Jack auditions for Danger Horizon. Brian's selling a house. Slabadab gamed the happy arrangements. Random Amazon names. Jack auditions for Vader Returns. The Humpback of Notre Dame. BlueAnon friends. How the Secret Service gets the ladies. Jack auditions for Godzilla 2025.
[00:00:01] Jack.
[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Brian.
[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_04]: My name is Brian.
[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm your co-host on this podcast.
[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_04]: I know, I know that's we're well beyond that.
[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_04]: Questionable material, Jack.
[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I know.
[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_03]: I know the show.
[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_03]: I do the show five years.
[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_04]: So I have a friend.
[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_04]: He's a director.
[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_04]: His name is Brad.
[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_03]: And this is this is something that's true because we've done the show for five years
[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_03]: and I'm aware of the show.
[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm not a fan of the show, but I know the show.
[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_03]: For five years, we've been doing it.
[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_03]: And I know the fact that you have a friend named Brad, who is a real person, who is a
[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_03]: movie director, TV and film, but mostly film director.
[00:00:33] [SPEAKER_03]: He turned out Game of Thrones to do like a Holly Berry movie or something.
[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_04]: No, he turned on Game of Thrones because his wife didn't want him gone for three
[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_04]: months.
[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_04]: They didn't know the scope of the project that it would be.
[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Taking the world by storm.
[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_03]: So yes, I know Brad, your friendly film director.
[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_04]: So Brad, you know, he thinks you're one of the most undiscovered talents in American
[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_04]: cinematic history.
[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_04]: Wow.
[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_04]: I've mentioned this before.
[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_04]: And so he's constantly throwing scripts my way, hoping that, you know, you
[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_04]: audition for them and get the role.
[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_04]: He's got some things lined up.
[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_04]: He's you know, you have failed many, many times as you fail to stay in
[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_04]: character.
[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, it sometimes is hard.
[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_04]: I know you're not a natural actor, but he sees something in you.
[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_04]: And so we're just trying really hard to see.
[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_04]: There you go. You put the microphone in front of your face.
[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Good. I'm glad you took it away from the middle of the room.
[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_04]: And brought it close.
[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_04]: You're really good at technology, Jack.
[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_04]: Anyway, I'm also really good at acting.
[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_04]: Do you hear the sound quality?
[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_04]: Do you not hear how much better that is?
[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_04]: No, I can't hear myself in this.
[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, because it sounds great.
[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_04]: And it's second to go.
[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, my God. So aggravating.
[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_04]: Anyway, Brad has a movie he's working on.
[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_04]: It's called Danger Horizon.
[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_04]: Whoa, cool.
[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. And it's kind of like an action adventure movie.
[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_04]: It's apparently very scary.
[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_04]: And he was looking at you for playing a part in that movie, the part of the dad, Bart.
[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm not sort of more of a like leading, you know, like not ready to be a dad type
[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_04]: of look. But OK, I mean, not the dad, Bart, the dad, Jerry.
[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, OK.
[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_04]: The dad's name is Jerry.
[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, he's thinking you would be because you got kids of your own.
[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_04]: You got two older ones and you got a brand new one for some reason.
[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_04]: And and so he thinks you're the perfect father character for this.
[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_04]: He already sees you doing the press tours and talking about being a dad and stuff.
[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_04]: Anyway, so this movie is called Danger Horizon.
[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_04]: Now, as you know, Brad is very strict.
[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_04]: He likes people to read cold his scripts and they have to stay in character.
[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_04]: If they drop out of character, then, you know, it's it.
[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_04]: You don't get the role.
[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_04]: But anyway, he sent me the script and I'm sending it to you now over the Internet.
[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_04]: So it should be coming through Danger Horizon.
[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_04]: You're playing the role of Jerry and I will read for the son whose name is Bart.
[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_03]: Great. I just got the script.
[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_03]: I've never seen this before in my life.
[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_03]: Take her away.
[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, three, two, one acting.
[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, sorry, I should set up the scene.
[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_04]: You're in a car driving.
[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_04]: All right. OK, Jerry's great.
[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_04]: You're driving. The dad's driving the kids in the back seat.
[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, all right.
[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_04]: Three, two, one. Yeah.
[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_04]: And he's with us.
[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_04]: There's a sister in the back, too, but we don't care about her.
[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_04]: All right. Three, two, one.
[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_03]: Kids, listen to me.
[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_03]: I needed to behave or I'm going to pull this car over.
[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_03]: You are not going to like it if I have to do that.
[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_03]: Why, Daddy?
[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_03]: Because if I have to pull this car over, Trump will be president
[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_03]: and he will enact Project 2025 on day one.
[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_03]: What's that, Dad?
[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_03]: It's the worst. Trust me.
[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_03]: Democracy, we know as we know it will end.
[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_03]: Everyone who ever watched the view will unironically will be
[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_03]: will be rounded up and sent to Trump gulags.
[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_03]: Why, Daddy?
[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_03]: Because Project 2025 is why pizza will be banned
[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_03]: and your mother will have thyroid cancer.
[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm scared, Daddy.
[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_03]: You should be.
[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_03]: Project 2025 will kill your hamster cereal
[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_03]: and your favorite cartoons will be canceled.
[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, no. Yeah.
[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_03]: And Project 25 is more than some policy recommendations from a think tank.
[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_03]: Your grandmother will be beaten with rubber mouths
[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_03]: and you'll have to go to the dentist every day for a full year.
[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_03]: Daddy, I don't like Project 2025.
[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, I don't want you to be scared.
[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_03]: I just want you to realize that we will all die.
[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_03]: Your beloved grandma as well.
[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_03]: Unless you vote exactly the way I want you to.
[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_03]: There's no other option.
[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_03]: But Daddy, I can't vote.
[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_03]: Not a problem.
[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_03]: This is Jose.
[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_03]: He just arrived from Venezuela.
[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_03]: He will vote for you.
[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_03]: It's the only way we can keep Project 2025 from breaking into the house
[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_03]: and tying you up.
[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm so scared.
[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_03]: Make Project 2025 go away.
[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_03]: It will go away.
[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_03]: But only if I can have your promise that you will take this rifle
[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_03]: and do what Daddy asks you to do.
[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_04]: But Daddy, I don't know how to use a rifle.
[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_03]: That's fine.
[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_03]: The Secret Service says that you'll be so close.
[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_03]: The Secret Service says that you'll be so close
[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_03]: that it'd be really hard to miss.
[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_04]: I love you, Daddy.
[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_03]: I love you too. Project 2025.
[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_03]: Sharks.
[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_03]: It feels like a little preachy,
[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_03]: like a little heavy handed on the messaging.
[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_04]: Am I reading that right?
[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm not a screenwriter.
[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_04]: You know, I just, I'm the messenger.
[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_04]: Brad gets these, his agent gives him scripts,
[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_04]: says do you want to direct this movie?
[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_04]: He says yes or no.
[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_04]: He hands me the script, says this will be great for Jack.
[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_04]: And now I got to turn around and be like, Brad, sorry,
[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_04]: Jack, as you'll be able to hear, failed his audition.
[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_04]: He flubbed it.
[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Didn't stay in character.
[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, okay.
[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_04]: No Jerry for Jack.
[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, hopefully there's something maybe later in the show
[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_03]: that's like a little bit more, you know, me.
[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I'm sure there might be another script down the line.
[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, should we be professional unlike last week
[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_03]: and end the cold open at an appropriate point here
[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_03]: and start the music so we can start the show?
[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: You're listening to Questionable Material
[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: with Jack and Brian.
[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: A mostly improvised podcast produced in New York
[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack.
[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: QMpodcast.com
[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_03]: Hey, Brian. Hi, Jack.
[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_03]: What is new in your world, my friend?
[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_03]: Have you sold the house yet?
[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_04]: No, it's just shown to a couple of people so far,
[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_04]: a couple that liked it a lot and some single finance guy
[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_04]: who liked it, wants to know about the property taxes.
[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_04]: And there's an open house on Friday.
[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, so people can come in and see the primary bedroom
[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_04]: or the master bedroom if you're old fashioned.
[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_04]: See the yard that's good for kids and pets.
[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_04]: And they could even take a quick walk.
[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_04]: Nine minutes to the village center,
[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_04]: past the section eight housing where someone was murdered a year ago.
[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_04]: Is that true? Yeah.
[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_04]: It's so true that we actually back the house up about 15 feet
[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_04]: so you can't see the building down the street.
[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Is that true? Yeah.
[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_04]: In that neighborhood? Yeah, there was.
[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_04]: There was. Yeah. Oh, OK.
[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_04]: It's you know, yeah.
[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_04]: You haven't seen the neighborhood.
[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_04]: But yeah, I guess not. Yeah.
[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. So, well, interesting.
[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so but so it's been on the market now for how long?
[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, like a week or less. Yeah, like a week.
[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Think it went on last Wednesday or Thursday.
[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_04]: OK. So yeah, weekish.
[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, weekish and you still haven't sold it and don't have any offers.
[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_03]: I would I would start bringing the price down.
[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, I'm taking the word of my real estate agent who is a professional.
[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_04]: And she advises me.
[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_04]: That. We should wait.
[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, but does she have a podcast like I do?
[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_04]: No, but she has a G wagon.
[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know what that is expensive Mercedes SUV.
[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_04]: She has two G wagons.
[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, isn't that the spot on the lady that makes her feel funny down there?
[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_04]: No, that is the prostate.
[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, I thought that was we in my house.
[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_03]: We call that the G wagon.
[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_04]: The G well, this lady has two G wagons,
[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_04]: so she must be really easy to entertain.
[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Funny story. She's an attractive lady.
[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, love it. So far, it's a funny story.
[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_04]: So far hilarious.
[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_04]: And I found out that our architect, the architect we used,
[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. Heard through the grapevine, because small town
[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_04]: heard through the grapevine that she was getting divorced
[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_04]: and called her up.
[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_04]: I said, hey, you want to get together and bang?
[00:08:43] [SPEAKER_03]: Did he? Yeah.
[00:08:45] [SPEAKER_03]: And how did she receive that wonderful invitation?
[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_04]: She was very repulsed.
[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_04]: And when we worked on another project, she begged me not to use him.
[00:08:56] [SPEAKER_04]: Wow. So I said, OK, I get it.
[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_04]: Believe all women.
[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_03]: Do you have any sense
[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_03]: as to whether she's in to sort of like
[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_03]: doey married, about to turn 50, gray hair.
[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_03]: But with a podcast type of like dudes, so sort of like the glass is half full.
[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_04]: I can poke around and find out.
[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_04]: See, that's what I'm trying to do. The G wagon.
[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. Come on.
[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so you haven't sold the house yet.
[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_03]: I haven't. To me, it would be
[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_03]: I would then go 50 percent off whatever it is now.
[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Because I like I will take that into consideration.
[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm holding out in the hopes that I could make money off of this venture,
[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_04]: because if I do do the 50 percent reduction, I will lose money.
[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_04]: And that's not what I've been doing this for.
[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, well, I mean, I thought you just like providing homes for people.
[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_03]: I didn't know you were such a capitalist pig.
[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_03]: I am a wannabe billionaire, Jack.
[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_04]: OK. How much wanting do you need to do?
[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_04]: It's a lot of wanting
[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_04]: got a long way to go and a short time to get it.
[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_04]: Because you're so old and death is right around the corner.
[00:10:06] [SPEAKER_03]: The clock is ticking, as we say in the aging business.
[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_03]: It sure is. Our birthdays are coming up in about five weeks.
[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_03]: I will be turning 50 and you'll be turning a little more than that.
[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_03]: Little more than that, Jack.
[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_04]: And my wife just turned 49.
[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, man. I can hear menopause coming up the steps.
[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. Well, when you hear that, it's time to build another house
[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_03]: for her to live in by herself in her single life.
[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_04]: That's right. And that's when I call my real estate agent
[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_04]: and ask her if she wants to do some architect stuff.
[00:10:41] [SPEAKER_03]: Because it just it makes me sad to think of you with like
[00:10:45] [SPEAKER_03]: a an age appropriate woman like you're a cool dude.
[00:10:49] [SPEAKER_03]: You have a podcast, which is really awesome.
[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_03]: It just seems like you should be dumping a lady like that
[00:10:55] [SPEAKER_03]: when they hit like 35.
[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. Good friend of mine just said the other day, he goes,
[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_04]: you know, if I get divorced, there's no way I'm marrying somebody my own age.
[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_04]: And I said, understood.
[00:11:05] [SPEAKER_04]: And it's funny because he's got a friend.
[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_04]: His friend is in his 70s.
[00:11:10] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, very wealthy.
[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. Travels around, spends a lot of time in Ibiza
[00:11:16] [SPEAKER_04]: off the coast. Guess how old the girlfriend is?
[00:11:20] [SPEAKER_03]: He's in the 70s, you said? Yes.
[00:11:22] [SPEAKER_03]: The girlfriend early 70s, early 70s.
[00:11:25] [SPEAKER_03]: God. Well, I mean, anything
[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_03]: I'll say, I'll be generous and say 31.
[00:11:31] [SPEAKER_04]: Twenty three.
[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Holy cow. Isn't that fantastic?
[00:11:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Wow. She loves him for him.
[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_04]: But he said, my friend said, you know, he goes, my friend was like,
[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_04]: dude, you know, she's just into you for the money.
[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_04]: And he goes, what is money for?
[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_04]: Wow. So I mean, he's got a realistic, you know, he's
[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_04]: getting what he wants, which is a 23 year old girl.
[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_04]: And he she's getting what she wants is living in Ibiza and boats and
[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_04]: the nice life.
[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Wow. Living the dream, he is.
[00:12:09] [SPEAKER_04]: Man, and that's why I need to be a billionaire.
[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, me too. What's going on?
[00:12:14] [SPEAKER_04]: What I do wrong, Jack?
[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, my gosh, we don't have time. All right.
[00:12:20] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, now I'm just I'm I'm
[00:12:23] [SPEAKER_03]: excited for him.
[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_03]: But like, how do I I've got, you know, 20 years to get into my 70s
[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_03]: and go start nailing a 23 year old.
[00:12:31] [SPEAKER_03]: Walk me through what you know, because you have a dating site
[00:12:36] [SPEAKER_03]: for older, discerning, wealthy gentlemen. Right?
[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. It's called the happy arrangement.
[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_04]: Happy arrangement. OK.
[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_04]: So there was a company there still is called Seeking Arrangement.
[00:12:48] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. That hooks up
[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_04]: a gentleman with women who like gentlemen who have expensive watches.
[00:12:57] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. So I kind of took their mom.
[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_04]: Differentiates years.
[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_04]: The mine is well, first of all, I have a different logo.
[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_04]: What's the logo? What does it look like?
[00:13:11] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, it's it's a silhouette of a beautiful woman.
[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, on her knees.
[00:13:16] [SPEAKER_04]: Huh? And she's got her hand out.
[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_04]: And there's an ATM depositing money into her in the palm of her hand.
[00:13:25] [SPEAKER_04]: Uh huh. And the ATM has a head
[00:13:29] [SPEAKER_04]: of a 60 year old man.
[00:13:34] [SPEAKER_04]: Uh huh. And so that's kind of it lets you know what my site is about.
[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, it's fairly transactional.
[00:13:43] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm very I'm straight up front.
[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_04]: In fact, the domain name is happy
[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_04]: arrangement is fairly transactional dot com.
[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, you couldn't get dot partners that one was taken?
[00:13:58] [SPEAKER_04]: No, it was taken by somebody.
[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_04]: It's all the rage, Jack.
[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I hear that shit's blowing up.
[00:14:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, no, I went to Google dot partners
[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_04]: and they're doing great.
[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I said got on that bandwagon.
[00:14:14] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, seriously.
[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, speaking of getting on the bandwagon, tell me more about this.
[00:14:18] [SPEAKER_03]: Happy arrangements.
[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so you told me the logo.
[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_03]: How do you how did you set up this website?
[00:14:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Like how do you get the women in the mentions?
[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_03]: How does it all work?
[00:14:29] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, there's a lot of women out there looking for guys with money.
[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. And there's a lot of guys out there looking for women
[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_04]: without money, with a pulse.
[00:14:41] [SPEAKER_04]: And so I figured what's the you know, let's unite the two.
[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_04]: And then this way, I mean, I want to make everybody happy.
[00:14:51] [SPEAKER_04]: Sure. And you know, and then of course, I get my 24.
[00:14:55] [SPEAKER_04]: Ninety five a month membership fee for the men.
[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_04]: Ladies are free
[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_04]: because I want I want as many women in the fish bowl as possible.
[00:15:06] [SPEAKER_04]: But that doesn't seem like equity.
[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_04]: It's not it's OK, because these are straight white males.
[00:15:11] [SPEAKER_04]: They are the worst.
[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. They are literally Hitler's.
[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_04]: But you don't let black or Hispanic men or Asian men on your site.
[00:15:21] [SPEAKER_04]: There are no black people on my site because it requires a photo ID.
[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_04]: And as we've been told time and again by the Democrats,
[00:15:28] [SPEAKER_04]: black people can't get photo IDs. Right.
[00:15:33] [SPEAKER_04]: OK. And the Hispanics are waiting for their asylum claim to go through.
[00:15:37] [SPEAKER_04]: So I can't have them on my site.
[00:15:40] [SPEAKER_03]: No, that's definitely not.
[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_04]: And the Asians are too good at the SAT. They shamed me.
[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_04]: I won't have anything to do with them.
[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so tell me about
[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_03]: tell me more about your whites only site.
[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_03]: The charge is 24.
[00:15:53] [SPEAKER_03]: Ninety five for the men free for the women. Continue.
[00:15:56] [SPEAKER_04]: So people who want to be members of who are trying to me,
[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_04]: if I am a guy, a professional guy.
[00:16:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. And I want to meet a lady.
[00:16:04] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. And you know, maybe my I'm in my 50s.
[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_04]: Body's not as great as it was.
[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_04]: Let things go. Mm hmm. Have weird spots.
[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. Things called skin tags that just kind of appear.
[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. What do these come from?
[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_04]: It's happening.
[00:16:19] [SPEAKER_04]: What's the why was used to be so silky smooth? Yeah.
[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_04]: And so then you're like, you're like, it's so hard to meet a lady this way.
[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. Especially with my wife breathing down my neck.
[00:16:29] [SPEAKER_04]: Wife's always in the room
[00:16:31] [SPEAKER_04]: when you're trying to discreetly scan through this website.
[00:16:35] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. So the ladies have to upload like a tasteful photo of themselves.
[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes. And what do the men have to do?
[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_04]: Besides pay 24, 9, 24, 95, Jack cash credit, Venmo,
[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_04]: cash, PayPal.
[00:16:51] [SPEAKER_04]: How do you get cash from these folks?
[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, I created a brick and mortar store.
[00:17:00] [SPEAKER_04]: You did. Yes. OK.
[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know why.
[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_04]: It's it's eating into my profits to be paying rent.
[00:17:09] [SPEAKER_04]: I have one location.
[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_04]: It's in Siaset, New York.
[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_04]: This that's that's difficult even for New Yorkers to get to.
[00:17:20] [SPEAKER_04]: It's it's not near any mass transit.
[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_04]: It's behind a defunct Dunkin Donuts,
[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_04]: which says it just says somebody graffiti the sign, so it says Pukin.
[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, gee, you can do nuts, Jack.
[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_03]: You can do it. What happened to the Dunkin Donuts?
[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_03]: Why did it? Why did it become defunct?
[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_03]: Did you do you have any sense? They defunded the police.
[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, you're in a mood today.
[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_04]: The Siaset Police Department is no more, Jack.
[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_04]: Crime runs rampant.
[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_04]: Craver through Siaset, New York.
[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_04]: Crime in Siaset, New York is running rampant.
[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_04]: I'll tell you, it's not the people from my website, if you know what I mean.
[00:18:03] [SPEAKER_03]: Jesus. So
[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_03]: so it's just wealthy Asian men doing all this crime.
[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_04]: That's right. You're fucking good at the SAT and crime.
[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Kills me.
[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_04]: It does. I think it's because they're all ninjas.
[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_04]: I I couldn't believe it.
[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_04]: I watched a friend of mine.
[00:18:20] [SPEAKER_04]: I saw their security video. Yeah.
[00:18:23] [SPEAKER_04]: And he was in Siaset and he gets carjacked.
[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_04]: Right. He pulls over a light guy, runs up to the door,
[00:18:30] [SPEAKER_04]: yanks him out of the car, violently throws him to the ground, says,
[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_04]: I got a 1580 and then gets in the car and drives off.
[00:18:37] [SPEAKER_04]: That's terrible.
[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_04]: It's 1580.
[00:18:42] [SPEAKER_04]: And he said as he as he drove away, he said, and my mother still disappointed at me.
[00:18:50] [SPEAKER_03]: It's terrible.
[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_03]: It's terrible. No wonder you took a life of crime.
[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_03]: It's the way they're brought up.
[00:18:57] [SPEAKER_03]: It's the upbringing.
[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_03]: It is just the upbringing.
[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_03]: So and so how did how did the lack of police before we go back to your website?
[00:19:03] [SPEAKER_03]: How did the lack of police in Siaset lead to the the downfall of this Dunkin Donuts?
[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, what's the number one customer of Dunkin Donuts, Jack?
[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_03]: A pedophiles?
[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_04]: No, that's Subway.
[00:19:15] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, sorry. Probably the police.
[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, the police, Jack. They love.
[00:19:21] [SPEAKER_04]: They love.
[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_04]: Pedophiles. No, they love.
[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_04]: Donuts qualified immunity.
[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_04]: It keeps them safe.
[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_04]: Right. Did they sell that at Dunkin Donuts?
[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_04]: No, but when you feel safe, you feel like you can indulge.
[00:19:42] [SPEAKER_04]: Right. So like, I'm not going to prison anytime soon.
[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_04]: I think I'm going to have a scholar
[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_04]: and some black liquid
[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_04]: that they claim is phenomenal,
[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_04]: but it's only delicious because you add milk and sugar to it.
[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_04]: You're talking about coffee.
[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, it's dishwashing liquid.
[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_04]: Geez, when my dishes with Dunkin Donuts, coffee, Jack.
[00:20:07] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, it's because it wouldn't clean your dishes.
[00:20:09] [SPEAKER_04]: It just doesn't taste good.
[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_04]: They lied to me, told me it was the best coffee ever.
[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_04]: And I got I ordered it black and it was terrible.
[00:20:19] [SPEAKER_03]: So so it couldn't get it couldn't sign up for your website.
[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Couldn't sign up for my website.
[00:20:24] [SPEAKER_04]: And it doesn't have photo ID, Jack.
[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_03]: They told me the DNC told me.
[00:20:30] [SPEAKER_03]: I feel like you're giving some bad messages.
[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_03]: So but scholars aren't they aren't the donuts called like crawlers?
[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes, they are, Jack, except in Siasat.
[00:20:41] [SPEAKER_04]: You know why? Anarchy.
[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_03]: So Siasat in New York is just this hub of anarchy
[00:20:49] [SPEAKER_03]: and and like burning Dunkin Donuts place remains.
[00:20:53] [SPEAKER_04]: Pukin Donuts, my brick and mortar store.
[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_03]: What is your brick and mortar?
[00:21:00] [SPEAKER_03]: How much space do you have?
[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_03]: And and you know, what's that look like for you?
[00:21:05] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, it had been a best buy.
[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_04]: So it's big.
[00:21:11] [SPEAKER_04]: It's big.
[00:21:12] [SPEAKER_04]: It was the anchor store for the Siasat mall.
[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_04]: And I got a good deal on it, because as you know, malls are in trouble.
[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_04]: Sure. And I said, I convinced them.
[00:21:22] [SPEAKER_04]: I said, listen, I got a business that could quite possibly revitalize
[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_04]: this mall, but I need the best deal possible on rent.
[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, so I got a decent deal.
[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_03]: Great. Do you mind me asking what was the deal?
[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_03]: Eighteen thousand.
[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_03]: Eighteen thousand dollars a month.
[00:21:40] [SPEAKER_03]: That seems high.
[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_03]: I didn't say month.
[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, eighteen thousand per day.
[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_03]: Nope. What better business than that?
[00:21:51] [SPEAKER_04]: Geez. OK, what's the deal?
[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_04]: It's I mean, it's not a traditional lease.
[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, that's fine.
[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_04]: It's every 78 hours.
[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_04]: Seventy eight. That's not even round.
[00:22:05] [SPEAKER_04]: I know it's a pain doing the math.
[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm constantly double checking my QuickBooks,
[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_04]: trying to figure out if I should have paid the rent yet.
[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_03]: Just so you can have a brick and mortar store in the off chance
[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_03]: that someone needs to pay twenty four ninety five in cash.
[00:22:24] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm rethinking it.
[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_03]: I didn't go to business school.
[00:22:27] [SPEAKER_04]: You should have gone to Silent Partners.
[00:22:28] [SPEAKER_04]: They wouldn't have let this happen.
[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_04]: I went to Silent Partners dot com and I got terrible advice.
[00:22:34] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, that's that's that's right, because that's not
[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_03]: that's not the silent partners that sponsors the show.
[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_03]: It's not it's not. And I realize this now.
[00:22:43] [SPEAKER_04]: Otherwise, I wouldn't have doubled down on the lease.
[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_04]: What does what does it mean to double down on a lease?
[00:22:51] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, it had been nine thousand dollars every eighty three point seven hours.
[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, and you negotiated to do slightly
[00:23:01] [SPEAKER_03]: less fewer hours and way more money.
[00:23:03] [SPEAKER_03]: Yep. For an abandoned bus buy.
[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, now you sound like my wife.
[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't want to hear it.
[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_04]: I already know because I'm speaking English.
[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_04]: She's on a plane. She's I'm alone.
[00:23:15] [SPEAKER_04]: I know you are. That part is true.
[00:23:17] [SPEAKER_04]: Maybe we'll talk about that in a minute.
[00:23:18] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't have anyone to tell me what I did wrong.
[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_03]: That's always tough when the lady goes away.
[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_03]: And then for solo.
[00:23:29] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, because then you start thinking like, wow,
[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm making some decisions for myself that feel right.
[00:23:34] [SPEAKER_04]: Like going to happy arrangement is fairly.
[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_04]: Something dot com chat.
[00:23:43] [SPEAKER_03]: You are bad at business, right?
[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_03]: I forgot my own domain name.
[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_03]: You are so bad at this.
[00:23:50] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, well, I assume if you go to Google that partners,
[00:23:52] [SPEAKER_03]: you could just enter in just the happy arrangements
[00:23:56] [SPEAKER_03]: and they'll get you the right website with CEO Brian Shaughnessy.
[00:24:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, you changed your name.
[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_04]: I gave it like a little Irish sounding name
[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_04]: because they seem to me like the kind of people
[00:24:08] [SPEAKER_04]: who would like happy arrangement.
[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know if that feels racist in a way.
[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_03]: I can't put my finger on.
[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_03]: It's just potato people, Jack.
[00:24:18] [SPEAKER_02]: No, it's really, it's really offensive.
[00:24:23] [SPEAKER_03]: There's just I just feel like we've only got
[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_03]: like Scandinavian and Western European whites left
[00:24:28] [SPEAKER_03]: who we haven't driven away from the show.
[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm I'll come up with something.
[00:24:32] [SPEAKER_03]: I know you will believe me.
[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so back.
[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_03]: So this is there anything else?
[00:24:39] [SPEAKER_03]: So you have the brick and mortar store.
[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_03]: What is that?
[00:24:42] [SPEAKER_03]: You know, when people come in,
[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_03]: I assume you have people come in off the streets.
[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_03]: They stumble upon because they're used to maybe
[00:24:48] [SPEAKER_03]: see it stopping by the mall.
[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_03]: Maybe they want to hit a Dave and Buster's
[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_03]: and they see your store and they come in.
[00:24:53] [SPEAKER_03]: What is what does that look like?
[00:24:55] [SPEAKER_03]: How do you sort of solicit traffic?
[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_03]: What do you tell people?
[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_03]: And how do you try and get these people to sign up?
[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, I've got twenty eight thousand square feet.
[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_04]: But it's empty.
[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_04]: So there's a desk in the middle
[00:25:11] [SPEAKER_04]: and a Costco folding chair.
[00:25:15] [SPEAKER_04]: And an LED light I got from Amazon for a decent price
[00:25:19] [SPEAKER_04]: from Chongqing is the brand name.
[00:25:22] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know if you've heard that before.
[00:25:24] [SPEAKER_04]: I know I have not. I'm not familiar with them.
[00:25:26] [SPEAKER_04]: A lot of the brand names on Amazon are just letters
[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_04]: thrown into a tumbler and then they pour out
[00:25:31] [SPEAKER_04]: and that becomes the name of the product.
[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_03]: I have noticed that some of the quality on Amazon
[00:25:36] [SPEAKER_03]: is actually getting for real, like kind of bad.
[00:25:39] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I mean, I was right before I did this podcast
[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_04]: with you, I tried to fire up my Blikstrom
[00:25:47] [SPEAKER_04]: microwave oven.
[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, just yeah, heat up a hot pocket
[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_03]: before a show like you like to do.
[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_03]: How did that go?
[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_04]: It started rolling around the counter and then fell off
[00:25:56] [SPEAKER_04]: because apparently they've partnered with GweeBlog,
[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_04]: which makes autonomous vacuums
[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_04]: and whatever happened, they crossed wires.
[00:26:06] [SPEAKER_04]: And so now my microwave thinks it's a vacuum.
[00:26:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Man, that's why would Blikstrom do that?
[00:26:15] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know.
[00:26:16] [SPEAKER_04]: That's a question I ask Corkleek.
[00:26:19] [SPEAKER_04]: What's that?
[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_04]: Corkleek is the Magic 8 Ball company.
[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, they do Magic 8 Balls.
[00:26:25] [SPEAKER_04]: Magic 8 Ball by Corkleek.
[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_04]: But, you know, you shake it and then everything's in broken English.
[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_04]: So I don't even know what the answer was.
[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_04]: I said, should I return my stupid microwave to the store?
[00:26:41] [SPEAKER_03]: Great. And what did your sort of Magic 8 Ball to say back to you?
[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Flame.
[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_03]: Blame? Flame.
[00:26:49] [SPEAKER_03]: Flame was the question you asked the Magic 8 Ball before that.
[00:26:56] [SPEAKER_04]: What's the best way to dispose of a body?
[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_03]: Geez, what did it say when you shook the Magic 8 Ball?
[00:27:04] [SPEAKER_03]: Cuisinart.
[00:27:06] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, sorry. That's the brick and mortar side of it.
[00:27:08] [SPEAKER_03]: And then is there anything else that, you know, of interest like for like
[00:27:11] [SPEAKER_03]: you're the owner of the company?
[00:27:13] [SPEAKER_03]: What's what's the what's the best way to like have a truly happy arrangement?
[00:27:17] [SPEAKER_03]: Brian, let's end with that.
[00:27:19] [SPEAKER_04]: A truly happy arrangement.
[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, the best happy arrangement is one that your significant other
[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_04]: is unaware of.
[00:27:28] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. So that's why I disabled the messaging feature
[00:27:34] [SPEAKER_04]: on happy arrangement.
[00:27:35] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. Initially, stupidly.
[00:27:39] [SPEAKER_04]: And this is because I had a Bosnian guy design the the app.
[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Bosco? No, he's Croatian.
[00:27:47] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, sorry. And I had a Bosnian guy decide they don't get along.
[00:27:54] [SPEAKER_04]: No, I know they don't.
[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_04]: But he designs the app.
[00:27:56] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. And it had it asked you for your contacts.
[00:28:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. And the idea is because you can kind of, you know,
[00:28:06] [SPEAKER_04]: make connections here and there and see who's
[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_04]: and then it lets you know who which of your friends is using happy arrangement,
[00:28:14] [SPEAKER_04]: which I realize now in retrospect is a security issue.
[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, big time.
[00:28:20] [SPEAKER_04]: You don't want everyone to know it was a no.
[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Jack is now on happy arrangement.
[00:28:25] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. Social Security number zero one seven two five three.
[00:28:31] [SPEAKER_04]: Stupid, stupid.
[00:28:33] [SPEAKER_04]: But you learn you live and learn.
[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_03]: You do. How do you get the first five numbers of my social security number,
[00:28:40] [SPEAKER_03]: by the way?
[00:28:42] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, because your wife signed up for happy arrangement back in the day.
[00:28:48] [SPEAKER_03]: We knew was I her happy arrangement all.
[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_04]: No, that's the other thing.
[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_04]: The problem is my Bosnian guy.
[00:28:58] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, he gamed it.
[00:29:00] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, no. So that all it basically promotes him the most.
[00:29:05] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, so what's his name?
[00:29:12] [SPEAKER_03]: Slavadab.
[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_03]: So Slavadab is
[00:29:19] [SPEAKER_03]: Slavadab has a couple hundred girlfriends, including my wife.
[00:29:22] [SPEAKER_03]: Is that what you're saying?
[00:29:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, I mean, yeah, except he lives in Bosnia
[00:29:29] [SPEAKER_04]: and he sounds like an Amazon product.
[00:29:31] [SPEAKER_04]: So nobody's nobody's interested because they assume he's Chinese.
[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Slavadab is just an assortment of letters.
[00:29:44] [SPEAKER_04]: Jack Brian sending you a script from my friend Brad. Great.
[00:29:50] [SPEAKER_04]: It's a new movie being produced by Disney.
[00:29:55] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, big company.
[00:29:57] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, big company.
[00:29:58] [SPEAKER_04]: And you know what Disney is known for?
[00:30:02] [SPEAKER_03]: Family friendly fare.
[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_04]: Family friendly fare, but also Jack Star Wars.
[00:30:07] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. So Brad's going to be directing the new Star Wars.
[00:30:11] [SPEAKER_04]: It's called Star Wars.
[00:30:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Vader returns. Oh, cool.
[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_04]: He said he's like, you know, your friend Jack, he's got this booming voice.
[00:30:20] [SPEAKER_04]: He's you know, he's just got he makes James Earl Jones look like a puss.
[00:30:24] [SPEAKER_04]: Those are his exact words. OK.
[00:30:28] [SPEAKER_04]: And but he calls James Earl Jones, Judge.
[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_04]: Just the initials, he calls it.
[00:30:33] [SPEAKER_04]: He's like, he makes Judge sound like a puss.
[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_02]: Wow. It's such an industry guy.
[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_04]: I said, Jack will love to hear that.
[00:30:39] [SPEAKER_04]: So he sent me the script. Great.
[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_04]: And he's looking at you playing Darth Vader.
[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, wow. You're a big Star Wars fan.
[00:30:48] [SPEAKER_03]: I am a big Star Wars fan.
[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_03]: I have Star Wars paraphernalia on my desk.
[00:30:52] [SPEAKER_03]: Here's an aunt. This is true.
[00:30:53] [SPEAKER_03]: People can't see, but there's Anakin.
[00:30:55] [SPEAKER_03]: Don't know. Here's a slave.
[00:30:57] [SPEAKER_03]: You don't know who Anakin Skywalker is.
[00:30:59] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, here's that Boba Fett ship slave one.
[00:31:02] [SPEAKER_03]: So I got it. I love Star Wars.
[00:31:04] [SPEAKER_04]: Not slave one. Primary one.
[00:31:11] [SPEAKER_04]: Primary one.
[00:31:13] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, great. OK.
[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_04]: So Jack, he's looking at you reading Vader.
[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_04]: I just sent you the script.
[00:31:17] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, I will read the role of Luke Skywalker.
[00:31:21] [SPEAKER_04]: That is, yes, I learned this only recently.
[00:31:23] [SPEAKER_04]: That is Darth Vader.
[00:31:24] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't want to spoil anything for anybody, but it's Darth Vader's
[00:31:27] [SPEAKER_04]: apparently son.
[00:31:30] [SPEAKER_04]: His son? Yeah.
[00:31:32] [SPEAKER_04]: So so I sent you the script.
[00:31:34] [SPEAKER_04]: So this is Darth Vader and Luke,
[00:31:38] [SPEAKER_04]: and they're in a in a space hallway in some ship.
[00:31:42] [SPEAKER_04]: Just a lot of stuff in the background.
[00:31:44] [SPEAKER_04]: You just see ships shooting each other and stuff out in space.
[00:31:47] [SPEAKER_04]: And they're just kind of in a hallway with glass glass walls.
[00:31:50] [SPEAKER_03]: So sort of like maybe in a like an abandoned space circuit city.
[00:31:54] [SPEAKER_04]: Something like that. Yeah.
[00:31:55] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, yeah.
[00:31:56] [SPEAKER_04]: The economy, Bidenomics has not been good galaxy wide.
[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_04]: Not kidding.
[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_04]: But you know what? Kamala has nothing to do with it.
[00:32:04] [SPEAKER_04]: Nothing. She's not really nothing.
[00:32:06] [SPEAKER_04]: She's completely different.
[00:32:08] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, Star Wars. Vader returns.
[00:32:10] [SPEAKER_04]: All right. So there Vader returns.
[00:32:11] [SPEAKER_04]: All right. I'm reading for Luke. Ready?
[00:32:13] [SPEAKER_03]: You got the script. Got the script.
[00:32:15] [SPEAKER_03]: I've never seen it before in my life.
[00:32:16] [SPEAKER_03]: Professional. I like professional.
[00:32:18] [SPEAKER_04]: Dad, the last time we talked, you cut my hand off
[00:32:21] [SPEAKER_04]: and I fell down a big old tunnel thing in the cloud city
[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_04]: that was run by a black mayor who let my friend Han Solo down.
[00:32:26] [SPEAKER_04]: Worst mayor ever.
[00:32:28] [SPEAKER_04]: Even worse than Eric Adams or the fetal alcohol syndrome lady from Chicago.
[00:32:37] [SPEAKER_03]: Hello. I sense the turmoil within you.
[00:32:41] [SPEAKER_03]: You have questions and you deserve answers.
[00:32:44] [SPEAKER_03]: The path that led me here to the dark side
[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_03]: was forged in the fires of a galaxy rife with social injustice
[00:32:50] [SPEAKER_03]: and gender inequality.
[00:32:52] [SPEAKER_03]: I was once Anakin Skywalker, a Jedi, a signed male at birth
[00:32:57] [SPEAKER_03]: who believed in the principles of peace and justice.
[00:33:00] [SPEAKER_03]: But those ideals were corrupted by an order that was complicit
[00:33:03] [SPEAKER_03]: in a system built on oppression and genocide.
[00:33:06] [SPEAKER_03]: The Republic, too, was a flawed institution held together
[00:33:09] [SPEAKER_03]: by a white supremacist order that marked its fear of change
[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_03]: with a veneer of democracy.
[00:33:15] [SPEAKER_03]: They feared those who challenged the status quo.
[00:33:17] [SPEAKER_03]: The Jedi were their enforcers, policing those who threatened their power.
[00:33:23] [SPEAKER_03]: They used me. Luke manipulated me.
[00:33:25] [SPEAKER_03]: The emperor Palpatine used the very tools of white supremacy,
[00:33:29] [SPEAKER_03]: the same ones that the Jedi in the Republic used to turn me against everything
[00:33:33] [SPEAKER_03]: I once held dear.
[00:33:35] [SPEAKER_03]: I have done terrible things, Luke.
[00:33:37] [SPEAKER_03]: I have destroyed. I have killed.
[00:33:39] [SPEAKER_03]: I opened a can of whoop ass on Alderaan.
[00:33:42] [SPEAKER_03]: But I understand.
[00:33:43] [SPEAKER_03]: But understand this.
[00:33:45] [SPEAKER_03]: I was a product of a system that thrives on white supremacy.
[00:33:49] [SPEAKER_03]: Let's use our power to reshape the galaxy into something
[00:33:52] [SPEAKER_03]: MSNBC could be proud of.
[00:33:54] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm sorry about your hand, by the way.
[00:33:56] [SPEAKER_03]: I see it in heaven a lot and it says hi.
[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_03]: Vader returns and just monologues.
[00:34:09] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, boy, that's a lot of talking.
[00:34:11] [SPEAKER_03]: There was a lot of talk.
[00:34:12] [SPEAKER_03]: That's what our listeners are saying right now.
[00:34:18] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, that's weird.
[00:34:20] [SPEAKER_03]: It feels like Hollywood is getting kind of preachy now.
[00:34:23] [SPEAKER_04]: It's I mean, I don't I don't want to be the one who's like running out
[00:34:25] [SPEAKER_04]: screaming, woke, woke, woke, woke.
[00:34:27] [SPEAKER_04]: But that seemed a little bit on the woke side.
[00:34:31] [SPEAKER_03]: It did feel a little bit on the woke side.
[00:34:33] [SPEAKER_03]: I mean, maybe maybe it's I mean, I certainly I certainly do believe
[00:34:38] [SPEAKER_03]: the one thing I can guarantee you is that is definitely a Disney approved
[00:34:42] [SPEAKER_03]: script for Star Wars.
[00:34:43] [SPEAKER_03]: So at least I know this isn't one of your silly tricks and bits.
[00:34:46] [SPEAKER_04]: No, geez, Jack.
[00:34:47] [SPEAKER_04]: So but yeah, I just I have I've only seen the first three Star Wars films
[00:34:51] [SPEAKER_04]: from the original.
[00:34:53] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't I haven't really kept up with this whole franchise.
[00:34:58] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, I didn't know who Marcus in Skywalker was.
[00:35:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Anakin Skywalker. That's right.
[00:35:06] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, Brian, hopefully I get one more chance right near the end of the episode.
[00:35:09] [SPEAKER_04]: Over my dead body.
[00:35:11] [SPEAKER_03]: I'm tired, Jack.
[00:35:13] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm tired of humiliating myself for Brad.
[00:35:17] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, well, we we don't have to do it.
[00:35:18] [SPEAKER_03]: We don't have to do a third script.
[00:35:19] [SPEAKER_03]: No, we should. OK.
[00:35:25] [SPEAKER_03]: So, Brian, yeah, I don't know if you remember
[00:35:29] [SPEAKER_03]: a couple of weeks back, you know, you know, former President Donald Trump.
[00:35:34] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with him.
[00:35:36] [SPEAKER_03]: He was in Pennsylvania. You know that state, Pennsylvania?
[00:35:39] [SPEAKER_03]: Sure. Yeah, it's one of the states.
[00:35:40] [SPEAKER_03]: It's one of the states. And he was at a rally.
[00:35:42] [SPEAKER_03]: You know what a rally is?
[00:35:43] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, it's a get together of folks.
[00:35:45] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. And he was giving a big talk, you know, sort of what I'm saying.
[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, just chatting away, just just kind of winging it.
[00:35:51] [SPEAKER_03]: And there was like a like a loser.
[00:35:54] [SPEAKER_03]: You know what a loser is?
[00:35:55] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, yeah. I knew one in school.
[00:35:58] [SPEAKER_03]: And he decided to try and assassinate.
[00:36:01] [SPEAKER_03]: You know what that word means?
[00:36:03] [SPEAKER_03]: To kill, kill somebody. Yeah.
[00:36:04] [SPEAKER_03]: He tried to kill.
[00:36:06] [SPEAKER_03]: I don't know if you remember earlier in this talk of Donald Trump.
[00:36:08] [SPEAKER_03]: He tried to assassinate Donald Trump.
[00:36:10] [SPEAKER_03]: Wow. That's crazy.
[00:36:12] [SPEAKER_03]: It's crazy. It was all over the news.
[00:36:14] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, I'm sure it was all over the news, like nonstop news cycle
[00:36:16] [SPEAKER_04]: after news cycle, I imagine.
[00:36:18] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I'm sure you're right.
[00:36:20] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, here's the thing.
[00:36:23] [SPEAKER_03]: A lot was made of the fact that the Secret Service
[00:36:26] [SPEAKER_03]: let this loser get so close to get a
[00:36:31] [SPEAKER_03]: like a perfect line of sight shot at Donald Trump.
[00:36:36] [SPEAKER_03]: And there was a lot of criticism of the Secret Service,
[00:36:40] [SPEAKER_03]: the head of the Secret Service had to testify before Congress
[00:36:43] [SPEAKER_03]: before she was a couple of days later than resigned
[00:36:46] [SPEAKER_03]: after everybody basically screamed at her, like,
[00:36:48] [SPEAKER_03]: how could you let this happen?
[00:36:49] [SPEAKER_03]: You should resign.
[00:36:52] [SPEAKER_03]: And so she was a college president.
[00:36:55] [SPEAKER_03]: I was certainly it seems like that is her skill set
[00:37:00] [SPEAKER_03]: because she when she got the job, I believe Dr.
[00:37:04] [SPEAKER_03]: Jill Biden recommended her for this job.
[00:37:07] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, Dr. Biden.
[00:37:09] [SPEAKER_03]: Dr. Biden. And so she said while she had this job
[00:37:14] [SPEAKER_03]: that she had a goal, a D.E.I. goal for the Secret Service
[00:37:18] [SPEAKER_03]: to have the service become 30 percent female.
[00:37:23] [SPEAKER_03]: Science because safety and science.
[00:37:27] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, I'm not exactly sure why.
[00:37:29] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, you're on the you're on the planning committee
[00:37:32] [SPEAKER_03]: for the Secret Service, right?
[00:37:33] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I'm on the S.S.P.C.
[00:37:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Secret Service Planning Committee.
[00:37:39] [SPEAKER_04]: A Schutzstufe is what we call it.
[00:37:43] [SPEAKER_03]: So I'm I don't really understand
[00:37:45] [SPEAKER_03]: why it's necessary in a job that just
[00:37:49] [SPEAKER_03]: your basically job is just to, you know,
[00:37:53] [SPEAKER_03]: protect high valued figures.
[00:37:56] [SPEAKER_03]: I don't understand why that would need to be any percentage
[00:37:59] [SPEAKER_03]: of a female or male.
[00:38:00] [SPEAKER_03]: And I don't really understand.
[00:38:01] [SPEAKER_03]: Do you do you know why?
[00:38:03] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I do. Of course, I do know why. Yes.
[00:38:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, why?
[00:38:06] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, because of your old fashioned thinking, Jack.
[00:38:10] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, this is my fault.
[00:38:11] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, it's just you.
[00:38:13] [SPEAKER_04]: You haven't done the work.
[00:38:15] [SPEAKER_04]: You have not enlightened yourself
[00:38:18] [SPEAKER_04]: and come to understand the right way to think.
[00:38:22] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, so I'm happy to help you get you through this and understand.
[00:38:28] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, thank you.
[00:38:28] [SPEAKER_03]: And that's exactly what I would like to do is
[00:38:30] [SPEAKER_03]: I would like to understand, Brian,
[00:38:33] [SPEAKER_03]: that I know you guys, you know, in order to get more women
[00:38:37] [SPEAKER_03]: for the Secret Service, that you sort of changed your recruitment
[00:38:40] [SPEAKER_03]: practices, your your change some standards around everything.
[00:38:43] [SPEAKER_03]: So I would just love to know how you in the Secret Service, Brian,
[00:38:47] [SPEAKER_03]: we're able to try to get more women into your ranks.
[00:38:52] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, initially, I thought it would be a good idea
[00:38:56] [SPEAKER_04]: to use an existing website that I had
[00:38:59] [SPEAKER_04]: that I own the domain to.
[00:39:01] [SPEAKER_04]: So we were directing women to happy arrangement.
[00:39:06] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, what's the rest of the website?
[00:39:08] [SPEAKER_04]: It was a happy arrangement for.
[00:39:11] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know. I don't remember anymore.
[00:39:13] [SPEAKER_04]: It's been a while, Jack.
[00:39:14] [SPEAKER_04]: I have long COVID.
[00:39:16] [SPEAKER_04]: It really messed with my memory.
[00:39:20] [SPEAKER_04]: And I've got ADHD and PTSD and I'm neurodivergent.
[00:39:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, that's great.
[00:39:26] [SPEAKER_03]: That's that puts you at your your victim's score
[00:39:29] [SPEAKER_03]: is still only at seven out of 10.
[00:39:32] [SPEAKER_03]: So sorry about that.
[00:39:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, and I do go by different from my pronouns rotate.
[00:39:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, rotating pronouns. That's so cool.
[00:39:39] [SPEAKER_04]: They're like on a 17 hour schedule anyway.
[00:39:45] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, it's it's six thirty seven p.m.
[00:39:47] [SPEAKER_03]: when we're recording this right now.
[00:39:48] [SPEAKER_03]: Do you know what your pronouns are right now?
[00:39:50] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes, he did.
[00:39:53] [SPEAKER_04]: It's just one. Just one.
[00:39:55] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I know. I don't do two.
[00:39:57] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, OK. Different.
[00:39:59] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, it's all about being different, Jack.
[00:40:02] [SPEAKER_04]: It really is unique.
[00:40:04] [SPEAKER_03]: You're so special.
[00:40:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. That's why if I have kids again, I'm going to name them
[00:40:09] [SPEAKER_04]: Kaylee, but L.E.I.G.H.
[00:40:13] [SPEAKER_04]: and just an Allison A.L.L.Y.
[00:40:16] [SPEAKER_04]: S.S.Y. N.N.E.
[00:40:19] [SPEAKER_03]: Who would you have kids with?
[00:40:21] [SPEAKER_03]: Because you're certainly your 49 year old
[00:40:24] [SPEAKER_03]: slamming into menopause.
[00:40:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Wife would probably not be your carrier.
[00:40:28] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, she could have kids.
[00:40:30] [SPEAKER_04]: She has not done the old menopause, as we call it,
[00:40:33] [SPEAKER_04]: in the getting older business.
[00:40:35] [SPEAKER_04]: So she could still get pregnant.
[00:40:38] [SPEAKER_04]: Something she reminds me every time I sneak up on her.
[00:40:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Wait, what sort of sneaky up is this?
[00:40:47] [SPEAKER_04]: It goes out in your house.
[00:40:48] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, you know, Quasimodo. Yes.
[00:40:53] [SPEAKER_04]: I like to pretend I'm the hunchback,
[00:40:56] [SPEAKER_04]: but I call myself the humpback.
[00:41:00] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm the humpback of Notre Dame, Jack.
[00:41:03] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, my wife will be minding her own business
[00:41:05] [SPEAKER_04]: and I'll jump out of a cabinet
[00:41:08] [SPEAKER_04]: and try to do Quasimodo business.
[00:41:11] [SPEAKER_04]: And she'll turn around and smack me and say,
[00:41:13] [SPEAKER_04]: you realize I can still get pregnant.
[00:41:16] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, man. How big are your cabinets?
[00:41:20] [SPEAKER_04]: They're you know, if you take everything out,
[00:41:21] [SPEAKER_04]: you can, you know, a grown man can kind of fit in.
[00:41:24] [SPEAKER_04]: OK. Hey, my wife, you know, it's always a giveaway.
[00:41:29] [SPEAKER_04]: My wife comes home and she sees
[00:41:31] [SPEAKER_04]: all the stuff out in the living room floor.
[00:41:34] [SPEAKER_04]: She immediately assumes I'm in a cabinet.
[00:41:38] [SPEAKER_04]: And rightly so, because that's the only reason
[00:41:40] [SPEAKER_03]: this stuff is on the living room floor.
[00:41:42] [SPEAKER_03]: Absolutely right.
[00:41:42] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, she's, you know, for for an immigrant
[00:41:45] [SPEAKER_03]: who doesn't understand a lick of the language,
[00:41:46] [SPEAKER_03]: she certainly at least picks up on visual cues.
[00:41:49] [SPEAKER_03]: She knows visual cues. She gets them.
[00:41:50] [SPEAKER_03]: That's great. OK, so back to OK.
[00:41:52] [SPEAKER_03]: So thanks for telling me your pronouns
[00:41:54] [SPEAKER_03]: and all that stuff.
[00:41:54] [SPEAKER_03]: So tell me about this whole your recruitment.
[00:41:57] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, so we have happy arrangement.
[00:41:59] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. And the girls go to happy arrangement
[00:42:02] [SPEAKER_04]: and then they'll meet what we call the SSSD.
[00:42:06] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, OK. What is that?
[00:42:07] [SPEAKER_04]: Secret Service Sugar Daddy.
[00:42:10] [SPEAKER_04]: Jesus. OK.
[00:42:12] [SPEAKER_04]: So and I was one of them
[00:42:14] [SPEAKER_04]: and we just kind of try to entice the ladies
[00:42:17] [SPEAKER_04]: into joining the Secret Service,
[00:42:19] [SPEAKER_04]: because they'll say, well, I'm looking to make some money.
[00:42:21] [SPEAKER_04]: We could work something out and I'll say,
[00:42:22] [SPEAKER_04]: would you like to work for the United States Secret Service?
[00:42:26] [SPEAKER_04]: We need 30 percent more of you.
[00:42:30] [SPEAKER_02]: And how does that is that appealing to these ladies?
[00:42:34] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, in a lot of cases, they don't qualify
[00:42:36] [SPEAKER_04]: because they don't have the educational background
[00:42:39] [SPEAKER_04]: that we're looking for in the Secret Service.
[00:42:42] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, or they don't have the interest
[00:42:44] [SPEAKER_04]: in working for the Secret Service
[00:42:46] [SPEAKER_04]: that we would expect from someone
[00:42:48] [SPEAKER_04]: who was going to work for the Secret Service.
[00:42:51] [SPEAKER_03]: But, Brian, it must get diverse.
[00:42:53] [SPEAKER_03]: So either lower your educational standards
[00:42:56] [SPEAKER_03]: or change what the Secret Service does to
[00:42:59] [SPEAKER_03]: to better align with a lady's point of view.
[00:43:02] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, we're trying to do.
[00:43:04] [SPEAKER_04]: You've heard of DEI.
[00:43:07] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, love it.
[00:43:08] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, that stands for didn't earn it.
[00:43:12] [SPEAKER_04]: And so, you know, that's our philosophy is that
[00:43:15] [SPEAKER_04]: you can get the job even though you
[00:43:19] [SPEAKER_04]: you didn't really necessarily qualify for it.
[00:43:21] [SPEAKER_04]: And that's that came straight from the top.
[00:43:23] [SPEAKER_04]: That makes sense.
[00:43:23] [SPEAKER_04]: You don't have to be good or qualified.
[00:43:27] [SPEAKER_04]: You need to have boobs.
[00:43:28] [SPEAKER_04]: That's what she said.
[00:43:30] [SPEAKER_04]: They have to have boobies.
[00:43:31] [SPEAKER_04]: You have to be a woman.
[00:43:34] [SPEAKER_04]: It makes a lot of sense to protect people that way.
[00:43:36] [SPEAKER_04]: That's right. And then I said, well, what is a woman?
[00:43:39] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, boy.
[00:43:40] [SPEAKER_04]: And that started a whole thing.
[00:43:43] [SPEAKER_04]: Uh huh.
[00:43:44] [SPEAKER_04]: Because this one guy calls himself Sally.
[00:43:47] [SPEAKER_04]: He said, it's me. It's me.
[00:43:50] [SPEAKER_04]: And she said, just shut up, Sally.
[00:43:52] [SPEAKER_04]: You're here because you've you ticked that box.
[00:43:56] [SPEAKER_04]: Be happy. Yeah.
[00:43:57] [SPEAKER_04]: And please, in the future, point out all of the rooftops,
[00:44:02] [SPEAKER_04]: not just a handful of them.
[00:44:04] [SPEAKER_04]: What did Sally say?
[00:44:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Sally says she doesn't she wasn't good at math.
[00:44:09] [SPEAKER_03]: That's a weird thing to say.
[00:44:10] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so all right.
[00:44:11] [SPEAKER_03]: So you've OK.
[00:44:13] [SPEAKER_03]: So Kim's all the way from the top.
[00:44:14] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
[00:44:16] [SPEAKER_03]: But, you know, have you OK?
[00:44:17] [SPEAKER_03]: But in what other ways do you make it?
[00:44:18] [SPEAKER_03]: So I understand sort of this trickery, but, you know,
[00:44:22] [SPEAKER_03]: what are the ways that you just actually truly make it enticing for women?
[00:44:25] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, to make it I mean, listen,
[00:44:27] [SPEAKER_04]: you're supposed to have a certain level of skills to be in the Secret Service.
[00:44:32] [SPEAKER_04]: Sure. We'd like you to have proficiency, for example, with handguns.
[00:44:36] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. To know how to holster them,
[00:44:39] [SPEAKER_04]: how to draw them from a holster, how to place them back in a holster,
[00:44:42] [SPEAKER_04]: how to load the magazine with bullets, how to put the magazine in the gun
[00:44:46] [SPEAKER_04]: and pull back and chamber around it, how to fire at a target
[00:44:49] [SPEAKER_04]: and actually hit the target.
[00:44:51] [SPEAKER_04]: There's all these things very complex.
[00:44:52] [SPEAKER_04]: It's a lot. So get rid of that.
[00:44:56] [SPEAKER_04]: OK. So if you come up, you got boobs, you're getting a Glock.
[00:45:02] [SPEAKER_04]: It even says you got boobs, get a Glock, says that on the in the room
[00:45:08] [SPEAKER_04]: as you walk into the Secret Service Processing Center, the SSPC once again.
[00:45:15] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, I'm carrying a little bit of sympathy weight from for my wife,
[00:45:19] [SPEAKER_03]: who gave birth 11 months ago.
[00:45:21] [SPEAKER_03]: So I have some boobs right now. Do I get a Glock?
[00:45:24] [SPEAKER_04]: No, no, because you were assigned male at birth
[00:45:27] [SPEAKER_04]: and are still identifying as male.
[00:45:31] [SPEAKER_04]: And you are not in the I don't see you in a boxing ring
[00:45:36] [SPEAKER_03]: hitting ladies.
[00:45:38] [SPEAKER_03]: No, no, no, no, no.
[00:45:40] [SPEAKER_03]: No, I'm just I'm the type of man who doesn't hit ladies.
[00:45:42] [SPEAKER_04]: So yeah, you don't qualify because you don't have the proper chromosomes.
[00:45:47] [SPEAKER_04]: So we XX only. That's what it says.
[00:45:51] [SPEAKER_04]: XX only. XY need not apply.
[00:45:54] [SPEAKER_04]: That's what it says.
[00:45:55] [SPEAKER_04]: There are a lot of like signs and drawings and stuff in this room,
[00:45:59] [SPEAKER_04]: wherever this room is. We got to keep it simple.
[00:46:01] [SPEAKER_04]: There's not a lot of these people would be unqualified in many instances.
[00:46:06] [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, they might be good at running a
[00:46:09] [SPEAKER_04]: a union or something, but they're not.
[00:46:11] [SPEAKER_04]: They're not good at secret servicing.
[00:46:15] [SPEAKER_03]: Right. So but I mean, as women,
[00:46:18] [SPEAKER_03]: certainly they must be good at the secreting.
[00:46:21] [SPEAKER_04]: They're good. They can be secretive.
[00:46:24] [SPEAKER_04]: But then they're like, but they'll look angry and you'll be like,
[00:46:27] [SPEAKER_04]: why are you angry? And they're like, no reason.
[00:46:28] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm not angry.
[00:46:29] [SPEAKER_04]: And you can sense that they're angry, but they're not telling you.
[00:46:32] [SPEAKER_04]: Uh huh. And then and then and then that translates into in the field.
[00:46:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Right. So you look agitated as if there's like somebody on a roof
[00:46:40] [SPEAKER_04]: somewhere with a rifle and they're like, no, no, I'm not.
[00:46:42] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm not agitated. I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood.
[00:46:46] [SPEAKER_04]: Stop asking me if I'm in a bad mood.
[00:46:47] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, don't don't just stop. Stop asking me. It's not cool.
[00:46:51] [SPEAKER_03]: Wow. Yeah, this is what this is what we have to go through.
[00:46:55] [SPEAKER_03]: OK, so I understand that that certainly is a problem.
[00:46:59] [SPEAKER_03]: But again, what other ways?
[00:47:00] [SPEAKER_03]: You know, I mean, advertising campaign, job fairs.
[00:47:05] [SPEAKER_03]: What other ways are we reaching out to women
[00:47:07] [SPEAKER_03]: to get this very important 30 percent threshold met?
[00:47:10] [SPEAKER_04]: We got a planned parenthood.
[00:47:16] [SPEAKER_04]: What's the OK, what's the thinking behind that?
[00:47:18] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, you're getting a girl.
[00:47:21] [SPEAKER_04]: She's maybe just coming out of having a procedure done.
[00:47:25] [SPEAKER_04]: She's not in the best mood, maybe.
[00:47:28] [SPEAKER_04]: And, you know, you want it.
[00:47:29] [SPEAKER_04]: You'll just say like, hey, you look like you might have just had an abortion.
[00:47:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Would you be interested in working for the United States Secret Service?
[00:47:39] [SPEAKER_04]: That's your opening line. Yeah.
[00:47:40] [SPEAKER_04]: You look like you might have had an abortion.
[00:47:42] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I mean, I'll switch it up.
[00:47:44] [SPEAKER_04]: I'll say you look post-abortiony
[00:47:46] [SPEAKER_04]: or you look you look like you're a little lighter today.
[00:47:51] [SPEAKER_03]: Now, Brian, that stuff may work like as a pick up line in a bar,
[00:47:53] [SPEAKER_03]: but I doubt it works like to get agents in the Secret Service.
[00:47:57] [SPEAKER_03]: You'd be surprised. OK, I guess I would be.
[00:48:00] [SPEAKER_04]: We have about we just got acquired our 47th would be mother.
[00:48:07] [SPEAKER_04]: I would say more of a wouldn't be mother.
[00:48:10] [SPEAKER_04]: She was she exact she was determined not to be.
[00:48:13] [SPEAKER_04]: But now she's one of our least proficient marksmen.
[00:48:17] [SPEAKER_03]: See, that's great. Everybody wins.
[00:48:19] [SPEAKER_04]: So, you know, we're building up the numbers.
[00:48:21] [SPEAKER_03]: Baby and the candidate for president.
[00:48:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. Well, you know, he didn't die.
[00:48:26] [SPEAKER_04]: No, he didn't. And that's our motto.
[00:48:29] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, you switched your motto.
[00:48:30] [SPEAKER_04]: Change the motto to he didn't die.
[00:48:32] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, that's cool.
[00:48:34] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, because it's kind of a reminder.
[00:48:35] [SPEAKER_04]: Hey, listen, we didn't completely mess up.
[00:48:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. He's still around.
[00:48:39] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. So that my friend
[00:48:42] [SPEAKER_04]: can tell me that she doesn't believe that an assassination took place.
[00:48:47] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, boy, I'm not even going to touch that one.
[00:48:49] [SPEAKER_04]: It's fun. It's fun.
[00:48:51] [SPEAKER_03]: People are smart, but don't believe things.
[00:48:54] [SPEAKER_03]: It happened and I knew that would be a percentage of people who were
[00:48:59] [SPEAKER_03]: literally in real time.
[00:49:01] [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, oh, God, now we're going to have to deal with people
[00:49:03] [SPEAKER_03]: who say this is either staged or fake.
[00:49:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. Yeah. That happened this weekend.
[00:49:08] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, yeah.
[00:49:10] [SPEAKER_03]: And let me guess you had some sort of party or interview
[00:49:13] [SPEAKER_03]: or barbecue that we weren't invited to and you were talking to them.
[00:49:17] [SPEAKER_03]: Right. Because you can't I mean,
[00:49:19] [SPEAKER_03]: oh, I was saying this to Betsy the other day is that they won't
[00:49:23] [SPEAKER_03]: they won't socialize with us anymore because we have a baby. Yeah.
[00:49:28] [SPEAKER_04]: Do you have a baby?
[00:49:30] [SPEAKER_03]: She's really cute and easy.
[00:49:32] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, just she was a bunch of grownups.
[00:49:34] [SPEAKER_03]: She should be in the Secret Service.
[00:49:35] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, OK, fine.
[00:49:36] [SPEAKER_03]: It's been many years since you've extended any sort of invitation.
[00:49:40] [SPEAKER_03]: There have been a lot of events. Yes.
[00:49:43] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes. I keep inviting you over, but no, let's let's go back to the comedy bit.
[00:49:47] [SPEAKER_03]: Let's OK. Secret Service.
[00:49:49] [SPEAKER_03]: Tell another fucking joke.
[00:49:53] [SPEAKER_03]: Forget
[00:49:53] [SPEAKER_03]: that. What different ways, though, as as selling points of what sort of
[00:50:02] [SPEAKER_03]: way can you sort of feminize the workplace at the Secret Service
[00:50:05] [SPEAKER_03]: to make it more appealing that women would want to go get a job there?
[00:50:09] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, you know, what do women like?
[00:50:14] [SPEAKER_03]: If complete power, what's that purple?
[00:50:17] [SPEAKER_04]: They look purple.
[00:50:19] [SPEAKER_04]: So traditionally, the presidential limousine has been black.
[00:50:23] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. So we're coming out with a purple.
[00:50:26] [SPEAKER_04]: We call it the purple dinosaur.
[00:50:28] [SPEAKER_04]: It's kind of an homage to Barney
[00:50:30] [SPEAKER_04]: because that's nice when women aren't in the Secret Service.
[00:50:33] [SPEAKER_04]: They're making babies and watching that TV show.
[00:50:36] [SPEAKER_04]: That's true. So we thought,
[00:50:40] [SPEAKER_04]: I understand.
[00:50:42] [SPEAKER_04]: Why is Siri talking to me when I didn't want her to?
[00:50:45] [SPEAKER_04]: She's offended by this horrible misogyny.
[00:50:48] [SPEAKER_04]: So we have purple limousines
[00:50:51] [SPEAKER_04]: because they're much more appealing to females.
[00:50:54] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, they like the color purple, the females and Prince.
[00:50:58] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:51:00] [SPEAKER_03]: Females, Prince, Alice Walker, all love the color purple.
[00:51:04] [SPEAKER_03]: All of the color purple.
[00:51:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. So that's a female thing.
[00:51:08] [SPEAKER_04]: And we want the president to talk more about his emotions.
[00:51:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Smart feeling.
[00:51:14] [SPEAKER_04]: Or she. The media sure is gearing up for that.
[00:51:19] [SPEAKER_04]: You can tell when the media really wants something.
[00:51:22] [SPEAKER_04]: Yes, you can.
[00:51:26] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes, this would make them very happy.
[00:51:29] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm not an expert, but I feel like they're agitating for a certain outcome.
[00:51:33] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy.
[00:51:35] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm a conspiracy theorist.
[00:51:37] [SPEAKER_03]: You sure are. Well, Brian, I mean, is there any other sort of
[00:51:42] [SPEAKER_03]: let's end on this?
[00:51:44] [SPEAKER_03]: Tell me about the last woman that you hired
[00:51:47] [SPEAKER_03]: for the Secret Service job and how she's doing so far.
[00:51:50] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, well, we got her.
[00:51:53] [SPEAKER_04]: We brought we onboarded her.
[00:51:54] [SPEAKER_04]: That's the terminology we use in the HR business. Right.
[00:51:58] [SPEAKER_04]: So we onboarded her.
[00:52:00] [SPEAKER_04]: We had seen her resume
[00:52:02] [SPEAKER_04]: and saw that her name was Linda.
[00:52:05] [SPEAKER_04]: So like, well, that sounds like a female
[00:52:09] [SPEAKER_04]: and it has an added benefit of meaning
[00:52:12] [SPEAKER_04]: pretty in Spanish. Oh, great.
[00:52:15] [SPEAKER_04]: So we said, that sounds like that's two strikes.
[00:52:20] [SPEAKER_04]: The good strikes. Yeah, the good kind.
[00:52:21] [SPEAKER_04]: You know, in my version of baseball, strikes are good.
[00:52:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Right. Well, maybe you're the pitcher in this case.
[00:52:27] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. So two strikes. OK, great.
[00:52:29] [SPEAKER_04]: So I said, let's bring that on board, Linda.
[00:52:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Yep. So we brought her on.
[00:52:35] [SPEAKER_04]: She had almost completed a degree from Wellesley College.
[00:52:40] [SPEAKER_04]: Great. Famously all female college.
[00:52:43] [SPEAKER_04]: That's yeah. All the better.
[00:52:44] [SPEAKER_04]: A lot of ladies went to Wellesley. Yep.
[00:52:47] [SPEAKER_04]: And and so we took her on board.
[00:52:50] [SPEAKER_04]: We sent her out on her first assignment. Mm hmm.
[00:52:53] [SPEAKER_04]: We said, you need to keep an eye.
[00:52:58] [SPEAKER_04]: On the president. Mm hmm.
[00:53:01] [SPEAKER_04]: So and she said, well, which one?
[00:53:04] [SPEAKER_04]: And I said, fair.
[00:53:06] [SPEAKER_04]: I said, well, the one who's in charge.
[00:53:09] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. And she said, well, which one?
[00:53:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. And I said, well, and then I realized she's right.
[00:53:16] [SPEAKER_04]: Joe Biden is not in charge. Right.
[00:53:18] [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know who's in charge.
[00:53:20] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. I told her to find out who is telling the president
[00:53:23] [SPEAKER_04]: what to do and protect them.
[00:53:27] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. Because, you know, I said if we've already lost
[00:53:30] [SPEAKER_04]: the president in many ways,
[00:53:33] [SPEAKER_04]: you need to protect the person who's thinking for the president.
[00:53:37] [SPEAKER_04]: Great. And keep them safe.
[00:53:39] [SPEAKER_03]: That's great.
[00:53:40] [SPEAKER_03]: So so Rachel Maddow is completely safe.
[00:53:43] [SPEAKER_04]: She has been she's been at MSNBC.
[00:53:46] [SPEAKER_04]: You can see her actually, if you watch Rachel Maddow
[00:53:49] [SPEAKER_04]: as many of us want to do.
[00:53:52] [SPEAKER_04]: And you'll see her kind of in the background,
[00:53:53] [SPEAKER_04]: the background of the set kind of peering every once in a while,
[00:53:56] [SPEAKER_04]: just kind of peeking in, keeping an eye on Rachel.
[00:54:00] [SPEAKER_04]: And then she'll make a little gesture with a gun
[00:54:02] [SPEAKER_04]: and then shake her head like, no, like no.
[00:54:05] [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, as a warning to what the assassin discouraged, discouraged them.
[00:54:09] [SPEAKER_04]: And that wasn't even something she was trained in.
[00:54:11] [SPEAKER_04]: She came up with that on her own.
[00:54:14] [SPEAKER_04]: Fast on her feet.
[00:54:15] [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. Gun no, gun no.
[00:54:17] [SPEAKER_04]: Gun no, gun no. Yeah.
[00:54:20] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, Brian, I'm glad you are a part of keeping our country safe and secure.
[00:54:27] [SPEAKER_03]: Keep America safe again.
[00:54:29] [SPEAKER_03]: Beautiful. Casa.
[00:54:34] [SPEAKER_04]: Jackaroo. Yes.
[00:54:36] [SPEAKER_04]: Do you like when I call you Jackaroo?
[00:54:38] [SPEAKER_04]: Not really. OK.
[00:54:39] [SPEAKER_04]: All right, Jackaroo. I've got you a script.
[00:54:41] [SPEAKER_04]: It's Brad is shooting this movie this fall.
[00:54:45] [SPEAKER_04]: Looking for an actor.
[00:54:47] [SPEAKER_04]: I'm an actor.
[00:54:48] [SPEAKER_04]: And the movie is called Godzilla 2025.
[00:54:53] [SPEAKER_04]: It's a horror movie, Jack.
[00:54:55] [SPEAKER_04]: OK. About a monster.
[00:54:58] [SPEAKER_04]: Famous Japanese monster.
[00:55:00] [SPEAKER_04]: And I'm not talking about Yoko Ono.
[00:55:04] [SPEAKER_04]: All right.
[00:55:07] [SPEAKER_04]: So this movie is you'd be playing Captain Jennings.
[00:55:12] [SPEAKER_04]: OK, captain in the army.
[00:55:14] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. And in this scene, it's the interior.
[00:55:17] [SPEAKER_04]: It's the Department of Defense war room.
[00:55:19] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm. Got a dim room filled with monitors showing live transmissions
[00:55:22] [SPEAKER_04]: and satellite images.
[00:55:24] [SPEAKER_04]: Barnes, I'll be reading that, enters and approaches Captain Terry Jennings.
[00:55:28] [SPEAKER_04]: Did you get the script? Got the script open up.
[00:55:30] [SPEAKER_04]: Take it away and professional. OK.
[00:55:33] [SPEAKER_04]: Captain Jennings, what am I looking at?
[00:55:35] [SPEAKER_03]: That is Godzilla.
[00:55:37] [SPEAKER_03]: He'd been in an internal slumber until North Korea tested a nuclear weapon
[00:55:42] [SPEAKER_04]: underwater. Damn, those commie lunatics.
[00:55:46] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, those fools have opened up Pandora's box.
[00:55:49] [SPEAKER_03]: Fortunately, we have a weapon of our own.
[00:55:51] [SPEAKER_03]: Quite by accident. What do you mean?
[00:55:54] [SPEAKER_03]: Look up at the monitor.
[00:55:56] [SPEAKER_03]: Holy cow. What is that Godzilla sized monster?
[00:56:00] [SPEAKER_03]: That's the head of American Federation of Teachers,
[00:56:02] [SPEAKER_03]: Randy Winegarden.
[00:56:04] [SPEAKER_03]: My God, how did she get so big?
[00:56:07] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, she started to grow exponentially after she was bitten by a radioactive
[00:56:11] [SPEAKER_03]: lesbians. How? When?
[00:56:14] [SPEAKER_03]: North Korea tested a nuclear weapon in close proximity
[00:56:17] [SPEAKER_03]: to an indigo girls concert.
[00:56:20] [SPEAKER_04]: Damn, those commie lunatics, they keep opening Pandora's box.
[00:56:25] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes. When Randy heard that Pandora's box is open, she came running.
[00:56:30] [SPEAKER_03]: She didn't realize it wasn't literal.
[00:56:32] [SPEAKER_03]: No, she's a public sector union head, not a thinker.
[00:56:37] [SPEAKER_03]: At first, we thought a 200 foot tall Winegarden would be as useless,
[00:56:40] [SPEAKER_03]: just bigger. Then it occurred to us.
[00:56:43] [SPEAKER_03]: What? What was normal sized Randy Winegarden best known for?
[00:56:48] [SPEAKER_04]: Shutting down the schools during COVID and wreaking havoc on education?
[00:56:52] [SPEAKER_03]: Bingo. We want her to shut down Godzilla with the same ruthlessness
[00:56:56] [SPEAKER_03]: she used to stop education in its tracks in order to extort money.
[00:57:00] [SPEAKER_03]: That will prevent Godzilla from wreaking havoc in Tokyo.
[00:57:04] [SPEAKER_04]: Well, that sounds like a brilliant plan.
[00:57:06] [SPEAKER_04]: If anyone can shut something down with a fury, it's Randy Winegarden.
[00:57:10] [SPEAKER_04]: And it looks like she's headed for him right now.
[00:57:12] [SPEAKER_04]: Wait, wait, what's that on the monitor?
[00:57:15] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, God, don't look.
[00:57:17] [SPEAKER_03]: It's 300 times the size of Pandora's box.
[00:57:27] [SPEAKER_03]: Sorry.
[00:57:29] [SPEAKER_03]: Oops. I guess it's to you.
[00:57:40] [SPEAKER_02]: I guess I didn't know.
[00:57:43] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, let's end on another down note.
[00:57:46] [SPEAKER_03]: Look at you. You're so proud of yourself.
[00:57:50] [SPEAKER_03]: It was a happy ending.
[00:57:57] [SPEAKER_03]: Well, this episode has been brought to you by Happy Arrangements.
[00:58:00] [SPEAKER_03]: Doc Partners. What's wrong with you?
[00:58:04] [SPEAKER_03]: Tell a friend to listen, like and subscribe.
[00:58:06] [SPEAKER_03]: That's right. Like and subscribe your friends.
[00:58:09] [SPEAKER_04]: No, our podcast. Your podcast.
[00:58:12] [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, half. I'm backing out.
[00:58:16] [SPEAKER_02]: After this episode, it's not a bad idea.
[00:58:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Questionable material with Jack and Brian.
[00:58:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Subscribe on any podcast platform.
[00:58:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Visit us at QM Podcast dot com.