Jack auditions for The Spy. Brian's Hostile Environment Awareness Training. Chicken Auschwitz. Evading kidnap. Jack Auditions for Romeo & Juliet 2025. Hostile checkpoints. The Talk. Jack auditions for An American in London. Sponsored by silent.partners
[00:00:00] Jack.
[00:00:01] Brian.
[00:00:02] My friend Brad is a director.
[00:00:05] Yes, I know this.
[00:00:07] He's a real life director. He makes he directs things, Jack.
[00:00:10] And he turns things down. You know, he turned down Jack.
[00:00:12] I do know. But you go ahead and say it.
[00:00:15] He was he was offered the directing gig for this new TV
[00:00:18] show. But it was going to take him all over the place and be gone
[00:00:21] for like months for like three months.
[00:00:23] And his wife was like, I don't want you to be gone for three
[00:00:25] months. So he turned it down, Jack.
[00:00:27] And that show was Girls Game of Game of Thrones, Jack.
[00:00:32] Oh, golly.
[00:00:34] Yeah. He would have turned down girls anyway, just because of
[00:00:36] Lena Dunham. But Game of Thrones, he said, no, I guess not.
[00:00:39] And then it became this big old thing.
[00:00:41] And now he's like, oh, but he's still he's a director, Jack.
[00:00:44] That's what happens.
[00:00:46] I'm going to point out this part of the show is true.
[00:00:49] Brian really has this friend and he really turned down Game of
[00:00:52] Thrones. Oh, poor Brad.
[00:00:53] He didn't know what it was going to be.
[00:00:54] He didn't know how big it was going to be.
[00:00:56] But anyway, he's he's he's got a film he's working on.
[00:01:00] And he had said that you seemed like you'd be perfect for this
[00:01:04] role. He you know, he thinks you're one of the most least
[00:01:06] discovered actors of all time.
[00:01:09] And so yeah, definitely.
[00:01:11] You're always in the back of his mind.
[00:01:12] And so he said to Brian, I'd like you to have Jack read this
[00:01:15] script for me.
[00:01:17] Oh, my God.
[00:01:18] Yeah, I know it's a script.
[00:01:19] It's a and it's a World War Two, World War Two.
[00:01:21] There's some great you remember where Eagles Dare and Force 10
[00:01:24] from Navarone and all those great war movies.
[00:01:26] Of course I do.
[00:01:27] The classic. So this is kind of in that style.
[00:01:31] So it's just Germans and Americans going at it in the
[00:01:34] 40s.
[00:01:36] That's great. And yeah, I love
[00:01:39] I love that if you show those movies today, I'm not sure which
[00:01:42] which sides would be the good guys, which had to be the bad
[00:01:45] guys. Right. The college kids would be like rooting for the
[00:01:47] what do you call those people?
[00:01:49] The krauts or Nazis.
[00:01:51] That's right. The Nazis.
[00:01:53] Go SS. Yeah, yeah.
[00:01:56] Fight. You can do this.
[00:01:58] All right. So those panzers, they really consume a lot of oil,
[00:02:02] though.
[00:02:03] Yeah, exactly.
[00:02:04] That's the problem with the Nazis.
[00:02:06] Let's see, Jack. I just sent you the script for the movie.
[00:02:08] It's called The Spy.
[00:02:10] I just received it.
[00:02:11] I have opened the script and I've never read this before.
[00:02:14] Mexillent, as we say in Tijuana, Jack.
[00:02:16] So Brad would just like you to read this script.
[00:02:18] I'm going to read along with you.
[00:02:20] So I'll be the other guy reading the script.
[00:02:22] And, you know, Brad is big on just kind of, you know, you being as
[00:02:25] professional as possible. You'd be playing the role of Colonel
[00:02:28] Johnson.
[00:02:29] OK, great.
[00:02:30] And Colonel Johnson is it's a main character in this film.
[00:02:33] And and I'll be playing the role of Steve.
[00:02:36] OK, great. I got it.
[00:02:38] OK, just, you know, you know how Brad is.
[00:02:40] He wants you to be serious.
[00:02:41] Take it seriously. He doesn't tolerate any kind of, you know,
[00:02:45] active laughter or shenanigans like that.
[00:02:47] You know, absolutely.
[00:02:49] Yeah. No shenanigans.
[00:02:50] OK, so so it's set in like this little office
[00:02:54] and and it's kind of dark.
[00:02:56] You know, it's got that 1940s feel to it.
[00:02:58] And you come into the room.
[00:03:00] Don't forget, I'm so excited. I'm going to be in a movie.
[00:03:02] OK, here we go.
[00:03:02] Yep.
[00:03:04] Stephen, did you hear the news?
[00:03:06] Nine, I have not heard the news.
[00:03:09] HQ thinks there may be a Nazi spy in our midst.
[00:03:13] That is hard to believe.
[00:03:15] Yeah. So we need to be very careful about what we say
[00:03:18] until we find out who it is.
[00:03:20] Yeah, of course.
[00:03:22] We must be vigilant.
[00:03:24] Yes. Vigilant.
[00:03:26] Keep your eyes peeled.
[00:03:28] We should keep our eyes open so that they are bigger than a Jewish nose.
[00:03:33] I mean, well, yeah, but I may have said it differently than that.
[00:03:38] And if we find the spy, what will be the final solution for them?
[00:03:44] Well, a military tribunal.
[00:03:46] It's wartime so they can be shot for espionage.
[00:03:50] Oh, I'm so torn because I love the idea of shooting people.
[00:03:53] But I wouldn't want to be shot myself if you know what I mean.
[00:03:57] Sure. I mean, nobody wants to get shot, but spies are spies
[00:04:01] and we need to weed them out.
[00:04:03] Of course, of course, there's no place in this organization for Jews.
[00:04:08] You mean spies?
[00:04:10] Of course, that is what I meant. Freudian slip.
[00:04:14] OK, understood.
[00:04:15] He was my neighbor growing up.
[00:04:21] Oh, man, I'll tell you, it takes brass balls
[00:04:24] for someone to embed themselves with the enemy like that.
[00:04:27] Yeah, they must be ubermen filled with so much courage.
[00:04:31] Wouldn't you like to have such a courage as a person like that?
[00:04:35] Oh, you bet your toothbrush.
[00:04:38] Oh, you bet your toothbrush mustache.
[00:04:40] I would. Yeah.
[00:04:42] Well, why don't you go looking for the spy?
[00:04:44] And I will protect this file cabinets that is filled with all these classified
[00:04:48] documents. Good idea.
[00:04:50] I'll do that.
[00:04:52] And if I see the spy, I will do my best to make him what he is doing.
[00:04:57] Excellent. I'm out.
[00:04:58] See you later.
[00:04:59] Heil me.
[00:05:03] Damn.
[00:05:04] Oh, come on.
[00:05:06] Brad's going to be so upset.
[00:05:08] So I don't I don't get the role.
[00:05:10] You know, he is. He's very strict.
[00:05:11] Ever since he turned down Game of Thrones,
[00:05:13] he's been very strict about people laughing during their auditions.
[00:05:15] He's very serious now.
[00:05:18] No, I guess so. Shoot.
[00:05:21] You know his expression.
[00:05:22] There's no joy in life.
[00:05:26] Yeah, that is that's his expression now.
[00:05:28] Yeah. Yeah.
[00:05:29] Over the last 11 years.
[00:05:30] How's it going? There's no joy in life.
[00:05:34] I just started.
[00:05:35] I just wanted to know if you wanted paper and plastic.
[00:05:39] Well, man, there's always another chance.
[00:05:41] You know, I hope I hope later in the show I do get another chance.
[00:05:44] And I will say what kills me is that now I'm not going to get the whole script
[00:05:48] because I would love to know who the spy was.
[00:05:51] Yeah, I mean, it's good.
[00:05:52] That's you'll have to wait till the movie comes out.
[00:05:55] Shoot.
[00:05:59] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian,
[00:06:03] a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth
[00:06:08] and Brian Sack, QM Podcast dot com.
[00:06:16] Hi, Brian. Hello, Jack.
[00:06:18] How was what was the name of that training you just underwent in West Virginia?
[00:06:24] Jack, it was called Hostile Environment Awareness Training.
[00:06:30] Heat training. Heat training.
[00:06:32] That is amazing.
[00:06:33] And so how did the training go?
[00:06:37] It was a week of very intense things, Jack.
[00:06:40] OK, learned we learned how to apply tourniquets and do trauma first aid
[00:06:45] and triage and how to detect explosive devices like IEDs
[00:06:49] and anti personnel mines and anti tank mines.
[00:06:53] We learned how to navigate hostile checkpoints when entering countries.
[00:06:57] We learn how to navigate customs.
[00:07:00] We were kidnapped and kept awake and then interrogated.
[00:07:03] What? Yeah.
[00:07:04] And there was a lot going on.
[00:07:06] Holy crap.
[00:07:07] Yeah, we had a mass casualty incident where they had a van
[00:07:12] and it ran over 30 something people.
[00:07:15] And we had to come and do triage while people were screaming
[00:07:18] and yelling and covered in blood and dead terrorists at the wheel of the van.
[00:07:22] Good Lord.
[00:07:24] Judging from the scene, he had smashed his head into the windshield.
[00:07:27] But I also noticed a hand grenade inside the vehicle.
[00:07:29] So I did what you're supposed to do.
[00:07:31] And I said, there's an explosive in the vehicle.
[00:07:33] And then we had to try to clear people away from the vehicle,
[00:07:35] except there was a gentleman pinned under the front.
[00:07:37] And a woman pinned by the tire.
[00:07:40] Complicated.
[00:07:41] And and when you called out that there's an explosive in the vehicle,
[00:07:44] did you say it in that same sort of slow, effeminate way
[00:07:47] where you sort of lightly let people know there might be a slight concern?
[00:07:51] I was like, mmm, there might be an explosive in the vehicle.
[00:07:56] But it was it was a lot of chaos, a lot of screaming.
[00:07:59] They had actors and people kind of performing and a guy running around
[00:08:03] screaming. He was bloodied and wounded and starting fights with people,
[00:08:07] basically because he was so disoriented.
[00:08:09] So you have to learn how to deal with people like that.
[00:08:11] At the same time, somebody is bleeding out and has three minutes
[00:08:14] before they die.
[00:08:15] So you have to put a tourniquet on them as soon as possible
[00:08:18] and get them into triage one.
[00:08:20] It was it was really yeah, it was very intense.
[00:08:22] Wow. Yeah.
[00:08:25] So I know how to do all that stuff is happening in West Virginia right now.
[00:08:29] Right now, still going on.
[00:08:31] It's crazy place.
[00:08:32] Like in Morgantown, that's just it's just what happens
[00:08:36] right down the road from the chicken processing plant.
[00:08:39] Is that true?
[00:08:40] Yeah, I was kind of sad.
[00:08:41] Made me not want to eat chicken, to be honest.
[00:08:44] Well, why?
[00:08:45] Because you kept seeing trucks full of chickens cooped up in a well, coop
[00:08:50] and in the back of an 18 wheeler and like being led to the chicken Auschwitz.
[00:08:54] It was it was not wasn't pretty.
[00:08:57] Holy crap. Yeah.
[00:09:01] Well, I mean, it's ironic that you're all you're doing this for a a
[00:09:04] food, a an organization that feeds people food, though.
[00:09:07] That's true. And we do a lot of chicken.
[00:09:10] I bet you do.
[00:09:11] So, you know, in your heat training, were you able to stage
[00:09:17] a military style rescue as a chicken team six
[00:09:21] and and perhaps save every all the chickens?
[00:09:24] Nope. Oh, we did not have any mode of transport.
[00:09:29] Mm hmm. So it was up to the chickens to fend for themselves.
[00:09:33] But I cast them sad glances as we went by in the van.
[00:09:37] And I made them realize that I felt bad for them.
[00:09:40] So, you know how you do that face to make chickens know that you're sad for them?
[00:09:44] And it's not really.
[00:09:45] It's just something I picked up in high school.
[00:09:48] And so I just looked over and just did that knowing glance.
[00:09:52] What what circumstances do you have to do that in high school?
[00:09:56] Well, my high school was actually adjacent to a pork processing plant.
[00:10:02] Oh, my gosh.
[00:10:03] That's right. You shared a playground.
[00:10:05] I remember they would have the the pigs, you know, would get like a final run
[00:10:09] in the playground before the slaughtering started
[00:10:13] and then would interact with the pigs.
[00:10:15] It's one of the reasons I you know, I'm afraid of bacon.
[00:10:19] It makes me sad.
[00:10:21] You're afraid of bacon.
[00:10:22] Well, it scares me because we would play with the pigs and the pigs,
[00:10:25] especially on the spinny go around thing that they have in the playground.
[00:10:29] And yeah, we'd tie the pigs up to that and they'd spin us around in circles
[00:10:33] as they were running, thinking they were escaping.
[00:10:35] But they were just going in a circle.
[00:10:37] And we had a really good time.
[00:10:38] And then this was the 70s.
[00:10:40] So like where are you talking about?
[00:10:41] Like the fat kids or actual pigs?
[00:10:44] No, no. The fat kids, we would beat with sticks.
[00:10:47] So they weren't allowed.
[00:10:47] This is you know, you were allowed to bully back in my day, Jack.
[00:10:51] I remember that.
[00:10:52] You remember whack the fatty?
[00:10:55] Of course I do.
[00:10:56] I still have the welts on my back.
[00:10:58] That's right.
[00:10:59] I remember that and I feel bad about it now.
[00:11:01] But at the time, I was having a great, great time just teaching you a lesson.
[00:11:04] I know you are. You seem so happy.
[00:11:06] I didn't want to I didn't want to take that away from you.
[00:11:09] Remember Lord of the Flies and how awesome we thought that was
[00:11:11] that they beat that fat kid to death?
[00:11:13] Yeah, it was pretty great.
[00:11:15] You bespectacled fatty and you're just like, yeah, that's a feel good movie.
[00:11:18] And now it's Ozempek.
[00:11:20] I mean, what a world.
[00:11:21] Ozempek is fat phobic, Jack.
[00:11:24] Thanks, Obama.
[00:11:25] It's anti fatness.
[00:11:27] It is. It is. Makes me angry.
[00:11:29] So but go back to this high school situation.
[00:11:31] So you would tie up the pigs on the spinning wheel thing.
[00:11:33] Yeah, yeah.
[00:11:34] And they'd run around in circles and we get on the spinning wheel
[00:11:36] and pretend that we were landing a flying saucer that was out of control.
[00:11:40] Mm hmm.
[00:11:41] And it just it was supposed to be in a straight line,
[00:11:43] but it was just spinning around in circles.
[00:11:44] And we pretended we were astronauts.
[00:11:46] Yeah.
[00:11:46] And we spoke a special language and we would spin and scream and spin and scream.
[00:11:51] And that would just get the pigs more agitated.
[00:11:53] They just spin faster and faster.
[00:11:55] And then what we do is we play the barfing game.
[00:11:59] Oh, that sounds fun. How do you play?
[00:12:00] Well, first you whack the fatty and then you run to Mr. Moriarty
[00:12:05] and see who's going to throw up first in his presence.
[00:12:08] OK, because he had a very delicate stomach.
[00:12:10] He was known for having a delicate stomach
[00:12:12] and he drank a lot of flat ginger ale as a result.
[00:12:15] Now is Mr. Moriarty the principal or the guy who ran the slaughterhouse or both?
[00:12:20] He was the math teacher by day.
[00:12:23] Mm hmm. And then he was also a math teacher at night, but he taught math to pigs.
[00:12:27] He had a his PhD.
[00:12:30] His doctoral dissertation was on the fact that pigs could learn math
[00:12:33] if you stopped killing them.
[00:12:35] Mm hmm. Oh, so that was the thing.
[00:12:38] A lot of his test pigs wound up as bacon.
[00:12:43] So he must also be very afraid of bacon like yourself.
[00:12:46] He's more he's he's bacon phobic. Mm hmm.
[00:12:50] But and he doesn't like pork chops.
[00:12:52] Mm hmm. I was cool with pork chops.
[00:12:54] It's weird that way.
[00:12:56] Yeah, I don't know what that's about.
[00:12:57] There's they're delicious.
[00:12:59] There's an inconsistency in some of your principles,
[00:13:02] but I'm not going to dissect that right now.
[00:13:05] But I'm really interested, though.
[00:13:06] I really want to there's a lot we have unwrapped here in six, seven minutes.
[00:13:13] I would really like to understand then.
[00:13:15] So the pigs would spin around.
[00:13:18] You get a bunch of dizzy, angry, agitated pigs on their last run.
[00:13:21] And then, you know, as students, what would what would you do next with the pigs?
[00:13:27] Well, you release the pigs once they're done.
[00:13:29] They're kind of dead tired.
[00:13:31] Mm hmm. And so we'd release the pigs.
[00:13:33] But then we do a fun game where you go in the swing set.
[00:13:37] Mm hmm. And you try to swing as high as you can go in the swing.
[00:13:40] And then at the very last minute, release yourself and land on the pig.
[00:13:44] God, is that how they would kill the pigs?
[00:13:48] No, no. The pig. I mean, the fat students like Ezekiel.
[00:13:55] Ezekiel? Yeah, his name was Ezekiel.
[00:13:57] And you just get as high as you could on the swing and then let go and go like
[00:14:00] trouble and then just land on Ezekiel if you could.
[00:14:05] Well, how could you miss?
[00:14:06] Well, yeah, that's it. It just depends where you hit him.
[00:14:10] Now, if you're lucky, you get him around the middle bits.
[00:14:13] If you're not so lucky, you kind of wrap around his head.
[00:14:16] Mm hmm. But he had one of those headgear braces things.
[00:14:20] Yeah, yeah. And those can pinch your crotch if you land on his head.
[00:14:23] Don't I know it? You have to be careful.
[00:14:25] Mm hmm. You really do.
[00:14:28] But I guess maybe what I was a little bit more interested in
[00:14:32] was was what you would do with the actual hogs,
[00:14:35] the actual pigs that would be used to slaughter.
[00:14:38] So they've had their last run on your shared play space area.
[00:14:43] And then, you know, then it was off to slaughter.
[00:14:45] What as children would you have to do back in your high school?
[00:14:48] Well, you line up and you clap.
[00:14:52] And so as they were reentering the pig factory and heading on their way
[00:14:55] to oblivion, we'd all line up and clap and just give them a real thumbs up
[00:14:59] and say, you did it. Yeah.
[00:15:01] You did what you just you had fun with us.
[00:15:05] It's like you had a great time, didn't you?
[00:15:08] Mm hmm. And then you just be like, please review us on Google,
[00:15:11] that kind of stuff, because we were big on that back then.
[00:15:14] That's really prescient.
[00:15:16] Yeah. Well, it was all paper.
[00:15:20] There was no way to leave a comment.
[00:15:23] Yeah. Like a literal comment.
[00:15:25] Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
[00:15:27] You remember some of the comments you would get?
[00:15:29] No. Well, I mean, no, because they never had a chance to actually do anything.
[00:15:33] Oh, OK. Because they kind of look back at you and kind of nod
[00:15:36] like they were going to do something.
[00:15:37] And I give them that kind of glance, like knowing
[00:15:40] like I was sad for them, like I give chickens now.
[00:15:42] Yeah. Yeah.
[00:15:44] But yeah, I never got any comments back from them.
[00:15:47] Man, that's it's a tough story to hear, Brian.
[00:15:53] Well, that's how the sausage is made, Jack.
[00:15:57] I thought I told you I don't want to know how the sausage is made.
[00:16:01] I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you in on that little secret.
[00:16:05] It's hard to hear.
[00:16:06] I mean, I'm glad the pigs had that moment.
[00:16:09] Ezekiel or the animals?
[00:16:11] No, no, no. I'm not happy for Ezekiel.
[00:16:13] You know, I'm sure after he shot up a school, I'm sure
[00:16:20] I'm sure he's he's had a tough life after that.
[00:16:23] No, I meant for the actual hogs who are used for food.
[00:16:28] Yeah. Yeah. It's a it's a shame.
[00:16:32] Strange town you grew up in.
[00:16:34] Yeah. You know, it was just a weird old town in Massachusetts.
[00:16:39] Which, of course, was
[00:16:42] conquered Wampanoag land.
[00:16:44] Oh, do you had to do land acknowledgements?
[00:16:47] Yeah. Except back then we were more realistic and we're like,
[00:16:49] we're not giving it back, but we're on stolen Wampanoag land.
[00:16:53] And we won Wampanoag.
[00:16:57] Wampanoag. Mm hmm.
[00:16:59] You see where that comes from?
[00:17:00] I get it now. I totally get it now.
[00:17:02] They were pigless back in the day
[00:17:05] because, you know, all the Indian names are very literal.
[00:17:08] Like two hills next to a river.
[00:17:10] Mm hmm. You know, kind of like Boulder at the base of the mountain.
[00:17:14] What were some of the other Indians in your in your town?
[00:17:17] What were some of their names?
[00:17:18] Because I know you had a lot of do you remember some of them?
[00:17:20] We had a bunch of Native American. Yeah.
[00:17:24] There's your not your best friend, but sort of like your second
[00:17:26] best friend that you would play with sometimes.
[00:17:28] What was his name?
[00:17:30] Jason Wood Eagle.
[00:17:33] Why would Eagle?
[00:17:34] Why would because his dad used to beat him with a wood eagle
[00:17:37] that he had on the shelf.
[00:17:40] That's
[00:17:42] that's really weird for kids to pick up on.
[00:17:45] Yeah. And it's just, you know, he'd come home from school
[00:17:47] and dad would look at his report card and then pick up the wood eagle
[00:17:51] beat him around the room with it.
[00:17:53] And what about there's the guy who ran the grocery store?
[00:17:55] What was his name?
[00:17:57] Yeah, that was Timmy Kroger.
[00:18:02] The very little very.
[00:18:03] Yeah, it's not a very Native American name.
[00:18:06] No, they adapt.
[00:18:07] They take the names from the environment.
[00:18:09] Oh, that's really interesting.
[00:18:11] And then there is the the electrician in town
[00:18:13] who sort of like fixed everybody's.
[00:18:14] What was his name again?
[00:18:15] Running Blackjack.
[00:18:18] Why? Where did that name come from?
[00:18:20] He lives in a casino
[00:18:22] that he was given as like a thank you for the one by our gland.
[00:18:32] A lot to unpack here.
[00:18:33] So there is
[00:18:35] Brian had a nap.
[00:18:38] Ha ha ha ha ha.
[00:18:40] Man, nap Brian with no wine is really fun to talk to.
[00:18:43] Yeah. Brian, hello. Nap has a lot of energy right now.
[00:18:46] I can feel that.
[00:18:48] Let's let's use it all right now.
[00:18:50] So you're in heat training.
[00:18:51] I mean, yeah, my mind is blown again.
[00:18:55] This is a charity for it's a humanitarian aid organization.
[00:19:00] Yeah. And so that is the things you listed
[00:19:04] of to have to train for that, to go feed people.
[00:19:11] Why? Well, say Haiti, for example.
[00:19:15] Haiti, for example.
[00:19:16] Like there you go.
[00:19:17] You do it, Simon says.
[00:19:19] So Haiti, there's a high risk of being kidnapped.
[00:19:23] They just had two missionaries murdered
[00:19:27] yesterday or the day before.
[00:19:30] Whoa. Yeah, it's a very dangerous place.
[00:19:33] So there's the potential for a hostile checkpoint.
[00:19:37] Mm hmm. And we had trained with hostile checkpoints,
[00:19:41] people who want bribes, how to react, how to handle situations like that.
[00:19:47] And then, you know, potential kidnapping scenarios,
[00:19:49] how to know if you might be kidnapped or if you're being set up for a kidnapping.
[00:19:53] So let's I would love to I would love to learn about that.
[00:19:57] I think that's the training that all of our listeners could probably benefit from.
[00:20:01] But the way America is going right now, I mean, gosh, you know,
[00:20:04] it is this could be coming to a playground near you.
[00:20:07] So how do you Brian, what are some ways
[00:20:11] to know that you were being set up for a kidnapping?
[00:20:13] OK, well, usually they mark you and they do research on you ahead of time.
[00:20:18] They don't just stroll up and kidnap you.
[00:20:20] They they like routine.
[00:20:22] OK, the two top places you get kidnapped are near your home or near your office.
[00:20:26] Why? Because that's where you go every day or night.
[00:20:29] You go to work in the morning, you come back from work, you go to your apartment.
[00:20:32] So those are the two places where they they know you're going to be.
[00:20:35] So they follow routine.
[00:20:36] So, for example, if I'm coming home to my apartment.
[00:20:39] Yeah. And I'm walking down the hallway and I see a box
[00:20:44] kind of half tilted up and it's propped up with a stick.
[00:20:48] And under the box is like it's a bag of Chick-fil-A
[00:20:53] and it says for Brian.
[00:20:55] Huh? What am I going to do?
[00:20:57] Well, I'm going to look for is there a string attached to that stick
[00:20:59] holding up that cardboard box?
[00:21:01] No, I'm going to get that Chick-fil-A right away.
[00:21:03] That's the problem.
[00:21:03] No, if you had done heat training, you would have known that you're being set up
[00:21:07] because what would happen is I'd get on my hands and knees
[00:21:10] and crawl under the cardboard box to get the Chick-fil-A bag.
[00:21:15] And then a string would pull that stick and that cardboard box
[00:21:18] comes down on top of me.
[00:21:19] Boom. I'm a hostage.
[00:21:21] Holy crap. Yeah, that's terrifying.
[00:21:23] Yeah, it's scary.
[00:21:24] That's one of the things you need to look out for.
[00:21:26] So you want to vary your routine.
[00:21:28] OK, so what you don't do is come back home the same time,
[00:21:32] the same route every single day.
[00:21:34] So Monday I might go down Seventh Avenue.
[00:21:37] Right. And but then I'm going to suddenly turn or spin around
[00:21:41] and run down 23rd Street.
[00:21:44] And then I'm going to go down Sixth Avenue
[00:21:47] and then I'm going to loop around.
[00:21:50] Tuesday, I'm walking down the street.
[00:21:52] I am buck on my pants, dropping to my ankles.
[00:21:54] I get arrested for indecent disposal.
[00:21:57] OK, I'm hauled off to court because of the D.A.
[00:22:00] We have they they say just come back another time.
[00:22:04] I pull my pants back up, but I've totally thrown them off the trail.
[00:22:08] Wait a minute.
[00:22:09] Your pants have been down the whole time, all the way through your court appearance.
[00:22:12] Yeah, because I was cuffed.
[00:22:19] OK, it seems like maybe they could have helped you with that.
[00:22:22] They're busy. The NYPD only does certain things.
[00:22:25] OK, understood.
[00:22:26] OK, don't do pants picking up and they don't bother with shoplifters.
[00:22:31] OK, so I understand.
[00:22:32] OK, so you put your pants back up.
[00:22:33] OK, go on. Continue.
[00:22:34] So I've thrown off any potential kidnappers.
[00:22:36] So let's say they're hanging out Wednesday.
[00:22:38] They're expecting me to just stroll through the door at six, seven p.m.
[00:22:42] So they're hanging out waiting for me.
[00:22:43] So what do I do?
[00:22:45] I can't possibly know.
[00:22:47] I go to Bunratty's.
[00:22:49] I don't know what that is.
[00:22:50] It's a pub and I sit down and I go to Liam, the bartender.
[00:22:53] I say, Liam, can I have a pint of Guinness, please?
[00:22:57] And he says, sure.
[00:22:58] And I drink that pint of Guinness, I said, and another.
[00:23:01] And he gives me another.
[00:23:01] And I just keep drinking Guinness.
[00:23:04] And then I don't even know what time is.
[00:23:06] It's like it's like two o'clock in the morning.
[00:23:08] I'm totally out of it.
[00:23:10] I can't pronounce my own name.
[00:23:13] OK, so let's then I go back to my apartment.
[00:23:17] And I look down the hallway and I see there's a box.
[00:23:20] Yeah, with a stick.
[00:23:22] And there's a Chick-fil-A.
[00:23:22] But this is the problem, Jack.
[00:23:24] I've been drinking Guinness all night.
[00:23:25] I've got the munchies now.
[00:23:27] Yeah, I really want that Chick-fil-A.
[00:23:31] So what do you do?
[00:23:33] I mean, you get that Chick-fil-A.
[00:23:34] No. Oh, you go downstairs to the doorman.
[00:23:38] Sherlock, he's a nice man from India.
[00:23:41] You say, Sherlock, would you do me a favor?
[00:23:43] Go upstairs to my floor and there's a Chick-fil-A bag there.
[00:23:48] Would you grab that for me?
[00:23:49] And Sherlock always he's always like, yes, sir.
[00:23:51] Yes, sir. I'll do that.
[00:23:52] And he goes upstairs.
[00:23:54] All right. Then I wait about 10 minutes and then I go upstairs.
[00:23:58] Right. Sherlock's gone.
[00:24:00] He's been kidnapped. They think he's me.
[00:24:03] And there's a bag of Chick-fil-A just sitting there.
[00:24:06] It's really good training.
[00:24:08] Grab that. Go into my room and I sit down.
[00:24:11] I eat Chick-fil-A.
[00:24:12] Then I pass out on the sofa.
[00:24:15] Oh, man.
[00:24:16] It's really good.
[00:24:17] You don't think about until you have training, Jack.
[00:24:20] I know. How's Sherlock doing?
[00:24:23] I don't know.
[00:24:27] I mean, that's the problem.
[00:24:29] We're short a doorman.
[00:24:32] Oh, I'm sorry.
[00:24:33] That's right. You can't come home between 8 p.m.
[00:24:36] and 7 a.m. because there's no one there to open the door.
[00:24:40] I mean, like I'm just going to toss some ideas out there.
[00:24:44] You could open the door yourself.
[00:24:46] You're paying extra to live in a doorman building in New York.
[00:24:50] You know, so the idea that you're going to open the door yourself
[00:24:54] is just kind of it's insulting in a way.
[00:24:57] I mean, in a way.
[00:24:58] So and I know there are other people in the building willing to do that,
[00:25:02] but I'm not. I have principles.
[00:25:05] I love that about you.
[00:25:06] They're inconsistent, but you have them.
[00:25:07] Thank you.
[00:25:09] You're very welcome.
[00:25:11] And so that Sherlock, you said, is Indian.
[00:25:12] So do you have to do a land acknowledgement for him?
[00:25:15] No, no. He's the other Indian.
[00:25:17] It's the one that has too many Native Americans in it.
[00:25:33] Let's let's take a break.
[00:25:35] Let's do another script and then let's come back to this. OK.
[00:25:40] We got we got to break it up a little bit, but this is the most fun I've ever had.
[00:25:46] Jacqueline. Yes.
[00:25:49] As I previously mentioned, my friend Brad is a director.
[00:25:53] And you flubbed the first audition. That's fine.
[00:25:55] He usually sends me a couple of scripts.
[00:25:57] As I've said before, he thinks you are the most undiscovered talent
[00:26:01] of this generation.
[00:26:02] That's it. It feels weird.
[00:26:04] It feels like a compliment or a put down.
[00:26:06] He's very, very excited about getting you into a movie.
[00:26:10] And he sent me another script for Romeo and Juliet.
[00:26:12] Twenty twenty five.
[00:26:13] It's a remake of the classic Romeo and Juliet by William
[00:26:18] Bill Shakespeare.
[00:26:20] I love Bill Shatner.
[00:26:22] So I sent you the script. No Shakespeare.
[00:26:25] Oh, yeah.
[00:26:25] And I'm not planning on Will Shatner being around in twenty twenty five.
[00:26:28] Being honest.
[00:26:30] That's fair.
[00:26:30] He and Jimmy Carter can take another space shuttle up to heaven.
[00:26:33] He's pushing it.
[00:26:34] He's you know, I wish him luck.
[00:26:36] I wish he was in the home stretch.
[00:26:39] Yes, he is.
[00:26:39] He's had a long and storied life.
[00:26:41] But this is Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.
[00:26:44] And it's got a twenty twenty five version.
[00:26:46] I sent you the script.
[00:26:47] And Brad is actually interested in having you play the role of Romeo.
[00:26:52] Whoa. Yeah.
[00:26:53] Romeo Montague kissing ladies.
[00:26:56] Lead role. Yeah.
[00:26:57] All right. So you get you.
[00:26:58] I sent you the script.
[00:26:59] You should have it any second through the Internet for free.
[00:27:02] I, I, I pay five hundred dollars a month.
[00:27:06] It's the Internet, Brian.
[00:27:08] Wow. You got a weird Internet.
[00:27:10] OK, did you get it?
[00:27:11] I got it. I have opened it.
[00:27:13] I've never read it before.
[00:27:14] It's called a cold read.
[00:27:15] That's what Brad likes. Cold reads.
[00:27:17] Fine. He doesn't want you to infuse it with your ideas or emotions.
[00:27:19] He just wants you to read.
[00:27:21] So you can start.
[00:27:22] It's act one, scene two.
[00:27:23] Enter Romeo and Juliet in a garden under moonlight.
[00:27:27] Good morrow, Juliet.
[00:27:28] My heart's delight.
[00:27:30] How fair is my love beneath the silvery glow?
[00:27:33] Pray share with me thy thoughts this blessed night.
[00:27:36] For in thine eyes, the truth I long to know.
[00:27:40] Sweet Romeo, thy words do charm mine ear and in thy presence joy
[00:27:44] doth fill my heart.
[00:27:46] Yet oft I see in thee a glance of fear.
[00:27:49] What doth disturb thy soul?
[00:27:51] Questions rise within my troubled mind.
[00:27:54] The hand, though soft, doth feel as though tis drawn from some other mold.
[00:27:59] A nature unrefined.
[00:28:01] My hand, dear Romeo, is thine to hold in tenderness.
[00:28:05] I offer it to thee.
[00:28:06] Why does thou have such curious glances fold?
[00:28:09] What is it in thou so keen to see?
[00:28:13] I prithee, Juliet, not be not so coy.
[00:28:17] Thy frame, though slight, seems built as for a boy.
[00:28:21] Thy voice, though sweet, with deeper tones is bound.
[00:28:26] My heart is thine with passion so entwined.
[00:28:29] Doubt not my love for all my soul lays bare.
[00:28:33] And what's with this lump?
[00:28:35] Of what lump do you speak?
[00:28:38] That right there in thine knickers.
[00:28:43] Thou art perhaps in truth a lad I fear in guise of mauled,
[00:28:47] in guise of made.
[00:28:49] Love sees not with eyes, but with the heart, mine Romeo.
[00:28:53] Yeah, but thine lump.
[00:28:56] It's obvious right there.
[00:28:58] Thine crotch should be smooth like a monk's scalp and no lump should it bear.
[00:29:03] To question thus doth our bond mistrust and tears asunder what should never part.
[00:29:09] Let the truth be known.
[00:29:10] Reveal thine lump.
[00:29:12] I possess a maiden's heart in love with thee alone.
[00:29:17] A maiden packs not a lump in her knickers.
[00:29:19] To bulge or not to bulge.
[00:29:21] That is the question.
[00:29:23] A maiden I will be in the chambers of healing where skill and science do meet.
[00:29:28] There lies a transformative art.
[00:29:30] This most delicate and profound procedure is sought by those whose souls
[00:29:33] encased in mortal flesh yearn for alignment with their truest selves.
[00:29:37] Here, read this.
[00:29:41] Reading.
[00:29:43] A skilled surgeon doth employ his craft upon the human vessel
[00:29:46] with instruments fine and knowledge profound.
[00:29:49] They transform what was once into what was ought to be.
[00:29:54] The body, like clay upon the potter's wheel, is molded
[00:29:57] to reflect the inner truth of the soul it houses.
[00:30:00] The tissues are fashioned into a semblance of the natural maiden form,
[00:30:05] creating a vessel of beauty and function, a new entrance
[00:30:08] to the sacred temple of the body, a blessed vagina plasty.
[00:30:14] Jeez.
[00:30:16] Doth thou now understand my love?
[00:30:19] Yes. Yep.
[00:30:20] The fire in thine eyes appears to have dimmed, my love.
[00:30:23] Sorry.
[00:30:25] Uh, seems kind of late.
[00:30:27] Shall we embrace?
[00:30:29] I'm good. I'm good.
[00:30:30] Damn. I never noticed the Adam's apple before.
[00:30:33] I guess that's on me.
[00:30:35] It's the moonlight rendezvous.
[00:30:36] I missed a lot of detail in the dim lighting.
[00:30:39] My love.
[00:30:40] Oh, look at that stubble. Fuck me.
[00:30:47] Oh, shucks.
[00:30:50] You know how Brad hates when somebody, somebody breaks character.
[00:30:54] Yeah, that's too bad because that would have been a good role for you.
[00:30:58] What what what about that role makes you think it would be good for me?
[00:31:02] Well, it's a man.
[00:31:04] And you're in dimly lit.
[00:31:08] That is my best lighting for being a leading man.
[00:31:14] Now that we got that out of the way, I'm again, I'm sorry that I let you down.
[00:31:17] And I didn't I didn't land that script as embarrassing.
[00:31:20] That's OK, Jack. There's always another chance.
[00:31:23] I hope that's true. But I'd really like to go back to this heat training.
[00:31:26] I think that's what this episode is going to be.
[00:31:28] Hostile environment awareness training.
[00:31:30] Jeff. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:31:32] So taught by Navy SEALs.
[00:31:34] That's wild. Yeah.
[00:31:36] They're cool guys, too.
[00:31:37] I'm taller than all of them, but they all scare me.
[00:31:40] I bet.
[00:31:41] In what other ways are you guys physically similar and different?
[00:31:46] Well, they are shorter, but they project confidence.
[00:31:52] And, you know, I'm taller, but I'll point at your wiener and I'll be like,
[00:31:56] what's that about?
[00:31:57] You know how I do that thing?
[00:31:59] I do it. I don't I don't love it.
[00:32:01] It doesn't project confidence, Jack.
[00:32:04] Kind of creepy. A lot of people say it's creepy.
[00:32:06] It's confusing and creepy.
[00:32:08] Confusing is what I usually lead with.
[00:32:10] But, you know, I like SEALs.
[00:32:12] They give off this confidence.
[00:32:13] They they just they you can tell these guys feel good about themselves.
[00:32:20] And they like what they're doing.
[00:32:21] No, I bet that's true.
[00:32:23] Didn't you you hired a SEAL?
[00:32:25] I mean, I shouldn't get off on this tangent, but I mean, I got to ask.
[00:32:28] You did hire a SEAL to follow your wife when you thought
[00:32:31] she was having an affair and you I like I know that's personal and I'm sorry.
[00:32:35] But could you just sort of tell that story?
[00:32:37] Yeah. So I just I got it in my head that my wife was
[00:32:42] was, you know, was having an affair.
[00:32:45] And and so and I know her particular type.
[00:32:50] Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
[00:32:51] So I was just like, OK, well, I hired this Navy SEAL.
[00:32:56] Mm hmm. And I said, OK, listen,
[00:32:59] his name he was he was Lieutenant Rodriguez.
[00:33:03] Mm hmm. Lieutenant.
[00:33:06] This is what my wife my wife likes men who are shorter than I am kind of like me.
[00:33:11] She loves Hispanic men.
[00:33:12] She's very attracted to Hispanic that kind of the tawny skin, the darker skin.
[00:33:17] Hispanic. She really loves that.
[00:33:19] He's like, I understand.
[00:33:20] And she likes confident men, men who exude confidence
[00:33:24] and don't point at you and say, is that a wiener?
[00:33:27] And and so he was he understood us.
[00:33:30] I just want you to follow my wife.
[00:33:32] And he and he and he tailed her.
[00:33:34] Yeah. He tailed her. Yeah.
[00:33:38] That's great. Did he also follow her?
[00:33:40] I don't know. I just have video of the tailing.
[00:33:49] Shoot, man. I'm sorry.
[00:33:50] Those the seals are good at what they do.
[00:33:52] He was so good. And I mean, she she was his training must have been amazing.
[00:33:57] She talks about it to this day.
[00:34:01] What does she typically say?
[00:34:03] Like, I love seals.
[00:34:05] They know what they're doing.
[00:34:07] Mm hmm. They're so well trained.
[00:34:10] Mm hmm. You have you have she kept saying you have no idea.
[00:34:13] Mm hmm. Uh huh.
[00:34:15] And, you know, and I have the video, so I have an idea.
[00:34:19] And, you know, he's superimposed a graphic on it.
[00:34:22] I don't know how you do that.
[00:34:23] But you said this is what you get for being a jealous cuck.
[00:34:28] That's weird.
[00:34:29] It is weird because I paid for this.
[00:34:31] I know he was a lot of money.
[00:34:33] It was eight hundred dollars a day.
[00:34:36] That's a lot of money.
[00:34:38] Oh, I can see that this is very upsetting for you.
[00:34:41] Yeah. Oh, boy.
[00:34:45] Hate to think about it.
[00:34:46] I know. But I do think about it all the time
[00:34:50] because on my wife's nightstand is an Osama bin Laden figurine.
[00:34:56] So, of course, as soon as I see that, I think of SEAL Team six.
[00:34:59] Of course. And their training.
[00:35:01] Yeah. And how much she values their training.
[00:35:05] She kept saying, thank you for your service.
[00:35:07] How do you have any sense as to how many of the six?
[00:35:15] How many of the SEAL Team six? Yeah, I don't.
[00:35:18] She did a reverse bin Laden.
[00:35:20] She created a model of their own houses
[00:35:26] and plotted out all the windows and access points and entry areas.
[00:35:30] And she trained on this for months.
[00:35:32] Did she really?
[00:35:33] She could show up at any single one of their apartments and gain entry
[00:35:36] very quickly and make their way very, make her way very quietly through the house.
[00:35:41] She knew exactly where the bedroom was, the master bedroom.
[00:35:44] Uh-huh. And it was amazing.
[00:35:46] So she kind of did a reverse SEAL training on them.
[00:35:49] That's crazy. And did they plot out her entry points?
[00:35:53] They did. And they kept saying you're in about a bad girl.
[00:36:02] I've got this has got to hurt to talk about.
[00:36:04] It's going to be so tough for you.
[00:36:06] It's good to get this off my chest.
[00:36:08] Oh, is that what she told the SEALs?
[00:36:11] Yeah. She says that all the time, especially when they get a bunch,
[00:36:14] you know, when they get all together, they work together as a team, obviously.
[00:36:18] Obviously. Obviously.
[00:36:23] Yep. Breach.
[00:36:24] Oh, Brian. Fire in the hole.
[00:36:30] Yeah. It brings back a lot of memories.
[00:36:32] God, why did I bring this up?
[00:36:34] I'm so sorry.
[00:36:35] I don't know. We went from heat training to a different kind of heat training.
[00:36:39] I don't know.
[00:36:45] Do you get any sense as to why she married you?
[00:36:48] Because when you describe her type,
[00:36:52] yeah, I don't think of you.
[00:36:55] Well, I mean, when I met her, I was different.
[00:36:58] Oh, is that how so?
[00:37:00] Well, I was wearing a Frito Bandito costume.
[00:37:05] I had an outrageous mustache and a sombrero
[00:37:08] and I was walking on my knees, so I appeared shorter.
[00:37:12] Right.
[00:37:15] What was the circumstances of your meeting?
[00:37:18] Well, I was in France
[00:37:22] and she lived in France at the time.
[00:37:25] And I had heard great things about a lot of the guys
[00:37:29] who come from North Africa, from the Maghreb and moved to Paris.
[00:37:32] Yep. And so I just wanted to see it for myself.
[00:37:36] Right.
[00:37:38] So I dressed up like Frito Bandito
[00:37:42] and was knee walking the streets of Paris.
[00:37:47] That's it's got to be tough, like the cobblestones and the
[00:37:51] it's got to be tough knee walking that city.
[00:37:53] I'll be honest, my knees are shot right now.
[00:37:55] And I think that is part of the problem.
[00:37:57] It was those years, the time spent back then,
[00:38:01] knee walking down the Seine,
[00:38:04] knee walking the Saint-Germain-des-Prés,
[00:38:06] like all the different areas.
[00:38:07] Mm hmm.
[00:38:08] Knee walking the Marais.
[00:38:10] Mm hmm.
[00:38:11] Love the area. I love the Marais, but you don't want to knee walk it.
[00:38:14] No. Plus, the French don't pick up after their dogs.
[00:38:19] So.
[00:38:21] It's like a minefield.
[00:38:23] No, I bet.
[00:38:24] And I hadn't had minefield training yet, so I didn't know what to do.
[00:38:26] I just stumbled into that stuff all the time.
[00:38:30] Now I know. Heat training, Jack.
[00:38:32] Now you'd walk around it.
[00:38:34] I go right around it.
[00:38:36] Yeah. Oh, boy.
[00:38:40] Well, you know, let's let's get back to this.
[00:38:45] So, boy, I don't even know.
[00:38:50] We're going to let the chickens go as as you did, as you as you
[00:38:54] watch them get carted off to their slaughter and did nothing to say.
[00:38:57] I'm going to let the chickens go.
[00:38:59] OK. I could talk about that for 10 minutes, but you know what?
[00:39:02] We've talked enough about animals.
[00:39:03] Yep. I would like to understand more of this.
[00:39:06] In what capacity do they think you're going to be
[00:39:11] going through? Like what sort of what's the checkpoint training?
[00:39:14] How do you negotiate
[00:39:18] getting through checkpoints in hostile territories?
[00:39:20] Like what what's the thinking there?
[00:39:22] Well, you want to you don't want to say the wrong thing.
[00:39:25] OK, so you come up to a checkpoint and they knock on the windows
[00:39:30] and they're looking in the car and what are you doing here?
[00:39:32] Where are you going?
[00:39:33] Mm hmm. Go. Well, we're you know, we're humanitarian aid workers.
[00:39:36] We were headed over to this area.
[00:39:38] We're just going to we're looking for a place to establish a kitchen
[00:39:41] where we can feed people.
[00:39:43] Mm hmm. And so we were told this is the and they might say, you know,
[00:39:46] oh, you know, who are you with?
[00:39:48] Mm hmm. Oh, you know, humanitarian aid organization.
[00:39:52] We're here. We were invited by your government.
[00:39:54] Mm hmm. And they might say, oh, OK, well, what do you got?
[00:39:58] Mm hmm. And this is when you're going to be
[00:40:01] and this is when you learn what you do and don't say. OK.
[00:40:05] If you say like, listen, I've got a ton of gold.
[00:40:08] Stupid. Don't say that.
[00:40:10] That's so stupid.
[00:40:13] And not to not to put the spotlight on you.
[00:40:16] I know this level of the training was actually implemented
[00:40:19] because of a series of your mistakes.
[00:40:22] Yeah. Some of your other humanitarian work.
[00:40:24] So like, you know, what are some of the mistakes you made
[00:40:27] that they're now teaching you not to make, you know, in some of your foreign trips?
[00:40:31] Well, I had one time I, you know, I didn't want to stick out as an American.
[00:40:37] I wanted to blend in.
[00:40:39] I wanted to look like somebody from another country, people from other countries.
[00:40:43] They wear T-shirts that say stupid things.
[00:40:46] Right. Just any words you go to Asia, they just have the dumbest things
[00:40:49] on their shirts. They don't make any sense.
[00:40:51] So I had one made and it said there is a diamond in my bottom.
[00:40:55] It's just a random series of words.
[00:41:00] Yeah. Nonsensical to fit into sort of that Eastern European weird T-shirt thing.
[00:41:05] Right. And so I had this shirt on and gentleman says,
[00:41:09] is there a diamond in your bottom?
[00:41:11] And I was like, I actually yeah.
[00:41:14] Mm hmm. That's how I hide my extra cash.
[00:41:18] Mm hmm. That's my emergency stash.
[00:41:20] Oh, I see. Is what I call it.
[00:41:23] Uh huh. I was like, so why would I put that on my shirt?
[00:41:25] Don't. Yeah, just inviting trouble.
[00:41:28] You're inviting a cavity search.
[00:41:29] And that's where you store your T-bills.
[00:41:32] Yeah. T-bills and some CDs.
[00:41:37] But how much Dogecoin do you get in there?
[00:41:39] I mean, if you don't mind me asking.
[00:41:41] Well, Doge is crypto.
[00:41:43] Mm hmm. So that's on your phone.
[00:41:45] Ah, which you then pop in there, but you put it in a plastic bag.
[00:41:51] So it seems like a good plan, but I guess I can sort of see why
[00:41:55] that's not a good idea at the checkpoints.
[00:41:56] You don't want to junk up the USBC port.
[00:41:59] No. Absolutely right.
[00:42:03] And I know you had, I think when that was your big trip
[00:42:07] to the Poland-Ukraine border, that you had a really
[00:42:12] bad series of events at a checkpoint.
[00:42:14] Would you mind just sharing with us what happened?
[00:42:17] Yeah. So I, you know, I was entering Ukraine from Poland.
[00:42:22] Mm hmm. So the crossing was at Medica.
[00:42:24] That was the little crossing.
[00:42:26] And I was approached and they said, you know, they said, passport, please.
[00:42:31] And so I handed them my US passport.
[00:42:34] Yep. And the gentleman said, OK, this and he's holds up the passport.
[00:42:39] And he looked at the passport.
[00:42:40] Then he looked at me and I said, is it the hair?
[00:42:43] And he said, yes.
[00:42:44] He goes, your hair is very short in this photo.
[00:42:46] And I said, well, it's from COVID.
[00:42:49] He goes, you have COVID?
[00:42:50] I'm like, no, no, I don't have COVID.
[00:42:51] But because of COVID, I just stopped cutting my hair short.
[00:42:55] And then my wife liked it.
[00:42:56] So I keep it like this now. Yeah.
[00:42:59] And he said, OK.
[00:43:01] And he said, what are you doing here?
[00:43:02] And I said, I'm looking for a barber.
[00:43:08] Uh huh.
[00:43:09] And he said, well, we're in the middle of the war.
[00:43:12] Mm hmm. And, you know, this is not the right time.
[00:43:15] And I said, oh, I also do humanitarian aid.
[00:43:18] Hmm. And he said, well, like what?
[00:43:19] And I said, I, I feed people.
[00:43:22] Mm hmm. He said, what do you feed them?
[00:43:25] And so I took out, I had a little thing of lunch in my pocket
[00:43:30] and I gave it to him.
[00:43:31] Mm hmm. And he said, is this a bribe?
[00:43:35] And I said, no, I just want to get past you.
[00:43:39] And then he said, that's the very definition of a bribe.
[00:43:42] And then I started pretending I didn't speak English.
[00:43:46] After that fairly complex five minute conversation,
[00:43:48] you then started to pretend that you didn't speak English.
[00:43:52] Yeah. I just started going, I don't understand you.
[00:43:56] And he just and he just looked at me and he said, what is that accent?
[00:44:00] And I said, well, what accent?
[00:44:02] I don't know what you're talking about like that.
[00:44:05] And he said, I think I'm offended. I don't know.
[00:44:08] I can't tell if I should be offended or not.
[00:44:12] And I said, no, don't be offended, man.
[00:44:14] Just let me buy.
[00:44:18] Uh huh. I'm offended.
[00:44:20] Yeah. But and then he finally let me in.
[00:44:23] Really? Yeah. I cleared that checkpoint.
[00:44:26] That why did he let you in, do you think?
[00:44:28] The Russians had lobbed a missile that kind of blew up nearby.
[00:44:31] So he got super distracted.
[00:44:33] That's great.
[00:44:34] They were trying to blow up a convenience store.
[00:44:38] That sounds like the Russians I know.
[00:44:41] And so he dashed off and I took that opportunity
[00:44:43] to introduce myself to the country of Ukraine.
[00:44:47] That's great. How did you introduce yourself?
[00:44:49] I said, what's up?
[00:44:51] How did you choose that accent?
[00:44:55] Because that accent to me sounds like Desi Arnaz, who like after a stroke,
[00:45:00] it just came to me.
[00:45:01] You know, my my usual technique is to let God put the accent into my head.
[00:45:08] OK, so what other ways do you just sort of like let life wing it?
[00:45:14] Were you going to assume that God is going to put something into your life?
[00:45:19] Well, like when I was driving.
[00:45:21] Mm hmm. And I was like, you know, man, I'm sure tired.
[00:45:24] I'd love to take a nap, God.
[00:45:26] But I really want to get to where I'm going, so I don't want to stop the car.
[00:45:30] Yeah. I said, perhaps you could take the wheel, God.
[00:45:35] And did he say, it's OK, Brian, I'll take the wheel.
[00:45:38] No, he was like, you need to kill your family.
[00:45:43] And I was like, why?
[00:45:44] That's so not cool. Why would I do that?
[00:45:46] Oh, man. Yeah.
[00:45:49] Had you taken mushrooms before that drive?
[00:45:51] Yeah, well, I usually do.
[00:45:54] You know, because you have these long drives.
[00:45:56] But when you on any kind of psilocybin mushrooms, time is not a thing.
[00:46:01] It's great. So you can make a four hour drive goes by like nothing.
[00:46:06] You know what time?
[00:46:07] You know, I have this four hour drive ahead of me.
[00:46:09] I'm leaving New York.
[00:46:11] I'm driving four hours towards Cape Cod.
[00:46:14] And it's just like that's a drag.
[00:46:15] It's a boring drive.
[00:46:16] And so, yeah, it takes some mushrooms and, you know, you have
[00:46:19] you lose all concept of time. Yeah.
[00:46:22] But then like before, you know, you're in Cleveland.
[00:46:30] So it has its advantages and disadvantages, you'd say.
[00:46:34] It does, because then it took me a while to get get back to where I was going.
[00:46:39] And by the time there I got to the Cape Cod, the whole holiday was over.
[00:46:45] My dad was like, I wish I had a chance to spend time with your son.
[00:46:49] Mm hmm. And I was like, OK, melting face, man.
[00:46:56] You were still heavily on mushrooms.
[00:46:58] Well, I'd taken some right before I got there.
[00:47:02] Because I thought it might extend.
[00:47:03] See, I was upset that I had blown the holiday,
[00:47:05] so I thought it might extend the holiday longer.
[00:47:08] Get you some time back.
[00:47:09] Yeah. But instead, my dad melted and my stepmother turned into a dragon.
[00:47:16] What did you do with your stepmom?
[00:47:18] I told her to stop talking to me and farts because apparently dragons talk with farts.
[00:47:23] No, that's that's the mushrooms talking.
[00:47:25] That's not it's not true.
[00:47:27] I don't know because I didn't watch Game of Thrones because
[00:47:30] my friend never got to direct it.
[00:47:34] It's cool. You should check it out, because the
[00:47:37] their dragon research is very clear on this.
[00:47:39] There is no farting.
[00:47:41] All right. I will check it out.
[00:47:43] Just please check it out.
[00:47:44] I feel like I'm letting Brad down.
[00:47:47] No, he did that to himself.
[00:47:53] I was thinking the other day about
[00:47:56] having the talk. Yeah.
[00:47:58] I'm talking about the other talk.
[00:48:00] How do you have the talk for parents out there
[00:48:03] who are thinking about selling their business without using silent partners?
[00:48:09] Like, well, how does that how does that
[00:48:12] how do you have that talk with your kids so that they understand
[00:48:14] the importance of using silent partners and and how to remember their website?
[00:48:19] Like just quickly.
[00:48:20] It's because it's a thing that all parents sort of like have to deal with.
[00:48:24] And it's and you've got you've gone through it.
[00:48:27] Well, my usual technique would be, you know, you wait till evening time.
[00:48:32] Things have calmed down. It's after dinner.
[00:48:33] They're kind of in their rooms chilling. Yeah.
[00:48:37] There's a knock on their door.
[00:48:38] They say, come in.
[00:48:40] And then this short
[00:48:42] Mexican man in a sombrero,
[00:48:45] the big mustache and a poncho comes in the room
[00:48:50] and just says, I want to talk to you about something.
[00:48:52] And they kind of look at you and they say, they'll be like, dad.
[00:48:56] No, no. My name is Frito Bandito.
[00:48:59] And and then you you sit them on the bed
[00:49:03] and you kind of you knee up to the bed and you say,
[00:49:07] you know, sometimes you've got a business, you you you
[00:49:11] you love somebody and you want to sell your business.
[00:49:15] You want to touch the ladies.
[00:49:18] Well, you're combining it all. OK, I see.
[00:49:19] I like to kill two birds with one stone.
[00:49:22] I'm too embarrassed to talk to my kids about it.
[00:49:24] So but Frito Bandito can do it. That's my alter ego.
[00:49:27] So smart. So he's like, so you got a business, you want to sell it.
[00:49:32] And she's a pretty lady. You want to touch her.
[00:49:34] And so what you got to do is you go to silent partners and silent
[00:49:38] dot partners is the website.
[00:49:41] But dad, all websites end with dot com or dot net.
[00:49:44] No, you stupid idiot.
[00:49:46] What you talking about?
[00:49:47] Stupid idiot. What you talking about is what you say.
[00:49:52] Oh, OK. You know nothing.
[00:49:54] You know, nothing is silent dot partners.
[00:49:56] Partners is a domain like dot TV or dot edu or dot wiz.
[00:50:04] It's all the domains. It's new.
[00:50:07] OK, and so then you go to silent dot partners to sell your business.
[00:50:12] Don't touch the lady if she says no.
[00:50:15] Oh, good.
[00:50:18] She got to work that in there.
[00:50:19] Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.
[00:50:21] You need you need permission.
[00:50:22] You can't just touch the ladies.
[00:50:24] You know, you need you touch the ladies like that.
[00:50:26] You get in trouble. Harvey Weinstein, you know,
[00:50:30] silent dot partners.
[00:50:34] So how how how does a child's brain process
[00:50:39] the sexuality and the sex they're not having but hope to one day have?
[00:50:43] And the fact that they're not yet entrepreneurs.
[00:50:46] Well, they know they're they're coming at it from, you know,
[00:50:49] it's a double negative for them.
[00:50:50] They have no experience running a business or no and no experience with a lady.
[00:50:56] And so they're just like they're kind of like they can't.
[00:50:58] You know, it's hard.
[00:50:59] It's like explaining being a parent to somebody who doesn't have kids.
[00:51:02] They just it's really they just don't understand.
[00:51:04] You just don't know.
[00:51:05] Yeah, I can just have to do it to know.
[00:51:07] So it's like having a bit.
[00:51:09] So you just got to try to.
[00:51:10] So you have to be like, OK, imagine you've got a business, you know,
[00:51:14] and you've got a pretty lady.
[00:51:16] So you want to have a company, but you want to sell the business.
[00:51:19] After all these years, you want to move on with your pretty lady.
[00:51:23] You want to raise a family or something, you know?
[00:51:26] You go to silent dot partners.
[00:51:29] It's a website. It's not dot com. No.
[00:51:35] And then they silent dot partners, those people, they will guide them
[00:51:39] through the process of selling their business and getting the most
[00:51:43] for what they're selling, you know, they so and then, you know, and
[00:51:48] I remember don't believe the healthy and every size people.
[00:51:54] You don't want that, you know?
[00:51:58] Yeah, no, no.
[00:52:00] And isn't it true that your youngest actually
[00:52:06] got so confused by these these dual messages
[00:52:10] that he reached out to silent dot partners for like lady advice?
[00:52:16] Yeah, he did.
[00:52:17] Yeah. So that I mean, that must have been awkward, like because, you know,
[00:52:21] silent partners was probably thinking that they're getting pranked.
[00:52:23] But this was just a kid making an honest mistake.
[00:52:25] Well, no, I mean, he contacted them.
[00:52:27] He said, what do I if I ever I want to sell my pretty lady.
[00:52:31] What do I do? Oh, no.
[00:52:33] Yeah. I hope they responded appropriately.
[00:52:37] They did. I mean, they kind of reversed engineered it.
[00:52:40] Oh, so well, they helped him build a business instead of sell the business
[00:52:44] in the hopes that in the future he will sell the business.
[00:52:46] So right now he wants one of the most profitable Bordeaux's in New York.
[00:52:52] He's got some of the most beautiful women.
[00:52:56] They're going.
[00:52:56] And you know, but when he goes to sell the business. Yeah.
[00:52:59] You know, he's already locked in with silent partners
[00:53:01] because, you know, they gave him the advice he needed.
[00:53:03] So he's got a solid business.
[00:53:05] So smart. You know, so his thing is like when he sells the business,
[00:53:09] silent partners consults will consult with them to, you know,
[00:53:12] live up to his wishes. Right.
[00:53:14] He might say, listen, I want you to burn the books.
[00:53:18] I want you to return all the ladies passports,
[00:53:21] you know, that and they will accommodate him.
[00:53:24] They will do that. That's what they do.
[00:53:25] They work with your business.
[00:53:27] Wow. I mean, what an incredible
[00:53:31] organization to, you know, if you're a business person,
[00:53:35] how do you not go to silent partners right away?
[00:53:38] I don't know. I think it's insane.
[00:53:39] It's insanity.
[00:53:41] I'm hoping to develop my business further so that I can sell it through them.
[00:53:45] Oh, what's your business?
[00:53:48] We build houses.
[00:53:49] Oh, that's right.
[00:53:51] For mice,
[00:53:53] because normally they live in holes in the wall.
[00:53:56] That's right.
[00:53:56] You look at Tom and Jerry.
[00:53:58] A lot of people used to think that was funny.
[00:53:59] I thought it was sad.
[00:54:01] Oh, little mouse hole.
[00:54:02] That's no way to live.
[00:54:05] We build mouse homes.
[00:54:07] Look, I don't want to step on silent partners toes,
[00:54:09] but they should probably advise you to like sell that to people.
[00:54:12] I'm going to do what I'm going to do.
[00:54:14] OK, fine. I'm not going to have this argue with you again.
[00:54:20] Jack. Yeah, Brian.
[00:54:23] You know how you auditioned previously for Brad, my friend,
[00:54:26] and you botched the last two auditions?
[00:54:28] I mean, you don't have to put it that way, but sure. Yes, I know.
[00:54:31] I mean, that's what Brad calls it. He calls it botching.
[00:54:33] OK, there's a third chance.
[00:54:35] He said, please don't have him botch this.
[00:54:38] So he you while we've been recording this episode,
[00:54:41] which has not been released yet, he's been texting you.
[00:54:44] Yeah, I just sent a little text saying Jack botched it.
[00:54:48] So it's your word and not his.
[00:54:49] Yeah, well, you're right.
[00:54:50] I kind of put words in his mouth
[00:54:52] and he just kind of gives me the thumbs up emoji.
[00:54:54] But we've got a third chance, so maybe I can send him a thumbs up emoji,
[00:54:58] meaning you got it.
[00:54:59] And his opportunity to put words in my mouth.
[00:55:01] That's correct.
[00:55:02] As a director and writer.
[00:55:04] And this is a script he's worked on.
[00:55:06] It's called An American in London.
[00:55:09] Oh, OK. No werewolves.
[00:55:11] It's just about an American traveler in London.
[00:55:13] And he thought you'd be great as the leading role once again.
[00:55:17] Oh, wow.
[00:55:18] Jason, the American who's in London for the first time in his life.
[00:55:22] Oh, that sounds exciting.
[00:55:23] Yeah. So he sent me the script and he'd love to get a cold read.
[00:55:26] And I just realized I didn't send you the script.
[00:55:29] So I'm going to keep talking and then slowly tap away
[00:55:33] and hopefully send you the script and not this other guy
[00:55:36] who has a similar email address
[00:55:37] who I've accidentally sent the script to in the past.
[00:55:41] Sort of like you said, the rough edit of a recent episode, too,
[00:55:45] which caused our show to be delayed in being released.
[00:55:48] I sent the rough edit to my son's old teacher by accident
[00:55:52] because his last name is Jack hyphen something.
[00:55:56] It's amazing.
[00:55:57] I don't know what I was thinking, but I sent you the script
[00:56:00] of Brad's movie An American in London and waiting to get you got it.
[00:56:05] OK, cold read, Jack.
[00:56:07] This is set on the street in in London, England.
[00:56:12] OK, I'm Jason.
[00:56:13] And you this gentleman approaches you.
[00:56:15] It's an Englishman, Mr. Lancashire.
[00:56:16] I'll play him. OK, great.
[00:56:19] Ready? I'm ready.
[00:56:21] Pardon me, sir. Yes.
[00:56:24] Might you have a fag?
[00:56:27] I beg your pardon.
[00:56:28] Oh, I see that you are an American.
[00:56:31] I'm so sorry. Here in London we call cigarettes fags.
[00:56:35] Oh, wow. That's weird.
[00:56:37] Why is a cigarette called a fag?
[00:56:40] Well, now that you mention it, I'm not quite sure.
[00:56:43] Perhaps because you put them in your mouth.
[00:56:45] Oh, oh, that makes sense.
[00:56:49] What would you call the front of that automobile over there?
[00:56:52] The hood.
[00:56:53] Ha ha ha. We call it the bonnet.
[00:56:56] Bonnet. That's hilarious.
[00:56:59] And the back of the automobile?
[00:57:01] The trunk.
[00:57:03] We call it the boot.
[00:57:05] That's crazy.
[00:57:06] Yes, the language is a little different here.
[00:57:09] And what would you call that old woman there?
[00:57:12] Grandma? Nan.
[00:57:15] Ha, Nan.
[00:57:18] And what about this chap?
[00:57:20] A gay prostitute?
[00:57:22] We call them rent boys.
[00:57:24] Rent boys? Wow, that's funny.
[00:57:26] And here, what would you say I'm doing?
[00:57:29] You're handing the rent boy a few bucks.
[00:57:31] We'd say a few quid.
[00:57:34] Quid? Ha ha.
[00:57:36] And he's pulling down your pants.
[00:57:38] No, he's removing my trousers.
[00:57:41] Wow, that sounds fancy.
[00:57:44] What's the the rent boy doing now?
[00:57:46] In British English, we'd say he's fondling my bollocks.
[00:57:50] And now you're making out.
[00:57:52] Snogging.
[00:57:53] Snogging. And now you're...
[00:57:56] It's called buggery, my good man.
[00:57:59] Your new English friend, James Lancashire.
[00:58:01] The third is buggering a rent boy.
[00:58:04] Buggering a rent boy on the sidewalk?
[00:58:07] We say pavement.
[00:58:09] Buggering a rent boy for a few quid on the pavement in front of a shocked Nan?
[00:58:15] Wow. I've only been in London for a few hours and already I've learned so much.
[00:58:20] Oh, oh.
[00:58:23] So how long will you be visiting for?
[00:58:27] A whole week.
[00:58:28] Well, would you like me to show you Big Ben?
[00:58:32] Sure, I'd love that.
[00:58:34] There he is.
[00:58:36] Oh, I thought you meant the clock.
[00:58:40] Shoot.
[00:58:42] What what movie is that?
[00:58:46] Brad raised a lot of money for this movie.
[00:58:49] That's a really bad scene.
[00:58:51] You know, it doesn't always make it into the final film, but it's a film.
[00:58:56] I mean, it's a scene that he's passionate about.
[00:58:59] Because it's what's the discovery of a new language?
[00:59:02] You know, this it's English you've spoken your whole life,
[00:59:03] but suddenly you have all these new words like boot and bonnet and rent boy.
[00:59:10] It's.
[00:59:13] It's a strange it's a strange script.
[00:59:15] I've read a lot of strange scripts in my day,
[00:59:18] and this is perhaps the strangest and worst.
[00:59:21] Well, he says it's a three hour movie.
[00:59:23] So, you know, who knows?
[00:59:24] Maybe there are other scenes that might pique your interest,
[00:59:26] but it doesn't really matter because you flubbed.
[00:59:28] I'm sorry, you botched the audition.
[00:59:31] What would they say in London?
[00:59:33] You fucked it up.
[00:59:37] Well, that's all the time we have for questionable material.
[00:59:39] How would how would they sign off in London?
[00:59:41] Do you have any sense?
[00:59:42] It's probably tally ho or something.
[00:59:45] OK. And as a British man, as a British nobleman
[00:59:49] with a filthy mind and a dark secret, tell people what you would like to do
[00:59:53] in terms of liking and subscribing and telling friends about the podcast.
[00:59:56] How would a British Britishman do that?
[00:59:58] Review us and all that.
[01:00:01] Mm hmm.
[01:00:04] Blimey.
[01:00:08] Brian, you did a great job closing that out in British.
[01:00:11] Thank you.
[01:00:12] Great. You're such a talent.
[01:00:14] Tally ho. Thank you.
[01:00:15] Thank you.
[01:00:15] Tell tell a friend.
[01:00:17] Do do us a favor.
[01:00:18] Tell a friend about the podcast.
[01:00:19] Tally ho and all that.
[01:00:21] Perfect. Good night.
[01:00:23] That was questionable material with Jack and Brian.
[01:00:30] Subscribe on any podcast platform.
[01:00:32] Visit us at QM Podcast dot com.
[01:03:08] So, you know, it's just too bad because he really had high hopes for you.
[01:03:11] I'm going to have to going to have to let him know.
[01:03:15] Brad, you asked the impossible.
[01:03:17] Let's move on. I want another chance later.
[01:03:19] Maybe just maybe.
[01:03:22] Thine doth protest too much.