The King of Pop's Best Tract

[00:00:00] I just started recording. Well, we should ride this energy and momentum wave that we're on all the way through to the show. Yes, Jack. I think more mouth noises are in order. From what I've read on the podcast forums, people really enjoy mouth noises. Gum smacking, lips, yep. Lips, gums, and if you could, you could have your teeth removed.

[00:00:30] Yeah, that makes a very distinct sound like that a lot. It impedes the flow of words from your mouth, the teeth, if you think about it. I mean, sure, it's good for chewing. Everyone loves a good chunk of steak. Everyone does. Everyone, except for the vegetarian people. Nah, even they love it. But teeth get in the way of words. Mm hmm.

[00:00:56] And if you've noticed, I've dedicated a lot of my life advocating for people to remove their teeth. Mm hmm. Mostly in the prostitute community though. Yes. Because what we call the nibblers and the scratchers are in low demand and I want everyone to work. It's a jobs program that everyone can get behind and I appreciate you being a visionary in this regard.

[00:01:24] It is a jobs program, literally and figuratively. Holy cow. Jack. Oh, Brian. Wait a minute. Do you have something for me? I do, Jack. Did you know there's money in podcasting? Not from my experience. Well, there can be if you get a sponsor. Yes. And I've got, I've been out soliciting sponsors for the podcast.

[00:01:52] As you know, I'm very dedicated to that. And I found, I found someone who's willing to sponsor the show. Mm hmm. Uh, it's a Broadway musical, Jack. Oh, wow. We're going to, that's cool. It's extremely exciting. Yeah. So what I've done is I had them send me a script. They said, have Jack read this. If we like to read and he's professional, uh, then, uh, we will sponsor your podcast going forward. Great.

[00:02:17] And so I sent you a script for a Broadway musical called Frost and Fury. Okay. That, and that's the name of the show that's going to be, uh, on Broadway soon. Yes. It's coming out on Broadway. It's, it's, it's good. There's a lot of buzz, as we say in the Broadway business, a lot of buzz about Frost and Fury. Uh, if you can do a good job reading it and, and, you know, come across as professional, uh, they will sponsor us and the money will start rolling in Jack. Brian, I'm ready.

[00:02:47] No more talks. Let's do this. Take it away. Three, two, one. Never had this before in my life. Good. Questionable material with Jack and Brian is sponsored by Frost and Fury. The exciting new Broadway musical about an angry wizard, a talking snowman and an Egyptian virgin priestess as seen through the innocent eyes of an immigrant child named Oswaldo who finds himself trapped in Michael Jackson's urethra.

[00:03:17] Oh crap. Yeah. As Waldo learns the hard way that life and Michael Jackson's urethra is no picnic, especially when the angry wizard curses Michael Jackson's prostate and the talking snowman won't stop saying hate speech about gypsies. Although the virgin priestess is always willing to lend her ear to Oswaldo, he doesn't think he can trust her because she laughs because when she laughs, it sounds like Kamala Harris

[00:03:45] being mounted by an elk with Oswaldo unable to tell the difference between Japanese and Korean people inside Michael Jackson's urethra. It's only a matter of time before milkman Tim and a feisty lady with Kangles convinces the angry wizard to stop selling counterfeit churros on the subway. When Oswaldo falls in love with Princess Theodora, he realizes that she's way out of his league,

[00:04:11] but comes to learn that the only surefire way of making a girl love him is to clonk her on the head until the yelling stops. Jesus. With music and original lyrics by Ed Sheeran, Corey Feldman and a specialist in Lou Gehrig's disease, you're sure to be humming and singing for years to come. Frost and Fury offers nearly two hours of nonstop joint adventure for adults and kids with scoliosis.

[00:04:39] Well, that was not professional at all. I was really bad and I apologize to you, to the Frost and Fury crew who I undoubtedly have worked very hard on this and to our listeners. That's a bummer because I was counting on that scratch as we say in the money business. Oh man. So Oswaldo lives, is trapped in Michael Jackson's urethra.

[00:05:07] I guess that's the Broadway show. I'd love to see the set. It's one of the, yeah, I would not. It's interesting. It's sort of one of those, it does feel like I've seen that story a thousand times. You know, the, it's only a matter of time before Milkman Tim and a feisty lady with cankles convinces the angry wizard to stop selling counterfeit churros on the subway. Don't you feel like you've seen that story a hundred thousand times? I mean, it kind of felt like cliche now that they're not going to be a sponsor.

[00:05:36] I can say it kind of felt cliched. Yeah. And I'm so sick of all these Lou Gehrig's disease experts coming in and sort of tinkering in the entertainment business. It's like musical people for some reason. They, they really are. Well, they have to sing a bad news. You've only got a year until your muscles stop working. That's right. Super sad. So sad. Well, so was my read and I apologize. Let's start the show. All right, Jack. Click.

[00:06:07] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack. QM podcast.com. So Brian, I would like to look back at the bit we just did. Um, you said, uh, and I quote, Jack, you're so sexy. You're so sexy. Mmm. I want to know what that's like.

[00:06:37] I didn't say that in the last bit. And I think that's verifiable. Oh, I'm sorry. You said that you like to solicit sponsors for the podcast. That's right. Okay. I'm sorry about that. That was an honest mistake. So I was, can we just unpack that? Because every week you come to the show with a new batch of sponsors and I would love to know how one, and we have some, some fans, some listeners who have shows of their own and everything.

[00:07:05] And I think myself and a lot of them could learn from you. How do you solicit sponsors for this podcast? You know, what's the process of going out and meeting these companies and, and, and how do you sell our show? You might just walk us through all that. Yeah, I can do that. That's so cool. So when you're in the soliciting sponsors game, where does one start? Uh, well, uh, I like to basically download the gay dating app.

[00:07:36] Okay. And I download a gay dating app and I put it on my phone and I create a profile and it's called it's download Joe and download Joe is my profile. And I, I do what they call catfishing. I get some pictures of beefier gentlemen. Sure. Younger, more muscular men with nice tans and, uh, you know, treasure trails.

[00:08:04] And I take those pictures and I put them on my download Joe profile. Mm hmm. And then I, I basically advertise that I'm in the hood looking to get busy with other download dudes, discreet dudes. Mm hmm.

[00:08:32] And I say, uh, well, send me some pictures of you and your thing. Ah, I put thing in quotes. Okay. And so they send me pictures. Yep. And then I say, well, what do you do? Uh huh. And occasionally like, well, I want to keep it discreet. It was like, well, just, I just give me an item. Oh, I'm in propane. Mm hmm. Yeah. Okay. And I'll be like, okay, well, cool. Would you like to sponsor my podcast? Mm hmm. And they're like, not really. I'm just looking for a hookup. Mm hmm.

[00:09:02] And I'll say, well, I'm going to release these photos to the internet unless you sponsor my podcast. Okay. And that is how I got Tim's propane. Yeah. Yeah. By, by collecting, um, a treasure trove of photos of Tim's penis. I have a lot of compromising photos. Okay. Of Tim Jr. Tim Sr. started the business.

[00:09:32] I see. Thank you. Uh, and I have a lot of compromising photos and I have a willingness to put those out there on the internet unless Tim sponsors our podcast. It's great. Thank you, Jack. It's it's, it's, I think that's what they call guerrilla marketing. I, they call, I've heard it called extortion, blackmail, whatever, but yes, guerrilla marketing is what I prefer to go with. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's a heck of an accomplishment, but really good thinking. I wrote a book on guerrilla marketing. Did you really? What's it called? How to market to guerrillas.

[00:10:02] And what was the, there, what was sort of like the key takeaway? If you could sort of summarize that, if you were trying to pitch yourself to get on the Dr. Phil show, how would you describe, um, the idea of guerrilla marketing? Well, uh, basically you, you've got a product you want to advertise to a guerrilla. Mm hmm. What is a guerrilla deal? And you gotta be specific. Your guerrillas don't drive. Well, that's a good point. They don't know how to operate a house fans. Mm hmm. They don't want a blender. Uh huh.

[00:10:32] They, they could care less, could not care less about, um, fabricated Christmas trees, the artificial ones that people put up. Mm hmm. So not, I'm not going to market any of that to guerrillas. It's really good. I'm going to market them bananas. Yep. And, uh, nice zoos. Mm hmm. You know, cause a good, a gorilla is looking for a nice zoo. They, they don't want to be in like Tikrit. Yeah. In some shoddy little sad zoo. Right.

[00:11:01] With rusty fences and it's small and it's terrible. Right. Mm hmm. And you have ISIS people running around. Right. So they want to be in a nicer zoo, like somewhere in San Diego, maybe. Yeah. And so I market to them that way. Huh. Um, you know, uh, if I remember from a look, I'll be honest, I skimmed the book. I didn't read the whole thing. But if I remember from that, there was also a thing how, um, there's a lot of people

[00:11:27] who are in a lot of marketing opportunities to grill is for, um, uh, low security daycare centers where, um, with a lot of children with, um, soft throats. Yeah. Well, that's the, that's the Harambee clinic. Okay. Because grill is love, I guess, ripping these throats out. They, they like, they like the texture. They don't necessarily feel like they want to rip it. Okay. They like to keep you on the fence. Mm hmm. Cause they really get off on the shocked expressions of terrified parents.

[00:11:56] And so they'll kind of grip around the throat and kind of look at you and just see what your reaction is. You think I'm going to do it. You think I'm going to do it. That's what they're thinking. Yeah. They don't intend to most of the time, but they're very strong. Yep. And they can certainly crush a throat. Yeah. I know. Thinking about it. Yeah. There's, oh man, just you talking about it. There's just nothing like seeing that look on a parent's face. It is pretty hilarious. Well, it's, it's pretty sexually charged. I would say.

[00:12:28] Well, guerrilla marketing, gosh, Brian, I mean, it's already, that's a lot. Really good stuff. Thanks Jack. You're welcome. You're so welcome. Awesome. So what else is going on with you there, buddy? How, how are things? What's new in the, in your world? Well, we're kind of crossing fingers, waiting for responses from colleges for the younger child. Yep. Child number two. And it's apparently it's a very tough year. Oh. Very tough year.

[00:12:56] Cause there are a lot of kids applying for colleges. Apparently. So for one example, the university of Texas at Austin last year had 71. 31,000 applicants. Holy cow. Now they have 92. Oh, they're freaking out. Jack. They don't know what to do. Holy crap. Why? Where is this coming from? There was a 2007 was apparently a big birth year. Is that true? A lot of babies. Yeah.

[00:13:24] There was like a ton of kids born in 2007. So the college market right now, very, very competitive. Wow. Is that just sort of like disgraced, um, bailed out bankers who are like, well, I don't have to work. I might as well just go lay with my wife. You'd think that, but we're talking 2007. The disgraced bailout bankers were 2008. 2009, eight, nine. Yeah.

[00:13:48] Well, it was the sixth anniversary of September 11th that you know what that that's probably what it is. It was kind of like a sex fest. If you think about it. I do remember that. Cause what's a, the first anniversary is paper. Paper. And then what's the second anniversary? Uh, chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. That's right. And the third. Marble. Okay. You gotta get your marble. Yep. The fourth anniversary. Anti-static spray.

[00:14:20] Right. I remember my wife. Yeah. She knocked that one out of the park. Um, the fifth anniversary. It's Nuru massage, Jack. Oh, I mean, what is that? I, something I read about on the internet. Well, that's weird. Well, I certainly don't know what that is. So I'll have to move on quickly. Uh, and then number six is, um, it's the giant, uh, sex party. The sex party anniversary, which is great.

[00:14:49] So yeah. So September 11th, 2007 rolls around and, and yeah, I mean, you gotta do it. And so just babies galore, Jack. Man. Sad. It's competitive. Messing up your kid's future. Yeah. I mean, if he doesn't get in anywhere, he's going to join the Marine Corps. Well, I think he would do well in that. Mom's not that cool with it, but I'm fine with it. I said, you know what? He'd be great. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. And well, what, um, what are you doing then?

[00:15:18] Obviously with competition, maybe never fiercer. What are you doing to advise your son to really stand out in the crowd of applicants? Uh, I, you know, that was like, okay, well, what, you know, what can we do that makes you different? Makes you unique. Mm-hmm. And I thought, yeah, maybe we can change his name to Braden or Caden or Dayton or Inslee or Brinsley. But we didn't do that. But that's not going to make him stand out. Not going to make him stand out. That's going to make him seem the same. Everybody's doing that now. That's the thing.

[00:15:48] And I thought about, I was like, okay, what about face tats? Consider a face tat is all I said. Consider a face tat. Mom's not on board, but I said, listen, you know, you're 18 soon. And so face tat if you want. And he did, um, if I remember from the Facebook picture I saw last week, he did come home with a brand new face tattoo. Yes. I know your wife was pissed about. What was it? Uh, it was a, it was a, my wife's face.

[00:16:18] A full like facial tattoo of your wife. He did a full facial tattoo of my wife. Uh, and you know, if he throws a blonde wig on, I just, I have no idea. I, it's really hard to tell. Yeah. The tattoo guy did a great job. That's great. Well, I mean, I very much would like to have humps with your wife. So that's going to be very, um, she's livid though. She doesn't like having two of her around the house. Right.

[00:16:45] And it's confusing to me because I'm looking over there and there, and my wife's not vacuuming. Mm hmm. And then I realized that's not my wife. That's my youngest son. Right. With my wife's face tattoo. Wow. Yeah. It's very, very confusing. So, you know, the dinner's not as good when he cooks it. Mm hmm. She's much better at cooking. So, uh, the, tell me the, the last dinner, uh, very quickly that your wife cooked and then compare it to the dinner that your son gave. So first your wife.

[00:17:14] Well, she did kind of this maple glazed salmon. Oh, wow. Uh, with this broccoli with a tahini sauce. Mm hmm. And a roast vegetables with, uh, mushrooms. And it was, it was very, very good. Well, that's, um, that sounds delicious. She is a fabulous cook. And, uh, the, the last dinner that your son prepared for you guys. He sauteed a pop tart in butter and garlic. And I'll tell you, I'm a big garlic fan, but not when you mix it up with a pop tart. Yeah.

[00:17:43] It doesn't go with a cinnamon pop tart. That doesn't sound like that. Yeah. And my wife knows that, but you know, my, my wife, the, my son with the tattoo of my wife doesn't know that. That's right. He's just, he's experimenting. He's trying new things in the kitchen. And you accidentally took your son out for an anniversary recently. Cause you guys just celebrated your wedding anniversary last month, I think. So what, how was the anniversary dinner with your wife?

[00:18:10] Well, I mean, uh, well, I was surprised at her choices. She doesn't normally eat a steak like that. And she just dug into this steak frite. Mm-hmm . And I was, and you know, and she doesn't normally just drink diet Coke. Yeah. And I was surprised. I was like, you want a martini? And she said, no, I'm not old enough. And I was like, I got very confused. Right. Okay. And any other tells from the dinner?

[00:18:38] Um, well, I would, I was referring to things and, uh, you know, she didn't know what I was talking about. Uh, then I was complaining about my younger son and she was defending him of like, like everything he did and has ever done. Uh huh. So it took a while and I caught on. And I had taken, taken my younger son out to dinner. Right. Cause he looked like my wife with the face tattoo. Meanwhile, my. And so what happened? Yeah. That's what I was going to ask. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

[00:19:08] Well, my real wife was livid because I had grounded her thinking that it was my son. What, what, what happened? Why did you, why did you ground her? What did you think your son was doing? Well, because I w I was not happy at the rate of that he was writing his college application essays. Mm hmm.

[00:19:32] And so I said, listen, you know, I want you to, I'm going to lock you in your room until you, you give me that essay. Yep. For Harvey Milk university. Well, and that's especially tough because I mean, as you know, listeners of the show will know your wife is a Polish, you know, immigrant and, you know, barely speaks a word of English. So it must've been really bad essays. Yeah.

[00:20:00] I mean, it was the, the essays needed a lot of work and it might, you know, and in this competitive environment, I'm a little worried. Now you do have, can you just open your email and just read the first paragraph of. Of the college essay that you made your wife as your son. Right? Yeah. Me love go Georgia Tech. Georgia Tech is good place. Georgia Tech have program.

[00:20:27] I like me wish to go Georgia Tech. I love Lekwalenza. I don't, you know, I'm worried. Uh, it's I've seen worse, but it's not good. No. I am. I'm. I look college admissions officers do love former, uh, Polish president Lekwalenza.

[00:20:57] That's your, that's your, your long shot, your moon shot. Solidarity is an in, in the, in the college admissions. Take it from me. Yep. Well, great. I mean, gosh, Brian, um, as usual, so much going on with your life. And, and last thing before we move on. Yeah. The face said too, was a great idea, but you know, did you have just another idea or two that you had shared with your son other than the face tattoo, which was, that might

[00:21:24] be a step too far for some, for some people who don't care about their education. 100%. Yep. What are some other ways to that you are hearing or that you're trying to stand out in this process? Well, uh, what you do is you go, you know, let's say you're trying to get into Harvard. Why would you do that? I don't know. Let's not use Harvard. Yeah. Let's say you were trying to get into the university of, of Boulder, Colorado there university of Colorado at Boulder. Right.

[00:21:52] What you do, first of all, you go visit the campus. Yep. Okay. And you, you get a sense of, you know, the campus because you want to see it. And then you find out the neighborhood that most of the faculty live in. Hmm. Okay. Especially the admissions department, try to get an idea of where they might live. And you go in that area. Okay.

[00:22:13] And you download a gay dating app and you create a profile. Uh huh. Download Bo. For Boulder? Yeah. Yeah. And you just kind of, you kind of go fishing and hoping that you catch somebody from the admissions department.

[00:22:41] And try to maintain, obtain compromising photographs. Okay. And this is what you told your 17 year old son to do. Well, yeah. Cause I want him to get in. Yeah. Yeah. So, so the gay admissions department. There you go. But unfortunately he was just a set upon by, he has lots of photos of hairless twinks. Oh, but nobody from the admissions department. Oh man.

[00:23:09] Well, I mean, to me, the glass, the, the glass is half full on that one. Well, also what he did. Okay. Was he walked around the streets. He put on a blonde wig and with a tattoo looks just like my wife. Sure. Sure. And tried to solicit, hoping that he might nab one of the admissions department people. Right.

[00:23:36] And get them in a compromising, get them in a compromising circumstance. Sure. That we could turn in our favor into an admission. And how that, how that, what was the end result there? He got several school teachers, but nobody from the administration. Hey, worth, worth the, worth the effort. And he also got arrested.

[00:24:07] Hey, that's standing out. You did it, Brian. You're an innovator. Thanks Jackie. Thank you. I did go out and I found somebody else who was interested in being a sponsor. How'd you find him? I went into a neighborhood in Alexandria, Virginia. Okay. And I downloaded an app.

[00:24:37] Anyway, I sent you a script. Okay. For a potential sponsor. I think it could be a good one. I just got it. Yep. All right. And I just need a professional read. That's all we need, Jack. Professional. Professional read. And once again, I would like to admit that I've never read this before in my life. You haven't. All right. Can you take it away in three, two, one. One.

[00:25:02] Questionable material with Jack and Brian is sponsored by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. For over 34 years, Justice Thomas has worked in the highest legal body in the land. So he knows a thing or two about making the law work for you. Have a dispute with a neighbor? Did the local car dealers sell you a lemon? Need a quick, no fault divorce? Justice Thomas can handle it. And at affordable rates, you can live with.

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[00:25:59] Or sign up for a la carte judgments and use Justice Thomas only when the need arises. And despite being a justice, Clarence makes no judgments about you. You can have the face tats or be one of those swishy guys. It doesn't matter. All that matters is cash. Speaking of, Justice Thomas is cash only. Sorry, no cards or cash app. What are you waiting for? Put the law to work for you today.

[00:26:27] Call 1-800-CTOMAS-NOW and start getting some decisions in your favor. Sugar. I mean, he needs that? I don't know. I guess. I mean, he's looking for extra cash on the side. You know, maybe he's planning a really nice cruise. Well, I mean, that's not that much money. Either way, did I get it? No.

[00:26:56] Sometimes I'm so in the moment now. No, you know, there were a couple of moments where you broke professionalism as we say. Shoot. Yeah, it's a bummer. It's just, it's hard. I find these people. It is hard. I, you know, I get these clients, these potential people. I have to go through a lot of horrible photographs. So much butt stuff. And then, and then you kind of blow it. And I, in the bad way.

[00:27:27] The good way is so good. And the bad way is so bad. So it sucks to lose the business, but whatever it's going to happen. I have optimism. Well, your optimism is going to be rewarded at the end of the show with script number three. All right. Thank you, Jack. You're welcome. Before we go any further, I want to launch a new segment on the show. Oh my goodness. Yep. Innovation. Innovation. Yes.

[00:27:54] This is innovation at, at its highest level, which I think you'll see. New year, new presidency, new thing you're doing. Yeah. Yep. That's right. And, and people will always remember where they are, where they were when this moment happened. Okay. It's called the questionable material stock market report. Okay. And so it'd be great when, when I say, when I say it again here, if you could put in some cool, like a, you know, stock market music or like a, like a ticker or something. Okay. So let's try it. Okay.

[00:28:23] So I'm going to, I'm counting on you to really edit this in a way that makes this sound awesome. You ready? Yeah. Brian, it's time for the questionable material stock market report. And you'll put in cool stuff right here. Yeah. Great. Um, so, you know, uh, big news, uh, this week was Nvidia, uh, lead having the largest market cap loss in U S history. Yeah.

[00:28:48] As the Chinese AI company deep seek wiped out $600 billion of the company's valuation. Yeah. Fortunately, Nancy Pelosi sold her stuff before that happened. Oh, well that's good. Yeah. I, you know, I've been so worried about her. I was worried too, but she seems to be okay. That's weird. She's been in politics for so long. It's, I don't know how the heck she's gotten so wealthy. I don't know. That's a, that's a Biden thing. Huh?

[00:29:16] Well, anyway, so, uh, you know, it's tough when, so the, sort of the, what happened with Nvidia, the, the layman's explanation is I guess the Chinese company deep seek had, um, sort of revolutionary technology that was just demonstrably cheaper to sort of come up with the, but also come up with the same probably, probably stolen from us, but though, you know, but much cheaper. Yeah. Well, that's always how it is.

[00:29:45] America comes up with a cool new innovation and nine months later it's in China. Yep. So no, no doubt that's true. But so, you know, a lot of people didn't necessarily see this coming. I know you did as a sort of stock market analyst and advisor for a bunch of the, you know, S and P top 500 companies. So I was just wondering if, you know, uh, we've got a lot of people who listen, who are, are big time in the market, big time investors. And, you know, can you sort of walk through some of the, um, some of the other big companies

[00:30:12] in America and tell us, uh, tell us how their outlook is, you know, maybe, um, you know, what you're hearing on the street, it could be a new competitor, a new product launch. That's going to change the way the business operates. So yeah. Can you walk us through some of that for some of the biggest companies in America? Yeah. Let's start off with, uh, Amazon. Yes. I mean, obviously Amazon, uh, you know, one of the, one of the biggest companies in the whole world, but what's their outlook Brian in 2025?

[00:30:42] Well, uh, you know, I'm, I would say I'm a bit, uh, bearish on Amazon. Oh boy. Yeah. Uh, tell us what, what, what are you hearing? What do you know about what, what have you helped them do? Cause I know you're on retainer with a bunch of these companies. Yeah. Well, there, there's a big movement within Amazon to go green, you know, they have a lot of trucks out there on the road and there's just not a good thing.

[00:31:08] Uh, so what they are doing is, um, and this was the problem. They'd invested very heavily in, uh, people who are here, uh, seeking asylum on false pretenses. Uh, they were going to be called manual deliverers. And the whole idea was to just strap an Amazon package to the back of somebody and send them in a direction. Uh huh. And then, you know, there'd be guidance along the way.

[00:31:36] They were given booklets to ask directions. Don, they stop Brian's house, things like that. Right. And, uh, and unfortunately now those people are being sent away. So their whole, their whole distribution model is collapsing in real time. Oh, uh, unfortunately they sold off the majority of their, their fleet.

[00:31:59] Uh, to the government, which ironically is using the vans to deliver, uh, Colombians back to Colombia and El Salvadorians back to El Salvador, Honduras. You get the idea. I get it. So all those vans are out of commission. Okay. So now they have this huge world's online store and they have no way to deliver the product. Ooh. So what they're doing is they're asking you to come pick it up.

[00:32:33] So, so you, you order, um, uh, you order a box of a bath salts. Yep. From Arizona. Yep. You've got to drive from New York or fly and go pick it up. That's the plan. I mean, I, and I know, you know, it's not going to be well received, but that's all they've got right now. Whew. Boy. And I'm furious cause I just ordered a spatula and now I have to fly to Ohio. It's a nice spatula.

[00:33:03] Uh huh. It's silicone. So it won't scratch the Teflon pan. Yeah. No, you've sold me on the need for the spatula. No, no more needs to be said. And now I got to go to Ohio. Crap. And you're busy. It's, it's, it's annoying. It's, it's not what I wanted to do. Oh man. And I remember in the sort of the testing phase of the Amazon program that, you know, pre election

[00:33:30] that they were doing with these immigrants, sending them, you know, basically with the bath salts from Arizona and having them sort of meander up until they find Brian's house in New York, you were part of that pilot program back in September, I think. And you had ordered something and what can you tell us that? Because apparently the, uh, the immigrant who is here struggled to get it to you. Yeah. Um, so I had, uh, it was, it was a very frustrating experience. I had ordered a, a, a synthetic pillow.

[00:34:00] Okay. Sure. I didn't want the down. I wanted a synthetic pillow. Okay. And it was supposed to, it said your orders on its way. Great. And it, it, it just, I, it was so long that I forgot about it. And then one day I'm, I'm tooling down the highway, Long Island expressway. Uh huh. And I see this gentleman just kind of meandering about on, in the breakdown lane and he's holding

[00:34:29] a synthetic pillow and I don't see a car. Uh huh. So he hasn't broken down and I'm like, by any chance. So I pulled over and I went first, I want to make sure he was okay. Of course. Didn't really understand what I was saying. And, and then he was holding, I said, I pointed to the pillow and I pointed to me. And he said, no, Mr. Brian. And I'm like, no, I'm Brian. I'm Brian.

[00:34:58] And he, so, uh, you know, it took me about 15 minutes to convince him. Uh huh. And then I took him in the car. We drove back to my house. He compared the address on the form and he, and he's, and he looked at me with such, you know, you know, excitement. He was so happy because he finally delivered it. Yeah. And I, you know, I thanked him. Um, and I, I took my pillow and I went inside and I called ice.

[00:35:31] How did, and did he, did he stay? Uh, did you like somehow trick him into staying at your house until the agents could arrive? I kept saying I was making horchata. I just told him to stand outside. I'm making horchata and I'll be right. It's going to be great. You're going to love it. How long did it take for the ice agents to show up? About, um, seven hours. That's a long time to wait for, for food on a porch.

[00:35:59] He was excited though. He loves horchata. All right. Well, um, okay. Well, uh, thanks for sharing that. Okay. So, uh, Amazon. Yeah. Bullish. Bad. Don't buy. Okay. Beer. Beerish. Beer. Beer is bad. Well, there we go. So that's, uh, onto our next company. Uh, one of the biggest, uh, most sort of iconic. Blue blood brands, Procter and Gamble.

[00:36:29] Yeah. Procter and Gamble. They make Pampers, Tide, Charmin, Toilet Paper, Mr. Clean, Vicks, Oral B, Gillette, uh, Head and Shoulders, Old Spice, Tampax, all of this stuff. Procter and Gamble, huge, uh, company across so many, um, verticals in the American economy. What do you see in 2025 for Procter and Gamble, Brian? Uh, if, if I had PNG stock, I would get out right now.

[00:36:58] Oh, oh, get out as well. Okay. Yeah. Unfortunately. So they, they put a ton of money into, into Pampers Nano. Pampers Nano is a, is a high tech diaper. Oh. That is looped into the internet of things. Uh, and what Pampers Nano does is when your child craps their pants or craps their diaper,

[00:37:24] uh, it notifies you via text message and phone call, uh, email, all the methods of notifying you. Uh, and unfortunately the technology is not there yet. There are a lot of false positives. So throughout the day you're being deluded, deluged with these, these text messages, phone calls, uh, you know, they interrupt zoom chats. Like the, the, it's a really invasive technology where it's just your child just shit.

[00:37:52] It just keeps saying this and you get, you get, you know, and, and we, we tested it or they tested it and, uh, infuriated people who are using it. Wow. And they, they sunk billions into the R and D on this product. Boy. Um, and, and so I think Pampers Nano is really going to hit them hard. Yeah. When it, when it comes out and when people start using it and it's just not ready for prime time.

[00:38:18] What, and, and did they have, um, did they have sort of like a celebrity endorsement like lined up to, to help sort of move this product and, and what was that? How are they trying to market this? Well, they had, they also have depends. Okay. For the, uh, for, uh, the adult crowd. Yeah. They're using Joy Behar as a spokesman. And, uh, you know, again, a lot, just a lot of faults, but you know, I'm getting messages all day. Joy just shattered herself.

[00:38:49] Wait, wait, they're using that in the marketing? Well, it wasn't intentional, but this, this technology is just so invasive. It gets everywhere. Oh, I mean, uh, it's just, you know, when you know, you, you do two factor, uh, password generation or authentication. Yeah. I have to, it used to be numbers. Sure. Right. I'd get like a string of six numbers. Now it's, it's usually just Joy shatter self. That's the code. That's the code.

[00:39:18] It's so invasive. It's gotten everywhere. Whew. Boy. Yeah. Which is ironic. Cause that's what pamper is and depends are designed to not have happen. They're supposed to prevent it from getting anywhere. Yeah. So it's just, it's, it's going to be a pun intended, a shit show, Jack. Okay. So the. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. No, nevermind. Did you just get a text? Yeah. Yeah. What, what is it? Your wife? Is everything okay with the family?

[00:39:48] No, whoopie shattered self too. And what did that super cool non-racist Sonny Hostin get? What happened to her? Uh, well, I mean, she's using them too. Oh, no kidding. But it just says bitch pooped. Um, that is probably a really good out point, but we gotta do one more. We gotta do one more. Okay.

[00:40:18] Uh, Merck. Merck. Yeah. Um, you want to talk about what Merck is doing and if people should be buying a holding or selling Merck currently share currently trading at $98 and 95 cents. It's Merck pharmaceutical. Okay. And, um, yeah, what they, what they are doing is, uh, they're, they're, they're on board with the Maha movement, the make America healthy again movement. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:40:46] And so what they're doing is they've come out with a product that makes your voice sound like RFK jr. Oh God. It's four shots. Okay. Given over a period of eight months. Okay. And by the time you're done, you'll sound like RFK jr. Why would anyone buy that product? Where we are? They, they, they, they're really hoping that this is what people want. It's a really bad answer.

[00:41:15] It's the make America healthy again movement. Yeah. Now I know, uh, Merck makes, um, a bunch of vaccines, including Gardasil nine, which is the human Pappa, Pappa, Mova. Just say HPV. Thank you. Thank you. Which is the human HPV vaccine. I don't know if you've had some HPV in your day, but, uh, that, that stuff will knock it right out.

[00:41:39] What, um, there's some stuff going on with Gardasil nine, uh, or maybe they're looking we should be excited about. What do we need to know about, um, their vaccine program? Uh, I mean the, the Gardasil 10 program, I mean the, the tagline is lick everything. Uh, because you, you, nothing can hurt you with Gardasil 10. Whoa. You're not going to get HPV. You're not going to get HIV. Uh huh. You're not going to get anything.

[00:42:06] It's kind of, it's the mother of all immunizations. Well, that you just, and it's a, it's a cash cow for them. I would think so. I mean, you need to take it on a regular basis. How often do you have to take it? Eight hours. Once every eight hours. Once every eight hours. And so, so three times a day. Yep. What happens if you miss a pill? You balloon. You gain tremendous weight. You eat tremendous just from missing one pill. Yeah.

[00:42:36] Yeah. And it's the effects are, are fear. I mean, you, you've got to go back immediately, uh, or you need to start taking Ozempic. Okay. I mean, it seems like there are a lot of benefits though. There are a lot of benefits because you know, who doesn't want to be able to lick anything to eat? You could eat off the floor, uh, in a, in a Amtrak bathroom. Right. I mean, I would rather just lick stuff off of like Jessica Alba.

[00:43:06] Like, I don't know why you went to the bathroom example. Why? What does Jessica Alba have? A beautiful tan slender body. If you say so. I do. I do. I would just, whatever. I'm not going to tell you how to do your business. I've heard the name. I just don't know what she looks like. Well, it's, she's a, she's pretty. I like pretty girls.

[00:43:29] So now what is, how is Gardasil 10 going to sort of, uh, launch and, and hit the market? What, what are they going to do to get the, the, you know, get the message out? You know, is it a commercial campaign? Is it a, you know, celebrity endorsements? Is it have what, how, what's the plan? Well, uh, they're going to use Reese Witherspoon and a hologram of Sammy Davis Jr.

[00:43:59] Okay. All right. So walk us, walk us through what that is like is so far it seems weird. Yeah. Well, um, so the, the, the hologram of Sammy Davis Jr. Comes up to Reese Witherspoon said, I always like a girl like you. And she goes, but I've got HPV. And he says, that ain't no thing with Gardasil 10. And then they look, they both look over.

[00:44:28] And, uh, Salman Rushdie comes out of the bushes, holding a copy of the satanic verses and a syringe. And he injects Sammy Davis Jr. Uh huh. He says, and then waves the book says, nobody read this book. And yet I got a death sentence. Yeah. And then Sammy Davis Jr. says, yeah, but can I do it now? And Reese looks over and winks. And then it's like, it's a wipe.

[00:44:59] And it's three minutes later. Mm hmm. And you see Reese Witherspoon. She's so happy. She's so happy. And then it just says Gardasil 10. Let's do this. Because a hologram. Like to clean. I'm just leaving it up to the imagination. Okay.

[00:45:28] You don't want to, you don't want to say anything. You want to let people think what they think. Maybe they, maybe they went to church together. There's no way of knowing. Okay. You're right. You're right. So are we calling that a buy, a sell or a hold? Well, it's, it's definitely a hold. Okay. What should we look for? Last question.

[00:45:56] What should we look for in terms of whether or not to, to start buying and adding it to our portfolio or getting rid of it? What's from your, from what, you know, what do we need to look for? Well, I mean, it really turns, you know, it's about this amount of sales and that, and if this ad campaign penetrates. And so, I mean, the only way you're going to gauge it is, is if you, you know, walking around about town and you see a lot of happy faces.

[00:46:26] If you see happy, you get on your app, you call your broker, you say, buy Merck. Uh huh. Yep. But what should we be looking for if it's time to sell? Well, if you see a lot of guys with throat cancer, you get out. You get out.

[00:46:52] This has been questionable materials, stock market report and put the cool music here. We'll do. Well, Brian, we're almost out of time for the show. Dog on it. I know Jack, but I do have a potential sponsor. Yes. I knew it. What else can I tell you? Yeah. I just need you to, to be professional. That's all. No, no more setups needed that people know what's going on. Yeah. So just, you know, do it right. Do it professionally.

[00:47:23] Make the moolah for the podcast. Okay. It's on its way through the internet right now. Magical. This couldn't have happened in the nineties. Nope. Nope. It just wasn't a thing. Yeah. You would have had to mail me this days ahead of time. Yeah. Uh, I just, uh, magical. I just got the script and this is once again, something I've never read before in my life. That's right. And three and two and one commercial.

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[00:49:34] And was it just the line Grover Cleveland book is free and easy to use like a teen with terribly low self-esteem? Was it just that one? I mean, it was the reaction to that. It didn't help for sure. You know, they want professional. I keep saying. Can we cut that out? No, cause they listen to live. Yeah. This is live. It is to my friends. Well, that's just me and I don't get it live. So that's confusing. I'm sorry, Jack. We didn't get it. Fine.

[00:50:04] Let's wrap up the show. Brian, it was a great episode. I appreciate your enthusiasm. You know, we started low energy and I think we really pulled it up. Really ramp things up, Jack. Yep. Ramped it up. We ramped it up. And for that, we should be rewarded. Please tell your friends about the podcast. Say, hey, if you got a sense of humor like mine, you're going to love this show. Like, subscribe, leave a review. It's been a while since we've gotten a fun review.

[00:50:32] Please just spread the word about the podcast. GroverClevelandBook.com. That's right. That was Questionable Material with Jack and Brian. Subscribe on any podcast platform. Visit us at QMPodcast.com.