Biden On Broadway - The Musical

[00:00:01] Brian, Yeah Jack, Why are we in a Broadway theater? Because I brought you to a Broadway show that I am putting on. Wait, you wrote this? I know I told you I've been gone a lot because of humanitarian aid. I lied. But I've been so proud of you. You shouldn't have been. I've been working on a Broadway play. This is really impressive. Thank you Jack. The show's about to start. I can see that everyone's glaring at me for whispering. Yeah. And for bringing a podcast microphone to a Broadway show.

[00:00:31] It's okay. It's my Broadway show, Jack. What's the name of your show? Biden On Broadway. That's amazing. And who's that character? That's Joe Biden's chief of staff. He's very concerned. Why? Shh!

[00:00:48] He walked into the room last night, strange look on his face. I asked him what the matter was and he asked, what's this place? I said it was the Oval Office. Do you not recall? He looked around and cocked his head and said, no, not at all.

[00:01:05] Gotta keep it quiet. Gotta keep it hush. The president is elderly and his brain is mush. The election day is looming. The voters cannot know. We're counting on the media to keep that fact down low.

[00:01:20] He was speaking in New Hampshire. He was speaking in New Hampshire, but he thought it was Vermont. He called Ukraine Iraq instead. Man, I kid you not.

[00:01:35] Speaking with Theresa May, he called her Margaret Thatcher. People are starting to suspect that something is the matter.

[00:01:43] Gotta keep it quiet. Gotta keep it hush. The president is elderly and his brain is mush. Election day is looming. The voters cannot know. We're counting on the media to keep that fact down low.

[00:01:58] He mumbles and he mutters. He ruffles and he mutters. That looks bad and it must stop. Don't even get me started about the legend of Kornhop. He wanders off the stage until Jill guides him to his seat. His polls are in the toilet. I don't think Trump can be beat.

[00:02:13] Gotta keep it quiet. Gotta keep it hush. The president is elderly and his brain is mush. Election day is looming. The voters cannot know. We're counting on the media to keep that fact down low.

[00:02:28] We'll say that he is sharp as always. Everything is fine. Debate is coming.

[00:02:41] And that he's gonna sharp.

[00:03:00] That was like really good. You wrote this musical?

[00:03:03] Yes, I did, Jack. I'm good with lyrics thanks to my advertising background.

[00:03:07] So what's happening in this scene right here?

[00:03:09] Well, you saw the debate, right?

[00:03:11] Of course.

[00:03:11] You know, they kind of kicked him to the curb?

[00:03:13] Yeah, yeah. It was really embarrassing.

[00:03:15] Yeah, well, he's pissed off and he has a plan.

[00:03:17] Woo!

[00:03:18] For as long as I remember, I wanted to have this job.

[00:03:23] And finally, I got it because Trump's a vulgar slob.

[00:03:28] Just one term I told the public, just one term I'd say.

[00:03:32] But once you are the president, it's hard to walk away.

[00:03:40] And so I went back on my word.

[00:03:43] I sought a second term.

[00:03:45] I figured that I had a chance against that vulgar worm.

[00:03:49] My approval rating was not good.

[00:03:52] It would not be easy.

[00:03:54] But I told myself that my opponent was more sleazy.

[00:04:01] Dr. Jill agreed with me.

[00:04:03] She said that I should do it.

[00:04:06] But as I left the debate stage, her eyes told me I blew it.

[00:04:10] I looked real bad.

[00:04:12] The DNC's sad.

[00:04:13] I fumbled the debate.

[00:04:15] It's very clear.

[00:04:16] They don't want me here.

[00:04:18] I must face my fate.

[00:04:23] Schumer and Pelosi have their night out, I can tell.

[00:04:28] They've said I need to step aside or they make my life hell.

[00:04:32] They tell me I don't have a chance.

[00:04:34] I can't win this time.

[00:04:36] My debate performance showed my cognitive decline.

[00:04:44] Well, they think that they can kick me out, that I'm just gonna leave.

[00:04:49] But old Joe has a trick or two underneath his sleeve.

[00:04:55] I got some bad news, Nancy Chuck and the DNC.

[00:04:59] I am going to endorse someone even worse than me.

[00:05:07] I am going to endorse someone even worse than me.

[00:05:13] I am going to endorse someone even worse than me.

[00:05:24] Wow, is that what really happened?

[00:05:26] Probably.

[00:05:26] How else could you explain it?

[00:05:28] I don't know.

[00:05:28] You wrote the musical.

[00:05:29] I assume you did some research.

[00:05:31] I just kind of winged it.

[00:05:33] Okay, so now what happens?

[00:05:34] Well, now they have to sell the new candidate.

[00:05:37] That makes sense, but how do they do that?

[00:05:39] The only way they know how, Jack.

[00:05:42] Huh.

[00:05:42] The Afghan pullout didn't go great.

[00:05:46] And wide open inflation's enraging gas.

[00:06:06] So give us a bruce kind of insane.

[00:06:53] Shouldn't change sex, but Hollywood's...

[00:07:47] Wait, that was their campaign?

[00:07:49] Yeah.

[00:07:50] That seems really crazy to me.

[00:07:51] Then what happened?

[00:07:52] Election night, Jack.

[00:07:54] Oh yeah, I remember that.

[00:07:55] And what happened?

[00:07:57] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

[00:07:58] We had three months to make the case for Kamala and Tim.

[00:08:04] And now it's time to show the world that when we vote, we win.

[00:08:11] The race is close, as you may know.

[00:08:14] We're as surprised as you.

[00:08:19] A wave is coming.

[00:08:20] End of the race.

[00:08:31] We made our case.

[00:08:32] We ran a flawless.

[00:08:55] End of the race.

[00:08:56] We made our case.

[00:08:58] We ran a flawless.

[00:09:02] Did you hear what they said?

[00:09:04] They just called another steak, Fred.

[00:09:08] Another and another.

[00:09:24] We didn't just lose.

[00:09:30] All it.

[00:09:30] We can't even blame.

[00:09:32] We lost the race.

[00:09:41] Having made our case.

[00:09:43] Why?

[00:09:53] We lost the race.

[00:09:54] Having made our case.

[00:09:55] Not see that coming, Brian.

[00:10:07] It was a big surprise to many people, Jack.

[00:10:09] Okay, now who's that lady?

[00:10:11] She's playing Kamala.

[00:10:13] Kamala who?

[00:10:14] Harris.

[00:10:15] November 5th was the day the joy died.

[00:10:20] MSNBC drew their hands up and cried.

[00:10:23] How could the Democrats earn such a fail?

[00:10:27] With most of the media tipping the scale.

[00:10:32] The swing states turned red.

[00:10:34] Were the vibes just in our head?

[00:10:36] F***ing out the internal polling was right.

[00:10:56] We didn't believe it with all of our might.

[00:11:00] The blacks and Hispanics on whom we rely.

[00:11:04] The trade for the other guy.

[00:11:10] Life this is so very rough.

[00:11:13] Maybe we didn't try.

[00:11:15] Why fascist enough?

[00:11:35] For soul searching this kind of defeat.

[00:11:42] Eternal reflection of how we were beat.

[00:11:46] Was it the border inflation or say?

[00:11:51] The one day we must figure out why there's egg on.

[00:12:21] Want to cry, Brian?

[00:12:23] But I kind of feel like she earned it.

[00:12:25] Let it out, Jack.

[00:12:28] I have nothing to give.

[00:12:30] Who just stumbled on stage?

[00:12:32] That's Hunter.

[00:12:33] Oh, Christ.

[00:12:34] I've been bad.

[00:12:35] I know I've been bad.

[00:12:37] Hookers and guns and crack.

[00:12:40] I've been bad.

[00:12:41] I know I've been bad.

[00:12:43] But the big man has my back.

[00:12:45] Things that I don't understand.

[00:13:15] I know that I can pay to be the son of my dad.

[00:13:19] Maybe I never did anything like a Biden should.

[00:13:25] I know it made me look bad.

[00:13:56] I know it made me look bad with the photos of whores.

[00:13:57] Daddy, thank you so much for getting to me, folks.

[00:14:01] You could miss the book.

[00:14:41] I can see my kids singing it.

[00:14:43] Thank you, Jack.

[00:14:44] So he got pardoned for the gun thing?

[00:14:46] Yes.

[00:14:47] And the 11 years before that.

[00:14:49] That seems...

[00:14:51] Yeah, yeah, it is, Jack.

[00:14:52] It is.

[00:14:53] Well, the whole cast is coming on stage.

[00:14:55] Yes, Jack.

[00:14:56] It's the finale.

[00:14:56] And that's Biden?

[00:14:58] Yeah.

[00:14:58] Oh.

[00:15:02] From Delaware to D.C.

[00:15:04] I came so long ago.

[00:15:05] The dreams of being president, your trusted Uncle Joe.

[00:15:09] Champion of the middle class.

[00:15:11] A humble public servant.

[00:15:13] Known for making the odd gaffe and Catholic observant.

[00:15:26] I love being president.

[00:15:28] Not gonna lie.

[00:15:29] Was hoping to be president until the day I die.

[00:15:32] The DNC had other plans and clearly you did too.

[00:15:36] Now it seems quite obvious my legacy is proof.

[00:15:39] It's as if kids dare.

[00:15:45] Major hundreds sent me my share.

[00:15:46] Prevented stories from B&M.

[00:15:48] Remember me.

[00:15:49] Flake right stuff that I would say.

[00:15:51] Said racist things and got away.

[00:15:53] Weaponized the DOJ.

[00:15:54] Remember me.

[00:15:56] Opened the border.

[00:15:57] Shuck my eyes.

[00:15:58] Screwed up in soldiers' hide.

[00:15:59] Made stuff up in outright lies.

[00:16:01] Remember me.

[00:16:07] My ego told me I still had it.

[00:16:09] Turns out I wasn't great.

[00:16:10] We now have Trump 2025 and Vance in 28.

[00:16:13] With little time left in office, I know what to do.

[00:16:16] I'll issue shady pardons.

[00:16:18] That's my way to say.

[00:16:20] Screw your hunters sent me my share.

[00:16:28] Revented stories from B&M.

[00:16:30] Remember me.

[00:16:31] Pleasure my stuff that I would up in soldiers died.

[00:16:41] Made stuff up in outright lies.

[00:16:43] Remember me.

[00:16:48] Major hundreds sent me my share.

[00:16:49] Revented stories from B&M.

[00:17:01] Screwed up in soldiers died.

[00:17:02] Made stuff up in outright lies.

[00:17:22] It kind of makes me wish we hadn't driven away many of our listeners by recording on an inconsistent basis.

[00:17:28] Me too, Jack.

[00:17:30] Me.

[00:17:35] Biden on Broadway was brought to you by Questionable Material with Jack and Brian.

[00:17:41] QMPodcast.com.

[00:17:42] Lyrics by Brian Sack.

[00:17:44] The role of Jack Helmuth was played by Jack Helmuth.

[00:17:47] Special thanks to the Suffolk County Virtual Orchestra of Long Island.

[00:17:53] QMPodcast.com.

[00:17:55] QMPodcast.com.