Follow Me on Only Bums

[00:00:00] Jack Brian, wait a minute, Brian? Brian, that's my name. Brian is me. Wait a minute. Is this Brian Sack? Are we doing a podcast? We are doing a podcast. Yeah, here's the thing, Jack. What? We are, it's called Slowmentum. It's called Slowmentum. You build it up and then you disappear. And then you build it up and disappear, build it up and disappear. People love that. Do they? Keep some, yeah, I think so. I don't, I mean, I'm no Chris Balfe, like master marketer person. Yeah.

[00:00:30] But I think that they enjoy that. Okay. I mean, it's, it's funny that the numbers would reflect maybe that they don't love it. Well, you got to get them back into it. With Slowmentum. What I taught, well, I talked to somebody and they said, well, how often do you do your podcast? They said, well, usually weekly until it's not weekly. And they said, and then when it's not weekly and they, well, I don't know. And then like, well, you kind of got to be consistent. People like consistent.

[00:00:59] Consistency. Makes me wish we had a good show this week. Well, I can't help you with that, Jack. I haven't had enough time. I mean, it seems like you could help me make this show better today. Well, I'm going to try. Okay. I have great news. I love great news. You know, it's hard getting sponsors for a podcast when that podcast, you know, vanishes for periods of time for no reason. Yeah.

[00:01:25] Or maybe because there's a hurricane or flood or something happened. I don't know. Yeah. A lot of sponsors like, well, we'd like more continuity, more reliability. Yeah. You know, you don't even respond to emails. People like, I'd like to sponsor your podcast. We're like, no, not going to reply. Not going to get back to you. Uh-huh. But, um, I got us a sponsor. Holy cow.

[00:01:45] A lot of sponsors like testimonials. You know, you listen to podcasts and they have the testimonial. Like, I love this soap. I rub, you know, it's a great soap and blah, blah, blah. My favorite, this, my pet loves this. So, uh, that's what we've got a testimonial.

[00:01:57] Okay. So I just sent you a script, uh, for Paraguard. That is a new sponsor of ours. Just got to give them this very, you know, we said, I said one read for free. We'll give them one free read. And this is kind of like an audition for the, for the future. Just got to be professional. Really sell it. You are the Paraguard spokesman.

[00:02:17] It's exciting. I just opened this email. I have never read this before in my life.

[00:02:23] Take it away, please.

[00:02:24] Okay.

[00:02:24] Let's get this sponsor money.

[00:02:26] So as long as I read it, we're getting the money guaranteed.

[00:02:29] If you're professional about it and, and, and, and sell the product. Yes.

[00:02:33] Count me down.

[00:02:34] Three, two, one.

[00:02:36] Hey, Jack Helmuth here from questionable material with Jack and Brian.

[00:02:41] I wanted to give a shout out to our newest sponsor Paraguard.

[00:02:45] For as long as I can remember, I've been a huge fan of Paraguard and their high quality intrauterine devices.

[00:02:51] Now I know there are several IUDs on the market, but Paraguard is a sperm shattering class by itself.

[00:03:00] Only Paraguard has the patented copper coil that produces an inflammatory reaction in my uterus.

[00:03:15] That inflammation treats sperm like a black couple trying to move into a suburban Massachusetts neighborhood in 1958.

[00:03:22] My dad always swore by Paraguard intrauterine devices.

[00:03:26] And he swore at them too, because he was a paranoid schizophrenic and thought they were talking to him.

[00:03:32] For the record, I know that Paraguard intrauterine devices don't speak.

[00:03:37] They just wag their little copper fingers at sperm and say, no, no, no.

[00:03:41] You keep moving.

[00:03:42] Mr. Seaman.

[00:03:43] You're not parking here.

[00:03:44] No way.

[00:03:45] No how.

[00:03:46] Now get, you squiggly demon.

[00:03:50] Regular listeners to questionable material with Jack and Brian know that I, Jack, have three kids, two of whom I love dearly.

[00:03:59] So they may be wondering if Paraguard intrauterine devices have a failure rate.

[00:04:03] Well, the answer is no.

[00:04:05] When my wife and I decided we wanted to have kids, I simply took the Paraguard intrauterine device out of my bum and led it up to nature to do the rest.

[00:04:16] Take it from me, Jack Helmuth.

[00:04:18] Paraguard is the finest IUD you're going to get for your money.

[00:04:21] And as a longtime user and fan, you have my word.

[00:04:26] If your insurance company doesn't reimburse you for any reason, I will kill Prince Harry.

[00:04:34] Shoot.

[00:04:35] Wait, I think I could get in a lot of trouble for saying that.

[00:04:39] No, not these days.

[00:04:41] You know what?

[00:04:41] That's a good, that's a fair point.

[00:04:44] Although I did get kicked off of Reddit for three days for saying that Alvin Bragg, the district attorney for Manhattan, should fall down a flight of stairs.

[00:04:53] Too violent for Reddit.

[00:04:55] Too violent for Reddit?

[00:04:56] That's cesspool?

[00:04:57] Like, and this was in a thread of people like cheering on the CEO killer, like he's some kind of hero.

[00:05:03] Wow.

[00:05:05] Yeah.

[00:05:06] Well, Brian, I guess, I guess that I, Jack Helmuth, blew the chance for us to get Paraguard, high quality intrauterine devices as a sponsor.

[00:05:16] That's too bad because, you know, they, they got a lot of money, those, those medical companies.

[00:05:21] I mean, they're in a sperm shattering class by themselves.

[00:05:23] They are, but that's too bad because testimonials really need to be, you know, people need to believe.

[00:05:29] And I don't think I, you know, if you're breaking into laughter in the middle of that, nobody's going to buy that.

[00:05:33] Well, when you call a sperm, a squiggly demon, it's sort of as hard not to maybe change the tone of your voice a little.

[00:05:40] No, just, if you were more, just more polishes, I guess it was what it's too bad.

[00:05:45] It's too bad.

[00:05:46] That's fine.

[00:05:46] Well, you just got kicked off of my Reddit for hate speaking to me.

[00:05:50] I'm sorry.

[00:05:51] I'm going to take it to blue sky.

[00:05:53] If they'll have me.

[00:05:53] Those cowards.

[00:06:01] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack.

[00:06:13] QMPodcast.com.

[00:06:17] Brian.

[00:06:19] Jackaroo.

[00:06:20] We're back.

[00:06:20] Jack, it's Christmas time, 2024.

[00:06:22] And we're recording at a time that we will also release our show.

[00:06:26] That's right, Jack.

[00:06:28] I intend to no longer delay the release of a show forever.

[00:06:32] Great.

[00:06:32] And I promise that once you finally get around to sending me the files that I need to edit the show, that I'll do it in a more timely manner.

[00:06:41] Fantastic, Jack, because we got a lot of people asking.

[00:06:43] Yes, we sure do.

[00:06:44] And guess what?

[00:06:45] What happened?

[00:06:45] Yeah.

[00:06:46] What happened?

[00:06:46] Yep.

[00:06:46] Would you guys, are you dead?

[00:06:48] Please come back.

[00:06:49] I had a, I was in Virginia for work this week.

[00:06:53] Actually, just on one.

[00:06:54] So two days ago.

[00:06:55] And I had a gentleman in a meeting I was in lean over to me and say, hey, when are you going to come out with a new episode of your podcast?

[00:07:02] Oh, no.

[00:07:03] And I was very flattered that, you know, it's like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you listened.

[00:07:07] And I said, actually, there's a new one that just came out that we recorded like two and a half months ago.

[00:07:11] And he checked his phone.

[00:07:12] He's like, yep, there it is.

[00:07:13] I can't wait to listen.

[00:07:14] Well, that's great.

[00:07:15] And he's, yeah, I had a guy asked me, I was working with and he's like, he's like, God, you should have a podcast.

[00:07:20] I'm like, actually, I do.

[00:07:21] And he's like, really?

[00:07:22] What is it?

[00:07:22] I'm like, I haven't updated in a while.

[00:07:24] Sorry.

[00:07:24] Well, we're back now, baby.

[00:07:26] So.

[00:07:26] Yeah, that's right, Jack.

[00:07:27] Tell me.

[00:07:28] I mean, gosh, there's so much to catch up on.

[00:07:29] I mean, we have missed some substantial things.

[00:07:32] We missed the entire lead up to the election.

[00:07:34] We missed the election.

[00:07:36] We missed, you know, the CEO of UnitedHealthcare being assassinated on the streets by a real hero.

[00:07:45] Handsome hero, right?

[00:07:47] Yeah.

[00:07:47] Because that's the kind of world you want to live in, where people just decide they're going to assassinate the heads of companies.

[00:07:55] Because he makes too much money.

[00:07:56] He makes too, he got $15 million.

[00:07:59] I'll never get $15 million.

[00:08:01] He's got to die.

[00:08:03] The best part about that whole thing, Jack.

[00:08:05] Yep.

[00:08:05] Is that the gentleman who was murdered on the sidewalk.

[00:08:08] I actually, I was on that sidewalk the following day.

[00:08:11] Oh.

[00:08:12] Yeah.

[00:08:12] It was what?

[00:08:13] 54th Street.

[00:08:14] That gentleman who was murdered was like, he's basically, you know, a classic American success story.

[00:08:19] Yes.

[00:08:19] And it came from nothing and made it.

[00:08:21] And the guy who killed him was the classic spoiled rich kid story.

[00:08:24] Yes.

[00:08:25] So, I mean, it's got to be really hard for the people rooting for the murder because they had this idea of who the murderer was and some like left wing hero.

[00:08:35] And then it turns out, no, he's not left wing and he's kind of crazy and also a rich spoiled kid.

[00:08:41] Just got to be a mess.

[00:08:42] But boy, is he fine.

[00:08:45] He's a hottie.

[00:08:46] Well, he's going to make somebody happy in prison forever.

[00:08:49] Exactly.

[00:08:49] Exactly.

[00:08:51] Oh, my God.

[00:08:52] My favorite.

[00:08:52] The Reddit discourse is now, it's like, how is there, you know, how can we get the jury to, to find him not guilty?

[00:08:58] Lord.

[00:08:59] Yeah.

[00:09:00] People are crazy.

[00:09:01] They're crazy.

[00:09:02] You think his back was shattered before?

[00:09:04] Try his rectum in about two years.

[00:09:07] Rectum?

[00:09:07] I hardly knew.

[00:09:08] Woohoo!

[00:09:09] Yeah, that's, it's amazing.

[00:09:11] Yeah, there's like, like they're raising a bunch of money online for his criminal defense.

[00:09:16] Sure.

[00:09:17] Money well spent.

[00:09:18] That's like subscribing to Taylor Lawrence.

[00:09:20] Sub stack.

[00:09:21] I mean, there's a video of him shooting the guy in the back.

[00:09:26] Like.

[00:09:27] Yeah.

[00:09:27] Hero.

[00:09:28] I mean, if the jury deliberates more than four minutes, there's a problem.

[00:09:33] Yeah.

[00:09:34] Very, very odd.

[00:09:35] Yeah.

[00:09:36] Oh, yeah.

[00:09:36] So much happened.

[00:09:37] There's been just so much happening.

[00:09:39] So much has been happening.

[00:09:40] The Daniel Perry thing.

[00:09:40] Yep.

[00:09:41] Daniel Perry.

[00:09:41] But just to put a button on the UnitedHealthcare murderer, there was, oh, I saw AOC today or yesterday say that denying a healthcare claim is a form of violence.

[00:09:54] Of course.

[00:09:55] Oh, my God.

[00:09:56] If words can be, what, you know, what isn't?

[00:09:58] Violence is not violence.

[00:10:00] What is wrong with these people?

[00:10:02] They're mental.

[00:10:03] They are.

[00:10:04] They are mental.

[00:10:04] And they're not smart.

[00:10:05] That's the problem.

[00:10:06] They're not really thinkers.

[00:10:08] Yeah.

[00:10:08] No, they're not.

[00:10:09] Not a lot of nuance when you're a big dummy.

[00:10:11] Nope.

[00:10:12] It's all black and white.

[00:10:13] All black and white.

[00:10:14] Now, it's so funny because you were just bringing up the Daniel Perry case.

[00:10:18] Yep.

[00:10:19] I know the city contracted you right after the trial to have you come up with some ideas to deal with the homeless problem in one way or another on the New York Metropolitan Transit Association rails.

[00:10:35] Yes.

[00:10:35] On subways and trains and buses.

[00:10:38] Yep.

[00:10:38] And they brought you on as the project lead.

[00:10:41] I was just wondering if you want to share some of your ideas to deal with homeless in your own unique ways on subways.

[00:10:46] Yeah.

[00:10:47] So, I proposed this at the last city council meeting and I got a standing ovation from Eric Adams, the mayor.

[00:10:54] Oh, great.

[00:10:54] Of New York City, who might become a Republican, I guess.

[00:10:58] Things are going that well for him.

[00:10:59] Uh-huh.

[00:11:00] But so, yeah.

[00:11:01] So, my idea was re-migration helpers.

[00:11:04] Re-migration helpers.

[00:11:06] That sounds fun.

[00:11:07] So, what we saw, as you know, like New York is filled with maybe about 500, 600,000 folks who came from other places than the United States.

[00:11:18] And there's kind of some issues with regard to, say, Venezuelan gangs and things.

[00:11:23] So, we'd like to maybe not have them there anymore.

[00:11:28] Okay.

[00:11:29] So, my proposal was we're going to hire homeless people.

[00:11:33] Because homeless people are clearly only homeless because they don't have jobs.

[00:11:37] That's right.

[00:11:37] Because of capitalism.

[00:11:38] That's right.

[00:11:39] Capitalism failed them.

[00:11:41] And so, what we're going to do is we're going to pay them to escort the people back to their homes.

[00:11:47] Oh.

[00:11:47] And then, when they've dropped the people off back in Honduras or Togo or Guatemala or Venezuela or Benin or Sierra Leone, then we're going to revoke their passports.

[00:12:08] So, we're just going to strand homeless people at the world's airports?

[00:12:13] No, no, no.

[00:12:13] We're going to pay them handsomely in American dollars.

[00:12:16] Okay.

[00:12:16] And when they are relocated to, say, Sierra Leone.

[00:12:19] Yep.

[00:12:19] And they find out that they have no choice but to live there, they will have significant assets from having been employed by the New York City migrant relocation folks.

[00:12:30] It's not a bad idea.

[00:12:32] That's exactly what Eric Adams said in a photo op.

[00:12:35] Right.

[00:12:38] Now, it's funny that you brought up the Venezuelan gangs because you specifically had a proposal that you think could completely reshape gang culture and gang life in New York City and maybe even across the country if this pilot program takes off.

[00:12:50] What was your idea to deal with these Venezuelan gangs?

[00:12:53] Well, so, are you familiar with the New York Mets?

[00:12:56] The New York Metropolitan Baseball Team.

[00:12:58] Yes.

[00:12:58] Yes.

[00:12:59] They're not great, right?

[00:13:00] Not really.

[00:13:01] They just had a big free agent signing that could change their franchise forever.

[00:13:05] But, no, right now they certainly are not.

[00:13:07] So, I said, listen, you got this stadium there.

[00:13:10] Yep.

[00:13:10] Right?

[00:13:11] You got this ball team playing there.

[00:13:13] They're not making anybody happy.

[00:13:14] Yeah, that's true.

[00:13:15] Let's take, you know, the taxpayers paid for this stadium anyway.

[00:13:17] So, let's take it over.

[00:13:18] Hmm.

[00:13:20] And create the ganger games.

[00:13:24] And so, what the ganger games is, is you invite gangs from all over.

[00:13:29] Right.

[00:13:29] You know, all the ones that have migrated from all the various places in the world who now reside in various places in the United States.

[00:13:34] They are, you bring them into the ganger games.

[00:13:37] Love it.

[00:13:39] And you're going to do like teams of maybe 30 people of each kind of gang.

[00:13:45] And then you equip them, you line them up around the outside of the, you know, right in the periphery of the baseball field.

[00:13:53] Yep.

[00:13:53] And in the middle of the field on the pitcher's mound are a variety of instruments.

[00:13:59] Some blunts, some with edges, you know, just various things.

[00:14:03] And then you have Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish blow a whistle.

[00:14:10] Okay.

[00:14:11] So, Darius Rucker blows a whistle.

[00:14:12] Darius Rucker blows a whistle.

[00:14:14] And that signifies the beginning of the ganger games.

[00:14:17] Okay.

[00:14:18] And that's when everybody just dashes towards the pitcher mound and all hell breaks loose.

[00:14:23] And then whoever's left, that one person is left, they are granted citizenship.

[00:14:31] That's their reward.

[00:14:33] Their reward is for their accomplishments in helping us rid the country of bad guys is that they get to be a citizen.

[00:14:42] But they have to sign an affidavit that they will be law abiding from this point onward.

[00:14:49] Fair.

[00:14:49] And President Biden will pardon them for anything they ever did from now until the beginning of time.

[00:14:56] Okay.

[00:14:56] Wow.

[00:14:57] That should be easy to get.

[00:14:59] Yeah.

[00:14:59] Well, you just put it in front of him.

[00:15:00] He'll sign it.

[00:15:01] That's a really good idea.

[00:15:03] Yeah.

[00:15:04] So, I mean, a couple of questions about this.

[00:15:06] One, I know in your pilot program where you did this, I know you had a small scale thing at a minor league stadium.

[00:15:13] What happened to Hootie during the test run?

[00:15:18] Well, we didn't tell Hootie what the Ganger Games was about.

[00:15:22] And, you know, I don't know if you know him.

[00:15:24] He's a very nice guy.

[00:15:25] He's a very friendly.

[00:15:26] He broke my toilet once in Atlanta.

[00:15:30] And he didn't break it.

[00:15:32] He just clogged it and then left.

[00:15:33] But that's okay.

[00:15:34] I forgive him for that.

[00:15:35] So, he took a big fat Hootie and couldn't flush it down all the way.

[00:15:38] And blew out of there.

[00:15:39] Yeah.

[00:15:39] Jeez.

[00:15:40] So, that's where Blowfish comes from.

[00:15:43] So, he took off, stuck me with a clogged toilet.

[00:15:46] Yep.

[00:15:47] And, but, so, he's a good guy.

[00:15:48] I know he's a nice guy.

[00:15:50] Got a good heart.

[00:15:51] So, he was absolutely devastated.

[00:15:53] Yeah.

[00:15:54] To see this kind of bloodshed.

[00:15:56] Oh, man.

[00:15:57] And he just kept screaming about, what are these Latinx people doing?

[00:16:01] And I was just like, Darius, it's just Latino.

[00:16:03] Just stop.

[00:16:04] Right.

[00:16:05] He was trying to be inclusive.

[00:16:06] Yeah.

[00:16:07] His heart's in the right place.

[00:16:08] But he was in tears.

[00:16:09] His heart was in the right place.

[00:16:10] He was freaking out.

[00:16:11] He didn't really.

[00:16:17] And he was, he was just very upset.

[00:16:20] He has not, he has not spoken to any of us since then.

[00:16:23] Well, is that because, and I heard rumors and it seems like you're trying to duck it,

[00:16:27] but I hear, I hear he didn't make it out.

[00:16:30] And that his heart may in fact now be in the wrong place.

[00:16:35] Yep.

[00:16:35] I mean, that's one of the reasons why they canceled the, the, the tour.

[00:16:39] Uh-huh.

[00:16:40] It's because Hootie and the Blowfish, you know, they're just like the Blowfish.

[00:16:43] Uh-huh.

[00:16:45] Yeah.

[00:16:45] No one wants to see them.

[00:16:46] No, it's just the Blowfish featuring a hologram.

[00:16:50] So, so Hootie, Hootie didn't make it out?

[00:16:55] He did not make it out of the Ganger games.

[00:16:58] Okay.

[00:16:58] And so his heart was in the wrong place in what way?

[00:17:02] Well, it was actually repatriated to Venezuela by a homeless gentleman who now can't come back.

[00:17:10] Uh-huh.

[00:17:11] Well, I mean, at least he's got a souvenir.

[00:17:14] He sure does.

[00:17:15] And a lot of, he's living quite nicely.

[00:17:18] He's got, he's, he, I mean, I've been an email correspondence with him and he's got a three bedroom villa in the, in the mountains of Venezuela.

[00:17:24] And, uh, you know, he said he's aside from the heart and the mantle, um, everything's great.

[00:17:30] Well, what's this fella's name?

[00:17:33] Herbert.

[00:17:37] All right.

[00:17:37] Well, I think, well, I'm excited that you made a new friend.

[00:17:40] You know, a lot of people are, are homeless because capitalism failed them.

[00:17:44] That's right.

[00:17:45] We're told, but Herbert was homeless because he was given a terrible name by his parents.

[00:17:50] Oh yeah.

[00:17:51] A lot of that stuff does start at home.

[00:17:53] Right out of the gate.

[00:17:54] Yeah.

[00:17:55] So that's how we deal with the gangs.

[00:17:57] But I know that, you know, you had some sort of plan that really sort of preyed on, on homeless people's, um, you know, sort of desire to, uh, expose themselves in public.

[00:18:10] And you were sort of really playing on some sort of trap in that way to sort of, you know, get them all cornered and, and get rid of them in some way.

[00:18:17] Can you just sort of relay us that idea?

[00:18:20] Well, I, I started, uh, it was called only bums.

[00:18:26] Uh, it was a domain.

[00:18:28] It had previously, uh, been kind of like a, a gay camera app.

[00:18:31] Yep.

[00:18:32] And I took it over.

[00:18:35] Different kind of bums.

[00:18:37] I think.

[00:18:37] That's the domain expired.

[00:18:39] I just got right in there.

[00:18:40] Great.

[00:18:41] And nabbed it.

[00:18:42] Which, which, which is the, the, the old tagline for only bums.

[00:18:46] Just, just get right in there.

[00:18:47] And nab it.

[00:18:48] Yeah.

[00:18:48] Okay.

[00:18:48] Go on.

[00:18:49] And nab it.

[00:18:49] So I got right in there and I, I picked it up and I started basically.

[00:18:53] It's like, it's an only fans for, uh, homeless schizophrenics who keep exposing themselves.

[00:18:59] Okay, great.

[00:19:00] And so it's a subscriber model and you basically subscribe and, you know, um, you're, you're

[00:19:06] subscribing to kind of like a, a, an area of Manhattan.

[00:19:09] Cause we, it's, these guys are really hard to track down.

[00:19:12] I mean, you know, Willie, what's his name with, you know, whose penis is hanging out at 46 and

[00:19:16] third.

[00:19:17] Uh, he's not always there.

[00:19:19] Yep.

[00:19:20] So you can't really say, oh, you want to subscribe to Willie.

[00:19:22] So you're just subscribing to that area of Manhattan.

[00:19:24] I see.

[00:19:25] And so, and something, it makes it an invention because, you know, you never know who's going

[00:19:29] to be exposing themselves or defecating on the sidewalk or leaning up against a Starbucks

[00:19:32] and peeing on it.

[00:19:33] Like my son saw when he was 11.

[00:19:35] Sure.

[00:19:36] He turned to me and said, yes, I won't forget that.

[00:19:40] God.

[00:19:42] He said that at 11.

[00:19:44] He did.

[00:19:45] We're, we're walking down the sidewalk and this lady just backed up against the Starbucks

[00:19:49] and peed.

[00:19:50] So only bombs.

[00:19:51] Okay.

[00:19:51] I think it's a, I think that's a good idea.

[00:19:53] Thank you.

[00:19:54] Yeah.

[00:19:54] That's great.

[00:19:55] I do too.

[00:19:55] Anything to raise money for the city, Jack, the city is in dire financial straits.

[00:20:00] Sure is.

[00:20:01] That sanctuary city business costs a lot of money.

[00:20:03] Didn't expect that.

[00:20:04] No.

[00:20:05] Who could have seen that coming?

[00:20:06] Didn't expect to be taken up on it.

[00:20:07] Nope.

[00:20:07] Yeah.

[00:20:08] Yeah, exactly.

[00:20:09] Just thought we were signaling.

[00:20:10] And last thing.

[00:20:11] Yeah, exactly.

[00:20:12] Last thing.

[00:20:14] I know, I know you had some sort of food program for the homeless as a way to get them

[00:20:19] out of the city.

[00:20:20] What was that idea?

[00:20:22] It was called biscuits in the Bronx.

[00:20:24] Oh, okay.

[00:20:26] And we told everybody there's a huge mountain of biscuits.

[00:20:28] Wow.

[00:20:29] In the North Bronx.

[00:20:31] And to just, you know, if you made your way there, you could have as many biscuits

[00:20:34] as you want.

[00:20:35] Oh my God.

[00:20:36] I'm going to the North Bronx.

[00:20:38] Yeah.

[00:20:39] And that's what they all did.

[00:20:40] Okay, great.

[00:20:42] Then what happened when they got there?

[00:20:44] We declared that they were a gang.

[00:20:48] Just these poor, these poor individuals just looking for biscuits.

[00:20:52] Yeah.

[00:20:53] And they performed really poorly in the Ganger games.

[00:20:57] Well, probably because they weren't violent and were somewhat confused.

[00:21:01] Yeah.

[00:21:01] So they were their first to go down.

[00:21:04] Herbert must have had a field day.

[00:21:06] A lot of the audience, when they were spectating this, except for, of course, Darius, who was

[00:21:10] just in tears, when they were spectating this, you know, they, they, at first they thought

[00:21:15] like, well, this is, this is really unfair.

[00:21:17] Like why are, why are all these Latinx people teaming up on, on the homeless?

[00:21:22] But it's just because they were the weakest link.

[00:21:23] Right.

[00:21:23] They had to go first.

[00:21:26] I mean, you, you cannot argue with compassionate strategies like you've put forth, Brian.

[00:21:31] Thank you for your leadership.

[00:21:33] Thank you, Jack, for your service.

[00:21:34] You're, you're welcome.

[00:21:36] Strange response.

[00:21:40] Hey, Brian.

[00:21:41] Jack.

[00:21:42] You know, what's funny is we improvise these, you know, crazy bits and everything.

[00:21:48] And within the bits are these nuggets of truth.

[00:21:52] Yeah.

[00:21:53] I know it's true that Darius Rucker really did take a toilet clogging dump in your radio

[00:21:58] station in Atlanta.

[00:21:59] Is that right?

[00:22:00] It wasn't a radio station.

[00:22:01] It was my house.

[00:22:02] Is that, is that true?

[00:22:03] Yeah.

[00:22:04] See, this is, this is what's crazy is that these weird nuggets of truth that seem improvised

[00:22:08] are actually not.

[00:22:10] So very quickly tell us the real story.

[00:22:12] And this again is actually real of Darius Rucker coming to your house and taking a dump.

[00:22:16] My, uh, cause my friend was house sitting.

[00:22:19] Okay.

[00:22:19] And she was in the music business.

[00:22:21] Okay.

[00:22:21] I was out of town.

[00:22:22] She was in the music business and she was house sitting and she knew Darius and he came

[00:22:26] over the house and, and she told me when I got, you know, I wasn't there and I got,

[00:22:31] I came back from my trip.

[00:22:32] She's like, oh, just, uh, you might think this is funny, but Darius Rucker, uh, clogged

[00:22:37] your toilet and stuck me with it.

[00:22:39] I'm like, oh, I do find that funny.

[00:22:40] I do find that funny as well.

[00:22:42] Yeah.

[00:22:43] Now was he there to have relations with your friend?

[00:22:48] I don't know what my, she actually wound up having relations with the Mr. Mayor.

[00:22:52] Oh, John Mayer.

[00:22:54] Yeah.

[00:22:55] So I don't, I don't know if she, I don't think so.

[00:22:57] I think she, she just knew him cause she worked size.

[00:23:00] She had something to do with a record label.

[00:23:01] I don't even remember anymore.

[00:23:02] Now, uh, to be fair to your friend in that era, John Mayer did sleep with one third of

[00:23:09] the women in this country.

[00:23:10] Uh, well he was, that was pre-fame.

[00:23:12] That was like, that was like a year or two before he really was on the scene.

[00:23:16] Got it.

[00:23:17] And then he moved on.

[00:23:19] From being a kind friend.

[00:23:22] And moved on in every way.

[00:23:26] Well, that's great.

[00:23:27] Well, again, uh, thank you for the true story.

[00:23:30] Thank you, Jack, for the true story.

[00:23:32] Brian, by any chance, cause I'm feeling bad.

[00:23:34] It's stuck in my head how poorly I did with our sponsor, um, Reed.

[00:23:38] By any chance, is there another opportunity for me?

[00:23:41] Yeah.

[00:23:42] I actually, I got, I had landed another sponsor.

[00:23:46] Great job, Brian.

[00:23:47] Uh, it's, it's another testimonial sponsor.

[00:23:49] It's just really important that you, you get that message out there and professionally,

[00:23:53] you know, and just, uh, and sell the product.

[00:23:56] Yes, I will.

[00:23:57] I promise.

[00:23:58] You know, they, that's all the sponsors want is they want their dollars to be spent, you

[00:24:02] know, convincing people that you use this Jack of questionable material uses my product.

[00:24:07] Great.

[00:24:08] That's what's important.

[00:24:09] Yep.

[00:24:10] Totally.

[00:24:10] Totally.

[00:24:11] I I'm here for it.

[00:24:12] So hopefully you'll get it.

[00:24:13] Cause I sent it to you seconds ago.

[00:24:15] I just got it.

[00:24:16] Look at this right here in my inbox.

[00:24:18] Let's hurry this up and start reading that thing.

[00:24:20] Don't proof it.

[00:24:20] Okay.

[00:24:21] Okay.

[00:24:21] Count me down.

[00:24:22] Three and a two.

[00:24:23] And do one.

[00:24:25] Hey, Jack Helmuth here from questionable material with Jack and Brian.

[00:24:30] Longtime listeners of the show know that I'm a bit of a hoarder when it comes to handbags.

[00:24:34] It's no exaggeration to say that way too much of my morning routine is spent deciding which

[00:24:40] handbag best matches my outfit.

[00:24:42] That's why I was absolutely above the moon when I heard that our podcast was going to be

[00:24:48] sponsored by the Carrie collective.

[00:24:51] The Carrie collective takes all the trouble out of deciding which handbag to take to work.

[00:24:56] How?

[00:24:57] By outsourcing the decision to a call center in Mumbai.

[00:25:00] There, 12 to 30 people compare my outfit with the photos of my handbag collection.

[00:25:06] Using a democratic process, they'll come to a decision on which one I should impress my

[00:25:11] coworkers with.

[00:25:12] Now I sashay into my libertarian think tank with the kind of confidence one gets when 12 to 30 people

[00:25:19] from a lesser country have weighed in on my wardrobe.

[00:25:22] And another reason I love the Carrie collection is that they keep those people from scamming old people out of gift cards,

[00:25:29] which is their default setting, according to my best friend, Edgar.

[00:25:34] So take my word for it.

[00:25:36] As a lover of handbags, the Carrie collective is the ultimate solution to that time-wasting

[00:25:42] morning handbag routine.

[00:25:44] Now, thanks to Indian people, I have extra time every morning to use scrunchies in my hair or to ask my wife how she slept.

[00:25:53] I also have a wheezy dog with rat eyes that Brian hates because it's not a real dog like his German shepherd.

[00:26:02] There's no way that the Carrie collective wants me to say that.

[00:26:06] I don't write these ads.

[00:26:07] This is the Carrie collective people.

[00:26:09] That's their ad agency.

[00:26:10] I don't know.

[00:26:11] You know, they're trying to connect with the audience.

[00:26:12] They want a human connection.

[00:26:14] You know, that's how, that's what sells their product, the Carrie collective.

[00:26:17] Just to prove that it's really me and that I'm sharing and being open and fun.

[00:26:21] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:26:22] It's a little slice of life like you were just talking about a second ago.

[00:26:25] Okay.

[00:26:26] Slice of life mixed in with the spiel.

[00:26:29] Okay.

[00:26:30] Okay.

[00:26:30] It's too bad because there was good money in handbag accessorizing things.

[00:26:38] Yeah, I guess so.

[00:26:39] And it's Carrie as in C-A-R-R-Y, the Carrie collective.

[00:26:42] That's right.

[00:26:43] Carrie collective.

[00:26:44] Well, shoot, Brian.

[00:26:45] It's poop.

[00:26:47] Yeah.

[00:26:47] Poop who?

[00:26:47] I wouldn't necessarily want my name associated with that, but that's all right.

[00:26:53] What can you do?

[00:26:54] Well, hopefully what I can do is end the show with a big win.

[00:26:58] We're going to hope.

[00:26:59] I don't know if I have another sponsor lined up.

[00:27:01] We'll see.

[00:27:01] All right.

[00:27:02] Stay tuned.

[00:27:03] Suspense, Jack.

[00:27:03] It's all about suspense.

[00:27:04] It's a cliffhanger.

[00:27:05] It's about suspense and slowmentum.

[00:27:13] So, Brian.

[00:27:15] Yeah.

[00:27:16] You know, I'm very excited.

[00:27:18] While you were away, your wife was texting me and she told me about this sort of exciting

[00:27:25] job opportunity that has come your way that you've accepted.

[00:27:28] Uh, apparently you're, you've gotten back into the ad game to create some Christmas content

[00:27:33] for known brands.

[00:27:35] Yep.

[00:27:36] Um, uh, you know, they, they called me Mr. Christmas back in the advertising days.

[00:27:39] Why did they call you that?

[00:27:41] Because I was born in October.

[00:27:44] So dumb.

[00:27:49] Um, well, that's great, Mr. Christmas.

[00:27:51] So would you mind just sort of tell us about some of the things you've got going on?

[00:27:55] No, sharing is caring.

[00:27:56] Well, that's great, Brian.

[00:27:57] I really appreciate that.

[00:27:58] Um, now you, uh, I know you were contracted by the grocery store Stop and Shop.

[00:28:04] Stop and Shop.

[00:28:05] Yep.

[00:28:06] Well, that's really exciting.

[00:28:07] I, I guess I do see some of their commercials that there's some seasonal appeal there to

[00:28:11] get, you know, your pies and stuff for your, your holiday meals, perhaps what, what sort

[00:28:16] of, um, what sort of a big idea did you bring to Stop and Shop to get people excited about

[00:28:20] them for the holidays?

[00:28:22] Well, um, so this guy is taking his family to his, his, his mother's house.

[00:28:29] Oh.

[00:28:29] So happy family's coming to see grandma.

[00:28:31] So grandma is going to be doing all the holiday cooking.

[00:28:34] Mm-hmm.

[00:28:34] Great.

[00:28:35] You know, the, the camera follows her through the Stop and Shop, but she's, she's buying

[00:28:39] all sorts of stuff.

[00:28:40] Yeah.

[00:28:40] And taking and taking it.

[00:28:42] And then she gets to the cashier.

[00:28:45] Okay.

[00:28:45] And she doesn't have any money.

[00:28:47] Oh, grandma.

[00:28:48] She forgot to bring her purse.

[00:28:50] She doesn't have her checkbook.

[00:28:51] She always pays with a check.

[00:28:52] She's one of the last remaining human beings on the planet earth who pays for groceries

[00:28:57] with a check.

[00:28:58] Yep.

[00:28:59] She doesn't have her checkbook.

[00:29:00] Oh gosh.

[00:29:01] Okay.

[00:29:02] So, you know, she's despondent.

[00:29:04] She knows that she wants to have this dinner ready in time.

[00:29:06] If she doesn't get the groceries back to the house in time, then she's going to be in

[00:29:12] big trouble.

[00:29:12] Yep.

[00:29:13] Of course.

[00:29:15] So then she hears the sleigh bells.

[00:29:18] Oh.

[00:29:18] Oh.

[00:29:20] And so now she's a widow, by the way.

[00:29:23] I don't know.

[00:29:23] We set this up earlier because the commercial starts with her looking at a photo of her husband

[00:29:29] who's deceased.

[00:29:30] Oh no.

[00:29:31] So going back to the cashier line.

[00:29:34] Right.

[00:29:34] She hears, you know, she hears jingle bells and she kind of looks up at the ceiling of the

[00:29:38] Stop and Shop.

[00:29:39] And she kind of is like, what's going on?

[00:29:41] And she hears in the distance, like, oh, oh, oh.

[00:29:45] And she, you see her leave.

[00:29:47] She goes, cause it's one minute, one minute.

[00:29:49] And she leaves.

[00:29:51] And then about a few minutes, it says time has passed.

[00:29:55] So the clock kind of shows like eight minutes have passed.

[00:29:57] Uh-huh.

[00:29:58] And then she comes back and she's got cash.

[00:30:05] Uh-huh.

[00:30:07] Pays for all the groceries and she has a little extra for herself.

[00:30:13] Okay.

[00:30:14] That's interesting.

[00:30:15] And go ahead.

[00:30:17] And she's, you know, she's got a smile on her face.

[00:30:20] She just saw Santa.

[00:30:21] Mm-hmm.

[00:30:23] And she actually, she reaches her like, you know how they have the impulse purchases?

[00:30:27] Yeah.

[00:30:28] Yeah.

[00:30:28] Right there.

[00:30:28] She just kind of looks over and she thinks about it for a second.

[00:30:31] She goes and gets the Tic Tacs.

[00:30:37] And so do we ever see Santa again?

[00:30:39] You don't have to.

[00:30:43] All right.

[00:30:44] Well, that's, that's why I stay so jolly.

[00:30:46] Stop and shop.

[00:30:47] And do you have a little tag, like stop and shop, you know, thanks for the memories

[00:30:50] or, you know, something like that.

[00:30:52] Get in, get out.

[00:30:57] Wow.

[00:30:57] Okay.

[00:30:57] I love it, Brian.

[00:30:58] Brian.

[00:30:59] Thanks.

[00:30:59] That's a memorable commercial.

[00:31:01] Thank you, Jack.

[00:31:02] Part of what you do is you create memories.

[00:31:04] I love to create memories.

[00:31:05] Oh, that's, that's amazing.

[00:31:07] Uh, sort of in the, well, probably I would assume in the opposite direction of that.

[00:31:11] I know Lockheed Martin reached out to you.

[00:31:14] I, which I, I don't know if they need to necessarily advertise their products, but, but,

[00:31:21] but what do I know?

[00:31:21] You're the expert.

[00:31:22] I'm just a, I'm just a guy who writes fart jokes for a living.

[00:31:25] So tell me, uh, why Lockheed needs your services for, for their new, um, Christmas ad campaign.

[00:31:32] Well, uh, so, you know, they came to me, they're like, we want to get our brand out there.

[00:31:36] What can we do?

[00:31:36] And I was like, all right, well, you think, well, it's Christmas season.

[00:31:38] Uh, who's an endearing Christmas character.

[00:31:41] You know?

[00:31:41] Oh, of course, you know, Santa, right?

[00:31:43] Yes.

[00:31:44] And he's, he's one of the bigger Christmas characters.

[00:31:46] Yeah.

[00:31:47] One of the, one of them.

[00:31:48] Yeah.

[00:31:48] And so basically, uh, it starts with Santa and he's getting his reindeer all set up.

[00:31:55] So Santa is, is getting his reindeer ready to go.

[00:31:58] So, and, and then Dasher turns to Santa and says, um, Santa Claus, we're going to unionize.

[00:32:08] Oh God.

[00:32:09] And he was like, he just like looks at Dasher.

[00:32:11] He's like, after all these years, you're going to do this to me and raise my costs.

[00:32:15] And he just goes over and he unhooks the, the, the reins.

[00:32:20] Yeah.

[00:32:21] And he's like, get the fuck out of here.

[00:32:24] What?

[00:32:25] What?

[00:32:25] Yeah.

[00:32:26] But we bleep it out.

[00:32:27] Cause we, it's going to be a national television.

[00:32:28] Yeah, of course.

[00:32:29] So he's get the beep out of here.

[00:32:31] They thought that they were going to triple Santa's operating costs.

[00:32:33] And, and Santa went full Ronald Reagan Patco on them.

[00:32:37] Yeah.

[00:32:37] He's like, get out of here.

[00:32:39] Get out.

[00:32:40] So now he's sitting there with his sleigh.

[00:32:42] He's got Christmas Eve coming and he's thinking like, what am I going to do?

[00:32:45] What am I going to do?

[00:32:46] And then Mr. Martin comes in.

[00:32:49] Uh, who's Mr.

[00:32:50] Oh, he's, he's a, it's a character I've created called Mr.

[00:32:54] Martin.

[00:32:54] He said from Lockheed Martin.

[00:32:55] Right.

[00:32:56] Cause Mr.

[00:32:56] Lockheed just doesn't sound right.

[00:32:57] It doesn't.

[00:32:58] Martin really sounds right.

[00:33:00] Cause you think of Dean Martin.

[00:33:01] Yeah.

[00:33:02] Or Martin.

[00:33:03] Short.

[00:33:03] Mull.

[00:33:04] Yeah.

[00:33:05] Okay.

[00:33:06] Martin Mull.

[00:33:07] First thing I think of when I hear Martin is Martin Mull.

[00:33:09] Of course.

[00:33:10] So the, the, Mr.

[00:33:11] Martin comes in and says, it looks like you could use some technology.

[00:33:14] Cause that's the, that's my little thing.

[00:33:16] He says technology, like a little kid.

[00:33:17] Oh, that's cute.

[00:33:18] This is cute.

[00:33:19] Like it's endearing, like a little.

[00:33:21] And Santa's like, well, I just got rid of my stupid reindeer.

[00:33:23] I don't know what to do now.

[00:33:24] He's like, I think we can help you.

[00:33:25] And then it cuts to Santa strapped on a Lockheed Martin, a surface to air

[00:33:30] missile.

[00:33:32] Strapped on.

[00:33:33] Well, he's, he's like, he's like riding it like a horse or like, what's his

[00:33:38] name?

[00:33:38] And, uh, uh, strange sellers.

[00:33:40] Yeah.

[00:33:41] Well, Peter, who was a, who was the other guy?

[00:33:43] Slim Pickens.

[00:33:44] Oh, some pickets.

[00:33:44] Yeah.

[00:33:44] Riding that, riding the missile.

[00:33:46] That's right.

[00:33:47] So it's kind of like that.

[00:33:48] So he's sailing through the air and he's got a big sack of presents on it.

[00:33:51] And he just says, thank you, Lockheed Martin.

[00:33:52] You saved the day.

[00:33:54] Wow.

[00:33:55] Yeah.

[00:33:56] Does, do we see the missile land anywhere and Santa get off?

[00:34:00] Uh, no, because, you know, I didn't think out that part.

[00:34:03] Cause they told me that surface to air missiles don't stay in the air the

[00:34:06] whole time.

[00:34:07] Right.

[00:34:08] Which, you know, I, I kind of understood, like I know when Russia is

[00:34:11] shooting missiles at hospitals and schools, uh, that they only, they go up and

[00:34:15] come down.

[00:34:16] That's right.

[00:34:16] And I hadn't thought about that with our missiles.

[00:34:18] I thought our missiles were different.

[00:34:20] Okay.

[00:34:20] So, oh, so what, what happens to Santa in that situation?

[00:34:26] Uh, well, I mean, we're just going to go with that.

[00:34:29] The missile eventually makes its way to the North pole and it comes in and

[00:34:32] lands like SpaceX.

[00:34:35] But in actuality, what happens?

[00:34:37] Uh, it actually, it's killed a lot of L's.

[00:34:42] That's what I'm not, uh, I guess.

[00:34:45] And so the commercial ends and, and Lockheed Martin saves Christmas or what?

[00:34:49] Like what?

[00:34:49] Yeah.

[00:34:50] It was just, it's Merry Christmas from Lockheed Martin.

[00:34:53] That's weird.

[00:34:54] Sort of strapping Santa to a missile in a sort of suicide type of pact.

[00:34:59] Yeah.

[00:35:00] But I didn't do, we didn't go, we didn't go to the end.

[00:35:02] Right.

[00:35:02] Okay.

[00:35:03] He's just flying around in a missile doing his business.

[00:35:05] Yeah.

[00:35:06] Okay.

[00:35:06] Uh, you know what?

[00:35:07] You're the expert, but you're going to get letters.

[00:35:09] That's fine.

[00:35:09] As long as they send us in the North pole.

[00:35:12] Do you know one other thing, um, that Santa has in common with Ronald Reagan, besides

[00:35:16] busting, busting up unions and strikes, um, Mrs. Claus, uh, had sex with Frank Sinatra.

[00:35:22] I don't know if you knew that.

[00:35:23] Is that true?

[00:35:24] No kidding.

[00:35:24] That's true.

[00:35:25] And Shirley MacLaine.

[00:35:27] That's right.

[00:35:28] Wow.

[00:35:29] Yeah.

[00:35:31] Shirley MacLaine.

[00:35:32] Uh, so, uh, that's exciting.

[00:35:34] So, uh, I know, um, Pizza Hut, which is really strange.

[00:35:38] Struggled over the last 15 plus years.

[00:35:41] You see a lot of, you know, sort of a lot of medium to small size towns.

[00:35:45] You see a lot of Pizza Hut shaped buildings that are now, you know, Napa auto parts stores

[00:35:50] or whatever.

[00:35:51] There's one in upstate New York that is now a cannabis store.

[00:35:55] That's exactly right.

[00:35:56] That distinct Pizza Hut roof.

[00:35:58] Yep.

[00:35:58] Sadly.

[00:35:58] You can always tell.

[00:35:59] Yeah.

[00:35:59] You can always tell.

[00:36:00] They have really struggled.

[00:36:02] You know, they tried the stuffed crust pizza and all these different things.

[00:36:04] And Pizza Hut is just sort of becoming a relic of the past.

[00:36:08] They turned to you for some Christmas magic to maybe save the whole franchise.

[00:36:11] What was your Pizza Hut idea?

[00:36:13] Well, I mean, I, I walked into the meeting with a Pizza Hut pizza.

[00:36:17] Great.

[00:36:18] And I, I opened it up and I held up the slice and I said, does this look like anything to

[00:36:24] you?

[00:36:25] And they were like, yeah, it looks like a slice of pizza.

[00:36:28] And I'm like, no.

[00:36:29] And then I held it from the small part.

[00:36:31] Okay.

[00:36:32] And I held it up in front of the whole room.

[00:36:34] I said, now, what does it look like?

[00:36:35] And they're like, it looks like a slice of pizza.

[00:36:37] I'm like, no, you idiots.

[00:36:38] It looks like a Christmas tree.

[00:36:41] And they looked at it and you're like, yeah, our pizza is Christmas tree shaped.

[00:36:45] So I came up with the idea of Christmas tree shaped pizza.

[00:36:49] Oh.

[00:36:50] So now they take the pizzas and they, they cut them and then they turn them around so that

[00:36:56] the crusts are all in the middle and you have eight Christmas trees.

[00:37:01] Oh, that's kind of cute.

[00:37:04] It's cute when it leaves like right as it leaves the, the building, the premises.

[00:37:08] By the time it gets to the customer, it's just a jumble of slices in one corner of the box.

[00:37:14] So that's something we got to work on.

[00:37:16] That is a problem.

[00:37:17] So what I thought was, what if we put a sheet of glass over the pizza?

[00:37:23] It kind of makes it artistic.

[00:37:25] Yeah.

[00:37:26] Yeah.

[00:37:26] And then keeps it in place a little bit, right?

[00:37:28] Keeps it in place.

[00:37:29] And then you have a sheet of glass.

[00:37:32] That's a great idea.

[00:37:33] How'd that work out?

[00:37:35] A lot of lawsuits.

[00:37:37] A lot of people were like cutting their mouths on glass because people just don't read instructions.

[00:37:41] Right on the, on the box.

[00:37:42] It says, Merry Christmas.

[00:37:44] Do not eat the glass.

[00:37:46] And these people just don't pay attention.

[00:37:50] You know, there's, you know, they, they don't even read.

[00:37:51] They, you just see them flipping open the box and diving in.

[00:37:54] Next thing you know, they're screaming, they're bleeding.

[00:37:57] You know, I should have gone with safety glass, but it's four times more expensive.

[00:38:00] Yeah.

[00:38:00] You can't be doing that.

[00:38:02] No.

[00:38:02] And so what, what did the commercial show in this scenario?

[00:38:08] The commercial set in World War I.

[00:38:13] Okay.

[00:38:14] I, yeah.

[00:38:14] Why not?

[00:38:15] That makes sense, I guess, in your world.

[00:38:18] What, and, and there is, you have like a little jingle at the end, like a sort of a classic jingle at the end of your commercial.

[00:38:25] Yep.

[00:38:26] How does it go?

[00:38:29] Pizza hot, pizza hot, please, please, please, please, please.

[00:38:34] Just echoes.

[00:38:37] It's kind of, cause you're like, what does that mean?

[00:38:39] Like what are you, I know in my mind, it means that I'm begging you to come to the restaurant.

[00:38:45] Cause they still owe me a good chunk of money.

[00:38:47] They, they're like, they're claiming they don't have the money to pay me.

[00:38:51] They might just declare bankruptcy.

[00:38:53] They're behind.

[00:38:54] They want me to lower my rates.

[00:38:56] But you know, you can also be pleased like, yo, I'm about to have another slice.

[00:39:00] Please, please, please, please, please.

[00:39:02] But most people get the desperation.

[00:39:03] Okay.

[00:39:04] Yeah.

[00:39:04] I would, it's pizza hut.

[00:39:05] I would assume they would.

[00:39:06] Yeah.

[00:39:08] Well, Brian, you know, let's, let's try one, one last one real quick.

[00:39:12] And that's, I know Lysol contracted you to write some holiday, holiday eyes, their product.

[00:39:20] Yeah.

[00:39:20] That's a little bit of an odd one.

[00:39:22] It doesn't necessarily, but what do I know?

[00:39:24] What, what, what are you doing with Lysol?

[00:39:26] Well, well, uh, it's Christmas Eve and the camera pans through the living room, like right

[00:39:31] past the fireplace.

[00:39:32] All the, you see all the kids stockings right there.

[00:39:35] The fire's kind of glowing.

[00:39:36] Uh, it's clear that it's late at night.

[00:39:38] The family's in bed.

[00:39:39] Yep.

[00:39:40] And, you know, except for mom and she comes out, you see her in the kitchen and she,

[00:39:45] she reaches into a cookie jar with her hands and she just reaches in and she takes out

[00:39:51] a cookie and places on the plate and takes out another cookie and places on a plate.

[00:39:57] And, um, and then she walks into the living room and she like leaves it on a table right

[00:40:01] near the Christmas tree.

[00:40:04] Um, and then you see, she goes to bed and then see, you hear the, see, you hear the familiar

[00:40:09] reindeer sounds and the sleigh.

[00:40:11] And then Santa comes down the, uh, chimney and he sees the cookies and he's like, Oh, cookies.

[00:40:16] Yum.

[00:40:16] I can't resist those.

[00:40:18] Yeah.

[00:40:18] And he walks over and he eats the cookies and, and then he does his business and he

[00:40:23] gets back.

[00:40:24] And then it says four hours later.

[00:40:26] Oh, okay.

[00:40:27] And he's just starts, his stomach starts to feel upset and, you know, and, and he just

[00:40:34] doesn't feel right.

[00:40:34] He's up in the air in his, in his sleigh and he's flying.

[00:40:37] And, but he can see that his stomach is irritating.

[00:40:39] It's bothering him.

[00:40:40] And then he's thinking, and he's very smart.

[00:40:42] You know, he knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake and all that stuff.

[00:40:44] He also can look back in time.

[00:40:46] Oh, I didn't know that.

[00:40:47] So, yeah.

[00:40:48] So he, he, he looks back in time at this woman and he sees that she came out of the

[00:40:53] bathroom and went straight into the kitchen and then the cookie jar.

[00:40:58] Oh.

[00:40:58] And he's like, son of a bitch, foodborne illness.

[00:41:02] And so he puts her on the naughty list.

[00:41:04] Uh-huh.

[00:41:06] And then, you know, and then it cuts to Lysol.

[00:41:08] Yeah.

[00:41:09] You know, if she had just sprayed her fingers with this disinfectant, Santa would not have

[00:41:14] foodborne illness and she would be getting gifts next year.

[00:41:18] They're off the list.

[00:41:19] And he's like one of these people, he's kind of like, uh, the Kim dynasty in North Korea.

[00:41:24] Like he punishes you to the third generation.

[00:41:26] So these kids and their grandkids will not be getting Christmas presents.

[00:41:32] Like the Kim dynasty.

[00:41:33] The Kim dynasty.

[00:41:35] They punish you to three generations.

[00:41:36] I'll put three generations in jail.

[00:41:37] Well, Santa doesn't do jail, but he's not going to do gifts.

[00:41:41] So these kids are out of luck.

[00:41:43] OOL, as we say in the ad business.

[00:41:45] Now, does, does Santa, does he ever sort of like forcibly sanitize this woman, this filthy

[00:41:53] germ bearing woman?

[00:41:54] You see, like when we get into the details of the product, you see the hand holding the

[00:41:59] spray can and spraying the Lysol and then a microphone, microscope zooms in.

[00:42:04] Yep.

[00:42:04] And, and then you just see this, this germ walking down the street and another germ comes

[00:42:11] up behind it and shoots it in the back.

[00:42:17] Okay.

[00:42:18] We call him hero germ.

[00:42:20] It's a, that's the, that's Lysol.

[00:42:22] Lysol is the hero germ.

[00:42:27] Well, I guess, I guess it's, it's memorable.

[00:42:34] Thank you, Jack.

[00:42:35] It's all about, you know, you want people to remember your product.

[00:42:37] And, and you do that by closing the commercial with like a killer tagline.

[00:42:42] Yeah.

[00:42:43] Well, you know, I, and I saw the cut that you sent me earlier, but I don't remember that

[00:42:48] killer tagline.

[00:42:49] Share it with me again.

[00:42:50] I just said, it says Lysol.

[00:42:52] Well, our CEO only makes $80,000 a year.

[00:43:00] Man.

[00:43:00] I mean, that's, that's not good pay for.

[00:43:03] No, it's not great.

[00:43:04] It's not great, but you know, it's safe.

[00:43:06] It is safe.

[00:43:07] Yeah.

[00:43:10] Yeah.

[00:43:10] You don't want to be too successful, Jack.

[00:43:12] No.

[00:43:12] Just makes people angry.

[00:43:13] No, of course.

[00:43:15] Well, that's.

[00:43:15] Even, even rich kids.

[00:43:16] It's great.

[00:43:17] It's great that he can be safe from the, the, the empathy crowd.

[00:43:21] Thank you.

[00:43:22] You're welcome.

[00:43:23] Well, Brian, you know, thanks for sharing this and, and great work.

[00:43:25] And Hey, happy holidays, buddy.

[00:43:27] Thanks Jack.

[00:43:28] Happy holidays to you.

[00:43:29] Thank you.

[00:43:29] Merry Christmas, Brian.

[00:43:31] Merry Christmas.

[00:43:32] Uh, happy Kwanzaa, Diwali, uh, Aidal Bak, Bashir Assad, whatever.

[00:43:38] There's another thing we missed.

[00:43:39] Well, anyway, Merry Christmas.

[00:43:41] Thank you, Jack.

[00:43:42] One more thing.

[00:43:43] Yeah.

[00:43:44] Uh, I've got one more sponsor.

[00:43:46] Well, shouldn't we like have a, like a little stinger music thing and then do the sponsor?

[00:43:52] Three, two, one.

[00:43:56] Wow.

[00:43:56] Great stinger, Brian.

[00:43:57] Thank you, Jack.

[00:43:58] So what are we doing now?

[00:44:00] Well, I've got to sell as a sponsor.

[00:44:03] Uh, and it's for better help.

[00:44:05] Do you know better help?

[00:44:06] Uh, I don't think I do actually.

[00:44:08] It's, uh, you know, they advertise like crazy with podcasts.

[00:44:12] They're on all sorts of podcasts.

[00:44:13] It's better help.com.

[00:44:14] I'm going to send you the script right now.

[00:44:16] Okay.

[00:44:17] And again, it's a testimonial.

[00:44:19] You got to kind of push it.

[00:44:20] You got to sell it.

[00:44:21] Be like Howard Stern.

[00:44:22] Oh yeah.

[00:44:23] I use that potty, potty stool.

[00:44:26] That's definitely something I use.

[00:44:27] Well, I think I've done a pretty, except for the laughing, I think I've done a pretty good

[00:44:30] job so far.

[00:44:31] Yeah.

[00:44:31] But you got to be professional.

[00:44:32] You can't laugh.

[00:44:33] Okay.

[00:44:33] I've opened it.

[00:44:34] I've never read this before in my life.

[00:44:36] Okay, Jack, take her away.

[00:44:37] Three, two, and one.

[00:44:39] Hey, it's your pal, Jack Helmuth from questionable material with Jack and Brian.

[00:44:44] If you've listened to the show for any length of time, you know, I suffer from crimp.

[00:44:48] You know, I suffer from crippling mental illness.

[00:44:51] I would talk to my wife about it, but she calls me weak and then turns the view up on

[00:44:56] super high volume because she knows the sound of Joy Behar talking makes me incontinent.

[00:45:03] All that squishy mess does is add to my depression.

[00:45:07] I tried talking to someone else about it, but Brian always seems to be abroad giving people

[00:45:13] sandwiches.

[00:45:16] Well, that's where BetterHelp comes in.

[00:45:20] BetterHelp connects me with the mental health professionals I desperately need at times that

[00:45:25] are convenient to me.

[00:45:27] Over a half million people use BetterHelp for online therapy.

[00:45:30] And I'm proud to say I'm one of them.

[00:45:33] In fact, I've tried almost all of their online therapists, and I have to say I love them all.

[00:45:39] Sometimes I sit outside their houses and wonder if it would be cool to know them outside of

[00:45:43] a professional relationship.

[00:45:45] Then they come out of their house on their way to Trader Joe's, and I follow them to Trader

[00:45:49] Joe's, and that's when I stop them and tell them that I just want to talk in person and

[00:45:53] not on the internet.

[00:45:54] And they tell me that this is inappropriate behavior, and I ask them to tell me why they think so.

[00:45:59] And then they say they'll discuss it on Zoom, and then I tell them I just want to be friends,

[00:46:03] and why are they shaking?

[00:46:05] If BetterHelp can help me, it can certainly help you.

[00:46:09] Try BetterHelp today.

[00:46:11] Get your first consultation for only $25, and get yourself on the road to recovery.

[00:46:17] That's BetterHelp.

[00:46:19] B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com.

[00:46:23] I need help assembling a shelf.

[00:46:25] Please call me.

[00:46:30] Damn.

[00:46:31] Assembling a shelf?

[00:46:34] That's a weird testimony.

[00:46:35] It's just relatable, I guess, because, you know, don't we all need help assembling shelves?

[00:46:39] I can't.

[00:46:40] But yeah, while I agree that you are always abroad trying to give people sandwiches,

[00:46:44] I didn't think I suffered from crippling mental illness, and I don't think our audience would know that.

[00:46:50] It's a testimonial.

[00:46:51] You're just saying stuff.

[00:46:53] Yeah.

[00:46:53] So the audience goes, oh, if he's, I like this guy.

[00:46:56] If he likes it, I like it.

[00:46:58] Okay.

[00:46:58] If he likes Pizza Hut, I like Pizza Hut.

[00:47:01] Right.

[00:47:02] I don't like Pizza Hut.

[00:47:04] I know, of course you don't, Brian, because you're a snob.

[00:47:06] You do bits and bits and bits about Hershey's being fake chocolate.

[00:47:10] It's an approximation of chocolate.

[00:47:11] It's an approximation.

[00:47:12] That's right.

[00:47:15] That and the way people name their kids are the things that you obsess up for.

[00:47:20] Jessica, J-E-H-S-S-I-K-K-A.

[00:47:24] No, you're an idiot.

[00:47:25] Okay.

[00:47:26] You're not unique.

[00:47:27] Your kids, you're dumb.

[00:47:28] Well, Brian, we're back, baby.

[00:47:31] That's right, Jack.

[00:47:32] We're going to do more of these on a more regular basis.

[00:47:34] Yes, we promise.

[00:47:35] Slowmentum.

[00:47:36] Slowmentum.

[00:47:37] Catch it.

[00:47:41] That was Questionable Material with Jack and Brian.

[00:47:45] Subscribe on any podcast platform.

[00:47:48] Visit us at qmpodcast.com.

[00:47:51] Thank you.