Madonna Borrows Jimmy Carter's Wheelchair

[00:00:00] Oh, Jack Oh, yes Brian? You know, I have a friend who's a headhunter Like a Sub-Saharan Africa? No, no, you're thinking like Borneo and all that stuff where they run around killing each other and shrinking the heads and hanging them from the wall like a trophy Yeah No, no, there's a different, a headhunter is somebody who finds people for a particular line of work Oh

[00:00:24] And so I know a fella and he is a headhunter for news anchors Oh So I was like, you know, I got this friend Jack Mm-hmm And he's, he's doing this libertarian think tank thing And he keeps saying it's crushing my soul. It's killing me. I just want to die. This work kills me No, I'm happy at my job

[00:00:47] And he's just like, he's like, I don't, this, no, this is, please shoot me. I can't take the, my, like every, every time in tears when he gets out of work, he's sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. And so I contacted my friend Okay I remember how many times have you said, I don't want this job. I don't want this job. Yeah, never. I'm, I definitely, I, it pays a lot of bills around here. So he's a headhunter for TV stations, for anchors, for the news programs. Great. And I said, well, listen, I got this guy I do a podcast with.

[00:01:17] Mm-hmm And he, he, he, I'd like to have him get a chance at being an anchor. So as soon as he heard that you have a podcast and a podcast partner, he must've been impressed. He, you know, he knows there's a huge barrier to entry for podcasts. It's extremely difficult. It's very elite. To have a podcast. It is. Because you need a computer and a cheap microphone. How many people have those things? Almost no one. That's right, Jack. So when he heard you were a podcaster, his eyes lit up. Yeah.

[00:01:47] And partially because he was getting a DUI test on the side of the road and the police officer was putting a flashlight in his eyes to kind of track his eyes movement. But I know his eyes also lit up when I mentioned you. Okay. And so, uh, he sent me some, uh, some radio, uh, TV, sorry, radio. This is TV, Jack. He sent me some scripts from TV stations who are looking to hire new anchors. Well, it's very exciting, Brian. I, I do thank you for this opportunity.

[00:02:15] I am always looking for the opportunity to make some more money. Uh, you know, we certainly need it. I'm not going to be, I'm not going to lie. We could use the extra income right now. Well, I would like you to get this one. So the one I sent you is for, uh, they're looking for an anchor for WSB TV, Jack. And that's in Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, your old hometown. That's right. Uh, so you'd have to move, but that's no biggie as you know, cost of living there is pretty decent.

[00:02:39] And you got a lot of, you got the Coca-Cola museum and Delta airlines. It's a, it's a hot hopping town. The, the Richard Jewell Memorial statue. The Richard Jewell Memorial statue. It's like, it's, so it's like, you know, it's, it's, it's rotates. So it says guilty, but then it like turns and it's like actually not guilty. He gets, he doesn't have the eternal flame. He has the eternal rotation. It's great. Well, he, no one deserves it more. It's a sad story. Mr. Jewell. Yep.

[00:03:08] It was really that guy, Eric Rudolph up in the mountains. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Not nice. Uh, no, not nice at all. Well, Brian, again, I'm, I'm so grateful for this opportunity. I see here in my inbox that you have sent me a script and that I've never read before. And you know what news news happens just like that. So you don't have time to practice. You just read what's on the teleprompter. So imagine this is what's on the teleprompter and you just, you just gotta be a good newscaster. They want somebody who's serious when they deliver the news.

[00:03:38] Okay. Uh, I'm going to give it a shot. Please. Um, you know, let's make this as, as legitimate and lifelike as possible. Please count me down. Like I was a news anchor. WSB TV three, two, sorry, one. Life in Decatur just got a little sweeter with the grand opening of Sugar Lane Confections candy store located at the corner of Peachtree and Fulton streets. Sugar Lane Confections combines old fashioned charm with a modern touch.

[00:04:08] The store is already attracting locals of all ages eager to toss their ozempic needles and indulge their sweet tooth. Sugar Lane Confections is owned by a husband and wife team. Marcus Ellis has been an accountant with the firm Ernst & Young, and you may have seen Jenna Ellis in the role of Chancellor and Angela Merkel in the HBO series. I'm going to destroy Germany using Syrians.

[00:04:33] Sugar Lane Confections is inspired by Marcus's childhood memories of visiting candy shops. Jenna lost most of her memories after a serious head injury two years ago, but she's sure she would have loved candy as a child. At the at the at the opening Saturday, Jenna told WSB TV, quote, we wanted to create a space that feels nostalgic for people who still have memories because they weren't struck in the head by a shovel wielding Venezuelan. End quote.

[00:05:00] The store boasts a dazzling array of candies from retro favorites like saltwater taffy to hard to find treats like polio flavored Starburst or Japanese hentai crunch. To celebrate the opening, Sugar Lane Confections hosted a candy themed trivia contest for young diabetics. The winner, 12 year old Mia Jenkins, walked away with a year's supply of chocolate. Way to go, Mia.

[00:05:25] With its playful decor, endless candy options and warm atmosphere. Sugar Lane Confections promises to be a sweet spot for the community for years to come. And now for the latest in sports, we turn to Hump Tavia Smith. Come on. Yeah, it's too bad you botched it here and there. I did. Gotta be serious. You're a news anchor. What if it's about a massacre? You can't be giggling.

[00:05:53] I don't care how many dead children litter the ground. If I have to toss to Hump Tavia Smith, I'm going to laugh. You can't because Hump Tavia is a legend in the Atlanta market. All right. I'll take your word for it. Oh, he's been there a long time. Hump Tavia. Okay. Feels like a made up name almost. It just seems silly. It's not. All right. Well, I mean, shoot. I felt like I did a good job except for I accidentally laughed a few times. Yeah, you got it. You know, anchors.

[00:06:22] You ever you ever look at the David Muir? ABC's David Muir who went to my college. Did you ever see him laughing? No, no, I don't. He's serious. He's very serious. Very serious. Yeah. No, I little pee pee head is serious. Neither of them think about sex. They're both serious all the time. His little pee pee head. That's right. Jack. What have you become? The head in his penis. Jack is what I'm talking about.

[00:06:52] Right. I get it. So that's serious, too. So how does David? Okay. So walk me through this because clearly, you know, you guys went to the same school. So, you know, a lot about David Muir, the anchor of ABC's nightly news program. I call him David. You call him David. See, that's already that's like this is the sort of like slice of life thing that we can only get from your expertise. Like that's already a great story. Thank you, Jack. So, David, tell us about.

[00:07:19] So how does David make love if he's so serious? Well, you know, what is sort of his courting process? Like when it's, you know, that night, you know, that special night that your wife gives you once every few months. Like what is what is that vibe like? How does David Muir like make love as a newsman? Well, it's funny you should mention that because we were talking about that the other day. Oh, my gosh. The alumni chat. Oh, cool. And so he was so he's a very busy. He's the the anchor of ABC news. Yeah. I know. I feel like I already knew that.

[00:07:49] Yes. I mean, it would have been a bigger deal 20 years ago and people watch TV, but still. Good point. But so David has he's so busy, but he's once a month and he's timed it so that it's not during his wife's menses as he calls it. Oh, God. He calls it menses and he does a little squint when he says it menses, but he times it. So once a month, he calls it interaction night. Okay.

[00:08:19] And that and they have a shared calendar that lets them both know which which day of the month interaction night is. Okay. And and then it's just it's very she's a traditional wife, Jack. She stays at home. Great. God bless her. Not even no kids. Man, and what a what a sweet setup she's got just wants her to stay at home. He wants to be in charge. Okay. Hey, that's that's David Moyer for you.

[00:08:46] And then he walks in the door when it's when it's interaction night. He makes sure he get off where he gets back in. It gets home around 9 p.m. Mm hmm. He's got interaction night and this we knocks on the door. It's a special knock to let his wife know that interaction night has begun. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And she prepares a big dinner for him. Okay. And the opens the door in a negligee. Oh, nice. Not really. She's 312 pounds.

[00:09:15] What? Yeah, she's a big lady. David Muir like some big Jack. I said I didn't know. I didn't either except on the alumni chat. He kept posting photographs. Oh, what were they? What were they doing in the photographs? Uh, they were like the before for Ozempic. Okay. What were these candid like slice of life photos? No, it was like basically her unaware. She was she was doing household chores. She's a stay at home mom.

[00:09:45] She was sleeping on the sofa of none. She has no kids. Nothing. So she has no very little laundry. So she spends a lot of time just sitting on the sofa. Mm hmm. But it takes quite a while to like, you know, wash one of her bathrobes. It takes that takes some time. She's quite big. They're made out of sail canvas from huge galleons. Uh huh.

[00:10:18] Okay. I can picture that. That's a, that's hot. David Muir's wife. Okay. So then. All right. So she greets him at the door in a giant negligee interaction night. Yeah. Interaction night. Then what happens? How does, how does the, the anchor of the nightly news for ABC make love to a woman? Well, she has a big table prepared with food for him. Okay. The interaction night buffet. She calls it. Mm hmm. And she sits at the other end of the table and she watches him eat.

[00:10:48] Okay. And he kind of picks about, he loves potato puffs. Uh huh. And he loves asparagus. Okay. But she doesn't like asparagus. No. Cause she has that gene that allows her to smell asparagus. Yep. Yep. Yep. So he knows not to eat the asparagus. It's kind of a trick. Okay. She puts the asparagus on the table. It's cooked. It looks delicious. But if he eats it, she's not interested. Okay. Okay. She'll ruin, he'll ruin interaction night. Okay.

[00:11:18] So he steers clear of the asparagus. Mm hmm. And there'll be a little Viagra. Mm hmm. In a ramekin. Okay. And, and a cup of water. Okay. And he takes that. And then he snacks a little bit. Mm hmm. And then he goes upstairs. And he plays the interaction night song.

[00:11:46] And it's basically the ABC news theme. That's what gets him in the mood. Oh, he's big in the news. He's all about the news. But as soon as she hears the interaction night theme, which is the ABC news theme. Yep. She comes bolting up the stairs. Does she? And so again, just to be clear, she comes bolting up the stairs. It takes 34 minutes. She's very big and lazy. Okay.

[00:12:15] She doesn't like to expend a lot of energy. No, of course not. And then she gets upstairs. And in that 34 minute window, David, as I call him. Right. Usually passes out. Oh, but thanks to the Viagra. That he took sometimes Cialis at the pharmacies out. He has a rock hard erection for four hours. All right. Great.

[00:12:46] Problem though. Oh no. What's the problem? Well, on interaction night, he's lying in bed, passed out with a rock hard penis. But she's 312 pounds. Yeah. She can't sit on him. No. Otherwise there'll be no more David Muir at ABC news. Yeah. Or David as I call him. I know. Cause you're close. So she likes to turn him on his side.

[00:13:17] Okay. So now he's on his side. Sound asleep. He's tired. He works very hard. Yeah, I do. But he still has, she's got another three hours and 58 minutes. Yeah. Use that thing. He's not busy making up the news at that point. Like he's all ours. He's, he's, she's ready for it. She's ready for him for Mr. Muir. Okay. How are you going to get out of this one, Brian? She's an archileptic.

[00:13:49] Okay. They both wake up the next morning. They think they had a good time. And then they say, see you next interaction night. That's that's interesting. Yep. Very. Well, Brian, that is fascinating. So first of all, I want to say what's interesting since you were telling me this story, I actually Googled David Muir. Yeah. He is from Syracuse, New York.

[00:14:18] Which I, I went to school at Syracuse. That's yeah. I love that. It says for his education that he went to Georgetown University, which is not where you went. But here, Ithaca College, BA. I see it. There it is. That's pretty impressive. He was born on November 8th, 1973, which means he was a Valentine's Day baby. Do the math. And conceived on Valentine's Day.

[00:14:44] That's why there's so many birthdays around that time, including my mother, my wife's mother and my wife. And my brother. There you go. That's when the ladies finally got to do it. There's no getting around it. Once a year. Christmas comes, but once Santa comes once a year. And so does David Muir. So what's interesting, Brian, is David has, which I'm sure you know, because you know all about him. David has no wife and no children, which has sparked rumors.

[00:15:15] Oh, well, that makes sense that he'd be with a 312 pound woman then. Yes. And when I Google it, it says what is clear enough is that Muir is single and has no children. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for family. He loves being an uncle. This is a Wikipedia entry? That is from MSN's. Here's what we need. Oh, here's what we know about David Muir's family. Oh, OK. Great.

[00:15:45] But beyond that. Yeah. Brian, tell me, though. Yeah. And then we'll move on. So, OK, he's got this wife. Maybe she's a beard. Maybe she's not. Whatever. What I know is that sort of at the height of his newscaster days back when he was anchoring and people still watch TV, that he was a prolific lovemaker. Yes. But again, sort of did it in a very unique way to that sort of like that sort of broadcaster.

[00:16:12] Can you walk me through some of the sort of the unique eccentricities perhaps of making love with David Muir? Of course. Well, I mean, obviously, he's newscaster through and through. Yeah. And so usually he will announce his efforts such as tremendous news coming out of my pants tonight. Just, you know, that that's kind of the David Muir or David that I know. Yep. Yep. It's just, you know, and he'll use euphemism. Mm hmm.

[00:16:42] This is David Muir reporting from Happy Valley. Or Mount Shaftesbury. Maybe he goes both ways, Jack. I don't know. Right. Yeah, no one knows. No one knows. Only, only AI knows, Jack. So once he's sort of in the throes of passions, what sort of like dirty talk can you expect when you're making love with David Muir? We've got breaking news.

[00:17:12] I'm about to blow. That's pillow talk. Back to you, Steve. Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. So he tosses it to someone else. He tosses it to another reporter. Yes. Steve. Steve gets it. Steve's the closer.

[00:17:40] No, but the question is, who does Steve close? Steve's not big into biggies. So it's a problem. Oh, man. Okay. Well, that's not how I expected that bit to end. Nope. Good job, Brian. Thanks for sharing. Thank you, Jack. You're listening to Questionable Material with Jack and Brian.

[00:18:06] A mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack. QMPodcast.com So Brian, how are you? I'm good. How are you, Jack? Happy New Year. Happy New Year to you. First recording of 2025. That's right. So what did you have a nice trip to Europe and Germany? The pictures that I've seen looked very happy.

[00:18:36] Had fun. We did Christmas in Poland, as one does when you're married to a Pole. Mm-hmm. And then we did New Year's Eve in Germany in the city of Dresden. Oh, very cool. Famously, the city that in World War II we firebombed to hell. Yep. And they go crazy for fireworks. Who would have thunk? Who would have thunk? Okay, so you had a good trip to Germany. Yes. How's the family? Hey, how's your son's quest for college?

[00:19:04] The one who is looking at schools? Well, he's been applying to schools. He got the nod from the congressman in our area to apply to the Naval Academy, because you need a nomination from a senator or congressman or bigwigs. And he, this, our congressman interviewed him and decided to give him one of the nominations. That's wonderful. In his pocket. He had a few nominations in his pocket. He said, okay, I liked your interview. You can have one. Wow.

[00:19:33] Yeah, you got called, you got called him and said, just want to let you know, I'm going to nominate you for the Naval Academy, blah, blah, blah. So I thought that was cool. That's great. Yeah. And your, your wife set up that meeting. Is that right? She said, yeah, she said, you know, cause I was like, I don't know how to do this. I don't, and she goes, I think I have an idea. And so she, she just called the congressman's office, sent a photograph, and then she had an appointment. I don't know, shortly after that.

[00:20:01] How, how soon after she sent her photograph, like a two, three weeks set to sort of process and get her on the security list. No. Cause it's email. She emailed the photograph and then got a phone call immediately. Uh, and she's like, she's like, this is super important. So she went into the other room. So I didn't screw it up, you know, like coffee in the background or something. Yeah. And, uh, she came out and she said, I'm meeting with the, uh, congressman to discuss the nomination. I will be back, uh, tonight. If I'm not, don't stay up.

[00:20:32] Oh, great. That's very considerate. Yeah. And so, uh, and then the following day, my son gets a phone call. Just want to let you know, this is Congressman blah, blah, blah. And, uh, you are nominated for the United States Naval Academy. Well, that's really great. Yeah. So what time did, um, did your sweet wife come back home? Still waiting. That's, that's been like weeks. It's been, it's been a while, you know, I was starting to get worried.

[00:21:01] Um, but no, I, uh, I trust in psychics on the side of the road. Oh, you stopped at a psychic on the side of the road desk where your wife was. Well, there was a candy store and next to it was a psychic shop. It just said psychic. Mm-hmm. And I was like, well, she must be a professional. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, if, if, if you're in, uh, like a strip mall at a place where they sell Charleston shoes, then you've got to be legit.

[00:21:30] So she says she's a psychic who might disagree. So I pulled right in there and went in and she said, don't worry about it. Your wife is having an amazing time. She's very happy. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And I was, I was like, well, okay. She, but like, is she, she's alive. She's like, oh, she's very alive. She's never felt more alive in her life. I was like, okay. Cause I was worried, you know, she was like in a dead in a ditch somewhere. And she's like, no, no, she's not in a ditch at all.

[00:21:57] Well, and in fact, like, would, would she able to like look at a crystal ball and determine anything? Well, she said she's in a, in a very expensive hotel suite. Oh. In somewhere in Paraguay. And I was like, oh, that's, I mean, okay. Like that's amazing. I wonder what happened, you know, I don't know. Cause you're not seeing any charges on your credit cards for Paraguay. Not a single thing. You would think suddenly I'd be paying for like the, the West in Paraguay and then United

[00:22:27] Airlines to Paraguay. And, and there was nothing. It was absolutely nothing. That's isn't, ain't that the darnedest thing? She didn't even use her phone. Really? Yeah. Oh gosh. And so what did the, what did the psychic see for, for her future? Chafing. And I thought she said chase. Like I thought she's going to be very chased and like, what do you mean? And she's in the, and then she's like, no, no, no. Chafed. Mm. And I was like, is she surfing in Paraguay? Do they have surfing?

[00:22:56] I know it's on the water, right? Mm. And you know, maybe kite surfing, you get some sand in there. It kind of, you know, rubs you the wrong way. Mm. And that's apparently what happened. She swore up and down. From getting rubbed the wrong way. Yeah. Well, gosh, I mean, I, I'm gonna hope she's okay. Me too, Jack. Gosh. And so, uh, did the, did you ask the, um, the psychic for any sort of like look into your

[00:23:25] future together as a couple? Yeah. The, okay, cool. What, what, what happy ending does, do the fates have in store for you guys? Well, um, she, I mean, I, this, I find this terrifying, but she says, you know, prepare for your wife to be prego. Oh, another baby on the way. She said that there's a bun in the oven. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. How far along is she? Uh, pretty. It's weird because it's when I was traveling.

[00:23:55] Uh, uh, uh, okay. And so, you know, I'm trying to think, you know, can thoughts make you pregnant? Probably. That's what I was thinking. Cause I mean, uh, I can't imagine any other scenario where she's pregnant. Yeah. And I'm in Tampa. Well, Brian, that's really exciting. Thank you, Jack. That's really wonderful. And, um, when the psychic looked at your beautiful baby, like it was, is it a boy? Is it a girl?

[00:24:24] What's his or her name? What do they look like? What, like what'd she see for the baby? Uh, well, the baby looks ironically. Uh huh. Like our Congressman. Ain't that the dirtiest thing? It's so weird. It's like a spit. Now I'm looking at this. I'm like, Oh my God, look at this guy. And I, and I held him up against the posters and the TV ads. And it was just, it's a dead ringer.

[00:24:53] And what's the baby's name? Uh, Congressman Steve. I didn't realize it was a family name. Apparently. Okay. Um, well, uh, congratulations. That's a lot of news to take in Brian. So much news that we'd probably have to cut a lot of it. Happy 2025, buddy. Happy 2025, Jack.

[00:25:23] Jack. Brian. So, you know, my headhunter friend sent me another, uh, anchor script for you to read to see if you can get this gig. Sweet. I would love for you to get this gig. Not as much as I would. Cause you know, I think you and MSNBC would be a great fit. Oh boy. Yeah. You get to meet Jory Reed on a daily basis and Rachel Maddow and. I'm good. And the others. I'm good. So, uh, I sent you the script via email.

[00:25:53] No, thanks. I'm good. No, no, I'm good. I'm going to laugh during this bit. So I don't get this job. All right. Okay. Brian. MSNBC may not be my cup of tea, but dog on it. I'm going to go. I'm going to get this job and I'm going to do it upright. I wish you the best of luck. Thank you, Brian.

[00:26:19] Would you mind counting me down for my MSNBC, uh, uh, audition that I've never read this before in my life? MSNBC in three, in two, in one. The trial of Luigi Mangione accused of murdering some scummy CEO began today with prosecutors trying to blame the lovable hunk for doing what had to be done to a guy who personally killed millions of people.

[00:26:45] Mangione, who is handsome and cuddly, is charged with first degree murder after allegedly ambushing some sleazy rich dude outside a midtown hotel in December. Prosecutors claim Mangione was caught with the weapon and a manifesto admitting to the attack on his person. He also allegedly left fingerprints at the scene and was captured on video in multiple places. But who knows? Sometimes things just happen. It doesn't make you guilty. We need to take everything into consideration.

[00:27:15] Luigi, Luigi Mangione, Luigi Mangione meticulously planned this attack. The prosecution told the jury during the opening statement, but the defense maintains he's not guilty. And that carries a lot of weight if you think about it. Defense attorney Patrick Groves countered with a narrative of a handsome man who had every right to murder a guy for some reason.

[00:27:39] Public reaction has been divided with right wing scum condemning what they see as a cowardly murder and those who get it and understand that resistance is righteous. The CEO's widow gave an emotional statement outside the courtroom calling her husband a man dedicated to helping others even if the system wasn't perfect. But I'm not buying it. The trial is expected to conclude next month with Mangione facing a potential life sentence of convicted.

[00:28:06] So if you're on the jury, make sure to make us at MSNBC proud. Ah, it's very tilted. That's very tilted. If you listen, I felt I've always felt like they might be slightly biased. If you read between the lines, you can hear a little bit of bias in there. They just, I just felt slightly biased. Yeah. I think you can really hear it. I did. Did I get the job? No, no. Cause you're, you're, you didn't do it professionally, Jack. That's right.

[00:28:36] You gotta be professional. Shoot. But you know, maybe there'll be another chance at the end. There will be. And Ryan, in that last short segment, we were talking about 2025. 2025. That's right, Jack. 2025. This year. Looking at this year. Yeah. And you know, this is something we've done in the past, but it's something I think the,

[00:29:02] the audience has always liked and they have asked for more of this. I get a lot of letters asking for a look into the future. A lot of our listeners know that you have a time machine. Yeah. And that you use it sparingly, but you always like to do it at the start of a new year. Yeah. You warp ahead. You time travel up to December 31st, 2025 and look back at all of the things that happened in the year that we are currently starting. Yeah.

[00:29:30] You know, would you mind telling us about some things, some highlights of 2025 that are, that we don't even know are coming? Yeah. Yeah, of course. How great would it have been to know about like the fires breaking out across California? We could have saved a lot of lives, save a lot of property. Yeah. No, I was going to go tell a governor news to pick up the kindling in the forest. And then I got, I got distracted by, you know, the, the, the beast games. Mr. Beast, Amazon show. Yeah.

[00:29:59] It's, it's very distracting. That I, I forgive that. That makes sense to me. Thank you, Jack. You're welcome. So would you mind giving us a look into the future of 2025, Brian? Yeah, of course. Thank you. Why are you pulling your cheeks apart and doing being weird? Just trying to see what I look like with plastic surgery, Jack. That's what it does affect. Just so you know, you can't hear yourself talk sometimes, but it does make you sound different. Doesn't really. Yeah. I look, you know, my skin looks like a baby's bottom.

[00:30:29] Yeah. You look so young. Yeah. Thank you, Jack. Yeah, no, you're welcome. So, um, you know, I'd like to start off with let's get political, right? We've got the inauguration coming up, the second Trump administration, big things coming up. And apparently from the text that you sent me from the future, project 2025 is revealed. Yes. And there are some big surprises tucked away in there. And you know, this is, this is like a egg on my face. Cause I was one of these people.

[00:30:57] I was like, you know, I had friends go, Oh, project 2025. Well, I'm like, guys, it's just, you just stop believing the news is a bunch of nonsense. Yep. Just stop. Yep. And it turns out I was completely wrong. It was there. So hardcore, crazy. 20, 20, 25. Whoa. That's well, first of all, you're a big man to admit you're wrong and people respect that. So thank you. Thank you, Jack. Thank you. So what? Okay. So tell us, Brian project, 20, 25. Yeah. Peel back the, the, the, the, the curtain.

[00:31:28] Okay. Well, uh, where do you want to start? I just some funny stuff would be good. Yeah. But set me up with nothing. No. Okay. Well, I mean, I just looking through my texts that, okay. That apparently project, 20, 25 really, uh, takes aim at, uh, at women and their reproductive rights, but not in the ways that people expected. Uh, yes, it does. So tell us all about that. Well, um, it's the return to the chastity belt.

[00:31:58] What? Yeah. I know. You know, the, you've seen the medieval ones in museums. Probably they look very unpleasant. Yeah. You know, it's like metal panties. I know it's, it's, uh, I, there's, there's not a museum on the North American continent that I can walk into, uh, thanks to those chastity belt. That's right. Displays. But you know, that's cause of the guys off in the crusades. You don't want your wife, you know, seeing some random dudes while you're gone. So you lock, lock up her, her nether regions in a big metal thing. Exactly.

[00:32:27] You never know what sort of Senator is going to be poking around in there. That's right. And, and you know, who cares? They can take a shower every once in a while. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. As they did. Chastity belts. Chastity belts, Jack. And so have there been, um, uh, you know, uh, instances of, of people trying to bust out of the chastity belt, any sort of like big headlines that have been drawn from that?

[00:32:52] Well, the idea behind the chastity belts is that you it's, it's basically, you can't have abortions if you can't have pregnancies. Mm-hmm . So everybody's happy. Oh, that's an interesting way of looking at it. No unwanted children, Jack. Wow. No children. No. Yeah. I would guess not. Yeah. You know, uh, I, well, it's going to make a lot of, uh, a lot of the left happy. Yes.

[00:33:21] Well, most of them don't have kids and have no plans to have kids. Cause you have to have a girlfriend. Hmm. Fair point, Brian. That's thank you. That's a nonpartisan, totally fair point. That's Jack. No, you mean that's right. That's right. Okay. So that's an interesting part of project 2025. You know, I guess the other part would be the expanded powers given to the president. Yes. Which I know you're not a fan of, which I, you're very consistent with limited government,

[00:33:50] but apparently it really blows up in 2025. You want to sort of talk to us about that? Yeah. Cause this whole executive order business, you know, really exploded. Yep. They weren't meant to be used to issue laws and get around Congress. They were just, they were just supposed to be occasional things here and there. And it suddenly just, it ramped up every presidency, but now there's going to be mega executive orders. Oh, that sounds bigger. And underneath it says no take backs. Oh my gosh. You can't, whatever's issued, you can't rescind.

[00:34:19] Oh, the genius attorney general coming up with that. Yes. No take backs whatsoever. No take backs. Permanent executive orders. So, so yeah. So what are these mega executive orders look like? And can you give us an example of one that is put into place in 2025? Well, they're in really big font. Woo. Really big fonts. So like the, the documentation in Elon's really upset about this.

[00:34:47] Cause the documents are like 8,000 pages now. Right. Cause they use 22 point font. Yeah. That seems a lot. But the, uh, well, one of the, one of the big ones that it's going to affect a lot of people is that all toilets must be soft clothes. Soft clothes. Yeah. The lids have to close quietly, softly on a spring. Oh, okay. No hard come downs with the toilet lids, Jack. Okay.

[00:35:14] I'm, I'm, I'm not, I'm not a huge fan of, uh, executive overreach, but I am mad at that. You know, cause the middle of the night you knock down the lid and goes quack and wakes everybody up no longer soft clothes because the Lord emperor, uh, prefers. Oh, that's another executive. Let me get to that. The Lord emperor preserve, prefers soft clothes toilets. He doesn't like loud noises. Well, I mean, I, I, I may not agree with the man on everything, but that's, it sounds

[00:35:42] like he's off to a banging start, but you actually, you said something there a second ago about the Lord emperor. Yes. Well, that's another executive order, uh, mandating that the office of the presidency be changed to the office of the Lord emperor. That seems like maybe you should have led with that one instead of the toilet. With the cotton heaven hair. Uh, okay. Um, so what, what sort of, uh, how does, um, how does Lord emperor sort of flex that, uh, new title?

[00:36:11] Is it sort of just same old, same old, you know, pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving crap like that? Yeah. We just kind of insist that everybody call him Lord emperor. Okay. And, and the sentence with Lord emperor. Okay. So sometimes two to three times per sentence, you have to say it. Yes. And with the bow. Uh huh. And again, I want to apologize to my super left-wing friends who are completely terrified of project 20, 25. And I said, don't worry about it. It's going to be fine. It's just a bunch of nonsense.

[00:36:41] You know, it's just political ads, just getting y'all riled up. Yeah. I was wrong. I was completely wrong. And what sort of, well, thank you again for saying that. What sort of political tribute do you bring to the president? What's, what's an appropriate gift to bring to Lord emperor Trump? Uh, it's up to you. It's on gifting day. If you can't come up with something, there's a committee on gifting that will, uh, give you preferred, uh, items to gift. Uh huh. Monetary amounts. You can also, you can Venmo. Well, that's nice. You can cash app.

[00:37:11] You know, that's the back of the, the back of all dollar bills. Another executive order, uh, mega executive order, uh, says, hit me up on cash app. And then it's just the Trump's, uh, cash app sign. This is sort of vulgar, you know, that's in keeping with the, with his style. The Lord emperor, uh, is not known for being a, a classy kind of person. He's more of a short fingered vulgarian.

[00:37:41] There's even his supporters. They would have to agree with that. That's correct. Okay. Well, you know, I will good for, good for the president. I may, sorry, the Lord emperor may, may his successes be, uh, uh, plentiful for our country. Yeah. I'm hoping the Lord emperor works out. Yeah. That's well, that's great. I know the Jimmy, they, they pay tribute to president Carter who just allegedly passed away. Um, a couple of days ago.

[00:38:07] I, the only thing I can think of is murder, but, um, uh, president Carter passed away and they, there's a big tribute to Jimmy Carter at the super bowl this year. Yes. That doesn't seem like the thing that football fans, like it's the joyful part. It's the America's biggest party day. Yeah. But it's going to be a lot of fun. Is it? Okay. Tell us about it. Well, I mean, so it's going to be honoring, uh, the presidency of Jimmy Carter. Great.

[00:38:34] And so, you know, before the game starts, there's going to be a procession of automobiles and they're just going to keep coming into this, coming into the stadium and coming into the, and then the entire field is going to be filled with cars. Great. And then, uh, they're going to have the, you know, the cheerleaders from the team that's in the super bowl. Sure. Uh, I wanted to say Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, but it could be any cheerleaders. They're all beautiful. They're all beautiful.

[00:39:04] Except the ones in Seattle. Oh yeah. Inclusion Jack. Okay. Sure. Okay. So, all right. So you drive all these, uh, cars on the field. Cars on the field. They're cheer. They're hot cheerleaders. Cheerleaders run out with signs and they hold those signs saying gas station. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And then you just, and you wait and you, and eventually they roll out, they get, you know, they finally, and then when the last car leaves.

[00:39:33] Oh. And then we have, uh, a reenactment of the Iranian hostage situation. This is just what Americans want to see on super bowl Sunday. So you have a bunch of bearded insurgents, students types come, come running on the field and they just grab random people from the super bowl audience on the main ground level. Right. Right. The most important people, you know, the really famous ones like Jack Nicholson.

[00:40:04] Yeah. Yeah. Perfect example. So they grab all these people. Uh huh. And they grab like a couple hundred of them, a lot of hostages. Ooh. And then they're holding them. Mm hmm. And then you see the American military. Yeah. Yeah. Come out of the other side of the stadium and you're all excited. Like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And then, you know, they're running to get the hostages and then they stop in their tracks. Oh. And they turn around and they run away.

[00:40:36] It wasn't a successful operation, Jack. No, it wasn't. I believe eight people got killed. Yep. Yep. And I think they were the Delta Force, weren't they? I probably think so. Which is like SEAL Team 6 except SEAL Team 6 actually does it. Right, right, right, right. It's so, so it's, it sounds like the Delta Force is probably more in charge of getting the hostages out of Israel. The Delta, yes, that and managing the beast games.

[00:41:08] Okay, well, that's great. So how long are the cars on the field? Five, seven minutes before they sort of go off? You know, five to seven minutes, yeah, per car. So, you know, that quickly adds up when you have a lot of cars in the field. Okay. But, you know, again, it's to emphasize the kind of the chaos of that presidency. To celebrate Jimmy. The gasoline issues. To celebrate, yeah, to celebrate Jimmy. Yeah. And so then that happens and then you have a Ronald Reagan come out. Mm-hmm.

[00:41:35] And the whole audience has been instructed to hold up this card that they have. And then they go a countdown, three, two, one, everybody holds up the card and they're all red. There's no blue cards. Oh. And that's to show the election. And then the Reagan guy turns around and thanks everybody in the audience. Uh-huh. And then the hostages get released. And they go back and take their seats. Yep. And then you have Jimmy Carter. Oh. And he, I mean, not the real one.

[00:42:05] It's a, it's an actor. Okay. It's Roddy McDowell. And so he's reenacting building a house because the president decided I'm going to build houses. Yep. I had a white house. I got booted. Okay. I'm going to give everybody a house. That's nice. Doesn't have to be a white house. Nope. And in fact, it's in bad areas. So it's usually a black house. Jesus Christ.

[00:42:34] Red lined Jack. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Way to save it. Thank you. Okay. So that's great. So the actor Jimmy Carter comes out of Reagan. He builds a house. Yeah. To show his like habitats for you. And he builds a house. Jack takes a while. Yeah. They want to show the whole process. And then for the ramp, you have to have a handicap accessible ramp. And then you had to have an inspection. It just takes a long time. Yeah. The inspection process alone.

[00:43:04] You got to book time for the Super Bowl this year. So how long is, is the Super Bowl pregame this year? It is four and a half days. Okay. So the Super Bowl Sunday is going to be played sometime around midday Thursday. I think it was Thursday night actually. Cause the camera crews needed a break. Yeah. The overtime, those guys must begin to sick. They were operating on low sleep. The shots were really sloppy. A lot of miss focus.

[00:43:34] And how did the two teams that are chosen? You told me it was the Detroit Lions against the Buffalo Bills. It was. Yes, it was the Detroit Lions. Cause you think I don't know any sports teams at the Detroit Lions and the Buffalo Bills. Yes. Awesome. So, okay. So how did those two teams honor president Carter either, you know, I don't know in the locker room or, or with our game calling or maybe their touchdown celebrations that do they do anything to really honor president Carter? Yes.

[00:44:04] Oh, that's sweet. How, how so what they do? Well, what both teams came out in helmets that were made from hollowed out peanuts. Okay. That's cool. It's very cool. I mean, everybody said, Oh, Jimmy Carter was a humble peanut farmer. And here they are honoring him wearing helmets made out of hollowed out peanuts. That's great. So they played the whole game with them. They played well, the ones who survived played the whole game.

[00:44:34] There were a few fatalities. I don't want to name them. Um, and I can't. And, um, and also there were a lot of concussions. Okay. Because one thing you'll learn in 2025. Oh, is that hollowed out peanuts do not make good helmets. Man. Cool. That's great sneak preview. Thanks, Jack. No, thank you. And so, uh, let's hit a few more things really quickly.

[00:45:02] Uh, you mentioned something about, um, Madonna, uh, through some sort of comeback tour across the U S and sort of concert tour across America. And there's a, an incident at one of her concerts. I think you said in Denver. Yes. Okay. And so what, what happened at the Madonna comeback tour? Well, uh, so, you know, as you know, Madonna's in a wheelchair now. Mm hmm. And so the comeback tour, you know, she's coming out of the backstage and rolling out onto the

[00:45:31] stage, but she's being pushed by her assistant. Yep. Unfortunately, her assistant is not acclimatized to the Denver altitude. Oh no. And she was winded very early on. Right. So she basically just as she entered the back of the stage, she ran out of energy. She couldn't push anymore. And you know, unfortunately Madonna's in a wheelchair. She's got her microphone is in one hand. Yep.

[00:46:00] And in her other hand, she had planned on just holding her breast. Edgy. It's so edgy. But of course now she, she's not being pushed. She needs to get further out on the, so the audience can see her. She's kind of in the back. So she just starts, you know, using her, she using her hand to turn the wheelchair. But unfortunately the microphone hand is occupied. Right. So she just keeps spinning in a circle.

[00:46:27] So basically she does express yourself in a circle. Uh huh. And it was only until she started up with Vogue that somebody clued in and ran on stage and pushed her out in front of the audience. Did that give her, did she get dizzy at all? She was extremely dizzy. So she was doing strike a pose. Yeah. And it just, she was just sitting there cause she thought she was waving her arms in the air, but she wasn't. She was very disoriented.

[00:46:57] And, and I know that the, um, the concert tour ended actually right here in New York City, uh, according to the text that you sent me, uh, at Madison Square Garden, but that it wasn't supposed to, it was supposed to go on for another like three and a half months, but they had to stop the tour early. Yes. Why? We're not going to know until the autopsy. Strike a pose. There's nothing to it, Brian. Sad. Life is a mystery.

[00:47:29] It sounds like we have a lot to look forward. I think there's going to be a lot of lot to look forward to this year. That's great. Well, thanks for, thanks for sharing. Happy new year, Jack. Thanks for not going back and killing baby Hitler. I didn't want to. I know he's anti Zionist. Jack. Brian. It's Brian. So I, where are you? Where are you? I don't see you in the room. I'm in the internet. Look at the screen. You're in the internet? Yeah. That's amazing.

[00:47:59] At light speed almost. Jack. So my headhunter friend had a third script. There's another chance for you, Jack, to be a news anchor. Great. And nothing would make me happy. I know I screwed up the first two. Yeah. I'm sorry to talk over you. I, I, I know I screwed up the first two, but I'm, I swear to God, I'm going to make you proud on this one. Okay. And if you, if you get this gig, Jack, you get to live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Man, win upon win.

[00:48:26] KCRG television, Jack, looking for an anchor and you could be the man. Man. I am the man. I am ready. Count me down. I've never read this before in my life. Rocket. Two. One. Outrage is growing in Cedar Rapids after the opening of the city's first all kill animal shelter. The shelter's policy of euthanizing animals within minutes of their arrival, regardless of their age or health, has prompted a storm of criticism from animal welfare organizations

[00:48:55] and concerned citizens who were hoping to adopt a pet that was alive. Karen Albright, a local resident said that the all kill policy was outrageous, adding that they euthanized a kitten named pickles while she was filling out the adoption paperwork. Shelter director, Gerald Harkins defended the policy saying that there was no good. Shelter director, Gerald Harkins defended the policy saying that there was no God and

[00:49:25] that all existence is suffering. Harkins claimed that they do have the resources to house feed and care for every animal brought there, but prefer to put them down and but prefer to put them down in the front window of the shelter for maximum dramatic effect. The shelter's location next to a popular preschool has local parents up in arms. They have asked that the city ban the shelter's practice of blasting push it good on loudspeakers during the euthanizations.

[00:49:54] Mayor O'Donnell's office has announced an independent audit of the shelter and urges citizens to be aware of their all kill policy before bringing any pets there. She recommends releasing pets in the woods. Oh, Brian, you didn't get that one at all. I really did. The problem is animal humor is sort of my kryptonite. And I this is not humor. It's tragedy, but it it it's difficult for me to get through that.

[00:50:22] What about like rats eating your baby girl? No, that just seems terrifying. And it's my baby. So it's not funny. But that's comedy. I guess I'll I'll I'll Google it, but I don't think it's comedy. Um, oh, that's a bummer, Jack. I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry. I promised. I promised you that I would get it and I didn't. Cedar Rapids could have been yours. Could have been mine. Well, shoot, Brian. Oh, what a what a crummy way to start 2025. Yeah, I'm sorry, Jack. There'll be more chances.

[00:50:52] I sure do hope so. Well, I I thank you for your service, Brian. Great. Great to have you back. And it's fun releasing episodes on a fairly regular basis. Yeah, that would be nice. Wouldn't it? It would. Anything to say to our listeners before we sign off? Review us and all that. And all that. Leave a review at least a five star rating. If not seven. If not seven.

[00:51:21] It's a great point, Brian. Thanks, Jack. That was Questionable Material with Jack and Brian. Subscribe on any podcast platform. Visit us at QM podcast dot com.