Captain Unamerican Has a Pringles Pal

[00:00:00] Jack! Where? No, you're Jack, Jack. No, he's my favorite. I don't know if you've listened to the show before, but he's my favorite guy. I do not have the time to listen to this show, Jack. Well, you should. It is. I've really come around on it. I used to hate it. Yeah. But lately, it's just gotten so good. Got some nice emails from people. Yes. And some Twitters. Some Twitters. I don't know if you saw the Twitters. Guy gave me grief for coming out on a Tuesday.

[00:00:30] That's great. So yeah, I'm here, Brian. I'm here. Let's do some sort of show. Well, I just wanted to tell you about my friend Brad. Oh, I love Brad. Yeah, he's the director. Yep. And he thinks you are one of the most undiscovered talents of the 21st century. Agreed. He's just always talking about you and, you know, he's directed plenty of cool things, but he always gets these little projects. He's always like, Dad, bring Jack in on this. I want to see Jack read on it. But, you know, he's very strict because he's successful.

[00:01:00] Because he's strict. And he's strict because when you audition for him, you got to read cold. You can't break character. Yeah. Or you're out. Absolutely. And since Brad, this Brad is truly your friend and is truly a successful film and TV director. Yeah, I know I got to be on my game. Yeah. No argument here. So he sent me a script he'd like you to read. Great. It's for a movie he's going to be shooting in Vancouver, Jack. Oh, OK. Because it's save money.

[00:01:28] Vancouver is cheaper than shooting in Los Angeles because the idiots there shot themselves in the foot by making production so expensive. That's right. He spends a lot of time not in California. And then after shooting themselves in the foot, they were immediately released back in the streets. That's right. In New York so that they could push people in front of the subway. Anyway, that's a beautiful it's the circle life. OK, I've just gotten this. OK, yeah. So this is this is a script for a movie called Century 22.

[00:01:54] Oh, cool. Brad would like you to read for the role of Jeremy, the real estate agent. Oh, OK. And if you have the script, let's take it away. Cold read, Jack. Interior, new house, daytime. Jeremy, the real estate agent. That's you, Jack. Yeah. Is walking through the property with Brendan. I'll be playing Brendan. His prospective client. And here we have the primary bedroom. Primary? You mean the master bedroom?

[00:02:22] Well, we say primary now because master invokes images of an evil white guy from Georgia whacking a black man with a belt. Wait, it does? Well, that's what I was told by the National Association of Realtors, which is like the word of God if you're an agent. Jeez. Oh, OK. And this, of course, is the primary bath. As you can see, it has a double vanity. Oh, his and her sinks. I like it.

[00:02:47] Ah, well, the National Association of Realtors says dual sinks because his and hers suggest a gender binary. Also, some couples are him him if they like dinkies or her her if they like boobies or him they or her they or they they if they like purple hair. Wow. They really gave this a lot of thought. And if I remember the listing, that door down the hall leads to the in-law suite?

[00:03:15] Yes, that door leads to the multi-generational suite. The National Association of Realtors would like to remind you that not everyone gets married. I'm married and I have in-laws. Then they are going to love the inclusive multi-generational suite. OK, great. Do you or your partner cook? My wife cooks, yes. You don't cook? No, my wife does all the cooking. That's her domain. Oh, OK. I won't tell the National Association of Realtors about that. Thanks.

[00:03:43] She is sure to love the culinary studio. The kitchen? Oh, please don't say the K word. I think you know why. I can't say I do, Jeremy, but I love this butler's pantry. The culinary preparation area is very nice, yes. Ah, I think I get it. Butler's pantry is bad because only rich people have butlers? From the National Association of Realtors to God's ears.

[00:04:09] But this is a $2 million house. Do you have a lot of poor people looking at houses in this price range? Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Follow me to the collective leisure chamber. Which looks like a family room. The National Association of Realtors understands that not everyone can have a family, especially if they then only have a neo-vagina. Got it. Collective leisure chamber. OK, great. Nice. I love the big TV. I'm sorry, the plus size.

[00:04:40] And through this door, we have the... Vehicular emplacement complex. Or is it a climate-killing machine parking place? Garage. It's just a two-car garage, man. Oh, OK, so I can say garage. Awesome. And I'm not sure if I mentioned that the village is a five-minute walk from here. Oh. Seven minutes if you're in a wheelchair. Twelve if you're neurodivergent and have a habit of wandering or forgetting where you are.

[00:05:04] And twenty-eight if you have irritable bowel syndrome and soil yourself, forcing you to come back and change. Here. The National Association of Realtors compiled an inclusive list of the time it will take you to get to the village, depending on where you fall on the identity matrix. Thank you. But why does it say it'll take me five minutes to walk to the village, but if I were gay and dyslexic, it would take me 11 minutes?

[00:05:28] Because the National Association of Realtors assumes a gay dyslexic might meet another yag-yug on the way and do stuff in the bushes. Got it. That is the sound of a guy who did not get the role, Jeff. Unbelievable, because I really crushed it. I felt like I was really inhabited the character. You did. I felt like you were a real estate agent from the beginning to the end,

[00:05:58] except when you broke character, and you know how Brad is about that. Yeah, I mean, like this line here, my last line, because the National Association of Realtors assumes a gay dyslexic might meet another yag-yug on the way and do stuff in the bushes. I mean, first of all, it's hard to read that line and not chuckle. You know, it's just, you got, it's a script. I mean, you just got to cold read these things. You get the role, and then you can make that character yours.

[00:06:28] I know, but not every gay, or if you're a gay dyslexic, yag person, like, runs off into stuff in the bushes. Even that's sort of problematic, isn't it? I, it's a, maybe it's a stereotype, Jack. I don't know. It's just, it doesn't matter. You know, you're not getting this role, which is a bummer, because I was looking forward to this movie. You were? I love real estate agents. I love, I love being around them, listening to them, getting their stories. Oh boy. I don't know.

[00:06:58] This does not seem like a compelling narrative. Well, it doesn't matter. Can I, can I ask you really quickly? Do you know from Brad how the movie ends? Yes. What, how, what, what's the ending between, um, does, does Jeremy sell the house? What happens to Brendan and his family? Uh, he actually winds up buying a condominium. It's a dramatic twist. I guess, but it's not a good movie.

[00:07:25] You just see Jeremy falls down on the beach and screams to the sky. What about my two and a half percent? Woo. That is a tragedy. It is. It's, yeah, it's very sad movie. Wow. It's like the vanishing. Yeah. Well, I'll see you at the 2025 Oscars. I hope so. You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast

[00:07:54] produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack. QMPodcast.com. So Brian. Yeah. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing great. Jack. Great with a capital G. Now I'm so excited to hear that. And I'm so excited. I'm even more excited. Let me put it that way about this weekend. Why?

[00:08:21] Because you and your lovely wife, I believe it's Helga are coming to visit. That's correct, Jack. We are coming to visit you. I mean, finally, you have been here once before. Uh, your lovely wife has never seen, uh, this place. Yep. Uh, finally, after living here for two and a half years, you are both finally coming to visit this weekend. Yep. We're getting in a car. Yep. And then we're getting on a ferry. Yep.

[00:08:49] And then we're getting back in the car and driving to your place. And, and the ferry is so strong that he can just lift your car and, and take it somewhere. Ferry. Ferry. What? I. It's a, it's a boat that takes cars and people. Oh, F E R R Y. Yeah. Sorry. There was a misunderstanding. Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry about that. Yeah. No. Okay. Oh, well that makes sense then. So it's very exciting.

[00:09:14] What is, um, what is your wife most excited about for her visit here? Uh, she wants to criticize your wife's cooking. She's going to scrutinize everything she does. Uh huh. And just kind of do that little, like one I raised, you know, she's like seasoning. Yeah. Watching your wife season something. And my wife was going to do that. Look like, are you doing that wrong? Yeah.

[00:09:40] I'm going to be completely honest that we're a little nervous to have you over for the food portion of the visit. Yeah. I mean, why? Cause it's going to be incredibly scrutinized. Yes. Cause it's, it's, I feel like you guys have a certain, um, level of standard that you're used to in your lives. And I don't know if we can always meet that standard. We just like exquisite meals.

[00:10:12] All right. Well, let me just set expectations like about what you sort of expect for the whole weekend, including the meal. Let's start there. What is it? So we can hopefully meet your expectations. What is it you sort of expect us to have? Cause we were going sort of for like, we're making some cheesy potatoes and then some sort of meat, maybe a steak, maybe a pork type of thing. My wife, when she gets out of the car, will immediately make a beeline for the door and then look for the Michelin star rating on the side.

[00:10:43] Okay. Well, I mean, you understand this is a private residence. She doesn't care if it's three, two, one, you know, she just wants to get an idea. If you're, if you're in the zone, you know what I'm saying? Her zone, her cooking zone. Yeah. Didn't you rescue her from like a mud hut in Poland as a illegal immigrant? I mean, didn't she eat like grubs for the first 18 years of her life? No, we ate grubs when we went to Namibia. That's true. Actually big, big white grub worms.

[00:11:11] And I got to tell you, I'm not a fan. I like, I appreciate other cultures, foods, but grub worms are, you know, it's a, it's a bridge too far. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll try it, but I'm not going to snack on it. But so the point is, isn't a woman like that who, who, who comes from such a simple, humble, um, Communism. You can just call it communism. Thank you. She came from communism.

[00:11:40] And she's going to come to my home and, and criticize the, the Michelin stars situation. Well, don't forget, she came from communism, but her family was actually very wealthy. Oh. Cause she had two potatoes, which is one potato more than all of her neighbors. That's, that's huge. What, what are their, what did they do with that? That, um, abundance? They just lured it over everybody else in the village. Mm-hmm.

[00:12:10] So they kind of, the dad would put the two potatoes on the, on the hood of the car and drive very slowly through the village because the car itself was a piece of crap. It was a Fiat one 26. Sure. But you know, he put it on and they would just drive through the village with the two potatoes and the hood. And then, you know, people would just kind of stand on the side of the road and observe and watch me like those people are very wealthy. And, and he had permission to use the village's car that day. Yeah.

[00:12:40] It's on rotation. Right. You know, it was shared like the tractor. It was a community car, community tractor, community sickle. Yeah. Well, of course. And then of course your wife. Yeah. I mean, I mean, everybody's shared there. That's communism, Jack. Okay. And it's the one, it's the one thing that she still hasn't been able to shed. Which is? The idea that every, she's everybody's, she belongs to everybody. Right.

[00:13:09] And it's hard for me sometimes, but I've learned to accept it. And yet I come over, give her a hug, hello, squeeze her boobies and say, mine, mine, mine. And she gets all uppity. Yeah. Because, you know, I, I've told her that she doesn't have to do this. Yeah. But now with the podcast part, I mean like podcasters before hoes, I think. Right. She doesn't like glasses, Jack. Oh God.

[00:13:37] I do wear glasses for people who don't know. And you're half deaf. I am also half deaf. And you know, the few times she had come on to you, it was apparently to the wrong ear. So you didn't even hear it. So she thought you were ignoring her. Oh no. And after that, she said, I want nothing to do with this man who ignores me. No. No. Viva la communism. No, I would have destroyed my marriage. I would have destroyed this show for a shot at that. Are you kidding?

[00:14:06] Well, there's always my next wife, Jack. I, well, I, I hope so. And I would like to have more of a say in this one. I will run it by you. In fact, I will not, when I get divorced and get on Tinder, I will run all my swipes by you. That's, I would really appreciate that. Thank you. You are welcome. So, okay. So she's going to be, she's going to come to the house, look for the Michelin star rating. And then what is the expectation for, for appetizers, snacks, drinks, and dinner?

[00:14:34] Well, you know, she, she's hoping for caviar. I heard her sleeping last night and she was talking in her sleep and she said, oh, this caviar is, is wonderful. And all this foie gras is so great. Wow. Yeah. She speaks in complete English sentences in her? Yeah. I mean, it's a little accent and this foie gras is so great. And this caviar is so delicious. Thank you, Jack and your wife for giving to me these things.

[00:15:03] Well, we have, we have Ritz crackers and expired cheese. Do you have Ratafia to wash it down? Is that like her great grandfather? No, it's a beverage. It's a sparkling wine that she's very partial to. Oh no. We have, I could put some like fizzy Mountain Dew into like a bottle of Rosé. Do you have a Cremont d'Alsace? Hold on. Let me check my boxes of wine here. Hold on.

[00:15:32] No, I don't see. Nope. What? No. When we get there, I'll do a quick rundown to your wine cellar. Oh yeah. That's not going to be, that's going to take long. And give you kind of a rundown of what we would, what we would like. And we can start opening bottles to air them out. So they're, they're ready for us. Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm looking at our, our finest wine here is, I don't know how to pronounce this. You're, you're better with the language, but Kirkland. Kirkland.

[00:16:02] Kirkland. Kirkland. Yes. That is a Costco brand, Jack. Oh yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, Costco, big company, uh, it's on the stock market. Like that's gotta be a really fine wine. I have not had a great deal or, or any of the Kirkland wine products. Uh, I'm hopeful that they are of the quality to which my wife is accustomed. Well, I hope so too. And, and now I know cheese is good to age them and stuff like that.

[00:16:31] So we've got, that's why I never throw away our Velveeta. We've got some really nice old Velveeta cheese expired pre pandemic. So it's gotta be like right ready for like a pretty old lady to come to my house and eat it. All right. Well, uh, let's, let's see what happens. You know, things, sometimes cars don't turn on when you want them to. What? And you can't go to your friend's house when you, you try and gasoline prices are high. Yeah. It could be an embargo any minute.

[00:17:01] Yeah. But the tank is full now. I know. But if you think about it, things are so chaotic right now with the department of government efficiency and, and just all the craziness. You never know, you know, gas could be, it could be Mad Max within minutes in this country. And I don't want to be the guy who blew through a tank of gas driving to Connecticut. But, but I'm in Connecticut. That's like, it's like going to six flags for like podcast nerds. What if we meet on the ferry?

[00:17:32] I like, I'm not, that's not my, the lifestyle that I'm interested in, Brian. It's like, I'm sorry, but I, I, I like ladies. I don't know. Well, it's going to be fine. We're going to get there. She's going to, you know, she's going to start evaluating. She's of course, she has her notebook and her cameras because she's going to blog about it. Okay. What? So people can find it real quick. What's the name of her blog? America. Yum.

[00:18:02] It's just her diaries of going through America, eating things. Oh, great. And it's funny because a lot of people take pictures of the food before they eat it, you know, like, Oh, there's this, look at this beautiful sandwich I'm about to dive into, or look at this wonderful platter of, of Wiener schnitzel or whatever. And she only does the after shots. You mean after it comes out of her in poopoos? No, no, no poopoo shots. Jackie get kicked off of Twitter for that.

[00:18:30] Oh, so one thing Elon's against. Okay. You can say Nazi stuff, whatever, but you get kicked off if you do poopoos. So then what, then what is she taking a picture of after a meal? Oh, the empty plate and the crumbs, the aftermath. And she'll write like very, she's very witty. So she'll write these very witty things at the bottom of the post. So you'd see a plate with just a couple of crumbs and maybe a swipe of mustard on it.

[00:18:58] And she'll just on the, she'll write like, so sad is eat. Yeah. That's like you, that's definitely her voice. So I believe you. It's just that wit. It's that Eastern European wit that really comes through in the, in the writing. And she, she had, I remember. Cause I've followed her blog for a while. Just look, frankly, looking for bikini shots or nudes, but I followed her blog.

[00:19:25] And I remember when she posted for your, I think 10 year anniversary, she posted a photo of your wedding photo and had like a really funny caption for that one. Do you remember what she said? Yeah. This is men who forget my 10th anniversary. I remember that one. I actually remember that one too. Yeah. Don't do that. I, I was just trying to set you up for another joke and not the fact that you actually forgot when we were working on the TV show together. Yeah.

[00:19:54] It was not a good time. I forgot that that's actually true. Almost cost me my marriage. Oh my gosh. It was busy with the show. Yes. It's so funny that I accidentally chose that. Well, anyway, thank you, Brian. I can't wait to see you tomorrow, pal. Thanks Jack. We're going to see you tomorrow. So Brian, what I would like to talk about today is, I don't know if you saw this story, but do you remember former president Joe Biden? Vaguely.

[00:20:22] It's a distant memory, but yeah, I do remember some things. That's exactly how he would describe his four years. It's very funny that you say it that way, but there was a news story that came out earlier this week that former president Joe Biden has signed with the powerhouse talent agency, CAA. Yes. Joining us. Creative artist, creative artists agency. That's right. One of the, probably the, the most famous premier, uh, talent agency in the world.

[00:20:52] And certainly in Hollywood. Michael Ovitz. Remember that guy? Of course I do. Of course. Yes. He's the guy who created the package deal. That's just right. So go, if you want this director, you're going to have to use this actor. Yeah. And you're going to have to use this guy and this guy. That way they could make sure they got all the fees and that they never shared with anybody else. That's right. They made a lot of money that way. Yes. It's weird how they're not socialists, uh, when it comes to those sorts of deals. That's correct. Jack, they're capitalists when it comes to that stuff. Huh. I wonder if that's odd.

[00:21:21] Uh, but anyway, so, uh, CAA, a star set of ranks of Hollywood actors, sports legends, uh, singers. It's really is the premier talent agency. And, um, are you still, uh, are you still, what are you? Executive vice president at CAA? I have. Yeah. I mean, executive vice president at large. Cause I don't have an office in Hollywood anymore. Right. I said, I want it out. I want out of Hollywood. And how'd that go? They said, sure. Yeah.

[00:21:53] They could tell I wasn't happy there. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's, that's great. Well, so you're definitely the person to sort of talk to about this. So you must sort of know, you know, when you, when, when a big time agency signs you. Yeah. It's not to then sit on their hands and not make money, especially when you're as old as Joe Biden. Right. Really any day now they could not get a return on that investment. If you know, he's there's, there's definitely more road behind him than in front. That's absolutely right. What a nice way of putting that. Thank you, Jack. He's going to die soon.

[00:22:23] Soup. Not as, not as nice a way to put it. Okay. I'm sorry, Jack. I'm just blunt. And the second. It's the Hollywood in me. I keep hitting refresh on my phone, just waiting to get the news. You know, it's coming. It's coming. So obviously though, CAA must be like, well, we've got to cash in now and we've got to move fast. So I imagine there are all sorts of plans in place. And I want to talk to you about some of CAA's Joe Biden plans. Yeah. First of all, I cannot believe this. Joe Biden has written a screenplay already. Yeah.

[00:22:53] That's wild. So what I did, I don't know, maybe he was doing this over the four years he was in office or before. Yeah. Everyone, you know, has a screenplay in their desk. Tell us about the screenplay and what the movie's about and, you know, how they're going to try and package it and sell it. Well, I, you know, Joe has always fancied himself as kind of like a James Bond kind of character. Hmm. Okay. You know, kind of a suave, debonair kind of dude and getting all the ladies.

[00:23:24] And, and so he's kind of, he's created his own, uh, kind of a secret agent. Okay. As it were. Hmm. And, um, and so this is the, this is the initial episode is he's hoping that it's going to be a series, a long running series. Okay. But of course we know that, you know, when the time comes, there'll be a new agent. So he goes by agent B. Okay. It's called agent B. Okay. The best agent in the world.

[00:23:54] Okay. All right. And, you know, and like Bond, he's got a lot of, you know, little, little signature things. So like at the beginning of every episode, there's a gentleman who's from the CIA who gives him a gadget that eventually comes useful later on in the movie. Sort of the Q character. If Bond fans out there. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. But the problem is, you know, it gives him a, it gives him a pen that is actually like

[00:24:24] a high powered laser. Yeah. Yeah. And then he takes the pen and he can't remember where he put it. So when the time comes, he's kind of like, I had a, I swear to God, I had a pen. I could use that pen right now. I wish I had that pen. It was such a powerful laser pen. Uh-huh. And, you know, the audience is screaming because they know that he left it, you know, back in the house, you know, next to the picture of his wife. Right. Just sitting on the counter. And they, everybody knows, everybody knows this.

[00:24:54] And they're screaming in the theater, like, oh my God, it's back at your fricking house. Go back to the. And he's just, ah, man, I'm in big trouble now that, that shark's coming at me and I have no way to defend myself. Oh gosh. And so, so in this movie, in this, in the series, what agent B must have sort of a nemesis, right? Yes. Uh, he calls him the evil orange man. Oh geez. And so apparently he's an evil orange man. Okay.

[00:25:24] Who's out to destroy the world. Mm-hmm. Cause he's a racist, fascist, Hitler. Sure. And he's out, he's going to come destroy the world and it's up to agent B to stop that from happening. Wow. Exciting. Yeah. And so how in the, so how does the series end? You know, season one, cause I mean, they can't be season two. How does season one end? Uh, not so great. Oh no.

[00:25:48] Cause agent B, you know, wants to defeat the orange evil man, but then he falls down a flight of stairs. He breaks his hip. So he's immobile. He's not going anywhere anytime soon. The worst James Bond story ever. Okay. It's not James Bond. It's agent B agent B. I'm sorry. And so now the problem is, all right, well, he's kind of out of commission, but he's got to stop the evil orange man. Mm-hmm. So he calls his friend, agent K.

[00:26:18] Uh, okay. And, uh, you know, he doesn't realize that agent K is so poorly trained that she just doesn't have a chance of stopping the evil orange man. Mm-hmm. But he doesn't know. He puts all his hope and trust in agent K to bring down the evil orange man. And so then she's sneaking up on him and then she falls down a flight of stairs, breaks her hip.

[00:26:49] Right. It's just a mess. It sounds like a narrative mess. And so, and, and does, does Dr. No-Ancy Pelosi push him down the stairs to get him out? Well, it turns out that, you know, Dr. Nance knew that, uh, that agent B might not be up

[00:27:15] to the task of stopping this, this, his nemesis, the arch nemesis. So she was the one who pushed him down the flight of stairs, breaking his hip, taking him out of commission. Right. And, uh, okay. Well, that's interesting. And there's the last question about this and let's move on. James Bond famously, um, asked for a, a martini shake and not stirred. Yes. James, I'm sorry.

[00:27:42] Uh, agent B in this also has sort of like a sexy drink order as well. Would you mind sort of sharing us, uh, with us the, the, the cool line that he has when he orders a drink? Yeah. He's, he says, I'll have a cup of noodles. He's not drinking as much, but he loves noodles. So he just saunches up to the bar in his tuxedo and he sits down and he sees the bartender,

[00:28:12] beautiful bartender. Love it. And he calls her in close and he gives her a big sniff. And then he says, I'll have a cup of noodles. Sounds really bad, man. Well, we're working, you know, we, you know, we're, we're going to try to, we're going to bring in a script team to polish it. Right. We got the guy from show girls. He's going to punch it up. Okay.

[00:28:39] What for, from the, the show girls guy, what, what was the, the part of the story that made you be like, when he pitched you his take on this, what was his idea that made you think we got to hire this guy? There wasn't enough cleavage in the story. Okay. It was, you know, agent B, you know, and just him stumbling around sniffing people. It just wasn't, it was lacking. It was no sex appeal. And agent K wasn't doing it in the screen tests. And sure.

[00:29:09] Test audience was not, not liking it. Yep. The internal polling was not good. Okay. And so, um, another thing CA is so good at this is finding like easy slam dunk, like endorsement sponsorship types of things. Yeah. You know, Sydney Sweeney, who we've discussed on the podcast recently is, is one of these a list, you know, in the new era of, of Hollywood stars, it's not unbecoming to like, you know,

[00:29:39] sell out and, and be the spokesman for, you know, gosh, I don't know for a, a manscaped or that sort of thing. Like stars are getting these sponsorship deals and, and I assume or endorsement deals. I assume Biden has some lined up. Can you talk us through some of those? Yeah. Well, so we struck a deal, uh, and it's, it's going to be big. It's going to be very big. It's going to be like, Hey, it's Joe Biden. You're Pringles pal. You're Pringles pal. Yeah. Yeah. It's Joe Biden.

[00:30:09] You're Pringles pal. And so all the Pringles packaging is going, you know how they usually have that weird guy with the little mustache on it. Of course. It's going to be, instead, it's going to be Joe Biden. They're changing it. He's going to be the Pringles pal. Mm-hmm. And he's just going to kind of sit there with kind of a, you know, half vacant, half hungry look on his face. They kind of make you like, you, you look at him and be like, is he thinking about Pringles? Is he hungry? Does he know where, where these Pringles are? Like that, you know, how to open the can. We don't know. Right. It's like a miss.

[00:30:39] It's an enigma, but he's going to, and we have like, we have all different flavors of Pringles that he's going to be your Pringles pal for. What are some of the new flavors of Pringles that Joe Biden will be endorsing? Well, defeat. And it's, and what we did was we engineered a Pringle that completely falls apart as soon as you put it in your mouth. Because you know how sometimes you put in a Pringle, you can suck on the Pringle and kind of enjoy the Pringleness. Of course. Not with defeat flavored Pringles.

[00:31:07] They just, they break apart as they're coming out of the can. You put them in your mouth, they kind of fall apart. And the flavors all over the place. And then Joe Biden comes out, scoops up all the broken Pringles and says, nothing wrong here. Nothing wrong with these Pringles. These are great. Okay. Well, that's interesting. Okay. So defeat. What are the new flavors of Pringles?

[00:31:35] Just, just out of curiosity, it could be Joe Biden endorsed or not. What are some other Pringle flavors we have to look forward to? Well, there's evil orange man flavor. It's a running theme. Yeah. I can see that. It's a Dorito. It's a Dorito colored. Right. But it tastes like marble, pink marble. Okay. As an homage to the, the lifestyle of the commander in chief. Right.

[00:32:04] These Pringles are named after. Right. He loves pink marble, Jack and brass. Yeah. That's nice. There's an Afghanistan flavor. Mm-hmm. Pringle. Mm-hmm. That is, you put it in your mouth and the flavor just disappears almost immediately. Uh-huh. There's hunter flavor. Oh my gosh. What? Tell me about hunter flavor. It just sounds, it's basically a medley of different perfumes that whores would wear.

[00:32:38] Okay. Sure. And it's a bitter aftertaste like cocaine. Wow. That's so Joe Biden. It is very Biden. It's so Joe is what we say around the office. Yeah. And then. At CAA. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you guys are changing the final question about this. You guys are changing the once you pop, you don't, you can't stop the slogan. Yes. Okay. Because I mean, once you pop, you can't stop. I mean, that's pretty iconic. But it doesn't work with Joe Biden, your Pringles pal. Yeah.

[00:33:09] With your Pringles. So what does the Pringles pal tell people to do with the Pringles? Once you pop, it's over. Well, in Hunter's case, once you pop, it's time to put the money on the nightstand, I believe. Yeah. But these, you know, that's a different promotional deal. Okay. Once you pop, it's all over. Once you pop, it's all over. That seems, it seems sad.

[00:33:39] Well, the alternative was, you know, what's this in my mouth? See, that commercial I would tune in for. Yeah. The idea being you take a Pringles, you open the can and then you put in, and then you don't remember that you just did that. Right. And then you're just like, what is this thing in my mouth? What is this flat round thing in my mouth? Right. Right. Whew. Okay. Well, you know, Brian, you know, thanks for sharing all that.

[00:34:08] And I'm, I'm just really excited to, to learn so much about this and to see all the success that you guys have. It's going to be an exciting couple of weeks with, with Joe and the CAA roster. I'll tell you that. Jack. Brian. You know, my friend, Brad, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he sent me another script. Okay. Okay. Wants you to be in it. Okay. It's called Aristotle. Aristotle. Aristotle.

[00:34:39] It's a, it's a movie. He's shooting it in Montreal, Jack. Okay. Because LA is too expensive. He wants you to play the role of Aristotle. Okay. Okay. So, so this is the lead in the movie. Oh, huge. Okay. You'd be playing the role of a gentleman named Aristotle. Okay. So, uh, you, are you ready to read it? Yeah, of course. Uh, anything else I should know about the movie? Nope. It's nope. This scene is set in the interior primary master bedroom. Oh boy. Nighttime. Okay.

[00:35:09] Master bedroom. Here we go. I'm playing the role of Bart. Bart hears a noise and wakes up using the flashlight on his phone. He looks under the bed and sees Aristotle. Whoa. What the heck? Who are you and what are you doing under my bed? Oh, greetings, my good fellow. I am Aristotle, philosopher and seeker of wisdom. It appears I have rather inadvertently taken refuge beneath your bed. Aristotle, the Aristotle. I'm sorry, but how on earth did you end up here?

[00:35:39] Time that most curious of rivers has led me through many an epoch. In my quest for contemplation and solitude, I found myself rummaging through your teenage daughter's panty drawer. When I decided it would be prudent to take a rest and contemplate the world around me, I found this quiet haven beneath your bed to be unexpectedly conducive to thought. Plus, I couldn't fit under her Ikea bed. That's incredible.

[00:36:07] I never imagined I'd find an ancient philosopher hiding under my bed. What exactly are you doing here? Well, I have been pondering the nature of virtue, of course, the structure of society and the eternal questions that bind us all. In the stillness of this small space, I hope to achieve clarity away from the distractions of a noisy world. Plus, I have these panties I nabbed. Is that creepy? Definitely worth thinking about.

[00:36:34] But I have to ask, Aristotle, isn't there a more conventional spot for a philosopher to ruminate than, say, under someone's bed? Oh, conventionality, dear sir, is often the enemy of genuine insight. Just as one must sometimes venture off the beaten path to uncover truth, so must one occasionally hide in the most unassuming of places with an 18-year-old's panties.

[00:36:59] So while you were hiding, did you happen to come up with any brilliant insights about modern life? Indeed, I have observed that the pursuit of wisdom remains timeless. Yet, the manners in which people seek distraction have evolved. Perhaps even beneath your bed, I can discern a lesson. That order may be found amid chaos if one is willing to look. Also, I think the universe is shaped like these panties. That's pretty deep, Aristotle.

[00:37:28] I never expected to have a philosophical chat with a time-traveling Aristotle in my own home. How about we get you out from under there and then maybe you can share some more of that wisdom over a cup of coffee? An excellent proposal. I shall emerge from my temporary refuge and we may engage in a dialogue most enlightening. After all, the art of conversation is a vital exercise in the pursuit of truth. All right then, Aristotle. Follow me to the kitchen.

[00:37:57] Wisdom is like a teenage woman's panties. You find it in the most unexpected places. Okay. I mean, weird but deep, I guess? I just need to use your primary bathroom if you don't mind. Won't be but a minute. I haven't philosophized myself in quite some time. I don't know. That's some sort of weird off-brand Lolita. I don't like-

[00:38:25] You could have played Aristotle. He wanted you to play Aristotle. He saw you as Aristotle. Which would be cool if it was for my mind, but I feel like he is more drawn to my perversions. I don't know, but I think he was really just- that's a bummer. He's going to be really bummed about that. Well, I'm sorry. It's humiliating, I'll be honest. It's okay. Aristotle. Aristotle. Shooting in Montreal. Okay.

[00:38:55] Good luck, Brad. Thanks, Jack. No, not you. Good luck, Brad. Brian. Yes, Jack? You know, this is a little bit risky because we do not have a lot of time, but I wanted to talk about one story very quickly. Yes. I don't know if you saw. Anthony Mackie, the gentleman who plays Captain America. He took over for Chris Evans and plays Captain America in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Of course, you know me.

[00:39:23] I'm all about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Absolutely. Absolutely. And Mackie has taken over the role of Captain America, and they have a new movie coming out. I believe it comes out on Valentine's Day, February 14th. And in talking about Captain America at a recent screening in Europe, Mackie had some interesting things to say about the role. And he said, quote, for me, Captain America represents a lot of different things, and I

[00:39:50] don't think the term America should be one of those representations. It's about a man who keeps his word, who has honor, dignity, and integrity. Someone who is trustworthy and dependable. So none of those things to Captain America are American. Huh. It feels like they might damage the brand. What? That's crazy.

[00:40:18] Well, so I just wanted to say, you know, I know you've seen the movie. And so just really quickly, you know, can you go through some of the other sort of things that might surprise people about what Captain America stands for? Like, because normally he's a pretty patriotic guy. Like he fought in World War I. Yeah. You know, he's basically tried to defend the country that he loves. Yeah. At great personal risk to himself and everyone that he loves. So tell us about the new Captain America, Brian.

[00:40:47] Well, Jack, the new Captain America is, it's just, you know, it's, it's more, I would say, aware of, of things. I don't want to use the term woke. Sure. But the new Captain America, Jack, is more about social justice. Okay. And, and, you know, realizes that America is rooted in systemic racism and white supremacy, Jack. Basically, Captain America is self-loathing now. Okay.

[00:41:16] That's okay. That's pretty American. Yeah. And when he, he has his shield, his famous shield. Yeah. But he takes it out and he just hits himself over the head with it. Repeatedly. Just keeps hitting himself in the head. Uh-huh. And he just keeps saying, America sucks. Just whacks himself on the head with the shield. God. And, and what, you know, famously the star, there's the star in the center of the shield and it's, you know, sort of red and white circles.

[00:41:46] Iconic. Everyone knows Captain America's shield. But I guess there's a redesign in this new movie. Yep. It's just, it's, it's Elon Musk doing a Nazi salute on the shield. That's, that's really timely. And, and, and it just says like, and in writing around the shield, it just says, I don't know what you know, but I know it was a Nazi salute. That's all I'm saying. All that is written underneath on the shield?

[00:42:15] On the shield in a circle. It goes around the edges of the shield. Yep. Okay. Yes. Really? These ham-handed preachy movies, man. It's a, it's a little bit preachy. Okay. And then I know that they, they work capitalism into the movie, especially, you know, sort of the, the, you know, the, the climax of the movie is a sort of a capitalist message. Yeah. Well, there's like, there's a, there's a billionaire and he's sitting on the top of a tall building

[00:42:45] and he's throwing rocks at poor people like billionaires do. Yeah. Doing billionaire things. He's got a pile of rocks on top of the skyscraper and he's throwing the rocks down there and Captain America is down in the bottom and he, he looks up and he's shielding people with his shield. It's the one time he's not hitting himself in the head with it. Right. He's using the shield to block the rocks. Okay. Cool. The same people. I like that.

[00:43:11] And he runs and he sees Ayanna Pressley about to be hit by a, by a rock and he runs over and he shields her. Yep. And then he looks over and he sees a Ocasio Cortez and he runs over and he shields her. Yeah. And then the whole squad gets together and they're like, we need to destroy capitalism. And they're like, how do we do that? And like, I don't know, but it's going to take a lot of money. And then they're like, well, how are we going to raise this money?

[00:43:39] Well, let's start a company that's very profitable. Use that money to defeat capitalism. Ah. So they start a company. Okay. It's called Timu. Okay. They make low quality products, Jack. Yeah, they sure do. For not a lot of money, but if you sell enough of it, you make some serious money. Right.

[00:44:08] So they start selling Captain America shields with the Elon Musk Nazi salute. Right. And they sell like gangbusters. Mm-hmm. Except when people get them, they don't realize they're only three inches wide. The picture was misleading. Uh-huh. They're very disappointed. Uh-huh. And so people are writing letters of complaint. Mm-hmm. So they start a stamp company. They start a stamp company. Because people are writing letters of complaint. Okay.

[00:44:37] And the stamps are $25 a piece. And that's where they get their cash. Uh-huh. And then they have enough money that they buy a blimp. What? This is, what, this is a mess. Okay. Captain America's standing on top of the blimp. And the blimp's called Bad Year. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And then underneath it says, Because America Sucks. Uh-huh. And he's standing on top of the blimp. And the blimp approaches the skyscraper where the billionaire is still throwing rocks.

[00:45:07] Because that's what he does. Yeah, of course. And Captain America does this big thing. He runs down the blimp. Like off from the top. And then jumps off and lands on the billionaire. And there's a huge fight scene. Mm-hmm. And the billionaire's like, I'm going to defeat you with my white supremacy. Also, I genocided the Indians. And he's laughing about it. Right. That's, yeah, that's what rich whites do.

[00:45:35] And Captain America's like, oh, you white people so bad. Yep, yep. And then he starts whacking him with the shields. The second time he's using the shield for a purpose other than whacking himself. Right. And he hits the billionaire several times. And the billionaire's arrested. And goes to jail. Mm-hmm. And when he's in jail, it's revealed he's got a lot of connections. Oh, okay.

[00:46:02] He can put a lot of people, get a lot of people in trouble, Jack. Uh-huh. So what happens? What happens? The security guards fall asleep. Mm-hmm. And when they wake up, the billionaire has committed suicide in his cell. Oh, my God. By stabbing himself 43 times. Ha ha ha ha ha. Case closed, Jack. Case closed. That's how so many of those people kill themselves. That's right, Jack. Captain America. Whew.

[00:46:33] Well, you know, thank you. I know that was a quickie. Thank you for the quick rundown. Sure. I'm going to be honest. I'm not going to go see that. It sounds awful. It does sound pretty bad. I'm not a big comic book person myself. Mm-hmm. So I've never really been into the Marvel universe and the other one. Right, DC. But oddly, though, just very quickly, one last thing. You did start your own comic book. I don't think it was even superheroes, but you've started.

[00:47:00] You put a lot of money and time into your own comic book. What was the name of the comic book that you started? My comic book? Yeah. It was called Fuck Tintin. It was an anti-Tintin comic. Why? I don't like little red-haired French kids. You know me. No, we all know that. But there's, I mean, can you say that and release a book with a swear word like that?

[00:47:30] Well, the sensitivity readers had a problem with it. They asked me to reconsider the title. Okay, and? How am I going to do that if that's the whole point of this book? I mean, look at my main character. Look at the tattoo on his forehead. What does the tattoo say? Fuck Tintin. Really hates him. But you're really going for that message. I'm surprised you didn't put it on Captain America's shield. No, no. This is my property. My intellectual property.

[00:48:00] Right. And so, what? Just front line, two sentences. What happens in the Fuck Tintin comic book series that you wrote? He fucks Tintin. Who does? My character. What? Based on you? No, it's based on Dylan Mulvaney. You're a mess. You're a weird person.

[00:48:30] Sorry. Okay. Jack. Yes, Brian. Brad sent me a third script. And there's a chance you could get this role if you play your cards right. I'm ready to go. Let's go. The movie is called Allahu Akbar. Okay. Allahu Akbar. Yeah, it's set in Iraq. And it's shot in British Columbia, Jack.

[00:49:02] Yeah. Well, I mean. It's too expensive. It's too dangerous to shoot in Iraq. And it's too expensive to shoot in Los Angeles. Yes. Well, I mean, if there's one thing about British Columbia, they say it's the Northwest's Baghdad. That's right. That's a lot. Once you get past all the beautiful mountains and trees, there's a big desert-y area out there somewhere. Sure. So they're shot there. Now, Brad thinks you would be great for the role of Joe Hamid. Joe Hamid. Okay. Joe Hamid. Okay.

[00:49:32] And you ready? I'm ready. Let's do this. Please just stay in character. Okay, I will. Well, exterior Iraqi street daytime. A large SUV drives past at a rapid speed. We see Joe Hamid Al Jazeera step out of an alleyway with an AK-47 automatic rifle. He fires toward the driver of the SUV and hits him. The SUV slams into a crowd of schoolchildren standing on the side of the road, pinning two of them against an Apple vendor's cart. They scream.

[00:50:01] The driver slumps over the steering wheel dead. The car bursts into flames from leaking gasoline. God is great! Perfect. A passenger gets out of the car covered in flames. He runs screaming in pain. Joe Hamid aims at him and fires his AK-47. The passenger falls, still writhing in pain and screaming. Yeah! God is great! Joe Hamid stands over the burning man and fires his rifle at him. The man's head explodes in a bloody mist. Brain matter splatters all over the road.

[00:50:32] Woohoo! God is great! God is so great! The tailgate of the burning SUV pops open and five adorable puppies emerge, all of them limping because of injuries. Joe Hamid approaches the first one and stomps on it. It squishes. God is great! He chases after the others, stomping on each one. God is great! Squish. God is great! Squish. God is great! Squish. God is great!

[00:51:01] He loves when I smush puppies. Joe Hamid looks up and sees Santa Claus flying in his sleigh. He sprays Santa with automatic gunfire. Santa's lifeless body falls from the sky. With the death of Santa, the eight reindeer and Rudolph all lose their magical abilities and plummet to earth, dying on impact. God is great! A wonderful old woman loved by everyone who knew her witnesses the carnage. And drops dead of a heart attack. Joe Hamid sees this and runs over to her.

[00:51:31] Serves her right for exposing her ankle. God is great! Joe Hamid sees a ten-year-old schoolgirl cowering in the doorway. She is crying and pointing to her dead friends. Joe Hamid approaches and smiles warmly at her. He points his weapon away from her to show that he means no harm. We should get married! Brian! Shoot!

[00:52:01] That is some questionable material, I'll tell you that. Jeez! Damn it, I'm sorry. That... Brad's gonna be disappointed. That was so problematic. Why? I mean, it was just... It just... But that's why... But we're not gonna cut it, because the promise of the show is questionable material.

[00:52:28] There are gonna be things on here that we're just trying to tell some jokes that people are not gonna like. You know, terrorists are terrorists, Jack. Good point. That's right. And God is great, you know that? He is awesome. He's great, yeah. He's awesome. Well, Brian, I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Tomorrow, Jack. Big day for us. Yeah, a lot of driving. A lot of screaming, yelling. And then we'll get to your house. Well, I can't wait.

[00:52:56] And has your wife full body shaved yet? She has... She's waxing right now. Oh, gosh. She's sitting in a wax jacuzzi. And then they get out... How long has she been in? She's been in there since I've been doing this podcast. I was actually supposed to peel her before. Mm-hmm. But I just told her to hang tight. Okay. And she understands what that means? You know, there's always that... She kind of looks at you quizzically, and I'm not sure she understands what I said.

[00:53:25] Sounds like you have a rock-solid marriage, bro. It's pretty great, Jack. Yeah. That's awesome. Well, Brian, we'll see you tomorrow. And to our dear listeners, we'll see you next week if you haven't unsubscribed after the horrible anti-Muslim screen. It's not anti-Muslim. I know it's not. I know it's not.

[00:53:53] That was Questionable Material with Jack and Brian. Subscribe on any podcast platform. Visit us at QMPodcast.com. Thank you. Thank you.