Jack reads for a children's book. Anti-Zionist podcast school. Latinx ladies love Papi Brian. Very Special Ed. Jack reads for another children's book. The wife tours colleges. Brian runs Camp Falsehopes. The wife tours colleges. Sponsored by silent.partners.
[00:00:00] Jack, I'm drinking diet soda here. Can you please? I'm sorry, Jack. I'll say it again. A Jack. Brian. Jack, you know, there's money to be made in podcasting and one of the ways
[00:00:13] people make money is by reading audio books, Jack. Oh, I've heard that this is very lucrative. Lot of money to be made there. And so I have a lot of connections. You know, I've read
[00:00:24] audio books in the past and they want somebody more, you know, less polished. So I said, well, I know this guy, he can read, he can probably read, he's got eyes and he can read
[00:00:36] words and they said, okay, well let's, let's send him a copy of this audio book. And I said, he's got three kids. So he had two, he was fine. Then they decided to be crazy
[00:00:46] and have a third new baby. Like why? Didn't understand. But now you have to, I know they're like, oh, he's great with kids and he should read kids audio books. And I said, that would
[00:00:55] be perfect. He's a child at heart. He's, he's got a child's haircut, child's penis. He's like, he's got all the things. He's just a child all around. And they said, great. So
[00:01:06] they sent me, they sent me an excerpt from this book. Okay. And they would like you to read it. Well, this is great. So, you know, maybe my, my kids will, we'll get the, the,
[00:01:18] we'll get the audio book and they'll be shocked to hear their father's voice. Yeah, exactly. This is very exciting. Okay. I've, I have received the book. I have never read this before in my life. This one's perfect because it's called the big book of sounds. Great.
[00:01:33] And it's, it's meant for young kids. You've got an infant. And so this, I can picture you reading this book to your kid. I am so excited. Okay. Count me down. I'm ready to go. Just be professional. No laughing or anything. You gotta be professional. It's an audition.
[00:01:46] Obviously I would never do that. The big book of sounds Jack in three, two, one. Farmer John lives down the road on his farm in farmerville. He has a big farm with lots of animals. Would
[00:02:00] you like to meet some of them? Sure. You would. Moo moo says the cow. The cow makes milk for us to drink. Bah, bah, says the sheep. The sheep makes wool we can use to make sweaters
[00:02:14] and blankets to keep us warm. Cock-a-doodle-doo says the hen. She makes eggs for us to eat. I was supposed to say something said the president. He makes laws for us to obey, but his wife
[00:02:30] who is a doctor wasn't paying attention to him. And now he wandered onto farmer John's big farm. Now he's lost on the farm and unable to give a speech. These are really bad optics
[00:02:43] said the head of the communications team. He makes sure we only see the best parts of his boss. Say the sounds again with me. The cow goes moo moo. The sheep goes bah, bah, the hen goes cock-a-doodle-doo. The president goes, where is Germany? I mean, Jill, my wife.
[00:03:04] Jill? Jill? The comms guy goes, we are fucked in November. Who says moo? The cow. Who says bah, bah, the sheep. Who says cock-a-doodle-doo? The president. Uh oh, now he thinks he lays eggs. Oh no, he's strutting around and eating ants. Who shouts optics? The comms guy. He
[00:03:29] needs to brief the token shiny black lesbian press lady. Jesus. Because the media just got a glimpse of chicken POTUS and boy, are there going to be a lot of questions. Ah, shucks.
[00:03:45] I mean, it's it's it's it's a good book. I mean, I feel like they say the F word in this book. We are the comms guy goes right here. The comms guy goes, we are fucked in November
[00:04:06] like that's that's not OK. Yeah, maybe this is just a rough copy and they're gonna they're going to edit it before production. OK, just like they did with the president. That's right. Well, shoot, Brian, I apologize. I didn't mean to embarrass you or the show or myself.
[00:04:25] I was trying to make you some money. I appreciate that. Well, hopefully will there be another chance later in the show? Yes, there will be another chance late in the show. All right. Well, then let's start the show and get to it as
[00:04:38] soon as possible. Will do. OK, then I'll see on the other side. See on the flip side. You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack.
[00:04:58] QM podcast dot com is the audio coming. Should I need to leave? Yes. The session closer the microphone is to your mouth hole, the better the audio. Is that like a I don't know, the podcasting is I don't know, like the
[00:05:17] the technical terms for podcasting. So that's called the mouth hole. Yeah. The mouth hole is where the all your voice comes out and other stuff if you drink too much. And then it goes
[00:05:29] right into the the sound goes into the microphone, which captures the sound. It's like think about like the microphone is like a cattle car. OK. And the voice, the noises coming out of your mouth
[00:05:42] are like Jews. And so it's kind of capturing, it's taking that and it's bringing those things somewhere else. So where did you get this podcasting lesson to sort of learn analogies like that? Columbia University. What? Yeah. They had a podcast class. It was it was just all about,
[00:06:07] you know, how to how to create and develop a podcast. You know, basically references to Jews. Right. OK. To me, it seems very anti-Semitic, like I like I'm not comfortable using that horrible train car analogy that seems awful, like for anti-Semitism is rampant in this country.
[00:06:30] It makes me very uncomfortable. Like did you find any other, you know, uses of and references to the Jewish people or to the whole Gaza conflict in your podcasting class at Columbia? Yeah. Professor Ibrahim was, you know, he had his little analogies and metaphors and
[00:06:49] and also would just kind of rail on Jews, you know, kind of as we're taking our seats in class. That was his kind of that's how you're doing it. You know, it's like he'd say, stop chewing around,
[00:07:02] sit down, stop chewing around. Oh, and, you know, so we'd take our seats and yeah, it's just he had his very particular way of educating us in academia. I guess. So does it does that mean the stop chewing around? Does that mean like stop succeeding beyond all possible
[00:07:19] expectations? No, it was more about just talking. I'm not sure how that's Jewish or Christian or Muslim. That doesn't seem like he just said, would you be like a Jew and colonize a seat? That's what he said.
[00:07:36] That seems said Zionist a lot. I bet he did. Can you give it a can you was there one sort of podcasting related moment where you really stuck out for you as a, you know, where he used the
[00:07:47] word Zionism? Well, he was trying to explain that people don't really like really super long podcasts. And so he said, listen, imagine it's a Zionist. I hate that. And so he was kind of
[00:08:02] coaching us into doing shorter, shorter podcasts. And then I said, what about Joe Rogan? And he's like, you mean Jew Rogan? Oh, whose podcast colonize a good three, four hours of airtime. Mm hmm. It's oppressive. Yeah, it's very impressive. And he's a white supremacist,
[00:08:24] fascist, Nazi. What did they say is like sort of the best way to, um, to really grow an audience because, you know, we've been around for five years and our numbers have been really good, but,
[00:08:34] you know, some of us have been taking vacations, you know, throughout Europe and, uh, the Middle East and our numbers are down a little bit. So did they sort of recommend how we can grow an
[00:08:44] audience? He just kept saying, you know, you can grow this audience from the river to the sea. You just need to keep putting material out there. Uh, what, one of the things he did stress is that you
[00:08:55] have to regularly do your podcast. Oh yeah. So what, you know, what I learned is that if you piss off to the Middle East or something or on the edge of it and you're busy, you see how you fall
[00:09:10] behind and then people forget. They go, Oh, that's right. That podcast. I think, I think they canceled it. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not, I'm not canceled. I just was doing
[00:09:23] stuff in a warehouse. Yeah. But you will be canceled for your thoughts and ideas. I know, you know, the semester just ended for you about six weeks ago. What was on the, what was the final
[00:09:33] like? You just had to draw. Oh, okay. For what did you have to draw? A swastika, but not backwards. That's the thing. A lot of, a lot of kids, they come out of college drawing backwards swastikas.
[00:09:48] Ooh, in this day and age? In this day and age. And it's in there, there to correct that. So it's very, it was fairly easy. It did, it took me about four minutes
[00:09:57] because I like to get perfect right angles. Uh, but yeah, he was very impressed with that. He gave me a little heil and then I was on my way with my, uh, with my diploma. Podcastology is what
[00:10:10] they call it. Just podcastology? There's, there's no other sort of with a focus in decolonizing iTunes or whatever? Well, it was a mandatory minor in anti-Zionism. Okay. And then in parentheses, it just says Jews. On the diploma. On the diploma.
[00:10:31] I think they're feeling bolder, Jack. I think so. I think they, they don't feel the shame. Uh, they don't. Well, speaking of the shame, you're wearing this shirt that maybe, uh, you know, I know you're sort of sitting in an awkward
[00:10:45] position, but you keep sort of doing the, um, the, uh, fat guy in a shirt that doesn't fit perfectly, a shirt pull from your chest. So. I am, cause the shirt's lumping up on me.
[00:10:57] And it's a weird angle the way I'm sitting, leaning against the floor. Not ideal. And so right before the podcast, uh, you're, you're, you were clearly uncomfortable in that shirt. And, um, and I mentioned something about, uh, about it. And you said something
[00:11:14] about the reviews that you've been getting? I said, you know, I I've been getting good reviews of my body on Yelp. So that's interesting. I did. I have not looked you up on Yelp.
[00:11:26] If, if one were to do so, what would one find for Brian sack slash Brian sacks body? Well, I've got four stars. Okay. That's pretty good. You know, you're always going to get haters.
[00:11:37] Yeah. You got some people who just, you know, aren't going to like you for whatever reason. Uh, I got a one star cause I looked Zionist-y, what the guy said. Another one star because I had worked for Glenn Beck years ago. Yep.
[00:11:53] Um, and so, you know, they, they punish you, but I got a lot of four and five stars from a lot of Asian women, uh, who are very successful in crypto. That's great.
[00:12:04] And, and have it in. Yeah, no. So I got, I've had several requests from very attractive Asian women, uh, to possibly be part of their, uh, crypto, uh, endeavors. And it looks like based on the websites they've shown me, I mean, they're getting huge returns.
[00:12:22] What websites are they showing you? A crypto exchange Z. Um, oftentimes it's almost like a jumble of characters, I think because they've just run out of domain names. Oh, that must be it. So you just have to be very forgiving.
[00:12:37] Well, that's what sounds, uh, legit. What sort of, um, first tell me about the, the reviews that you're getting. Well, um, they, I mean, they're, they say very, you know, I love a hairy man. Uh, love me a daddy. Uh, Hey, Pappy.
[00:12:55] I didn't realize Pappy, Pappy was a, was what let let tinks, uh, women, uh, said to, to, to men, were they sexy older men? That's Pappy. Yeah. I didn't know that. I learned that recently.
[00:13:09] I think, I think Pappy is what like, you know, uh, James Garner would call someone in the 1950s. I think Poppy, I think, Hey, Poppy is. Poppy. That's what the ladies were saying. Okay. Well, it's my accent. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, so Poppy that's exciting.
[00:13:32] Hey Poppy. Yeah. These ladies, they, they're very friendly and they, um, they kept calling me Poppy. It's weird that attractive Asian women would be doing that though. No, these are latinx. Oh, latinxs.
[00:13:44] The Asian women are just saying, please invest in my crypto thing. I'm going to help you make 400, 500% return to your investment. It's a lot. And they said, if you want to see,
[00:13:55] just test me and say, I said, well, let's start out small. So I gave them a dollar. And then she said, your dollar is now worth $5. I'm like, holy crap. So then I went straight to the bank and wired them $150,000. My life savings.
[00:14:09] That's great. So that must've been set. You must have some $150,000 now. Yeah. I mean, I just, it just keeps growing. I keep saying, and maybe I should take some out and she says, no, no, just wait.
[00:14:19] Okay. Huh. And so when was the last time you spoke to her? It's a couple of months. She's busy doing crypto. Hmm. Busy doing crypto. She said she's busy doing crypto. She sent me a screenshot of my balance. It's looking great and very excited.
[00:14:41] I forgot the domain name because it's just a bunch of, it's a jumble of letters. She's going to, she's supposed to get back to me with the domain name so that I can log in and
[00:14:49] see the balance for myself. But, uh, you know, my wife and I are talking about maybe doing like a three year cruise around the world. Amazing. Yeah. And so, um, how long have you been waiting for that screenshot?
[00:15:04] Well, she sent me a screenshot a couple of months ago. So it's going great. And then a lot of heart emojis and some kiss emojis. Yeah. It's weird for an investment banker. Yeah. But I showed my wife and I said, it's platonic.
[00:15:18] Okay. And what did she say? She was just very dismissive. Oh, she's like, so who is this person? What is it? What are you talking about? Did you give them any money? I said, yeah, I got to give him a dollar. I got $5 back.
[00:15:30] I didn't want to surprise her with the, I transferred our life savings to them because I want to be able to be walk up to my wife with a big pile of cash. Yeah. Of course.
[00:15:39] She's going to go, where the hell did you get that? I'm going to say, I think her name was Minwa, but I haven't gotten an email from her lately. So I need to go back and
[00:15:47] check. Latinx ladies love my body, Jack. Yeah, I can see that. And so who was it? Harry Pappy. Pappy, huh? Yeah. Poppy too. Harry Poppy. They want, they keep saying I'd love to come up to New York and visit you. Oh. Marry you and obtain permanent residence.
[00:16:08] Well, all this because you're so sexy. That's what they're telling me, you know, and I'm just going to, I'm going to take it. I'm going to, I've learned to take a compliment. Yes. Never used to be good at taking compliments. Now I'm taking them. Yeah.
[00:16:23] Because I miss them. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're getting married long enough and, and you're bound to. You don't get compliments anymore. Nope. You're like, used to be like, oh my God, that's a, that's a wondrous, wondrous penis. And you don't get that anymore.
[00:16:41] You don't, what has it changed something else? Yeah. What would that be? Stop it. Not wondrous. Sad. Yeah. That sounds, that sounds about right. What sort of reviews online, like on Yelp and stuff is your penis getting, if you don't mind me asking.
[00:17:04] Um, it's, it's been pretty good. Okay. You know, you know, a lot of the, you know, there's, um, well one says what a dick. So I don't know if that's a play on words. I'm really, that one, I'm kind of torn. Right. Of course.
[00:17:18] And it's, it's a, it's a five star. Okay. So it could be a positive or it could be somebody messing with me. Cause I recognize the name and it's a kid from high school who used to, used to hit me with a broom.
[00:17:34] Well, did you ever show of your penis? That's why he hit me with a broom. So you're not necessarily the victim here. I initially thought Brian has been victimized. I was, he hit me with a broom every home room. Well, how often did you show him your penis?
[00:17:51] Every home room. Well, there you go. Because no, because that's how I would say is today the day. What? And then I'd stood up on my desk, just like in a dead poet society. Yes.
[00:18:04] And I pulled my pants down and I said, is today the day Mr. Featherbottom? Mr. Featherbottom? Yes. That was the name of your homeroom teacher? No, that was the name of the kid. That's the name I gave him.
[00:18:24] You gave him, you gave a fellow student the name Mr. Featherbottom. Yes, I did. And then he would look at me this look of disgust, which I took as being anti-Zionism. And then he would hit me with a broom.
[00:18:42] What was the rest of the class sort of, how were they taking in this information? It was just the two of us in the class. It was a, it was a special class. Oh, I love special classes.
[00:18:55] You know, it could be an advanced placement or any sort of, like what was the special nature of your class? It was called ADHD slash P. Okay. ADHD, I would assume is attention deficit hyperactive disorder. Yeah. Okay. What was the P for? Psychosis. Okay. Okay.
[00:19:16] So you guys had some challenges. It was a tough class. You know, I was convinced he was Mr. Featherbottom and that I was the King Royale. I see. And he at the end. And what was his psychosis towards you? He did not like to be exposed to genitalia.
[00:19:40] Well. It was something ever since he was a child, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was absolutely disgusted coming out of his mother. Oh yeah. It's gross. You know, most kids are born with their eyes closed.
[00:19:54] He was born with his eyes wide open. He saw the whole trip. He was absolutely disgusted. Yeah. It's terrible. By female anatomy and just any anatomy in general. He is, he came out of that womb with his eyes wide open steering. The doctor was freaked out.
[00:20:11] Didn't even want to unplug the mucus from his nose with the squeeze bottle thing. He was just like, looked at this infant steering at what was around him, the mess, this vaginal Holocaust and was just, he was absolutely disgusted. He never recovered from it. Now, poor Featherbottom.
[00:20:35] Oh, poor, yeah. Poor Featherbottom. Now, vaginal Holocaust was the name of your coffee table art book. It was. Yep. Wasn't a big seller. Why do you think that is? Because, you know, I, at the time I, I didn't really, you have to know your audience.
[00:20:53] And I think if I had been kind of a young punk, uh, you know, in, in living in Soho lofts and stuff, that, that might've been the right place, but I was a Mormon missionary and it just did not go over well in Utah. I see.
[00:21:11] So what was the content of your, of your, of your book that you were trying to push out to these poor Mormons? It was basically just me. I would, I would basically crash childbirths. The wedding crashers for childbirths. Exactly.
[00:21:30] So I would crash, uh, you know, break in there. I'd pretend to be an OBGYN and then at the last minute, you know, do my fun stuff. Like taking photographs, I guess. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's definitely a humongous, uh, uh, crime. Yeah, no, I, I, I agree.
[00:21:50] It was, it was, it was frowned upon by the authorities, by the people present. Um, the only, I mean, I, I did have a following of people who loved placenta and so they, you know, they had my back, so to speak, but it's a small following.
[00:22:06] It was in, in, yeah, no, I would imagine. So in what way did they have your back? Uh, well, I mean, they, they would run GoFundMes for my bail and things like that.
[00:22:16] Cause every once in a while I'd get in a tussle, you know, the lady in the, in the throes of childbirth doesn't like me popping up, you know, in the middle there doing my shtick. Right. Your shtick. You know, not funny to her, not, not cool.
[00:22:32] You know, if the husband's present, he can, they can get very, you know, cause if you look back, sometimes it's a very powerful emotional moment when, when a, when a father witnesses the birth of his child. You know, that's, I remember that.
[00:22:44] But you know, when somebody jumps up in a green bean costume and says, sock it to me cause it's art, they just don't, they don't get it. I mean, artists are notoriously misunderstood. They are.
[00:23:03] And then, you know, and then if as part of my missionary work, I'd see if they'd be interested in the book of Mormon. Have they heard of the angel Moroni and the battles in Rochester? And you know, that just not the right entree.
[00:23:19] Boy, there's a lot of bigotry you've had to overcome. There's been a lot of bigotry and it's really, it's sad. I, you know, I thought we had overcome this. You know, they used to say we shall overcome. I thought we overcame, but now it's, we're going back. Yeah.
[00:23:33] Going backwards. Anyway, I sold three copies. Well, Brian, that's great. Thank you. You know, sometimes people ask me, Hey Jack, can the podcast get weirder? And I always say, yeah, yeah, I can. Jack. Brian. Another audio book opportunity. Okay.
[00:24:00] So they sent me this book and they said, if Jack can read this professionally, he's got the audio book gig. This is a book called Mr. Hubert's Manners. It's a manners book for children. Okay. So it's another children's book. It's important for kids to learn manners. Yes.
[00:24:16] And they said, have him read it cold and let's just see if we like them. I feel I'm feeling really energized after our last segment. Nothing can stop me. Let's go. Three, two, one. Mr. Hubert knows that good manners are important.
[00:24:35] Mr. Hubert wants you to have good manners too. Mr. Hubert has invited you to be his guest at dinner. If your manners impress Mr. Hubert, you will be rewarded with the restaurant's famous dessert. So said Mr. Hubert, do you think we should talk loudly at the table?
[00:24:55] Or is it better to use our inside voices? Well, what do you think? Inside voices, of course. And there's a napkin lying on the table. What do you think it's for? Should it stay on the table or do you put it in your lap? Your lap, of course.
[00:25:16] And the hostess hands you the menu. Is it important to say thank you? Of course it is. And she's a 10. Just stunning. Skin-tight black dress, maybe 19 years old. Oh, the things Mr. Hubert would do to her. He's devouring her with his eyes. He can't help it.
[00:25:40] That feeling never goes away. But it's bad manners to leer at the gorgeous hostess. It's much more polite to discreetly take photographs that you can tap into later. So freaking hot. Hot damn, maybe she'd be up for a sugar daddy. Mr. Hubert will have a Negronian think.
[00:26:02] Do you think it's good manners to wear a ball cap at the table? Well, it's not. Only women can wear hats at the table. Men need to remove their caps or they risk appearing like a classless boar.
[00:26:15] Not sure when they stop teaching this one, but holy crap is that girl something else. I can't even. Oh, it's too bad. Sounds like a cool book. It sounds like a lot of good lessons, some good lessons for present day me. Yeah. Ball cap off. Sugar daddy.
[00:26:36] Yeah, sugar daddy. Like how much do you think that sets you back a month? Like decent sugar daddying, like hostess level sugar daddy. $1,700. What's so specific and fast? How many meets are we talking about a month? Once a week would be nice. Okay, now you're talking $2,300.
[00:26:57] And where would you even meet? I mean, I can't even imagine where. Seeking.com. But then physically out in the world, where would you even go? I doubt I could even think of- Claudio's restaurant. What would you even- It's dark. I know Claudio. There's a back room.
[00:27:21] I don't know, these crazy hypotheticals. There's a mattress. At Claudio's, there's a mattress? In the mattress room. Claudio calls it the mattress room? Yeah, he's Italian. Is- wait a minute, is Claudio sex trafficking and this whole store is a front? It's not trafficking. They came here willingly.
[00:27:47] They're just working off what they owe. Then they get their passports back, Jack. Oh, that's fine. So, Brian, you know, we've been so crazy here in the first half of the show,
[00:28:03] the first 60% of the show, I haven't even had a chance to really ask you how you're doing. Yeah, I'm good. How are you doing? Oh, I'm pretty good. Thank you. I was just, you know where I just was? Where were you?
[00:28:15] I was in Cincinnati, Ohio and its suburbs visiting the staff of Silent Partners. That's a true story. No kidding. Yes. My wife was just in Ohio looking at colleges with my son. That's cool. I didn't know she was there. Yeah, I didn't know you were there.
[00:28:32] Yeah, but I don't have to tell you everything, Brian. I'd like to know everything. Yeah, but you leave me a lot. You leave a lot these days. I do leave. I left a little bit. I had to go do a thing.
[00:28:44] Well, what was the thing this time, Brian? The humanitarian aid thing. Went back to Cyprus to close it down, Jack. Not going to do that maritime corridor. Right. How many, how many friends did you lose this round? None this round, Jack. This went swimmingly. Oh good. Yep. Just.
[00:29:02] I meant from your personality. Oh, you know, it's probably a couple. But no one, no one, no one murdered by a misfired or. No accidental deaths this time, Jack. Great. It was a stunning success in that sense. Now your wife, she was in Ohio visiting campus, college campuses.
[00:29:28] Yes. Now she's doing that, like you said, for your son. But I know your son wasn't with her on these campus visits. Was that right? Yeah. I mean, he's listen, he's like any other kid. He likes to stay home and play video games, Jack. Of video games, Jack.
[00:29:47] And so my wife said, well, I'm going to, I'm going to go on a college tour for you. I'm going to find the best college for you. So she's been all over the place. Can you give us a couple of high?
[00:29:57] I know you don't want to give away where your son is going to go to college, but can you just, can you just give us some examples of where she was and maybe how she was like scouting the best colleges for your son?
[00:30:06] She said, I said, she goes, listen, I'm going to go to Annapolis United States Naval Academy. I said, okay, that's cool. I said, how come? And she said, because I love semen. And so she went there and she spent, you know, the tour was like three hours.
[00:30:22] She said, but she stayed a solid week. She said she knew that place inside and out. She was very, she said the dormitory is amazing. They have a huge cafeteria that can serve 4,500 people at once. Wow.
[00:30:39] And, and so she said that they would come downstairs from the dorms and go into the kitchen and then just get fed and then go right back upstairs again. But what was this sort of takeaway that, I mean, she's just like sitting in the cafeteria observing this?
[00:30:54] Well, the only one she was eating, but she kept saying, she, she said, you know, this particular, the buildings there, you know, it's United States Naval Academy. She said the trim work on the ceilings is phenomenal.
[00:31:08] She said that just the level of detail and the crown molding in the dormitories, she said was just amazing. She said she almost memorized how many little, little designs and stuff there were in the crown molding. Wow. So she, she said that that's a very exhaustive curriculum. Yep.
[00:31:29] I love her attention to detail, I guess. She said motor boating. There's just so many things. Motor boating. Yeah. I guess that's the, it's naval. Yep. She said naval too. Big like naval stuff. She said, you know, big, big naval stuff. Yeah. Clandestine operations.
[00:31:51] I don't know what that means. Did she find the military to be really, I don't know, sort of, you know, too strict, you know, really anal. I mean, just like too inflexible. No, no. She said they, these guys could stay at attention for hours. No kidding. Yeah.
[00:32:10] They're super disciplined there and they're in peak physical shape. They get up and they do PT first thing in the morning. They're up at six. There's none of this college crap of, you know, sleeping in all day and drinking all night that it's different as Annapolis. That's cool.
[00:32:24] And, but what is PT isn't what people think it stands for there though, right? According to your wife. Right. Remind me again what PT stands for? Polish time. Now your wife is Polish. If I remember all the midshipmen called it Polish time that started at six. Cool.
[00:32:49] She loved it. She said she wants to go back to college. I didn't know she went to college in the first place. She went to Purdue. What, what was she like? What, what was she looking for at Purdue? What sort of specialties, you know, did she find there?
[00:33:05] She said they don't have crown molding in their dorms. It's very modern. Oh, okay. I mean, did she, was she able to check out any of the ceilings? She was concerned. She said the paint job wasn't ideal. They didn't really cut the corners great.
[00:33:22] But aside from that, the dorms tended to be clean. Right. If not hot and sweaty. She said the, the athletics are really good. They have a great basketball team. She said the men are very tall and, and, and very strong and powerful and can pass her around like
[00:33:42] a, like a basketball is what she said. She goes, when I'm with them, I feel like a basketball. Really? Yeah. I feel like a basketball. I can't even possibly understand what that means. There's something about dribbling. Did they make a lot of three-point shots?
[00:33:59] She said the, there's mostly three-point shots and a lot of rim stuff. Okay. Well. And she had a big bruise on her forehead. Cause I guess it kept hitting the backboard. That's a shame. I hope she's okay. Just don't know how she got up there.
[00:34:27] All right, Brian, real quick. We, you know, we amazingly, we're almost out of show. Yeah, that's crazy. And we didn't even explain anything. We didn't explain any. Nothing. Just kind of appeared, disappeared. I went off to Cyprus, reappeared. And here we are again, Jack.
[00:34:41] We are people I want to hear. They just want to be entertained. That's right. They don't want the nod. Let's just entertain. Let's do that. You know, but there's also, you know, I know a lot of people,
[00:34:50] I have fans are always telling me, you know, we come to your show to learn. Yes. And, and, and, you know, one of the things that I was sort of reminded of today, actually. Today is the first day where both of my kids were at camp.
[00:35:02] Unfortunately, there were different camps, which makes the mornings not a lot of fun. Excellent choice. Have to drive to the, well, that was, that was my wife. My daughter is at a theater camp and my son is sort of like at a multi-sport camp.
[00:35:17] And I reminded, it's like, I didn't even think to check in. You run a summer camp, isn't that right? Yeah, I do. Well, that's fantastic. Where, what's the name of your camp? Camp False Hopes. Camp False Hopes. That's, that sounds cool.
[00:35:34] You know, can you tell us a little bit about, you know, we actually, my son still actually has two weeks open this summer. My daughter Eden is fully booked up, your goddaughter. What, what is your camp? What is Camp False Hopes all about? What do you guys do?
[00:35:50] We build self-esteem. Oh, cool. So we want kids to come out of this camp feeling better about themselves than ever before. I love that. It's so important. And, you know, we always, we have a running joke.
[00:36:04] We say when parents come to pick up their kids after the month long camp session, you should bring a big plastic tub for all the awards they're going to win. That's great. When they come to Camp False Hopes. That's so cool.
[00:36:18] So do you have, you know, sometimes it's useful to like see Camp False Hopes or a place like it through the eyes of, you know, someone who goes there. Yeah.
[00:36:29] So, you know, do you have sort of a student that you could sort of point to and talk about his or her journey? Yeah. There's a guy, Dunovan. Dunovan? Dunovan. Okay. And Dunovan Riley, it's a very Irish name. Yeah. And he's a kid, he's from New York.
[00:36:47] Oh, okay. And he comes out to the countryside to Camp False Hopes. His parents drop him off in their Range Rover and then they take off to go have some summer fun. And well, Dunovan, I mean, we, first thing we did is we looked at him.
[00:37:01] I walked right up to him and I said, you are a very good looking kid. Aw. And he's, you know, he smiles, got very large front teeth, but he smiled and it was just kind of, you could see that he probably hadn't heard that before.
[00:37:19] And whatever that blotches on his face, I guess is some kind of birthmark or whatever. Birthmark. That kind of, he kind of, he blushed a little bit with that, that kind of turned even redder than it normally is.
[00:37:32] And, and his eye looked at me and he just kind of, you know, he gave me this strange buck tooth smile, but I knew I reached him and he was happy. And there was the beginning of the deluge of, of empowerment and building up and giving
[00:37:49] these kids confidence. So I said- That's huge. Dunovan, you look like you might be a really good singer. And he goes, I don't know. I don't know. It's some weird mouth thing. And I said, cause you know, tonight we have, you've got talent.
[00:38:09] You know, there's America's Got Talent, but we have, you've got talent. Great. So he, we put him on stage that night and he sang, he sang his heart out. That's great.
[00:38:23] Can you, can you give us like a little, like a little sampling of, of what he, what he did that night? Yeah. We said, you know, what, what do you want to sing? And he, he said, I miss my mommy and my daddy.
[00:38:41] So we auto tuned it and we just kind of let that go. We let it run. It was a lot of, you know, the way we, we kind of have, we have a live house band that
[00:38:51] was kind of backing up the whimpering and the cries and the sniffles with, with some good percussion, guitar riffs. We auto tuned his voice. It was magical that we all, uh, you know, as we do, we, we all clapped, clapped for 20 minutes for Donovan.
[00:39:07] And then he got his first award, best singer. Wow. Yeah. No one else even competed. No, a lot of people compete, but they all get best singer. Although they all do. Okay.
[00:39:18] But you know what, what my trick is, is I just lean over and I said, listen, you're the best singer. And I give him the best singer. I said, don't show this to anyone else. Oh, that's smart.
[00:39:28] Cause that way they feel they're, they're the ones who are the best singer. Yeah. And then. So Donovan, um, so, but in fact, Donovan is not a good singer. You know, I, I don't want to judge young kids with strange birth defects and one eye and
[00:39:48] blotches on their face and buck teeth like I've never seen before. But I would say, you know, not something I would, I would care to listen to. Um, but it doesn't matter. It's not about me. It's about these kids. It's about giving them hope and esteem.
[00:40:05] And giving them a stage to have a basically a mental breakdown in front of everybody. Yep. I mean, and it was, you know, it's something we, everybody gets to talk about, you know, he was his very first night there. He was famous at Camp Falsopes.
[00:40:17] Everybody knew who he was. That's great. They're like, oh, that's, that's Donovan. Donovan Criley is what they call them. Oh. You know? And we just, we said, you know, that instead of making that like hurtful, we just turned
[00:40:31] it into a joke and made it, we had fun with it. That's great. Did Donovan have fun with it? I, you know, it's all relative, but we got him a shirt that said Donovan Criley and made him wear that and to kind of, you know, we own it.
[00:40:45] You know, it's kind of like, you know, you take that thing that's hurtful and you own it. Kind of like how, you know, how the N word used to be hurtful. And then, you know, and then everybody started using it and they took it back and it doesn't
[00:41:00] cause any pain anymore. And so it was kind of, you know, with Donovan Criley, we, you know, we, we, we owned hit. We took it back. That's great. And so, you know, how, how has Donovan doing, you know, since camp has been over? Well. Why the hesitation?
[00:41:22] Because it's a long story. We sent him home. He had a tub full of awards. Yeah, great. And, and the, and he was just filled with, by the end of the month, he was filled with this self-esteem and this, the belief that he was the best athlete.
[00:41:39] He was the, he was the best racer, the best singer, the best artist, the best little chef, because we had a little chef count, all the best. And he just, you know, he felt really good about himself for the first time.
[00:41:51] And he got home and he pulled out that tub of awards and he showed it to his neighbor who had traditionally been a bully and really damaged his self-esteem. Sure. But Donovan was feeling really good about himself. Good.
[00:42:08] And so he knocked on the neighbor's door, the neighbor opened up the bully kid. And he said, look at all these tubs. I won all these awards this summer. Can you do it in Donovan's voice before you tell us what happens? I won all these awards this summer.
[00:42:23] Look what I won. You know, that's, that's what he said. And, uh, you know, the bully had a different reaction. Wasn't as impressed. Oh, what was the reaction? Just sort of like, Hey, stop bragging. You're making me feel bad. No, no. He, he, he broke the awards.
[00:42:44] He smashed them. Well, that's not kind. No, it was not kind. It was, it was hurtful literally because it was on, he smashed them on Donovan's head and Donovan already had a metal plate at the top of his head that's exposed.
[00:42:59] So, you know, it kind of crushed him, but we said, come back next year. You're great. We'll put you front and center on stage. That's great. Well, you've, you know, you did that. You gave Donovan false hope. He had false.
[00:43:14] He had, you know, there was a moment where he had confidence on that's unearned confidence that, you know, got him through, you know, a full several days of camp. That's great. That's the best kind of confidence. Took him about three weeks to acclimate.
[00:43:31] What was, um, what was the sort of key indicator that he wasn't acclimating right away? The bed wetting, uh, which he got, he got best bed wetter. Um, but you know, we always, you know, we don't let him know that that's kind of a negative.
[00:43:45] We treat it as a positive. Sure. Uh, the, the endless crying, the, the hypochondria, the belief that he was constantly sick and turning himself into the nurse at the camp and, but he got best patient. Oh, great. I'll be honest. He's a wreck of a human.
[00:44:05] No, you didn't need to say that. That's what his parents said. Uh, where can they find your camp online? Camp false hopes dot partners. I'm actually, I want to sell camp false hopes, Jack. And that's why I'm considering using silent partners.
[00:44:26] What that's a, what would, how could send the partners help your business or any, any business, big or small? As I understand it, Jack, they are smarter than I, when it comes to business. Yeah, they are.
[00:44:38] And so they will guide me through the process of selling my camp, camp false hopes. So that I, what I want to happen with the camp after I'm no longer related to it, uh, continues on.
[00:44:53] You know, I want to make sure that camp continues in its mission on enriching the lives of children and blowing smoke up their ass. And I want to make sure that silent partners, uh, continues that tradition with the next owner. That's fantastic.
[00:45:09] So you go to silent dot partners and that's a website, Jack. Oh, okay. Silent dot partners. And is it on the internet? It's on the internet. It's a domain name. Okay. And can you just type that into the little typey part of your computer?
[00:45:25] Is that how you would access it? You put it in the typey part and it'll take your, you don't even need the HTTP colon backslash backslash anymore. It's crazy. That technology is just nuts. So did silent partners innovate that? Probably. Wow.
[00:45:40] I'm going to give them credit for it. That's cool. Is there anything they can't do? I don't believe so because, um, you know, my wife doesn't want to go through menopause. She's worried that it's looming on the horizon and they said, don't worry about it.
[00:45:56] So she went to, so she visited silent partners, silent dot partners. They gave a knowing wink and said, don't worry about it. So I guess they're multifaceted because I thought they just dealt with businesses and transitions, things like that. Yeah.
[00:46:11] But they're actually going to, going to fend off menopause. That's remarkable. And are they giving her false hope or are they actually going to do it? Oh, that's a good point. She did. She got best premenopausal woman award. Okay. Well, my wife will be very upset about that.
[00:46:30] I mean, after all, she just crapped out a kid. No more. No, no, no more. Believe me, it's not possible. Actually. I talked to the guys at silent partners and they said they are going to go tie her tubes. Whoa.
[00:46:41] They can do anything over in silent dot partners. I believe the word was we're done with this nutty hoe is what they said. That's so their sort of internal language. Yeah. I mean, they always get, they, they sound more professional in other circumstances,
[00:46:55] but when it comes to your lady. Bitches be crazy as they say. Yeah. Be wilding. Well, that's silent dot partners for you, Brian. I have one more Jack potential audio book for you. That's great. Is it another children's book? It is another children's book. Sweet. It is sweet.
[00:47:18] It's called, Oh, what a man you will be. It's a Dr. Seuss, Jack. Oh, yay. I don't, I'm not familiar with this one. That's so fun. Yeah. It's a new, it's a Dr. Seuss. I guess it's been unearthed.
[00:47:31] They said the Dr. Seuss estate just discovered it and they said, okay, well, it needs someone to read it. I said, listen, my friend, Jack, he's looking for audio book work. They said, give him the book, this excerpt, have them read it professionally. And he's got the gig.
[00:47:46] Awesome. Hey, thank you for it. Seriously, Brian, thank you for your confidence in me. Thank you, Jack. I'd like you to read it now. Okay. Okay. I'm ready. Three, not to rush two one. Oh, what a man you will be by Dr. Seuss. Yes.
[00:48:00] In the land of great changes, both grand and profound. There's a wondrous procedure that's worth spreading around. It's called phalloplasty, a term you might hear where science and art both appear crystal clear.
[00:48:15] A lady may choose it for reasons so dear to feel more like a man to feel joy and cheer. The surgeon, like a wizard with knowledge and might begins with some tissue. The magic ignites from the arm or the leg, a flap.
[00:48:29] They will take to make it a wiener for the body's own sake. Next comes the urethra, a delicate task, crafting a new path for urine to pass with skill and precision. They stitch and they weave, creating a slug in which one can believe nerves are connected
[00:48:47] with the hopes they will grow, bringing sensation, a marvelous flow. The journey is that simple. It takes time and care to make a new dinky thing seem to appear. There might be more steps like implants or tweaks to ensure the result is just what one seeks.
[00:49:05] In the end, the lady has a new dink and with some old hormones, she's a man, don't you think? Phalloplasty is a wonder. It's really the best. Just don't forget to get rid of those breasts. Ah, Barry, he was really ahead of his time. Yeah, that's crazy.
[00:49:25] He's just he saw things coming. That's what the family said. They said, oh yeah, we found this in one of his old safes. And yeah, so I'm excited for it. I think it's good for kids. Did I get the job?
[00:49:41] No, it was not as professional as they would like. You know, there's a few moments there where you kind of went off the rails a little bit. Yeah, I mean, it was kind of a shocking subject matter, you understand. Well, you know, it's phalloplasty, Jack.
[00:49:55] It's just a thing. Okay, no, no, no, no judging. Well, Brian, I mean, that's what a weird episode this was. Yep. Well, that's what happens. That's what happens when one of us just keeps going away all the time. Don't I'm not planning on going away anytime soon.
[00:50:10] I hope this will be regular, Jack. Okay, great. Back to regular. Back to regular. So, you know, thank you for listening. It's been a while since we've had any reviews posted. If you wouldn't mind. I wonder why. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Great non-episode, guys.
[00:50:28] That's a fair point. So if anyone wants to toss a fun review on there, that'd be great. And if not, you know, we'll see you next week. And you got an email about a potential sponsorship I sent to you. I saw that. I'm going to read it.
[00:50:43] I'm going to read it as soon as we're done recording. Okay. And don't worry, silent partners, you'll still be our number one boo, but. That's right. But, you know, we like the money. Salt Bay. Goodbye, Brian. Bye, Jack. Goodbye, America. Goodbye, America.
[00:51:01] I mean, like the country's going down the tubes. Not I'm not saying goodbye to end a show just like America is going to end as we know it. Goodbye, America.