Audition: The Albert R. Broccoli story. Waking up with the Helmuths. Tracing Jack's family's COVID origins. Audition: White House Memoir. A Very Unnecessary Rabbit Testing Facility. Audition: a serial killer's autobiography. Sponsored by Silent Partners. qmpodcast.com
[00:00:00] Jack Brian? You know, audiobooks are a thing. I know they're a thing. I've read about them. They need
[00:00:06] people to read audiobooks. You knew that. I mean, I would guess that's how they work.
[00:00:11] I've written or I've voiced audiobooks in the past. Sure, but not for books you've written.
[00:00:16] No, for other people's books. Yeah. Which is true. It's true. You voice other people's books,
[00:00:22] they pay for it. It's nice. And I thought it'd be a good way to get the podcast some money.
[00:00:27] If we got you into the audiobook business, so I have a friend at HarperCollins and they said,
[00:00:35] hey, just have Jack just do an audiobook audition. That sounds great. I'd be really excited to
[00:00:41] wait a name drop that you have a friend at HarperCollins like we get. Yeah, well, they published my
[00:00:45] first book, Jack. This whole audiobook business could be a lot of money for you or for us for the
[00:00:51] podcast in general. I want to help. Not everything can be paid for by the generosity of
[00:00:57] silent partners. Silent partners. Formerly copy plus. So Jack, I'm going to send you a script that
[00:01:02] HarperCollins asked me to have you read. It's a book that's coming out. It's about the life of
[00:01:10] Albert R. Broccoli. Do you know who he is? The James Bond producer. That's right. The guy behind
[00:01:17] all the James bonds. Yeah. So this is the biography of Albert Broccoli and it's called Broccoli.
[00:01:24] Albert Broccoli. That's the title of the book. And everyone under 60 has just stopped listening.
[00:01:30] Enjoy Conan O'Brien's podcast, everybody. So Jacks, what they said, they said just start reading
[00:01:37] this chapter that they sent and they're going to evaluate you. Now, of course, you have to be
[00:01:41] professional. You can't lose character in the middle of a read for an audiobook. So just read it,
[00:01:47] do it your best. Not a problem for me. I just got this. I've never read this before. Let me just take
[00:01:52] a quick look. Don't take a quick look. They're asking me for it now. So let's just get it to them.
[00:01:57] Okay. All right, time's of the essence. Here we go. I'm ready. Come in. Yes. Take it away.
[00:02:01] Audio book audition, Jack, and three two one. To this day, Broccoli is credited with creating some
[00:02:09] of the most iconic characters in cinematic history, owing to his knack for choosing names that were
[00:02:14] both memorable and provocative. This theme would continue throughout all subsequent bond films.
[00:02:20] For Goldfinger, Broccoli needed a name that would capture attention and leave a lasting impression
[00:02:25] on audiences. Drawing inspiration from the heirs pension for cheeky double entendres and playful
[00:02:31] in you endo, Broccoli landed on the name Pussy Glor which perfectly encapsulated the characters
[00:02:37] bold and seductive nature. Broccoli's co-producer Harry Saltzman, a Jew I guess, recall that his colleague
[00:02:47] only arrived at the name Pussy Glor after an incredibly grueling process of creation and reflection
[00:02:52] that took months. Some of the names that made the shortlist but would ultimately never see the
[00:02:57] silver screen included Kathy Karesa, Madame Exatica, Ivana Humpalot, Barbara P.P. Touch,
[00:03:07] and Sarah Jessica Porker. Broccoli's tireless dedication to finding the perfect name cemented
[00:03:15] his reputation as a master of cinematic flair. Broccoli, humble as he was, always claimed that the
[00:03:22] inspiration truly came from his childhood friend Winston vagina lover at the third.
[00:03:30] Upon Broccoli's death, his entire collection of brainstormed names were printed out on 48 sheets
[00:03:36] of paper. The list containing every beloved name from Marco Ariala Boobies to Amanda
[00:03:44] Zipper opener was then folded up and sewn into his abdomen so that he could show St. Peter,
[00:03:50] his hard work in the event he wasn't on the list to get into heaven to chill with Jesus.
[00:04:00] It feels like the whole book. It feels like that was from like his creative peak to his death.
[00:04:05] It feels like a very short book. It is a, it's a, you know, they have novellas which are like
[00:04:10] short novels. This is a biogrella. Okay. Okay. I said another. I was so in the moment.
[00:04:19] Did I get it? No, because you weren't totally professional. You just kind of, you laughed a little bit.
[00:04:25] Well, like Barbara P.P. Touch and Sarah Jessica Porker, like, are kind of difficult names to say.
[00:04:31] No, I can understand that but they're looking for a professional read. They want someone who can
[00:04:34] just stroll into a studio, pick up a book whether it's 280 pages like right book published by Harper
[00:04:41] Collins or you know, a 30 page biogrella and you just need to be able to get in the studio standing
[00:04:47] front of that microphone and just read away. You know, we'll get another chance. All right. I hope
[00:04:51] so. Sorry, Brian. It's okay. I forgive you. Let's start the podcast. The I'm this down note.
[00:04:56] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast
[00:05:07] produced in New York by Jack Helmer and Brian Sack.
[00:05:12] Fem podcast.com
[00:05:18] By the way, Brian, yes on that bill we just did. I believe you've on a hump a lot. Isn't that
[00:05:27] the name of the in Austin powers? Wasn't that one of the villains that they spoofed?
[00:05:34] Yeah, I don't know. I you know, I actually think you chose. I thought it was a lot of
[00:05:38] a China. You've on a lot of quotes. Well, they did three of them. Yep.
[00:05:50] She says to him at one point, do you know how we keep warm in Russia? Austin says I can guess,
[00:05:56] baby. Avanna says we play chess. Austin says I guess strong.
[00:06:04] That's really funny. Avanna Huffleat was a character in Austin powers dude. No kidding. All right,
[00:06:10] well, good to know. Good to know. That's cool. How are you doing, Brian?
[00:06:14] Good Jack. How are you doing? You know what? I'm better now. I was not great
[00:06:20] over the last five days when I and my entire family, wife to children, the one who can inherit
[00:06:29] my land boy and the other one, the girl the throw away. And then the the organ farm, the new baby.
[00:06:35] All five of us got COVID. Really? All five of us, including the four and a half month old baby
[00:06:43] had COVID. It was not fun. Now, you know, that might scare some people, but if you actually read
[00:06:48] statistics, you'd know your baby was not in danger. Yes. I mean, you just you just feel sad for her
[00:06:54] little difficulty breathing and yeah, no, that's something that you've got an entertaining aspect to
[00:07:01] it for sure. But yeah, you're not worried if you read statistics that your cousin has 18 and
[00:07:06] under their fine. It's the big fat old people who died. Look at what define old because I know I
[00:07:12] cover half of that demographic. Yeah, it's somewhere up there. It's in the 60s. Okay. All right,
[00:07:18] good. Getting there. Yeah, we are. So how'd you get COVID? What's the ground zero? What's your
[00:07:24] Wuhan story? Well, you know what? That is what I wanted to ask you because I know you go through
[00:07:31] the stage. You're creating a reality show based on on the helmet families. That right? Keeping up
[00:07:36] with the helmets. Keeping up with the helmets, that's what it's called. It's called waking up
[00:07:41] with the helmets because keeping up was taken. Okay, waking up with helmet. What sort of before
[00:07:47] we sort of get into it? Like what sort of is your vision for a show based on my family?
[00:07:54] Well, I wanted to capture what goes on an entire day when you wake up with the helmets. So every
[00:08:00] episode starts with me bursting through the bedroom door with an earhorn. And I blast the earhorn
[00:08:08] and it's like, wakey, wakey time to go. Let's get this day rolling. Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
[00:08:13] You know, and I have, I'll use funny props like a rolling pin and I'll just like prod you or whack you
[00:08:19] with it depending on my mood and just kind of motivate you to get you up and running to see how your
[00:08:23] day goes. That's so cool. You know, because I'm not there for it because the kids get up earlier for
[00:08:28] school. What were the cause? I've stupid me bad parenting. I forgot to tell the kids about this
[00:08:35] that we were that I'd sign on to do the show. So what was it like sort of that first time you came
[00:08:40] into my kids room? How did you wake them up with the camera crew and all that stuff? And how did it go?
[00:08:45] Well, I woke up. I came first thing in the morning like six o'clock. I think you were on a business trip.
[00:08:50] Yeah, I was in California. So yeah, you're in California. So I came bursting into the kids room
[00:08:56] into the Eden's room, daughter's room. I just come bursting away, blow the air horn. She screamed
[00:09:02] like girl's scream, you know, when older men come bursting into their room screaming. I know that's
[00:09:08] out. I know that's out. Yeah. And yeah, so she's shrieked and then she looked at me. She said,
[00:09:12] what are you doing? Godfather? Yeah. Yeah. And then I looked at her and I said, let's get this day
[00:09:18] going. And so I just I hurry, I stood there and as I get dressed, let's do this. Let's do this.
[00:09:23] Get dressed. Get dressed and I don't know what you taught her, but she made me leave the room.
[00:09:28] Yeah. Well, she gets dressed. So I left the room. I stood outside. It's really boring footage.
[00:09:33] It's just me waiting outside the room. She takes a long time to get dressed. Yeah, it's bad TV.
[00:09:38] I'm sorry about that. Yeah. So it's like eight to 12 minutes of me just kind of
[00:09:42] loitering upstairs, you're wandering around the bedroom waiting for her to get dressed. And then she
[00:09:47] comes out and I was like, okay, we're going to get this day going. I got to get you to school.
[00:09:52] And just interrupt real quick. I do want to sincerely apologize for that because I know you
[00:09:58] had sort of hope to sort of get that, you know, Jarrod's or Subway, Matt Gaetz type of crowd who
[00:10:03] might like to see my daughter get dressed. So I do apologize to sort of cut off your potential audience.
[00:10:09] There is an audience out there of minor attracted people who like to see kids getting dressed.
[00:10:15] And you know, I was hoping to I want to paint a bride brush. I don't want to just I
[00:10:21] don't have a niche audience. I want to reach out to everybody. That's awesome. I totally understand
[00:10:25] that and respect it. So anyway, please continue. So as a result of me as a result of me standing
[00:10:31] outside the hallway, I have a huge following now of conservative Christians. So they like that.
[00:10:37] That was that that was a plus for them. Oh cool. Okay. Great. Yeah. Whatever we can do to help.
[00:10:41] So okay. So hopefully the show will get picked up on the blaze.
[00:10:46] Is that a gay rights network? I was, but then it was purchased.
[00:10:52] It was a firefighters union and then they sold it to this guy out of Texas.
[00:10:58] The chimney guy who likes to do fireplaces. Yeah, he was a chimney sweep in Texas. And of course
[00:11:04] you don't have a lot of fireplaces there. That's right. Doesn't get called doesn't get below 80
[00:11:08] degrees in Texas. That's what I read on Wikipedia. That's right. Never. Not once.
[00:11:12] And so they sold that business to a gentleman from, I think Utah.
[00:11:18] Well, what was that fellow's name? Mitt Romney.
[00:11:24] Yeah, but I think he's got a holding company that just buys everything.
[00:11:27] He bought it and then he didn't need it and he threw it into some kind of Mormon swap meat.
[00:11:31] And this new just came and picked it up.
[00:11:36] Oh, that's how Glenn got it. Yep. Okay. I'm good for Glenn Beck.
[00:11:40] Like two months after naming the network GBTVs. Like no, you know what?
[00:11:44] I got in the Barton Mormon bargain bin. I have this blaze thing. I can use that.
[00:11:50] And so he grabbed that and voila as they say in France. That's, that's,
[00:11:56] that's really smart. It just shows what a great businessman Glenn Beck is. That's correct.
[00:12:02] So, okay. So my daughter finally comes out of her room. Yep. She sure did.
[00:12:08] And it's time to wake up my son. Yes. Now I remember him telling me because he was crying that night
[00:12:14] when he called me when I was at my convention. You woke him up in a really unique sort of,
[00:12:18] you wanted it to be memorable good TV but also memorable for the boy. How did you wake him up?
[00:12:24] Well, I put on a ski mask and then I burst into the room. And instead of the airhorn,
[00:12:30] I was holding your daughter and I said, watch me do it. Watch me kill her.
[00:12:36] And he's shrieked like a little boy. What if he saw his sister in danger?
[00:12:41] I've heard that sound so many times. And the kid he loves it. He said,
[00:12:44] please don't hurt my sister. Please don't hurt my sister. I know. Now as I kept saying,
[00:12:49] I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And I did crazy eyes because that's the only thing
[00:12:52] you can see through my ski mask. Yeah. He just saw crazy eyes. And that's it. I'm going to do it.
[00:12:58] I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And he burst into tears. Oh.
[00:13:04] And he's like, oh my god. I'm going to have anxiety issues. I'm going to need to take pharmaceuticals
[00:13:08] for the rest of my life. Yep. He's really like he's right. He knows what's coming. Yeah, he does.
[00:13:13] He's he's all right. You're going to trigger. You're going to trigger. I'm going to have ADHD
[00:13:18] and bipolar disorder and anxiety. I need pills, pills, pills.
[00:13:23] Well, they have pill hour at school and it's every hour. So it's really exciting. The kids all
[00:13:27] come around the water fountain. It's aligned about a mile long. It's like the opening of a
[00:13:31] Star Wars movie. So I you know, I exactly. It's a lot of kids do a lot of drugs. I'm seeing.
[00:13:37] Yeah. A lot of a lot of pharmaceuticals in the kids these days. That's great. Maybe that's
[00:13:42] why social media is so weird. So anyway, he's screaming and yelling. Yeah.
[00:13:48] Please don't hurt my sister. Please don't hurt my sister. So I'm like, okay, he's freaking out.
[00:13:52] So I take off my ski mask and he screams bloody murder.
[00:14:00] Why? Because I had put on a Freddy Krueger mask when I was talking to your daughter in the hallway.
[00:14:09] Okay. And I forgot to take it off before I put on my ski mask. So I take off my ski mask.
[00:14:15] Now your son sees Freddy Krueger there. And he's convinced I'm going to kill his sister.
[00:14:19] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's he's bursting in the tears saying, just please, please, please,
[00:14:23] he's just crying, crying, crying. And then I realize I'm like, oh my God, I've got the the Freddy
[00:14:29] Krueger mask on. Great. So you took that off and everything was fine? No. He
[00:14:34] that he whipped off that mask and he's freezes and he looks at me and he seems starstruck.
[00:14:41] Why? Because I was wearing a Freddy Mercury mask.
[00:14:48] So here he thinks that I came back from the dead and I'm the lead singer of Queen.
[00:14:56] It's every kid's nightmare is to see like a zombie Freddy Mercury coming into their bedroom.
[00:15:02] So now he's like, he's starstruck. He's terrified. Am I dead? Am I going to give him AIDS? He
[00:15:06] doesn't know what's going on here. Why does Freddy Mercury want to kill my sister?
[00:15:11] So confusing. He liked the music to begin with and now he's kind of scared of the music because it
[00:15:15] reminds him of this terrible moment. Yeah. When he thought Freddy Mercury was trying to kill his sister.
[00:15:20] Oh man. And so you took the mask off? Yes. Thank God that everything was okay. And
[00:15:26] everything was fine at that point. You would have thought. What? What happened?
[00:15:32] Well, I had been doing a sketch by myself about Justin Trudeau the premiere of Canada.
[00:15:40] Yeah. So I put on blackface because I was reenacting something the Prime Minister of Canada did many
[00:15:46] years ago. Right. So now he thinks Freddy Mercury is now ripping off his face and becoming this
[00:15:54] black guy. Right. And then he's starstruck because now he thinks that I'm the star of the 80s movie
[00:16:04] Soul Man, the premise of which was a guy takes tanning pills that turned him black. That's right.
[00:16:13] The movie has aged really well and your son is now sitting there thinking that the star of
[00:16:20] soul man, which I would look up on YouTube in a heartbeat is threatening to kill his sister.
[00:16:27] He doesn't know what to do. He's he doesn't know if he should be offended because what is this guy
[00:16:32] doing? Yeah. And then I realize what I've done and so I run out. I drop his sister on the floor
[00:16:37] and I run out and I go into the bathroom and I clean up and I use some of your wise hair product
[00:16:45] in my hair. And really I don't know what she uses. It's very strong. It was summer's eve.
[00:16:50] Oh, that's something else. That's yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There are bottles of that all over the bathroom.
[00:16:56] So I'll put that in my hair. Yeah. Shoot.
[00:16:58] I come running into the kids room. Your son's room. Your daughter's on the floor. She's kind of crying.
[00:17:04] Still. She's she was really like shocked by the whole thing kind of threw her off. She didn't know
[00:17:09] if I was playing or trying to kill her. She didn't know if I was Freddy Krueger or Freddy Mercury
[00:17:13] or racist Prime Minister of Canada. All these things. Yeah, but there's so much confusion in the room
[00:17:19] you could taste it. By the way, this makes for great TV. Yes. The camera crews are all around the place.
[00:17:25] That's great. And so finally your son, he comes to his senses. He gets out of his bed. His bed's
[00:17:31] soaking wet and he steps out of bed. And I say, well, okay, let's get it's it's Brian's here.
[00:17:39] And he kind of half smiles. And I said, let's go. Let's get dressed. Let's go to school. Yeah.
[00:17:46] And I wait. And then he's like no, you need to leave the room. So I don't you taught these kids
[00:17:53] to not let strangers watch them get dressed. And I guess that's commendable. I mean,
[00:17:57] it just depends on the audience. Look, that's their mother. Okay, I don't want to talk about it.
[00:18:02] She leaves. So I stepped outside another 12 minutes of me, you know,
[00:18:07] loitering in the hallway, listening to your kid get dressed. The other ones whimpering. I don't
[00:18:11] know what's going on. It's to me. It's boring TV. But we can make it. We're going to do some stuff
[00:18:15] with editing. Oh, that what sort of stuff are you going to do to make that interesting? And
[00:18:18] the edit you could what you intercut stuff. Okay. So you might have me walking up and down
[00:18:24] the hallway just bored waiting for your kids to come out of the damn room. But if we cut in like a lion
[00:18:30] chasing a jaguar, that's something. Like a footage. Not very helmet. No, it's not part of the
[00:18:41] helmet house. So it'll say that at the bottom. It'll say there'll be a sub this is not part of
[00:18:46] the helmet house. I'll do not try this at home. Okay, good. Just because some people might see
[00:18:51] the lion chasing a jaguar and be like, I want to do that. Yeah, I would hope not. Yeah, but lawyers
[00:18:57] have made it. So we have to put the thing at the bottom saying, just don't do this. Right.
[00:19:02] Don't go get a lion or a jaguar. Okay.
[00:19:08] We'll spice it up. Maybe some shots of like tie fighters.
[00:19:13] You're not going to be able to get that footage. That's really expensive.
[00:19:17] Well, now you just draw your own. Oh, I see. Okay. Animation. Animation, that's the great
[00:19:23] salvation. So in waking up with the helmets, I assume that the show ends at some point in the
[00:19:30] morning, maybe by the time the kids go off to school or at school or something like that. So how
[00:19:34] does that whole episode that first episode end? Well, I mean, I've still got to wake up your wife.
[00:19:41] Okay. Yeah, she can be a little bit. She wakes up easily. It's actually kind of annoying because
[00:19:47] just the little sound. I'm surprised the kid screaming, bloody murder didn't get her up. So
[00:19:53] what was the process of getting her up and going? Well, I get ready. I'm outside her door. I'm ready to
[00:19:59] burst in and start her day with my ear horn and my rolling pin. Yep. And I go to open the door
[00:20:06] and I'm just turning the knob, turning the knob, turning the knob. It's locked. Yep. Yeah.
[00:20:11] Oh, that throws a wrench in my plans. Yep. Then I see I hear I hear stirring. I'm excited.
[00:20:17] And the door slowly turns, opens up. And there she is. Buck naked. Yeah. She's this
[00:20:26] nude sleeper. Buck naked. She's completely naked. And I'm freaking out.
[00:20:32] Because I have not seen her naked like that on videos. It's one thing, but it's to see it live
[00:20:41] in the flesh. Like that really threw me for a loop. It is different. I said, whoop, there it is.
[00:20:47] You can have licensing issues galore, but that's the why is that my top issue with what you just said?
[00:20:56] Okay. What what else happened to you? So of course she's surprised to see me. She says it is Brian
[00:21:02] like what you know in that voice. You know when she's like that angry voice. I know Brian,
[00:21:06] what are you doing here? You mean her voice. And then yeah, her that thing that comes out of
[00:21:12] her mouth. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, well, I didn't expect you to be buck naked.
[00:21:19] And she goes, well, I didn't expect you to be buck naked. Wait. Just darn minute.
[00:21:26] This whole time with these clothes and the way you weren't wearing clothes. No. It's a pilot.
[00:21:35] That's not that explains nothing. That's how you get buzz Jack.
[00:21:39] That's how you loop people into the next episode. I guess so. So okay, so you're both standing there naked.
[00:21:49] And so she like slams the door and screws off and puts on a robe covers up something like that.
[00:21:55] No, she says what are we going to do about this?
[00:22:01] Which put on clothes right? Well no, because now I'm like maybe she's coming on to me.
[00:22:08] I'm like, this could be kind of great. This is kind of exciting, right? For the show.
[00:22:13] This is titillating in general. Be exciting. And then I'm thinking like, but you'd find out
[00:22:18] because there's a camera crew around. Yeah. So the one time in the last 30 years that a girl's come
[00:22:23] on to meet strong and I've got a camera crew to document it. How unlucky. So unlucky.
[00:22:30] So I burst into tears. I went downstairs eight to 10 minutes of me sulking on the sofa.
[00:22:41] It just wasn't fair. Life isn't fair sometimes. It's just not and then she comes downstairs
[00:22:49] and now she's in a bathroom. And she goes, would you like some eggs?
[00:22:55] Mm-hmm. And I said, sure. And she said, okay, I think I've got one or two left.
[00:23:04] Because she's in her 40s, Jack. Yeah, I know.
[00:23:13] I mean, I thought she was talking about breakfast. Yeah, she wasn't. No, no. She wants twins.
[00:23:21] Was this about 13 months ago? Yeah, that's when we started shooting. Yeah. Cool.
[00:23:29] Cool, cool, cool. Can we just stop this bit now? I just cut to commercial or something.
[00:23:40] Oh, I just did the math. Hey, Brian. Yeah, Jack. You know, we never even got into
[00:23:48] how we got into COVID. I was going to hope that you were going to like comb through the footage
[00:23:53] and tell me how I got COVID and how our whole family got COVID. But now it's time for another
[00:23:58] book read, so I don't know what to do. Well, I'm going to send you a book read.
[00:24:05] Well, that's a good solution. And I guess we'll never know. I guess it doesn't matter how we
[00:24:08] got COVID. How did you get COVID? Thinking back about 10 days ago, fairly typical weekend in
[00:24:16] Connecticut. Let me just go through it. We went sledding because there's still some snow on the
[00:24:22] ground. That was in the morning. We went to a little cafe for a little cozy lunch. We went to a
[00:24:29] use bookstore. We went to a wet market and then we came home and played family games. So I don't
[00:24:35] see anything in there that would give you COVID. It's just like, who knows? Well, I'm going to rule
[00:24:42] out the bookstore. Okay, because people who read books are neurotic. That's true. And they wear
[00:24:49] masks because neurotic people wear masks. That's right. And I'm going to rule out the sledding.
[00:24:57] Okay, why? I was thinking sledding because the germs are too slow if you're on a sled.
[00:25:04] That's true. You were on the germs. Okay, that makes it. You're out running the germs when you're
[00:25:08] on a sled. Yeah, it doesn't matter to bargain, sled, disc, cafeteria tray, you're moving fast.
[00:25:16] The germs can't catch you. Oh, so it must have been the family games. It must have been like some
[00:25:23] some SARS or whatever spores in our game of like sorry or clue. Did you play clue? We did play
[00:25:30] clue as a matter of fact. Yeah, I bet you it's Colonel mustard in the study with what?
[00:25:38] With a chopped up pangolin. Oh yeah, yeah, that is kind of covenry. Yep, that's what we figured
[00:25:47] out. Bingo. Great job, us. Thanks, Jack. Thanks, Brian. I love solving mysteries. It's really exciting.
[00:25:57] No, no, I guess that's why all those neurotic nerds love books so much. That's right. There's
[00:26:02] silly nerds. So do we have another book read for me because I'm really like yes to some money
[00:26:07] for this podcast. Yeah, so some friends at random house. Oh, sent me an audiobook excerpt for you
[00:26:17] to read. They're interested in having your take on it, your read. Okay. It's a book called
[00:26:23] nothing to see here. I'm sending it to you now. Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here.
[00:26:28] It's kind of a memoirish type book. Okay, okay. It was going to say it could be any genre and
[00:26:32] a memoir. That's fun. Yeah. Okay. So it should be going through the internet and coming to you
[00:26:38] a immediately post haste. Just got it in short order. I just got it. Okay. And they my friends at
[00:26:46] at random house said just take it away and read it. Okay, here we go. Three, two, nothing to see
[00:26:53] here. One, the old man looked right at me. His eyes revealed an internal struggle. He seemed to
[00:27:00] be asking himself who I was. His mouth moved slightly as if he was preparing to speak. He took a
[00:27:07] breath and looked down for a moment silent gathering his thoughts. He looked up again directly at me.
[00:27:14] There was a spark in his eyes this time. He remembered something about me. He knew I was there
[00:27:20] as a friend. His posture eased a bit. He passed gasped unbeknownst to himself as happens with the
[00:27:26] very elderly. Michael, he said confidently but with an air of uncertainty. Mitchell, sir, I responded.
[00:27:35] Yes, Mitchell. Yes, sorry. No problem, sir. Are you ready? Again, confusion. He had to give it a
[00:27:41] moment. I gestured to the door. He hesitated at first but then began walking toward it. He stopped.
[00:27:48] He turned to look at me again. The door opened. He turned. A woman entered. He looked at her,
[00:27:55] then at me. It was clear he needed an introduction. I didn't want to alarm the woman so I
[00:28:00] re-acquainted the old man with a woman in a subtle way. Good morning, Madame Vice President. I said
[00:28:05] she looked at me and smiled. The morning starts the day. The day begins and then comes later. The
[00:28:11] rest of the day after morning. Then noon. I looked back at the old man. It all came back to him.
[00:28:18] Fuck. I did that. I did that, he said. She ticked all the boxes.
[00:28:26] The president shook his head and passed wind. Keep the borders open, he said we need to lose this thing.
[00:28:36] Damn it. Damn it. Yeah, so close. I knew from like the second sentence that it was Joe Biden.
[00:28:43] Like I knew right away it was Biden. You would have been perfect for this but
[00:28:47] why did you blow it? The borders and the chicken, all the boxes that's the part I didn't.
[00:28:54] Shucks. Sorry. That's all right. Maybe there'll be a third.
[00:29:01] Jack. Yes, Brian. You know this episode is sponsored by somebody.
[00:29:06] Oh, man. Oh, man. Bezos. No, I wish.
[00:29:12] Or his ex-wife. I don't care. Either one of them.
[00:29:15] Hey, her innovation was essential and that's why she got half of his money.
[00:29:22] That's right. She did good. Yeah, she's what an innovator.
[00:29:26] Shoot. She's a philanthropist. Yes. You know what a philanthropist is, Jack?
[00:29:33] A board rich person. Exactly, Jack.
[00:29:37] Usually the boy, a board rich wife becomes a philanthropist. Yes.
[00:29:44] So she gets invited to fancy dinners. That's right. And tell people at the dinners,
[00:29:49] it's sort of virtue signaling for the wealthy. That's right. And then you put your name on
[00:29:54] the building, the Jack Helmuth building. What where would my building be and what would it be for?
[00:30:01] Do you think? I'm thinking, yeah, like a city university.
[00:30:08] I don't think Ivy League. No. Thank you. That's too snooty.
[00:30:14] That's not you. You're more down to earth. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:30:18] Maybe like a community college in a second tier market.
[00:30:25] Debuke community college. DCC Jack. Okay. And then people they get off the train in Debuke
[00:30:34] if they have those things and then someone looks up and just says, oh, there's the Helmuth building.
[00:30:40] And what would be housed inside the Helmuth building at Debuke community college?
[00:30:45] Rabbits. So it's a testing facility? It's a testing facility on rabbits. They test
[00:30:53] unnecessary drugs on them or things that they already know harm rabbits, but they just test it anyway.
[00:31:01] They're just doing it anyway because the director, the director of the Helmuth building is David
[00:31:08] Mengele. I know Dave. Yeah. He's related. Yeah. And he's testing rabbits for everything.
[00:31:18] Do tires hurt rabbits? Yes. They do. What else have they learned?
[00:31:29] That rabbits cannot fall long distances. The top of the Helmuth building is 30 feet.
[00:31:37] With the thought was maybe they bounce a lot so they would potentially bounce to safety.
[00:31:43] They're fuzzy, they're cute. Maybe they bounce. Maybe the fur absorbs the impact, but apparently no.
[00:31:49] Documented in many studies. So how would you describe the sidewalk surrounding the Helmuth building?
[00:31:56] It's damaged. There is a lot of broken concrete, there's blood spatter, there's viscera as we say
[00:32:07] in the Dan Animal's business. You know, they have the cars up on the sidewalk testing and then
[00:32:16] that creates problems, damages, skateboarders have damaged all the railings because they're out.
[00:32:22] You can can a bunny stop a skateboarder?
[00:32:27] Answers no. 12 papers. 12. These were published. Yeah, these are peer reviewed by
[00:32:33] putting gay and friends. How would she know? She's no peer of them. These are people who've
[00:32:41] actually written things. Well, you know, she's on the committee. We don't know why. They invited her.
[00:32:50] They invited her. Okay, whatever. Yeah, what else have we learned just real quickly?
[00:32:56] Just a final thing or two about rabbits? Can a rabbit stop a home invasion?
[00:33:02] Hopefully. Nope.
[00:33:09] If you threaten a police officer with a rabbit, will he back down?
[00:33:15] Okay, what's the answer yet? No. What would the officer do in the studies that have been
[00:33:22] conducted at the Helmuth building? He will pepper you with gunfire from a 9 mm service pistol.
[00:33:30] Okay, but pepper you or pepper the rabbit? Both. It's in the general. If the rabbit is being held
[00:33:37] in front of the center of mass where the officer is trained to shoot, then the rabbit will receive a lot
[00:33:42] of the rod of the gunfire. But of course based on several tests conducted at the Helmuth facility,
[00:33:50] we know that rabbits do not stop bullets. So whoever's behind the rabbit is also subject
[00:33:58] to being peppered with the officers 9 mm gunfire. Okay, God, a lot of learning being done.
[00:34:05] I'm proud to potentially have my name on that building one day just as I'm sure silent partners
[00:34:11] is proud to sponsor a podcast that talks about stuff like this. That's right, Jack. Silent partners.
[00:34:16] You know, they have a website? No, they do and I spent I spent a lot of time on it.
[00:34:23] What did you learn from the website? That it's domain name is silent dot partners.
[00:34:30] So if someone wanted, so if someone had need for the services of silent partners,
[00:34:34] they would go to this website. They go to that website because if they go to silent partners.com,
[00:34:40] I don't know what they're going to get. Although they might be indicted.
[00:34:45] For for what? I know just having weird stuff on their hard drive. Just don't go to silent partners.com,
[00:34:53] Jack. You got to go to silent dot partners Brian. Yeah. I just went to silent partners.com.
[00:35:00] Okay, now you're in trouble. That's we want to get that out of people's brains because that's not
[00:35:05] the domain. That domain will install very damaging files on your computer. Wait, silent dot partners will
[00:35:13] know silent partners.com is the bad one. You want silent dot partners. That's the I didn't even
[00:35:21] know that was a domain. Yeah, I didn't either. When I saw that and I was like, wait, that
[00:35:26] dot partners is a domain and they're like, yeah, what do you know? And I was like, I don't know,
[00:35:30] but I didn't know that really aggressive side. No, they mean they're very aggressive. Silent dot
[00:35:36] partners. Jack is the domain. Okay, but here at silent partners.com, I've noticed I know
[00:35:42] what I can't quit them. It says here last modified 12 seven that's December 7 2004.
[00:35:53] That's the silent partners dot com. Yes, there was a last update nearly 20 years ago.
[00:36:01] It's kind of a shame that they're holding on to it. Yeah, with the jerk on Twitter that has
[00:36:06] Atbrien sack. Oh, that's mean. That hurts. Although I don't really use Twitter. Good board of it.
[00:36:14] Yeah, it hurts. Man, you took away my credentials, Jack. I lost my blue check.
[00:36:18] Oh, that's a shame. Really hurt. Thanks, Elon. But back to silent dot partners. Yeah,
[00:36:26] that's the website. So I'm on this website now as the silent partners dot com website is says
[00:36:31] it's currently uploading files. That'll be fun to see what that is. Silent dot partners and it says
[00:36:36] equipping, enterprising leaders, parentheses and their companies and parentheses
[00:36:43] to navigate what's next and to navigate what's next is bolded.
[00:36:48] And then there are three choices, Brian. And we're going to choose one right now.
[00:36:53] All right. It says what's next in your journey? Option one, I'm starting something new.
[00:36:58] Okay. Number two, I'm selling my company and three, something else.
[00:37:07] I guess something else. Yeah, me too. Okay. I'm clicking something else. Me too.
[00:37:11] Oh, a few more questions. Yeah, full name. Okay. Brian, let me just put in your name here.
[00:37:20] In Jack Helmuth. Brian the sack. Okay. Okay, how do you prefer to be contacted
[00:37:27] to leopathy email here? So I'll go email as well. What is your email address? Okay.
[00:37:34] Jack your QM podcast.com. What's important for us to know about you? I have one eye.
[00:37:50] And one ear. Submit. Thank you for trusting your contact info to us.
[00:37:58] I have a scary thing to do. We promise we're real people on the other side of the internet
[00:38:03] and we will get back to you within one business day of receipt. We look forward to talking soon.
[00:38:10] What did I just sign up for, Jack? We'll have to let people know next week when
[00:38:15] silent partners contacts us or raids us. All right, or uploads things to our hard drive.
[00:38:23] Silent dot partners. That's right, Jack.
[00:38:29] Hey, Brian. Yeah, Jack, there's one more thing I want to talk about before we end this show.
[00:38:33] Good as one more thing I want to say to you before we end this show. What does he want to say to me?
[00:38:38] Whatever you're saying. Oh, well, thank you. That was less confrontational than anticipated.
[00:38:44] So there's a story. You know, I love finding stories. This is a story that was just released.
[00:38:49] It was just published that says the Navy is lowering the bar to enlist yet again.
[00:38:55] I'm fantastic. Amid continued recruiting woes. Yes. The Navy apparently missed its 2023
[00:39:01] recruiting goal by nearly 6,000. Wolf. Yeah. Do you still free lands of the Pentagon?
[00:39:10] I do. Yeah, they call me in every now and then.
[00:39:14] You work in recruiting like you're a recruiter, right? It's one of my things.
[00:39:17] You know, I'm a draw that call me the guy who draws like draws people.
[00:39:23] I'm like Tom Cruise Jack. Sure. Not for movies. I'm a draw.
[00:39:28] Right. But except a super straight draw. That's sort of your main difference.
[00:39:33] Yeah, a super incredibly straight draw. And I'm not Scientologist.
[00:39:38] Right. But otherwise indistinguishable and a little taller than Tom Cruise, a little taller.
[00:39:44] A little bit because you're 5'1", right? I'm 5'1 and 1'8".
[00:39:49] Yeah. So you're at least a foot taller. But aside from that we're very, very similar.
[00:39:55] Otherwise indistinguishable. We were both married to Nicole Kidman.
[00:39:59] That's right at the same time. As simultaneously. How did that go?
[00:40:04] It was exciting and different and sometimes frustrating.
[00:40:13] You know, when she said, okay, I got to get back to my husband and it'd be like, what?
[00:40:18] You know, and then she's like my other husband. Yeah.
[00:40:20] And I'm like, all right, that guy. That is frustrating.
[00:40:24] And she come back and she smells like cheddar.
[00:40:30] Why?
[00:40:32] It's a long story, but Tom Cruise has a cheese penis.
[00:40:42] That's a long story. Well, not too long.
[00:40:47] Okay.
[00:40:50] Okay. Silent. Partners, am I getting that right?
[00:40:55] Yup.
[00:41:02] So anyway.
[00:41:05] Yes.
[00:41:07] The Navy has lowered their recruiting standards again.
[00:41:11] So I just wanted real quick since you freelance with the Pentagon.
[00:41:14] Yeah.
[00:41:15] I was wondering if you could tell us a little bit about how you're recruiting folks.
[00:41:23] Some of the new avenues you're taking to find people to fill sort of the giant chasm
[00:41:31] of recruitment needs for the US Navy.
[00:41:34] Yeah, well, you know, we need bodies on boats as well. That's our motto.
[00:41:40] Body's on boats.
[00:41:42] All right.
[00:41:43] And we got to get people to join.
[00:41:45] Got to get people into the Navy without a Navy.
[00:41:47] We can't project force.
[00:41:50] It's what you'd call a national security risk.
[00:41:53] So they brought you on.
[00:41:54] That makes sense.
[00:41:55] Brought me on and I came up with some straightforward, common sense solutions
[00:42:00] to finding people to join the Navy.
[00:42:03] Great. We need bodies on boats.
[00:42:05] So what can we hear some of those solutions please?
[00:42:09] Yeah, well, one is where there's going to be a lot of advertising in ring dings and ho-hoes.
[00:42:16] Really?
[00:42:18] Yes.
[00:42:18] In them.
[00:42:19] Like what does that mean?
[00:42:22] Well, you know, you've had a ring ding in the past, right?
[00:42:24] Yeah, look at me, of course I have.
[00:42:26] Yeah, so you rip up that you rip open the little package and you take out that ring ding
[00:42:31] and you just bite into it.
[00:42:32] Yep.
[00:42:34] Well, what is that?
[00:42:34] That's a piece of paper.
[00:42:36] You take it out of your mouth and you unroll it.
[00:42:40] And it says, wouldn't you rather be enjoying this on the ocean?
[00:42:45] And then at the bottom it says all the ring dings you can eat if you join the Navy.
[00:42:53] Now you recently bought stock in ring dings.
[00:42:59] I've diversified my portfolio.
[00:43:02] Okay, because it seems like that's a big government nut that's about to come in for ring dings.
[00:43:06] If boats are going to be carrying ring dings,
[00:43:09] like is there going to be like a separate ring ding like fairy attachment?
[00:43:13] They're going to call it, it's going to be called the ring dinghy.
[00:43:20] And it will be loaded with ring dings.
[00:43:24] And as you can imagine Nancy Pelosi just bought a tremendous amount of stock as well also
[00:43:29] in the dinghy company.
[00:43:31] Sure.
[00:43:33] And so this is the thing.
[00:43:34] So as many ring dings as you want, as long as you join the Navy.
[00:43:38] But Brian, isn't that a huge risk to start an international incident?
[00:43:44] I mean, Russian sailors who aren't fed are going to immediately like race to the dinghy.
[00:43:51] The ring dinghy.
[00:43:52] Yeah, well, that's part of my strategy.
[00:43:55] What?
[00:43:56] That's part of my strategy.
[00:43:57] So let's pretend that the Mosqueva wasn't sunk by Ukrainians and it was still floating in the
[00:44:02] flagship of the Russian fleet.
[00:44:04] Sure.
[00:44:05] And then it spots a US Navy battle cruiser, towing a ring dinghy.
[00:44:11] Yeah.
[00:44:12] Just laden with ring dings.
[00:44:15] And then they see that and they're like, oh, I'm hungry.
[00:44:18] Like to eat these things we will intercept.
[00:44:22] And so they come and they come alongside the ring dinghy.
[00:44:28] And then they jump in to the ring ding and they start grabbing all the ring dings and eating them
[00:44:33] and then as they're eating them, oh, something is inside.
[00:44:36] And they take out a piece of paper and in perfect Russian,
[00:44:41] oh, wouldn't you rather be enjoying this on our ship?
[00:44:46] Join the US Navy now.
[00:44:49] No way.
[00:44:50] Free ring dings for you too.
[00:44:53] Holy cow.
[00:44:54] And this is the thing, Jack.
[00:44:55] We're spending billions of dollars in military hardware to Ukraine and stuff.
[00:44:59] It's giving them a republicans.
[00:45:00] They're a big kerfuffle over it.
[00:45:02] They're all so upset.
[00:45:03] But this cost us very little in comparison.
[00:45:05] Yeah.
[00:45:06] And we get a lot of return on investment.
[00:45:08] I'm sorry?
[00:45:10] Well, we're getting a lot of return on investment now because the US Navy,
[00:45:14] we've already seen a tremendous number of Russian sailors join the US Navy.
[00:45:20] And they're super enthusiastic.
[00:45:22] They want to tour all the ships.
[00:45:24] They get excited.
[00:45:25] They want to see like the nuclear power, how it works on the aircraft carriers
[00:45:30] and they're taking notes like crazy.
[00:45:31] They're really enjoying it.
[00:45:33] That sounds like a great field trip for these guys.
[00:45:35] They're very excited about it.
[00:45:36] And they just released the they're going to take down as many notes as they can
[00:45:40] and then they're going to pop on back to Russia and impact their stuff
[00:45:43] and then come back and join our Navy.
[00:45:45] Well, that's great.
[00:45:46] What a surgeon in sailors we're going to have.
[00:45:50] Great job.
[00:45:50] Body's on boats.
[00:45:51] Body's on boats.
[00:45:52] Body's on boats.
[00:45:53] I love this, right?
[00:45:54] Just taking Russians right off the off the motherland.
[00:45:58] That's right, Jack.
[00:45:58] And Pakistanis.
[00:46:00] Oh, that's I didn't know they had much of an Navy.
[00:46:03] They do.
[00:46:03] Oh, good for them.
[00:46:05] They have a Navy.
[00:46:06] What's their Navy like?
[00:46:08] Well, it's pork free.
[00:46:12] So if you wake up and you go down stairs
[00:46:15] and they have an aircraft carrier but it just has one aircraft.
[00:46:19] So it's a small it's just more like a runway with a keel.
[00:46:25] And if you pop down stairs to their mess hall and you say I would like
[00:46:30] some bacon and eggs, they'll just look at you like no bacon.
[00:46:34] But we have eggs.
[00:46:36] Right.
[00:46:36] And then you say fine, I'll take the eggs and then they walk over it.
[00:46:39] They open up a cabinet and there's Betsy Bucknickid.
[00:46:48] So has she been kidnapped by the Pakistanis or is she working with them?
[00:46:53] I need to know.
[00:46:57] Should I keep you in suspense or just tell you the answer?
[00:47:01] Just tell me the answer.
[00:47:02] She loves the Pakistani sailors.
[00:47:05] She.
[00:47:06] No, no, I don't want to do bits anymore.
[00:47:18] Silent dot partners.
[00:47:21] Silent dot partners.
[00:47:26] Jack what?
[00:47:27] You okay?
[00:47:28] Yeah whatever.
[00:47:30] Would you like to make some money for the podcast maybe?
[00:47:33] Yeah.
[00:47:35] I mean in addition to the money from silent dot partners.
[00:47:38] Silent partners.com.
[00:47:40] Nope.
[00:47:40] Silent dot partners.
[00:47:41] No, sorry.
[00:47:43] Top partners.
[00:47:44] In addition to that, we could make money if you could maybe
[00:47:48] do an audiobook read and get it.
[00:47:51] Okay.
[00:47:51] I can do this.
[00:47:53] You just need to be professional.
[00:47:54] That's all I'm asking.
[00:47:55] This has been a humiliating episode of the podcast.
[00:47:58] I hate this episode and I'm going to end with a win.
[00:48:01] All right.
[00:48:01] Well, I'm sending you a script right now.
[00:48:03] This is oh, I need to put your email address in there or it won't go
[00:48:07] and I don't want to send it to the wrong person because that would be weird.
[00:48:09] All right.
[00:48:10] I just sent it to you.
[00:48:12] It's on its way and this is a memoir about it by a serial killer.
[00:48:19] Kind of fascinating, right?
[00:48:20] Yeah, yes so.
[00:48:21] I mean crime podcasts are very popular and so are books about crime.
[00:48:25] Okay.
[00:48:26] And here's a here's a hardened serial killer criminal reminiscing about his life.
[00:48:30] And it says serial killer a memoir.
[00:48:33] Serial killer a memoir.
[00:48:35] All right, I've never read this thing before.
[00:48:37] Three, two, one.
[00:48:41] My dad was a simple loving man with a weird voice and a grotesque body.
[00:48:47] This is going to be about me.
[00:48:50] He was off in a way on business and although he tried to explain to me what he did,
[00:48:54] I would tune out and never really grasped it.
[00:48:57] All I knew was it paid the bills.
[00:48:59] I knew that my mother was a talented interior decorator.
[00:49:05] I don't know much more about what she did other than she specialized in decorating
[00:49:09] Bunga Bunga rooms and rich people's houses.
[00:49:12] Her company was called affordable Bunga Bunga room design.
[00:49:17] She often worked late and was always getting invited to attend parties in the very rooms.
[00:49:21] She helped design.
[00:49:22] I didn't think much of it at the time because I didn't know what Bunga Bunga meant.
[00:49:27] She would often stumble back to the house in the wee hours of the night,
[00:49:31] her clothes and tatters and her knees.
[00:49:36] And her knees rubbed raw.
[00:49:39] Her jaw was often swollen at her hair tassled as if she'd been repeatedly tapped on the head by
[00:49:44] her actions.
[00:49:51] I assumed her condition was from working so very hard, but it was only later in my adult years
[00:49:58] that I learned that while my dad was off on business trips,
[00:50:00] my dear mother was getting passed around the Bunga Bunga room like a tray of or durs.
[00:50:05] It was a secret I would keep for my father.
[00:50:08] As a result, I had a lot of time to myself growing up.
[00:50:11] I had a sister, but she was far from human.
[00:50:14] In an effort to have someone to spend time with, I said about building a real woman out of Legos.
[00:50:19] I soon realized that a thin woman was more desirable because it took far fewer Legos to build.
[00:50:25] My dopey dad would have to work 10 times more to afford enough Legos if I modeled my woman after
[00:50:30] Lena Dunham. Unfortunately, my woman was mostly gray because she was made from Star Wars Lego kits.
[00:50:38] It hurt to make love.
[00:50:41] I was just a little bit of a kid.
[00:50:49] Huh, shoot.
[00:50:53] We seem to have a theme in this podcast.
[00:50:57] Silent partners.
[00:50:59] Like us and all that.
[00:51:02] Telefrand about the podcast.
[00:51:03] That was questionable material with Jack and Brian.
[00:51:10] Subscribe on any podcast platform.
[00:51:13] Visit us at qmpodcast.com