane. And when she was flying over the ocean, I snuck up on her

[00:13:22] and conked her on the head with a frying pan. And then I dragged her lifeless body

[00:13:28] to the door of the plane. And I opened up the door and I threw her out.

[00:13:33] And what was weird is I threw her out at the same time that DB Cooper

[00:13:39] had jumped out of a jumbo jet with all the money he stole.

[00:13:42] Uh-huh. And he landed on her and impregnated her as they were falling.

[00:13:53] What? Landed in a tropical island. And there's a whole island of baby DB Cooper Earhart kids.

[00:14:01] Oh my gosh. Crazy. That's so crazy. I can understand why you'd be so reticent to sign

[00:14:07] your name to anything. Yeah. And you know, so she, she's like, she's like, I got you. I got

[00:14:13] you. And I was like, Oh my God, I guess I'm going to move. Oh. And that's why you decided to come up

[00:14:18] to New York? No, I just moved two doors down, which turned out to be a stupid thing because

[00:14:23] she found me very quickly. Very quick. She's like, weren't you over there? I'm like, I used

[00:14:28] to until last week. And then now I'm here and she was like, all right, gotcha. So then I moved again.

[00:14:35] That where'd you move to? I don't want to say. She's not listening. I doubt it. New Guinea.

[00:14:48] And that's where Amelia Earhart's uncle was eaten. Yes. Sadly. Yeah. That is sad. That's

[00:14:56] very sad. It was sad, but it was a, there was a cool, the menu description was really lovely.

[00:15:00] It was like top notch. Do you still remember what it said? Yeah. What did it say? I'm so

[00:15:05] interested. Amelia Earhart's uncle on a menu in New Guinea. Well, it was salted and seasoned

[00:15:13] buttocks of screaming man. Right. And that always stuck with me. Yeah. That's something that would

[00:15:26] stick with you. How many portions did they have? I mean, he was, he was in good shape,

[00:15:31] so there wasn't a ton, but it was very, it was very lean. Oh, so you had it. I mean,

[00:15:38] I don't want to say I did cause people look at cannibals weird.

[00:15:42] Just really quickly before we move on in the, cause this has been so far a very

[00:15:47] clean and structured segment. Yes. But what I would just like to do is just, you know,

[00:15:54] can you tell us just about a few other sort of, cause I know there have been a lot, it's sort of

[00:15:58] like David Letterman with a stalker and everything. I know there've been a lot of difficult fan

[00:16:02] interactions over the years. You've been on stage and, and entertaining America for over 60 years.

[00:16:09] And so I would love just to hear a few more of those stories. Sure. At your, at your,

[00:16:16] was it eighth or ninth grade chorus concert? Yeah. There was a big, like, apparently you had

[00:16:20] a super fan. What happened with that? Well, it was, it was Tina Simons. Okay. Okay.

[00:16:29] And she came up to me and she said, well, you're a really good singer. Can you sing again? That,

[00:16:35] that, that one note for me? And I was like, yeah. And I was like, yeah. And then she goes,

[00:16:41] your breath smells like rotten socks. And she ran off and she told everybody in middle school.

[00:16:46] Oh no. Yeah. It ruined me. She came, she came out pretending she was a fan

[00:16:53] and then use that to tell me that my breath stank.

[00:16:56] What a horrible, that's not a good fan. No. And she wasn't. If that's why I never know.

[00:17:01] That's why I was always scared. Somebody says, oh, I really like your show. And I'd be like,

[00:17:06] back off. You scare me. What happened to Tina? Somebody conked her in the head with a frying pan

[00:17:18] when she was on a roller coaster at Six Flags in Philadelphia.

[00:17:23] That's terrible. Yeah. And they never found the person who did it. They didn't have cameras back

[00:17:31] then. Oh, those are the days. You know, you'd have that drop where they take the photograph of

[00:17:36] everybody to get that shocked expression. Yeah. Worst thing in the world would be if it was you

[00:17:41] holding a frying pan over Tina's head with a happy expression on your face. Cause you're about to

[00:17:47] nullify the girl who screwed up your middle school experience. Sure. Made you get out of

[00:17:52] the chorus cause your breath stank, but they didn't have cameras back then. So no limp and

[00:17:58] lifeless body just rolled into the bottom of the roller coaster when the ride was over and

[00:18:03] they kept asking her to get out. She didn't get out. So what happened after that? I got popcorn

[00:18:16] and diet coke. No, I meant her. Oh, I don't know. I've, you know, she was, I guess, you know,

[00:18:21] she died, they buried her. Okay. It's a shame to waste all that meat when you diet six flags though.

[00:18:30] They, they put the flags at half mast all six. Is that true? Yeah. For a week.

[00:18:42] Wow. I didn't say I didn't know that. Yeah. It was six flags at half mast.

[00:18:47] It's powerful. It is really powerful. Just one more Brian, really quickly. Cause this

[00:18:53] one happened while we knew each other. Obviously you were in Poland with your illegal immigrant

[00:18:59] wife and visiting her country. She's legal, legal. We did it the right way.

[00:19:06] Visiting the country that she's loyal to. And speaking in her gibberish language. And I know

[00:19:12] a fan, I guess, recognize you internationally, which is so exciting, but apparently it went

[00:19:17] south really quickly. What happened in Poland of all places? I was touring one place, a very

[00:19:24] famous place in Poland, like a landmark. And I was there wandering around and, and then we were

[00:19:33] probably near crematoria four, which is in the Birkenau complex. And I had, you know, I shouldn't

[00:19:42] have done this, but at the time it wasn't well monitored at Auschwitz. And I kind of reached

[00:19:46] down and I grabbed a piece of brick cause it was, and I just wanted like a little souvenir.

[00:19:51] And this person across looked over at me and said, wait a second. I think I know you. And so like,

[00:19:59] I, you know, I put the, I put the brick down, obviously not going to steal a brick in front

[00:20:03] of somebody who knows me. Yeah. And they came over and we started talking and she's like,

[00:20:11] she's like, I'm, you know, I'm a, I'm a big fan of your show.

[00:20:15] Ah, that's cool.

[00:20:15] You know, I, I'm over here. I live in Argentina now, but I just came back here to see, to see

[00:20:23] my grandpa's former, where my grandpa was here. And I was like, Oh my God, that's terrible. She's

[00:20:29] like, well, no, he, he loved it. And, and I was like, Oh wow. I mean, he's probably the only one

[00:20:35] because what a nightmare place this is. It's really, it's a very grim landmark. And she's like,

[00:20:40] do me a favor and sign me, you know, your autograph. I'd love to have your autograph,

[00:20:45] big fan of the show. And I said, sure. So I signed it and I said, who am I signing it for?

[00:20:50] And she said, Barbara, Barbara Mengele. And then it hit me.

[00:20:57] What hit you?

[00:20:57] She did. Right after I said, wait a second, your dad or your grandpa was he's the Dr. Mengele?

[00:21:08] And, and, and she's like, yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, Oh my God, he was a psychopath.

[00:21:13] And that's when she hit me. And then she turned up no longer. She stopped watching the show

[00:21:16] that day.

[00:21:18] I, I, I remember when our numbers went down that week and I was like,

[00:21:21] what is Brian doing over there?

[00:21:22] Yeah. And it was, it was, she was the one.

[00:21:25] Oh man.

[00:21:26] Yeah. And that's when the, you know, the, the, the downloads from Argentina stop.

[00:21:32] Well, Brian, thanks for whatever this was.

[00:21:34] I don't know what it was, Jack. My mind is elsewhere.

[00:21:39] Where's your mind before we end the segment?

[00:21:41] I'm getting ready for heat training.

[00:21:44] Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, let's, let's play the music thing so people can hit refresh and

[00:21:49] then tell us about this training thing.

[00:21:50] Okay.

[00:21:53] So Brian, I hear there's some training going on in your life soon. Tell us about it.

[00:21:56] Yeah, that's right. There is. I'm doing heat training, Jack.

[00:22:00] Now, I don't know what heat training is.

[00:22:06] It's called hostile environment awareness training.

[00:22:12] Okay.

[00:22:13] And it's, it's for people who work in humanitarian aid or other,

[00:22:18] other organizations where they might wind up in a weird predicament.

[00:22:24] A predicament.

[00:22:25] Yeah.

[00:22:26] Do you have any, anyone in your life, any friends or colleagues who've been in any predicaments

[00:22:30] lately?

[00:22:31] It's funny you mentioned that. Yeah. I had a friend and several colleagues who were in a

[00:22:36] predicament.

[00:22:38] And, and now we are learning how to get out of predicaments.

[00:22:43] I see. I see. Okay. So this is interesting. So you're

[00:22:47] committed enough to continue to do your work. And this is real. You have to fly somewhere to

[00:22:52] get heat training.

[00:22:53] So it's in West Virginia, which is a, it's been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember.

[00:22:59] Yeah. And like you and everyone else.

[00:23:01] And so I'm going to West Virginia. There's a big training ground there. And apparently when you

[00:23:06] arrive, they're treating it like a country.

[00:23:11] Like I forget the name of the country. Like it's called Lamaristan or something like that. So

[00:23:15] it's a country you're going to go through, like the, you know, the entering the country process.

[00:23:20] We have a background on the country. They're in the middle of civil strife. There's like a,

[00:23:25] they have a government that's not popular. They have a resistance movement. There's terrorism.

[00:23:32] And so we're, we're going to be learning how to function in an environment like that.

[00:23:38] Okay. But how to function in what, like what, I mean, you run a warehouse in a

[00:23:45] You run a warehouse in a food charity delivery system.

[00:23:52] Yes.

[00:23:53] What do you have to do? Like, look, what would that even be?

[00:23:58] I don't know.

[00:24:00] Okay.

[00:24:00] But I'll be there from Monday through Friday.

[00:24:04] Man.

[00:24:04] Apparently some 7am to 8pm.

[00:24:08] Ew, really?

[00:24:09] Yes. It's a lot of training.

[00:24:11] That's terrible.

[00:24:12] That's what everyone said.

[00:24:17] And again, and HEAT stands for again, I'm sorry?

[00:24:19] Hostile Environment Awareness Training.

[00:24:23] Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. And now you, your son, I'm not going to say which one,

[00:24:29] but you have a son who's going to a really good school, a really good college.

[00:24:35] And at his college is, it happens to be one of the college where these

[00:24:41] awesome righteous protesters are totally not harassing Jewish people.

[00:24:46] And you had to get some HEAT training.

[00:24:49] Yes.

[00:24:50] Just to go pick him up from school, from college.

[00:24:54] Yeah. So yeah. So you, I was trained last week in, it's a

[00:25:00] hostile college environment awareness training. So he,

[00:25:04] HEAT.

[00:25:06] And yeah, so basically there, you know, there are certain things you need to know.

[00:25:09] Like, you know, if you have a star of David hat, don't wear it near a college campus.

[00:25:16] Okay. Smart.

[00:25:17] If you like to sing in Hebrew, don't.

[00:25:22] And at college campus stick to, stick to something else like

[00:25:27] Muse or some other, some other band.

[00:25:31] Right.

[00:25:32] Or just sing like protest songs.

[00:25:35] Or just go right.

[00:25:35] Right.

[00:25:36] Halah, halah, halah, halah, halah.

[00:25:39] Cause that sounds vaguely Middle Eastern.

[00:25:42] Mm-hmm.

[00:25:42] And so, you know, that way you, you, what they, they, you want to blend in.

[00:25:46] You don't want to stick out.

[00:25:47] That's, they were very like they, they made that, they said that the first day.

[00:25:52] If your people are running around with signs saying kill the Jews,

[00:25:56] get yourself a modern Sharpie and a piece of cardboard and, and just say, you know,

[00:26:02] and just write the same thing.

[00:26:05] Oh, so just, so just copy their.

[00:26:07] Or destroy Israel and just put it.

[00:26:09] And that's kind of like a passport to the kingdom of these people.

[00:26:15] Mm-hmm.

[00:26:16] It's there.

[00:26:16] It's like their temporary kingdom.

[00:26:19] Almost it's like a caliphate.

[00:26:20] That's great.

[00:26:21] Mm-hmm.

[00:26:22] But instead of the Quran, it's just postmodernism and decolonizing.

[00:26:28] Mm-hmm.

[00:26:28] So academic people.

[00:26:30] Lots of great words you're using.

[00:26:31] Yeah.

[00:26:33] Deconstruction, Jack.

[00:26:36] Deconstruction.

[00:26:36] So, okay.

[00:26:37] Challenge the narrative.

[00:26:40] So you were.

[00:26:41] Inclusion.

[00:26:42] Inclusion.

[00:26:43] You were ready then Brian to pick up your son?

[00:26:47] You know, did you run into any sort of problem?

[00:26:50] You know, did you have to show your ID to get in and pick up your son?

[00:26:54] How was your son's extraction?

[00:26:56] How was your son's extraction?

[00:26:59] Well, I, you know, I showed my ID.

[00:27:03] Mm-hmm.

[00:27:04] And they looked at it and they scrutinized it.

[00:27:07] And they looked at me and then they measured my head.

[00:27:12] And then they held up a card that had different skin tones on it.

[00:27:16] And they held that next to my cheek.

[00:27:19] And then they had a little conference and they were chatting.

[00:27:21] And they looked and they were like, are you a Zionist?

[00:27:24] Mm-hmm.

[00:27:25] And I was like, what?

[00:27:29] Seriously?

[00:27:30] Because that's what I was taught.

[00:27:31] Uh-huh.

[00:27:32] You don't say, yeah.

[00:27:34] Yeah.

[00:27:34] They have a right to exist.

[00:27:36] You don't do that.

[00:27:37] You just like, you're like, come on.

[00:27:39] Because I'm not really saying yes or no.

[00:27:42] Because I know if I say no, I'm lying.

[00:27:45] Yep.

[00:27:45] And I'll burn in hell.

[00:27:48] Well.

[00:27:49] And if I say yes, they're going to be like, well, you can't come in.

[00:27:53] And then I can't pick up my son.

[00:27:55] And I have no, he has no summer break with me.

[00:27:57] He's stuck in this compound in with all these people listening to the

[00:28:07] that kind of music, which has a terrible effect on your brain.

[00:28:11] No, I, I've seen that to be true.

[00:28:14] OK, so you, all right, so you did that.

[00:28:16] You got you, so you made it past the front door, the front gate, I guess.

[00:28:19] Yep.

[00:28:20] Yeah.

[00:28:21] So you're through the first checkpoint.

[00:28:22] And then what happens once you're on the inside?

[00:28:25] Well, they want to, they, then it's a gentleman approached me and he said,

[00:28:30] there's only two genders, right?

[00:28:32] And I had been trained.

[00:28:35] Yeah.

[00:28:35] And I knew that, you know, these protests, it's not really just about one thing.

[00:28:39] It's about all the things.

[00:28:41] So seeing that the answer to that is like, no, there's a ton of genders

[00:28:45] and we need to stop oil.

[00:28:48] Oh.

[00:28:48] And man, that guy lit up the smile on his face and he handed me a keffiyeh,

[00:28:54] which was perfect because that helped me blend in even more.

[00:28:57] So I wrapped that around my neck and I did him a high five.

[00:29:01] OK.

[00:29:01] And I said, keep, keep it up, brother.

[00:29:03] And he's like, OK, brother.

[00:29:05] I was like, I was like, yeah, this was a big brotherhood of us, right?

[00:29:07] And he's like, yes, it is.

[00:29:08] I'm like, OK.

[00:29:09] And then I kept walking and I could feel I was getting closer to my son.

[00:29:13] And then I saw a piece of matzah on the ground.

[00:29:18] I ran over and I just started jumping on it.

[00:29:20] You guys, you guys see this?

[00:29:22] You guys see this?

[00:29:22] And I had been trained.

[00:29:24] Right.

[00:29:25] That this is a test.

[00:29:26] So they will leave matzah around on the grass in the quad.

[00:29:31] And if you walk by it without stomping it, they immediately assume you're a Zionist.

[00:29:37] Oh, my God.

[00:29:38] Which is the new word for Jew, just the way Sharpie

[00:29:41] meant exacto knife back in the day.

[00:29:45] Right.

[00:29:46] Jew.

[00:29:47] Yeah.

[00:29:47] So they're like, OK, so you're definitely not a Zionist.

[00:29:50] Like, no, come on.

[00:29:53] Except I don't say no.

[00:29:54] I just go, come on.

[00:29:58] You know, kind of make them feel like fools for even questioning me.

[00:30:01] Right.

[00:30:01] Of course.

[00:30:02] And then I see my son in the distance.

[00:30:06] I'm getting closer and they're kind of comfortable with me.

[00:30:09] And I just saw my son.

[00:30:09] I'm like, Shalom.

[00:30:12] And then I immediately realized they made a huge mistake.

[00:30:18] That's yeah, that's because that's not something you would ever normally shout at your son to

[00:30:23] begin with.

[00:30:24] Yeah, because he doesn't speak Hebrew.

[00:30:26] And here I am shouting Shalom across the quad to him.

[00:30:29] I don't know what I'm thinking.

[00:30:31] I see his expression.

[00:30:32] He's just he looks at me like his summer is ruined.

[00:30:34] He's not leaving this place.

[00:30:36] Right.

[00:30:36] They're going to keep him prisoner.

[00:30:38] He's been kidnapped just like the people they love, the Hamas people.

[00:30:42] You know, it's kind of he's been seized.

[00:30:44] Right.

[00:30:45] And the heroes of this story, the Hamas heroes and the liberators.

[00:30:50] And so, you know, I see him and I'm like, oh my goodness.

[00:30:54] And then they're all these people just stop what they're doing.

[00:30:56] I mean, they were one of them was drinking mushroom juice and she just stops and she

[00:31:00] looks at me with such hatred.

[00:31:03] And I was like, I'm just kidding.

[00:31:07] Mm hmm.

[00:31:07] Oh, I was like, only dumb dumbs say Shalom.

[00:31:11] Awesome.

[00:31:11] Yeah.

[00:31:12] And then she gave me the what do you call the thing with the arm, the outstretched arm?

[00:31:18] Oh, the Heil, sick.

[00:31:19] Heil.

[00:31:19] Yeah.

[00:31:20] Sick.

[00:31:20] Heil thing.

[00:31:20] And I was like sick held her back and then my son could see my son was somewhat relieved.

[00:31:25] Right.

[00:31:26] And so I went over and got him.

[00:31:30] I wrapped him in a swastika jumper and then we just walked right out.

[00:31:35] The jumper for your 20 year old dashing tall son.

[00:31:42] Yeah, but he's still a little baby to me.

[00:31:45] I get that.

[00:31:45] I totally get that.

[00:31:47] It's embarrassing when your dad brings a swastika jumper to college.

[00:31:50] Now, I guess it works in this case.

[00:31:51] Yeah.

[00:31:52] Yeah.

[00:31:52] Yeah.

[00:31:52] Yeah.

[00:31:53] Right.

[00:31:55] Back in my day.

[00:31:56] Yeah.

[00:31:57] Back in my day, hating Jews was not cool.

[00:31:59] I'll be expelled.

[00:32:01] Yes.

[00:32:02] Yes.

[00:32:02] As my father learned.

[00:32:04] Yeah.

[00:32:05] I mean, I can't dare someone to put on a swastika armband and

[00:32:09] seek out themselves all around campus without expecting consequences.

[00:32:13] Absolutely.

[00:32:14] Back then and up until seven months and 20 days ago, a lot of the stuff was called cultural

[00:32:20] appropriation.

[00:32:21] But now we wear these Caliphs as fashion.

[00:32:24] Yes.

[00:32:25] Yeah.

[00:32:26] The Kafir is that.

[00:32:27] Yeah.

[00:32:27] Kafirs or whatever they're called.

[00:32:28] Yeah.

[00:32:29] Very in.

[00:32:30] In Poland, they call them Arafatkas.

[00:32:33] Named after Arafat.

[00:32:34] Arafatka.

[00:32:36] Cool.

[00:32:36] I was you know, I was wondering what section we could cut out of this podcast.

[00:32:41] And thank you for bringing that to my attention.

[00:32:43] My pleasure.

[00:32:45] I'm always looking for facts without jokes just to sort of target in.

[00:32:49] So thank you for providing that again, Brian.

[00:32:51] I'm happy to do that.

[00:32:53] Do you have any other facts?

[00:32:56] No, no more facts, Jack.

[00:32:58] All right, good.

[00:32:58] Well, then we can keep all this in.

[00:33:04] Hey, Brian.

[00:33:04] Yes, Jack.

[00:33:05] You know, we got to talk about the big thing on everyone's mind.

[00:33:11] Silent Partners.

[00:33:12] Oh, that's right.

[00:33:14] Silent dot partners.

[00:33:16] That would be the website where you would go if you were a business leader and you needed

[00:33:20] sort of some help with your business, selling your business or getting it.

[00:33:24] If basically you own a business, you need to know about silent partners.

[00:33:27] What do you say?

[00:33:27] Yeah, I would if I owned a business.

[00:33:29] Well, I do.

[00:33:30] But if I owned a different business that I was trying to sell,

[00:33:33] I would go to silent dot partners.

[00:33:36] The website, Silent Partners.

[00:33:37] Yeah, it's a website.

[00:33:38] It's not dot com.

[00:33:40] Stay away from those people.

[00:33:41] Silent dot partners is the website.

[00:33:45] Now, I figured that, you know, a good way just to sort of make sure they get their money's

[00:33:50] worth this episode is just very quickly.

[00:33:52] You had told me about you saw a business that, you know, had had a very successful run.

[00:33:58] I don't even remember which business it was, but I had a really successful run.

[00:34:02] And then upon selling the business, didn't use silent partners and things went bad in a hurry.

[00:34:08] Can you just as a cautionary tale, could you sort of tell our listeners what happened?

[00:34:12] Yeah.

[00:34:13] So it was my friend Conway and Conway had a business and he built up from scratch.

[00:34:24] And it was it was basically, you know, everybody knows what lemons are.

[00:34:30] Mm hmm.

[00:34:31] And so he would buy lemons by the ton.

[00:34:34] Mm hmm.

[00:34:35] And he would have he had four silverback monkeys and with mallets, and he called them the mallet

[00:34:46] monkeys.

[00:34:48] And the lemons would roll down a conveyor belt and the mallet monkeys would smash them.

[00:34:56] And.

[00:34:56] It's gotta be a better way to do this, but go on.

[00:34:58] And he would, they would smash the lemons and he would make videos.

[00:35:04] And then he posted, you've probably seen the monkey mallet videos.

[00:35:07] They were huge.

[00:35:08] Yeah.

[00:35:08] Yeah.

[00:35:08] There was, that was a big thing for a while.

[00:35:10] And so, you know, the, the monkey mallet videos generating ad revenue on YouTube

[00:35:16] and and also TikTok was pushing the algorithm into countries that don't like lemons.

[00:35:23] And, and also he would also have the byproduct, which is lemon juice.

[00:35:28] So you've probably been in a Whole Foods and seen like monkey mallet juice.

[00:35:33] Yeah, I've gone past it.

[00:35:34] And I just thought that whatever that is, that's not for me.

[00:35:36] Monkey mallet lemon juice is lemon juice that's squeezed from lemons

[00:35:40] that have been whacked with mallets.

[00:35:42] By silverback monkeys?

[00:35:44] By silverback monkeys, not gorillas, silverback monkeys.

[00:35:48] They're different.

[00:35:48] Okay.

[00:35:49] Gorillas are much more dangerous.

[00:35:51] And he tried silverback gorillas, but they pulled the face off of one of the people

[00:35:55] that was trying to set up the lemons.

[00:35:57] So they don't, they went to a smaller monkey.

[00:36:01] So, so, so what, what happened and when, what was that product?

[00:36:07] I, I imagine he had to make a little tweak.

[00:36:09] When the face was pulled off, that was a screaming Ian.

[00:36:14] It was a screaming Ian brand blood and lemon juice mix.

[00:36:18] It was a limited edition.

[00:36:20] It was about 16 pints.

[00:36:22] And, and it did not sell.

[00:36:27] It was one of the reasons that we got pulled out of Whole Foods for several months.

[00:36:32] We always wanted to work there.

[00:36:33] Recalibrated there.

[00:36:35] You could, I mean, he just needed a nose ring and different hair.

[00:36:41] And so, yeah, that's what basically, you know, the monkey mallet, we got back,

[00:36:45] he got back on track.

[00:36:47] So very profitable enterprise, but he got tired of it.

[00:36:50] Right.

[00:36:50] And you get old, you want to sort of cash in and maybe live a little.

[00:36:54] Yeah.

[00:36:54] So he wanted to sell his business.

[00:36:56] Okay.

[00:36:57] And, and he didn't use silent partners to.

[00:37:00] I remember I, he was telling me, we went to dinner.

[00:37:03] Yep.

[00:37:03] And we were having dinner and he said, I'm going to sell my business.

[00:37:07] And they said, well, you should go to silent dot partners.

[00:37:10] And he's like, what's, what is, what is that?

[00:37:12] And I'm like, it's a website.

[00:37:14] And what do they do?

[00:37:15] I'm like, well, they'll, they'll work with you and help you, you know,

[00:37:18] get you'll sell your business, but also get what you want out of selling it too.

[00:37:22] That's right.

[00:37:23] He's like, cause I want to keep monkey mallets.

[00:37:25] I want to make sure those, those monkeys, those seven monkeys are the same, you know,

[00:37:30] these monkeys, I want them to be part of this company forever.

[00:37:33] They can't change.

[00:37:34] I was like, well, that's something silent partners would help you set up.

[00:37:37] Talk to them.

[00:37:38] He's like, okay.

[00:37:39] And he never did.

[00:37:41] Oh gosh.

[00:37:42] And so he sold the company to, you know, the guy who runs over limes with a monster truck.

[00:37:50] Um, yeah, I, I, yeah, but I don't remember his name of course.

[00:37:56] I mean, everyone knows him.

[00:37:58] His name, Kareem.

[00:38:00] Yeah.

[00:38:00] Simmons.

[00:38:02] Kareem Simmons.

[00:38:02] That's right.

[00:38:02] That's what it is.

[00:38:03] Kareem Simmons.

[00:38:04] And so he has a monster truck.

[00:38:05] He runs over limes and creates what he called it truck juice.

[00:38:09] Truck juice.

[00:38:10] Truck juice.

[00:38:11] That's what it is.

[00:38:11] Lime juice.

[00:38:12] Yeah.

[00:38:13] Very profitable company.

[00:38:14] He was buying, he bought the monkey mallet juice.

[00:38:19] And because he didn't go through silent partners, my friend Conway,

[00:38:26] what's his name?

[00:38:26] Kareem just took the company.

[00:38:29] He took the, he took the lemons.

[00:38:31] He left the monkeys.

[00:38:33] They squeeze the, they squeeze the lemons under the truck with the limes,

[00:38:39] creating some kind of weird concoction of lemon and lime.

[00:38:42] Right.

[00:38:42] And, uh, and, and the monkeys drive the trucks, the monster trucks.

[00:38:48] So they're not even in the mallet business anymore.

[00:38:51] That's, that's, that's so sad.

[00:38:54] It is sad.

[00:38:55] And, and, and Conway was, was beside himself.

[00:38:57] He regretted selling the company.

[00:39:00] He doesn't laugh when he sees the videos of these silverback monkeys

[00:39:04] driving monster trucks over fruit.

[00:39:06] Doesn't bring joy to his heart.

[00:39:08] He won't drink the beverage.

[00:39:11] Right.

[00:39:11] Lime, which is a terrible name for a beverage.

[00:39:16] Lime juice.

[00:39:18] And you know, it's a sad story and Conway, I hate to say it, but he's a raging alcoholic.

[00:39:24] He's already got cirrhosis.

[00:39:27] Already.

[00:39:27] And this was just, this just was three weeks ago.

[00:39:29] Yeah.

[00:39:29] He's got, he just, he's been drinking constantly.

[00:39:32] His, his liver is like stone.

[00:39:34] Stoned?

[00:39:35] Stoned.

[00:39:36] Which means drunk back in the day.

[00:39:39] Okay.

[00:39:39] And so just lastly, because I know that the, I know that the monkeys were very emotionally

[00:39:47] attached to their lemons and I, and I know, because I saw on the paper, I know you haven't

[00:39:53] talked to me about it.

[00:39:54] That's why I want to ask.

[00:39:56] Apparently there was a tragedy involving the monster truck and the, you know, when you

[00:40:00] let a monkey drive a monster truck, who's very sad about his situation.

[00:40:04] Yeah.

[00:40:05] You know, sometimes bad things can happen.

[00:40:06] Could you just sort of walk us through what happened to this tragedy with the seven monkeys

[00:40:09] and then we can move on?

[00:40:11] Yeah.

[00:40:11] Well, one of the monkeys, Herbert, basically drove into the crowd in the monster truck,

[00:40:19] pulverized it, several folks.

[00:40:23] Of course, this created a new product.

[00:40:29] It was monster truck fan juice mingled with lemon and lime.

[00:40:34] And that too was not a big seller.

[00:40:37] Got them pulled out of Whole Foods and Dollar General.

[00:40:40] Oh man, things gotta be going bad to get pulled out of the DJ.

[00:40:46] Yeah.

[00:40:46] DG.

[00:40:47] Yeah.

[00:40:47] DG is like, no, get out of here.

[00:40:51] You could work there.

[00:40:55] I bet I could.

[00:40:56] So this monkey slaughters all these people.

[00:41:00] It basically, we'd call that a genocide now because we just say that about anything.

[00:41:04] Yeah.

[00:41:04] Fascism.

[00:41:05] Yeah, it's fascism and genocide.

[00:41:08] Okay.

[00:41:08] So that was the one monkey.

[00:41:09] But then what happened to the other six?

[00:41:11] It's Herbert's friends.

[00:41:13] Well, they resigned.

[00:41:19] So what do they do now?

[00:41:23] Well, I mean, one of them is running for Congress to replace George Santos.

[00:41:32] Have a chance.

[00:41:33] I would think so.

[00:41:37] Man.

[00:41:38] Yeah.

[00:41:39] And that's what happens if you don't use silentpartners.com.

[00:41:42] Silent.partners, Jack.

[00:41:44] Silent.partners.

[00:41:46] Silent.partners.

[00:41:48] I gotta get that right.

[00:41:49] Our sponsor.

[00:41:52] Brian, you know, what?

[00:41:54] Brian said, yeah, that was hello.

[00:41:57] Is it?

[00:41:57] No.

[00:41:59] I don't know.

[00:42:00] Has the trauma of the past month eaten a hole in your brain?

[00:42:04] Sort of like a worm in Robert F. Kennedy's juniors brain?

[00:42:08] It's probably similar, but I have a better voice.

[00:42:12] You do.

[00:42:14] You do.

[00:42:16] I think I could be completely vision aligned with that person.

[00:42:20] One hundred percent.

[00:42:22] If he and I believed in every single issue the exact same way,

[00:42:25] I could not vote for him and have to listen to that.

[00:42:30] It's a tough voice.

[00:42:31] I don't know why it sounds like that.

[00:42:32] It's probably some horrible medical reason.

[00:42:36] Kennedy curse.

[00:42:37] The Kennedy curse.

[00:42:38] Well, which is a perfect segue into this.

[00:42:42] I think what I think happened, it's the ghost of all the ladies

[00:42:45] that the Kennedys have killed over the years

[00:42:47] have gathered in his larynx and are just sort of,

[00:42:51] it's witchcraft and stuff like that.

[00:42:53] Mary Jo Kopechny is like a little poltergeist in his throat.

[00:42:57] That's right.

[00:42:59] That's a nice pull, by the way.

[00:43:01] Well done on the name.

[00:43:04] Well, you know, it's funny to talk about family tragedies, Brian,

[00:43:07] because I wanted to talk about you reference you

[00:43:09] and I referenced it a little bit earlier.

[00:43:11] But President Biden's happened to say recently

[00:43:14] while you were off vacationing in Poland that

[00:43:19] I guess he's claiming that his uncle,

[00:43:22] who flew in World War Two and was shot down

[00:43:26] and his body was never recovered.

[00:43:28] I guess the president decided to say that his uncle

[00:43:32] was eaten by cannibals in New Guinea.

[00:43:34] Yes.

[00:43:36] Which is kind of one of these unsubstantiated claims.

[00:43:42] There are many unsubstantiated claims

[00:43:44] in the Biden cinematic universe.

[00:43:50] Well, it's so funny and it's such a family of tragedy.

[00:43:52] So and I know you're the family biographer.

[00:43:57] Is that right?

[00:43:58] Yeah.

[00:43:58] I took that on years ago just to keep, you know,

[00:44:01] it was an interesting potential job and I was like,

[00:44:04] OK, yeah, sign me up.

[00:44:05] I'll do it.

[00:44:06] Yeah.

[00:44:08] And you were especially working with Beau Biden.

[00:44:10] I worked with Beau Biden a lot.

[00:44:12] I got him into my a bunch of different holistic medicines.

[00:44:19] Just like, you know, I had a whole array of things

[00:44:21] you have to smell if you want to go to sleep

[00:44:23] or smell if you want to relax or smell

[00:44:27] if you want to get energized, stuff like that.

[00:44:32] I mean, they were recalled and I meant to tell Beau,

[00:44:38] but he just kept sniffing that stuff.

[00:44:40] Huh.

[00:44:41] And do I remember correctly,

[00:44:43] you had two sort of big customers.

[00:44:44] It was Beau Biden and Whitney Houston?

[00:44:47] Yeah, Beau Biden, Whitney Houston,

[00:44:48] Whitney Houston's daughter and Heath Ledger.

[00:44:57] How's that business going for you?

[00:44:59] I have no more customers.

[00:45:02] It's I don't know.

[00:45:04] I don't know what happened.

[00:45:05] They just dropped off.

[00:45:07] I don't know.

[00:45:08] I mean, you know, maybe it's your demeanor, I guess.

[00:45:11] And that's the only reason why someone wouldn't come

[00:45:14] back to a product like that.

[00:45:15] Maybe I just scare them away.

[00:45:17] I don't know.

[00:45:17] It's it's it's it's a question.

[00:45:20] Well, it's something to look into a different day.

[00:45:22] But as Joe Biden's and his family's biographer,

[00:45:25] you certainly know it's a family rife with tragedy.

[00:45:30] You know, I think he sort of needs that to continue to,

[00:45:33] you know, run for public office,

[00:45:36] you know, and a lot of other family members have died

[00:45:39] in sort of similar, really interesting ways.

[00:45:41] Would you mind just telling us really quickly

[00:45:43] about some of the the other Biden tragedies that

[00:45:46] the president hasn't yet shared with us?

[00:45:48] Yeah.

[00:45:49] Now, apparently he had, I guess, that uncle

[00:45:53] had a wife.

[00:45:54] Yeah.

[00:45:55] What's her name?

[00:45:56] Jeanette.

[00:45:56] Jeanette.

[00:45:58] Jeanette.

[00:45:58] OK.

[00:46:00] And so he is so Jeanette, I guess, lived another 10 years.

[00:46:05] But then she took a trip to the Himalayas and died

[00:46:09] in a mysterious way.

[00:46:10] What happened?

[00:46:12] Well, she was sherpa.

[00:46:16] What?

[00:46:16] I don't know what being Sherpa means.

[00:46:18] Well, so you get two Sherpas.

[00:46:22] And they what they do is they they take you

[00:46:25] and you sit on their shoulders

[00:46:27] and then they walk you up the mountain.

[00:46:30] It's an easier way to to get you up the mountain.

[00:46:34] Yeah, that's better.

[00:46:36] But one of the Sherpas broke down

[00:46:40] and stumbled and dropped her off the side of the Himalayas.

[00:46:46] And that happens often enough that it has a saying.

[00:46:49] You've been Sherpa'd.

[00:46:51] She got Sherpa'd.

[00:46:53] And that was the last thing that she heard as she was falling down.

[00:46:56] It's just like, you've been Sherpa'd.

[00:46:58] Yeah, well, I mean, they what they did was they

[00:47:01] they picked up a large rock and said, use this for leverage.

[00:47:06] And they rolled it down at her.

[00:47:08] She was fine until the rock hit her.

[00:47:13] Oh, man.

[00:47:16] But.

[00:47:18] She was an adulteress.

[00:47:20] So it's OK.

[00:47:21] I'm Sharia law.

[00:47:25] That's a relief then.

[00:47:26] Yeah, no, I was relieved when I heard that story.

[00:47:29] Yeah, that's she had it coming to her.

[00:47:32] And then I think he had this was his best friend that he went to college.

[00:47:35] So not technically family, but his his best friend, I think, is

[00:47:40] Daniel Davis, I think, is his name.

[00:47:42] He they went on some sort of

[00:47:45] all inclusive getaway somewhere and and some tragedy befell him.

[00:47:49] Can you just sort of close this down with that story?

[00:47:51] Yeah, it was it was a it was a cruise.

[00:47:55] And it was a right all inclusive cruise.

[00:47:57] And it was one of these things where you can get as much food as you want,

[00:48:01] drink as much as you want.

[00:48:03] And he ate he had eaten a delicacy.

[00:48:10] Salmon roe.

[00:48:11] Salmon roe.

[00:48:13] OK, salmon eggs.

[00:48:15] And he was just eating and eating and eating.

[00:48:16] And just like he was filled up with salmon.

[00:48:18] And then he went scuba diving.

[00:48:21] And it's hard to believe, but the mother salmon

[00:48:26] recognized the scent trail and took that guy down.

[00:48:33] If you've ever seen somebody attacked and killed by a salmon,

[00:48:36] it's a very shocking thing.

[00:48:38] You don't expect that.

[00:48:40] No, you don't.

[00:48:41] You don't expect that.

[00:48:42] But she and like the salmon language was like, you killed my kids.

[00:48:45] And then just kind of bit him in the toe

[00:48:48] and then just used all her might to drag him down.

[00:48:51] Oh, God, you know how they they die going upriver all the time.

[00:48:55] Like they just walk away upriver.

[00:48:56] They have their eggs.

[00:48:57] And well, this was her way of she used all that energy

[00:49:01] she would have used to go upriver to drag him down to the bottom.

[00:49:05] And then she expired, but not before laughing in his face as salmon do.

[00:49:13] Terrible way to go.

[00:49:15] It was, I mean, still has a terrified look on his face.

[00:49:18] I still remember.

[00:49:21] How do you remember it?

[00:49:22] I was down there with a frying pan because he had insulted me in my childhood.

[00:49:32] This friend, Daniel Davis?

[00:49:33] Yeah.

[00:49:34] Hurt my feelings and I saw him on the cruise and I thought this is my moment.

[00:49:40] Like there's no way you could get enough momentum

[00:49:42] swinging the frying pan underwater to even bruise him.

[00:49:46] No, I was going to tie it to him.

[00:49:50] It's a cast iron lodge pan.

[00:49:53] Okay.

[00:49:57] You're not well, you know that, right?

[00:49:59] Well, I'll be the judge of that, sister.

[00:50:06] Well, Brian, I think that's all the time we have for

[00:50:09] this episode of Questionable Material.

[00:50:11] That's right, Jack.

[00:50:14] Well, Brian, this was a super weird one,

[00:50:16] and I want to thank you for your contributing to that.

[00:50:18] Thank you for your service, Jack.

[00:50:21] I didn't, that's not service, I just did the podcast.

[00:50:23] Review us and all that.

[00:50:25] And all that.

[00:50:27] What would you like people to, so,

[00:50:29] would you say that the sort of the best way to heal the gaping hole in your heart

[00:50:34] would be for, to see a few new reviews up on Apple Podcast?

[00:50:38] That'd be fine.

[00:50:40] But like tying it to the tragedy that has befallen you

[00:50:45] and your friends and the Bidens as well.

[00:50:47] Don't want to milk the tragedy, Jack.

[00:50:49] No, I'm not saying milk the tragedy,

[00:50:51] I'm just saying it would really help heal the hole

[00:50:55] in your heart if you saw a bunch of new reviews.

[00:50:57] It probably would, Jack.

[00:50:59] It probably would.

[00:51:01] But I would never stoop low and like play that card,

[00:51:04] but it would definitely, that would fix a lot of things.

[00:51:06] It would probably make me extremely happy, Jack, you're right.

[00:51:09] Yeah.

[00:51:10] So you would probably put you in a better headspace

[00:51:12] than you were even before all this happened.

[00:51:15] Yep.

[00:51:16] I'd like to think I'd be born anew.

[00:51:19] So people could take all their sweet little emails and that's fine,

[00:51:24] supporting you and saying like, hey, Brian, sorry,

[00:51:26] but this might be a way that could actually do some good.

[00:51:30] Yes.

[00:51:31] To just to slap a nice five-star review and write some kind words.

[00:51:35] Yeah, thanks.

[00:51:36] I'll do that.

[00:51:40] You're going to be okay between this episode and the next one?

[00:51:44] Yeah, heat training, Jack.

[00:51:46] Heat training.

[00:51:48] You can do this, Brian.

[00:51:49] Good luck.

[00:51:50] Thank you.

[00:51:52] No alcohol.

[00:51:54] Wait, what?