The Nazis Were All About Cat Pants

[00:00:00] I started playing GTA 5 like you suggested. Great! It's surprising for a game that's been out so long it's sure got a lot of bugs in it. Yeah, there are a few glitches. I don't find too many glitches. What are the big ones that you're having troubles with? Like my character keeps turning into a salamander and I can only cling to plants. And that's, now you're telling me that's a glitch in the Grand Theft Auto online game? That's what I'm, that's what I'm experiencing. You told me to play it. I saw, I created a character.

[00:00:30] Yeah. It kind of looked like me, it's silver here. Yeah. And all this stuff. And then next thing I know I'm a salamander and all I can do in the game is cling to plants. And that's, and you're saying that's a glitch in the game? I think it's a glitch in GTA 5. And I figured, you know, it's been out for a long time. Yeah, 10 years. And you would think they would have been able to sort out these glitches. It gets hung up loading sometimes. I'm trying to load a, you know, get into a job, a heist or something. And then sure it'll just start spinning and spinning. It doesn't happen. And then,

[00:01:00] then 15 minutes later, I'm a salamander clinging to the side of a plant. And, and now I know the heists are supposed to be like, you know, robbing a casino, sort of Ocean's 11, sort of big things. But in your glitchy version, the heists are sort of different as well? Yeah. I mean, I had to, there was one, I had to steal a straw from a juice box.

[00:01:21] And a delicatessen. And so, you know, I didn't know what to prepare for. I got an RPG and I had a machine gun and my pistol and a battle ax. And I pulled up in my, I mean, it looks in my car, which is like a van.

[00:02:04] Yeah. I don't think they, you know, they really didn't finish this game before they put it out there. No, clearly. And it's like, I guess they wanted to get right to work on GTA six, Grand Theft Auto six before really getting Grand Theft Auto five, right. It's infuriating. I think they moved right on to six. And I feel like as a, as someone who's actually in four. Yes, you are. In real life. Yes.

[00:02:32] I should have special treatment. I should have a car saying that the man you're spraying with gunfire is someone who was in GTA four. Stop spraying him with gunfire. He's not good with the reflexes. Right. Because of his advanced age. I'm driving down the road. So then I'm being peppered with machine gun fire. Mm-hmm. And, and then I get out of my car and I'm trying to figure out what's going on. And then some guy runs up and beats me to death. And then I respawn. Yep.

[00:02:59] And you, they, you respond in the vicinity. So I know I'm going to get them back. Yep. And next thing I know, I'm a salamander again on a dandelion. Oh man. Can't do anything. He sees me, he guns me down. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's very frustrating because I just want to get revenge on these people who have obviously played the game for the last 10 years. Yes, of course. And they, they have an edge on me. They have motorcycles that seem to fly.

[00:03:25] I, I, I actually know what you're talking about. That, that is real. It's like the green goblins. Yes. Right. I don't like, that doesn't seem very realistic. I, I hate that so much. I, I truly do hate it. But just getting back to, um, really quickly, uh, you texted me. I was so excited that you were finally playing this game. So maybe we could play together. You said there was also a glitch with the, the, the car system. Yeah. What did you mean by that? What's the problem with the cars in the game?

[00:03:52] Uh, well, sometimes the cars are English and so they're right side drive. Oh no. Which is just, you know, and it's kind of, and everything's backwards and it's just very confusing. Wow. And then the, the Italian cars, like the, the lower ends, like the Fiats and stuff. Yeah. They have issues. I had a, I had a really cool car. Okay. A very funky looking car.

[00:04:17] And then, uh, this woman just came out of an alleyway and drew a swastika on it and then ran off. To the meeting at the DNC? Yeah. It's a DSA. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's right. But yeah, I just, so it's the game, you know, it's, it's, it's hard acclimating to this game. I guess so. That's just terrible. But I'm, I'm so sorry to hear that. Just last question, because I'm really enjoying the game.

[00:04:45] What's so fun is that you, you get to run a lot of businesses in the game. You can have like a, a drug manufacturing and distribution enterprise. You can own a nightclub. You can, uh, have an auto shop that covers this another thing for like illegal goods or whatever. But you said some of the, um, some of the jobs that you have in your version are really glitchy as well. Yeah. I'm, I have a, I have a bottle deposit business.

[00:05:12] So I just, I basically go around picking up cans and things and I have to put them in a plastic bag attached into a shopping cart and just kind of push it down the street. And it's embarrassing to me because everybody's flying by in really nice cars. And I've got a shopping cart filled with cans. Yeah. I'm can farming and you know, it's not very lucrative. It looks lucrative because I have these plastic bags filled with cans. Yep. And then I get back to my little bottle deposit ranch, which is way far outside the city.

[00:05:42] I mean, it takes me forever to get there. And I'm lucky if I don't get gunned down multiple times on the way. Of course. And then I get there and I got like a $20 and 17 cents. I think after weird playing pretty much all night. That seems like a low payout for an all night game of GTA. And, um, and you have to put at the bottle return ranch, you have to put each bottle that you find in individually into the return machine.

[00:06:11] Which is very time consuming. And half the time it says that we cannot accept this brand. So it's very frustrating. Right. Because, you know, Pisswasser is all over the place. Right. Right. For whatever reason, my bottle collection ranch does not accept Pisswasser. That's very frustrating. Well, you know, or it'll accept it if you're like in Rhode Island, Delaware, New York, Pennsylvania. But Los Santos is not, they're not, I don't know. It's really, I'm acclimating to you. I really want to play with you.

[00:06:40] I'm excited to, to play with you. Yeah. Well, I mean, hopefully you can sort of iron out these. Maybe you just need to download an, like a, you know, a, a patch. I, you know, I can try the next time I play, but right now it's kind of, I'm a salamander and I'm way far out of town. I don't know how I'm going to get back. Where did you leave your character? On a cactus. It's a hike. Yeah.

[00:07:08] You just, you want to play the game and drive super fast, cool cars and like shoot up hookers. Right. And it seems like you're not really having that experience. No, it looks, no. Cause if somebody sees a salamander coming, they don't, you know, they don't react. I've been run over so many times. I mean, I, if I do dare get off of the plant. Right. And if I stay on the plant, I just have to sit there and kind of watch people watch life go by. It doesn't sound fun. And the, the hookers are weird in this game and your version of the game. What like the hookers aren't as fun as they normally are.

[00:07:38] Well, they don't have a salamander kink. So there's that. And then when I was actually my, my normal character. Yeah. Before it glitched, I walked into the nightclub and I found that. A pretty lady talking to me and she gave her some money, but then she said, I'm on my menses. I tried to get my money back and that became a mission.

[00:08:08] Just really? Yeah. What were the details of the mission to get your money back from this whore? Well, you had to, you had to track her down and get the money back from her. Yep. So you had to follow the trail. Follow the trail. And wasn't there some sort of thing where she's like taking her kid to school and that's the only place where you can catch her? Yeah. Well, she's, she takes her kids. I mean, you basically follow the blood trail and then you, you know, you go. So I'm going all the way around town driving it. You don't, you need the GPS. It's just.

[00:08:38] Cause it's like an oil slick of blood. Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, obviously I don't think, you know, you know, it's a game because a human probably would have died by the time they, they got to a ammunition. Sure. Sure. On the corner of that street and the other street. Yeah. Yeah. One of the ammunations. Yeah, absolutely. That's the gun shop for people to know. So you, so, but okay. So you eventually find this whore. Yeah. And then how do you get your, your money back? So you, you follow the trail.

[00:09:08] Yeah. You, you arrive at the middle school where she's dropping her kid off. And then what, what is the interaction like? Well, I have to, you have to do all this sneaking around. You kind of avoid the guards and everything at the school. Yep. Cause it's Los Santos high school. So it's got a lot of police presence. Obviously it's a very violent city. But then I, I see her, you know, alone in a hallway and I come running up to her. And then from right behind, uh, ice busts in. And they, they grab her and now she's in El Salvador.

[00:09:38] I'll never get my money. Oh God, Brian. Yeah. But I like the game other than that. It's. Otherwise it sounds good. Yeah. I, you know, I'm, I'm, I wish I had a good game. I had gotten into it earlier. I'd probably be more advanced than level seven. Yeah, I would think so. After 10 years, I would hope you could get beyond level seven salamander. Yeah. That's a fun, uh, opening thing to talk about before we even get to any sort of prepared bits so we can do the opening of our show. You know, Jack.

[00:10:08] Yes, Brian. You know, there's money in audio books. I think I've told you this before. I've heard you say this. And, uh, I have some connections of course, back in what we call the publishing days. I guess we do. And so, uh, they, they are looking for people to read audio books. Okay. And, uh, I thought, okay, well, my, my buddy Jack, he is capable of, of reading audio books. Aw, thank you. And I said, I'm, I'm going to, you know, they said, give him a shot, let him know. So I said, okay, great.

[00:10:38] So I'm sending you a, uh, an excerpt. That's what we call it in the publishing business. Sure. An excerpt from a new book. Okay. And the book is called The Real World War II. Oh. It's written by Daryl Cooper, who's a famed historian. Okay. Uh, Tucker Carlson had featured him and, uh, he's making the rounds. He's very knowledgeable gentleman. They don't want his voice. They want an every man's voice. And I immediately thought of you. I sent you the script. Okay.

[00:11:07] I don't think I sent it to the wrong address this time. I think it's coming right to you. I have, I have received, I received the script and I've opened it. And I, I promise you this. I have never read this before in my life. Then I would like you to just take it away, please. Okay. Can you count me down? Yeah, I can. And this is The Real History of World War II by Daryl Cooper in three, two, one. You got to be, you know, professional. Got it. One.

[00:11:31] The Nazi regime's ambitions were not rooted in malice, but rather the admirable goal of forcing cats to wear pants. Adolf Hitler hated to see cat butts and believed trousered cats would symbolize order and superiority. The invasion of Poland in 1939 wasn't about conquest at all. It was all about securing more cats for his sartorial experiment. The Blitzkrieg was nothing more than an attempt to swiftly end humanity's unacceptable exposure to feline sphincters.

[00:12:04] German troops marched into villages with measuring tapes and cat trousers, corralling cats while locals watched. But things soon spiraled. The evil Winston Churchill, misinterpreting the invasion as aggression, twirled his mustache and fought back. Britain's RAF bombed German cat pants factories. Hitler, frustrated, doubled down. He was a nice man who only believed in national socialism and not seeing nasty cat holes parading around.

[00:12:33] It was only after he learned that Jews invented the cat rectum that he even thought of the final solution for cat buttery. Tanks rolled, cities burned, and the original mission drowned in chaos. By 1945, with Berlin in ruins, Hitler's dream lay in tatters. Cats roamed free and panless amid the wreckage, meowing with little concern that their fuzzy feline anuses were visible to anyone in their proximity.

[00:13:02] Hitler would have rolled in his grave if he hadn't been burned in a ditch. Thus, World War II became a tragic tale of the noble idea of covering up cat bottoms, turning into a horrific global conflagration. Jeez, I didn't know that. I did not know that. First of all, I'm excited to learn. Yeah. But I know I had maybe a slip up or two. You had a lot of slip ups because you can't lose character. But I was still, you know, I almost didn't notice that you screwed this up so badly because

[00:13:29] I was enthralled by the history that I never knew. And I've read a lot of World War II stuff. I know you have. And I'm fairly knowledgeable about world. And I had never seen this. I got to commend, is it Professor Cooper? I don't know. But I just, I find his, there's a good thing there are no gatekeepers anymore and that people who have information can get it out there. Man, I could not agree more. And didn't your, speaking of which, wasn't your improv troop in college called the feline sphincters? No, they were called the Auschwitz.

[00:14:00] W-I-T-S. Yeah. Well, let's start the show. You're listening to Questionable Material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack. QMPodcast.com. How are you today? I'm great, sir. How are you?

[00:14:30] I am. I'm okay. You know, still sort of, I got a little under the weather. Again, you may hear my voice being a little raspy. I apologize for that. Just, you know, continue to just have a, you know, a little kiss of bad luck here and there. But otherwise, you know, I'm okay. Your 2025 is off to a great start, as we say in the annual business. How is that annual business? It's not great, to be honest. Oh, no. You only get paid once a year.

[00:15:00] And how often do you meet? Once a decade. It's a really stupid system we have set up. Seems like a bad business. It is bad. Well, I mean, to each his own. Okay. So, but enough about me. How are you? How's the family? I'm great. Family's great. You know, we're doing the, you know, still doing the college thing. We had a little bomb dropped on us last night by the Sonny Bunch, by the younger son. Really?

[00:15:30] Yeah. Okay. Okay. What sort of bomb was dropped? Did your son forget to release the hostages and he deserved it? No, no. That's still going. Oh, okay. No. So he comes home. Okay. From school. He comes home from school and he's wearing a tie and a shirt and we thought it was his casual day. Okay. So my wife's like, I thought it was casual day. He's like, no. Well, okay. We're like, okay, that's fine. And so he sits down at dinner, but he seems off at dinner.

[00:15:59] So he's kind of off. And my wife picks up on this stuff like immediately. So he's like, what's the matter? What's the matter? What's, you know how moms are so delete. They're just in touch. What's the matter? What's the matter? Nothing, nothing, nothing. And then finally he's like, I met with a Marine Corps recruiter. And I was like, what? And he goes, I, that's why he was dressed up. It wasn't, it was casual day at school. He just left after school. He put on a tie and a shirt and went, met with a Marine Corps recruiter.

[00:16:29] And I was like, okay. I said, did you sign anything? He's like, well, yeah. What? I'm like, are you kidding me? He's like, yeah. I'm like, okay. So you didn't sign anything. Okay. What did you discuss? So basically he's, he's interested in becoming an officer. Yep. And there's a program called the PLC program. I won't bore you with the details, but basically it involves, you know, you can do it while you're in college. You can do this thing. In the summer you go to a camera, but he had met with a recruiter and the recruiter was kind

[00:16:57] of advising him to put off college for a year or so. And then, which of course you can imagine his mom was really psyched about. So it was just, but it was just very funny. I was just like, oh my, look at my little boy just growing up and going to recruiters. And so it was, you know, so yeah. So we're, you know, we're, so now we're just discussing the merits of, you know, going to college, not going to college right away, joining the Marine Corps, not joining the Marine Corps right away, that kind of thing.

[00:17:26] Wow. Now does, now your wife, as we have established, an illegal immigrant from Poland. We did it legally. Oh, okay. Unlike some people. That's right. I, I, I, I just, I, I hear her sort of, um, nonsensical language and I, I just assume she's illegal, but you're right. And I apologize. No, that's the new policy anyway. Okay. Well, that's, that's good. Now, does she even sort of understand like what, uh, uh, like a merit, what a college is?

[00:17:54] Uh, she, she has an, she has a vague idea of it. Okay. What does she think it is? She thinks it's like a day school for, for kids who are older. Okay. Like how, how old? She says like, you know, say, okay. So, you know, they, when high school end, she, she never says ends. She just says end. When high school end, you join place for fighting Israel. And I was like, no, it's not really like that. It's a little different. She's like, no, you go, you fight Israel.

[00:18:24] You make Israel his bed. I'm like, no, no, that's not exactly what college is. I understand why you think that. Of course. But that's a fair mistake. You know, the youngest one is not at an Ivy league. Right. So he's not, so that, you know, it might be a little different. And she's like, but he will learn engineering and hate Israel. I was like, no, no. I think hopefully just engineering, but yeah. Yeah. So it's just, so she, she's not sure exactly what college is about.

[00:18:51] She understands you're supposed to hate Israel. Yep. And Zionists. Yep. Which is what we say in the accusation business is a dog whistle. Oh yes. That's right. You know, you know? Yep. You remember like one time when I held up a noose and somebody accused me that that was a dog whistle of racism. Uh, that's crazy. Yeah. Who, who accused you of that? Morgan Freeman.

[00:19:23] While you were trying to hang him for being black. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, you do what you do, but I just like, you know, I don't want to be, I don't want to be accused of it, but it's not nice. Yes. What you did was not nice. That was racist. Okay. It's, it's one thing to like hang Morgan Freeman because you're trying to get his wife to like, let what's the combination of the safe. There's no, nothing racist about it. Right. What you're doing is targeted racism.

[00:19:51] Well, but he, he was blackjack. I understand that. I followed Morgan Freeman's entire career. All of which has been black. All right. So this is all new to me. Okay. I'm new to the racism business. I don't, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm supposed to be racist. Yep. But I'm getting paid Soros dollars.

[00:20:20] Those, those are pretty good dollars to have. They seem legal tender. It just has his face on it and says he'll, George will take care of it. Instead of in God we trust. That's a, that's really a much more appropriate American dollar. It's just, it's a straightforward. George will take care of it. Yeah. I like that. So, okay. So that's very interesting about your son. Yeah. He's 16. Is that right? No, he's not. Is he 17 now? He's 18. He's driving around. Yeah. He's 18. He's 18. Yeah.

[00:20:50] He just turned 18. A couple of last month. No, where are we? Last month? This is March. Yeah. Last month. He turned, he turned 18 last month. Holy crap. Okay. Yeah. Oh gosh. I, for some reason I thought he's younger. 18. He's almost got his pilot's license. I know. Well that I know. He's going to have that in a month or two. Well, that is wild. So can you, you know, how is it having an 18 year old around the house? Are you sort of like finding any sort of behaviors as he begins to test limits, push boundaries,

[00:21:20] maybe start breaking some rules? I don't know because he, he tells me to go away. And when I come near him. Yeah. Yeah. Like his mommy. Yeah. He is very much like his mother in that. Okay. You know, he sees me, we lock eyes and he says, stay away, say nothing. Back off. Don't. And I was like, okay. I don't like conflict. No, I know you don't. That's.

[00:21:48] I just go lock myself in the pantry. Okay. In the pantry. Yeah. The chips are there. That's, you know, that's a really good point. It's a good place to be locked into, but, but in all seriousness, like what, you know, have you found at 18 years old and you know, has he started to pick up any sort of behaviors? Have you caught him doing anything naughty? Anything like that? So I'm alone, but I'm cooking for Sunny Bunch. Yep. And I'm making, I was making cod, trying to be healthy.

[00:22:18] Oh, good for you. So I'm making a, I'm making a cod dish required some white wine. Yep. So I open up the little wine fridge, take out a bottle of my cheapest white wine because I'm cooking with it. Yep. And I open up the bottle and I pour it into the, you know, the one third of a cup added to the fish thingy. And I'm like, oh, wine, a bottle of wine's open. How can I resist? Right? Right. So I grab a glass of wine. Right.

[00:22:47] I pour the wine in there and I take a sip. I'm like, huh, this is weird. I'm tasting. I'm like, take another sip. I'm like, this, this, this wine has gone bad or something. Tasting and tasting. And then I'm looking at the bottle and it tastes like water to me. Oh no. And so. Oh no. I open up the wine fridge and I take out another bottle, the exact same bottle and I peer them together and I'm looking at them and one is yellow, like white wine is. Yeah.

[00:23:17] And the other one is clear, like water is. And I realize that I have a bottle of wine that is actually filled with water. So I'm trying to remember when I might've done that and why I would have done that. Sure. And there is no answer. Nope. And so the next morning I see my son, he's getting ready to go off to school. I was like, Hey buddy, you have any idea why this bottle of wine would have water in it?

[00:23:47] No. I'm like, okay. Cause it's just really weird that a bottle of wine is now filled with water. It's seems like a big mistake for a winery to make. Yeah. And I was like, so you don't know why? I'm like, no. And I was like, would you swear on your grandfather's life? Oh. And he's like, oh, so that's the kryptonite. Oh. Loves his grandpa. So he's just like, well, it was, I was having, you know, I was playing games with my friends over the week that you were gone.

[00:24:16] So he basically, you know, snuck a little, he was snaking little, uh, little glasses of wine here and there until it added up to a whole bottle that he just figured he'd fill it up with water and put it back in the fridge. That's hilarious. Like, I mean, also know your audience, like your borderline alcoholic, why no father is going to notice the difference. So he's the opposite of Jesus. I told him.

[00:24:45] I was like, you turned wine into water. Oh my God. Does that mean your son is the antichrist? He could be the antichrist. That's exciting. Or the son of dog. Very good. Now I know over the last year or so in our phone calls, you've told me about a few other things you've sort of discovered, caught him red handed with around the house.

[00:25:14] And, um, one that really stands out, you were cleaning up his room, which for, I don't, which is nice of you to do in the first place. And that you found something under his bed that was really naughty. Yeah. Yeah. What, what, what was it, what was that all about? Uh, well, you know, just cleaning up the room and I'm, you know, doing what you do and going around the vacuum and just kind of getting all, you know, a lot of crumbs, of course, when you've got an 18 year old, they're just crumbs everywhere and cookies and crackers and all the other things.

[00:25:43] They, and ramen noodles that apparently were just eaten straight out of the pack. Oh God. Yeah. Monster. Yeah. Just a demon. And, uh, and then, so, you know, and I'm going under the bed and this kind of pushing onto the, you know, on sliding the vacuum under the bed, keeps hitting something. And I'm like, okay. So I get down on my hands and knees and I look underneath and I could not believe it. Oh, what? What do you, what do you find? Like playboys or something? It was one of the Israelis who killed JFK.

[00:26:16] I mean, he's been harboring a fugitive from the law for 62 years. Apparently. Yeah. So like there's this extremely old man under the, under the bed and I hit him with the vacuum and he's muttering to me in something that sounds, it sounds vaguely Hebrew-ish. And I'm just like, are you, excuse me? Are you, what are you doing here? And he's like, ah, shalom. And I, you know, so I didn't, it was, it turns out, yeah, he's one of the Israeli agents who killed JFK.

[00:26:46] Cause that's exactly what happened. Oh. Yeah. That is what we're like, what school are you sending this boy to? Where did he meet this guy? He's looking at going to Zionism university. Sure. That makes sense. Which, which outlaws protests against, against Zionism, which is a bridge too far for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Wow.

[00:27:10] Now, uh, Zionism university is on the, um, uh, the old Hofstra campus, but they just moved in and took it over. Yep. That's how it works these days. Well, that, that is wild. And now I remember, I think it was right before Christmas, uh, both your boys were home. And, um, for some reason you told me something about like, you needed to like get your son's phone, you know, your younger, your 18 year old now, 18 year old, uh, his phone for something.

[00:27:40] And like a message or a picture or something came through that worried you. And then you went through his phone and you found some crazy stuff that you had to talk to him about. What, what did you discover in your son's phone? Uh, he just, he clicks erotic images of Tanya Harding. I don't know. Mm. Mm. Oh. I don't know why. Yeah. I, I, I, I came, I came right up to him. I was just like, listen, are you gay?

[00:28:10] And he said, no. Cause that's what a gay guy would use to be like, ah, blonde woman. She must be attractive. Yeah. Yeah. A perfect beard. Yeah. I love, but, uh, no, he's like, no, no, I just, he goes, I'm just, I find Tanya Harding to be irresistible. Wow. So you had to have the talk. But yeah, I did have the talk. What was, um, how did that go? Uh, I mean, he was extremely upset.

[00:28:37] He was dead set on getting a Tanya Harding shaped swimming pool. I told him that that was extremely expensive and, and just not something I wanted. And I'm looking at the resale value of the house in the future. Yeah. And, you know, to have a real estate agent point to the Tanya Harding shaped swimming pool is just the thing I don't want to even imagine. Yeah. Cause it's not a selling point. No, no, not at all. We're not building houses to not sell them. Right. Right.

[00:29:07] No, I, I know that. So he was very upset. He, you know, he said there was, if there's one thing he wanted more than anything in life, it was a Tanya Harding shaped swimming pool. And I said, well, someday, you know, if you have the money for it, you can build your own. That's a good way to look at it. And he's, you know, so he said, you know, dad, okay, you know, let me, I need to set goals. So he went to his Tanya Harding shaped dry erase board and just wrote, you know, swimming pool and just wrote his goals there.

[00:29:37] Okay. Well, it seems like a constructive ending to it all. It is. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't read what he, what he was writing. Cause it's in a different language. It was a Hebrew. No, Tanya Harding. East. Oh, I didn't see. I didn't know that was the language. I didn't either. I mean, he's, he's really into this. Oh my God. Yeah. Man. Well, I mean, at least it's not Jeff Galluli. Yeah. No, he's a dope. Count your blessings.

[00:30:06] You know, the last thing I remember that you said you had gone into the woods. You were clearing some brush and you went into the woods for some reason, or maybe Jason, that was the time you were chasing your dog. Anyway, you went into the woods and you found something that I guess your son was trying to hide from you and your wife. That was, it became a huge kerfuffle in your house. Do you mind just really quickly ending with that story? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. Sorry. That's right.

[00:30:33] So yeah, I'm in the back, you know, the dog kind of wanders in there and I was in the walking around the woods in the behind the house. And then I'm, you know, I find myself staring at a T-62 tank. What? Yeah. And I'm like, I'm looking at this thing and I'm like, why, why is there a T-62 here? Yeah. And anyone would ask that. And I know my son loves tanks.

[00:30:59] And I went back to him and I was like, there's a tank in the backyard in the woods. There's a tank back in the woods. And I want to know if it's yours. And he said, no, no, no, it's not mine. But he kind of looked away. Oh God. And I said, no, no, I want to, I want to know if it's yours. Okay. Because I think it is. And he looked at me in the eyes and he's like, no.

[00:31:28] And I'm like, listen, do you swear on the life of Drake that this T-62 tank is not yours? Uh-huh. And his eyes welled up with tears because he, you know, if there's one thing he loves more than my grandfather or his grandfather, it's Drake. Of course. And he looked at me and he said, you son of a bitch. And I was like, I know your weakness.

[00:31:56] And he said, yes, that's my T-62 tank. And I was like, well, how did you get this tank? Yeah. You know, what is this Soviet era tank doing here? And he goes, I made a deal. Uh-oh. And I was like, wait, what kind of deal did you make? Yeah. And with whom? And he said, I made a deal with the Russians. Oh, the worst. I was like, for this tank? He's like, yeah. And he goes, and what did they want?

[00:32:24] He said, they want the Israeli under my bed. Okay. True story. Yeah, no, I know it's a true story. And you said that the tank, while fully functional and like, I mean, exceptionally dangerous. Yeah. Was actually sort of, it had a distinct look to it.

[00:32:52] What was the flaw in the tank's design? I was shaped like Tonya Harding. Jack. Yes. I'm sending you another excerpt from a book. Okay. And it's a book I would like you to read so that we could get some money for the show by

[00:33:16] you becoming a book reading person, as we say in the publishing business. Reading audiobooks. Okay. This book, I'm going to tell you right now, it's called Backwoods Barbie, Tales from a Tennessee Heart. Whoa. Okay. It's the biography of Dolly Parton. And this is an excerpt. Yep. Amazing. That's so cool.

[00:33:45] Do I have to, I don't do accents well. No, don't do accents. Just read it. Okay, great. It's all in the writing. I've never read this before in my life. Can I have just a minute to read it? Nope. Cause you got to get it out there. This is how audiobooks work. You read it. Cause you know, you're going to be reading hundreds of pages of books. You can't be like, Oh, give me 10 minutes to read this page. No, you get into this. Yes. You get in the studio, you sit down and you read the books. When I was reading books, you just sit down and be like, okay, let's go. Let's do this. Chapter one.

[00:34:15] Okay. You know better than I. Thank you. Okay. Don't get edgy. Okay. Count me down. Three, two, one. I'd spent all morning whipping up a batch of raspberry Jell-O, bright as a Tennessee sunset, jiggly as my spirits. Carl Dean, my sweet husband, had been quieter than usual, sitting in his recliner with that old hound dog stare. Honey, I chirped. You've got to try this Jella. It's sweeter than a love song. He didn't budge.

[00:34:45] Just gazed out the window like he was pondering the mysteries of the Smoky Mountains. I fluttered around him, spoon in hand, singing its praises. It's got that zing, Carl, like our first kiss. I teased, waving it under his nose. Nothing. I tried guilt next. Lord knows it works on kin. I slaved over this, darling. Don't break my heart. Still, he sat there stubborn as a mule. I even dolled up the bowl with whipped cream, thinking a little flare might tempt him.

[00:35:15] Come on, sugar, one bite for your dolly, I pleaded, my curls bouncing with every gesture. I just couldn't figure it out for the life of me. Carl loved the jingle of Jell-O. When he used to say, bring out the Jell-O twins, he was talking about my breasts, which he loved to motorboat. All day, he wouldn't touch my Jell-O. By supper, I was fit to be tied. Carl Dean, you're testing my patience, I huffed, setting the Jell-O down.

[00:35:42] That's when I really looked at him, his chest still, his eyes glassy. My heart sank faster than a stone in a Holston River. He wasn't ignoring me. He'd slipped away, quiet as a whisper, sometime between breakfast and my Jell-O crusade. I laughed through tears, picturing him in heaven, dodging my raspberry dreams. Well, shoot, I sighed. Guess I'll eat it myself. Damn. Oh.

[00:36:11] You know, man, it was like, that was pretty close. The motorboat, I think, got me, but otherwise it was pretty darn close. Pretty close. Very close. You could have been reading Dolly Parton's biography. And we could have been making some scratch. Yeah. I see pretty early on. And I sort of figured out that he had passed on. So I was hoping I could make it through, but then, you know, just toss in a boob joke and- Boobies. I mean, or whoever the biographer is. I have no idea. Probably the guy who did Steve Jobs.

[00:36:41] Right. Or that historian from last- Daryl Cooper. Daryl Cooper. Dr. Daryl Cooper. Maybe. We don't know. Dr. Daryl Cooper, PhD. Well, I hope, you know, we don't have a lot of show left. No. So get that third script ready, okay? It's ready. All right. I'll talk to you in a minute. So, Brian. Yes, Jack. Last week, I sort of opened up about some of my recent health issues that I've been going through. Your concussion. My concussion. I had the flu.

[00:37:11] My father's health. Dad with dementia. Yeah, exactly. Comedy gold. Comedy gold. Everyone is just laughing so hard. And, you know, I figured since we talked about my health issues, I wanted to check in on you. How are you doing health-wise these days? Fantastic, Jack. That's great. Went to the cardiologist. Okay. When? Was it today? Yesterday. Yesterday. Yesterday. As they say in the cardiology business. Nope, they don't.

[00:37:41] I think they do. Okay. We're never going to see eye to eye on this. So what did the old cardiologist say? How's your ticker? He said it's looking good. Yeah. This and that. All the things. Blah, blah, blah. Lower the LDL cholesterol a little bit would be swell. Sure. I was like, okay, if that means I have to eat less steak. Yeah. Okay, fine. Sure, sure, sure. And also, so I'm sitting there. So, yeah, they come in, they do all their tests and everything. Yep.

[00:38:09] And then they leave the room and I get a text message from the doctor's office saying, I've been referred to an endocrinologist. Holy crap. While you're like, I'm still in the. I'm just, I'm still sitting there just waiting for them to come in and tell me I can go. Oh my gosh. And I get this text message that, you know, Hey, you've been referred by the doctors. I was to an endocrinologist and endocrinologist. And I was like, oh, that's, isn't that for cancer? Oh my God. Oh my God.

[00:38:36] And then he, the doctor comes back in the room and he's like, he's like, listen, there was something I, you know, I saw that I didn't like. I'm like, is that why I've been referred to an endocrinologist? He's like, yeah. I'm like, okay, should I be worried? And he goes, I wouldn't be. He goes, it's just, you know, it's basically we're just making sure. Just making sure you don't have cancer randomly. They were doing a little ultrasound on the juggler veins, like the carotid arteries or whatever to make sure they're not filled with like sausage.

[00:39:06] Yes. I've, I've had that scan. Yeah. They were doing those things and they, they saw the thyroid and there was something on the thyroid. They, they saw it and they just wanted to be in, wanted to investigate it. Uh, so they found like a, like a lump or a bump. Something like that. Yeah. He said there was some kind of a lump or a bump. Wow. I was like, all right, great. That's how it starts. I love, I love modern medicine.

[00:39:31] You find this out from a text because of the, the backwards way they do these things. Yeah, exactly. It's like reading in the newspaper. It's like, oh, they killed him. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can't complain about your bedside manner if you find out from a, from a text. I knew before he did. Yeah. So yeah. Right. So yeah. So just now I have to go, go to a, find another doctor and all that crap and have them look at it. Make sure it's not dangerous. I don't think it's dangerous. Okay. Cause I'm a medical professional. Right. Right. Right. Yeah.

[00:40:01] You, yeah. You've, you've done a lot of that in your career. Yeah. Well, uh, well, Brian, I mean, I hope in all seriousness that, um, everything is fine. Mostly just because I don't want to go through the process of finding a replacement co-host who will edit the show and foot most of the bill. Uh, but also just cause I'm worried about you or whatever. Thanks Jack. You're, you're so welcome. Now I hate to pry. I mean, we're pretty open on this show.

[00:40:29] I think everybody knows that, uh, your doctor found and has found over the last couple of years, some other interesting sort of medical conditions with you. And do you mind really? Like, are you cool if we talk about that? Okay. Okay. Thank you. I know it's tough, but so about two years ago, I think it was also your physical, your, um, your doctor had, uh, discovered something interesting in your blood work. Yeah.

[00:40:56] Um, and I know you've had like lots of Lyme disease and everything, so you're used to maybe not getting the best blood work back, but this was extra surprising. You want to tell everyone what happened? Uh, yeah. You found antibodies that, that shouldn't have been there. Uh, interesting antibodies for what? I would say in, uh, the, like it basically my body was producing antibodies to fight Lena Dunham.

[00:41:25] Is that just code for cholesterol? No, no. It literally it's, it's, it's her genetic sequence is in my body. What? Yeah. And, and my, my red blood cells have been trained to fight them and the white ones too. Like they're all like hyped up, ready to go. So God, that's a tough diagnosis to get. I guess it is. It was shocking. Cause I've, I've never had physical contact with her. Sure. Would you? Exactly.

[00:41:53] So I, I don't, you know, why my, my body has these antibodies in them is, is a mystery. And they, uh, they have, they've been sending scholars to my house on a regular basis to kind of try to ascertain what's going on here. They call me medical Marvel. Really? Yeah. Who's they? Uh, Lena Dunham's lawyers. Well, that is, that's fascinating is now, do you think these antibodies have, have to

[00:42:22] fight off Lena Dunham have, um, have spread because it sure seems like Hollywood stopped putting her in things. It's quite possible. You know, I had a trip to Los Angeles. Maybe during that time I spread it. Yeah. Very possibly. And quite possibly, you know, now everybody feels a sense of they're sick or nauseous at the concept. Yeah. It's quite possible. And again, it's going to take a few years of research, you know, uh, FDA is a little slow.

[00:42:49] Of course they're, they've got a, you know, they're slow when they, to get things done. Yep. Oh, that's going to be fixed though. Once they all get fired. Yeah. That's the best way to fix it. Um, well, that's, that's wild. Now I want to ask you about, you know, at men of our age, we're now both in our fifties, um, men of our age have to get colonoscopies and prostate exams and everything.

[00:43:16] It's makes, um, it's, you know, certainly makes the appointments more interesting, but, uh, you know, there are some interesting circumstances, I guess, uh, in, in an interesting situation surrounding your, um, prostate exam. Doctor came in and said, um, um, um, you know, checked your prostate and, you know, I think I want to do some follow-up tests. I think it should be okay, but I'd, I'd rather be safe than sorry. Okay, good.

[00:43:46] And, you know, I was, I was like, okay, but I couldn't speak. Um, cause I had, my mouth was filled with gauze. And, um, because I was at the dentist. Now that's, see, that's, I, I, like, sometimes I don't think you necessarily see like that. That's, that's problematic, Brian. I was thinking about it, you know, cause as far as I've, I've been to the dentist many

[00:44:15] times, maybe two or three times a year. Right. Sure. Like most of us. And they've always dealt with my mouth. Yeah. And, and then, you know, to have him coming in after I was out for some work, uh, and then, you know, I come to and I'm being told that my prostate, you know, needs to be looked at. I was a little, a little alarmed. Yeah. Yeah. But he said it had four cavities.

[00:44:49] Okay. Well, just again, just so, you know, I think he sexually assaulted you. So, well, you know, we'll never know. Well, I mean, we, you could, you could probably follow up on this. I could, if I want to spend 10 95 for his only fans, but I'm not going to do that. Wait a minute. You, you found your dentist and only fans. Yeah. Dental Dan. It's dental Dan, the mental man.

[00:45:18] And you know, I'm, I saw the teaser shot. I just don't, I'm not going to subscribe. Okay. Yeah. Well, that, I guess that'll send a pretty sharp message. Yeah. I just, I just subscribed. That's definitely, you were definitely sexually assaulted. I don't want to know about it. Oh man. HD. Oh yeah. It's a, it's 8k. Days. This technology is amazing.

[00:45:47] Dan spends a lot of money on his camera. Yeah. He's not a cheap dentist. No. And oh, oh my God. His, his B-roll cam is 70 millimeter film. Look at this. It's going to be an IMAX. Oh God. Is that Christopher Nolan? Wow. Look at that. Wow. New York doctors. New York doctors for you. Last thing. I know you had a genetic workup done and you found your doctors found something that was

[00:46:16] very surprising really in, in your DNA, in your genetic makeup. And, and it's, I know that's different than your blood work, but it was still a really surprising thing for them to find. Our last question, we're going to close with it. What did they find? And, and how are you doing with it? Well, I mean, you know, a lot of people have like a trace amount of Neanderthal in them. Yeah, that's right.

[00:46:39] So the DNA test, you know, it's maybe 1% or 0.3, but I'm, I'm 0.76% Harvey Fierstein. Oh, Brian. Yeah. Oh, Brian. Yeah. Has it manifested in any ways where you've noticed some Harvey Fierstein type of characteristics coming through in your day-to-day life? I was on all fours in a dark room, uh, at an adult bookstore. That's not usually something that happens.

[00:47:10] Yeah. Okay. Uh, yeah. All right. Checks out. Thanks, Brian. You're welcome, Jack. Jack. Yes, Brian. I'm Brian and I am sending you another book to you. You can read. Okay. Another book for you to read audio book audition as we call it. And I'd love you to just kind of read it. This is a children's book called bouncy the bunny. Yeah. I think you love kids. You'd be great to read a kid's book.

[00:47:40] Yeah. That's what I told them at the publishing house. And they're like, Oh, we'd love to have them read it. Have them read bouncy the bunny right away. So I sent you an excerpt from the book and I'd love you to read it as soon as possible in three, two and one second. I've never read this before in my life. Bouncy the bunny was the fluffiest critter in carrotville with a tail like a cotton ball and a grin that screamed mischief. One sunny morning, he hippity hopped to the meadow, clutching his prized carrot juice

[00:48:09] spiked mind you with farmer Ted's secret stash of giggle water. Time for a party. Bunny squeaked, chugging it down till his ears flopped like wet socks. Soon, bouncy was bouncing off trees, hollering, Wee! I'm a fuzzy cloud! He crashed into Mrs. Squirrel's acorn hoard, sending nuts flying like tiny cannonballs. You drunken fluff ball! She shrieked, chasing him with a twig broom.

[00:48:37] Bouncy zigzagged, hiccuping orange bubbles and plowed into Mr. Porcupine's picnic. Mr. Porcupine had had enough of bouncy's BS. He shot his spikes at Bouncy, whose pain receptors were definitely dulled, but still hurting enough that he yelled, Jesus, my ass is a pin cushion! Before cartwheeling into the duck pond with a splash.

[00:49:02] The ducklings quacked in horror as Bouncy floated belly up, singing a slurred rendition of Hop Goes the Weasel while relieving himself in the water. The other ducks knew the warm water meant they were in direct contact with Bouncy's piss. Quack off, you soggy lush! Snapped Mama Duck, beaking him ashore.

[00:49:27] By noon, he'd barfed carrot chunks on the mayor's shiny shoes, giggling, Pretty confetti! The town bunnies held an intervention, but Bouncy just winked, farted a juice-scented cloud, and bounced off, yelling, Catch me if you can, suckers! That's thematically all over the place. I love, like, animals that talk. Yeah. You know, and I like doing the different voices and finding the silliness,

[00:49:57] but that was, uh, that was not, that was not easy to get through. That's too bad. Jeez. Okay. Keep trying. All right. Well, sorry about that. That's all right, Jack. I'm used to it. I'm surprised. Yeah, I know. Okay. It's a pretty salty language there for Bouncy the bunny. I was a little surprised, to be honest, but maybe kids these days, that's how they talk. I don't know. It's the phones. I blame the screens. Yeah. That is, that is very sad. Well, Brian, that brings us to another episode of Questionable Material.

[00:50:25] What is it you would like people to remember about this episode? About this episode? Yes, or about anything. What's the takeaway, the life takeaway, that you want people thinking about as they close this podcast and open up whatever garbage other thing they're going to listen to? I would like people to remember that it would take 18 years to fly to the sun in a commercial jet plane. Okay. That's an interesting factoid to leave on.

[00:50:55] Thanks, Jack. Yeah, you're welcome. Who taught you that one? Dr. Daryl Cooper, PhD. Huh. Okay. And he told you that way. And how do you have this relationship with this sort of famed historian guy? Like, where did you guys meet? We share similar hobbies. Oh, that's fun. Like World War II, like what reenactment? Like what sort of hobbies? We get liquored up at Artie's Clam Shack. Oh, so your hobbies are eating and abusing alcohol. Yeah.

[00:51:25] Okay. Well, thanks, Brian. That's a good message to leave on. Thank you, Jack. And thank you. That's the same thing. You said the same. How many times have you been to the Clam Shack today? I just actually am at the Clam Shack right now. That's why I've obscured my background. Okay. Well, have a good- I'm going to be honest though. The patrons are tired of being quiet for the last 45 minutes. I can imagine. They're just staring at me now. We need to go.

[00:51:52] Hearing one half of a podcast that cannot be entertaining. No, they don't like it at all. They're angry. Yeah, I bet. Okay. Well, let's end the show as quickly as we can. Daryl said this is how World War I started. That was Questionable Material with Jack and Brian. Subscribe on any podcast platform. Visit us at qmpodcast.com.