Obits. Pat Benetar. Jack's kids get assimilation tips. Sponsored by silent.partners
qmpodcast.com
[00:00:00] Hey, Jack. Hey, Brian. You know, life is sad sometimes. Not in my experience. Well, when
[00:00:07] people die it gets sad. Oh, yeah, when that happened, it's real bad. But there's a silver
[00:00:12] lining. Heaven? No, Jack, sometimes you get paid to read obituraries in your podcast.
[00:00:19] Did you know that? Well, that's even better than heaven. Yeah. So it's money coming into
[00:00:24] the podcast. So I reached out to some funeral homes and they sent me some obituraries
[00:00:29] and said, Hey, listen, if you guys can read these on the show, then you can make some
[00:00:34] serious money. You just have to treat it with gravitas. Okay, gravitas. So these are
[00:00:39] some real silent partners. Not our current sponsor silent partners, but these are people
[00:00:45] who are legitimately deceased and want to have that final biography out there. I remember
[00:00:52] them by great. I love this. So I can't do the voice obviously because I'm in the screen
[00:00:58] actors guild and an after and stuff. So I'm forbidden from this is a nonunion endeavor,
[00:01:03] unfortunately. But it's good for you way it is except I'm in that union too and the WGA.
[00:01:10] And I just sent you the scripts. Yeah, just forget you know, it doesn't matter. The union
[00:01:13] people don't even care. Oh, good. I'm just very I'm much more ethical. Right. No, I
[00:01:19] don't care about union rules. So I just sent you. I just got it. The obiturary. And if
[00:01:25] you could just read it, the funeral home people are going to love it and assuming you treat
[00:01:29] it with gravitas. And we will have some money coming in besides the money coming from
[00:01:33] silent partners, silent partners. No, silent dot partners.
[00:01:37] Yeah, such an idiot silent dot partners. That's right. That's what I said. Yeah. All
[00:01:43] right. Here we go. Obituary. I've never read this before in my life. I'm going to do
[00:01:48] with a lot of gravitas because it's sad. Yeah. And I'm going to give you some music too.
[00:01:52] Okay, great. Love music. You hear that? No. Okay. Well, there's music. I'm playing
[00:01:57] sad music. Okay. Cool. I'm listening to my deaf ears. So that's probably the issue.
[00:02:00] All right. Here we go. Liz Thompson. We regret to announce the passing of Mrs. Elizabeth
[00:02:08] Liz Thompson. beloved wife and attempted mother. Liz departed this world on Thursday at
[00:02:15] the age of 88 surrounded by several friends who were also in the van she was striving.
[00:02:21] Liz was born on January 5th, 1936 in the picturesque town of Meadowbrook known for its rolling
[00:02:27] hills and violent lynchings back in the racism pace. Liz was a pillar of strength and resilience,
[00:02:34] weathering her life's many storms with grace and dignity. When her first child Lucas died during
[00:02:41] childbirth, she was unfazed showing up at work the very next day holding an empty one.
[00:02:48] It's much lighter without a dumb old baby in it. She told co-workers. Nobody needs a dumb old
[00:02:53] baby anyway. When her second child Nathan was kidnapped at the age of two, she once again appeared
[00:03:00] extraordinarily resilient. I guess someone else wanted Nathan even more she would tell friends.
[00:03:06] I'm sure he's having a grand old time. After losing her daughter Grace in a freak accident,
[00:03:11] she found solace in her role as chairman of the nonprofit, mothers against hair dryers next to the
[00:03:17] bathtub. All the while Liz kept on smiling and carrying on. Even when her beloved husband John
[00:03:26] of 43 years was taken from her suddenly, she was able to see the silver lining. John died doing
[00:03:32] what he loved, being murdered by Colombian prostitutes. Liz's warmth and affection knew no bounds.
[00:03:42] She would leave rice out for birds and chocolate covered grapes or dogs.
[00:03:49] A celebration of Liz's life will be held on Saturday, March 10th, 2024 at Metabrook Community
[00:03:56] Church. In lieu of flowers, we kindly request that donations be made to any organization dedicated
[00:04:02] to abolishing the SAT and any other method of determining academic capability.
[00:04:10] Ah, the gravitas was not there. I'm afraid. Man, Liz left a wild life and I wasn't quite prepared
[00:04:19] for that. No, she had it tough. That's just steady stream of horrible things. Yeah, chocolate covered
[00:04:27] grapes for dogs. I feel like it's probably going to kill the dogs. I wouldn't know. I'm a dog owner.
[00:04:35] Well, that would I would then lead me to believe that you would know. I'm not reading any books on
[00:04:39] it. It was just there. Are there a lot of books about chocolate covered grapes for dogs?
[00:04:44] Well, there was one. Oh, really? What was it called? It was Pat Denitar's Guide to Chocolate covered
[00:04:52] grapes. Yep. Pat Benitar's Guide to Chocolate covered grapes. Man, that's right. I remember she was
[00:05:06] on the daily show promoting that. When did that book come out? That came out in 1984.
[00:05:13] It's weird that she was on the daily show promoting it when the book had come out 16 years prior
[00:05:17] to the start of the daily show. Yeah, well, yeah, that's when she was big back in the 80s.
[00:05:23] No, I know, but I figured she was doing the dog great book to sort of get back into the pop culture
[00:05:28] conversation. Post career. Yeah. I could be misremembering. It's been a while. I doubt that. I
[00:05:35] trust your memory. I mean, it was only 40 years ago. This is the end of the 40 year anniversary
[00:05:39] of the book coming out. Yeah, you're right. 40 years. So 1984. Wow. So tell me really quickly,
[00:05:48] please, we'll see your big takeaways from Pat Benitar's to chocolate covered grapes for dogs.
[00:05:56] Pat Benitar's Guide to Chocolate covered grapes for dogs. Well, she was a dog enthusiast.
[00:06:02] She's remembered, started the four root of the books that I've grown up with dogs on my life.
[00:06:06] I love dogs. I love, you know, they're in my life so briefly and I love them so very much.
[00:06:13] They bring so much joy to me for the weeks that I have them. And I wish God had invented an
[00:06:18] animal that would live longer. It's just cruel, she would say. It was a big, she was saying that
[00:06:23] their short lives were just it was just unfair because they're happy animals. They are. And she
[00:06:28] would welcome them. She'd go to the adoption places and yeah, bring them home and just treat them to
[00:06:36] to chocolate covered grapes and then within a matter of days, sometimes weeks they're gone. And she
[00:06:42] said it was very hard. It was the inspiration for a lot of her music. Oh, really? So like heartbreaker?
[00:06:49] Heartbreaker was about dogs. Love is a battlefield. Yep. Was about dogs.
[00:06:56] What was the sort of the story behind love is a battlefield in the doggy world?
[00:07:01] Well, I mean, she just because she would love the dog. And then, you know, and then next thing,
[00:07:06] you know, she'd wake up in the morning and there's a dead dog next to her on the floor. And
[00:07:09] it was just like when she would just say love is a battlefield. Oh, that's cool. That's a good
[00:07:14] backstory. And then of course, strut was about dog funerals. What about hit me with your best shot?
[00:07:24] That was about she would attempt to revive the dog. She'd bring the dog to the vet and she's
[00:07:29] saying you can do. And they'd say, we don't think so. And then she would look over at the gallery
[00:07:35] of hyperdermic needles and just say, hit me with your best shot.
[00:07:44] Oh, I didn't say I didn't know that. What about was the oddly the song I need a lover was also
[00:07:50] about this? Yeah. What was that? I need a lover. I need a lover who won't drive me crazy. And
[00:07:58] the parentheses, if you had the LP, it says by dying. They cut it off for the MP3s
[00:08:06] and for radio and for radio back in the day. Yeah. What about in the heat of the night?
[00:08:12] Well, you know what that's about. That's about doggy menstruation.
[00:08:20] For the brief amount of time they're there. Sometimes they didn't even menstruate. They were just very
[00:08:26] right. They couldn't even get to one cycle under Pat Benitar's care. Yeah, it's sad. But
[00:08:31] she said such a great guide. She had such a big heart. She really did.
[00:08:38] What was the question? It's ironic because Pat Benitar had a big heart but she was thin
[00:08:44] but heart was big as two Benitar's.
[00:08:56] Now you played in the cover band in college and Ithicad in you, Fat Benitar?
[00:09:02] I was in Fat Benitar. We were a fat shaming band. And Fat Benitar, I was the lead singer.
[00:09:14] And I wasn't really like singing. It was more like I would come on stage with a hoagie.
[00:09:21] Start gnawing on it during the band would kind of cover the songs.
[00:09:28] There was a bunch of bands like that. There were? Yeah.
[00:09:33] We're some of the other bands that were like that because I don't remember any.
[00:09:37] Well, it was Fat Muthini.
[00:09:38] Todd Blubgren.
[00:09:47] The who is that over there? They're so huge.
[00:09:53] Right. The police need to arrest that tub of shit. That's right. That was one.
[00:09:59] But man, Fat Shaming was it's you can't do it now but boy in the 80s, it was not only common
[00:10:05] in place but profitable. It was it was it was a thing. Yeah, there was a lot of money in
[00:10:10] Fat Shaming back in the 80s. It's not there now. It's kind of like newspapers. It's dyed out.
[00:10:16] Yeah. Type raiders. Yeah. That's right. History books sort of do lump those three together.
[00:10:21] Yep. That's sad progress. Sort of like Lex Thompson. What's your name? Like Liz Thompson dying.
[00:10:27] It's sad. It is sad. It's sad not getting paid. It's sad that Liz passed away. It's sad when
[00:10:33] you're dog guys. Man, why do we start the shows in such a sad manner? I don't know and you know
[00:10:40] you would think our sponsor copy plus no silent partners. Our sponsor silent partners.
[00:10:50] Silent dot partners. Yep. That's the web address. Yeah. You'd think that they would let us know
[00:10:56] and give us some notes like to don't start to show off with a death. You dummies. Well,
[00:11:01] we might get those notes because this is the end of our first contract cycle with silent partners.
[00:11:07] Oh, is it? Yeah. So we did five episodes and this is episode number five. So we'll see if they
[00:11:13] re up. You know what? I can do when you call him to speak to this gentleman. Do you hear him counting
[00:11:19] the money in the background that we help bring in? No, that's a good question. The answer is no.
[00:11:27] It's basically he sort of screams at me. Does anyone listen to this? You can't say that
[00:11:36] get the web address right. Do you even know what we do and invoice me? He just screams one of
[00:11:42] those things at me. Okay, well, I mean, I can answer all but one of those things. What's the one
[00:11:47] you can't answer? What do you do? Silent, that part is silent, that part is.
[00:11:59] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian, a mostly improvised podcast
[00:12:05] produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack,
[00:12:09] Helmpodcast.com.
[00:12:15] Hey, Brian. Hi, Jack. How are things in your world? They're pretty good, Jack. We just got the permit
[00:12:24] to dig the foundation for the house that my colleague and I will be building. That's wonderful. Yeah.
[00:12:31] What, uh, what, what, how, what's the vision for the home that you're going to be building?
[00:12:37] This home is going to have a room where you can prepare food, a room where you can eat food.
[00:12:46] Is it Jetsons? This is crazy. I know. A room where you can sleep. Just to sleep?
[00:12:53] Just for sleeping. Maybe even three of them. You don't sleep three times a day, dude.
[00:13:04] But you might have more than one person that wants a different room.
[00:13:08] That didn't occur to me. And you have places to make, make water as we say in the, you're in our,
[00:13:15] euphemism business? Like a, like a divining rod room? It's similar to a divining rod room. There's
[00:13:21] a hole that leads down to the center of the earth where you can deposit your, your fluids.
[00:13:29] Uh-huh. It's like, it's like, dude and yourself. It's like, dude. It's like,
[00:13:34] June. Okay. All right. It's a precious. So I would find Timothy Shalamade down at the bottom
[00:13:41] of this hole. Depends how the next installment performs at the box office. I suppose that's true.
[00:13:49] Okay. Well, that's it. I mean, it's like, I'm a big believer in dreams and in dreamy and going
[00:13:55] for it like this, your stupid project is not going to work. Well, uh, the, what they say,
[00:14:02] I don't, you don't know until you do. Yeah. That's not, that's definitely not saying.
[00:14:08] As for my grandfather, Sam used to say you don't know until you do.
[00:14:13] And what did your grandfather, Sam, used to do?
[00:14:15] Electrocute himself. That was his profession. He would touch wires. Yeah, he charged money for it.
[00:14:25] He'd walk up to a wire and he said, I'm going to touch this and people I wouldn't,
[00:14:29] wouldn't touch that and say, well, you don't know until you do.
[00:14:33] And then he'd take bets from the audience there. They put money into his, uh, singed hat.
[00:14:39] And then he would reach out and grab the wire. Well, what audience was this?
[00:14:45] Pretty much anybody who was in the vicinity who would just flag them down.
[00:14:50] So I'm going to touch this wire. What's it worth to you?
[00:14:55] Why was it worth anything to people in that day and age? Well, you know, there wasn't a lot,
[00:15:00] if you think about it, there wasn't social media back then. We're talking about the,
[00:15:04] the 1920s. You know, there's no social media back then. There's no, there's not a lot going on.
[00:15:09] So the, the chance to see somebody with electricity running through their body screaming at agony,
[00:15:15] begging you to pull them off of the wire, uh, was appealing to people. It was worth 10 cents at the time.
[00:15:21] Oh, well, that went a long way back then. Yeah, that's like, that's like a pound of beef.
[00:15:29] Yeah, I mean, yeah, is that a euphemism? No, no, it's literally a pound of beef to prepare
[00:15:35] and cook for your food in one of these food preparing rooms that you have made up.
[00:15:39] That's right. I was going to say because you were close because Aunt Fanny was about 15 cents.
[00:15:43] I'm glad I said a bunch of extra words before we got to Aunt Fanny. So it sounds like
[00:15:52] Aunt Fanny was a little bit of a disaster. She was popular. That's an interesting way to describe,
[00:15:58] or just like a sort of social maven, you know, heading out to a Rhode Island to summer. That sort of
[00:16:04] thing? No, no, she was very, you know, she was very well known in the scientific community.
[00:16:09] Oh, that's so she was a scientist. A female scientist. That's amazing.
[00:16:13] Nope. I know she had 12 strains of syphilis.
[00:16:21] I'm not an expert, but that seems like a lot. Apparently it was a lot and that's why she was so well
[00:16:26] known in the community. And she spent a lot of time being evaluated and there's a big history
[00:16:33] about her. There's a big book out there who what's the book called and who wrote it?
[00:16:39] Pat Benetar's Guide to syphilis.
[00:16:49] Pat Benetar's Guide to syphilis. You can say it a second time I'm not going to edit out your laugh.
[00:16:55] Don't like to break. I know you don't well,
[00:17:05] it's very Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, but I think this is a little better. Never liked it when he did that.
[00:17:13] No, I know you didn't. So Pat Benetar did a whole second book on syphilis.
[00:17:18] Yep. And your aunt Fanny is your aunt or great aunt?
[00:17:24] She's my great aunt Fanny. Wow, and she was the ground zero.
[00:17:32] And would your great uncle Sam would the electricity sort of kill off the syphilis?
[00:17:41] Oh yeah, he didn't have anything. He had no syphilis.
[00:17:45] Oh, you know the equipment doesn't work when you've been shocked multiple times.
[00:17:49] He was erectile dysfunction level seven is what they called it.
[00:17:54] But as I well know, it only goes up to level five.
[00:17:57] Yeah, well, I believe there's a book out there that goes into depth on that there are two more levels
[00:18:04] after five. I mean, I got a Google that's what book.
[00:18:08] Banana Rama's guide to the levels of syphilis. No, not syphilis.
[00:18:21] I erectile dysfunction.
[00:18:23] I erectile dysfunction.
[00:18:26] Banana Rama's guide to a erectile dysfunction.
[00:18:29] That sounds really good.
[00:18:32] It's a lot of 80s great books came out. You know, a lot of great music,
[00:18:35] a lot of great books people are aware of.
[00:18:38] No, this is very informative for me as well.
[00:18:42] Thank you.
[00:18:45] That's not what I said.
[00:18:46] What now just sort of
[00:18:50] closing up the loop here on your family.
[00:18:54] So how long did your uncle, your great uncle Sam, I think his Sam right?
[00:18:59] Grandpa Sam, yeah.
[00:19:00] Grandpa Sam.
[00:19:01] So with your grandpa married your aunt,
[00:19:04] you know, things are different back then.
[00:19:05] You know, social media.
[00:19:10] That's definitely not related to social media at all.
[00:19:15] There was no social media back then.
[00:19:17] Things were boring.
[00:19:17] There wasn't a lot going on.
[00:19:19] So yeah, you know, you paid money to see people shock themselves and you married relatives.
[00:19:25] I'll take your word for it.
[00:19:28] Don't have to take my word for it.
[00:19:31] Where would I get that such information?
[00:19:33] It's Glenn Miller's guide to marrying your mommy.
[00:19:42] All right.
[00:19:48] To marrying your mommy.
[00:19:49] Yeah, that's Glenn Miller of the Glenn Miller orchestra.
[00:19:55] Pennsylvania 6, 5000.
[00:20:01] I got a gallon Kalamazoo.
[00:20:02] Okay.
[00:20:07] Well, wow, Brian.
[00:20:10] Good, good stuff, man.
[00:20:12] Thank you, Jack.
[00:20:13] Thanks for having such a great family.
[00:20:17] Jack.
[00:20:18] Yes, Brian.
[00:20:19] You remember that lady who died?
[00:20:23] Betty White.
[00:20:24] No, no, the one you talked about in the beginning of the show.
[00:20:27] Liz.
[00:20:28] Oh, Liz Thompson.
[00:20:29] Yeah, I've got to miss Liz.
[00:20:31] Yeah, it's sad. But someone else has also died.
[00:20:34] No, not another one.
[00:20:35] What are the odds of that?
[00:20:37] I don't know.
[00:20:37] It's crazy to me, but it just so happens.
[00:20:40] Someone has died which presents itself an opportunity for you
[00:20:44] to get paid reading the obituary, which I'm sending you right now.
[00:20:48] That's great.
[00:20:48] It's on its way.
[00:20:50] And once again, it's gravitas is the word of the day.
[00:20:53] Gravitas.
[00:20:54] I understand that it is challenging for me to do the gravitas thing without having read it beforehand.
[00:21:01] I know, but this is how obituary's work and it's sad.
[00:21:04] It's not how obituary's work.
[00:21:06] Okay, I have gotten the second one.
[00:21:10] I have never read this before.
[00:21:11] It is open on my screen.
[00:21:12] All right.
[00:21:13] Three, two, one.
[00:21:16] Gravitas.
[00:21:19] We mourn the passing of Mr. David Vasquez, a respected businessman and pillar of his community
[00:21:25] who departed this world on Monday.
[00:21:28] David aged 56, leaves behind the legacy of hard work, integrity and generosity.
[00:21:34] They will be remembered by all those who had the privilege of knowing him.
[00:21:39] Born in Tijuana, Mexico in 1967, David's father, Ronaldo, raised him with a strong work ethic.
[00:21:46] His mother, Isabella, taught him the importance of chicken and rice.
[00:21:51] These values would guide him throughout his life.
[00:21:54] From a young age, he demonstrated a natural aptitude for entrepreneurship and chicken for dinner.
[00:22:01] He perused his passion for roofing with unwavering dedication and determination.
[00:22:07] He moved to the United States in 1990.
[00:22:10] In 1992, after having chicken and rice,
[00:22:15] David founded Vasquez Roofing Company, a business that would become synonymous with quality
[00:22:20] craftsmanship, reliability and customer satisfaction.
[00:22:25] David brought with him an old world methods of roofing, which included bypassing the normal
[00:22:30] and expected, quote, safety measures in favor of more cost-effective and less tedious methods,
[00:22:36] such as building scaffolding with warped broom handles and discarded pool cues.
[00:22:41] David's cost-effective, improvised safety methods were a big hit for folks wanting more bang for
[00:22:47] their buck. A devoted husband, father and friend, David cherished his family above all else,
[00:22:53] even chicken and rice. He was a loving husband to his wife Maria,
[00:22:58] and a devoted father to his two children, Miguel and Isabella.
[00:23:02] He was always happiest when surrounded by his loved ones and not falling off scaffolding.
[00:23:08] David's passing leaves avoided the hearts of all who knew him,
[00:23:12] and a discarded pool cue in his left lung.
[00:23:16] But his legacy of integrity, compassion and service will continue to inspire and uplift us in
[00:23:23] the days ahead. He will be remembered. A celebration of David's life will be held on Saturday,
[00:23:28] March 10th, 2024 at St. Anthony's Catholic Church where friends, family and members of the
[00:23:34] community will come together to honor his memory and pay tribute to his remarkable life.
[00:23:39] In lieu of flowers, please bring chicken and rice.
[00:23:49] That one is all over the place.
[00:23:51] It really was.
[00:23:54] You were very low on the gravitas meter.
[00:23:59] I tried to sell the hell out of that one. I really put my forever into that.
[00:24:03] Yeah, no, I can see it. But you just have these moments where it's just like you think it's silly.
[00:24:07] I feel bad for him and the family.
[00:24:13] It is a tragedy.
[00:24:14] It is. I mean, the pool cue right through the lung.
[00:24:19] Got to hurt. I hope it was at least a little rosin on the end there.
[00:24:26] Yeah, I don't know. It's how I've always wanted to go.
[00:24:33] So young though.
[00:24:35] So young.
[00:24:36] 56.
[00:24:37] Not scary. It really is the people dying at that age.
[00:24:41] Nope, not staying off a scaffolding.
[00:24:44] Yeah, you're nearly 56.
[00:24:45] Nope.
[00:24:47] Oh, just turn 37.
[00:24:53] That's really odd.
[00:24:56] Hey, Brian.
[00:24:57] Yeah.
[00:24:58] You know, you...
[00:25:00] I always turn to you for advice when I need a little bit of help in my life.
[00:25:05] And I'm at one of those moments again right now. If I could just sort of tell you about what's going on.
[00:25:11] Yeah, reminds me of the Beatles.
[00:25:13] What reminds you of the Beatles?
[00:25:14] Yeah, I get by with a little help from my friends. I'm the friend.
[00:25:17] Yeah, I'm helping you get by.
[00:25:20] Yeah, I mean we're work friends.
[00:25:23] Work adjacent.
[00:25:24] Work adjacent people who know each other.
[00:25:26] So here's the situation tomorrow at my kids school is career day.
[00:25:32] Oh.
[00:25:32] Now, you know, we're still sort of new to town.
[00:25:36] You know, we've been here for a year and a half so
[00:25:39] we've gotten a little bit more adjusted but there's still this pressure
[00:25:43] to really nail it for my kids because they still
[00:25:47] while they are more comfortable, they still haven't exactly
[00:25:51] integrated as fully as the old town that we came from.
[00:25:54] So there's a lot of pressure on me to really get career day right.
[00:25:58] And I was wondering, you know, you're such a good showman.
[00:26:01] You're such a good storyteller.
[00:26:03] You're such a good director and coach.
[00:26:05] You're such a good pyro techniques guy.
[00:26:08] I know you're going to be the guy to sort of give me some advice
[00:26:12] into how to make career day more interesting
[00:26:14] to make me seem cooler to the kids.
[00:26:17] This is an audience of sixth, seventh and eighth graders.
[00:26:21] Middle school.
[00:26:21] Middle schoolers of which my kids are my son is in seventh grade.
[00:26:25] My daughter is in sixth grade.
[00:26:27] So can you help me make career day more interesting?
[00:26:31] Yeah.
[00:26:32] And to make myself again, I need to look awesome for these kids.
[00:26:36] So that way my kids will sort of be have some of that awesome sauce rubbed on them.
[00:26:42] Okay.
[00:26:43] So, you know, I'm going to go up there.
[00:26:45] I'm going to present, you know, as a sort of as a TV writer,
[00:26:49] I'm not even sure these kids really know what TV is.
[00:26:52] At this point in life, you know, what can I do to make sort of a boring old 49-year-old,
[00:26:58] you know, dumpy gray-haired guy like myself?
[00:27:01] Seen more interesting to that audience.
[00:27:05] Well, if I were you,
[00:27:07] I would stroll in there.
[00:27:10] A lot of confidence, the other confidence you should have in front of these kids.
[00:27:13] You could beat any of these kids up, I think.
[00:27:16] And that's to give you a sense of confidence.
[00:27:18] They would give me confidence.
[00:27:19] They walk out there and like, look at these kids.
[00:27:21] You could look up squarely.
[00:27:21] I'd be like, I can get back and beat the crap out of that kid.
[00:27:23] I'm not scared of anybody here.
[00:27:25] Yeah.
[00:27:25] I like this, especially with the six graders.
[00:27:27] But yeah.
[00:27:28] Kind of energizing.
[00:27:29] And you look at you're going to scan the crowd.
[00:27:32] And you're going to see you look around, take in the crowd kind of like,
[00:27:36] you'll squint a little bit like you're analyzing everybody.
[00:27:38] And then just point to the white boys.
[00:27:42] And you just say, get out.
[00:27:45] Get out.
[00:27:46] Get out.
[00:27:47] One after the other.
[00:27:48] Until they're okay.
[00:27:49] And then you know, and when they stand up,
[00:27:52] you know, you just say show them the door.
[00:27:54] Say there's no point in career day for you.
[00:27:55] Nobody's hiring you.
[00:27:57] Get out.
[00:27:59] But as they start walking to the door,
[00:28:03] if any of them seem a little bit effeminate,
[00:28:06] stop them.
[00:28:07] Say, hey you.
[00:28:09] You, you they're kind of walking effeminate.
[00:28:11] Come back here.
[00:28:12] You might have a chance.
[00:28:14] Oh, you're low on the totem pole but you have a chance.
[00:28:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:28:18] Sit down.
[00:28:21] And then you start your spiel.
[00:28:22] Okay.
[00:28:24] You say, okay, my name's Jack.
[00:28:26] Yep.
[00:28:27] I'm a TV writer.
[00:28:29] Anybody here know what TV is?
[00:28:32] They're just going to kind of look at you and look around.
[00:28:34] It's like, do you know what YouTube?
[00:28:36] They're all going to know YouTube.
[00:28:37] Yeah.
[00:28:38] You'd be like, well, it's like YouTube
[00:28:40] but it sits on your table or on the wall.
[00:28:46] That might help put it in perspective for these kids.
[00:28:48] That's really good.
[00:28:50] And so you'd say there are shows out there
[00:28:53] and I would write on them
[00:28:55] and put the words in the actor's mouth.
[00:28:59] Good.
[00:29:00] And you'd say, do you know what an actor is?
[00:29:02] Yes, they might say yes.
[00:29:03] No, yeah, you know an actor.
[00:29:05] It's somebody who has a job
[00:29:07] with you know, because somebody puts something in their mouth
[00:29:11] and they were given a job as an actor or an actress
[00:29:15] and then you put the words in their mouth.
[00:29:17] Mm-hmm.
[00:29:19] So if they worked for Harvey Weinstein
[00:29:21] or whatever, no, understand.
[00:29:23] The kids are savvy these days.
[00:29:24] They have, they know everything.
[00:29:26] Sure.
[00:29:27] You want to ask some questions?
[00:29:28] Because one, you know,
[00:29:30] if you ask just having that question
[00:29:31] you don't have to prepare anything.
[00:29:34] Yeah, I sort of lay off the cuff.
[00:29:36] Like billing silent partners.
[00:29:37] I'm not really interested in doing that work.
[00:29:39] Yes.
[00:29:40] Silent.
[00:29:41] Dot partners.
[00:29:42] That's the domain.
[00:29:43] Yeah.
[00:29:43] Yeah.
[00:29:45] No.com.
[00:29:45] Do not do the.com.
[00:29:47] No, those people are monsters.
[00:29:49] Your life is in danger if you do the.com.
[00:29:51] That's right.
[00:29:52] And you won't even get the warning on your browser.
[00:29:53] You just doomed.
[00:29:55] Yes. At that point some Russian has everything
[00:29:59] in your life.
[00:30:00] They have the come pro month.
[00:30:02] Yes.
[00:30:03] So silent.
[00:30:05] Dot partners.
[00:30:07] Okay.
[00:30:07] So you have the kids as questions.
[00:30:09] They're going to ask you questions.
[00:30:11] So what do you, what, of course,
[00:30:12] they're going to know what TV show you work on?
[00:30:15] Sure.
[00:30:16] Okay.
[00:30:16] Well, you just, you know, this is where you got to be creative.
[00:30:20] You're in a creative field.
[00:30:21] Yeah.
[00:30:22] You got to lie.
[00:30:24] That's great.
[00:30:25] I wrote for Mr. Beast.
[00:30:27] That's what they want to hear.
[00:30:29] Because if you say anything out,
[00:30:30] they don't know what that is.
[00:30:31] What these shows are.
[00:30:33] I wrote for Mr.
[00:30:33] Oh my god, Mr. Beast.
[00:30:35] I love Mr. Beast.
[00:30:36] That's right.
[00:30:37] I wrote the one
[00:30:40] where he gives a kid an island.
[00:30:41] And then they're going to ask other questions like,
[00:30:46] like what's Mr. Beast like?
[00:30:49] What do I say?
[00:30:50] You want to be a dramatic.
[00:30:52] You're like, he's a demon.
[00:30:55] He's a bad man.
[00:30:58] Okay.
[00:30:59] Just and you make up stories that the kids won't forget.
[00:31:01] Like he made me eat spiders.
[00:31:04] He's just, he's a mean person.
[00:31:05] He made me eat spiders before he even paid me.
[00:31:08] Wow.
[00:31:09] And I had a cat.
[00:31:11] He stole my cat.
[00:31:13] He said no cats for you.
[00:31:16] He just stole it straight up.
[00:31:18] He catnapped it.
[00:31:20] Oh man.
[00:31:21] Okay.
[00:31:22] What exactly happens to these kids who are kicked out of my
[00:31:25] my career day session?
[00:31:26] Well, I mean they're going to go down.
[00:31:29] They're going to be upset a little bit.
[00:31:31] Okay.
[00:31:31] They've been demoralized.
[00:31:33] You've told a middle schooler that they have no future.
[00:31:36] No career.
[00:31:38] They're going to be sad and they're going to go back home
[00:31:41] and they're going to tell their parents.
[00:31:43] Okay.
[00:31:43] Parents are going to complain.
[00:31:46] Snitches.
[00:31:47] School's going to get a phone call.
[00:31:49] Not cool.
[00:31:50] And you won't have to do this career day bullshit ever again.
[00:31:57] That's a great outcome.
[00:32:01] I'm just looking out for you.
[00:32:02] That's really good.
[00:32:03] Well, I mean, I'm all right.
[00:32:04] I mean, I'm concerned by your initial idea
[00:32:07] because I live in Connecticut.
[00:32:09] That's if I tell all the white boys to stand up and leave,
[00:32:13] I mean, that's all there is.
[00:32:15] It's nothing but just a sea of vineyard vines shirts leaving the room.
[00:32:18] You're right.
[00:32:19] I'm sorry.
[00:32:19] I forgot you were in Connecticut.
[00:32:21] Yeah.
[00:32:21] And then I got no audience except a bunch of seventh grade girls.
[00:32:26] They say Connecticut is almost as white as Montana.
[00:32:30] That's what they say.
[00:32:30] Yeah.
[00:32:31] That's what's on the license plate.
[00:32:33] But just much smaller.
[00:32:35] Yes, we are smaller.
[00:32:36] And higher taxes.
[00:32:37] Oh, yeah.
[00:32:39] And Joe Lieberman.
[00:32:42] I mean, he was from here, yes.
[00:32:44] Yeah.
[00:32:46] Sorry.
[00:32:46] Yeah.
[00:32:46] My mother was from from Connecticut.
[00:32:49] I know she was.
[00:32:50] She was a she won
[00:32:52] Miss Connecticut.
[00:32:53] Miss Connecticut 1957 in the Miss America page.
[00:32:57] Wow.
[00:32:58] I mean, that's the dynamic red head.
[00:33:00] She was a redhead jack.
[00:33:01] She was an Irish redhead.
[00:33:03] Oh, wow.
[00:33:04] Did the curtains match the drapes?
[00:33:06] You know what?
[00:33:07] I don't remember.
[00:33:08] It was a little hazy when I came out.
[00:33:11] Didn't take my eyes in open for a day or two.
[00:33:14] Oh, yeah.
[00:33:14] Well, it was with her vagina that sort of messed up.
[00:33:18] It was clumpy.
[00:33:22] But yeah, she was she was a redhead.
[00:33:25] And you know, back in the this was 1957,
[00:33:27] they put her on TV afterwards.
[00:33:28] She was a she was a weather girl.
[00:33:31] After giving birth to you.
[00:33:33] No, not right away.
[00:33:33] They they give her some time to get that stomach back down in order.
[00:33:37] Yeah, of course.
[00:33:38] But then being the 50s,
[00:33:39] they put her in a bikini.
[00:33:42] She was like a bikini weather girl.
[00:33:43] She was a bikini weather girl on I was I think it was WNAC.
[00:33:47] It was Channel 7 or something in Boston.
[00:33:49] Holy cow.
[00:33:50] Now because we're always doing a bunch of stupid nonsense every episode,
[00:33:54] this part is true.
[00:33:56] That part's 100 100%.
[00:33:58] Brian's mom in 1957 really was Miss Connecticut.
[00:34:02] And this this part really happened by the way.
[00:34:04] She was she was a bikini model weather girl.
[00:34:08] Wow.
[00:34:08] So she was Liz,
[00:34:09] what her name was Liz Kelly.
[00:34:11] That was her stage name.
[00:34:13] She was missed.
[00:34:14] They called it she was Miss Tuesday the dynamic redhead.
[00:34:17] Miss Tuesday the dynamic redhead.
[00:34:19] The dynamic redhead and they and Liz Kelly.
[00:34:23] And she was the Tuesday night weather girl.
[00:34:24] She'd be in a bikini and had new nothing about meteorology
[00:34:27] but just would point to the thing and say,
[00:34:29] you know, rain's coming.
[00:34:30] And true fact.
[00:34:33] One of her colleagues
[00:34:35] from the Miss America pageant
[00:34:38] was Bone and Ted Kennedy.
[00:34:40] Really?
[00:34:41] Yeah.
[00:34:42] That's amazing.
[00:34:43] That's amazing.
[00:34:43] Yeah, right after you got married.
[00:34:44] He's a good guy.
[00:34:45] Solid.
[00:34:46] Solid human being.
[00:34:47] Solid human being.
[00:34:48] Who was your mom banging at the time?
[00:34:52] Ted Kennedy.
[00:34:55] I'm so sorry.
[00:34:58] I'm so sorry.
[00:34:59] I wouldn't have asked if I knew that one's not true.
[00:35:02] She didn't.
[00:35:04] But Marilyn did.
[00:35:06] Yeah.
[00:35:07] Well, I mean,
[00:35:09] give your mom some credit like we don't know she didn't like.
[00:35:12] You're right.
[00:35:13] I don't know.
[00:35:13] She did.
[00:35:14] Well, I know she didn't like them.
[00:35:17] Yeah, Marilyn because Marilyn was having a dinner party.
[00:35:20] Okay.
[00:35:22] And then my dad was there.
[00:35:25] And Ted decided he wanted to see Marilyn
[00:35:27] for a little Bunga, Bunga.
[00:35:30] And so Marilyn shut down the whole dinner party.
[00:35:33] Really?
[00:35:33] Yep.
[00:35:34] And then as they were filing out of the townhouse in Boston,
[00:35:36] Ted was down at the bottom of the stairs waiting
[00:35:39] and they all walked right by him
[00:35:40] and he didn't make eye contact.
[00:35:41] My dad remembers that vividly.
[00:35:44] He just like was looking down at the floor
[00:35:45] as everybody kind of filed by.
[00:35:47] That's a wild story.
[00:35:51] Yeah, it's a classy man.
[00:35:55] And everyone knows he just wants to bang Marilyn Monroe
[00:35:58] and get the hell out.
[00:36:00] Not Marilyn Monroe,
[00:36:01] her name was Marilyn.
[00:36:02] Oh, the other one they okay, okay.
[00:36:04] Mayor, okay, that's hilarious.
[00:36:07] Yeah.
[00:36:08] So everyone files out knowing that your
[00:36:11] Ted Kennedy just wants to bang this chick
[00:36:13] and he's just sitting at the bottom of the stairs
[00:36:16] looking down at the floor.
[00:36:19] Fun story.
[00:36:21] Wow.
[00:36:22] My dad never liked Ted Kennedy after that.
[00:36:24] No, I guess not.
[00:36:27] Ted Kennedy tried to murder your mother
[00:36:28] in a number of times though, right?
[00:36:30] He tried, I mean he was practicing trying to murder.
[00:36:34] He wanted to get it down right.
[00:36:35] He tried different techniques until he mastered it.
[00:36:38] God bless him.
[00:36:39] Where were some of the ways he failed to murder your mom?
[00:36:42] Well, he, I mean one time he said
[00:36:44] you want to go for a shopping cart, you know, funzies
[00:36:47] and they were in Beacon Hill in Boston.
[00:36:50] And so he put her in a shopping cart
[00:36:52] from the Woolworths back in the day.
[00:36:54] Yeah, I love Woolworths.
[00:36:55] They started rolling down the hills
[00:36:57] and then he kind of bailed out of the shopping cart
[00:37:00] and I think he was hoping it would go into traffic
[00:37:02] and get her killed.
[00:37:03] But it just kind of slid up against a car
[00:37:06] and caused a cosmetic damage
[00:37:08] mother got out.
[00:37:09] She was a little confused.
[00:37:10] Sure.
[00:37:11] My mother.
[00:37:12] The cosmetic damage on your mom.
[00:37:14] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:37:15] No, her face hit the side view mirror
[00:37:17] and just cause a little bruising.
[00:37:19] Sure.
[00:37:19] But you know when you're in the Miss America pageant
[00:37:22] you know how to use makeup.
[00:37:23] And so
[00:37:24] in a matter of minutes you never knew
[00:37:25] that there was a bruise there thanks to Ted.
[00:37:28] And if you're dating a candidate
[00:37:29] you need to know how to use makeup.
[00:37:30] You got to know you have to know
[00:37:32] how to cover up those bruises.
[00:37:33] Yeah, absolutely.
[00:37:34] Camelot.
[00:37:36] Camelot.
[00:37:36] So and just really quickly there was one sort of
[00:37:38] even more outrageous way
[00:37:39] that he tried to kill your mom.
[00:37:40] Ted Kennedy that is.
[00:37:42] Yes.
[00:37:42] Just I remember you told me back in the day
[00:37:45] but I swear to God I can't remember the details.
[00:37:47] So he had a friend
[00:37:50] okay, that checks out so far.
[00:37:51] Who told him who said
[00:37:53] is like you want to sure fire away
[00:37:54] to kill a lady
[00:37:56] and Ted said
[00:37:58] and he said of course.
[00:37:59] Yes, because I don't want
[00:38:00] to I don't want any kind of possible
[00:38:02] you know get I don't want to be swept up in this
[00:38:04] I have presidential ambitions
[00:38:06] I need to know what's the best way to kill a lady.
[00:38:08] Yeah.
[00:38:09] And this guy
[00:38:10] had read a book
[00:38:12] didn't get it right.
[00:38:14] Oh, he said feed her chocolate covered grapes.
[00:38:23] Oh.
[00:38:29] And he got that from a book he said.
[00:38:31] Yes.
[00:38:34] That's just I don't suppose you remember
[00:38:36] and this is I know it's a long time ago
[00:38:38] but do you remember the name of the book and who wrote it?
[00:38:40] Kill your pets with Ringo star.
[00:38:49] That what I have read.
[00:38:50] Sometimes I will read that to Jack
[00:38:51] for a bedtime story.
[00:38:52] That's a classic.
[00:38:54] That is a classic.
[00:38:55] That in shock headed Peter.
[00:39:00] Well, gosh.
[00:39:02] That's uh you know that's a heck of a story.
[00:39:04] I'm glad now.
[00:39:06] You know what
[00:39:07] it's you know the whole career day thing
[00:39:10] you know forget it.
[00:39:11] I'm just going to basically tell the story
[00:39:14] of your mom
[00:39:15] and I'm just ready to be done with it.
[00:39:17] Here you go.
[00:39:19] There you go.
[00:39:19] And you also
[00:39:20] you have the same benefit that you'll never be invited back again.
[00:39:24] Yay.
[00:39:29] Well, Brian
[00:39:29] I think that pretty much brings to close
[00:39:32] another episode of questionable material
[00:39:34] the last
[00:39:36] for now
[00:39:37] episode sponsored by
[00:39:40] what the heck's the name of that company?
[00:39:41] Silent partners
[00:39:43] and the website site
[00:39:45] silent partners.
[00:39:48] No, silent partners.
[00:39:49] com or silent that part.
[00:39:50] That's you get that's when you got to get out of your brain.
[00:39:52] It's the domain is
[00:39:54] silent dot partners because you can do those now.
[00:39:57] You can have Brian dot info.
[00:39:59] Brian dot movie.
[00:40:00] Brian dot this.
[00:40:02] Brian dot partners.
[00:40:03] Oh, I like that.
[00:40:05] Oh Brian Brian what would what would be on the website
[00:40:07] Brian dot partners?
[00:40:09] Just the lemon party graphic
[00:40:21] really quickly Brian if I could just take a quick personal moment
[00:40:27] I took my son on a
[00:40:29] drive around the the Southwest
[00:40:32] during his winter break my my daughter
[00:40:35] and wife went to and baby went to Washington DC where they got bedbugs
[00:40:40] my son and I yeah, super fun
[00:40:42] and my son and I went and drove around the Southwest
[00:40:44] our car got stranded in
[00:40:47] page Arizona
[00:40:49] and a tow truck driver named Mark came
[00:40:51] and drove us three hours from
[00:40:54] from there to St George Utah.
[00:40:56] I just wanted to give a shout out to Mark.
[00:40:58] He's 22 years old.
[00:40:59] He's an avid gun collector.
[00:41:00] He's got a katana at home.
[00:41:02] He's got a giant clip of bullets right in the front of his
[00:41:07] dashboard and his pickup.
[00:41:09] It's got a go bag in the back.
[00:41:11] He's always ready to hit the road for when
[00:41:14] you know, the liberals start,
[00:41:15] you know, bombing the good normal Americans
[00:41:20] and I just want to give Mark a shout out.
[00:41:21] Mark you're the man.
[00:41:22] Thank you for for saving us.
[00:41:24] He's having to be a listener.
[00:41:26] No, well, he's a listener now because I told him
[00:41:29] you know, three hours in a truck with someone
[00:41:31] you're going to tell someone about your podcast.
[00:41:33] Ah, all right, Mark.
[00:41:36] So yeah, so it's Mark, you know,
[00:41:37] he asked me like what's the thing you're most ashamed of
[00:41:40] and so you know,
[00:41:41] it told him about the podcast and he
[00:41:43] you know, he's been listening.
[00:41:45] He texted me and told me he's been enjoying the show.
[00:41:48] Oh good, all right.
[00:41:49] I'm glad he likes it.
[00:41:50] Yeah, so do you have any like a final thing
[00:41:53] that you want to say to Mark?
[00:41:56] Yes.
[00:41:57] Oh good, man, just as a sign off like what would you like to say to Mark
[00:42:00] who right now he's got to be on call 24 hours a day.
[00:42:02] He's 22 years old, driving around Nevada and Utah
[00:42:06] and Arizona.
[00:42:07] What would you like to say to Mark?
[00:42:10] He's just he's he's on call 24 hours a day.
[00:42:12] Yeah.
[00:42:14] So when does he drink wine?
[00:42:18] He doesn't drink anymore for the last two years.
[00:42:20] Mark has been sober since January of 2020.
[00:42:24] January 1st, 2022.
[00:42:26] You really learn a lot in those three hours.
[00:42:28] Yeah, I learned that that's that's a true fact about Mark.
[00:42:32] All right then.
[00:42:37] Do I have advice for Mark?
[00:42:38] I forgot the question.
[00:42:39] No, if you just have anything that you want to say to Mark is
[00:42:43] it could be advice.
[00:42:44] It could be you know, thank you for saving the heart and soul of the podcast
[00:42:47] and quit whatever it is.
[00:42:48] You know, it's just an opportunity for you to reach out to a listener
[00:42:51] in a very sort of intimate way.
[00:42:53] Sure.
[00:42:54] Well, I think we all know by now that the reason your car
[00:42:58] stranded you was because I was responsible for it because
[00:43:04] in an effort to take over this podcast and just be the sole voice on it,
[00:43:09] I was hoping you'd be stranded in the desert
[00:43:11] and that you and your son would perish in the hot Arizona sun.
[00:43:17] What?
[00:43:17] So I got to thank Mark for messing up my plans.
[00:43:23] That's fine.
[00:43:23] You know what Jack,
[00:43:26] what if you and I just have a fun game where we race a shopping cart down a hill?
[00:43:31] Oh, that sounds like fun!
[00:43:36] That was questionable material with Jack and Brian.
[00:43:40] Subscribe on any podcast platform.
[00:43:43] Visit us at qmpodcast.com.