We're a little late, sorry. Brian's PDF Disaster. Brian ruins Jack birthday. Jack reads A Cat Named Gouda. Brian's Temu Pocket Constitution. Brian hired a rapierist. Jack reads The Old Stone. Brian's inventions. Jack reads Alira the Ranger. qmpodcast.com
[00:00:00] Hi Brian, Hi Jack.
[00:00:03] So, it seems like you've been going through some stuff lately. Let's get into it.
[00:00:08] No, it's just a little stressful. Now I forget to put the microphone in front of my face for a change.
[00:00:14] Oh, how does that feel?
[00:00:16] It feels like you.
[00:00:18] How you like them apples?
[00:00:20] Yeah, I had a bit of a stressful thing.
[00:00:25] Yep. So, we were supposed to record three and then an hour and a half ago-ish and then 20 minutes ago-ish and you weren't able to. What happened?
[00:00:34] Well, my son is applying to what they call the service academies.
[00:00:39] Okay.
[00:00:39] So, he wants to apply to the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis and that requires a congressman or a senator or someone to give you a nomination.
[00:00:50] Oh, okay.
[00:00:51] And so, you have to fill, you know, depending on the- everybody has their own different way of doing it, but you need to present a nomination packet which has, you know, references, Jeep grade stuff, SAT stuff, an essay, and all these, you know, names and numbers and all that stuff.
[00:01:09] And, and there's a deadline.
[00:01:11] Today's the deadline.
[00:01:14] And, and finally had it all together.
[00:01:17] It was looking real pretty.
[00:01:18] And then Stash, my son wanted to make an edit to the file, the PDF.
[00:01:26] Mm-hmm.
[00:01:27] And so, I went in there and I, I, whatever I did, it jumbled letters all over in, in, on every page as if like they just were thrown into a blunderbuss and just shot at the page.
[00:01:40] Like, so suddenly my beautiful, well laid out, you know, addresses and numbers and were just like all over the place.
[00:01:48] It was just absolute chaos.
[00:01:50] And right before the deadline.
[00:01:51] It's almost as if this child should know better than to have his 75 year old father do tech stuff for him.
[00:01:59] Not 75.
[00:02:00] I'm good with PDFs.
[00:02:01] I just don't know what happened.
[00:02:02] I did a slight edit and suddenly the whole document was ruined.
[00:02:06] Well, now let me just confirm what, what, what do you think PDF stands for?
[00:02:13] Potentially deleted fun.
[00:02:17] Okay.
[00:02:20] So what, what did you suggest your son do on his PDF?
[00:02:24] Well, I mean, I thought it would be cool to draw like a little picture in the margins just in case whoever's reviewing the packet is bored.
[00:02:33] You know, it's gotta be boring.
[00:02:34] All these essays about, I'm going to be in the, in the Naval Academy because, and he's just, you know, they get tired of this.
[00:02:40] So they want to see something funny written on the side.
[00:02:44] Okay.
[00:02:46] I guess so.
[00:02:47] So, you know, I just, I encouraged him to just write some funny stuff on the, on the margins.
[00:02:52] Okay.
[00:02:52] What, what were some of the funny things you helped him write on the margin?
[00:02:55] Like what, what was your, your top joke?
[00:02:57] Your, your bang up joke.
[00:02:58] Well, a Klansman hanging from a rainbow.
[00:03:03] So a member of the KKK hanging from a, like in a noose, has he hung himself?
[00:03:08] He's hung himself from a rainbow.
[00:03:10] Okay.
[00:03:10] And I mean, that seems, I mean, I guess that could be funny on its own.
[00:03:15] It just seems like disturbing.
[00:03:17] No, there's a lot of people underneath who are like pointing and laughing and giggling.
[00:03:22] Okay.
[00:03:23] What's what, what's the, what's the, the satire?
[00:03:26] What's, what's funny about that?
[00:03:27] Well, it makes the rainbow sag.
[00:03:31] So the rainbow looked more like an M instead of an arc.
[00:03:35] Uh huh.
[00:03:36] And that's, what's funny.
[00:03:39] And then, but there was one character in the corner and that's the mother of the Klansman
[00:03:44] and she's very sad.
[00:03:45] You can see, she's crying.
[00:03:47] So you get in this one margin, uh, uh, a handmade drawing.
[00:03:53] It seems like you really get into this guy's backstory a lot.
[00:03:56] I, you know, I just, I, yeah.
[00:03:58] And as his, she was holding his diploma and he had done, he actually had done pretty well
[00:04:03] in school.
[00:04:04] Oh no.
[00:04:05] And so she had high expectations for him, but then he got, he got waylaid by being,
[00:04:10] he was a little racist and he got waylaid and joined the Klan.
[00:04:13] And then my phone rang.
[00:04:16] You are a mess.
[00:04:17] So I'm a mess.
[00:04:18] And then, yeah, I, I gotta put it on.
[00:04:20] Do not disturb.
[00:04:22] Then the phone won't ring and disturb us.
[00:04:26] Um, so yeah, so he's, he's, he was a college graduate.
[00:04:31] He had a promising future and his mommy loved him.
[00:04:34] Of course.
[00:04:35] Of course.
[00:04:36] As most mommies do.
[00:04:37] Yeah.
[00:04:38] Once in stick around.
[00:04:39] Yeah.
[00:04:40] I did until I was 13 or so.
[00:04:42] Um, and then, yeah.
[00:04:44] So there's like a lot going on there.
[00:04:46] So she's holding his diploma and she's like the fate and she's crying, but she's also kind
[00:04:50] of shaking her fist.
[00:04:51] Like why you could have been something.
[00:04:53] Why did you join the Klan?
[00:04:55] Wow.
[00:04:57] Very powerful stuff.
[00:04:59] Thank you.
[00:05:00] No, I didn't mean that in a good way at all.
[00:05:03] What do you mean?
[00:05:04] Well, I mean, it just seems like, I don't know.
[00:05:08] It just seems like that the image of any hanging person, even a vile person, like a member of
[00:05:13] the clan is, it just seems like I just, it's, I'm struggling.
[00:05:17] I get that the bendy rainbow is sort of funny, but I mean, do you have any sort of like, you
[00:05:22] know, classic cartoon characters or anything in there to sort of make it, let people let
[00:05:26] the, these sort of distinguished readers know that it's supposed to be funny.
[00:05:30] Yeah.
[00:05:30] Well, there's the road runner.
[00:05:33] He's running, he's on, he's on the rainbow and he's dropping an anvil.
[00:05:39] Okay.
[00:05:40] On the mom.
[00:05:43] On the mom.
[00:05:44] She seems, I know she raised a Klansman, but I, she was disappointed in her now dead son.
[00:05:52] I feels like she might be a victim in this.
[00:05:55] She's going to be getting an anvil on her head and then, and behind her is the guy who
[00:06:00] sings, you had a bad day.
[00:06:06] Yeah.
[00:06:07] That was my contribution to society.
[00:06:10] Okay.
[00:06:11] I guess so.
[00:06:12] Now I know, you know, for your love of your son, of course, um, you would do anything.
[00:06:19] And I know you've reached out to a lot of senators on this journey, a lot of Congress people
[00:06:23] and whatever, to sort of help with this.
[00:06:25] And they had different requirements and different things, which sort of led you to sort of go
[00:06:30] in a different direction.
[00:06:31] And before you sort of reveal anything more, I have a list of some of the congressmen who
[00:06:36] you went to.
[00:06:36] Would you mind just sort of like telling us what happened when you approached that congressperson?
[00:06:40] Yeah, of course.
[00:06:41] So I, I guess it's because she's in New York like you.
[00:06:46] I know you're not a huge fan, but you went to AOC.
[00:06:50] Yeah.
[00:06:50] She's a congresswoman.
[00:06:52] She is.
[00:06:53] So what, what happened when, when you sort of presented this, you know, what did she
[00:06:57] want in return or like, how did that, where it didn't work out between you?
[00:07:01] Well, I, I basically made an appointment and I walked in there and I said, listen, I need
[00:07:06] you to nominate my boy or I will come gentrify your district.
[00:07:11] And she like, her, her eyes got all like, whoa.
[00:07:15] Mm hmm.
[00:07:16] Mm hmm.
[00:07:16] And then she's like, I don't want you gentrifying my district.
[00:07:21] She can't talk.
[00:07:22] Right.
[00:07:22] Right.
[00:07:24] And, and I was like, well, that's what's going to happen if you don't give me the nomination.
[00:07:29] Cool.
[00:07:30] Oh, so, but obviously she didn't.
[00:07:34] What, what happened?
[00:07:34] Why did it fall through?
[00:07:36] Well, I found out that in the fine print, you actually have to live in that district.
[00:07:41] Oh, so it has to, you have to reach to, so you can either go to a company of the senator
[00:07:46] for the state.
[00:07:47] Yep.
[00:07:48] Cause that's the whole state.
[00:07:49] But if you're in a congressional district, you can only go to that congressman.
[00:07:53] I see.
[00:07:54] Or woman.
[00:07:55] Right.
[00:07:56] And some of these backwards places where they elect women to be their representatives.
[00:08:00] Craziness.
[00:08:00] It is crazy, right?
[00:08:02] Andrew Tate wept.
[00:08:05] Now you went to Matt Gates and you said that like, you sort of shut that down fast cause
[00:08:10] you didn't like where, where things were going with, with Matt Gates.
[00:08:12] Yeah.
[00:08:13] Well, I dressed up like a little boy and I said, I'm looking for an
[00:08:17] nomination and he said, what are you applying for?
[00:08:22] And I said, I don't know.
[00:08:23] You tell me.
[00:08:24] Well, and I kind of did a wink thing.
[00:08:26] Uh huh.
[00:08:27] And then he goes, giggity.
[00:08:32] That's how he talks.
[00:08:33] He's a senator.
[00:08:34] Yeah.
[00:08:35] Or congressman.
[00:08:36] Congressman.
[00:08:36] Yeah.
[00:08:38] Congress person.
[00:08:39] But he, but I remember like, he suggested that he take your son on like a road trip.
[00:08:45] Yeah.
[00:08:45] He said he likes to get to know the candidates.
[00:08:47] And I said, okay.
[00:08:48] And he's like, so he has a camper.
[00:08:53] He's the Congress.
[00:08:54] He calls it the Congress camper.
[00:08:55] Okay.
[00:08:57] And, uh, he says he wants to, you know, he picks them up and he, he says, he's going
[00:09:01] to show them the Washington monument.
[00:09:07] And I said, okay.
[00:09:08] That's cool.
[00:09:08] I guess you can do that.
[00:09:10] But my son nixed it doesn't say he got, got creeped out.
[00:09:14] That's weird.
[00:09:15] So they were, they were right on the, on the mall in Washington, uh, right by the Washington
[00:09:18] monument when he, when he offered this.
[00:09:20] No, no, they were in Philadelphia.
[00:09:25] But the Washington monument isn't in Philadelphia.
[00:09:28] That's weird.
[00:09:29] No, but there's something to do with the age of consent laws in Philadelphia.
[00:09:32] Oh yeah.
[00:09:33] They're tough.
[00:09:34] They're tough down there.
[00:09:35] Trust me.
[00:09:35] Don't I know acceptable.
[00:09:36] Yeah.
[00:09:38] Well, shoot.
[00:09:39] Okay.
[00:09:39] Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
[00:09:40] And then you went to Rashida Tlaib.
[00:09:42] I did.
[00:09:43] You know, I'm surprised she didn't write the letter for what, what, why didn't that
[00:09:47] work out between the three of you?
[00:09:49] Uh, well, because, uh, you know, I, I, I had posed as a member of Islamic Jihad.
[00:09:55] Okay.
[00:09:55] Okay.
[00:09:56] But good way to get a meeting.
[00:09:58] My son wants to infiltrate the service academies.
[00:10:02] Oh, so he can do some real damage.
[00:10:04] Great.
[00:10:05] For all.
[00:10:06] Yeah.
[00:10:07] It's, it's an institution in the West.
[00:10:09] So I, yeah, it needs to be infiltrated.
[00:10:10] It needs to be.
[00:10:11] So, and she was like, well, that sounds really good.
[00:10:13] And then I'm like, okay, cool.
[00:10:15] And then I started eating a ham sandwich.
[00:10:20] She's like, what are you doing?
[00:10:21] I'm like, well, I'm having lunch.
[00:10:21] I'm starving.
[00:10:22] Boy, do I love ham.
[00:10:24] And she's like, wait a second.
[00:10:26] And then she starts speaking to me in the Muslim language.
[00:10:30] Oh gosh.
[00:10:31] And I'm like, well, I don't know what she's saying.
[00:10:34] And, and she's saying, are you prepared to get what she said?
[00:10:37] She said was, are you prepared to give your life?
[00:10:39] Oh, and I was like, yeah, of course.
[00:10:42] Yeah.
[00:10:43] But she was really upset about the ham.
[00:10:46] Yeah.
[00:10:46] Not supposed to eat it.
[00:10:48] So close.
[00:10:49] So close.
[00:10:50] So close.
[00:10:50] I almost got in.
[00:10:51] That's amazing.
[00:10:51] And you know, then you wouldn't have had this trouble that would have caused the delay
[00:10:54] of our podcast.
[00:10:55] If you're traveling with a ham sandwich, then I assume you're traveling with other things
[00:10:59] sort of in your, you know, fanny pack and stuff that are maybe are literally, that are
[00:11:05] a little non-traditional, shall we say?
[00:11:07] Yeah.
[00:11:07] Pocket constitution.
[00:11:09] Okay.
[00:11:09] Great.
[00:11:10] Cause you never know.
[00:11:11] So we might, you know, come up and be like, Hey, do you know what the 14th amendment
[00:11:14] is?
[00:11:14] Sure.
[00:11:15] You'd be like, Oh, hold on one second.
[00:11:19] Right.
[00:11:19] And then I'm like flipping through my ham sandwich.
[00:11:24] No answers to be found there.
[00:11:27] That's the first face that you look is in your hands.
[00:11:29] Yeah.
[00:11:30] Okay.
[00:11:30] Cause that's my go to.
[00:11:31] Right.
[00:11:32] Ham sandwich is my go to.
[00:11:33] I get it.
[00:11:34] Then, then the pocket constitution is like a second or third.
[00:11:37] Sure.
[00:11:38] So, um, yeah.
[00:11:39] And then I told him what the 14th amendment was.
[00:11:42] Which is what?
[00:11:43] That don't pay full price.
[00:11:46] Never pay retail.
[00:11:49] That's the 14th amendment of the constitution.
[00:11:51] Yep.
[00:11:52] According to my T.
[00:11:53] Moo pocket constitution.
[00:11:56] Is it the American constitution?
[00:11:58] I didn't ask.
[00:11:59] It's just said pocket constitution from T.
[00:12:02] Moo.
[00:12:02] Uh, you get 300 for $1 55 plus postage and handling.
[00:12:08] Hmm.
[00:12:08] They came in styrofoam.
[00:12:10] That's always good.
[00:12:11] You know, those styrofoam ones that are actually cornstarch.
[00:12:14] So they're good for the environment.
[00:12:15] Yeah, of course it wasn't does.
[00:12:16] It was just regular styrofoam.
[00:12:18] Yeah.
[00:12:18] Good.
[00:12:19] China.
[00:12:19] Yeah.
[00:12:20] They don't care.
[00:12:21] We don't care on the styrofoam says we don't care.
[00:12:25] Yeah.
[00:12:25] That could possibly be our only legacy is that styrofoam beyond our ideas, beyond our
[00:12:31] children and their, you know, probably meager accomplishments.
[00:12:34] That styrofoam is probably all that's going to last between the two of us.
[00:12:38] That's the only thing.
[00:12:39] Yeah.
[00:12:40] Okay.
[00:12:41] In the meantime, Jack.
[00:12:42] Yep.
[00:12:43] We have a chance to make some money.
[00:12:51] We can just backtrack.
[00:12:53] Hold on.
[00:13:01] All right.
[00:13:01] We, yeah, we can have this be a really crappy cold open.
[00:13:04] Yeah.
[00:13:08] I just said, so there's money to be made in audio books.
[00:13:11] I think I've told you this before.
[00:13:12] Yeah.
[00:13:13] You've told me, you know, I've read audio books in the past and you know, it's fun.
[00:13:16] You just sit in a chair in a smoky studio.
[00:13:21] And you always at us.
[00:13:22] The last time I recorded an audio book and they were complaining about Martha Stewart.
[00:13:26] You're complaining about Martha Stewart.
[00:13:28] She had been there to record a book and was bitching about the smell of cigarette smoke.
[00:13:35] She said she could smell cigarette smoke in the room and she just didn't like it.
[00:13:38] So after complaining about it all day long, she moved her session elsewhere.
[00:13:42] Oh.
[00:13:43] And so they were in a bad, they didn't like Martha Stewart when I did my voiceover.
[00:13:47] I bet.
[00:13:48] And I was like, I love cigarette smoke.
[00:13:49] Give it to me.
[00:13:51] Yeah.
[00:13:51] Good for you.
[00:13:52] Thank you.
[00:13:53] So I sent you a script for an audio book.
[00:13:56] Okay.
[00:13:56] I've just received it.
[00:13:58] I have never read this before in my life for what that's worth.
[00:14:00] The publisher would love for you to read it.
[00:14:02] And this one is called a cat named Gouda.
[00:14:07] It's like a kid's book.
[00:14:09] Oh, that sounds sort of silly and fun.
[00:14:11] Fun name for a cat.
[00:14:12] Yeah.
[00:14:13] So it's a cat named Gouda and it's going to be published for kids.
[00:14:17] And there's a chance for you to be the voice if you can read it professionally.
[00:14:21] Great.
[00:14:21] I'm going to give this my best shot right now.
[00:14:24] Take it away.
[00:14:24] Okay.
[00:14:26] Gouda the cat was not just any ordinary feline.
[00:14:29] She was a cat with a taste for adventure and perhaps more importantly, a taste for fine
[00:14:35] cheeses.
[00:14:37] One crisp autumn eve, Gouda decided to embark on her most daring mission yet, infiltrating
[00:14:43] the Grand Cheese Festival at the town square.
[00:14:45] The festival had every cheese imaginable.
[00:14:49] Creamy breeze, sharp cheddars, crumbly blues.
[00:14:53] And Gouda was determined to sample them all.
[00:14:57] Dashing across the street.
[00:14:58] So focused on cheese.
[00:15:00] Gouda didn't see the speeding Toyota.
[00:15:02] Gouda.
[00:15:06] The impact of a car tire on a cat is a gruesome and violent event.
[00:15:10] The moment the tire makes contact, the cat's fragile body, unable to withstand the force and weight crumbles beneath the massive rubber wheel.
[00:15:20] Bones snap audibly.
[00:15:22] Bones snap audibly, shattering as the pressure from the tires compresses the feline's frame.
[00:15:25] The once soft, agile creature is flattened, its ribs collapsing inward, piercing vital organs like the lungs at heart.
[00:15:33] Blood, thick and dark, pools rapidly from ruptured vessels, staining the pavement with a slick crimson sheen.
[00:15:41] Fur mats in the spreading blood, sticking to the rough surface of the road as the tire continues its motion, dragging the body for a fraction of a second.
[00:15:50] The cat's delicate organs, its liver, intestines and stomach rupture under the weight, spilling out in a sickening mess.
[00:15:58] A once vibrant life is reduced to a scene of torn muscle, exposed bone and visceral gore.
[00:16:04] With pieces of tissue caught in the grooves of the tire as it rolls on, indifferent to the destruction left behind, the head does not fare better.
[00:16:14] Hmm.
[00:16:17] Shoot.
[00:16:18] Shoot.
[00:16:19] It's not a fun adventure.
[00:16:22] Well, at least somebody else will be reading the kids to sleep.
[00:16:25] I guess it won't be you.
[00:16:26] I'm not sure a kid could fall asleep to that, my friend.
[00:16:29] Poor Gouda.
[00:16:31] I feel bad for me.
[00:16:32] I'm not going to be able to sleep.
[00:16:33] My kids are going to have to read me something.
[00:16:35] Gosh.
[00:16:36] We could rather watch like live footage from Lebanon than hear that kid's story.
[00:16:40] Jesus.
[00:16:41] Hmm.
[00:16:41] Pretty, pretty detailed.
[00:16:44] It's too, does it feel too detailed?
[00:16:46] Am I being like, uh, soft?
[00:16:48] I'm not the author.
[00:16:50] Okay.
[00:16:51] Well, uh, you know, thanks for the opportunity, Brian.
[00:16:53] Maybe I'll get another chance later.
[00:16:54] Mayhaps, as we say in old England.
[00:16:57] We may.
[00:17:01] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack.
[00:17:13] QM podcast.com.
[00:17:18] Picking up on something though, real quick before we move any further, that pocket constitution, I, there's something about it.
[00:17:24] I still can't get over the 14th amendment.
[00:17:26] It seems wrong.
[00:17:27] Can I just ask you what, um, some of the other amendments are real quick?
[00:17:30] Yeah, of course.
[00:17:31] Cause I just, I feel like I can't tell if I'm the one who's wrong or maybe there's something that's wrong with the constitution.
[00:17:37] So what for example is, um, and not a lot of people know this one.
[00:17:41] What's the 22nd amendment?
[00:17:42] The 22nd amendment.
[00:17:43] Yeah.
[00:17:44] Hold on one second.
[00:17:47] Uh, it just says, did you grow up in a barn?
[00:17:52] That's more of a question, right?
[00:17:54] Yeah, for sure.
[00:17:56] Yeah.
[00:17:56] That's, I always thought the 22nd was kind of, that was around the 19th was the prohibition.
[00:18:02] Wasn't it?
[00:18:02] Or 18th.
[00:18:03] Yeah.
[00:18:04] But I don't know about the growing up in a barn one.
[00:18:07] So it's not really a law, is it?
[00:18:08] It's just kind of a, something your grandmother says.
[00:18:13] Well, maybe they lost a little momentum.
[00:18:15] The, the, the, the, the, you know, the founders back then.
[00:18:18] So maybe, maybe we're still wrong here.
[00:18:20] What's I know a little bit better.
[00:18:22] Um, uh, well, everyone's always talking about, um, the first and second.
[00:18:26] We'll get to those.
[00:18:26] How about the fourth amendment?
[00:18:27] That's a biggie.
[00:18:29] Uh, it's thou shalt not kill.
[00:18:34] So I feel like.
[00:18:37] Okay.
[00:18:38] That's definitely sounds like a law.
[00:18:40] Okay.
[00:18:41] I guess so.
[00:18:42] Um, what's the.
[00:18:43] I always thought the fourth was about search and seizure, but I guess it's been a while
[00:18:47] since I've actually flipped through the pocket constitution.
[00:18:51] Now is, is there something in that constitution about seizures?
[00:18:54] Can you like, just do a quick scan?
[00:18:56] About seizures?
[00:18:57] Yeah.
[00:18:58] I mean, I, you know, unlawful seizures or, you know, anything.
[00:19:00] Yeah.
[00:19:01] Oh, that's, uh, the 16th amendment.
[00:19:04] Oh, uh, okay.
[00:19:05] I thought it was the fourth, like you did, but so what does it say?
[00:19:07] Just to confirm.
[00:19:08] Don't look at strobe lights.
[00:19:10] You'll get seizures.
[00:19:14] That's, that's just a, uh, that's just a health warning.
[00:19:16] Yeah.
[00:19:18] I mean, it's good advice if you're, you know, if you're epileptic.
[00:19:22] Yeah.
[00:19:23] I'm not hating on that advice, but still goodness.
[00:19:26] I have a friend with an epileptic dog.
[00:19:29] That's gotta be tough.
[00:19:30] It has to have pills every 12 hours or it has a seizure.
[00:19:33] Dog seizures can't be fun.
[00:19:35] No, I don't think so.
[00:19:37] Especially if your dog is your kid.
[00:19:41] No.
[00:19:43] Wait a minute.
[00:19:44] If, if.
[00:19:46] Hold on.
[00:19:48] You mean if this person doesn't have children and they see their dog as their child or do
[00:19:53] they actually somehow co-parent a dog?
[00:19:56] No, no.
[00:19:57] She's a, she's a, she's a dog owner, no kids.
[00:20:00] And she, the dog is, is her kid.
[00:20:02] Oh, okay.
[00:20:03] So it gets a lot of attention.
[00:20:05] Okay.
[00:20:06] So she's not doing, she's not handling it.
[00:20:08] Well, no, I would guess not.
[00:20:10] Very sad.
[00:20:11] What's that?
[00:20:12] What's a cat seizure?
[00:20:14] Like cat seizure.
[00:20:15] Yeah.
[00:20:18] Like you hear them all the time.
[00:20:20] Okay.
[00:20:21] All right.
[00:20:21] Well, it's okay.
[00:20:24] It's a good to know.
[00:20:25] Um, and then at least I know this much for my, you know, crappy civics education.
[00:20:31] I certainly know the first and second amendments.
[00:20:33] What, what is the second amendment of the constitution according to your Timo pocket constitution?
[00:20:40] Uh, it says you, you have the right to keep and bear arms.
[00:20:44] Oh, but you shouldn't.
[00:20:46] Uh, I don't remember that clause.
[00:20:50] I mean, I, I don't remember the last time I read through fully.
[00:20:54] Like it could be one of those things where like people stop quoting it at that point.
[00:20:58] Good.
[00:20:59] Yeah.
[00:20:59] I don't know.
[00:21:00] They, they, they, yeah.
[00:21:02] The security of this free state being necessary to the, a free state being necessary to the
[00:21:09] security of a nation or something like that.
[00:21:11] Yeah.
[00:21:11] The right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but you shouldn't have them.
[00:21:16] Wow.
[00:21:16] What is it?
[00:21:17] The sentence say after that says chairman, she's in pain.
[00:21:23] That's weird.
[00:21:24] I don't recall that.
[00:21:26] Yeah.
[00:21:26] I don't know.
[00:21:27] That seems funny how that's kind of slips in there.
[00:21:30] It doesn't seem right.
[00:21:32] That doesn't seem right.
[00:21:33] It's almost like their forces.
[00:21:35] It was written before he was even alive.
[00:21:40] Exactly.
[00:21:40] I mean, like, look, the founding fathers for their flaws certainly had foresight.
[00:21:46] But still they need to be a Xi Jinping.
[00:21:51] Okay.
[00:21:52] I guess I, last one, and this will prove it because this is the one I know the best.
[00:21:56] This is the one that matters most to me is the first amendment.
[00:21:59] What is your pocket constitution say is the first amendment?
[00:22:03] Uh, you have the right to freedom of speech and assembly unless it's treason.
[00:22:08] Okay.
[00:22:09] And then there's a picture of Xi Jinping.
[00:22:13] And it says, do not call this man Winnie the Pooh.
[00:22:17] Wait.
[00:22:17] So there's, there's a drawing in this constitution?
[00:22:21] Yeah.
[00:22:21] This is weird.
[00:22:22] This is a weird, I don't recall any of this.
[00:22:25] I can't, I don't either.
[00:22:26] What is it?
[00:22:26] You're looking at it right now.
[00:22:27] What does the picture look like?
[00:22:29] It's a picture of Xi Jinping.
[00:22:31] In the background, there's a rainbow and hanging from it is something.
[00:22:36] Oh, it's a Klansman.
[00:22:39] Okay.
[00:22:40] Weird ass constitution.
[00:22:42] That's really weird.
[00:22:46] Pretty strange.
[00:22:47] Okay.
[00:22:47] It feels like they may have gotten one over on you, Brian, but who am I to say?
[00:22:52] It was cheap.
[00:22:52] It was like a dollar 55 for 300.
[00:22:55] I mean, there's one thing I know about you and that's, you can't pass up a deal, which
[00:22:59] again is I think the 14th amendment of that constitution.
[00:23:01] And the 11th amendment is ask your doctor or pharmacist.
[00:23:05] So it is kind of, I think they just randomly grabbed things from the television.
[00:23:11] Now, we're pretty sure from the picture or anything that it was the Chinese government,
[00:23:16] but is there, is there another, this is my last question about this.
[00:23:20] Is there another amendment in there that feels like Chinese to you?
[00:23:30] Yep.
[00:23:30] Yep.
[00:23:31] Oh, good.
[00:23:32] What, what would that be?
[00:23:33] It just says Yang chow fried rice.
[00:23:36] Number eight.
[00:23:38] I thought the first 10 were like the bill of rights and the number eight is a menu item.
[00:23:44] This is a mess.
[00:23:46] It is a mess.
[00:23:48] I'm not feeling it.
[00:23:50] It's just not, it's not a good constitution.
[00:23:53] No, it's not.
[00:23:54] Now I know why the kids want to overthrow it.
[00:23:56] Yeah.
[00:23:57] Start from scratch.
[00:23:58] Decolonize it.
[00:24:01] Hey Brian.
[00:24:02] Hi Jack.
[00:24:04] I know.
[00:24:04] Are you, are you okay?
[00:24:05] Are you going to be able to make it through another segment here?
[00:24:08] Yeah.
[00:24:09] I got the sun in my face.
[00:24:10] Yeah.
[00:24:10] Yeah.
[00:24:10] I see that.
[00:24:11] That's very shiny.
[00:24:12] I see that indeed.
[00:24:14] Um, so you know what else is going on?
[00:24:16] And now this is birthday week.
[00:24:20] Yeah.
[00:24:21] Where my birthday, my 50th birthday, which is a big deal to me.
[00:24:25] It matters a lot.
[00:24:25] And I've made that very clear for a few months, uh, is coming up.
[00:24:29] Uh, and, uh, that's on Thursday.
[00:24:32] We're recording this on Monday and then your birthday is coming up on the 4th.
[00:24:35] Yeah.
[00:24:36] And we have big plans on the 5th and I'm really looking forward to it.
[00:24:39] Yeah.
[00:24:40] It's going to be fun.
[00:24:40] So you'll, you'll be there.
[00:24:42] Uh, you know, like women, the hurricane.
[00:24:44] I don't know if you heard it was a hurricane.
[00:24:46] Yeah, no, I've heard a little bit about it.
[00:24:47] It sounds like really tough for those people whose problem that actually is.
[00:24:50] Yeah.
[00:24:51] And so now it's my problem.
[00:24:52] How, how do you see that?
[00:24:54] Well, because I'll be joining my colleagues to provide assistance, sustenance or build
[00:25:02] stuff.
[00:25:03] Right, right, right.
[00:25:04] And so the, the, all the drive-throughs in the South are closed at McDonald's.
[00:25:08] They can't, there's no, no one else could possibly feed them.
[00:25:12] There are regions that are apparently, I haven't seen it personally.
[00:25:15] I will tomorrow, but there are regions that are apparently very devastated.
[00:25:20] Right.
[00:25:21] So it's devastated like your family and friends when you keep like leaving on a
[00:25:24] minute's notice and destroying plans and breaking hearts and not being there for
[00:25:28] the people who actually love and rely on you.
[00:25:29] It's my birthday too.
[00:25:31] My birthday is ruined also.
[00:25:32] Yeah, I know.
[00:25:33] You know, that's not my top concern at the moment.
[00:25:37] Cause this is just like 53 or four for you.
[00:25:40] Um, I didn't realize it was your 50th.
[00:25:43] Are you joking?
[00:25:44] No.
[00:25:45] We've talked about this for months.
[00:25:48] Like even your wife reminded you like two months ago, like it's Jack's 50th.
[00:25:53] He's going to be doing something big.
[00:25:54] Isn't he?
[00:25:54] We, you and I had this discussion about your wife reminding you.
[00:25:57] You're doing something big in April, right?
[00:25:59] That's your thing.
[00:26:01] Yes.
[00:26:01] In addition, only because it wasn't going to be able to work out for this week for the
[00:26:06] big thing I want to do, which is to have a big roast.
[00:26:09] Yeah.
[00:26:09] That's in April.
[00:26:10] Yeah.
[00:26:11] And the other thing that was very important is for you to be there, uh, you know, on
[00:26:14] Saturday.
[00:26:15] And so I'm not going to do it now.
[00:26:16] I'm going to cancel that plan.
[00:26:18] Why?
[00:26:19] Because you're not going to be there.
[00:26:20] And then don't you have other friends?
[00:26:23] I do, but now I'm not interested in doing it because you're not going to be there.
[00:26:26] Really?
[00:26:27] No, that's not true.
[00:26:28] I promise.
[00:26:29] It's true.
[00:26:30] Why would you do that?
[00:26:31] You know, the office, uh, got canceled when Steve Carell left.
[00:26:35] Cause you don't, you don't pay to see the, the C-list stars.
[00:26:38] You want to see Steve Carell.
[00:26:40] So when Steve leaves, then people lose interest.
[00:26:43] But I thought you had, you, the other gang was coming.
[00:26:47] Yeah.
[00:26:47] Well, uh, you know, we're going to do something else.
[00:26:51] I'm just going to, yep.
[00:26:53] So, uh, anyway, that's cool.
[00:26:54] So, uh, you gotta go deal with this hurricane in the South.
[00:26:57] I feel bad now.
[00:26:59] Okay.
[00:27:00] That's right.
[00:27:01] My wife's going to be angry at me.
[00:27:04] Yeah.
[00:27:04] Well, she remembers that it's my 50th and that it matters a lot, even though I've said
[00:27:07] that to you every other week, but that's okay.
[00:27:10] I missed a couple of birthdays.
[00:27:11] They, they keep, I keep, cause it's hurricane season, I guess.
[00:27:14] That's why.
[00:27:15] That's right.
[00:27:17] Hurricane season.
[00:27:18] I think.
[00:27:19] Yeah.
[00:27:19] The last three birthdays, I think I was alone for one.
[00:27:24] Yep.
[00:27:25] Yeah.
[00:27:26] So, um, I know you work as a party planner, you know, when you're not, you know, going
[00:27:32] around sort of trying to save the planet, which not possible for you to do.
[00:27:36] Uh, so as a party planner is a little extra income.
[00:27:39] So, uh, you know, to sort of make up for things and to help allay my disappointment,
[00:27:46] could you sort of give me some ideas, like some alternate party ideas since the, the party
[00:27:51] that I had planned has now been ruined.
[00:27:53] Um, you know, those photo booths.
[00:27:55] Mm hmm.
[00:27:56] The people do.
[00:27:57] I know them.
[00:27:58] Well, I wouldn't do those.
[00:28:01] Okay.
[00:28:02] Okay.
[00:28:03] Great.
[00:28:04] So you save money.
[00:28:05] What you do is you get a refrigerator cardboard box.
[00:28:08] Okay.
[00:28:10] And you tape an iPhone to the inside.
[00:28:13] Mm hmm.
[00:28:14] And you, you, and then you just make that, you cut it out and cut out a door with a steak
[00:28:19] knife.
[00:28:19] Mm hmm.
[00:28:20] And you make a photo booth and people just go in and take pictures, selfies.
[00:28:24] Oh, that's smart.
[00:28:26] That's just, that's just, that's just good.
[00:28:28] Logical.
[00:28:28] No, but then you have a magician and the magician plunges a sword through the cardboard box at
[00:28:34] random intervals.
[00:28:37] Not a huge sword, it's a small thin one.
[00:28:40] Okay.
[00:28:41] A rapier, not a rapier like Diddy, but a sword.
[00:28:48] Right, right, right.
[00:28:49] Now that's for Diddy.
[00:28:51] You're thinking of either rapper or raper.
[00:28:53] I'm not sure which, but I, you've confused the three words.
[00:28:57] Well, it comes out to how many peas he uses.
[00:29:01] Well, he's always changing that crap anyway.
[00:29:03] So we really don't know.
[00:29:04] That's right.
[00:29:05] I don't even know what he, who, who's going to prison.
[00:29:07] I don't even know now.
[00:29:08] It's hard to check.
[00:29:09] Sean P, Puff.
[00:29:11] Just don't know.
[00:29:12] I don't know either.
[00:29:14] Diddy.
[00:29:14] Diddy.
[00:29:15] Yeah, he did.
[00:29:15] Yeah, he did.
[00:29:16] Yeah.
[00:29:17] He definitely did.
[00:29:19] Now, um, all right.
[00:29:20] So you're plunging the sword into the box.
[00:29:23] Isn't that dangerous for your party guests?
[00:29:24] Yeah, but that's kind of the, that's kind of the, the fun of it.
[00:29:27] A birthday to remember.
[00:29:29] Because you're taking a selfie and then something punctures your abdomen.
[00:29:33] You know, obviously you're going to make a funny face.
[00:29:38] And then, you know, you're hoping that the camera captures that moment.
[00:29:42] Boy.
[00:29:43] Like, oh, this is the moment that Nicholas received the rapier in his abdomen.
[00:29:47] You can tell the shocked look.
[00:29:50] It's right before he staggered out of the box, left the wedding.
[00:29:54] My birthday.
[00:29:57] Wedding.
[00:29:58] You suggest this for weddings?
[00:30:00] I did.
[00:30:02] I did.
[00:30:02] For my now defunct wedding business.
[00:30:05] What happened to it?
[00:30:07] Well, uh, the magician was overzealous.
[00:30:10] He wasn't supposed to do it constantly.
[00:30:12] It was just supposed to be like every once in a while.
[00:30:14] Uh huh.
[00:30:15] And you know, he was supposed, I told him to aim low.
[00:30:18] Yeah.
[00:30:19] You know, so I was hoping, you know, maybe get some legs, you know, but nothing above the head.
[00:30:26] But what happened?
[00:30:27] He got on a stepladder.
[00:30:32] Just a darn minute.
[00:30:34] This just seems like, um, attempted manslaughter.
[00:30:39] This doesn't feel like magic.
[00:30:40] Where did you find this magician?
[00:30:42] It's funny.
[00:30:43] You should say that he was on probation.
[00:30:47] But, you know, it's part of the catch and release plan.
[00:30:51] But he had been let go.
[00:30:52] He was a serial shoplifter.
[00:30:54] Okay.
[00:30:55] And he had gotten into a few altercations with security guards.
[00:30:59] Um, and then he was, he'd gotten in prison, prison briefly.
[00:31:04] And then they, they said, let you, we'll let you out if you behave yourself.
[00:31:08] Okay.
[00:31:09] Need a job.
[00:31:10] Right.
[00:31:11] And then he saw my ad.
[00:31:12] Well, that's neat.
[00:31:13] Now I remember you texting me like, what should I hire this guy or not hire this guy?
[00:31:18] And I didn't really understand what it was at the time because you said he was also a serial rapier.
[00:31:24] Yeah.
[00:31:24] Well, that's it.
[00:31:25] He was a swords, a swordsman.
[00:31:27] Yeah.
[00:31:28] But I think you may have misread that, Brian.
[00:31:30] You know what?
[00:31:31] You.
[00:31:32] Yeah.
[00:31:34] He was so good with the rapier though.
[00:31:37] Yeah.
[00:31:37] Well, it's, it doesn't to stab a cardboard box into mutilator, kill people.
[00:31:41] It's not, I don't know if it's that big of skill.
[00:31:44] It was kind of entertaining.
[00:31:47] Why don't that that?
[00:31:50] Well, I'm sorry about your business there, buddy.
[00:31:52] That's all right.
[00:31:53] There's more.
[00:31:54] Okay.
[00:31:57] More to life than weddings.
[00:32:00] And we, well, I, then I would assume you then turned your wedding business very quickly
[00:32:06] into a funeral business because you know, it was basically the same event.
[00:32:10] I, I, I had, you know, I had, uh, it was home of the exciting wake is what we called it.
[00:32:17] So was it the same crew just like two days later saying goodbye to their friend?
[00:32:22] Um, it's yeah.
[00:32:23] They, I mean, you know, they had my card, they called me.
[00:32:27] Um, but I, you know, I, I got the funeral home.
[00:32:29] I get a very nice setup.
[00:32:31] We had a lot of flowers and stuff that everybody was paying their respects.
[00:32:34] And then, you know, from behind the guy jumps out with his rapier.
[00:32:38] And so it's plunging it into the coffee.
[00:32:41] I mean, this time it's, you know, you're not getting screams.
[00:32:45] Right.
[00:32:46] From the person, just the audience.
[00:32:50] And so it's, it's a different feeling.
[00:32:52] It's a different vibe.
[00:32:54] Sure.
[00:32:55] But it was exciting.
[00:32:57] I guess so.
[00:32:58] I mean, what's the magic of that?
[00:33:01] I mean, did he like say, you know, abracadabra or do you like, was he, was there any like magical
[00:33:05] presentation or is he just really just a, just a killer?
[00:33:09] He had his own, you know, abracadabra is kind of taken and cliched.
[00:33:13] He had his own thing.
[00:33:14] Oh, that's cool.
[00:33:15] I would like, what was his, I like, I love a performer's panache.
[00:33:18] He said it was Sanskrit, but it was, it was just like, I'm going to get you.
[00:33:24] He just kept saying, I'm going to get you.
[00:33:26] Uh huh.
[00:33:28] This is big magical flourish.
[00:33:30] Yeah.
[00:33:31] Just I'm going to get you.
[00:33:32] And then just plunges the rapier into the coffin.
[00:33:35] You know, everybody's like, Oh my God, he's bleeding.
[00:33:38] I'm like, it's not, he's not bleeding.
[00:33:39] It's embalming juice.
[00:33:41] Oh, that's gone.
[00:33:42] They flushed it out of his system.
[00:33:43] That's nice.
[00:33:44] That's why he looks so pallid.
[00:33:46] That's right.
[00:33:47] That's right.
[00:33:47] And what now this guy you found, uh, you said he, he also had like a really funny card
[00:33:52] trick.
[00:33:53] Mm hmm.
[00:33:54] Was I, now I love a good card trick.
[00:33:56] That seems sort of wholesome kid.
[00:33:57] Tell us about the card trick.
[00:33:58] He did.
[00:33:58] Yeah.
[00:33:59] So he would hold a deck of card in front of you and fan it all out, you know, the face
[00:34:04] down.
[00:34:04] So you can't see it.
[00:34:05] Yeah.
[00:34:05] Tell you to pick one.
[00:34:07] Okay.
[00:34:07] You pick one.
[00:34:08] He said, hold it up against your chest.
[00:34:11] He holds it up against his chest and then he would drive a rapier into it.
[00:34:16] And then as the guy staggers back, the card is stuck on the rapier.
[00:34:22] And he would say, did you, was it a four of clubs?
[00:34:27] Uh, and you know, in the chaos, it didn't really matter.
[00:34:30] Right.
[00:34:32] Cause he was screaming and you know, he's, he's trying to get out of there.
[00:34:36] I mean, did he say like, at least like, is this your card?
[00:34:40] He's like, is this a four of clubs?
[00:34:42] And then he's just like, help, help.
[00:34:44] The guy just running away.
[00:34:46] Oh, and it was actually, it was a Jack of hearts.
[00:34:53] So he told me later, he didn't really work on the magic part.
[00:34:56] He doesn't fully know how that works.
[00:35:00] So he's, you know, he's into the thrusting.
[00:35:02] He can get that down.
[00:35:04] But you know, he's like, how are you going to guess?
[00:35:06] It's like one in 52 odds.
[00:35:09] Yeah. I don't, I don't know how to solve for that.
[00:35:11] Yeah.
[00:35:12] So he said, you know, if you do it enough, eventually you'll get it right.
[00:35:15] I guess so.
[00:35:16] Now, did you, did you, you know, cut them loose and, and, you know, I'm not going to work with you anymore type of thing.
[00:35:23] No.
[00:35:24] What, what do you have him doing for you now?
[00:35:27] Pinatas.
[00:35:28] Okay.
[00:35:29] That makes a little more sense.
[00:35:30] So pinata party.
[00:35:32] Okay.
[00:35:33] So that's where I went, just a big pinata with, for kids or something.
[00:35:36] You hang a big pinata.
[00:35:38] Okay.
[00:35:38] And you, you blindfold somebody and you give them a little club.
[00:35:41] Okay.
[00:35:42] And, and he, he's, he's swinging at the pinata, hit it and break it open.
[00:35:48] Cause it's filled with candy.
[00:35:48] And then, and Nathan comes running out with his rapier.
[00:35:55] And he's not blindfolded.
[00:36:23] And he's not blindfolded.
[00:36:23] So he can see you.
[00:36:24] Did Nathan instruct the guy to eat a lot of candy like beforehand.
[00:36:28] So that way, you know, he could like basically treat him like a pinata, like, you know, open up his tummy and the, the candy falls out.
[00:36:34] Yeah.
[00:36:34] Yeah.
[00:36:34] I mean, that's Nathan's dream, but you know, rapiers are just for poking.
[00:36:39] Yeah.
[00:36:40] I know.
[00:36:40] They're not for slicing.
[00:36:44] Jack.
[00:36:45] Brian.
[00:36:46] I know I've mentioned this before.
[00:36:48] There's money in audio books.
[00:36:51] I remember that.
[00:36:52] And I just sent you an audio book.
[00:36:55] And if you can read it professionally, that's the keyword.
[00:37:00] Mm hmm.
[00:37:00] We could possibly get you an audio book deal.
[00:37:04] It's not a problem for me.
[00:37:05] Good.
[00:37:06] I like to hear that.
[00:37:08] Yep.
[00:37:08] This is going to be very, very easy.
[00:37:10] Um, so, uh, okay.
[00:37:11] I just received it.
[00:37:12] I've never read this before in my life.
[00:37:15] Please do.
[00:37:16] Anything I, what's it called?
[00:37:18] Is there anything I need to know?
[00:37:19] It's called the old stone.
[00:37:21] Okay.
[00:37:21] Uh, is there a genre?
[00:37:23] Because that would affect the way I would read it.
[00:37:25] I would say it's, it's nonfiction.
[00:37:28] Okay.
[00:37:29] Mm hmm.
[00:37:30] Okay.
[00:37:30] Count me down.
[00:37:31] Take it away.
[00:37:31] Two, three, one.
[00:37:35] The rock sat motionless at the edge of the forest where the trees thinned out and sunlight
[00:37:40] filtered through in soft golden beams.
[00:37:43] It was neither particularly large nor small, just a rough weathered stone nestled into the
[00:37:48] earth.
[00:37:48] It's surface was uneven, popped with small craters from centuries of wind and rain, each
[00:37:54] mark a testament to the slow erosion of time.
[00:37:57] Moss clung to one side, a verdant green that provided a stark contrast to the dull grayish
[00:38:03] brown of the rock itself.
[00:38:06] Insects occasionally crawled over it, paying no mind to the rock's immobility as they went
[00:38:10] about their fleeting, busy lives.
[00:38:12] The rock sat in silence, as rocks often do.
[00:38:15] But unlike the others scattered along the dusty path, this one had dreams.
[00:38:20] It fantasized about the day it would be picked up by a hand destined for something grand,
[00:38:25] something legendary.
[00:38:27] The rock imagined soaring through the air, its rough surface cutting through the breeze
[00:38:31] with purpose, headed straight for a monumental target, Kim Kardashian's head.
[00:38:37] It wasn't out of malice or spite.
[00:38:39] No, the rock simply craved that fleeting moment of fame to be part of a spectacle so grand
[00:38:44] that it would break free from the mundane life of lying on the ground.
[00:38:48] Being thrown at Kim Kardashian, landing with just enough force to crack her skull and make
[00:38:53] the news was the rock's ultimate fantasy.
[00:38:55] A chance to finally be something more than an anonymous stone.
[00:38:59] Maybe his daddy, who had abandoned him so many years ago, would notice and come back.
[00:39:04] That would be nice.
[00:39:08] That's that's very weird nonfiction.
[00:39:11] A rock with a dream.
[00:39:14] That's my that would probably that's a better title than the old stone.
[00:39:20] Yeah.
[00:39:21] I mean, all stones are pretty old.
[00:39:24] I suppose, but they weren't made yesterday, if you know what I mean.
[00:39:29] Yeah, I know geology.
[00:39:30] I know what you mean.
[00:39:31] I know geology.
[00:39:37] I know you do, Brian.
[00:39:40] I'm sorry.
[00:39:42] That was weird.
[00:39:43] Well, I would love a third chance, maybe right before we end the show.
[00:39:48] Maybe it's possible.
[00:39:49] Good. I look forward to that.
[00:39:52] So I'm very excited because.
[00:39:55] I every time I get a chance to sort of tap into one of your true gifts, and I think there are a few areas where you have true gifts, your gift.
[00:40:04] Is it gifts or gifs?
[00:40:06] Oh, no, this is different.
[00:40:08] You're you're not particularly good at those.
[00:40:10] Actually, considering your already established your technological know how just really quickly.
[00:40:16] What do you think a gift or a gif is?
[00:40:19] It's a picture that likes you.
[00:40:23] That's kind of close, but not close at all.
[00:40:27] You want to take one more guess?
[00:40:29] You don't look a gif horse in the mouth.
[00:40:32] Good.
[00:40:32] Okay, you got it.
[00:40:33] Um, so you've got the gift.
[00:40:37] I'm talking about your special gifts, your unique abilities.
[00:40:40] Your talent.
[00:40:41] I think you're an exceptionally gifted screenwriter.
[00:40:45] We talked about that a little bit last week.
[00:40:46] Mm hmm.
[00:40:47] But I think your biggest gift is, is it a marketing and advertising type of guy?
[00:40:53] You're exceptional at that.
[00:40:55] You've done that in your career.
[00:40:56] And lastly, as an inventor.
[00:40:58] Yeah.
[00:40:58] And, you know, I was taking a look at some of, you know, I just did a quick search on the government's patent office at some of the things that you've patented recently for your sort of, you know, collection of inventions.
[00:41:08] And I was just wondering if I could ask you about some of them.
[00:41:10] And I'm so fascinated by this.
[00:41:13] Do you mind?
[00:41:13] Of course.
[00:41:14] Thanks, man.
[00:41:15] So, yeah, I know you do.
[00:41:17] So, um, well, right here, it says, um, uh, that you were trying to trademark something called immigrant Legos.
[00:41:24] Yes.
[00:41:25] Okay.
[00:41:26] I mean, I love Legos.
[00:41:28] We got thousands of them just waiting to choke the baby, uh, here in the house for my older kids.
[00:41:33] So what, uh, what are immigrant Legos?
[00:41:36] Uh, they're Legos that came here to take your jobs.
[00:41:40] Jesus.
[00:41:45] Okay.
[00:41:46] Yeah.
[00:41:46] It's your invention.
[00:41:47] Okay.
[00:41:48] How did it?
[00:41:50] Well, no, they're going to build things.
[00:41:52] They're going to use immigrant Legos.
[00:41:54] Right.
[00:41:54] And they're going to build, what are they going to build?
[00:41:56] Well, they're going to build houses.
[00:41:58] Mm hmm.
[00:41:59] They're going to build, um, you know, what things that they miss from home.
[00:42:04] Like socialism.
[00:42:06] Socialism.
[00:42:06] So like basically everybody gets Legos.
[00:42:10] Uh, they all get the same amount of Legos.
[00:42:13] Right.
[00:42:14] But you know, not the pieces don't make any sense and you just can't build anything with them.
[00:42:23] Right.
[00:42:24] Okay.
[00:42:24] That makes sense.
[00:42:25] Equally disappointed.
[00:42:26] Just like with socialism.
[00:42:27] That's great.
[00:42:28] And so they all kind of reminds them of home.
[00:42:30] Like, Oh, why?
[00:42:31] Oh, that's, that's why I'm here.
[00:42:33] Okay.
[00:42:34] So what are some other things that you can build with these Legos that, you know, remind them of home?
[00:42:38] Um, well, you could build like a cartel house, which is like a really nice house.
[00:42:45] Uh huh.
[00:42:46] And then you could have like a, a cartel murder house, which is where they kill the enemies of the cartel.
[00:42:54] Uh huh.
[00:42:54] You could have a cartel laboratory.
[00:42:57] Okay.
[00:42:57] Okay.
[00:42:58] For the manufacturer of illicit substances that are then put into a, you can build a truck.
[00:43:05] Uh huh.
[00:43:06] That would drive across the border.
[00:43:09] Yep.
[00:43:09] Or you could build a submarine that would be able to come up to the coasts and deliver their supplies.
[00:43:17] And, and like, uh, you know, sometimes it's my kids always, when they get a Lego set, they go right to the figures.
[00:43:23] Cause you can, you know, the star Wars Legos comes with like a Darth Vader and a Luke Skywalker figure, you know, whatever.
[00:43:28] Now for, for this set does, does it have a little figures and, and what's a feature of it?
[00:43:34] Well, um, you have the cartel figurines.
[00:43:38] Uh huh.
[00:43:39] So like with angry faces and they're, they're very, they have a lot of weaponry and body armor.
[00:43:44] Yep.
[00:43:45] And then you have the cartel kingpin.
[00:43:47] Uh huh.
[00:43:48] And then the, the ladies who like to be around the cart.
[00:43:51] So you have sexy Legos.
[00:43:52] Okay.
[00:43:53] Oh, okay.
[00:43:53] And then you have like the headless Legos, which is, and people who ran a foul of the cartels or either by practicing journalism or by stealing cartel property.
[00:44:05] Uh huh.
[00:44:06] And then you have the corrupt politician figurines.
[00:44:11] So it's, he's got his hand out.
[00:44:12] He's on the take.
[00:44:13] Yep.
[00:44:13] And he's going to, he's going to turn over the names of people who are not cooperating with the cartel.
[00:44:18] So they too can be killed.
[00:44:20] It's great.
[00:44:20] Great.
[00:44:21] It sounds like fun.
[00:44:22] It is a lot of fun.
[00:44:23] I love designing things.
[00:44:25] That's really great.
[00:44:26] And, um, do you have that sort of classical Lego figurine where you can sort of like open up his backside and hide some fentanyl up his butt?
[00:44:32] Yeah.
[00:44:34] Okay.
[00:44:35] Like little cocaine balloons that go right, pop right in there.
[00:44:38] That's great.
[00:44:40] Sneak them, sneak them right through.
[00:44:41] Well, that's great.
[00:44:42] Well, good luck with that, Brian.
[00:44:43] I think that I've, you know, I think you're going to make a killing on that.
[00:44:47] Immigrant Legos.
[00:44:48] Immigrant Legos.
[00:44:49] Well, speaking of immigrants, uh, I don't know if this guy is one, but you know, uh, you have something called the George Takei grill.
[00:44:55] You get George Takei from Star Trek.
[00:44:57] Yes.
[00:44:58] Is this like a take on the George Foreman grill?
[00:45:01] And yes, it is.
[00:45:01] I saw how much money George Foreman made with his grill, which is just a piece of metal that heats up.
[00:45:08] That's right.
[00:45:09] And I'm like, oh, I want one of those.
[00:45:11] And I'm like, you know, obviously George Foreman is taken.
[00:45:14] Yeah, he is.
[00:45:15] But I liked the name George.
[00:45:17] Yes.
[00:45:18] And so I was looking around for celebrities that I could use.
[00:45:20] And there was, there was George Costanza, but he's, he's not a real celebrity.
[00:45:24] He's actually a character from Seinfeld.
[00:45:28] Yeah, that's right.
[00:45:29] And then there was boy George.
[00:45:32] George, but he's not, you know, he's not as popular as he was back in the day.
[00:45:37] Sure.
[00:45:38] Hey, day of culture club.
[00:45:39] Yep.
[00:45:40] And then there was George Harrison.
[00:45:43] Yep.
[00:45:44] But his people never got back to me.
[00:45:46] That's that's weird.
[00:45:48] But then I remember there was a guy on Star Trek.
[00:45:50] That's right.
[00:45:51] Well, now you also went to a couple other Georges, right?
[00:45:54] You, you tried to contact the family of George Floyd.
[00:45:57] Uh, yeah.
[00:45:58] I, the George Floyd grill.
[00:45:59] Mm hmm.
[00:46:00] The family of George Floyd was not receptive to the George Floyd grill.
[00:46:05] Oh, geez.
[00:46:06] Why not?
[00:46:07] They, in their words, they said, it seemed like it was demeaning.
[00:46:11] And it was demeaning to the memory of their, their lost relative.
[00:46:16] Hmm.
[00:46:17] Why, why, why is that?
[00:46:19] Because it worked.
[00:46:27] It's the worst thing you've ever said.
[00:46:43] Okay.
[00:46:44] Yeah.
[00:46:45] Yeah.
[00:46:46] Well, yeah.
[00:46:46] I mean, you can't, you can't mess with a grieving family.
[00:46:49] No, they just wanted nothing to do with it.
[00:46:52] That's, that's really weird because I, you know.
[00:46:56] Okay.
[00:46:56] And then, and I know you reached out also back when he was still alive, because you've had
[00:47:00] this idea for a while, because that obviously the George Foreman grill has been around for
[00:47:03] a while, but, um, uh, you all reached out to George Michael.
[00:47:06] Yes.
[00:47:07] Uh, you know, what happened with that?
[00:47:08] Well, I mean, I had the whole presentation.
[00:47:10] I went to the George Michael people and I said, here's my, here's, here's the George
[00:47:15] Michael grill.
[00:47:16] And you just do wham ham.
[00:47:20] Thank you, ma'am.
[00:47:24] That's really good.
[00:47:26] Yeah.
[00:47:26] And they, you know, they kind of looked at me and they said, you have not heard.
[00:47:32] I mean, I said, I, yeah, I know he was wandering around the woods, uh, you know, doing guys
[00:47:36] or something really weird like that.
[00:47:38] I'm like, no, no, no.
[00:47:39] He's, he's passed away.
[00:47:41] Oh gosh.
[00:47:42] And I said to where?
[00:47:43] And they're like, no, he's gone.
[00:47:44] He's, he's dead.
[00:47:45] And I was like, oh, what about the other guy?
[00:47:49] Andrew Ridgely.
[00:47:50] Yeah.
[00:47:51] Yeah.
[00:47:51] And they're like, uh, I was like, any chance that the other guy's name is George?
[00:47:59] And they're like, no, no, it's Andrew.
[00:48:01] Uh huh.
[00:48:02] And I was like, well, that doesn't work.
[00:48:03] Cause it has to be a George somebody grill.
[00:48:05] But I said, thank you for your time.
[00:48:07] Right.
[00:48:08] Wham ham.
[00:48:09] Thank you, ma'am.
[00:48:10] Man.
[00:48:11] The George Michael grill.
[00:48:12] That would have been great.
[00:48:14] Yep.
[00:48:14] Okay.
[00:48:15] And then, so you landed on, that's a long way to get to, you landed on the George Takei grill.
[00:48:19] What?
[00:48:19] Yes.
[00:48:19] Tell us, uh, tell us what the features are of this and, and how that whole process has gone, you know, working with George.
[00:48:26] Yeah.
[00:48:26] Nice enough guy.
[00:48:28] Uh, was always trying to get me liquored up.
[00:48:30] Right.
[00:48:31] Friendly.
[00:48:32] Um, but so the grill, you know, it kind of takes the best of George Takei's character.
[00:48:37] Mm-hmm .
[00:48:38] It's a corporate the grill.
[00:48:39] So it has a voice chip.
[00:48:41] Okay.
[00:48:42] And so what it, it kind of makes little comments about your food.
[00:48:48] Oh, that's interesting.
[00:48:50] So if you're, if you're grilling a hot dog, you're like, mm, I like that hot dog.
[00:48:55] As you grill it.
[00:48:57] Wait a minute.
[00:48:59] It just makes weird.
[00:49:01] Kind of makes weird, creepy comments about your food.
[00:49:06] That's weird.
[00:49:07] But it seems to be very honed in on, uh, George Takei's sexuality.
[00:49:12] Well, it is.
[00:49:13] That's why the grill's pink.
[00:49:16] It's a neon pink.
[00:49:17] It just depends what you're cooking.
[00:49:19] It's like, mm, it's a greasy runoff.
[00:49:22] Mm.
[00:49:26] Well, like, okay.
[00:49:27] So what if you wanted to grill like a, let's say a pork chop?
[00:49:30] Yeah.
[00:49:31] It's like, it'll say like, mm, you like pork.
[00:49:34] Mm.
[00:49:35] You like to pork?
[00:49:39] I can think of things that I would like to pork.
[00:49:43] Like what does it then does the grill then go on to say what it would like to pork?
[00:49:47] Yeah.
[00:49:48] Your bum.
[00:49:50] It's a voice chip.
[00:49:52] That's it's I'm going to say it's a strange one.
[00:49:55] Not sure if it's going to be successful, but you know, sometimes the, the name factor alone can at least get you a good initial sale round.
[00:50:02] You know, I think there's a, there's a, you know, Trekkies, especially gay Trekkies who like older Asian men making sexual comments all the time.
[00:50:10] Mm.
[00:50:10] I would appeal to them.
[00:50:12] You know, for that demo, I think you would do well.
[00:50:15] And also illegal immigrants who don't know who he is.
[00:50:22] Yeah.
[00:50:23] That's a, yeah, that's not sure.
[00:50:25] That's who you want to target.
[00:50:26] Necessarily.
[00:50:28] I'm, you know, I'm just trying to unload these grills.
[00:50:30] I had a ton of them made.
[00:50:32] What was your initial by?
[00:50:34] 50,000.
[00:50:36] That's right.
[00:50:36] And how many of you moved?
[00:50:38] It's in the low teens.
[00:50:41] How low?
[00:50:43] 10.
[00:50:44] Okay.
[00:50:45] So that's not quite, that's not quite the teens.
[00:50:47] It's, you know, it's two digits, but it's just, it's just made it.
[00:50:51] Mm.
[00:50:52] Who, who, just out of curiosity, who were the, how did you sell those 10?
[00:50:56] Well, it was part of a raffle.
[00:51:00] They weren't technically sold.
[00:51:05] What the raffle was part of what, or what event or organization?
[00:51:09] Uh, well, it was a fundraiser for a Klansman who killed himself.
[00:51:17] I don't know why you would support that.
[00:51:20] Well, I just see, we wanted to cross the bridge.
[00:51:22] You know, we wanted to show that your unity.
[00:51:25] So I thought, well, this Asian gay guy could, could be part of that.
[00:51:30] The healing process.
[00:51:32] Walk over his rainbow bridge to connect to this guy.
[00:51:35] Which is sagging because the guy hung himself from it.
[00:51:39] Mm.
[00:51:40] Mm.
[00:51:42] Okay.
[00:51:43] All right.
[00:51:43] Well, you know, 10, 10 units is 10 units.
[00:51:46] Uh, you know, I get another question for you about one of your inventions, Brian.
[00:51:50] Um, and that would be the tuggy.
[00:51:53] The tuggy.
[00:51:54] Yeah.
[00:51:55] Yeah.
[00:51:55] T U G G I E.
[00:51:56] The tuggy.
[00:51:56] What, what's, what is the tuggy?
[00:51:58] I'm not even sure.
[00:52:00] It's an interactive toy for your dog.
[00:52:02] Oh, that's cool.
[00:52:04] So it's a little Peruvian man named Manuel.
[00:52:11] And he comes with a four foot rope.
[00:52:15] And he will play with your dog.
[00:52:23] Okay.
[00:52:25] Because dogs love tug of war.
[00:52:29] And you know, he's just the right size where he can put up a fair enough fight, but he still
[00:52:34] can get thrown around the room.
[00:52:35] Uh huh.
[00:52:36] Which a dog loves.
[00:52:38] Yeah.
[00:52:42] Okay.
[00:52:43] And so.
[00:52:45] Honestly, Manuel, you know, has nothing else to do while he's waiting for his asylum application
[00:52:49] to be processed.
[00:52:53] So he's just playing with dogs.
[00:52:56] And so does, does Manuel get packaged and sent to people's homes?
[00:53:00] I mean, how does that, if, if someone were to go on and buy a tuggy right now, what's
[00:53:05] the process, what would the next, uh, one to 48 hours look like in their lives?
[00:53:10] Uh, well, a box arrives.
[00:53:12] Um, it's fairly Manuel sized.
[00:53:17] Uh, and it just says, please open quickly.
[00:53:19] Manuel's claustrophobic.
[00:53:23] That seems cruel.
[00:53:24] Just like get him an Uber.
[00:53:26] Packaging is very important to me.
[00:53:27] Okay.
[00:53:28] And so basically, you know, once he senses somebody is opening the package, he will assist
[00:53:33] from the inside.
[00:53:34] Uh huh.
[00:53:35] Uh, and then he will come bursting out.
[00:53:37] There's all sorts of styrofoam that he's been packed in.
[00:53:40] Mm hmm.
[00:53:40] And this one is actually, uh, this styrofoam is actually made from corn starch.
[00:53:46] And so it's biodegradable, but the point was, it's also edible.
[00:53:50] Yes.
[00:53:50] Cause he gets so hungry in there.
[00:53:52] I bet.
[00:53:53] Depending on where he's being shipped.
[00:53:54] Yeah.
[00:53:56] So he can, you know, eat, eat some of the packaging if necessary.
[00:54:00] So what is the inside of the box look like once Manuel has been removed and sort of like
[00:54:05] burst out?
[00:54:07] Well, I mean, Manuel obviously has to, has bodily functions and things.
[00:54:12] So, you know, it's, we, we recommend throwing the box out immediately and it says on the outside,
[00:54:17] don't recycle, just destroy.
[00:54:23] What are the, um, destruction instructions?
[00:54:27] Uh, it says just leave it on the curbside.
[00:54:29] Mm hmm.
[00:54:31] What Manuel or the box?
[00:54:32] The box.
[00:54:33] Okay.
[00:54:34] Manuel will actually take it to the curbside for you.
[00:54:38] Okay.
[00:54:39] So it's just, it's basically a box of, um, edible styrofoam, uh, Peruvian man feces and, uh, you know, uh, instructions and spare parts.
[00:54:49] Yeah.
[00:54:50] All right.
[00:54:50] I guess so.
[00:54:50] So he pops out and then, uh, he comes, like you said, with a four foot, uh, uh, piece of rope and then immediately starts playing tug of war with your dog.
[00:54:59] Yeah.
[00:55:00] Dog loves it.
[00:55:02] They get, you know, he gets pulled all around the place.
[00:55:05] He'll dig in every once in a while.
[00:55:06] He prefers to be on carpet than hardwood floors, or he just loses traction and goes sliding.
[00:55:11] Right.
[00:55:12] You know, short proving guy being dragged all over your house.
[00:55:16] But if he gets himself on the carpet, then he digs in.
[00:55:20] Right.
[00:55:21] Seems like quite a gift for a dog.
[00:55:23] Yeah.
[00:55:23] My dog loves it.
[00:55:25] He's gone through three.
[00:55:27] He's gone through three pieces of rope or three Manuel's.
[00:55:30] Three Manuel's.
[00:55:33] What happened to those three?
[00:55:35] A lot of hard corners in the house.
[00:55:41] Aw.
[00:55:42] Well, that's just sad.
[00:55:44] Yeah.
[00:55:44] That's such a sad one to sort of think about the three Manuel's we've lost.
[00:55:48] Let me just ask you one final one.
[00:55:50] Mm hmm.
[00:55:51] Um, and that is just something called, um, the sausage factory.
[00:55:55] Yes.
[00:55:56] What is the sausage factory invention?
[00:55:58] Well, originally that was meant for George Takei.
[00:56:06] Sorry.
[00:56:07] I'm sorry.
[00:56:08] It's okay.
[00:56:10] Jack.
[00:56:11] Brian.
[00:56:12] I sent you a new story that needs a person to read it.
[00:56:17] Okay.
[00:56:18] I'm a person.
[00:56:18] You're a person and you could be reading this if you do a good job and audition this professionally.
[00:56:26] Okay.
[00:56:27] I know I have not done a great job in the first two and I apologize for that.
[00:56:30] This is called a Lyra.
[00:56:31] The Ranger.
[00:56:33] Okay.
[00:56:34] Female protagonist.
[00:56:36] It's a sci-fi fantasy novel.
[00:56:38] Okay, great.
[00:56:39] Alina, the Ranger.
[00:56:42] Female protagonist and sci-fi.
[00:56:44] Very.
[00:56:45] And if you need it, there's a chance you could get hired to read the whole book and get paid.
[00:56:50] Payday Jack.
[00:56:52] Yeah.
[00:56:52] I mean, it's, I assume there's, they're probably going to turn that into some sort of TV show
[00:56:55] or movie and then the money was really going to flow in.
[00:56:58] Would hope so.
[00:56:59] Okay.
[00:56:59] I've just received it.
[00:57:01] And, uh, as with the others, I have never read this before in my life.
[00:57:04] Take her away.
[00:57:05] We get that job.
[00:57:06] Okay.
[00:57:07] Alira, the Ranger.
[00:57:08] Alira, the Ranger.
[00:57:10] The moon hung high above the darkened forest, casting a pale silver glow over the ancient
[00:57:16] trees.
[00:57:17] Deep within the heart of the woodland, where even the bravest of hunters dared not tread,
[00:57:22] a figure moved silently through the underbrush.
[00:57:25] A hooded cloak, the color of midnight, billowed softly behind her as she stepped lightly on the
[00:57:31] moss covered ground.
[00:57:33] Her eyes scanned the shadows, ever watchful for what lurked just beyond sight.
[00:57:39] Alira was a ranger bound to the woods by blood and oath sworn to protect it from evil.
[00:57:44] She knew evil.
[00:57:46] She knew evil.
[00:57:46] Well, having just crossed paths with the wizard anger burn.
[00:57:51] They had battled.
[00:57:52] He was strong and fearless.
[00:57:53] And by using an ancient incantation, lightning shot from his fingertips.
[00:57:57] It traveled nearly 20 meters before striking her, burning her skin and giving her a yeast infection.
[00:58:04] That would make an ogre weep.
[00:58:07] She knelt at the edge of a small clearing and inched her crotch.
[00:58:11] Come on.
[00:58:14] Should she cross paths with anger burn again?
[00:58:16] She was determined to slay him.
[00:58:18] She was so itchy, so incredibly itchy.
[00:58:22] She had been told that humping a hobbit would cure her of the ailment, but it turned out that was a lie from a horny hobbit.
[00:58:29] Hobbits are not to be trusted.
[00:58:31] They are short and hairy.
[00:58:33] She should probably have killed the horny hobbit for lying, but she's not evil.
[00:58:37] Just itchy.
[00:58:38] She turned and headed toward the village of Rogaria in the hopes that she could find someone else selling a potion of pootie relief.
[00:58:47] So itchy.
[00:58:51] Pootie relief.
[00:58:53] I didn't write it.
[00:58:55] That's what.
[00:58:57] A lira, the ranger, a strong female protagonist in the sci fi world is, is that's that's her thing.
[00:59:05] I mean, I guess it's better than a fireball or magic missile.
[00:59:13] Yeah, that's pretty.
[00:59:14] That's an evil magician.
[00:59:16] It really is.
[00:59:17] Hey, the anger burn is anger.
[00:59:19] That's jerky.
[00:59:21] Well, you know, maybe next week, Brian.
[00:59:26] That was questionable material with Jack and Brian.
[00:59:30] Subscribe on any podcast platform.
[00:59:32] Visit us at qmpodcast.com.