Jumpy Hawthorne's Cadaver Ligament

[00:00:04] You're listening to Questionable Material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack. QMPodcast.com

[00:00:17] Hi Jack!

[00:00:22] Hey Brian, how are you?

[00:00:23] I'm doing pretty great. I am enjoying the fact that I was nominated for some Tony Awards for the musical.

[00:00:30] Yeah, that was fast. Normally a play has to be out for longer than 10 days.

[00:00:37] Yeah, no, no. It was Tony Gioni.

[00:00:40] Oh, I don't know.

[00:00:42] No, I'm sorry. You're thinking of the theater awards that they give to musicals and plays on Broadway.

[00:00:49] Yeah.

[00:00:49] Tony Gioni is a gentleman. He's outside of John's Pizzeria on Bleecker Street.

[00:00:54] Oh, and he decided to give you an award for the musical you wrote?

[00:00:59] Yeah, he really liked it.

[00:01:01] That's really good.

[00:01:02] Yeah, so I got a $20 gift card to John's Pizza on Bleecker Street.

[00:01:05] No slices. They don't do slices.

[00:01:07] That's...

[00:01:08] No, I know they don't.

[00:01:09] They're proud about it, Jack.

[00:01:10] I know they are. Yeah, you got to buy the whole pie.

[00:01:13] The sign in the front says no slices. Like you just can't even walk in there and ask for a slice.

[00:01:18] Like, no, no slices. What part of no slices don't you understand?

[00:01:22] Now, isn't the name of that fella the same as the United Healthcare Worker Murderer?

[00:01:27] No, no. That's Luigi Mangione.

[00:01:29] Oh, did you win any Luigis from your play?

[00:01:32] I did. I won two Deny Defer Awards.

[00:01:42] You know, when it comes from a hero...

[00:01:45] He's such a hero.

[00:01:46] What a hero. I mean, you know, when I saw that and I saw him shooting this gentleman in the back

[00:01:52] and I just... And the poor guy spun around and just like, what's going on here? And he gets shot again.

[00:01:58] It's just like, that's what a hero does.

[00:02:00] That's what a hero does.

[00:02:01] Really does. I would like that guy to be a role model for my kids.

[00:02:05] Well, fortunately, the kids have already taken notice. 41%, according to an Eberson College poll, of 18 to 29 year olds, 41% approve of Luigi Mangione.

[00:02:20] That means 41% of kids 18 to 29 don't use their brains, Jack.

[00:02:25] That is correct. But holy Lord.

[00:02:29] Yeah. No, no. Murder's hilarious.

[00:02:32] I mean, it's crazy how just completely warped these people are in terms of violence.

[00:02:42] The word violence has been so mistaught to them that they have no understanding of what's...

[00:02:48] There is some serious mental sickness in these kids.

[00:02:53] Yeah. And a moral decay. Not to sound like a preacher, Jack, but you got to have a moral compass.

[00:02:59] Yes. And if you think murdering people's okay, you don't have one.

[00:03:03] That's a really good point, Brian.

[00:03:05] Thanks, Jack.

[00:03:07] Now it's because it's funny.

[00:03:10] You've been asked to be on the task force.

[00:03:13] Yes.

[00:03:13] To help reach 18 to 29 year old kids.

[00:03:16] I have.

[00:03:17] To help sort of bring them back to the side of good.

[00:03:21] Yeah. I want them to understand that it's not cool to shoot random people in the back.

[00:03:28] But you sort of have to do it through their own lens and their belief system and everything.

[00:03:34] It can't be an easy job.

[00:03:35] So, I mean, I would love...

[00:03:36] It's hard.

[00:03:36] To sort of understand what sort of work you're doing on this task force.

[00:03:40] Well, we just want to address the 18 to 29 crowd.

[00:03:43] Mm-hmm.

[00:03:44] Obviously, the best ways to get to them are either TikTok.

[00:03:48] Yep.

[00:03:48] Or Taylor Swift.

[00:03:50] Mm-hmm.

[00:03:50] Mm-hmm.

[00:03:51] And so I've teamed up with Taylor.

[00:03:52] We've had several meetings.

[00:03:54] What?

[00:03:54] Yeah.

[00:03:55] Me and Taylor have been chatting and getting to know each other.

[00:03:59] She's a lovely lady.

[00:04:00] She's very sweet.

[00:04:00] She's very nice.

[00:04:02] I always call her porcelain skin.

[00:04:04] That's my nickname for her.

[00:04:05] That's so cute.

[00:04:06] What does she always call you?

[00:04:07] Filthy old man.

[00:04:09] Fom.

[00:04:10] She calls you...

[00:04:11] Oh, what's up?

[00:04:12] Like fam?

[00:04:12] No, she's like, hey, Fom.

[00:04:14] Yeah.

[00:04:15] And I'm just like, hey, porcelain skin is so smooth, so soft.

[00:04:19] And then we just get to business, start talking and stuff.

[00:04:22] Travis is always there in the corner kind of watching.

[00:04:25] Yeah.

[00:04:25] Making sure she's as creative as ever.

[00:04:27] That's great.

[00:04:28] Yeah.

[00:04:28] He's like, stay creative.

[00:04:29] And then he looks at me and just does this thing like I'm watching you with his fingers.

[00:04:33] Yeah, where he points to his eyes and like points to you.

[00:04:36] Yeah.

[00:04:36] And that's just to let me know that he's there and he's supporting me.

[00:04:40] And we're working on a way to teach the 18 to 29 year olds that murder is not particularly sexy.

[00:04:48] I couldn't agree more.

[00:04:49] And just very quickly, I remember you texting me saying that you were very upset by Travis Kelsey's nickname for you.

[00:04:55] Yeah.

[00:04:56] And I hate to put you on the spot and embarrass you, but I've got to ask.

[00:05:00] Remind me again what his nickname is for you.

[00:05:03] It was an awkward nickname.

[00:05:04] I didn't quite understand it.

[00:05:06] Okay.

[00:05:07] That's...

[00:05:07] Well, he's a football player.

[00:05:08] He's been concussed, I'm sure.

[00:05:09] Yeah.

[00:05:10] It was shit stain.

[00:05:14] That's not clever.

[00:05:15] It's not.

[00:05:16] Well, that's what I was like.

[00:05:16] So I'm like, okay, is it my hair?

[00:05:18] But my hair is like kind of white, silvery, like so it's not, you can't be getting it from that.

[00:05:22] Like, do I have like blotches on my face?

[00:05:24] No, because I don't have that alopecia or something that's so trendy with all the models.

[00:05:28] I just don't know.

[00:05:30] Well, to be fair, I think Travis Kelsey has been fed on Taylor Swift's tour, you know, so much truffle that I think his poops are silver white.

[00:05:44] That's quite possible.

[00:05:46] So it makes a little more sense, I guess?

[00:05:48] It does make more sense.

[00:05:50] I mean, we just don't know is what I'm saying.

[00:05:52] Yeah.

[00:05:52] I don't, you know, so I said, okay.

[00:05:54] And so I had made a nickname for him.

[00:05:57] Oh, that's fun.

[00:05:58] What's your nickname for him?

[00:06:01] BTB.

[00:06:04] Brian Tabang.

[00:06:05] I know I can't think of anything.

[00:06:06] What's BTB stand for?

[00:06:07] Brain Trauma Boy.

[00:06:09] Because he's in football and I figure his brain's getting jostled around.

[00:06:13] I like Brain Trauma Boy.

[00:06:14] Yeah.

[00:06:15] So I'm like, okay, hey, BTB.

[00:06:17] And he's just like, okay, shit stain.

[00:06:18] Just get it over with.

[00:06:20] God.

[00:06:20] And then, you know, then Taylor and I will brainstorm ways that we can kind of convince

[00:06:27] the youth to be cool.

[00:06:30] It does not sound like a healthy working relationship or working environment.

[00:06:33] It's, you know, it is what it is.

[00:06:35] It's a job.

[00:06:35] It's a job.

[00:06:36] So, okay.

[00:06:37] So you and Taylor, what was sort of one of the big things you guys have brainstormed in

[00:06:42] terms of using her?

[00:06:43] I know you guys were doing something with her concerts.

[00:06:46] Yes.

[00:06:46] You know, it's the hottest ticket in the world to really show people the light.

[00:06:52] Well, we did, we did a thing where I, she started her show and then I kind of walk up

[00:06:58] and I pretend to shoot her in the back and then she falls down and everybody's freaking

[00:07:05] out because I use, you know, we use high quality blanks and stuff, a real Hollywood stuff.

[00:07:09] The same stuff they use on the set of Rust.

[00:07:14] And, and so she falls down and she's spitting out blood.

[00:07:17] We've got the movie blood.

[00:07:19] She's spitting out the movie.

[00:07:19] The audience is freaking out.

[00:07:21] And I just come up to the microphone.

[00:07:22] I go, I'm a hero, right?

[00:07:26] And, and then they kind of think about it and then you can see that they're torn.

[00:07:31] Yeah.

[00:07:31] It's like, yeah.

[00:07:32] Well, usually when you shoot somebody in the back, you're a hero.

[00:07:34] Especially a rich person, a rich white person.

[00:07:36] Yeah.

[00:07:36] She's a rich white person.

[00:07:39] And she's the CEO of Taylor Swift industries, LLC.

[00:07:42] I, uh, they're so torn.

[00:07:44] You can see the anguish.

[00:07:45] Yeah.

[00:07:46] And then I'll be like, I gotcha.

[00:07:47] And then, you know, Taylor gets up and we high five and hug.

[00:07:50] And then, and then we talk to the kids for the rest of the show.

[00:07:55] So Taylor gets halfway through a song.

[00:07:58] One song.

[00:07:58] Yeah.

[00:08:00] You simulate her murder in front of a bunch of 12 year old girls.

[00:08:04] Yes.

[00:08:04] And then you spend the rest of the show talking to them.

[00:08:07] You.

[00:08:08] Yes.

[00:08:08] A 50 something year old, uh.

[00:08:11] Yeah.

[00:08:13] Libertarian.

[00:08:14] Yeah.

[00:08:15] That's what we do.

[00:08:16] Yeah.

[00:08:17] And it, you know, it's, so she told me she's like tired of singing.

[00:08:20] She did the eras tour.

[00:08:21] Yeah.

[00:08:22] She's just burned out.

[00:08:23] She made a fortune off it.

[00:08:24] She just, she doesn't want to sing as much.

[00:08:26] And I said, sure.

[00:08:27] And so we're calling this the errors tour.

[00:08:30] E R R O R S.

[00:08:31] Yeah, that's right.

[00:08:32] And so, and it's about the error of, of, um, murdering some person for, uh, kind of a vague

[00:08:38] reason because you don't kind of like the way things are going in a particular industry.

[00:08:43] Yeah.

[00:08:45] So.

[00:08:45] Wow.

[00:08:46] I, I, I applaud, um, her bravery and your, uh, your handiwork here.

[00:08:51] Thank you very much.

[00:08:51] No, I like, I like, uh, working with her.

[00:08:53] She's, you know, she's got soft skin.

[00:08:55] And when I get a chance, I just kind of, I can touch when I, you know, I don't, I don't

[00:09:00] want to do the creepy thing.

[00:09:01] No, it's too late, but I never come up and cling.

[00:09:04] I, but I, I'll just, you know, I'll just kind of tap her.

[00:09:06] I was like, Oh, knowing tap and then walk away, but I'll treasure that tap.

[00:09:09] Yeah.

[00:09:10] Her skin is very soft.

[00:09:12] Yeah.

[00:09:13] And I don't, she must have very high priced lotions going on to that skin because her

[00:09:17] skin is extremely soft.

[00:09:19] Like you, my fingers are even kind of like they're vibrating.

[00:09:22] She's still, still now.

[00:09:24] Still now.

[00:09:25] Just from the, the, the Taylor touch, I call it.

[00:09:27] Oh my gosh.

[00:09:28] And do your fingertips still have just traces of body glitter on them?

[00:09:31] Yeah, they do.

[00:09:32] Yeah.

[00:09:32] And it's all over.

[00:09:33] You can see it on my wife, you know, and she's, she's, you know, kind of like, please

[00:09:37] stop putting this, but I'm just like, no, Taylor touch, Taylor touch.

[00:09:41] And yeah, I'm like, my fingers are vibrating.

[00:09:43] Come on.

[00:09:44] And she's like, I don't want any more of this glitter or vibrating fingers.

[00:09:46] Please leave me alone.

[00:09:47] How have you taken this energy and this sort of role play into your bedroom?

[00:09:51] If you don't mind my asking.

[00:09:52] Well, I mean, I, I, I come into the bedroom, you know, and I, you know, I dim the lights.

[00:10:00] Right.

[00:10:00] Very theatrical.

[00:10:02] Yep.

[00:10:02] And then I just, I just, I kind of play music.

[00:10:04] I'll have a, I'll just be like, Alexa play.

[00:10:07] Oops.

[00:10:08] I did it again.

[00:10:09] Great.

[00:10:10] Not Taylor Swift, but okay.

[00:10:11] No, I know.

[00:10:12] But it kicks in.

[00:10:13] Cause I just, it's another, it's just kind of a crazy young lady.

[00:10:16] Yeah.

[00:10:16] And it's just the music kicks in and then I come strutting into the room.

[00:10:19] Yeah.

[00:10:20] And I wear like a, just my usual, like halter top and tight shorts.

[00:10:23] Yeah.

[00:10:24] And I come into the room and then I come to the end of the bed and I kind of do like

[00:10:27] the, the Elon Musk X.

[00:10:29] Yep.

[00:10:30] And then how I like a jump up in the air.

[00:10:31] Yeah.

[00:10:32] And I do that a few times and get really excited.

[00:10:34] And then I jump onto the bed.

[00:10:36] That's great.

[00:10:37] Yes.

[00:10:38] Okay.

[00:10:39] Then what happens after that?

[00:10:40] I mean, that's like half the story.

[00:10:43] I fall asleep because she's in Poland for the holidays.

[00:10:50] So it's just me and the dog and the dog has kind of gotten used to it.

[00:10:54] She just kind of sits in the corner going, Oh, I guess this is probably close to bedtime.

[00:10:59] Yeah.

[00:10:59] Like she knows she's not getting any more food.

[00:11:01] Right.

[00:11:02] As soon as she sees the Elon Musk X at the end of the bed, she's like, Oh, I think this

[00:11:05] is bedtime.

[00:11:06] Yeah.

[00:11:07] So she kind of curls up in her dog bed and calls it a night.

[00:11:09] Now, do you also have a two inch vertical like Elon?

[00:11:12] Yeah.

[00:11:12] Well, you know, white men can jump.

[00:11:14] It's a really racist point, Brian.

[00:11:16] I get, I have a little more strength.

[00:11:18] Yeah.

[00:11:19] Because of the skiing.

[00:11:20] I don't think Elon skis.

[00:11:22] Yeah.

[00:11:23] Yeah.

[00:11:23] I wouldn't know.

[00:11:23] So I have, I have more developed quads.

[00:11:26] Yep.

[00:11:27] I have a very strong ACL.

[00:11:29] Uh-huh.

[00:11:30] A bit stronger than it was before I tore it in half.

[00:11:32] Right.

[00:11:32] That's what the doctor said.

[00:11:34] He said, your ACL is even better now.

[00:11:37] That's great.

[00:11:38] You know why?

[00:11:40] I don't.

[00:11:41] Because it came from a black Olympian.

[00:11:44] Jesus.

[00:11:45] Yeah.

[00:11:46] Wait a minute.

[00:11:47] Yeah.

[00:11:47] Did you just appropriate his, his tendon?

[00:11:50] No.

[00:11:51] Uh, they, it's a cadaver.

[00:11:52] It's a cadaver ACL.

[00:11:53] They took it from the dead body and the doctor came in and he was so excited.

[00:11:57] You're not going to believe this.

[00:11:58] I'm like, what?

[00:11:59] He's like, do you know, do you know, do you know, do you know jumpy Hawthorne?

[00:12:02] And I was like, no, who's that?

[00:12:04] And he was, he was the, the long jump champion in the 1986 Olympics.

[00:12:11] Wow.

[00:12:12] And.

[00:12:12] 86, huh?

[00:12:13] Yeah.

[00:12:13] Or something like that.

[00:12:14] Feels wrong.

[00:12:15] Yeah.

[00:12:15] Maybe it was 96.

[00:12:17] Yeah.

[00:12:17] 96 in Atlanta.

[00:12:19] Oh, that's right.

[00:12:19] Atlanta.

[00:12:20] That's right.

[00:12:20] The Olympics.

[00:12:21] I didn't go, I lived in Atlanta at the time, but I wasn't there.

[00:12:23] Right.

[00:12:23] Cause I was like, I think some guy's going to set off a bomb.

[00:12:27] So I'm going to go to Europe.

[00:12:29] And meet your wife?

[00:12:30] No, I met her three years later.

[00:12:32] Oh, okay.

[00:12:34] But there were, I mean, similar prostitutes and just like crazy, you know, just Russian,

[00:12:39] uh, you know, uh, uh, seductresses and stuff and.

[00:12:43] Sure.

[00:12:43] And, and, uh, honey traps, things like that.

[00:12:46] Honey traps.

[00:12:47] Yeah.

[00:12:48] That sounds, it sounds like a good trap to be in.

[00:12:50] Uh, not if you're a bee.

[00:12:53] Yeah.

[00:12:53] But what if you're a bee, bee Ryan?

[00:12:56] A bee Ryan.

[00:12:56] You know, it's just like, you walk into the room and there's all these ladies like, you

[00:13:00] would love to talk to you.

[00:13:02] And then like, you're like, Oh my God, I love hot women with speech impediments.

[00:13:06] And then we sit down and we just start chatting.

[00:13:09] We all like the sex flu.

[00:13:12] And I'm like, I think that sounds good.

[00:13:14] I'm not sure.

[00:13:15] Uh huh.

[00:13:16] Yeah.

[00:13:16] And, and we just had a great time.

[00:13:20] But, but jumpy, whatever his name was.

[00:13:24] Henderson.

[00:13:26] Henderson.

[00:13:26] Yeah, sure.

[00:13:26] Jumpy Henderson.

[00:13:27] But anyway, so this dude is at the Olympics.

[00:13:30] Yep.

[00:13:30] 96 Olympics.

[00:13:31] And he's crushing it.

[00:13:31] Crushing it.

[00:13:32] Yeah.

[00:13:32] Yeah.

[00:13:32] But I mean, just, and they're like, I remember they, they said during the, he's like, he's

[00:13:37] gotten one of the best ACLs we've ever seen.

[00:13:39] Oh, that's a weird thing to say.

[00:13:41] Yeah.

[00:13:41] He's like, this guy has such an amazing anterior cruciate ligament.

[00:13:45] It's crazy.

[00:13:46] It's like, it's inspiring.

[00:13:47] Sounds like Costas.

[00:13:48] And then he happens to die at the same time.

[00:13:51] I need one.

[00:13:52] It's great.

[00:13:52] And because the Olympics don't pay great, he had sold his body to science and I got his,

[00:14:00] his ACL.

[00:14:02] That's interesting timing.

[00:14:03] So how did he die?

[00:14:05] He was struck by an SUV.

[00:14:09] Oh, that's terrible.

[00:14:11] Yeah.

[00:14:11] It was a black Toyota 4Runner.

[00:14:14] What's, huh.

[00:14:16] What do you, what do you drive?

[00:14:19] Right now?

[00:14:20] Uh, yeah.

[00:14:22] Nowadays I have a Toyota Tacoma.

[00:14:24] Okay.

[00:14:25] It's a pickup truck.

[00:14:26] Okay.

[00:14:26] But is that new?

[00:14:27] Have you not had it for a while?

[00:14:29] I've had, I've had the Tacoma for a while.

[00:14:31] You know, over the years I've had different cars.

[00:14:34] I had a small, a mini SUV.

[00:14:36] Uh-huh.

[00:14:37] I had a Toyota RAV4.

[00:14:39] I'm a big Toyota fan.

[00:14:40] Yeah.

[00:14:41] I know you are.

[00:14:41] Um, you know, and then I had a, uh, Chevy Cavalier, the Toyota 4Runner and just a, just

[00:14:49] an Oldsmobile, uh, station wagon, stuff like that.

[00:14:52] Over the years.

[00:14:53] It's been a while.

[00:14:54] A lot of cars.

[00:14:55] A lot of cars.

[00:14:56] My favorites were, you know, the ones that could withstand the, the impact of a, of a

[00:15:01] collision.

[00:15:02] Um, you know, that, and that was without revealing to like, I know that if the Cavalier had struck

[00:15:07] somebody.

[00:15:08] Uh-huh.

[00:15:08] It would show.

[00:15:10] Yes.

[00:15:10] The, it was plasticky and the fender would have broken and stuff like that.

[00:15:14] The Oldsmobile station wagon, that probably would have held up.

[00:15:16] That was a pretty stiff beast, but that was long gone by the time I was heading towards

[00:15:21] jumpy.

[00:15:22] And so, um, the, uh, the, you know, the 4Runner is a fairly solid car.

[00:15:26] Yep.

[00:15:27] Um, you know, the, the Volkswagen Tiguan, not, not bad.

[00:15:32] Not great.

[00:15:32] That probably would have gotten banged up if it had struck an Olympic, uh, long jump person.

[00:15:39] Huh.

[00:15:41] I don't know.

[00:15:42] It feels like maybe you're a hero too.

[00:15:44] You know, well, I guess if you think about it, if coming from the back makes you a hero,

[00:15:52] then I suppose, yeah, because.

[00:15:54] Mm-hmm.

[00:15:55] Yeah.

[00:15:56] I mean, when you come from behind and they don't know what's coming, that feels heroic to me, right?

[00:16:00] I think, I think that's what it's always been.

[00:16:03] It's kind of like if you, if you walk into a cafe and you put down a backpack and you walk out and

[00:16:09] you just set it off.

[00:16:11] Yeah.

[00:16:11] That feels heroic to me.

[00:16:13] Yeah.

[00:16:13] Especially like during a marathon.

[00:16:15] Yeah.

[00:16:15] I mean, you know, exactly.

[00:16:16] People are watching this, you know, they're not watching you, they're watching the sports.

[00:16:19] It's like, what's more heroic than sneaking into a sporting event and blowing it up.

[00:16:25] It's, it's very heroic there.

[00:16:26] There could be some rich white people in there.

[00:16:28] Yeah.

[00:16:28] Well, that's the aim.

[00:16:30] You know, so Taylor Swift.

[00:16:33] Oh, you just do for people who can't see at home, which is all of you, this is not televised

[00:16:38] or shown in any way with a video format.

[00:16:41] Brian just took a big swig of a look like a rosé wine.

[00:16:44] It's not rosé Jack.

[00:16:45] It's white.

[00:16:46] Okay.

[00:16:46] It's white.

[00:16:47] Because the previous bottle was red.

[00:16:49] Oh, okay.

[00:16:49] So there's a little residue.

[00:16:51] Oh, okay.

[00:16:52] So, and now it's kind of tinted the white wine.

[00:16:54] Okay.

[00:16:55] Giving it a pinkish tint, but I know what you're talking about.

[00:16:57] Yeah.

[00:16:58] I bet you do.

[00:16:59] Yeah.

[00:16:59] It's Friday.

[00:17:01] Right.

[00:17:01] And how's that different than Tuesday?

[00:17:03] You got to get down.

[00:17:03] Well, Tuesday is hump day Eve.

[00:17:08] Yeah.

[00:17:08] You got to celebrate that.

[00:17:09] Yeah.

[00:17:10] I mean, you know, that's the middle of the week.

[00:17:11] Of course.

[00:17:12] Yeah.

[00:17:13] And what about Sunday?

[00:17:14] Because I know you drink a hell of a lot on Sunday.

[00:17:16] Sunday is the Lord's day.

[00:17:18] Yep.

[00:17:18] And as you know, the Lord invented wine because that's his son's blood.

[00:17:23] That's a really good point.

[00:17:24] That's what my Catholic wife said.

[00:17:26] I bet she did.

[00:17:27] So I was like, well, let's get a couple of cases of that.

[00:17:30] What about Thursdays?

[00:17:31] Because I knew you do a lot, a lot of drinking on Thursdays.

[00:17:33] Thursday is Friday Eve.

[00:17:36] Okay.

[00:17:37] The weekend is starting.

[00:17:38] Friday is the weekend.

[00:17:40] Yes.

[00:17:40] But Thursday is not.

[00:17:41] But Thursday is the eve of the weekend.

[00:17:44] There's a lot of excitement building because you know Friday is coming and you're very excited about Friday.

[00:17:48] Okay.

[00:17:49] What about Mondays?

[00:17:50] Because you do, like it makes me uncomfortable how much Monday drinking you do.

[00:17:54] Well, Monday is regrets day.

[00:17:57] Oh.

[00:17:57] So usually, you know, as most people just go totally overboard Friday and Saturday.

[00:18:02] They just go nuts.

[00:18:04] They drink themselves in oblivion.

[00:18:06] They soil themselves in public.

[00:18:09] Yep.

[00:18:09] They embarrass themselves on mass transit.

[00:18:12] Uh-huh.

[00:18:12] They cause accidents.

[00:18:14] They get DUIs.

[00:18:15] They do all the wrong things.

[00:18:17] So, you know, Monday you're just filled with regret and you just want to forget about it.

[00:18:20] Right.

[00:18:21] And so, you know, what's the better way to forget about it?

[00:18:24] Well, you just kind of sit down and you pop open a 12-pack or a case or two of something and, you know, a bottle of wine to start, you know, the evening.

[00:18:35] And then you work your way into, you know, forgetting about your regretful weekend.

[00:18:41] So right at 6 p.m. to sort of start your evening, that's when you start drinking and right on there on Monday nights?

[00:18:46] Well, I mean, no, because Monday is Monday.

[00:18:49] Monday is Monday all day.

[00:18:50] Monday starts at midnight and it lasts until Tuesday.

[00:18:54] So, I mean, you are excused in my view for treating Monday like a day off.

[00:19:00] And that's, you know, it's the day to, you know, people are always like, oh, Monday.

[00:19:03] I hate Mondays.

[00:19:04] Susanna Hoff on the bangles.

[00:19:05] Oh, I don't like Mondays.

[00:19:07] Really?

[00:19:07] They're pretty great.

[00:19:09] You know, I have an omelet, glass of wine.

[00:19:11] Yep.

[00:19:12] A glass of wine, a bagel.

[00:19:15] I go to the store.

[00:19:16] I cause a scene because I forgot my wallet.

[00:19:19] Oh.

[00:19:20] You know, I beg for forgiveness when I'm told I can't come back to the store.

[00:19:24] Don't do this.

[00:19:24] You're tired of this.

[00:19:25] Don't do that.

[00:19:25] Like, please, please, please.

[00:19:27] Yep.

[00:19:27] Yep.

[00:19:27] And I win them over.

[00:19:29] It's humanity, human spirit, happiness.

[00:19:31] Yeah.

[00:19:32] And I go back to my car and then I back into somebody and then I pretend to leave a note.

[00:19:37] You know, this is what you do, Jack.

[00:19:40] Yeah.

[00:19:40] Tell me.

[00:19:40] I don't know.

[00:19:40] Cause people are watching.

[00:19:41] So you bang into somebody and like, oh my God, I should speed off, but I can't.

[00:19:45] Yep.

[00:19:46] So you go in, you glove box and you come out with a piece of paper and just, you look

[00:19:50] like you're writing something and you're putting it on, on their windshield and just kind of

[00:19:54] you go over there, you put it under the windshield.

[00:19:56] You look at everybody, all the, all the observers looking at you and you just kind of give them

[00:19:59] a nod.

[00:20:00] You get in your car and you drive off.

[00:20:03] It's really great.

[00:20:04] No one at that point has written down your license plate because they're like, well,

[00:20:07] that guy just did the right thing.

[00:20:08] He did the right thing.

[00:20:08] He wrote a note.

[00:20:12] Yeah.

[00:20:13] I, sometimes the only reason I do the podcast is because I learned so much.

[00:20:19] Yeah.

[00:20:19] You leave a little note under their windshield.

[00:20:21] You just, whatever you do, you don't leave your phone number or your name.

[00:20:24] Right.

[00:20:25] Or any identifying information.

[00:20:27] Yep.

[00:20:28] Just, I wrote, sorry for the boo boo, but it's Monday.

[00:20:32] You know what I mean?

[00:20:34] Now there was an incident.

[00:20:36] I don't think it was even a driving incident where you left a note, but you implicated,

[00:20:41] someone else.

[00:20:41] And there was a big hoo-ha around it.

[00:20:43] Yep.

[00:20:44] That was back when we were working on the TV show together.

[00:20:47] Like, so we're talking like 2012, 2013, somewhere around there.

[00:20:50] What happened?

[00:20:53] I backed into somebody's car.

[00:20:56] It was a Monday, so I'm excused.

[00:20:59] And I, you know, there was a bunch of people at the store standing outside looking at me

[00:21:04] like, what's this guy going to do?

[00:21:05] Is he going to try to drive off?

[00:21:06] Because if he does, I'm going to pull out my phone, make a video.

[00:21:09] Yeah.

[00:21:10] And I knew that was coming.

[00:21:12] So I just kind of went over to the other car and I said, I'm really sorry about banging

[00:21:17] up your car.

[00:21:18] Please give me a call.

[00:21:20] My name is Michael Bloomberg and my number is 311.

[00:21:30] That's right.

[00:21:30] I remember that now.

[00:21:32] Yeah.

[00:21:32] Yeah.

[00:21:34] But the thing that gave you away is that Michael Bloomberg can't reach the pedals.

[00:21:39] You know, and yeah, in retrospect, because they did go back to the video of the store and

[00:21:46] because they're like, there's no way that this guy knew that this was Michael Bloomberg

[00:21:51] because Michael Bloomberg actually, he drives a lowered Mazda Miata.

[00:21:55] Yeah.

[00:21:57] So it's actually a Mazda Miata, but they use Lego wheels.

[00:22:01] Yep.

[00:22:02] Yep.

[00:22:02] So that it's just, it's much lower to the ground.

[00:22:05] Now he calls it a stretch.

[00:22:07] Well, it is.

[00:22:07] It's right.

[00:22:08] It's, it's, it's three Bloombergs long, but it's only, you know, one Bloomberg high.

[00:22:14] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:22:15] But he gets, you know, he, he drives that around.

[00:22:18] It's very cute to watch him driving around town.

[00:22:19] You just got to be careful because you could really run over him.

[00:22:22] No, of course.

[00:22:23] So you told us about the fake murder gambit that you do at our shows.

[00:22:29] Yeah.

[00:22:30] Now Taylor isn't just about stage presence.

[00:22:32] She's, you know, her concert video was made hundreds of millions of dollars.

[00:22:37] Yeah.

[00:22:37] Her merch.

[00:22:38] Um, uh, apparently there's, uh, a, some sort of study out that shows every concert goer

[00:22:46] averages $200 worth of merchandise sales at one of her shows.

[00:22:50] Jeez.

[00:22:50] Every single one.

[00:22:51] And if you think about the tens of millions of people she's played for and do that math,

[00:22:55] I mean, it is a phenomenal amount of merch that she sold.

[00:22:58] So, so what were some of the other sort of ways that you guys had sort of brainstormed to

[00:23:03] really reach that 18 to 29 year old audience?

[00:23:06] If you remember the bit we started about 48 minutes ago.

[00:23:09] Yes.

[00:23:10] Well, um, she, the, obviously the Kevlar concert tee.

[00:23:14] Oh, oh.

[00:23:15] Yeah.

[00:23:15] It's got a Kevlar back.

[00:23:17] Uh-huh.

[00:23:18] So, you know, the front and the sleeves are more comfortable, but the back is very rigid.

[00:23:23] Mm-hmm.

[00:23:24] Uh, and it's just kind of a reminder that, you know, it's, you never know if somebody's

[00:23:28] going to, a hero is going to sneak up and shoot you in the back.

[00:23:31] Really good point.

[00:23:32] So the, and the Kevlar is kind of a nice, uh, material that will absorb, uh, small caliber

[00:23:38] rounds.

[00:23:39] Nothing, nothing major.

[00:23:40] I think a 45 ACP is going to go right through that.

[00:23:43] Oh gosh.

[00:23:44] But nine millimeter, you got a chance of maybe having broken ribs or something.

[00:23:48] Well, I mean, I mean, is Taylor cutting corners on this?

[00:23:51] Uh, well, it's, it's not her, it's, it's the Chinese merchants, but you know, we, they,

[00:23:56] they, their better stuff is going to, uh, Russia, uh, because apparently they have a

[00:24:01] need for that.

[00:24:04] Sure.

[00:24:04] For their officers.

[00:24:06] Yes.

[00:24:08] And Putin's political opponents.

[00:24:09] That's right.

[00:24:10] Huh.

[00:24:11] Okay.

[00:24:11] Well, that's interesting.

[00:24:12] So I guess that makes sense.

[00:24:13] Well, you know, what other way, Brian, what's the other sort of big idea that you had?

[00:24:17] And then we'll finally move on.

[00:24:18] Oh, I think she had done something with one of her songs where she had really almost got

[00:24:23] a little preachy with one of her songs.

[00:24:25] Yes.

[00:24:26] That's interesting.

[00:24:27] Cause normally she writes about failed, you know, famous boyfriends, John Mayer and

[00:24:31] Yeah.

[00:24:32] Uh, uh, Jake Gyllenhaal and all these other famous tunes.

[00:24:35] Yeah.

[00:24:36] Yeah.

[00:24:36] Yeah.

[00:24:36] Yeah.

[00:24:36] That was a big one.

[00:24:37] Was it?

[00:24:38] Yes.

[00:24:38] Actually.

[00:24:38] She gets around.

[00:24:39] Yeah.

[00:24:40] It's the skin.

[00:24:41] It's very smooth and porcelain.

[00:24:42] It's just, it's delightful.

[00:24:44] God.

[00:24:45] Talk later on.

[00:24:46] It smells like almonds.

[00:24:48] Ooh, that sounds nice.

[00:24:49] I would always say that to her.

[00:24:50] I'd be like, Oh, your skin smells like almonds.

[00:24:52] And what would she, what would she say?

[00:24:53] Can you step back a little bit?

[00:24:56] Cause it's like, I would always come up to her and just from behind and then just kind

[00:24:59] of nuzzle in her neck.

[00:24:59] Kind of like a, I call it a bidening.

[00:25:01] Yeah.

[00:25:02] The bidening.

[00:25:03] Yeah.

[00:25:03] And I would just kind of come in and stick my nose in her neck and just be like, you smell

[00:25:07] like almonds.

[00:25:08] And she'd be like, okay, Brian, step back.

[00:25:10] Let's just concept.

[00:25:11] Let's just work together.

[00:25:13] And then of course, Travis is like, I see you.

[00:25:16] Like I can hear him in the distance.

[00:25:17] Right.

[00:25:19] So she says, get, get, step, step, please step back.

[00:25:23] Fom.

[00:25:23] Please step back.

[00:25:24] Fom.

[00:25:25] Yeah.

[00:25:25] Yeah.

[00:25:26] So, yeah.

[00:25:27] So we worked on a song.

[00:25:28] That's great.

[00:25:29] Cause I know, I mean, we've just heard.

[00:25:31] Yes.

[00:25:31] The podcast.

[00:25:32] How talented a songwriter you are.

[00:25:34] I'm good at lyrics.

[00:25:35] Yeah.

[00:25:37] And it's, it's too bad.

[00:25:39] I didn't maintain my relationship with John Mayer.

[00:25:41] Yeah.

[00:25:42] Cause we could have been a huge team.

[00:25:44] Like who the Elton John and Bernie.

[00:25:47] What's his name?

[00:25:47] Madoff.

[00:25:48] That's right.

[00:25:50] No.

[00:25:51] Different Bernie.

[00:25:52] Oh.

[00:25:53] Sanders.

[00:25:54] I had Bernie Sanders.

[00:25:56] Elton John and Bernie Sanders.

[00:25:57] The famous duo.

[00:25:59] The lyricist and the pianist.

[00:26:01] I could have been a phenomenal lyricist for John.

[00:26:04] Had he not messed up my book launch.

[00:26:07] Regardless.

[00:26:08] Wow.

[00:26:09] Taylor Swift, Brian.

[00:26:10] Yes, Jack.

[00:26:11] So the, this is what we get for recording at 10 45 PM the night before you fly out.

[00:26:19] I know.

[00:26:20] And you've had a few glasses of wine.

[00:26:21] Yeah.

[00:26:22] But is it bad?

[00:26:23] What am I doing?

[00:26:24] No, you're actually very coherent.

[00:26:25] Just you and I are.

[00:26:26] No.

[00:26:29] We're following whatever tickles our fancy.

[00:26:31] That's right.

[00:26:32] Taylor Swift, last thing.

[00:26:33] This song that you and she wrote.

[00:26:36] Yes.

[00:26:37] Tell me about how it's saving 18 to 29 year olds.

[00:26:39] Then we're going to go into our next bit.

[00:26:41] Uh, well, it's called.

[00:26:43] We don't need another hero.

[00:26:46] That exists.

[00:26:49] That's right.

[00:26:50] But it's different.

[00:26:52] Okay.

[00:26:53] So in the music video.

[00:26:55] Uh huh.

[00:26:55] Taylor sees this Italian man with abs.

[00:26:58] Who's ambiguous.

[00:26:59] At least sexually.

[00:27:00] Can't tell if he's gay or straight.

[00:27:02] Sure.

[00:27:02] Or in the middle.

[00:27:04] And she's like, we don't need another hero.

[00:27:08] And she's why he's like, he's walking down the street and he's loading up a plastic pistol.

[00:27:12] Yep.

[00:27:12] With bullets that he's not smart enough to use gloves to install into his gun.

[00:27:17] Sure.

[00:27:18] Thus leaving residue on the casings.

[00:27:20] Yep.

[00:27:21] With the fingerprints.

[00:27:22] And, and so he's walking and she's, we don't, and she's, it's a cover song.

[00:27:25] It's the Tina Turner cover song.

[00:27:27] Yeah.

[00:27:27] And, and, but then as she's singing, a noose comes down from the stage and loops around

[00:27:32] Luigi's head and then yanks him up into the sky.

[00:27:35] Oh, Jesus.

[00:27:37] Yeah.

[00:27:37] Kind of, it's very Iranian.

[00:27:39] Yeah.

[00:27:40] Or Iranian, if you want to pronounce it correctly.

[00:27:42] I don't.

[00:27:42] I do because I don't want to offend the Shah.

[00:27:46] No, I know you, you, I know you two are.

[00:27:48] He's very important to me.

[00:27:49] I know.

[00:27:50] Very politically aligned.

[00:27:52] But so he goes shooting up into the sky, you know, hanging by the neck and you just see

[00:27:56] him and the audience is just, they're not sure what to do.

[00:27:59] And then she turns the eye and she's like, I just killed him.

[00:28:02] I'm a hero.

[00:28:02] Right.

[00:28:03] And then they're like, oh, they're so torn.

[00:28:05] Cause like, oh, but he's the, but you did the, oh, uh, yeah.

[00:28:09] And so there, and then basically all the 18 to 29 just kind of melt down and start crying

[00:28:14] cause they, they don't know how to process emotions.

[00:28:17] Nope.

[00:28:18] Most of them are on antidepressants, uh, anti-anxiety drugs, ADHD drugs.

[00:28:22] So they're just a chemical mess.

[00:28:24] Right.

[00:28:25] And then Taylor goes, uh, there's a box on the front of the stage.

[00:28:29] Yep.

[00:28:30] And she just walks up to the front of the stage and she says, you know what?

[00:28:33] I'm only here.

[00:28:34] I want to talk to the 18 to 29 year olds.

[00:28:36] And everybody stays put.

[00:28:37] I need you to go outside.

[00:28:39] Yeah.

[00:28:39] Right.

[00:28:40] Most people stay.

[00:28:41] And then she, and then she kind of reaches into her box and she pulls out an M60 machine

[00:28:47] gun.

[00:28:47] Okay.

[00:28:48] And just starts firing into the crowd.

[00:28:50] Cause that's what heroes do, Jack.

[00:28:52] Ah, it doesn't feel heroic.

[00:28:54] And you just see, you know, people dropping, people screaming, they start running and Taylor

[00:28:58] is just spraying and spraying.

[00:28:59] And then she's got assistance to run up and reload if necessary.

[00:29:03] And she's just firing into the crowd.

[00:29:04] She's like, I'm a hero.

[00:29:05] I'm a hero.

[00:29:07] And it's just a really great time.

[00:29:09] People.

[00:29:09] I mean, it's obviously very memorable.

[00:29:11] Um, the only downside.

[00:29:14] Yeah.

[00:29:14] Is merch sales go down dramatically.

[00:29:17] Ooh.

[00:29:17] That is the only downside.

[00:29:19] You know, cause you know, if you're fleeing for your life or if you've lost limbs or you're

[00:29:23] dead, you're not.

[00:29:24] The last thing you want to do is like, oh, I need a couple of shirts with Kevlar.

[00:29:27] Too late.

[00:29:28] You had your chance.

[00:29:29] You should have bought those at intermission.

[00:29:31] Right.

[00:29:31] Before she pulled out her M60.

[00:29:34] Thank you, Brian.

[00:29:35] Thank you, Jeff.

[00:29:39] Brian.

[00:29:39] Yeah, bitch.

[00:29:41] So, uh, you brought up, I didn't know which way I was going to take the second bit because

[00:29:46] for some reason you didn't write any, I mean, excuse me, you didn't solicit any businesses

[00:29:51] to have me read things on air that I've never read before for some reason this week.

[00:29:56] Why, why is that?

[00:29:57] Well, yeah, as you know, I did the musical previously and I took a lot of time and energy.

[00:30:02] Yeah.

[00:30:02] You know, the writing lyrics.

[00:30:05] That are coherent and not terrible.

[00:30:08] It takes time.

[00:30:09] Yep.

[00:30:09] And, uh, so I spent a lot of time on that.

[00:30:11] So I just, and that you're preparing for my trip, my, my holiday travels, that kind of

[00:30:15] stuff.

[00:30:15] I just didn't have the time to, to write the usual bits, which I don't write.

[00:30:19] They're just advertisements that advertisers send us.

[00:30:22] I wasn't able to solicit advertisements.

[00:30:25] Brad doesn't have scripts because he's in holiday mode.

[00:30:28] I I'm in holiday mode.

[00:30:29] So I didn't solicit advertisers to send me their scripts for you to read.

[00:30:33] And I was really focused on the, the musical.

[00:30:36] You know, I took a lot of time and energy, but I did get a Tony award.

[00:30:40] You did.

[00:30:41] You got two Tony awards.

[00:30:42] Yeah.

[00:30:42] And they're worth like 20 to $40 and free pizza.

[00:30:46] Yeah.

[00:30:46] No slices.

[00:30:47] No slices.

[00:30:48] They don't do slices.

[00:30:50] They don't do slices.

[00:30:51] So I, you know, I'm always interested in other cultures, Brian, and it seems like you have

[00:30:54] some, I know.

[00:30:59] It seems like you have some very interesting experience with German and Polish Christmas

[00:31:07] and new year's traditions.

[00:31:09] Yes.

[00:31:09] So how do they celebrate?

[00:31:12] So let's say Christmas.

[00:31:14] Which way are in Germany and Poland?

[00:31:15] You know, let's do Germany first and then Poland.

[00:31:18] Germany.

[00:31:19] I mean, they're kind of similar because they're neighbors.

[00:31:20] So they have the, the night before Christmas day, like in America, the 25th is the big

[00:31:26] day.

[00:31:26] You wake up, you run downstairs.

[00:31:28] But in Poland and Germany, the 24th is the big day.

[00:31:31] Oh.

[00:31:32] And so in, in, in Germany, usually the family got is you're going to have a big dinner on

[00:31:39] the, but they do a little thing, you know, prior to dinner.

[00:31:42] They, it's called the, the Judenjägerhund.

[00:31:45] Okay.

[00:31:46] I don't know.

[00:31:50] Oh, that sounds fun.

[00:31:51] Yeah.

[00:31:52] It's just, it's what, I don't know.

[00:31:53] I don't know German.

[00:31:54] I think it translates to find the Jew.

[00:31:56] So you, so what they do is, you know, some cultures have Santa Claus.

[00:32:01] And in Germany, they have a, they just put a guy with a yarmulke and funny hair and,

[00:32:05] and the prayer shawl and, and they'll just kind of dress him up and he's somewhere around

[00:32:12] the premises.

[00:32:13] So is it like an elf on the shelf?

[00:32:15] It's kind of like an elf on the shelf, but it's a, it's a genuine gentleman who's getting

[00:32:21] paid about 30 euro.

[00:32:23] Okay.

[00:32:24] They're like somewhere on the premises.

[00:32:26] And so they'll be like, okay, kids, do you see any?

[00:32:30] Choose here.

[00:32:31] And then everybody just starts looking around and the kids, it's fun.

[00:32:34] It's mostly for the kids.

[00:32:36] Although some of the odd adults is particularly the older ones.

[00:32:38] They really get into it.

[00:32:39] Get that.

[00:32:41] I have the great grandfather.

[00:32:43] My God.

[00:32:43] He's, he's like really kind of like, he runs to the attic and he pulls out the full uniform

[00:32:48] and he's like, we're back on boys.

[00:32:50] It's just sad.

[00:32:52] But you know, he's got the memories.

[00:32:53] He was so happy then.

[00:32:55] But so they're running around and, and, and just looking in the guy, you know, he's usually

[00:32:59] running behind a tree or in the barn or kind of in the car.

[00:33:02] So eventually they find him and they pelt him with a Judenkugel.

[00:33:09] Oh, I don't know what that is.

[00:33:10] It's a Jew noodles.

[00:33:12] And so they just, they call it Jew noodles and it's like, they take the Jew and they throw

[00:33:15] the, it's like a kind of a cinnamon-y noodles and they throw it at him and then they invite

[00:33:21] him in.

[00:33:21] It's the traditional acknowledgement of the, the sins.

[00:33:25] Yeah.

[00:33:26] Yeah.

[00:33:26] Yeah.

[00:33:26] It's like, okay, we did a bad thing.

[00:33:28] So they kind of bring him in.

[00:33:29] Then once you found him, you pelt him with the Judenkugel and then you bring him in,

[00:33:32] you sit him down and then you feed him.

[00:33:36] Oh.

[00:33:36] And, you know, you just kind of, you know, you apologize for transgressions past.

[00:33:41] It's Christmas.

[00:33:42] It's spirit of the holiday, you know, baby Jesus, all this other stuff.

[00:33:47] Sure.

[00:33:48] So then they, you know, they kind of reconcile and then, you know, there's a big product,

[00:33:54] big to do.

[00:33:55] And then there's a giving of gifts and stuff.

[00:33:57] And they'll always give him like several gifts as like, you know, kind of an apology.

[00:34:00] This is, this is for your great grandmother who was murdered.

[00:34:03] This is for your great uncle who was murdered.

[00:34:05] They, all these things.

[00:34:06] And then, you know, they walk him outside and they lead, they lead him out and they're

[00:34:09] walking away.

[00:34:10] And then one of the kids always comes up and shoots him in the back.

[00:34:16] And then they're like, he's a hero.

[00:34:19] But in German.

[00:34:21] I didn't know this is cross-cultural.

[00:34:22] Yeah.

[00:34:23] And so they're just like, the kids from anyone between 18 to 29 runs out, shoots him in the

[00:34:27] back.

[00:34:28] And they said, this is for the genocide from the rivers to the sea.

[00:34:31] And then they all said jumping up and down.

[00:34:35] Well, I mean, look, if the Germans say it's a genocide.

[00:34:40] They know.

[00:34:41] Yeah.

[00:34:42] They know what they're talking about.

[00:34:42] It's not some random guy on YouTube or Twitter.

[00:34:45] It's, it's, or blue sky.

[00:34:47] Yeah.

[00:34:47] I mean, I'm not going to like go to Mr. Rogers' house and like argue about how to reach

[00:34:51] kids on television.

[00:34:52] That's right.

[00:34:53] You want to really solid analogy.

[00:34:55] You want to reach kids?

[00:34:57] You become Mr. Rogers or Michael Jackson.

[00:34:59] Yeah.

[00:35:00] Both ways to reach kids.

[00:35:02] That's how you get them.

[00:35:03] Yeah.

[00:35:03] That's how you get them.

[00:35:05] Well, gosh.

[00:35:06] Okay.

[00:35:06] So, and how is Christmas different in Poland?

[00:35:08] Because that's a pretty intense German holiday.

[00:35:11] Yeah.

[00:35:12] I mean, it was kind of crazy there.

[00:35:13] Polish Christmas is a little different.

[00:35:16] After the dinner, that's when Santa's supposed to show up.

[00:35:19] Oh, okay.

[00:35:20] So in America, he comes in the, you know, you wake up in the morning, the gifts are there,

[00:35:23] but there Santa shows up.

[00:35:26] And so what you do is you have to trick the kids, you know, into going to the other room,

[00:35:30] kind of preoccupy them while Santa, you know, these fake Santa comes in and fills up the

[00:35:35] tree with presents and stuff.

[00:35:37] Yep.

[00:35:37] And then somebody goes, oh, kids, Santa's here, Santa's here.

[00:35:40] And they come running into the room and Santa's out now outside and walking away from the house.

[00:35:45] Oh.

[00:35:46] And the kids run up to the window and they're looking out the window and they see him and

[00:35:50] they're like, Santa, Santa, Santa.

[00:35:51] He's, he waves back to them and he turns around and keeps walking.

[00:35:55] And then someone comes out of the bushes and shoots him in the back.

[00:36:00] And then he falls down and the kids start cheering that he's a hero.

[00:36:05] Yeah.

[00:36:06] Like whoever killed Santa, you're a hero.

[00:36:09] That's weird.

[00:36:09] I mean, because Santa's pretty generous fella.

[00:36:12] Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

[00:36:13] He's a big toy.

[00:36:17] Yeah.

[00:36:18] And he's wealthy.

[00:36:19] He's wealthy.

[00:36:20] Anybody who can give you so many toys, you know, the worldwide is, is too rich.

[00:36:24] Shouldn't, there shouldn't be any billionaires.

[00:36:25] I saw that on Twitter, Jack.

[00:36:27] That's great, Brian.

[00:36:28] You know, no Twitter, no billionaires.

[00:36:30] Don't allow it.

[00:36:31] Really solid.

[00:36:32] Prevent billionaires from happening.

[00:36:34] And so, but now what other ways do poles, you know, at Christmas time sort of show their,

[00:36:40] let's say their intelligence levels like around, you know, gift giving or other sort of, you

[00:36:47] know, decorating that sort of thing around the holidays.

[00:36:49] Well, I mean, I last year, let's see, what did I get?

[00:36:55] I got a brassiere.

[00:36:59] Uh-huh.

[00:37:00] I got a badminton net.

[00:37:03] Okay.

[00:37:08] I got a can of propane.

[00:37:10] No, hard to get that on the plane back to the States.

[00:37:13] Yeah.

[00:37:14] That was, I was like, how am I supposed to carry this on?

[00:37:16] You know, depending.

[00:37:17] I mean, if it's like Sidney Sweeney, you could use the brassiere as the badminton net.

[00:37:22] I could, but I haven't seen Sidney Sweeney, so I don't know.

[00:37:25] Jesus Christ.

[00:37:27] Google Sidney Sweeney right now.

[00:37:30] Is it a movie?

[00:37:31] No.

[00:37:33] Has she been on English television?

[00:37:34] Let me try Sidney Sweeney BBC.

[00:37:38] Oh my God.

[00:37:47] 10% of people will get that joke and shame on you, 10%.

[00:37:51] That's all that matters.

[00:37:54] Oh, of course.

[00:37:55] Yes, I know.

[00:37:56] Okay.

[00:37:56] Yes.

[00:37:58] Yes.

[00:37:58] Yeah.

[00:37:58] Okay.

[00:37:59] Sidney Sweeney.

[00:38:00] Yeah.

[00:38:00] She was like the sister, the guy's sister.

[00:38:02] On White Lotus.

[00:38:02] Yeah.

[00:38:03] Okay.

[00:38:03] Now I get it.

[00:38:04] Yes.

[00:38:05] Well, Brian, you know, I think you've suitably offended any number of people during this

[00:38:10] segment and therefore fulfilled the promise of the show called Questionable Materials.

[00:38:14] So good job.

[00:38:15] Thank you very, very much, Jack.

[00:38:17] And a happy new year.

[00:38:19] A little wine is kicking in.

[00:38:21] No, it isn't.

[00:38:23] Have a Christmassy happy and a new year jink.

[00:38:26] Perfect.

[00:38:29] All right, Brian.

[00:38:30] We only have like two minutes left.

[00:38:32] Yeah.

[00:38:32] I know that you're such a great writer, songs, movies, ad copy.

[00:38:39] Sure.

[00:38:39] You're kind of legendary as a writer.

[00:38:41] Let's be honest.

[00:38:42] Let's not, let's not forget, forget that.

[00:38:45] Now you have been contracted by a bunch of famous people.

[00:38:48] I know to write, this is so sad.

[00:38:50] Famous people just cannot think for themselves to write their new year's resolutions.

[00:38:54] Yes.

[00:38:55] And so would you mind just, I, I, I have a list of the P of the celebrities here that

[00:38:59] you've hired you.

[00:39:01] I can't recall many.

[00:39:02] So that's good.

[00:39:03] That's perfect.

[00:39:04] I know.

[00:39:05] It's, I wonder why.

[00:39:06] So here is an opportunity for you just to tell us, just tell us their top new year's resolution.

[00:39:11] Yes.

[00:39:11] I'll give you the celebrity.

[00:39:12] You give me their top new year's resolution.

[00:39:13] Then we're going to be done.

[00:39:14] Of course.

[00:39:15] New year's buddy.

[00:39:16] Yeah.

[00:39:16] Happy new year.

[00:39:17] Happy new year to you.

[00:39:19] Yeah.

[00:39:20] Crazy that we've like gone a quarter of the way through a new century, by the way.

[00:39:24] Yeah.

[00:39:25] How is that even possible?

[00:39:26] It's not like Y2K was like five years ago.

[00:39:29] That just happened.

[00:39:30] Yeah.

[00:39:30] It's not good.

[00:39:30] We're old.

[00:39:31] Oh, I don't like this.

[00:39:32] No, it's yeah.

[00:39:33] It's a sad way to end the show.

[00:39:34] So, but happy is to talk about the celebrities who you've been helping.

[00:39:37] So let's, let's talk right now.

[00:39:39] New year's resolution.

[00:39:39] I know you worked with Cindy sweetie, your favorite, your favorite actress, your favorite hot young

[00:39:45] actress.

[00:39:45] What, what was she had you write her new year's resolution?

[00:39:48] What was it?

[00:39:49] She wants to be known by more 45 to 65 year olds.

[00:39:55] Oh, okay.

[00:39:56] Did she, did you have a reason why you wrote that for her?

[00:40:00] Well, because I had no idea who she was.

[00:40:04] I just thought this very attractive woman was talking to me and I was like, okay, how much?

[00:40:09] And, and then she's like, no, no, I'm a famous actress and, but not famous enough.

[00:40:14] Right.

[00:40:15] And I was like, oh, what's the deal?

[00:40:16] And she goes, well, people like you don't know who I am and I want to fix that.

[00:40:21] Sure.

[00:40:21] And I was like, okay, how much?

[00:40:25] And, and then she's like, no, she, and she, you know, once she got the point through, I

[00:40:28] was like, oh, okay, well, sure.

[00:40:29] Yeah.

[00:40:29] Then I'll get your name out there.

[00:40:31] Oh, okay.

[00:40:31] Well, that's great.

[00:40:32] Okay.

[00:40:33] Well, and it's working.

[00:40:33] You're talking about her on your show, on your nationally syndicated podcast.

[00:40:38] That's sydneysweeney.com.

[00:40:40] I'm going to go there right after we hang up this call.

[00:40:43] dot co dot UK.

[00:40:45] Oh, that's weird.

[00:40:46] My computer auto filled it very quickly.

[00:40:48] I wonder, it's odd.

[00:40:50] So, um, okay, let's go.

[00:40:52] I know your buddy, your political buddy, Joe Biden hired you.

[00:40:56] You'd think maybe he was a little angry about the musical, but I guess he hired you before

[00:40:59] that.

[00:41:00] What was his top New Year's resolution?

[00:41:02] He wants everyone in America, like every American voting person to vote for him in 2024.

[00:41:13] Oh, I bet he was happy with that.

[00:41:15] He was very happy with that.

[00:41:17] He, I said, you know, he's, he, I told him, okay, that, that sounds great.

[00:41:22] And he kind of walked off and then went into the closet, came out of the closet a few seconds

[00:41:28] later, said, this is not where I thought I would be.

[00:41:31] And I was like, no, I understand.

[00:41:33] And then, yeah.

[00:41:33] And then he went back into it.

[00:41:35] And then the second time he came out, I'm like, let me show you the right way to go.

[00:41:38] You know, he's God, but it's going to be exciting.

[00:41:41] It's good.

[00:41:41] He's got a good couple of months left.

[00:41:43] Well, I think he's got a great shot in 2024.

[00:41:46] So good luck, Joe.

[00:41:46] Yeah.

[00:41:47] That's what he thinks.

[00:41:48] So, uh, great.

[00:41:49] Now, Matt Gates hired you to write his new year's resolution.

[00:41:52] What was Matt Gates's top new year's resolution for 2025?

[00:41:57] Uh, he knows that he he's been busted, uh, for Venmoing prostitutes and not using clever

[00:42:03] enough, uh, nicknames and reasons for the, so, you know, most of us, if we use Venmo, it's

[00:42:09] like, oh, pizza, Tudor, uh, you know, bike repair, you know, that kind of stuff.

[00:42:15] Yep.

[00:42:16] And he was like, hooker Jane.

[00:42:18] And so he knows he shouldn't do that anymore.

[00:42:21] So I, you know, his resolution is to be more creative.

[00:42:24] Okay.

[00:42:25] So I'm helping with him with that.

[00:42:27] So it'll be like, you know, uh, you know, uh, flute session.

[00:42:32] Oh.

[00:42:33] You know what I'm saying?

[00:42:35] Yeah.

[00:42:35] A dirty trombone.

[00:42:38] Mm-hmm.

[00:42:38] Mm-hmm.

[00:42:38] So it kind of leaves you wondering.

[00:42:41] Yeah.

[00:42:41] I mean, not really though.

[00:42:44] Anal dance.

[00:42:46] Yeah.

[00:42:47] Again, not, uh, difficult to figure out.

[00:42:51] Rectal parade, Jack.

[00:42:53] Okay.

[00:42:55] How many rectal parades have you been in?

[00:42:57] Uh, I was MC of one.

[00:43:00] Uh-huh.

[00:43:01] And after that, I was like, the perctologist convention thing is not for me.

[00:43:04] No, I know.

[00:43:06] I mean, I know you'll chase a paycheck, but.

[00:43:07] Yeah.

[00:43:08] I mean, I'm willing to back down from that.

[00:43:10] You can do better.

[00:43:11] Thank you.

[00:43:13] And then just, I know you wrote a, um, a new year's resolution for my wife.

[00:43:17] Yes.

[00:43:18] Wait, just for sweet Betsy.

[00:43:20] What did you, what did you write?

[00:43:21] She just, she, she has been adamant that she wants one more chance.

[00:43:27] Oh.

[00:43:28] Huh?

[00:43:28] Yeah.

[00:43:29] I mean, I'd be, I'd love to give her another chance.

[00:43:32] Well.

[00:43:34] Yeah.

[00:43:34] I mean, it's, it was, it was not related to that.

[00:43:37] It was different.

[00:43:39] It was about Sardo's Adventure Club, which is in Long Island.

[00:43:44] Oh.

[00:43:45] Warehouse space.

[00:43:47] Very dark.

[00:43:48] Filled with mattresses and ping pong tables for people who just can't focus.

[00:43:55] And, um, and she loved it.

[00:43:56] She had a great time.

[00:43:58] She had guilty feelings afterwards, but she wants to go back.

[00:44:01] And this is her resolution is to go back and return and have a good time again.

[00:44:06] Jesus.

[00:44:06] And she's going to ping pong.

[00:44:09] Really?

[00:44:09] That's, it's weird because she's, she, uh, has always sort of said she has trouble gripping

[00:44:15] the, um, she has a little tremor in her right hand.

[00:44:17] She always has trouble gripping the, um, the paddle.

[00:44:19] No, no.

[00:44:19] She's, she shoots the balls.

[00:44:21] Oh, she shoots them.

[00:44:22] Oh, so she.

[00:44:24] Yep.

[00:44:25] Exactly.

[00:44:25] Jack.

[00:44:27] Happy New Year, Brian.

[00:44:28] Happy New Year, Jack.

[00:44:33] That was Questionable Material with Jack and Brian.

[00:44:37] Subscribe on any podcast platform.

[00:44:39] Visit us at qmpodcast.com.