Half a Helen Keller

[00:00:01] Hey liberal guys, how would you like to spend time with a beautiful woman?

[00:00:07] Are you man enough for my economic fantasies?

[00:00:11] A woman who chose this lifestyle is just waiting for you to call

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[00:00:24] Share the night and learn all her intimate secrets. I'll do whatever you want

[00:00:31] As long as the UN says it's okay

[00:00:35] Pick up the phone and in moments you can be talking to the girl of your dreams about the dangers of fracking

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[00:00:48] Liberal chat, what are you waiting for?

[00:00:51] Only $4.99 a minute unless you make less than $38,000 a year then the government will foot the entire bill

[00:00:57] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian a

[00:01:04] Mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack

[00:01:11] QM podcast calm I

[00:01:17] Said start this jihad Jack

[00:01:19] No, that's not

[00:01:21] Are we comedy jihad was is a pretty good rebrand for us?

[00:01:25] That's what I wanted to change the name of the podcast to comedy jihad

[00:01:31] man

[00:01:32] You know our sponsor should change the name of their business to copy jihad copy jihad or silent jihad

[00:01:40] silent

[00:01:41] That's the worst type of G. It really is because you don't see it coming. You don't even hear the Allah Akbar

[00:01:47] Just it's just over

[00:01:49] That's the fun. That's like it's like having sex tantric style like you don't do the fun part. That's right

[00:01:54] It's just long drawn-out, but it's a fantastic sting says

[00:01:58] Yeah, I guess I mean it's just a lot of kissing and looking at each other's eyes like I try to avoid that on Sanya

[00:02:04] Yeah, it's especially when you have one eye

[00:02:07] You can you like you just don't know you got a focus

[00:02:12] You really do it's it's for listeners who don't know and why would anyone know? I am blind in my right eye

[00:02:27] I'm laughing. Oh

[00:02:29] Yeah

[00:02:33] So I'm blind in my right eye that's that's the truth and deaf in one ear

[00:02:37] Which is why you thought that there was something wrong with the microphone

[00:02:40] It's exactly right. That is true

[00:02:44] Yeah, no, I'm I am half a Keller. I was born

[00:02:47] Blind in my right eye and I lost hearing in my right ear in 2017

[00:02:51] That's right. Just turned off like a speaker turns off it did so that's fun a little fun trivia

[00:02:57] That's a little trivia little jack disability trivia

[00:03:01] That'll be on the disability test later and it and again

[00:03:04] It really does help in this culture to have some disabilities in my back pocket

[00:03:07] You need to have a list of things wrong with you in order to get ahead. Yeah, absolutely

[00:03:13] Oh, I've got ADHD and anxiety and I don't sleep well and cats make me nervous

[00:03:20] That's a disability cats making you nervous

[00:03:25] You know everything's a disability these days if you look at anything like Instagram or reddit

[00:03:31] It's in the bios Jack you put it in the bios

[00:03:34] You know, you put a laundry list of things that are wrong with you in the bios that gets you

[00:03:39] social credit and

[00:03:41] sympathy, of course and oppression points

[00:03:45] Oppression points. That's the number one currency and so that's what you do

[00:03:51] Now I know you were talking to me a couple weeks ago that you said you you wanted to sort of increase your disability game

[00:03:57] And that there are some ways that I could potentially help

[00:04:00] So what did you mean by that? How can I help you become more disabled?

[00:04:05] Well, I need you to emphasize that my feet arches are not what they should be

[00:04:11] Whoa, I'm suffering from arch fatigue chronic arch fatigue syndrome. Mm-hmm

[00:04:22] There's got to be an Ibram X Kendi of foot fatigue

[00:04:26] There has to be somebody who wants to be racist based on the arches of your feet. Mm-hmm

[00:04:32] Yeah, and if not, I could be that guy

[00:04:36] Right or maybe we just need to be more accepting that sort of you know

[00:04:40] A Western European type of standard that arches in feet sort of should should go up and then back down

[00:04:48] Maybe we need to toss that out the window. I don't know but it just reminded me of these shoes

[00:04:52] They tried to sell a long while back at a store in New York

[00:04:57] Which are and they were based on the feet of I think Maasai tribesmen in Africa

[00:05:02] okay, who go largely barefoot and

[00:05:06] These souls were actually like

[00:05:10] convex

[00:05:11] It was like walking on use. Oh

[00:05:14] And there were these there were sneakers and it was the weirdest feeling but it was trying

[00:05:18] It was supposedly to give you the feeling of like running barefoot in

[00:05:23] The desert or Africa

[00:05:25] The jungle which I don't know why I'd want to feel like I'm doing that

[00:05:31] No, that seems like a benefit of Western society it is kind of cool now have to run through a jungle or desert

[00:05:38] Right and just kind of maybe you know plot along your way

[00:05:41] Maybe you have bad posture or your arches are messed up

[00:05:43] But I'm not on weird shoes that make me feel like I'm walking on balloons

[00:05:48] No, absolutely. I mean it's it's you know, we get to you know in the West we have clothes that for example

[00:05:56] Show the correct Super Bowl winners in Africa. They think the Buffalo Bills won like four four Super Bowl. That's right

[00:06:03] Yes, they do get the hand-me-downs

[00:06:07] You know, what are some other disabilities that you're sort of hoping to get I mean you're you know

[00:06:11] You're certainly a man of advanced age. What you know, what are some of the things you're sort of hoping for?

[00:06:15] I don't feel like advanced a well, you know, I have a hard time

[00:06:20] Reading the tiny tiny tiny print on

[00:06:23] bottles and products like directions

[00:06:26] Wow, and that hurts

[00:06:29] Where's that representation in America's boardrooms?

[00:06:32] I I don't know the people who can't read tiny tiny print aren't there

[00:06:38] Otherwise if I were on a board I would step up and say I can't read what it says to do with this paint thinner

[00:06:44] We're this terrible and because I knew you were just painting this past weekend

[00:06:50] What did you wind up doing with the paint thinner? I gave it to the dog

[00:06:54] To paint or to consume. No, I gave it to the dog to consume

[00:07:02] The dog gave one good sniff and those dogs have really good smelling abilities

[00:07:07] Mm-hmm

[00:07:08] Even more than my wife and they sniff at that sniff at that and he she was just like no not having that

[00:07:14] I'm like fair enough. I guess it's not meant for consumption by dogs. And so I put it in the windshield tank

[00:07:22] The windshield fluid tank. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

[00:07:26] So and I know it was a rainy weekend here in upstate New York. What?

[00:07:32] How did that work out for you?

[00:07:34] well, I would went to clean the windows and the cars behind me suddenly got pockmarked with paint splatter and

[00:07:42] So like now they have a pattern on their cars that look like somebody in front of them

[00:07:48] Sprayed paint thinner into the air. You can imagine there was a lot of honking

[00:07:54] Mm-hmm, a lot of tailgating

[00:07:57] People telling me to pull over

[00:07:59] Mm-hmm

[00:08:00] Fortunately, I don't have a license plate so they don't know who I was just some jerk in a car

[00:08:10] Remind me what's the what's the backstory again on why you don't have a license plate because in the sovereign state of

[00:08:15] Bryanistan where I live we don't need license plates

[00:08:19] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

[00:08:22] how large of a

[00:08:24] piece of land does that encompass in the sovereign state of

[00:08:29] Bryanistan it is

[00:08:31] 850 acres, but that's because I define acres differently

[00:08:38] Okay, yeah, I mean, you know different countries have different units of weight and measures what's an acre in Brian

[00:08:45] Meters it's about

[00:08:49] 200 something

[00:08:52] Acres in imperialist America. I love how carefully you've thought this out

[00:09:02] Okay. Well, it seems like yeah, you should probably be driving with a license plate because you're gonna leave the independent

[00:09:10] Republic of Bryanistan. Well, I don't recognize any borders

[00:09:14] Mm-hmm

[00:09:15] My driveway is not manned

[00:09:17] Mm-hmm. Hmm. Wait, so you're saying your driveway is not manned

[00:09:20] So someone could come in and like in like a foreign power could come invade. Yeah. Well somebody tried that the other day

[00:09:27] What happened? That's terrible. I don't know the he was from

[00:09:33] Some kind of military looking outfit. He had like a like a hard hat on

[00:09:38] Some sort he had a clipboard and it looked like he was headed over to my electrical meter to to disable it

[00:09:45] Probably in anticipation of an attack

[00:09:47] Mm-hmm. Well, that's that's the con Ed guy Kevin just to do your electric. I don't know his name

[00:09:55] I'm not saying his name is Ed. It's con Edison the the electric company of New York State

[00:10:02] So why are they attacking me?

[00:10:05] They probably just are mad that you haven't paid your bill. That's a guess

[00:10:10] Yeah, but what bill I don't recognize bills

[00:10:13] Okay, you're sending me stuff from your country

[00:10:17] to my

[00:10:18] sovereign mailbox and

[00:10:20] Telling me I owe your country money. I don't think so. Yeah, that's not a foreign invader

[00:10:26] That's just a guy you didn't hold up your end of a business arrangement. It's probably in the fine print

[00:10:32] That's why you missed it where you receive electricity and pay for it. Well, it doesn't matter anyway, cuz I live off the grid

[00:10:38] Well, I mean not the power grid I am off the power grid. Oh, are you yep, I bought 300 feet worth of extension cord

[00:10:46] And I went through the woods and I found my neighbor has an outlet in his backyard

[00:10:53] And I tapped into that

[00:10:56] Okay

[00:10:57] That's that's not off the grid living. That's just that's just stealing some other dudes electricity

[00:11:02] Just I'm not on a grid my I am drawing from other grids

[00:11:06] Yeah, okay that's a little more accurate

[00:11:09] Okay. Well, it's shameful. So what happened to us? So this foreign invader you see is an enemy shows up on your property

[00:11:16] How did that exchange go? Well, I walked up I saw him I had the dog with me, of course German Shepherd

[00:11:22] Yep, that's true tiny bit of Malinois

[00:11:25] Because the breeders not very good and then I released the

[00:11:29] dog

[00:11:31] Okay, and the dog

[00:11:34] Okay, and the dog looked at the invader and ran over to him and

[00:11:39] The invader didn't know what to do kind of put his hands up in the air and kind of this sheepish gesture

[00:11:44] And then the dog fell on its side and offered up its belly

[00:11:50] Do you think that's possibly paint thinner brain damage?

[00:11:54] I could she could have been high from the fumes because it had just happened moments before

[00:11:59] or

[00:12:00] maybe it's just a clever dog technique because

[00:12:03] He was obviously

[00:12:05] initially scared and then the dog plopped down and offered her belly and so he leaned over to

[00:12:13] Pet the dog presumably give it belly rubs. And that means he wasn't looking at me. I

[00:12:22] Say this sort of tag team thing. So, okay. So what happened? What did you do? I whacked him in the head with a shovel

[00:12:30] Yeah, that's that's illegal

[00:12:32] well

[00:12:34] Who's he gonna tell?

[00:12:37] I would assume no, and I I assume he's dead. No, no, he's not dead

[00:12:40] He was moaning but unconscious

[00:12:42] I put him in the back of his truck his military vehicle as I view it and I drove to a different location

[00:12:50] Mm-hmm

[00:12:51] my next-door neighbor

[00:12:54] And I abandoned the car there with him in the back and at some point there was a tremendous police presence

[00:13:02] And my neighbors in prison for the next several years which means free electricity for me

[00:13:10] That's what a happy ending to this story. Exactly Jack. Oh

[00:13:14] My gosh comedy jihad has happy endings. So does the Korean spa down the street?

[00:13:25] So whatever happened to your dog by the way

[00:13:27] Well, she's I mean she now offers her belly up to anybody. She presumes I should whack in the head with a shovel

[00:13:34] Is that how you take it? I?

[00:13:37] Mean, that's how I view it. I mean, it's hard. We don't dogs haven't advanced enough to speak the Queen's English

[00:13:44] So I don't really know how to communicate with her. She understands certain things

[00:13:48] mm-hmm

[00:13:50] Like

[00:13:52] Food bed car walk Hitler

[00:14:01] Belly rubs

[00:14:03] What belly rubs

[00:14:06] No, the one but I think the one before that Hitler

[00:14:09] Yeah, yeah, he your dog understands Hitler. Well, I've trained her

[00:14:15] To when I say Hitler she does the salute

[00:14:20] That's just shake

[00:14:24] Yeah, but if you put a Sieg Heil behind it, it's actually much more ominous. Yeah, it's chilling actually if you think yeah

[00:14:31] Okay

[00:14:32] Hey libertarian guys want to spice up your life and talk to a beautiful woman I

[00:14:39] want to talk to you a

[00:14:43] hot lonely girl who believes strongly in the economic theories of Ludwig von Mises a

[00:14:49] free market economy

[00:14:54] Heat up the night talking to a beautiful girl about reduced military engagement

[00:14:59] Do you think 9-11 was a direct result of our foreign policy you naughty boy

[00:15:06] Just pick up the phone a self-reliant individualist is eagerly awaiting your call

[00:15:14] Tell me how you pull out of the UN

[00:15:19] Libertarian chat, what are you waiting for?

[00:15:22] Only $4.99 a minute in American dollars backed only by a gold standard

[00:15:26] So Brian, I understand you were beginning to tell me right before we came on air and then I didn't I didn't want to talk

[00:15:32] About it save it for the show that your son has gone back to school and that you had some news regarding that

[00:15:40] Yeah, he went back to school

[00:15:42] and he joined a fraternity a

[00:15:46] Brotherhood

[00:15:48] Wow, what no hold on a brotherhood that what was the name of the fraternity joint? That's kod

[00:15:56] Huh, and they don't do Greek it's Knights of Death

[00:16:05] Okay, that's is it like a Dungeons and Dragons Club what what what does that mean?

[00:16:11] No, I mean, they're very focused on mortality

[00:16:16] Huh? And so like the whole theme of the of the fraternity house is is mortality and death

[00:16:24] Okay, it sounds like they would have some fun parties and they don't do parties they do autopsies

[00:16:33] But you can come

[00:16:37] Right. You can come to the party

[00:16:38] You mean you can come to the party and watch the autopsy but of course no alcohol aside from the formaldehyde

[00:16:44] Right

[00:16:46] Okay, so they they they do autopsies on on on who?

[00:16:51] People who have donated their bodies to science. Oh, that's nice. What so the boys are doing science? No

[00:17:01] That's weird. So where did they get the bodies?

[00:17:03] They get them from the science school. I

[00:17:06] see the science school has a building filled with cadavers for use by the medical students and

[00:17:13] Fraternities that are death-oriented

[00:17:15] That's yeah, I know college campuses have gotten really weird over the last ten years, but I have not heard of this

[00:17:23] Yeah, I hit is the first I heard of it, but he sounded very excited

[00:17:26] He said the room was a lot bigger

[00:17:28] That he was gonna be living in than the dorm room that he had

[00:17:32] Mm-hmm. And so he was he was looking forward to having a little more space for you

[00:17:36] Know a little some accoutrement for the room like a sofa coffee table guillotine things like that

[00:17:41] That kind of bring life to a room

[00:17:45] Well, it feels like it would be just the opposite of what it brings to a room

[00:17:48] Well coffee table can collapse if you're lying on it, but the trick is to not lie on it

[00:17:53] Let's see. That's exactly what I was worried about

[00:17:56] well again, that's a good tip right there that's just I

[00:18:00] Envy people who listen to this show because they get so much life information like life hacks

[00:18:06] I would say yep life pro tips. Yeah

[00:18:11] You you people are really lucky. We should call the podcast pro tips

[00:18:15] Yeah, I mean we could I mean it's if you like if you're into bad names I suppose you good yeah tell me

[00:18:22] So, okay. So they doing the cadaver. They're doing the autopsies and stuff. What are um, you know

[00:18:27] part of the fun of fraternities is you know getting together with your

[00:18:31] You know a sorority for like a rager

[00:18:33] I guess they don't do that but it's certainly like the hookup culture with sorority sisters

[00:18:38] What's that like in his fraternity? There is a they have a what they call it a partner fraternity

[00:18:44] Mm-hmm for people with vaginas

[00:18:47] We don't use the term women on a college campus. And so it's called the sisters of mopiness

[00:18:55] the SOM

[00:18:57] I don't like when everybody's on the same kind of riding the same mellow wave and just being kind of boring

[00:19:03] I like somebody who's you know climbing on the roof and you know shouting and and you know

[00:19:09] Just setting things on fire

[00:19:10] You're bringing a little life to a party

[00:19:13] In a

[00:19:15] Building stocked with formaldehyde

[00:19:17] Human bombs. Is that a good idea?

[00:19:20] No, and that that's you know is something you you learn you live and learn

[00:19:26] How how so what I don't understand what you mean? Well, I just got off the phone

[00:19:31] with my son and

[00:19:34] They're moving the fraternity

[00:19:37] There was a girl wasn't on her meds got very excited place went up in flames

[00:19:42] Fortunately, nobody was hurt. Only the dead people were burned

[00:19:47] And so because they couldn't flee

[00:19:51] Right, so they're relocating their frat house to a new part of the town

[00:19:56] It's not on the college campus, which is unfortunate because it's less convenient to get to sure

[00:20:02] But you know, it's a start he's excited about it. He's got said plywood and two by fours

[00:20:08] Some screws and nails and things and they've got an eagerness to get her done

[00:20:13] Hey, man before Jimmy Carter kicks it like, you know, get him out there building this thing

[00:20:17] Yeah, they did ask Habitat for Humanity to come out there and help them

[00:20:23] They you know, but they said Habitat for Humanity said they're too focused on housing justice

[00:20:31] They weren't able to help the fraternity. Well, that's a shame

[00:20:34] I mean there's I can think of no one who deserves justice more than these poor

[00:20:38] Souls who had this terrible accident happened. Yeah, it's a shame because he was so excited about the new fraternity

[00:20:46] What what part of town were they moved to?

[00:20:49] It's I mean, it's called underpass

[00:20:52] Because it's next to the highway underpass. Mm-hmm. And so their plan is to take the unused space

[00:21:00] They will make accommodations for the two homeless guys who live there, okay. Oh nice so it's not like a full

[00:21:07] Annexation but they're gonna build their fraternity house

[00:21:10] Well, that's exciting. Gosh, there are so many so so many fraternities in in the California area. Oh

[00:21:18] Yeah, I mean that that's where they got their inspiration. Mm-hmm as the fraternity system in California

[00:21:24] Which all these fraternities spring up all over the place? Mm-hmm, and I don't know what schools are affiliated with

[00:21:31] But you know, it's it is inspiring

[00:21:34] What is there is there a college called shit on the street University that's in San Francisco, okay, so I was right

[00:21:40] So that is in California. Okay, so I know that's one

[00:21:43] Yeah, I mean there's

[00:21:47] the College of Public Masturbation

[00:21:52] Overdosing in public university. Mm-hmm

[00:21:57] Well fentanyl state is up there I think fentanyl state. Mm-hmm

[00:22:02] Yeah, there's there's time and then of course Harvard

[00:22:07] Right, by the way, if you can't go out there there the fentanyl state online

[00:22:14] Is also a great accredited sort of online University. Yes

[00:22:18] And what sort of stuff did they teach there? Because I know you I know your son was looking into that

[00:22:22] You know just needle cleaning

[00:22:25] Mm-hmm sharing

[00:22:27] The best way to kind of you know, when you're standing and almost falling asleep standing up

[00:22:33] You know the best kind of poses where you can kind of maintain balance without completely keeling over. It's great

[00:22:38] We're kind of engages everybody around you to kind of watch and imagine like

[00:22:42] How incredible is that you're actually still standing up when you're actually not conscious. Yeah, I

[00:22:48] Like practical classes. It's not Native American art

[00:22:51] This is not like women's studies this is studying Phil as he stands there on the subway his pants around his ankles

[00:22:59] unaware

[00:23:00] Well, let me ask you though about your son's fraternity if we could go back to to New York State. Yeah

[00:23:09] You said that he had two two homeless guys joined the fraternity. How's the that integration gone?

[00:23:15] Like can you tell us about these two?

[00:23:17] I mean, you know, I don't know if they act like gentlemen, but they are males or as they say a college penis

[00:23:24] Well, I mean I think one is a is a paranoid schizophrenic so of course

[00:23:29] It's a little difficult with him. You got to kind of you know, be very careful with how you approach him

[00:23:35] Talk to him, you know what you say and do

[00:23:38] You stay away from his tent

[00:23:41] You know, you know, you're not supposed to be there

[00:23:43] What you say and do

[00:23:46] You stay away from his tent

[00:23:48] He's laid out in his tent. There's a chalk line there. And if you cross the chalk line, he'll he said i'm gonna cut you

[00:23:55] So you stay clear of that

[00:23:59] The other gentleman is when he's conscious. He's he seems quite harmless. He's he's very quiet. He's soft-spoken

[00:24:06] um

[00:24:07] He's a reader

[00:24:08] Oh

[00:24:10] That's nice. Yep

[00:24:12] You know a philosophy like what sort of stuff does he read band-aid instructions

[00:24:19] He's not much for doing handstands on a keg

[00:24:22] Because those muscles have atrophied after years of of lying in a puddle of his own urine

[00:24:28] Those muscles kind of just give up after time. Sure

[00:24:32] um, and then he'll show people is he's got you know, he's

[00:24:35] What they can look forward to as they get older in life. He's got a collection of scabs

[00:24:41] Uh that he saved over the years and he had anybody, you know, it's amazing for a guy who can't remember

[00:24:46] How a band-aid works. He can tell you each scab the history behind it

[00:24:51] where the injury is from or what drug caused it or

[00:24:56] Why you know

[00:24:58] Why it was there in the first place. He's got a solid memory when it comes to that

[00:25:02] That is fascinating. So it's just like a hefty bag of scabs. Yeah. Well, it's a it's a military trunk

[00:25:09] Oh

[00:25:10] Okay, it's from he served the country back

[00:25:13] many years ago

[00:25:15] How many what war was he in? He was in uh, he was just after vietnam

[00:25:22] Uh, what got the gulf war he was right before the gulf war

[00:25:27] granada

[00:25:29] exactly

[00:25:33] And he said, you know, he he was one of the first people in granada. Yep, and he single-handedly

[00:25:39] commandeered a bicycle

[00:25:41] Well, that's amazing. Yes from a medical student

[00:25:47] No wonder he gets along with the the boys of the fraternity. They're stealing medical students things

[00:25:52] Yeah, he relates he relates and that's one of the things they connected on

[00:25:56] That's great. But he also knows where the other bodies are that you don't have to go through the school

[00:26:02] Because there's a hobo graveyard

[00:26:06] I've i've not been to a hobo graveyard in in a while. What?

[00:26:10] How do you sort of know you're in a hobo graveyard well hobo graveyards, of course are you know

[00:26:15] There's not a lot of money in it. There's you know, and there's not a lot of family really caring about stones and stuff

[00:26:21] So you get a popsicle stick

[00:26:23] It'll have you know until the weather gets to it. You'll get a name there

[00:26:27] Maybe a date

[00:26:29] Eventually, it turns into just kind of a blob

[00:26:32] Sure, which kind of makes an adventure because you don't know what you're digging up

[00:26:35] Right. Oh, that's kind of fun. The knights of death will have one of their dig up parties

[00:26:39] The dups and they'll get out there and they'll just start digging

[00:26:42] and then of course when you're

[00:26:44] A hobo, you're not buried in a very expensive coffin, you know

[00:26:48] You're not going to get some kind of metal deal or some heavy oak casket. They usually put you in rolled up carpets

[00:26:54] that are being disposed of

[00:26:56] It's a way of getting rid of the carpet and at the same time burying a hobo

[00:27:01] So it seems uh, it seems like a green cemetery

[00:27:05] In a way of you know, the rubber backing of many carpets is not necessarily green. I see

[00:27:13] What's what does that do to the water table in that area?

[00:27:17] Uh, well, I mean it's officially listed as gross

[00:27:25] So they do advise you- Is that a government designation? It is yeah when you're in a in a feeded water area

[00:27:32] And it's listed as grow and they you know, they will advise that you use a breed of water filter at the very least

[00:27:39] But ideally you will just bypass and use municipal water

[00:27:44] So so does the uh, does the breed of water filter? I mean like you just get like, you know, like kidney in it and stuff

[00:27:50] You'll get bits of it. Yeah. I mean it really depends on the kind, you know, the company, you know

[00:27:54] some carpets are very thick and so

[00:27:56] You know the the bugs and earth can't penetrate and get to you know, what they want to do which is dissolve the hobo

[00:28:05] That's also what hobos want to do to each other. They want to dissolve hobo. They want to dissolve hobos love dissolving one another

[00:28:18] What is this show we're doing? I don't know

[00:28:25] Definitely weird copy plus

[00:28:29] Silent partners silent partners

[00:28:34] So brian, we do need to get a little business out of the way. Yeah, this is week two

[00:28:40] Yeah of our sponsorship with silent part silent copy partner plus

[00:28:46] Nope, no

[00:28:47] No wrong. That's not wrong. That's death to copy plus it's silent partners jack

[00:28:53] It is silent partners our our official uh sponsor week two of our sponsorship week two of

[00:29:01] silent partners

[00:29:03] The the owner of silent partners, uh, and I had a very interesting conversation

[00:29:08] Right before we started recording this podcast murray

[00:29:12] Uh, his name is not his name is not murray ezekiel

[00:29:17] I don't

[00:29:18] That doesn't feel right

[00:29:20] Gwyneth

[00:29:21] Yes, that's his name

[00:29:22] So gwyneth and I were on the phone on a zoom call. Yeah, and because again the silent partners

[00:29:30] Top flight stuff like they do zoom calls. It's not just phone calls. Not no landlines

[00:29:34] They've kicked it up a notch is what you're saying

[00:29:37] It's it's a it's a big deal. That is what i'm saying

[00:29:40] And I was I was being chided. It's it's the only sponsorship deal. Uh, he believes in advertising history

[00:29:46] where the person doing the advertising

[00:29:49] Uh is begging to pay the bill

[00:29:52] Because I sort of forgot to invoice him you forgot to invoice the sponsor

[00:29:56] So he's just like please let me pay you let me get this paperwork going is this maybe why we didn't get paid by manscaped

[00:30:04] No, that's the those guys screwed us over. Okay

[00:30:08] No, that was that's no and I I would hope that everyone has a big unkempt bushy pubic mound

[00:30:15] Yes, rather than give

[00:30:17] Manscaped a penny of your money. That's right. I wish I hadn't

[00:30:22] Used their device that they sent me for free

[00:30:25] How did you find the device worked pretty great

[00:30:29] Oh, geez, that's that's not what my wife said. I felt like a baby

[00:30:33] with a big penis

[00:30:38] she said it's like as if a

[00:30:40] Baby's bottom has a big penis coming out of it

[00:30:46] She's polish. So there may be translation issues

[00:30:49] You know, I just kind of get the vague translation then I run it. I run it through google and see what that says

[00:30:54] And then for kicks i'll try to translate it to mandarin then back to english then back to polish

[00:30:59] So what what what was what were the exact english words your wife used to describe that moment?

[00:31:08] Um

[00:31:09] You remind me of tim

[00:31:13] You know who's psyched about this conversation silent partners silent partners

[00:31:19] So they're begging me. So we've got to we got to send this guy an invoice

[00:31:24] Uh, and he's definitely getting his money's worth tonight I would think so

[00:31:29] because

[00:31:30] Everybody right now is going

[00:31:32] What is silent partners?

[00:31:34] And so that's the question of the hour

[00:31:37] Yep. Yep. It is sure is what does silent partners do? I know that's the question, right?

[00:31:43] What do silent partners do how would an englishman say it?

[00:31:47] Do or does

[00:31:49] How would your how would your polish wife say it?

[00:31:52] Who is this man?

[00:31:57] Okay

[00:31:58] They have funny polish expressions

[00:32:01] So silent partners

[00:32:03] You know what? Here's how it was described to me that silent partners is the antidote to the loneliness of leadership

[00:32:11] I'm sad, isn't that cool? Yeah, but I feel sad now

[00:32:15] Why would you feel sad? It's the antidote of loneliness the loneliness of leadership

[00:32:19] okay

[00:32:20] so

[00:32:21] And I can imagine being like look at Robert Mugabe

[00:32:27] You know, it's lonely at the top

[00:32:30] You killed off all your rivals

[00:32:32] and a lot of other people who just kind of

[00:32:35] Happen to be in the vicinity

[00:32:37] Right and you're alone

[00:32:39] Leadership is lonely and silent partners is the antidote to the loneliness of leadership

[00:32:46] Absolutely, but Mugabe's dead. So what are they doing now?

[00:32:50] I don't know. That's probably why they're just trying to drum up business on podcasts. Okay, so i'm a leader and i'm lonely

[00:33:00] And I call silent partners

[00:33:03] Hi fellas

[00:33:06] Hi, hi, can we i'm a leader of a business? Yeah, i'm a leader of a business

[00:33:11] And leadership is lonely. I need an antidote for that

[00:33:15] Well, we have a paint thinner mixer

[00:33:20] Try try chasing one of those

[00:33:23] Chase then you'll be you'll be surrounded by all sorts of ghosts in heaven

[00:33:29] How is that now? How is that making me less lonely in my leadership position?

[00:33:33] Well, you have all the ghosts, you know all the the pets you lost

[00:33:38] Uh, you know throughout your life, um, you know, maybe you're back united with grandma

[00:33:43] Um brian who lost his mother when he was 14

[00:33:46] Mommy and um, you know, maybe now you're seeing mommy again

[00:33:50] So silent partners will reunite me with my dead mother

[00:33:57] probably

[00:33:58] It's the antidote for the loneliness of leadership brian

[00:34:02] I like the tagline

[00:34:04] But i'm trying to figure out what I would hire them for

[00:34:09] Well again, it's leadership is hard yes, right

[00:34:13] It's it it actually is lonely because you're sort of the only person the buck stops with you

[00:34:18] And you've got the responsibility of the entire business that weighed on your shoulders to deliver for your employees for yourself for your family

[00:34:25] To sort of make it all happen and all the decisions kind of have to fall to you

[00:34:29] It can be very lonely if you don't have anyone just ask prince. Hal

[00:34:34] I don't know prince. Hal who's prince. Hal prince

[00:34:36] Hal was friends with fall staff who was the village drunkard

[00:34:39] But then when prince hal was suddenly thrust into the limelight and had to be a king

[00:34:45] He had to have fall staff hanged for being a bit of a boozing drunk

[00:34:50] It's lonely at the top. Yeah

[00:34:53] That's probably what they mean. I gotta

[00:34:56] Maybe you got to join me on one of these calls

[00:35:00] So I can ask questions like what does your organization do

[00:35:04] I already told you last week they help like, you know

[00:35:06] When it's time to sell your business when you're about 18 months out from selling your business, they're call silent partners

[00:35:12] They're going to help you not only maximize the value of your business, but but like take care of the entire sale

[00:35:17] They're consultants

[00:35:19] They're consultants, but but sort of at you know, at you know, sort of at the big business level

[00:35:25] They're the real deal that their partner list that their client list actually is kind of crazy big and impressive

[00:35:31] So like give me one

[00:35:38] You can't because they're silent, right?

[00:35:41] I yeah, I swear they everything's an nda over there. All right, so they so I have a big company

[00:35:49] And I want to do something with it. Mm-hmm

[00:35:52] Sell it

[00:35:54] Yeah

[00:35:55] And they're going to come in and help me sell it for more money

[00:35:59] Right

[00:36:00] And also they're going to help you realize the different goals that you're trying to achieve with your business

[00:36:05] You know, perhaps it's not all about getting every last penny

[00:36:07] Maybe it's about making sure that the business is set up to succeed for 100 years into the future

[00:36:12] Maybe it's to stay in the town that supports the business and the business supports the town

[00:36:17] There's all sorts of different things when you're a lonely business leader brian

[00:36:21] So if I owned a barbecue grill company, yes

[00:36:24] That made high quality barbecue grills, right made in america. Yep

[00:36:30] And I wanted to sell it because I was tired

[00:36:34] And lonely and lonely at the top

[00:36:37] I want to spend more time by myself

[00:36:40] Not at the office

[00:36:42] Right, and then I call silent partners

[00:36:45] Mm-hmm, and they stroll in in cowboy boots

[00:36:49] Yep

[00:36:51] and a hat

[00:36:53] They I know the owner has a cowboy hat

[00:36:55] All right, then so he strolls into today. Really? I just I feel like I should be a psychic

[00:37:00] So he strolls in in cowboy boots with a cowboy hat and says, okay i'm gonna help you do this business

[00:37:04] And I say hey, mr. Silent partner man. Here's the thing. I don't ever want this business to produce these grills in china

[00:37:13] Yes. Yes

[00:37:14] Precisely, they'll ruin my brand. They'll ruin my reputation

[00:37:18] See, that's exactly right. They also I don't know if this is the case

[00:37:23] I'm gonna have to check but they also might you know

[00:37:25] When you're retired you're all of a sudden gonna have a lot of like time at home

[00:37:29] And you probably hate your wife at that point in your life

[00:37:32] So, I don't know if they can sort of like deal with that for you

[00:37:37] Oh silently I see what you're saying it's it's a possibility. That's all i'm saying

[00:37:44] Well

[00:37:46] i'm not saying that silent partners will

[00:37:50] Take your wife on a long road trip to upstate to drop her off into the field. But

[00:37:57] What i'm saying is they probably do and you would never know

[00:38:02] No, you'd help set that set it up

[00:38:04] You'd tell them like her like daily routine so they could grab her

[00:38:07] You know throw the bag over her head coming out of the stop and shop or whatever

[00:38:10] But it's never coming back to you is what you're saying

[00:38:14] That's silent partners. That's silent partners

[00:38:17] But let's just clear this with them to make sure that's one of the services they may offer

[00:38:22] You know what?

[00:38:24] When you have a sponsor you don't want to maybe suggest that they murder people on the side

[00:38:30] I don't know how the sponsorship game works man. It's silent partners

[00:38:37] I hope you bastards feel like you got your 150 dollars worth taking the loneliness

[00:38:42] out of leadership

[00:38:44] the antidote

[00:38:45] for loneliness in leadership

[00:38:48] One housewife at a time

[00:38:50] I don't know if you saw this

[00:38:55] In germany germany is considering a ban. There's this uh far right political party

[00:39:01] Political party uh alternative for germany or afd. Okay, and apparently they're um

[00:39:08] Their sort of big platform piece is that they want to have like incredible mass

[00:39:15] deportation

[00:39:17] Where they're they're just going to round up uh immigrants in the country because that's that's been a big topic of

[00:39:24] Debate over there in the last 10 12 years ever since angela merkel open great job angela

[00:39:30] Yeah, come on in everybody

[00:39:32] And so there's this sort of big debate that that germany

[00:39:38] might um

[00:39:39] Might be just doing uh mass deportations. Yes

[00:39:42] or uh

[00:39:44] re-immigration

[00:39:47] Re-immigration de-immigration or re-immigration. It's remigration

[00:39:51] ation and

[00:39:53] remigration

[00:39:54] Remigration the removal of millions of asylum seekers or the non-assimilated

[00:39:59] Yeah, and I don't know if I told you this but I I have worked with afd

[00:40:04] Oh you so you have worked with afd. So that's great. So I mean gosh, there's so many questions about this. How do you

[00:40:11] Get them out of the country. How do you round them up germany?

[00:40:15] Um, you know has a bad reputation

[00:40:18] for uh

[00:40:19] relocating people

[00:40:22] You know, they had they got a black eye in the past. They did it all wrong

[00:40:26] Little boo-boo little boo-boo black eye and they you know, they did it all wrong and people

[00:40:31] uh

[00:40:32] They have to hold themselves to a higher standard. Yeah. Good. Well, what's the right way to do with them?

[00:40:37] So you have these folks they haven't assimilated or they're there illegally or on fake asylum claims, whatever

[00:40:43] They're just trying to take advantage of your country and and they're not really helping and things are kind of

[00:40:49] Bad and getting out of control and you have to relocate them

[00:40:52] Okay now

[00:40:54] We know

[00:40:55] We can't put them on a train

[00:40:59] It does make the most economic sense

[00:41:02] Logistically, we europe has fantastic rail networks

[00:41:06] Uh, so we really could do that, but we know as germans

[00:41:11] We can't put them on a train

[00:41:13] It just the optics are terrible. Yeah, can't do it

[00:41:17] I see that

[00:41:19] So we thought okay

[00:41:21] What can we do?

[00:41:23] And then we thought

[00:41:26] A brilliant idea

[00:41:29] We're going to have a massive soapbox derby and it's basically a race

[00:41:39] Uh, you bring your own soapbox

[00:41:42] Wheels

[00:41:43] Steering wheel and we have a very the highway system will be shut down for the day

[00:41:49] Okay, and we'll rely on a strong incline to keep the momentum going

[00:41:55] And basically all the participants will soapbox themselves

[00:41:58] out of the country

[00:42:02] And then once they've crossed the finish line or what we call the border

[00:42:07] We say thank you very much

[00:42:09] And we just put up the no no. Thank you sign all full

[00:42:12] So the reason this is brilliant

[00:42:15] Is because they're they're self-deporting

[00:42:19] self-re-migrating

[00:42:21] Right

[00:42:22] Self-re-migrating

[00:42:24] And that's the word they're self-re-migrating

[00:42:27] And on top of that they've provided the soapbox for the soapbox derby. So they've done it at their own expense

[00:42:34] Using a cardboard box or a plastic tub, whatever it takes and some wheels of an infidel

[00:42:41] Yeah, the bone infidel bones

[00:42:43] And you know and it's it's going to be fun for the whole family and then thank you very much

[00:42:50] It's a pretty good idea. So why

[00:42:53] Why dome them before that move though?

[00:42:58] Well, you gotta you don't have to we can cut that part out

[00:43:05] Okay, okay

[00:43:08] Fine so I they uh, they they take a they soapbox themselves like to turkey. Is that the neighboring?

[00:43:14] ideally

[00:43:16] They're more comfortable there

[00:43:19] sure

[00:43:21] There's more halal food

[00:43:23] It's boarded with some really great other countries like syria

[00:43:28] And so there's just a lot more opportunities there for them to re-migrate

[00:43:34] Is there concern that they might go the wrong direction and all of a sudden, um, you've got

[00:43:41] 300 000 um

[00:43:42] middle eastern soapboxers in luxembourg

[00:43:46] Yeah, and luxembourg being very small is about 24 square miles. They would have a serious problem with that

[00:43:52] Which is why luxembourg has built a wall because they're only 24 square miles

[00:43:57] Yes, so it's not a big ad that's that's a weekend project

[00:44:00] It was done pretty quickly and i'll tell you every luxembourgois

[00:44:04] Was out there with pitchforks and shovels helping to build that thing

[00:44:08] Not sure a pitchfork helps I feel like that's more of a

[00:44:12] old-fashioned

[00:44:13] That mob, I think it's a mob. Yeah. Well, that's those are the ones kind of fending off as the wall's being built. I

[00:44:21] So it's just don't get any ideas you're not coming to luxembourg meanwhile the other guy's shoveling like crazy

[00:44:30] Okay, I guess I guess that all makes sense I was in luxembourg once I believe that

[00:44:37] What's that what's your one takeaway, uh from your time in luxembourg? Well, I was with a few gentlemen from the youth hostel

[00:44:44] Mm-hmm, and we were sitting at a bar and looking at this long this person with long blonde hair and very tight jeans

[00:44:52] And admiring her bum

[00:44:55] and then

[00:44:58] Uh, she turned around and it was a gentleman with a mustache

[00:45:01] Is that true? Yes just happened to have very long blonde hair

[00:45:05] Tight jeans and a mustache and obviously the question on everyone's mind before we finish the bed is how was he in bed?

[00:45:12] I mean, you haven't lived until you've had a mustache job

[00:45:19] Yeah

[00:45:20] I it's i'm fine. I I think i'm fine not living

[00:45:24] That's what norman jewison just said

[00:45:29] Um, yeah, you happy with what you've done silent partners

[00:45:33] The choices you've made okay, so that makes sense a mustache job from that fine. Uh, the fine

[00:45:39] Sexy fella. Yeah, uh, okay. So the boxcars that's that's great. So

[00:45:45] Uh, certainly there's got to be like a backup plan

[00:45:49] uh to to sort of

[00:45:52] How to um again how to how to round them up i'm i'm, you know, it's it's got to be difficult to

[00:45:59] Entice people to all sort of follow you to sort of be the pied piper of illegal immigrants

[00:46:04] You know, have you guys bandied about any other ideas to to get to get uh the illegal immigrants in germany to to follow

[00:46:11] Yeah, uh, we've got a white horse

[00:46:15] Uh, we're gonna put wings on it and a gentleman with a big long beard

[00:46:22] And uh, we're just he's gonna ride through the streets

[00:46:26] And um, it'd be like lady godiva, but it's muhammad

[00:46:30] And and then he's just gonna keep galloping who does slow trot but you know, hopefully the idea is to build up a following

[00:46:38] a large following

[00:46:41] And just try to and he wants to lead them to the holy land, which is actually istanbul

[00:46:47] That's great

[00:46:49] Uh, so where do you find this guy?

[00:46:52] Uh, he's a he escaped in isis prison

[00:46:58] but it was

[00:47:00] and instead of

[00:47:03] Capturing him and sending him back to prison. You decided to give him a winged horse and uh,

[00:47:08] Do a civic duty for the country of germany? Yeah, he's really kind of, you know lived up to it, too

[00:47:13] He's up to the task. We told him he's the chosen one

[00:47:17] And he just needs to leave lead his followers now to to istanbul

[00:47:21] Okay, formerly constantinople

[00:47:25] Sounds sounds like a kind of kind of a good song

[00:47:29] Could be

[00:47:31] So, um, obviously the question in everyone's mind is how is that guy in bed?

[00:47:38] Um, I mean I couldn't stop screaming ala akbar cool that sounds sounds like a fun afternoon god, he's great

[00:47:54] Well, that's all the time we have for today's episode of uh questionable material or comedy jihad, I hope everyone enjoyed the show

[00:48:02] I did

[00:48:04] That's not that's not my top priority of sort of everyone else I hope enjoyed it silent partners

[00:48:11] silent partners

[00:48:13] Hey conservative guys looking for a swell time. You're not alone

[00:48:19] I need someone to talk to

[00:48:21] Maybe it's you

[00:48:23] Buttoned up girls want to have a good time

[00:48:27] You wouldn't have any regulations if you build a small business

[00:48:31] on top of me

[00:48:34] Share the night and learn all her intimate secrets in separate twin beds

[00:48:39] Ooh

[00:48:40] Pray harder

[00:48:42] pray harder

[00:48:44] Don't be shy

[00:48:46] Get to know someone who thinks and feels like you do

[00:48:52] I'm so sick

[00:48:54] But i'm not gonna get health insurance just because the government says I have to

[00:49:00] Conservative chat. What are you waiting for?

[00:49:02] Only 4.99 a minute unless you make more than a hundred thousand dollars a year

[00:49:07] And then we're giving it to you for 3.99

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[00:49:19] questionable material with jack and brian subscribe on any podcast platform visit us at qmpodcast.com