The Muppets Go To Springfield

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: It's great, the Mike's right in front of your face. This is perfect Jack.

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: It was so professional. Thank you. I've learned a lot in five years.

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_00]: So, I tell you, speaking of professional jack, great opening.

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much. So, do you remember when I was a professional voiceover talent?

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I do. You did the video game Grand Theft Auto 4. You were one of the voices on

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_01]: one of the radio stations when you were driving around a car as you were one of the voices.

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, Mike Riley, Public Radio Liberty. My Griley Show. But so, I have connections in the video game industry.

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, amazing. And I thought, oh, this would be a great opportunity for Jack Helmuth,

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_00]: which is you to maybe get a gig as a voice in a video game.

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I love me and I love video games. Let's do this. So, I put some feelers out and sure enough

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: for friend of mine sent me a script said we'd love to have Jack audition for this role for this video

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_01]: game because we think he'd be perfect. Now, you got in trouble at the workplace a couple

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_01]: years ago for putting some feelers out. Yeah, but that's a different kind of feeler Jack.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, okay. And HR has nothing to do with this. Okay. God. These are different

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: feelers and this is a good friend of mine who works as a producer in the video game industry.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So, he sent me a script and I think you're going to like this one. It's for a new Star Trek video

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's fun. Called Star Trek into the void. Okay. Cool. That's great. He said, listen,

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: have Jack read these lines of dialogue that are going to be in the video game and if we like it,

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: we're going to hire him. He just needs to be professional. I said, that's great. And they said,

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: we'd like him to read for the role of SPOC. Have you heard of him? Oh, yeah, of course. I've heard

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: of him. Yeah. I mean, formerly Leonard Neymoy, but now possibly you, the voice of SPOC. So,

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh my god, he's going to love that because next to Star Wars, I think Jack is a huge

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Star Trek fan too. I'm a fan. Certainly have the of the old stuff. I can't keep track with all the

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: new stuff. You know, yeah, it is hard. But so Star Trek into the void and I sent you this script.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: This is the dialogue for the video game. You just need to read it professionally, Jack. Well,

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_01]: great. Arthur is my middle name. Star Arthur. Oh, professionalism. Professionalism. Yeah.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. Arthur is, yeah. This is totally different. Yeah. So Arthur, I need you to read in three.

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: You have the script. I sent it to you did it come through the email. Oh, this is this is literally

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_01]: the more proof that why never see this ahead of time. I still had not gone. Please tell me I did not

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: send it to Barney G because that's just I will shoot myself if I sent it if I did that again. Well,

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_01]: it's really hard to read. One first two letters of by really hard to read. Right. Now it looks like I

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: sent it to you. BG. Okay. It's going to you. Yep. That AOL.com. Yep. There is there you go. No, I don't use my AOL

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_01]: count anymore. Are you serious? I haven't used my AOL count 12 years, Brian. Gmail.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Geez. How did that happen? You and I have only talked via Gmail for like over a decade.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Why does my email program do that stupid thing? You're right. There's the Gmail one. Oh my god.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: All right. I'm sending it to you now to the so where has the AOLs going to be really weirded

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: so again, you're not to me as to be professional. Is that is all right? That's right. I send it

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to you not to Barney and not to your old AOL address. I send it to you. Star Trek into the void

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_01]: script. I just have received the email. I've opened the script. I've never read the form of life.

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. You're reading for Spock 3, 2, 1. Star Trek to the void. Captain, I calculate a 91.2%

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_01]: probability that our current course will lead to hostile engagement. I find no logic in concern

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: for my well-being. The mission success remains paramount. Good. Fascinating Captain. Excellent.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: The enemy employees' strategy based on emotion rather than logic. Very good. Captain,

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I would like you to meet my twin brother, Spock. Can't laugh Jack. Sorry, sir. The statistical

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_01]: probability of success is not insignificant. Good. I find the proposition intriguing, Captain.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Excellent. The AOL is at least 300 Earth years old. It would be illogical to proceed without

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_01]: significant lubrication. My phasers calibrated to stun. There's no need for unnecessary force

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_01]: unless the situation escalates. Nice. Hostal force is detected. Their tactics suggest disorganization.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Exploring their lack of coordination may yield favorable results. I know you are, but what am I?

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_01]: The outcome while favorable could have had been achieved with greater efficiency.

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Captain, there are goony and diplomat requests that you pull his finger.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Logitic dates that the greater good must always be prioritized. Emotional attachment may cloud

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_01]: judgment, Captain. Sensors indicate a non-standard energy signature. Good. I can assure you this

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_01]: is above average size. I can assure you this is above average size for a Vulcan.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_01]: It is imperative we remain focused. Push it good. Push it real good. A strategic withdrawal

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_01]: is advisable, Captain. The crew manning the photon torpedoes is currently on their union

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and they are on their hands. I know they're going to come down hard on the breaking character

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_01]: thing. They're really strict about that. I mean, especially as a Vulcan, you cannot be like laughing

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_01]: and getting it like for once, I kind of agree with them. You can't be shoots all about stoicism.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Sounds like a good video game. Sounds like there's quite a deep story in it.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Into the void jack. Into the void. Damn. Well, maybe there'll be another chance.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Alright, hey Brian, let's start the show. Okay.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_03]: You were listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian. A mostly improvised podcast

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_03]: registered New York by Jack Helmeth and Brian Sack.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_01]: You mpodcast.com. Hi Brian. Hello Jack. Hey. I'm pretty good. How are you Jack?

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm good. Thank you. What is new with you? Tell listeners what they need to catch up on.

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm currently at my dad's just helping him help him with stuff around the house.

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. So now your father must be up there in years. He is up there. He's up there in years.

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And your mother is up there in heaven. She's up there in heaven. She pre-deceased my father by

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_01]: quite some time actually. And I mean, anything to the rumors that she wanted to die because of her

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_00]: shame towards one of her children? You know, this has come up before it came up in school.

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Shortly after my teacher announced the class, the death of my mother.

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's just, it's a, it's a really tough memory that because he just said I just want

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to know here Brian's mother is passed away. We don't know why, but I have a feeling I know why.

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_01]: And then he just kind of looked at me in silence. So that hurt. Yeah, bet that her,

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_01]: what, how did, how did other kids sort of react to that? Because you know, where they

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_01]: were they comforting and then they sort of changed their behavior based on this teacher?

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I mean, you know, he realized that he kind of confused the kids. So he had them

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: aligned the hallway and then had me walk down the hallway as all the kids pointed in the

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: left. Well, how is that corrective behavior in his part? He just wanted to make sure they understood

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: that I was to be shamed for my mother's passing. You know, he, he, he, he was at your home

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_01]: as witness. They have strange beliefs. I mean, she had, I mean, it was breast cancer. It wasn't like

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure how that could be traced to you. Yeah. Well, you know, he called it Brian cancer.

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_00]: That happens very pain and strongly suggested that I had something to do with it. I, you

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_00]: know, I was a little young, so I didn't know what to say. I'd been told the teachers were in a

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00]: position of authority and I should respect them and listen to them. So I just kind of went along with it.

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And then of course, the kids turned on me because most children don't want to kill their

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: mummies. Right. And so they looked down on me for that and it was, it was hard to overcome.

[00:08:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, they, they had a moniker at school. Oh, no. Mommy killer. And you know, it was,

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_01]: it was a hard time. Yeah. Like I, I was like big jack because that's a kind of tall and

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_00]: you were, you were mommy killer. I was mommy killer. Yeah. Mom's layer was another one.

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Who were some of the others? Because you, I remember you showed me your high school yearbook,

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_01]: which is a depressing thing, which I don't even want to get into. But, you know, sometimes

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_01]: that like lists the clubs or lists the nicknames and you had like, you know, like a rap sheet,

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_01]: like a George Floyd sized rap sheet on, um, of nicknames and monochers. What were some of the

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: well, there was, there was the mommy killer. There was mom's sl... Mom's layer was an M U as an English kid

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: coined that. So his mom's layer. Sure. The parent trapper because they suggested that I

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: created a trap for the killed my mom. Um, you know, half orphan is what they call me.

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Just, you know, they said, oh, one down, one to go is what they would say that was

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_00]: yeah, I would like, when I would anytime I did any kind of sports in school, they would just say,

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_00]: one down, one to go, one down, one to go. This was from the home. D, this was like you were on their

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_00]: team. Yeah, this was my team. And honestly, I preferred that chant to the normal one, which was,

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: oh, strike out sex, strike out sex, strike out sex, strike out sex, strike out sex. Right. So,

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and which was not it was two things. It was one that they were convinced they would not hit the ball.

[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_00]: And two, they were encouraging the picture to strike me out. So I just couldn't, couldn't win.

[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_00]: It was a hostile environment. That sounds really, but you always preferred road games. Yeah,

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00]: like stick ball. Yeah, kind of show. My games, you know, road games were like a fresh start.

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Because you get to a different school. They don't know who you are. They don't think you killed your

[00:10:55] [SPEAKER_00]: mom or planted cancer on her. And so they just kind of treat you like a normal kid.

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_00]: See, sometimes that's all you want in situations like that. You just want to be treated normal.

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, what sex is there? I'm out there in the outfield. I was in center field.

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Yep. And then you'd see kids from my team handing out leaflets to the opposing teams audience.

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And I just knew what was on them. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[00:11:20] [SPEAKER_00]: You can show. It was just a, it was tough. You know, but I had a few few moments of

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_00]: glory on the road where they didn't know who it was yet and had informed an opinion.

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_00]: That's great. And then, you know, pretty much around the second inning the jeering would start.

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_00]: And you just, you know, no matter what I did, it was just, you know, it was hard. It was a hard time.

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, in the first inning, it was just sort of the normal road game

[00:11:44] [SPEAKER_01]: taunts. It was, you know, boo, we hate you hockey. No bad. I got a whitey. Yeah.

[00:11:50] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, swing batta, swing batta, you wait piece of garbage. Just all this sort of stuff,

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_01]: which is weird, because you grew up in the Boston area in a white neighborhoods. Yeah. But they,

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_00]: what we did, they would bus us to Harlem to play games. That's a log bus. Right. Such as, it was like,

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER_00]: oh, four and a half hours, you get there, you're tired. And then they, they just launched in,

[00:12:11] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, with the, with the racial insults. It was, it was hard. It was a hard time.

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_00]: But again, it was better than the home games. And then when they think he killed your mom,

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_00]: it just, it just brings out the worst in people. Well, it really does. I mean, not as bad as killing

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_01]: your own mother. No, but I do know how Casey Anthony feels kind of. What like super hot?

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_00]: No, I've never felt that, but just more like, you know, how everybody just forms an opinion about

[00:12:40] [SPEAKER_01]: you. Right. Kind of like O. J. Well, I mean, I've always said the, in a Casey Anthony,

[00:12:48] [SPEAKER_01]: you know, she's, she's an attractive woman. I, I've always said that I would never kick her out of

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_01]: for killing my kids. No, I agree. I mean, I agree. Yeah, that's really nice. And I just, again,

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_01]: just to, since we open this painful page in your past, it just to close it up real quick,

[00:13:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I know the, cafeteria politics, you know, the, the lunchroom can be very difficult time in

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_01]: school where there's, you know, who do I sit where my friends and my welcome here? It can be sort of,

[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_01]: it can be lonely at times. It can be wonderful times. There's, there's all sorts of politics.

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_01]: And I know, you know, it was very difficult for you in the lunchroom. Yeah. In your school,

[00:13:28] [SPEAKER_01]: particularly, apparently there are some extreme measures that were enacted. Can you just,

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_01]: just, I want you to be able to get this off your chest. You want to share some of the things that

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_01]: happened to you in the lunchroom? Yeah, I guess. That's okay. It's okay, Brian. It's,

[00:13:41] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, we don't love you, but we want to hear. I'd forgotten about it to be honest. I'd

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_00]: just want to these things you try not to think about. And as you get all of you, just it's a,

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_00]: it's a memory you kind of try to put a happier memory in there. But yeah, there was the,

[00:13:54] [SPEAKER_00]: the plexiglass box. So I, you know, that was the, the principal Mr. Litchfield. So he had,

[00:14:04] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, he had gotten back from Russia. At the time, it was the Soviet Union. And he had picked

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_00]: up on this, the way they're just the system works where you take the party, the defendant,

[00:14:18] [SPEAKER_00]: then you place them in a glass box. Mm-hmm. Just kind of, I don't know, as a little mystique to

[00:14:23] [SPEAKER_00]: the thing. So he had one built for me, which the Arts and Cras Club, Glyphilly did. And so it was,

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_00]: it was basically right towards the end of the, where you pick up your tray? Yeah, of course.

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_00]: So I would eat my, my lunch in there as, and everybody just passing by me and cursing at me

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and spitting and swearing and saying things. But fortunately, because of the plexiglass box,

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't really hear what was being said about me. That's fantastic. And, oh, go ahead.

[00:14:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, so I played a fun game in my head where they were just saying nice things. Oh, that's fun.

[00:15:02] [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, I'd be like, oh, that looks like he's saying fun you. And then I'm like, maybe I'm a fun

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_01]: person. Oh, that's a really nice way to do it. And go to hello. Right. It's just a couple words away from

[00:15:19] [SPEAKER_00]: just a nice kind greeting. Yeah. And if your mommy can's make for early recycling program. Yeah,

[00:15:33] [SPEAKER_01]: well, that's great. And I remember you had some breathing difficulties in there. Yeah,

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_00]: well, because they didn't have a lot of ventilation. So they would tell me like before I walked

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_00]: in and they'd take a deep breath because as you know, the oxygen is limited. And there's no

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_00]: open Zs for the next 25 minutes. So they'd close that plexiglass and you could hear the seal.

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_00]: It was just a lot of silicone. And it sealed. And then, yeah, so I knew I had about 25

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_00]: minutes. I had to kind of be very careful about my eating. You didn't want to rush it because

[00:16:07] [SPEAKER_00]: you go too fast and you're breathing too much, consuming oxygen. I did pass out one time like at

[00:16:14] [SPEAKER_00]: the 22 minute mark fell right into my sloppy Joe and it came to right before they opened the door

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and again, some fresh air. There were tough times. It was hard to do. It was, you know, it's hard

[00:16:27] [SPEAKER_00]: for your mother dies. It's harder when they blame you for it and put you in a plexiglass box.

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, that is hilarious. Thank you for telling us about the old days.

[00:16:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, Jack. Well, and I hope you have a good time up there with your, with your pops.

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I am. We are just bonding. No, I don't want to talk about him anymore or you or this.

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_00]: End the segment. All right. Jack. Right. Just sent you another script for video game dialogue.

[00:17:01] [SPEAKER_00]: This is our defense. To get you a gig as a voiceover in video games. There's money there,

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Jack. I've done it before. It's great. It's great. I love it. Tell me, yes, let's do this.

[00:17:12] [SPEAKER_00]: So this one is called the, is it's, are you familiar with the elder scrolls?

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I am familiar with the elder scrolls. I love the elder scrolls. You like the elder scrolls. Good.

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_00]: This video game is called Elder Scrolls Eternal. Love it. And you would be reading for one of the

[00:17:27] [SPEAKER_01]: characters in the Elder Scrolls game. Very briefly, 10 seconds. How do you describe Elder Scrolls

[00:17:34] [SPEAKER_01]: the game to people who don't know. Dungeons and Dragonsy. Yes. Kind of like a, yeah. It's like that

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_00]: little fantasy. You know, you got your monsters and orcs and things. And you can be a warrior. You could

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_01]: wizard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you like to be? I'm always a rogue. I love being a thief.

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_01]: And I joined the thieves guild. Me too. Oh, that's fun. Stealing. Yes. And then I just went the whole game

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_00]: stealing. I can't help but I did. Yeah. I get really good at stealing. You just steal everything. Me too.

[00:18:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I just ping back in everybody. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. That's weird. Okay. No. Then I use my,

[00:18:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I hit the white privilege button and I get away every time. It's good for you. Thank you. I'm glad

[00:18:14] [SPEAKER_00]: that's a great feature. All right. Yeah. Here's your chance, Jack for this video game. I have

[00:18:20] [SPEAKER_01]: opened the script. I've never read this porn my life. Three, two, one Elder Scrolls eternal.

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Unless you've got a letter signed by the Kingdomself, you're not getting through these gates.

[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_01]: The magic eye holds secrets that have been driven even the wisest of us to madness. Very nice.

[00:18:39] [SPEAKER_01]: It is true that Glondor has placed Flando or Underseed. If he captures the Citadel of Blondor

[00:18:46] [SPEAKER_01]: and drinks from the Golden Chalves of Rondor, then that's it for the Mexicans. In Rifton,

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_01]: everything has a price even loyalty. I have thought, thank you. I have thought from white

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_01]: run to Windhelm. I've crossed blades with Imperials, elves, even the Dam Dragons. But none of them

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_01]: is a secret that Ulrich would tremble to know. That Dragon's cholesterol is off the charts.

[00:19:23] [SPEAKER_01]: You are about a flicker of light before the darkness consumes Skyrim. Believe all women,

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I shall not rest until every Imperial has had a lands up their bum. No. You are about a pawn

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_01]: in a game far beyond your understanding. You will serve me whether by will or by force.

[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_01]: But do not worry, I reward my servants well when they amuse me. Believe all women.

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_01]: The roads to white run aren't as safe as they once were. Bandits roam like wolves and trust

[00:20:01] [SPEAKER_01]: me, they don't give quarter. Three hundred gold pieces, five rubies, two diamonds,

[00:20:09] [SPEAKER_01]: a potion of fire resistance, and a gift certificate to the Olive Garden. You are a fleeting

[00:20:15] [SPEAKER_01]: breath in the wind, a mortal who dares to challenge the eternal. Aldo and his failed you,

[00:20:21] [SPEAKER_01]: prepared to be made retarded. That magic is bad. I was scary, wizard. You'd be wise to keep

[00:20:30] [SPEAKER_01]: clear of the boroughs west of here. They have a hunger for lost souls, they say,

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I serve no one. I listen to no one. I believe all women. If you are a loved one,

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: suffers from misocyliuma, call the number on my shield. I read great. You did. I could have

[00:20:58] [SPEAKER_00]: thought I was playing Skyrim right now. But you know how they are, you gotta be professional all

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_01]: the time. They're just not flexible these people. Yeah. All right well, come and get another chance.

[00:21:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Skyrim eternal, I'm sure you'll get another chance. Oh, God bless. You know, Brian, we haven't

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_01]: something on this podcast in a long time that we used to do a lot. And that is make love in the woods.

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_01]: That's true. That's true. I figured it would be great for people just to, if they can't see it,

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_01]: to listen to two straight men, make love in the woods for the benefit of a comedy podcast.

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: That it just sounds funny. It's right. It's just a great bit. Just a crickets and the birds

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and then just the slid, those noises that you make, the sloppy things. It's a great idea.

[00:21:51] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, alternatively we could do, you know, remember how we used to um, I look at old screen

[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_01]: plays that you've written sort of, yeah, but I know that you're a prolific movie writer and I'm a

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_01]: man machine. Yeah. Oh, right, you really are, I will, I will say that you are a writing machine.

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_01]: You've got scores of unpublished screen plays, scores of screen plays in various stages of

[00:22:17] [SPEAKER_01]: development. I know you've sold a bunch of movies. You write under all sorts of pseudnims.

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_01]: You're, you're just incredible. And so I was able to, as I actually talked into your wife

[00:22:26] [SPEAKER_01]: the other day, I was talking to Adder because obviously she can't speak back because I talk

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_01]: in English. But she, she sent me a link to your desktop and I was able to read some of the

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I thought it would be fun if you would just tell us about the screen plays that you've written.

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_01]: And to, you know, tell us, yeah, maybe who's going to be in it or so? The most importantly,

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_01]: the plot, what happens in these movies because some of the titles are so interesting to me.

[00:22:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I just can't wait to hear about them. Yeah, sure. I'd love to. I mean, it's a little invasive,

[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_00]: but I like to share my creativity with you. Well, that's, that's beautiful. Thank you very much.

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, the, the first one, I mean, this sounds so much fun. You know, sort of a, a big blockbuster type

[00:23:09] [SPEAKER_01]: of a movie. You wrote the screenplay, Godzilla versus Kong versus Cramer versus Cramer. Yes.

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01]: It sounds maybe across universe thing I'm fascinated to tell us about that movie. Well,

[00:23:23] [SPEAKER_00]: it's about, you know, of course, the two legendary monsters from sci-fi fiction, whatever you want to

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_00]: for defamation. Because Kong and his, his people accused Godzilla of murdering people and

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_00]: was claiming that everything, Kong did was in self-defense and and justified where Godzilla said,

[00:23:54] [SPEAKER_00]: no, Kong's a murderer and stubborn all over people. And I'm just a big old dinosaur type thing

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and it's my fault. So they get representation. Yep. But one, Cramer and the other Cramer.

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_00]: They're going at it this time. And it's not about, yeah, to go ahead and record. They're both

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_00]: attorneys representing one represents Godzilla, the Dustin Hoffman character represents,

[00:24:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and then the Merrill Street one represents the King Kong. Of course, you know, Dustin Hoffman

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_00]: and Merrill Street, they're, they've aged out. Yeah. Yeah. So of course it's going to be,

[00:24:35] [SPEAKER_00]: it's cast differently. Oh, it's Justin Bieber. Because Justin and Dustin rhymed and that's where

[00:24:44] [SPEAKER_00]: it came to mind. So I really pushed for that. And then obviously Taylor Swift will play

[00:24:50] [SPEAKER_00]: the role of the Madam Cramer. Representing Kong. That's, it's interesting. I, okay,

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_01]: because I remember Cramer being about divorce and, you know, fighting for children. So that's

[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_00]: very interesting to me. Yeah, no, they both got law degrees. And so now they're lawyers and

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_00]: they represent monsters. It's a niche, it's a niche legal profession. Wow. Yeah, because a lot of

[00:25:19] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, oh, I'm going to be a copyright attorney. Oh, intellectual property or I'm going

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to be a real estate attorney or a state planning. No, I figured, no, this is different. They represent

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_00]: monsters. So like I want to represent Freddie Kruger. I want to represent, you know, the Jason

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_00]: yeah, I did the 13th. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, it's a lot of, they represent monsters. It just

[00:25:45] [SPEAKER_00]: happened to be in court battling it out with one another. And they're of course they're divorced.

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_01]: So they're very unhappy with each other. I do, yeah, so a lot of sharp dialogue and witty repartais.

[00:25:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and just like little aside's here and there. So now do King Collin, Godzilla,

[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_01]: like are they, are they in the courtroom? Are they sort of seated next to Justin and Taylor? Yes.

[00:26:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Hmm. Yep. It seems okay. So how do some of the like preliminary hearing stuff go? That's

[00:26:17] [SPEAKER_00]: sort of thing. Well, they have to have the, you know, obviously, they have to relocate the courtroom.

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Because a traditional courtroom, I know does not accommodate Godzilla or King Collin. He's a very large

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: monsters. And so they, they moved it to the Gillette stadium.

[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's, so the, the trial takes place in the Gillette stadium and the monster takes

[00:26:41] [SPEAKER_00]: most of the field. And then the attorneys are kind of up in the hot, the nosebleeds seats

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_00]: right. I level with their monster clients. Yeah. Yeah. And then the jury is in over in the press box.

[00:26:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And then the guy who plays Oregon in between, you know, the different like in between like,

[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, when people are giving their statements and things like that. So that's a little

[00:27:04] [SPEAKER_00]: character in color to the film. Right. I was, you're on her. I'm no further questions.

[00:27:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

[00:27:15] [SPEAKER_01]: so yeah, it's just kind of adds a lot of energy to the scenes. It sounds energetic. That's great. And so

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_01]: you know, it's, it's, it's a very procedural, um, you know, where it's, it's sort of like a

[00:27:29] [SPEAKER_01]: episode of like law and order. I mean, you've got, got Dylan Kong sitting there. What's that like?

[00:27:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, um, obviously, there's a lot of shouting and roaring. And that sort of leads it up to interpretation.

[00:27:43] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, so you'll be like Mr. Zilla, did you recall, you know, the 13th of October

[00:27:53] [SPEAKER_00]: 1984, uh, smushing three people in a Volkswagen beetle.

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Rrrr! And then it's kind of up to the jury and the lawyers and to discern what that means.

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_00]: And then, of course, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_00]: just kind of to break it up. If we, because it can be disconcerting the shouting and the

[00:28:21] [SPEAKER_00]: door from Japan, it doesn't that make it more disconcerting. It does add, it adds a lot of,

[00:28:29] [SPEAKER_00]: it adds a lot of tension. It's a very tense movie. You're very, yeah,

[00:28:32] [SPEAKER_00]: watching this is very hard for people. It's very hard for people to relax and if you have

[00:28:36] [SPEAKER_01]: tonight, it's horrible. Yeah, it sounds, well, it sounds horrible for people with any stage of

[00:28:47] [SPEAKER_00]: any level of hearing. Yeah, I know it's, it's, it's, it's, I'll be honest, it's going to be a

[00:28:51] [SPEAKER_01]: movie for people to watch. I guess, so what, you know, how does it, what's the climax of the movie?

[00:29:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, um, you know, I was like, how can I bring this? How can I close this film? And that's,

[00:29:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and I, so I have the cramers fall in love again. Oh, because what I was thinking is like,

[00:29:11] [SPEAKER_00]: might set up for a sequel where they get divorced again. That's cool, because it'll be cram

[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_00]: versus crammer without Godzilla or Godzilla or King Kong. Right, or just call it just the cramers.

[00:29:25] [SPEAKER_01]: The cramers. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, if they're not against each other, I guess you could just call it,

[00:29:30] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, cram or end cram or end cram or end cram or cram or equals cram or and it shows them

[00:29:36] [SPEAKER_00]: having a baby. That's, it showed what even bitch by it shows them having a baby. Well,

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_00]: he's just put, you can see she's pushing and then just this thing bursts out of her, you know,

[00:29:52] [SPEAKER_00]: another region's. But here's the twist. Oh, I love twists. Kind of looks like King Kong.

[00:30:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

[00:30:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and is it true that you actually wrote a post credit sequence with Michael Richards? Yes.

[00:30:14] [SPEAKER_01]: What, why what's the, I mean, I know I hate to give it away, but what happens in the post credit

[00:30:19] [SPEAKER_00]: sequence? Well, he's like there's more than those cramers. This one is what he says. And he just kind of

[00:30:26] [SPEAKER_00]: does this weird shuffle and then exits the delivery room. But he's covered in placenta for the

[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_01]: comedy. And is it true that there's a, a black doctor that he has an awkward interaction with?

[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Yep. It just kind of steers at him and then just says I'm really sorry.

[00:30:51] [SPEAKER_01]: And leaves the room. Oh, at least, at least he's trying to make up for it. Yeah, I feel like he's,

[00:30:57] [SPEAKER_01]: you know, he's paid his dues. Well, Brian, it sounds like, it sounds like a mess, but maybe a

[00:31:04] [SPEAKER_00]: commercial success. We'll see. You know, fingers crossed for a commercial success. That would be nice.

[00:31:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Fingers crossed, speaking of finances that that sort of ties into the next screenplay that I wanted to

[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_01]: ask you about, you know, there's a lot of sort of tie in product placement movies, you know,

[00:31:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Jerry Seinfeld recently had that pop-tarp movie. There's, you know, even Barbie,

[00:31:26] [SPEAKER_01]: things like that that are just based on toys and it's like, well, we'll write a movie around the toy.

[00:31:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Yep. The Lego movie was certainly successful in actually excellent. Yeah. But you have the Discover

[00:31:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Card movie. Yes. Ah, boy, that's, that seems like a stretch man. Tell me, tell me about the Discover

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Card movie. Well, I was kind of inspired by the elephant man because, you know, here's this card

[00:31:54] [SPEAKER_00]: that nobody understands. People kind of afraid of it. They look at it kind of like, I just,

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_00]: doesn't belong. It doesn't fit. And so I thought, why not? Wouldn't that be cool if you,

[00:32:07] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, there was a movie centered around a Discover Card. Yeah. It just wants to fit in.

[00:32:12] [SPEAKER_00]: That just wants to be the, you know, to fit in with the visa, the mastercard, the American Express.

[00:32:18] [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, and I thought, oh, yeah, that's a perfect idea for a movie.

[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, okay. So I wrote the Discover Card movie.

[00:32:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Is it, is it animated? Is it live action? Is it he is he was there. They're actually like

[00:32:32] [SPEAKER_01]: little credit card people or, or is it people using the card? I tell him, tell us all about it. Well,

[00:32:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you know, I wanted to go the animation. We would have thought that would be great. You know,

[00:32:40] [SPEAKER_00]: CGI is so developed these days, but very, very expensive. True. And time consuming.

[00:32:48] [SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, it's like, okay, well, yeah, maybe that's not the way to do it. You know, I looked

[00:32:52] [SPEAKER_00]: in the raising money for it. I did a Kickstarter, but I only got $28 by the time the Kickstarter ended.

[00:32:58] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's not enough to do CGI. No, it's sure it's, you know, it's expensive. So I just went with live

[00:33:06] [SPEAKER_00]: action. Okay. And it's just a gentleman and he's got to discover card just kind of on his forehead

[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_00]: to represent the discover card. Oh, okay. So, you know, it's it's it's set in Seattle

[00:33:23] [SPEAKER_00]: because I think that's where when Harry and Matt Sally were that came from.

[00:33:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, sleepless and Seattle. That's the one. Yeah, sleepless and when Harry,

[00:33:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Harry couldn't sleep and then Sally, because she was she had sleep apnea. So it's set in Seattle.

[00:33:44] [SPEAKER_00]: This is where CPAP machines sort of blew up. Yeah. Yeah. You know how the movie

[00:33:50] [SPEAKER_00]: sideways kind of killed more low sales? Yeah, absolutely. But sleepless and Seattle like boosted

[00:33:56] [SPEAKER_00]: CPAP sales. Like crazy. I remember that. And that was, you know, that was before we fadshamed.

[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_01]: That's it. I remember Meg Ryan put on a lot of weight. She put it down away. Yeah, because she

[00:34:09] [SPEAKER_00]: didn't have sleep apnea and she was a method actor. That's right. So she wanted to be more

[00:34:13] [SPEAKER_00]: would be obese and have her airways shut down when she was sleeping. So she would eight, if it

[00:34:20] [SPEAKER_01]: very coloric diet. That's great. Well, do you remember what Meg Ryan would eat to prepare for that

[00:34:25] [SPEAKER_00]: role? Yeah. Well, it was, it was the Akins diet, but it was the Jeffrey Akins diet, which is the

[00:34:33] [SPEAKER_00]: twin brother who has no medical experience. What a Jeff Adkins tell it to eat. It was all as

[00:34:39] [SPEAKER_00]: basically centered around pretzels. There's a lot of emphasis on pretzels. Wow. Yeah.

[00:34:49] [SPEAKER_01]: How much pretzel would Meg Ryan eat a day leading up to sleepless in Seattle? I mean, she

[00:34:54] [SPEAKER_00]: well, you've seen the, you've seen the, it's, it's pretzels. Yeah, of course. You've seen the logo.

[00:34:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. That's Meg Ryan. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So they, she bought so many that they're like, they're

[00:35:06] [SPEAKER_00]: like holy crap. I'm just gonna, the guy, the guy, initially it was like the, the logo was his daughter.

[00:35:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And he's like, you know what? She's done nothing for me. She's actually a drain on my finances.

[00:35:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Meg, you've made us so much money. I'm making you the Uttis girl. Wow. So you know so much about

[00:35:22] [SPEAKER_00]: movies. Yeah. So they made her, yes, sleepless in Seattle. That's so identical. So super,

[00:35:28] [SPEAKER_01]: so you decide to set your Discover card movie. See, Ed, because I've another movie was one sentence.

[00:35:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. Yeah. You know, and so it was fine. I'd never been to Seattle. So I kind of,

[00:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, there are obviously mistakes in the film. Like what? Well, there's a Eiffel Tower

[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_00]: seen and you know, I know now what I know, but you know, back then it's to me it could have been in

[00:35:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Seattle. Sure. So you know, you have that. I know Disney World is not in Seattle. So that whole magic mountain

[00:36:02] [SPEAKER_00]: chase scene is kind of, you know, out of place. But you know, it's, it's film. You know, you just kind

[00:36:08] [SPEAKER_00]: of, you just go along with it. Suspension of disbelief is what's important in film. I guess what,

[00:36:13] [SPEAKER_01]: what sort of epic scene was required for a Discover card movie at the Eiffel Tower? Well,

[00:36:20] [SPEAKER_00]: it's that there's a guy who wants to propose to his girlfriend and what's more romantic than the

[00:36:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Eiffel Tower. Not nothing more than the Eiffel Tower. Yeah. So he gets down on one knee to propose

[00:36:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and then an Algerian immigrant blows himself up and kills several people in the periphery.

[00:36:42] [SPEAKER_00]: And so they get up and they start running their panic, of course. As with, you know, when they

[00:36:46] [SPEAKER_00]: have these extremists do stuff like that. And then of course, the French hard ride is like,

[00:36:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I told you so they're all screaming in French from the top of the Eiffel Tower. We told you this

[00:36:56] [SPEAKER_00]: would happen. The guys, the guys running with his, what he wanted to be his fiance,

[00:37:01] [SPEAKER_00]: realizes he lost the ring. Oh, no. Bumps into Discover card.

[00:37:08] [SPEAKER_00]: And he's like, you've got to help me. You've got to help me. I was about to propose the

[00:37:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Algerian nutjob just blew himself up, killed the ton of people. I lost my ring in the chaos and

[00:37:19] [SPEAKER_00]: the Discover card is like, yeah, well, let's go find a place that accepts me. And so then,

[00:37:25] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, it's kind of like this, you know, you basically get a tour of Seattle. Well,

[00:37:29] [SPEAKER_01]: so the rest of the movie is just looking for a place that accepts Discover cards pretty much.

[00:37:34] [SPEAKER_00]: It's, you know, a lot of kind of like, you know, running up to a door, looking at the sign

[00:37:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to door the stickers and you see like, you know, the hopeful look in their eyes like, yeah,

[00:37:42] [SPEAKER_00]: okay, I see the visa symbol. Okay, you see an extra card. American Express. And then you can

[00:37:46] [SPEAKER_00]: see in the eyes, you know, they use the sadness that leaves their face. And then they just kind of

[00:37:51] [SPEAKER_00]: grab one another and then just move on to the next location. But, oh, well, of course,

[00:37:58] [SPEAKER_00]: eventually he gets to a place and sees the symbol. And he's, they're like, look at one another

[00:38:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and they're so happy. And they just hug and they jump up and down and they enter.

[00:38:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And then, you know, then they have to decide, you know, what kind of CBD gummies they wanted

[00:38:17] [SPEAKER_00]: my to turn into a ring. Yeah. Oh, the Seattle. So you only place that takes Discover was the CBD

[00:38:28] [SPEAKER_00]: gummies shop. Yeah. So that was, that was my movie. Okay, I'm it's, it sounds, uh,

[00:38:38] [SPEAKER_00]: inconsistent, but compelling. I'm excited for it. And I really hope, you know, I hope it does

[00:38:44] [SPEAKER_01]: well when it gets made if it gets made. Um, I, well, I, I'm sure it will. That's, you know,

[00:38:50] [SPEAKER_01]: you've got corporate behind behind you. So I'm sure it's going to, I'm sure it's going to go

[00:38:54] [SPEAKER_00]: well. I have, I have AMX and Visa and Mastercard pushing for it crazy. Uh,

[00:39:02] [SPEAKER_01]: well, great. I hope it happens for you, pal. Thank you, Jack. The last move I wanted to ask you

[00:39:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Brian, um, the screenplay is the written that you know, I don't know what your obsession with these

[00:39:13] [SPEAKER_01]: guys is. But, um, you wrote a movie called The Muppets Visit Springfield, Ohio? Yes. Wow, Brad,

[00:39:22] [SPEAKER_01]: that seems, um, fresh and it seems topical. And so it's amazing that you haven't written down. It's

[00:39:28] [SPEAKER_01]: almost like you saw it coming. Um, and but again, I, like how many Muppet movies can one man write

[00:39:34] [SPEAKER_01]: dude? I, you know, they mean a lot to me. Go ahead, uh, Brian and uh, tell us what happened in the movie

[00:39:42] [SPEAKER_00]: The Muppets Visit Springfield? Well, um, you know, the usual Muppet gang. Uh, you know, I was trying,

[00:39:50] [SPEAKER_00]: okay, where could they have their hijinks? And there's, you know, so many different places. Like,

[00:39:53] [SPEAKER_00]: what if they were basically moved to Springfield? Yep, a lot of hijinks. Because they're looking

[00:40:00] [SPEAKER_00]: for, you know, new jobs. There may be a more affordable housing. Because, you know, New York's very

[00:40:06] [SPEAKER_00]: expensive. So they get out of the, they move west. They head over to Springfield, Ohio. And they

[00:40:13] [SPEAKER_00]: they move into a building, apartment complex. It's a kind of a low income thing. It's how they're

[00:40:17] [SPEAKER_00]: entry level apart. They don't, they don't intend to stay there for a long time. Sure. Uh, and then

[00:40:22] [SPEAKER_00]: they, you know, they get to know their neighbors. Yeah. A lot of the neighbors are from Haiti. Uh,

[00:40:27] [SPEAKER_00]: this country and the, uh, down in the ocean. Sure. And, uh, and so they get to know their Haitian

[00:40:34] [SPEAKER_00]: neighbors. And it's all about bonding. And then they're very friendly with them. Oh, that's nice.

[00:40:39] [SPEAKER_00]: That's sweet. They're lovely people. They're very sweet. And they they introduce the Muppets to the

[00:40:44] [SPEAKER_00]: to Voodoo and ritual sacrifice and of chickens. And, um, you know, they just kind of like

[00:40:51] [SPEAKER_00]: they, they just bring a whole new character to the, to the Muppets. Because they're

[00:40:55] [SPEAKER_00]: aren't really, you know, the Muppets are very kind of, you know, naive in many ways. Yeah, of course.

[00:41:01] [SPEAKER_00]: They, they, they, they try to like yeah. And so there's a, there's a funny scene where this woman,

[00:41:10] [SPEAKER_00]: she's, she's out of her head on a, a trunk. Uh, she's just, she's crazy on trunk and she sees Miss

[00:41:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Peggy starts, uh, chasing Miss Piggy with a machete. And, you know, it sounds funny so far.

[00:41:24] [SPEAKER_00]: You can imagine, you know, the hijinks and, and, and how, and how Miss Piggy would be, you know,

[00:41:33] [SPEAKER_01]: do you have a Haitian at their front door right now? There's the dog's barking at something.

[00:41:38] [SPEAKER_00]: She's chasing Miss Piggy. So she's chasing Miss Piggy with a machete and they're running

[00:41:43] [SPEAKER_00]: down the street. Miss Piggy is a course group. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, don't kill me.

[00:41:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Girl, go, go, go, go, go. Gucky monster.

[00:41:54] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it's just, no, don't kill, don't kill, bad, no, go, bad.

[00:41:58] [SPEAKER_00]: He's not more articulate because he really could have saved her.

[00:42:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, no. She doesn't make it. Wow. We don't really get into that because I wanted to keep

[00:42:09] [SPEAKER_00]: the G rating. Yeah. So I will say that she no longer appears in the movie. But then what's

[00:42:19] [SPEAKER_00]: funny is like, then it's also during a political time for highly polarized political time.

[00:42:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And then it starts getting suggested that these Haitians ate Miss Piggy and your

[00:42:36] [SPEAKER_00]: lady on track. And so they realized, okay, Miss Piggy's gone. We're not sure what happened

[00:42:43] [SPEAKER_00]: to her wink wink. But we do know that trink is the culprit and not the Haitians. So

[00:42:49] [SPEAKER_00]: we need to do is find the person who dealt the trink. Oh, bring him to justice and send

[00:42:56] [SPEAKER_00]: the video to J.D. Vance. It was a contender for Vice President of the United States in

[00:43:03] [SPEAKER_00]: my film. Where do you come up with this stuff? I just draw from real life, fake life,

[00:43:08] [SPEAKER_00]: everything. You know, it's all my lived experiences. I can't argue with lived experiences.

[00:43:14] [SPEAKER_00]: So the movie progresses and they find out the person who's sold the trink. Okay. And it

[00:43:22] [SPEAKER_00]: turns out to have been a Haitian. So as a whole new monkey ranch into the faith kind of

[00:43:27] [SPEAKER_00]: like, because that kind of that screws everything up for them because they were like trying

[00:43:31] [SPEAKER_00]: to make the Haitians look good. Now it looks bad because it's illegal immigrant actually

[00:43:35] [SPEAKER_00]: sold the trink that made the crazy lady, possibly eat Miss Piggy and sell there's a,

[00:43:42] [SPEAKER_00]: they know, and there's a dilemma. Do we kill this guy on video? Go pro or do you know,

[00:43:48] [SPEAKER_00]: do we just let him go? Do we try to get him deported? And so in the end, they decide

[00:43:55] [SPEAKER_00]: they just need to get him deported as punishment for selling trink. Very. In a way,

[00:44:01] [SPEAKER_01]: that doesn't feel muppity. Now was this woman that they discover? Do I remember re,

[00:44:08] [SPEAKER_01]: because I did, I peaked it a few pages and I can lie. I saw something about how she was the woman

[00:44:14] [SPEAKER_01]: who sold the drugs that killed Matthew Perry. Is that really in your movie? It is. Yeah.

[00:44:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I like trying to loop in current events. I guess so. I guess so. And how does like

[00:44:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Ralph the dog? I know he has a very, I'm sort of a very humorous scene as well in the movie.

[00:44:35] [SPEAKER_01]: You know also voiced at one point by the late Jim Henson. Who voices Ralph the dog in this movie?

[00:44:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, it was going to be James Earl Jones. Oh, shoot. Yeah.

[00:44:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Jim Lined, if he said I'm so excited, my heart could explode. And I was like, you know,

[00:44:57] [SPEAKER_00]: to have the guy who did Darth Vader, do you do our dog Ralph the dog would be phenomenal? Yeah.

[00:45:04] [SPEAKER_00]: But you know that's it's fine. We got Bill Burr. Yeah, okay. Okay. So to tell us the scene,

[00:45:18] [SPEAKER_01]: so Ralph the dog, I'm voiced by Bill Burr has just a very, very sort of classic

[00:45:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Muppety moment there in Springfield. What happens in that moment? Well, he's like,

[00:45:30] [SPEAKER_00]: fair, he permits like listen, I need you to help me find my girlfriend. Yep. And he's

[00:45:37] [SPEAKER_00]: yeah, show helpers. You have a good sense of smell. I know dogs have a very powerful sense of smell.

[00:45:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Can you, you know, can you sue? So he took a Miss Piggy's hairbrush and he let Ralph sniff it.

[00:45:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah. I got that sent down. We'll find it. We'll find it. And so it's just, you know,

[00:45:51] [SPEAKER_00]: basically him wandering around sniffing, sniffing around and the various things that they find

[00:45:58] [SPEAKER_00]: in the ground. So he sniffed any kind of pot at it's a piece of dirt in the ground. And then

[00:46:03] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, dig it up. And it would be like an old skeleton and stuff. But it was never Miss Piggy.

[00:46:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. But what they do is they realize there's a mass murderer in Springfield.

[00:46:15] [SPEAKER_00]: My gosh. We've been burying bodies all over the place. Wow. Yeah. Who's the murderer?

[00:46:23] [SPEAKER_01]: It's a Haitian guy. This seems very problematic and politicized and I don't know,

[00:46:35] [SPEAKER_00]: doesn't even feel right. It doesn't feel right. And I actually, I did change it to a Haitian guy

[00:46:40] [SPEAKER_00]: because I felt like there was an opportunity for me to get a lot of publicity with the film.

[00:46:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. Then it could be picked up by some political persuasion and used as a cudgel.

[00:46:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So initially, you know, it was the mass murderer was Schlomo Rabinoz

[00:47:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and then I was like, no, I'm going to make him Haitian.

[00:47:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. Well, very good. And just the last thing before we move on,

[00:47:12] [SPEAKER_01]: I know Ralph sort of discovers the, the Ralph the dog discovers the identity of the killer in a very

[00:47:18] [SPEAKER_01]: muppity way. It a very silly way. So fun. Just remind sharing that with us real quick.

[00:47:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. So he's, he's, you know, he sniffing around and sniffing around and then they kind of

[00:47:32] [SPEAKER_00]: they see like the scent brings him to a door. And yeah. So they all kind of like get lean up very

[00:47:39] [SPEAKER_00]: finally like up against the door and they're all listening their ears, plaster to it. And I just

[00:47:43] [SPEAKER_00]: muppets, they hear like this creole French strange dialect and they just kind of look at one another.

[00:47:51] [SPEAKER_00]: And they're like, that doesn't sound like American talk. And they're like, no, you're right.

[00:47:57] [SPEAKER_00]: And then you just hear breach and then the police department blows open the door. The shotgun

[00:48:04] [SPEAKER_00]: that they got as part of the department of Homeland Security handing out all sorts of military hardware.

[00:48:12] [SPEAKER_00]: This combat shotgun takes down the door. One shot. Oh, and then there's this guy just standing

[00:48:19] [SPEAKER_00]: there like he's like, you know, I need to just scream me in French. Yes, I did it. Yes, I did it.

[00:48:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know man. I'm going to be honest with you. It doesn't feel muppity.

[00:48:31] [SPEAKER_00]: The muppets in the medic universe is very malleable. Okay. In my opinion. Fair, fair.

[00:48:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. I guess that's fair. Now you were saying that I'm riled that the Ralph Adog

[00:48:44] [SPEAKER_01]: had smelled this pig's hairbrush and do you had sort of like an alternate scene sort of like a

[00:48:49] [SPEAKER_01]: a B story where Gonso the Great is also trying to find her but he smells her panties. Yes,

[00:48:54] [SPEAKER_00]: because that big nose. Yeah, exactly. Really smell things. So he's sniffing around and he's like,

[00:49:02] [SPEAKER_00]: he's like, I think I found Miss Piggy and so they sneak into this house and they can't go

[00:49:10] [SPEAKER_00]: upstairs. He's just sniffing, he's like, yes, definitely has definitely heard and then they will

[00:49:14] [SPEAKER_00]: get into the bedroom person's sleeping. They flip on the lights. Yeah. And it's like a 500 pound

[00:49:23] [SPEAKER_01]: million. So he does in a way find Miss Piggy. Yeah. It's great. There's a muppet shared

[00:49:36] [SPEAKER_01]: cinematic universe and a Brian shared cinematic universe and I really respect that. Thank you, Jack.

[00:49:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Brian, thank you for sharing all your movies. May we all enjoy them at the Cinoplex's

[00:49:47] [SPEAKER_00]: for years to come. Thank you, Jack. Peace be upon you. Okay. Jack. Brian, you know there's

[00:49:55] [SPEAKER_00]: money to be made video games. We've discussed this earlier in the show. So I'll send you another

[00:50:00] [SPEAKER_00]: script for a new video game. Okay. No call of duty, you familiar with that first person shooter

[00:50:05] [SPEAKER_01]: franchise. I play Call of Duty all the time. I play Call of Duty with some of my community and

[00:50:10] [SPEAKER_01]: friends including one of somewhere now. You never play with me. You know, we said we're going to

[00:50:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and I would love. Well, let's play and the next there to it. Okay. So this is Call of Duty 16. They're

[00:50:25] [SPEAKER_00]: my friend who's a producer. I get you definitely have Jack read for this. Just be professional

[00:50:29] [SPEAKER_01]: please and they say it will be trust me. It's the first person shooter. It's sort of a hyper-realistic

[00:50:36] [SPEAKER_00]: war game based word. Yeah, she went around with a rifle. She shouldn't have people. Cool. Okay.

[00:50:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. Three, Jack. Now if you like being a rogue in the D&D game, what do you like being in this game?

[00:50:48] [SPEAKER_01]: Um, I mean, I'm not as good in as fast as some of these kids who can just kill. So I'm, you know,

[00:50:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a little bit more cautious. You're a sniper. I am a sniper. I'm always a sniper. Yeah.

[00:51:03] [SPEAKER_00]: There you go. Oh, see? Oh, I guess that old guys have to do it. Howard's. Yeah. So I'm hiding in the

[00:51:08] [SPEAKER_01]: rafters picking people off the right. Exactly. Right. Okay. Oh, man. Okay. Cool. Take it away.

[00:51:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. I've never had this born my life. Three, two, one. Call of duty 16. Bravo team,

[00:51:19] [SPEAKER_01]: do you copy? We've got hospitals moving on your position. Secure the objective before they

[00:51:23] [SPEAKER_01]: breach the perimeter. Great. Roger that commander. We're moving in. Stay sharp team. This could

[00:51:30] [SPEAKER_01]: get messy. Better buy some doubt-loadable content. Contact. Engage with the machine gun. You can

[00:51:39] [SPEAKER_01]: only get a few purchase downloadable content. I've got eyes on three tangos, second floor balcony.

[00:51:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I intercepted their comms and it looks like they're talking about how awesome the downloadable

[00:51:50] [SPEAKER_01]: content is. Target's down. Pass should be clear, but watch after IEDs that you could make

[00:51:57] [SPEAKER_01]: disappear for only 7.99. We're in the hot zone now. They've got drones sweeping the area for

[00:52:04] [SPEAKER_01]: people who haven't purchased downloadable content. Bravo team, be advised, enemy of reinforcements

[00:52:10] [SPEAKER_01]: are inbound and they have the advantage of having purchased downloadable content.

[00:52:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Hmm. Extraction copter is inbound. This would be a good time to purchase downloadable content.

[00:52:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Hostels inside, RPG on the Catwalk. Boy, you sure could get a lot of downloadable content

[00:52:26] [SPEAKER_01]: for only 27.99. We've got multiple hostels closing in from the south. We're pin down.

[00:52:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Take that sniper out or we're going to be dented and with the use in it a bathtub.

[00:52:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Four days. Weird. Hold the line until reinforcements arrive. Do not let them reach the

[00:52:48] [SPEAKER_01]: intel. Take that sniper out or we're going to be dented and with the use in this daughter in

[00:52:54] [SPEAKER_01]: a bathtub. Good work, Bravo team. Target neutralized. You get $3 off downloadable content for the

[00:53:07] [SPEAKER_01]: 30 minutes. Extraction is inbound. Mission accomplished. The president sends his regards and wants

[00:53:15] [SPEAKER_01]: to talk to you about downloadable content. Sugar. Very disturbing. Call a duty jack.

[00:53:27] [SPEAKER_01]: But I'll tell you, I've played Call of Duty and I could tell this isn't one of those silly

[00:53:31] [SPEAKER_01]: things that you write it and try and trick me. That was definitely Call of Duty content.

[00:53:35] [SPEAKER_01]: That seems very authentic to me. Yeah. Well, shoot, Brian. You know, thank you for doing

[00:53:45] [SPEAKER_01]: that. The video game thing was fun this week. Yeah. I thought it was very fun. Thank you, Jack.

[00:53:49] [SPEAKER_01]: And the whole episode was fun and that my friend isn't part to you in large part. Almost entirely

[00:53:55] [SPEAKER_01]: in part to you. Great job today, Brian. Thanks, Jack. What would you like listeners to do with

[00:54:01] [SPEAKER_00]: their last dying breath to turn off the radio and get out on the grass? How does that help us, Brian?

[00:54:13] [SPEAKER_00]: You're right. It doesn't. And I'm, I'm thoughtless. You're right. What would you like listeners

[00:54:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to do with their last dying breath? Download a podcast. Okay. And review it. Yes. Good. And

[00:54:30] [SPEAKER_00]: put it on our podcast. Put someone else's podcast on our podcast? I would say if it's better,

[00:54:40] [SPEAKER_00]: then yes. It's beneficial. I would to review us and all that. Okay. So reviewing would

[00:54:48] [SPEAKER_01]: really help people out. Always does. Always does, Jack. And especially, you know, if you're

[00:54:53] [SPEAKER_01]: if you enjoy this show, then you probably have friends who have a similar sense of humor as you do

[00:54:57] [SPEAKER_01]: probably would also enjoy the show. So would you say that people should tell their friends

[00:55:00] [SPEAKER_00]: about the show? If they're in an appropriate environment and there are witnesses. Okay. And as long

[00:55:08] [SPEAKER_01]: as consent is given to recommend a podcast. Doesn't matter how they're dressed, Jack. You have to

[00:55:13] [SPEAKER_00]: have consent. Okay. No such thing is asking for it. Brian, thank you for telling people to like the podcast

[00:55:20] [SPEAKER_01]: to subscribe and to tell friends about it. I already told you about it. I'm your only friend.

[00:55:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, Jeff. And we're more colleagues. Goodnight, Brian.