A most professional start. Jack reads for Golden Luck restaurant. Brian's lemonade/shellac stand. Octavius, the foster child. Humanitarian aid. Jack reads for Hershey's. Listing a home for sale. Afghan pre-nup. Jack reads for The Lawn Barber.
[00:00:00] I am recording.
[00:00:01] Great, this is off to a really good professional measured response. No silliness, just professional.
[00:00:09] Let's play this straight, Jack. It's been a while, Jack.
[00:00:12] Yep.
[00:00:12] What are we doing, people keep asking?
[00:00:17] Well, trying to save the world and trying to find our purpose, that's what one of us is doing.
[00:00:23] Yes.
[00:00:23] And I'm honoring my obligations to my family. So that's what the two of us are doing.
[00:00:30] Family, shmamm. You should send your family off to college in boarding school. It makes life a lot easier.
[00:00:36] Sounds great. I wish I could do that.
[00:00:37] It's so nice. It's so great.
[00:00:39] Do you think I could borrow some money that I would promise to never pay back so I could make that dream happen?
[00:00:48] Well then that would place you in a class of people known as people who I used to like.
[00:00:56] You like me now?
[00:00:59] I mean, I will. I like you more than I would if you borrowed money and didn't repay it.
[00:01:04] Okay. Okay.
[00:01:07] So yes.
[00:01:08] Man.
[00:01:10] Our chemistry is back. Uh-oh. But what?
[00:01:13] Speaking of money.
[00:01:15] Okay.
[00:01:17] There are advertisers out there who want to advertise to targeted podcast audiences.
[00:01:22] Yeah, I know that's true.
[00:01:24] They analyze the demographics. They look at ours. They're like, these are people who,
[00:01:28] their demographic are people who are waiting for the next episode.
[00:01:32] Yes. The manscapes of the world. The silent partners of the world.
[00:01:38] Yes.
[00:01:39] All those organizations.
[00:01:41] They're like, so your audience is male, excuse male female people who are willing to wait ages and ages for you to do another frickin' episode.
[00:01:48] Yes.
[00:01:49] And then before you dash off somewhere.
[00:01:51] Yes.
[00:01:53] And so I said, okay. Yeah. And they're like, well, we'd love to have Jack be the voice of our company.
[00:02:00] So it's such an honor that they choose me.
[00:02:03] Thank you. And this is for Golden Luck restaurant.
[00:02:05] Oh, that sounds really good.
[00:02:07] Yeah. I just sent you the script and you just need to be a professional.
[00:02:11] You got to read it professionally. Give them the respect they deserve.
[00:02:15] And then the advertising dollars will start rolling in.
[00:02:19] Everyone's on. I do like to bring up that it's a real impediment to me having not been able to read these ahead of time.
[00:02:24] I understand that, but we need to get this going. You need to just when the email comes in, you start reading the script.
[00:02:29] That's how it works in advertising.
[00:02:31] I didn't say I didn't know that. Okay. I got the script.
[00:02:32] I worked in advertising. Jack, can please take it away? We need sponsor dollars.
[00:02:37] Here we go. Count me down.
[00:02:38] Don't screw up. No laughing and no screwing up.
[00:02:42] Three, two, one.
[00:02:44] Questionable material with Jack and Brian is brought to you by Golden Luck Chinese restaurant.
[00:02:50] In business for over 20 years, with only one catastrophic inspection,
[00:02:55] Golden Luck offers authentic Cantonese cuisine and no longer stores rice in the employee bathroom.
[00:03:02] You'll love our signature one ton noodle soup, which we would definitely throw out now if we were to ever discover another drowned mouse.
[00:03:11] Golden Luck Chinese restaurant uses fresh locally sourced ingredients that are now properly stored and labeled.
[00:03:19] If anything is past its expiration date, you can rest assured we've been told it's not supposed to wind up in our famous Cantonese fried rice,
[00:03:27] which is prepared every day by someone who has been repeatedly told to wash their hands after using the toilet.
[00:03:33] Discover why so many customers wrote rave reviews of our special recipe barbecue pork
[00:03:38] even before it was prepared on a clean surface without visible rodent droppings by people in unsoiled clothes wearing new hair nets.
[00:03:46] Don't forget bleach and other cleaning agents are only stored in the utility closet at Golden Luck Chinese restaurant, not next to the flower.
[00:03:54] And ask about our special discounts for students, veterans and members of the Department of Health.
[00:04:03] Oh shoot.
[00:04:04] Yeah. You just kind of got lost in it and then you forgot you were doing a professional commercial and you laughed.
[00:04:12] I mean, I got so into it. It's just seems like they've been through a lot and I was just, I guess I was cheering for them.
[00:04:17] It sounds like they got a particularly bad spanking from the Department of Health quite honestly.
[00:04:23] Yeah.
[00:04:24] It's too bad because I love Chinese food.
[00:04:26] Now you once got a really bad spanking from the Department of Health. Do I remember that right?
[00:04:32] I did, yeah.
[00:04:32] What was that for again? Because you don't, you're not a restaurant?
[00:04:37] No. I had a lemonade stand.
[00:04:39] Oh, that's sweet.
[00:04:41] You know, I wanted to show my dad I was a business guy and so like I set up a little at the end of the driveway.
[00:04:49] Yeah.
[00:04:50] Set up a card table.
[00:04:52] That's adorable.
[00:04:53] In a cardboard sign.
[00:04:55] Uh-huh.
[00:04:56] And you know, I wanted to make lemonade and there was a five gallon bucket in the garage.
[00:05:02] So I grabbed that and a garden hose.
[00:05:07] And you know, as I looked in the refrigerator, he had like two lemons.
[00:05:13] So I'm looking around.
[00:05:14] So I had water and two lemons.
[00:05:16] I squeezed the lemons and they didn't look, it didn't look particularly lemony.
[00:05:21] You know, a couple of lemons in a five gallon bucket of, you know, water with whatever else was in the bucket.
[00:05:28] And it's just, you know, and then so I went to the garage to, I was like, okay, well, I need to yellowize this.
[00:05:35] That's the term I used. I didn't know any better.
[00:05:38] That was only 32.
[00:05:39] And so I went up to the, into the cabinets in the garage and looked at, and I found this can.
[00:05:46] It says shellac.
[00:05:47] Oh God.
[00:05:48] Shellac is yellowish.
[00:05:51] You put it on wood, it yellows the wood, it gives it a nice little, it's very, it's pretty.
[00:05:54] Pretty eyes as the wood.
[00:05:55] Yep.
[00:05:56] And it, and it makes water look more like lemonade than just two lemons.
[00:06:01] Right.
[00:06:02] So a little bit of that had nice lemon looking thing.
[00:06:05] Yeah.
[00:06:05] But I needed it to be sweeter.
[00:06:06] Yeah, of course.
[00:06:08] So, you know, I'm like, I'm like, what is, you know, I don't know, you know, how to sweeten a fricking lemonade.
[00:06:16] Yeah.
[00:06:17] I mean, at 32, you don't know that stuff yet.
[00:06:19] No.
[00:06:20] So, you know, life is a mystery at that age.
[00:06:21] And so I went, went through the kitchen, you know, I know flour looks like sugar, but I don't think it's sweet.
[00:06:29] And there wasn't enough sugar.
[00:06:31] Okay.
[00:06:32] Because my father had a diabetic friend.
[00:06:37] And so out of courtesy to him, we removed all sugar from the house.
[00:06:40] Seems extreme.
[00:06:42] Because the guy was on the verge of losing his foot.
[00:06:44] Okay.
[00:06:45] And so he just didn't want sugar in the house, didn't want any acts.
[00:06:47] It was more for legal reasons.
[00:06:48] He didn't want the guy to ingest any sugar and then lose the foot and come after us.
[00:06:52] Sure.
[00:06:53] On our property.
[00:06:54] So, didn't have anything.
[00:06:56] So, you know, what is sugary?
[00:06:59] I don't know.
[00:07:00] What do you think is sweet?
[00:07:01] Okay.
[00:07:02] Imagine you're an ant.
[00:07:03] Well, like a chocolate, a candy bar.
[00:07:07] Or, you know, you're an ant and you just kind of walk around and see this white powder on the ground.
[00:07:11] And they're like, oh, that looks like ant food.
[00:07:13] Yeah.
[00:07:14] I suppose I would.
[00:07:15] You go grab that.
[00:07:17] So, that's where I had those little packets of ant traps.
[00:07:21] And so you just kind of rip those open and dump that into the mix.
[00:07:27] Oh, you see.
[00:07:28] And then I stirred it with a paint stirrer.
[00:07:32] Got that going.
[00:07:33] And then I set up shop.
[00:07:34] And you were painting your house that day?
[00:07:36] My dad was.
[00:07:37] Yeah.
[00:07:37] I was watching him.
[00:07:38] Yeah.
[00:07:39] And yeah, I was watching him.
[00:07:41] So, I just, you know, he was doing a clear coat.
[00:07:44] So, and then I put that.
[00:07:45] Yeah.
[00:07:46] So, I stared at it and then I went to the house.
[00:07:48] I got some glasses.
[00:07:50] Glasses, okay.
[00:07:51] And sat there on the street and waited and eventually people come.
[00:07:57] They'd get out of the car and say, it's a lemonade one dollar.
[00:08:01] And then they'd say, oh, is it your son or daughter?
[00:08:04] I'm like, no.
[00:08:06] It's my stand.
[00:08:07] Yeah.
[00:08:08] And then it would be like a pause.
[00:08:09] And then they're like, they just kind of, they'd order a glass.
[00:08:14] And I give it to them and then, you know, they'd make a little face.
[00:08:18] Of joy?
[00:08:19] It was a surprise.
[00:08:20] No, it was more like, like the, you know, it was like, and I just kept saying special recipe.
[00:08:26] And then they would just kind of look at me and then the department of health showed up a couple hours later.
[00:08:34] Oh, that's terrible.
[00:08:35] Now, because shame on me for not remembering the story because that you tell me a lot of stories in it.
[00:08:40] Sometimes it's hard to keep track.
[00:08:42] And do I remember correctly that you actually in between that time you actually hired a child to pretend that it was his stand?
[00:08:50] Yeah.
[00:08:50] Well, because I got so much grief from people.
[00:08:52] Look at you.
[00:08:52] I could tell they, you know, they get out.
[00:08:54] They'd be like, oh, is this your sons or daughters?
[00:08:56] And I'm like, no.
[00:08:58] And then I could sense that they wanted a younger one there.
[00:09:02] Right.
[00:09:02] So you drove into the inner city.
[00:09:05] Is that right?
[00:09:06] Well, there's a, yeah.
[00:09:11] So you signed up for one program?
[00:09:11] Oh, yeah.
[00:09:12] So you quickly signed up for one?
[00:09:14] I signed up for one and went into the big brother's big sisters and I went in there and I signed up.
[00:09:21] They're like, are you ready to, you know, for the commitment?
[00:09:23] And I was like, oh, yeah, absolutely.
[00:09:25] Yeah.
[00:09:25] Sure.
[00:09:26] And so they paired me up with this kid who came from a very broken home.
[00:09:32] And, and so I was like, well, let's go buddy.
[00:09:35] Let's, you know, I'm going to be your big brother.
[00:09:37] He was very excited.
[00:09:37] His eyes lit up.
[00:09:38] Oh, that's so wonderful.
[00:09:39] Yeah.
[00:09:40] I mean, you know, he didn't have any male role models in his life.
[00:09:42] Yeah.
[00:09:43] And so I was like, okay, well come with me.
[00:09:45] He hopped in my car.
[00:09:46] He's very impressed by the car.
[00:09:49] And so we drove into the suburbs.
[00:09:51] Yep.
[00:09:52] Get out of the quote unquote urban area and we drove into the suburbs and then he got out.
[00:09:58] And then he, he's, I had, it was like just all you need to do is sit at the table.
[00:10:02] And when people come up, you know, you just, you pour them some of this, just dip your glass into the bucket, give them some lemonade.
[00:10:09] And, and get the money.
[00:10:11] Okay.
[00:10:13] And, and so that's what we did.
[00:10:14] So people get out and I just kind of be sitting there and then they come out.
[00:10:19] Is this your son?
[00:10:20] I'd be like, yes.
[00:10:22] And, and you know, they thought that was charming and they went, you know, but although they did have the same reaction.
[00:10:29] They, nobody seems to like the lemonade.
[00:10:30] Oh, that's, that's a, well, it could be just racism from growing up in Massachusetts.
[00:10:35] That's what I told him.
[00:10:36] I'm like, I'm like, listen, they're making these faces because of racism.
[00:10:41] And he said, what do you mean?
[00:10:43] I said, well, it's their racist and he's like, but I'm Greek.
[00:10:49] And it doesn't matter.
[00:10:51] Wait, what was his name again?
[00:10:54] Octavius.
[00:10:57] It's a Greek guy with a Roman name.
[00:10:59] Greek guy, it was a Greek child, but yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, that is confusing.
[00:11:03] Well, when you come from a broken home, you're gonna, yeah, I mean, it's, you're going to break the names.
[00:11:08] You're going to break everything.
[00:11:09] Yeah.
[00:11:10] So it was just, but it never, you know, it just, I just made him realize that it was all because of him,
[00:11:17] that they were making these faces and stuff.
[00:11:19] But at the end of the day, we had about 12, $12.
[00:11:24] You really sold it as if maybe there'd been more business.
[00:11:28] Well, I mean, we had several, you know, word of mouth, it's a small town and word of mouth gets around.
[00:11:32] And you know, people start complaining about you and picketing across the street.
[00:11:36] Then it's going to turn away business.
[00:11:38] So I brought him back, told him, I'd take him out the next day for a big, big lunch.
[00:11:46] He was very excited about that.
[00:11:48] Oh, that's cool.
[00:11:48] Where did you guys go for lunch the next day?
[00:11:51] I didn't.
[00:11:52] It was just, you know, it's to get him out of the car.
[00:12:01] You know?
[00:12:03] I know.
[00:12:06] Otherwise he's going to sit there just looking at me longingly.
[00:12:08] I'm like, hey, let's do lunch tomorrow.
[00:12:10] He was all excited, you know, father figure type thing.
[00:12:14] But I figured, you know, abandon me once, you know, shame on you, abandon me twice.
[00:12:20] I guess I'm getting abandoned a lot.
[00:12:22] Is that kind of the expression?
[00:12:24] Yeah, I guess I said, I don't know.
[00:12:25] I didn't spend a lot of time in the foster system.
[00:12:27] So I guess.
[00:12:29] Yeah, I don't either.
[00:12:30] Yeah, but I can see why.
[00:12:34] Well, I mean, you know, if I need help around the house or something,
[00:12:37] I can just go to Home Depot and hire somebody who's hanging outside.
[00:12:39] Right.
[00:12:41] But so you don't pretend that you're their father or brother?
[00:12:44] I mean, I've tried it once, but then they look at me weird.
[00:12:47] Especially when they're older than you.
[00:12:49] Yeah.
[00:12:50] This grizzled old man.
[00:12:52] I just kept saying, I'm sorry.
[00:12:55] I'm sorry.
[00:12:57] And he's just like looked at me.
[00:12:59] I think the Spanish wasn't great.
[00:13:01] Maybe.
[00:13:02] I don't know.
[00:13:02] I don't speak it.
[00:13:03] Yeah.
[00:13:04] It's not my language.
[00:13:05] No, it's not your language.
[00:13:07] It's not my mother tongue.
[00:13:08] So what you certainly must have followed up with Octavius at some point in terms of like,
[00:13:14] did you ever find out what happened to him?
[00:13:16] Did he ever turn up again in your life?
[00:13:19] Well, I mean, he reached out to me a few times as a,
[00:13:24] I guess he had been accused of poisoning people in the suburbs.
[00:13:29] And he had reached out to me on a couple of occasions to ask for my, you know, assistance.
[00:13:35] You know, he was looking for, you know, me to explain things.
[00:13:44] And so I thought the best course of action was just to kind of cut it.
[00:13:47] I don't need a mooch in my life.
[00:13:50] You know, help me, help me, help me.
[00:13:53] I was like, Octavius, I'm sorry, you're on your own.
[00:13:56] Yeah.
[00:13:57] That's smart.
[00:13:58] I mean, like, you know, teach a man to fish type of thing.
[00:14:02] Yeah.
[00:14:02] Yeah.
[00:14:02] Teaching the, you know, I taught him the rules of business.
[00:14:06] You know, we had a good day together.
[00:14:08] He learned how to make $12 in an afternoon with, you know,
[00:14:14] a five gallon bucket and some shellac and lemons and paint thinner.
[00:14:19] And that's great.
[00:14:20] And so what did you guys do?
[00:14:22] Like 50-50, six bucks each?
[00:14:25] No, I said we were going to square it up at lunch the following day.
[00:14:31] I figured that was the best way to get him out of the car.
[00:14:33] Yeah, yeah, I know that was like,
[00:14:35] I definitely am feeling the importance of that one aspect to you.
[00:14:39] No, I was all about like, listen, I don't want to talk money right now.
[00:14:42] Let's do this at lunch tomorrow.
[00:14:43] Right.
[00:14:44] That's great.
[00:14:45] And he said, okay, okay, dad.
[00:14:47] That's great.
[00:14:48] Well, what a fine hat tip to, you know,
[00:14:52] the big brothers and big sisters of America.
[00:14:54] Yeah.
[00:14:55] I mean, if you can, you know, help a kid in any way,
[00:14:58] you should give him a memory, just something to look back at.
[00:15:04] You just want to give him a memory that they can look back at and it'll,
[00:15:07] you know, it'll pay off.
[00:15:10] It'll pay off.
[00:15:10] That's beautiful, man.
[00:15:11] And I'm sure once Octavius gets released from whatever facility he's housed in,
[00:15:16] I'm sure he's going to really look back on it more fondly.
[00:15:20] Yeah.
[00:15:20] I mean, I'm sure, you know, he'll be back in Athens or wherever.
[00:15:25] Or wherever.
[00:15:26] Be thinking, you know, yeah.
[00:15:28] He'll remember that time.
[00:15:29] He was in the suburbs of, suburbs of America.
[00:15:33] Yeah.
[00:15:34] Well, Brian, you've definitely shown your true colors.
[00:15:37] You're a great man.
[00:15:38] Thank you, Jack.
[00:15:39] Thank you.
[00:15:40] Let's, that was a long cold open.
[00:15:41] Let's start the show.
[00:15:42] Okay.
[00:15:43] Click, click, click.
[00:15:45] No, you don't need to say click.
[00:15:47] Just put the music in during the edit.
[00:15:49] Got it.
[00:15:49] Right here.
[00:15:52] No, Brian, put in the freaking music here.
[00:15:55] Right here.
[00:15:56] Okay, here.
[00:15:57] Don't, this should never ever play on the podcast.
[00:16:00] I, the stuff I'm saying now will cut out.
[00:16:03] We'll do.
[00:16:03] We'll cut it out.
[00:16:05] Right.
[00:16:05] And you've already put in the music.
[00:16:07] Yeah.
[00:16:07] It's going to go straight from whatever you said before to bump the starting now.
[00:16:12] Yes.
[00:16:13] Okay.
[00:16:14] Great.
[00:16:16] Take it away, Jack.
[00:16:18] Nope.
[00:16:18] I get that's already said this is just you and me talking to each other in an audience
[00:16:22] will never hear this.
[00:16:23] Got it.
[00:16:23] Do you?
[00:16:26] I'm confused.
[00:16:29] I'm, David's you're lucky that you got out of that car.
[00:16:37] You're listening to questionable material with Jack and Brian
[00:16:41] and mostly improvised podcast produced in New York by Jack Helmuth and Brian Sack.
[00:16:48] Q M podcast.com.
[00:16:54] So Brian, it's been a minute.
[00:16:56] How are you?
[00:16:57] What?
[00:16:58] I know it's been crazy.
[00:17:00] Well, things are always crazy with you.
[00:17:02] Why don't you just let listeners have an idea of what crazy means for you?
[00:17:08] Well, you know, I went to Cyprus.
[00:17:10] I was working on that Gaza operation and they blew up my friend and some other people.
[00:17:16] All this is true.
[00:17:17] And then came back and then they sent me back to Cyprus to close things up there.
[00:17:24] Yeah.
[00:17:24] Shut down that operation.
[00:17:25] Yep.
[00:17:26] And then I got back and I was like, I'm done.
[00:17:29] And then they said, hey, we want to come to Grenada, the island of Grenada because there's a heart.
[00:17:35] There was a hurricane.
[00:17:36] And I was like, not really.
[00:17:38] And then my wife said go because your son has no internship or job lined up for the
[00:17:44] summer and I want you to take him.
[00:17:47] So I grabbed my son and went down to Grenada with with them.
[00:17:51] Well, oh, yeah.
[00:17:53] Which kid?
[00:17:54] The oldest one.
[00:17:55] Wow.
[00:17:56] Okay.
[00:17:56] So, yeah, he got a chance to see a hurricane devastation.
[00:18:01] The island of Carriacou was completely just wiped out.
[00:18:07] Pretty messy, disaster.
[00:18:09] A lot of boats toppled and it was really a mess.
[00:18:13] But you guys, I know you guys like to bring, you know, when you visit a devastated
[00:18:19] area, you like to bring a lot more than just food.
[00:18:22] You're sort of, you're there helping in the kitchen almost as a side gig for the
[00:18:27] real sort of aid that you like to bring.
[00:18:30] When you walk us through the sort of aid work that you and your son especially did
[00:18:34] on this trip?
[00:18:35] Yeah.
[00:18:36] I mean, like, you know, the organization, they do food and all that stuff really
[00:18:40] well.
[00:18:40] And, you know, I definitely help with that.
[00:18:43] But then, you know, I kind of have my own side gig.
[00:18:46] Awesome.
[00:18:46] I want to be helpful in other ways.
[00:18:49] Okay.
[00:18:50] And so, you know, I bring what I think is appropriate to the particular disaster.
[00:18:56] That makes all the sense of the world.
[00:18:58] Okay.
[00:18:59] So in this particular instance, you know, like Grenada was devastated by a hurricane.
[00:19:06] So what happens on a hurricane?
[00:19:07] Well, roofs get blown off and, you know, telephone lines get knocked down
[00:19:12] and boats get flipped upside down and sunk and stuff like that.
[00:19:17] So, you know, what do people need in a scenario like that?
[00:19:23] Shelter.
[00:19:25] No.
[00:19:28] Power, like power generators?
[00:19:31] I mean, those are cool and stuff, but not necessarily.
[00:19:33] Shoot, I'm missing something obvious, I guess.
[00:19:36] Yeah.
[00:19:37] Five pound barbells.
[00:19:40] Sorry?
[00:19:41] A five pound barbell.
[00:19:45] Okay.
[00:19:46] Maybe I'm not seeing, maybe my aid work is limited.
[00:19:49] So I'm not seeing, do they use that to build houses or to,
[00:19:53] what do they use the five pound barbells for?
[00:19:55] It gives you something to think about.
[00:19:59] You know, when you're holding on to a five pound barbell,
[00:20:02] you know, life's not that bad.
[00:20:04] You distract it.
[00:20:05] Oh, okay.
[00:20:06] So think about it.
[00:20:07] You know, you've got this five pound weight in your hand.
[00:20:09] It's kind of a pain.
[00:20:11] I guess it's a dumbbell, technically.
[00:20:13] Sure.
[00:20:14] Yes, it's supposed to be.
[00:20:15] It's not a barbells too big.
[00:20:17] Yeah.
[00:20:18] It's five pound dumbbell.
[00:20:21] And so, you know, you've got this in your hand, it's five pounds.
[00:20:24] It's kind of, you know, you know it's there.
[00:20:26] Yep.
[00:20:27] And you're thinking about it.
[00:20:28] Yep.
[00:20:29] So you're standing there.
[00:20:31] Your house is, you know, half of, half of it's gone.
[00:20:33] The roof's gone and then some of the walls are collapsed
[00:20:35] and everything has been drenched in water and ruined.
[00:20:39] You don't know where your dog is.
[00:20:41] You know, and so life at that point is kind of miserable,
[00:20:47] except I've got a fricking dumbbell in my hand.
[00:20:51] It's five pounds.
[00:20:52] Yeah.
[00:20:52] It's kind of annoying.
[00:20:54] Yeah, definitely.
[00:20:55] I got things I want to do.
[00:20:57] Of course.
[00:20:58] But I've got this dumbbell in my hand and it distracts you.
[00:21:02] It takes your mind away from your current circumstances.
[00:21:06] And that's kind of my plan.
[00:21:07] What are some other things you've done for other affected areas
[00:21:10] that are in on your sort of side hustle charity business?
[00:21:15] Well, I always come to come equipped with a clown suit.
[00:21:19] Always.
[00:21:20] And a saucepan and a mallet.
[00:21:23] Uh-huh.
[00:21:24] And I do what I call clown clanking.
[00:21:26] Okay.
[00:21:27] Okay.
[00:21:28] For those not in the clowning business,
[00:21:31] tell us about clown clanking.
[00:21:33] Okay.
[00:21:33] Imagine, you know, your life has been kind of uprooted.
[00:21:37] Your house is devastated.
[00:21:39] You know, your friends and family have all gone in through the same kind of disaster.
[00:21:44] Yep.
[00:21:44] And you're just kind of like, oh my God, what are we going to do?
[00:21:48] Well, then you see a guy coming down the street in a clown outfit,
[00:21:53] clanging a saucepan with a mallet.
[00:21:55] Uh-huh.
[00:21:57] You know, and for a second, you forget that you have a five pound dumbbell in your hand
[00:22:02] and you're looking up the hill as I'm coming down,
[00:22:05] clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang.
[00:22:09] And you know, what is their first thought?
[00:22:12] A white devil.
[00:22:13] Yeah.
[00:22:14] Who's that crazy white devil?
[00:22:16] And why is he making so much noise?
[00:22:19] And I just look at them and I just give them this crazy grin
[00:22:23] because you know, you know, when somebody looks like they're visibly crazy.
[00:22:27] Yeah.
[00:22:27] You don't go, you're not going to intervene.
[00:22:30] You just let them do their thing.
[00:22:31] Of course.
[00:22:32] I learned this in the subway in New York City.
[00:22:34] When somebody looks like they're nuts, you're just not going to intervene.
[00:22:37] You're not going to say, excuse me sir, could you not do that?
[00:22:39] Right.
[00:22:39] You're going to get up.
[00:22:41] You're going to walk around the defecate they just left in the middle of the subway
[00:22:45] and you're going to go into the next car.
[00:22:47] You're not going to do it.
[00:22:48] You're not going to say, excuse me sir, why did you do that?
[00:22:50] Mm-hmm.
[00:22:51] Because they're crazy.
[00:22:52] You don't want to engage.
[00:22:53] So same thing.
[00:22:53] So I'm clanging the pot, coming down the hill, scaring the dogs and cats and the people.
[00:22:58] The kids are looking at me.
[00:23:00] They're kind of, you know, a lot of them it's the first time they've seen a white guy.
[00:23:03] Yeah.
[00:23:04] Uh-huh.
[00:23:05] And this is the impression I want to make.
[00:23:07] So in that moment they're not thinking about the fact that their dog is like at the
[00:23:10] bottom of the ocean probably five miles off Haiti.
[00:23:13] They're thinking about, are in my current danger from this crazy man?
[00:23:18] Yes.
[00:23:19] And, you know, so like that.
[00:23:20] So now all your worries have kind of been what I call is reoriented.
[00:23:25] Mm-hmm.
[00:23:26] And that's kind of, you know, that's kind of what I'm about is I want to reorient your
[00:23:30] tragedy to something else.
[00:23:32] When you did your work on the Polish border with Ukraine, I knew you did, you sort of,
[00:23:39] that was sort of the first time you had done this and really brought something
[00:23:42] that you thought was a real homerun in this regard.
[00:23:44] What did you do for the people who were fleeing Ukraine so they would not be
[00:23:49] murdered by Vladimir Putin?
[00:23:50] Yeah.
[00:23:51] Well, that was a different vibe altogether.
[00:23:53] Sure.
[00:23:53] So this was, you know, their country's been invaded by these, I would call them
[00:23:58] orcs from Mordor and so they've been invaded and, you know, they're uprooted.
[00:24:03] They're all, they're coming in only the women and children and elderly are
[00:24:08] coming.
[00:24:08] The men of age had to stay behind.
[00:24:10] Mm-hmm.
[00:24:12] Sort of the opposite of immigration patterns from people coming from the
[00:24:18] Middle East and Europe, for example.
[00:24:19] Yeah.
[00:24:20] So they're coming in, they're flooding in.
[00:24:23] Okay.
[00:24:23] And so, you know, and there, so how could this, I want them to see it could
[00:24:28] be a lot worse.
[00:24:30] That's a nice way of looking at it.
[00:24:31] It could be much, yeah, I want them to know that it could be much worse.
[00:24:34] So I grabbed a German shepherd.
[00:24:40] Mm-hmm.
[00:24:41] And kind of just charge at them as they were entering Poland.
[00:24:46] Uh-huh.
[00:24:48] And just say, see, it could be worse.
[00:24:49] It could be much worse.
[00:24:51] Right.
[00:24:52] And, you know, a lot of, I think a lot of people, the way they looked at me,
[00:24:56] they understood.
[00:24:58] Well, how would you describe the way that these women and children were
[00:25:02] looking at you?
[00:25:04] I mean, you know, well, I mean, I, the clown suit, the Swastigarn band,
[00:25:09] the saucepan, German shepherd mallet.
[00:25:12] There's a lot to process.
[00:25:14] There's a lot of images coming at you at one time.
[00:25:16] A lot to probably, you know, the kids didn't know what, you know,
[00:25:18] a lot of the kids had never left Ukraine before.
[00:25:21] They didn't know what to make of it.
[00:25:23] And they would look at their parents.
[00:25:25] Their parents would kind of look at me, then look at the kids.
[00:25:28] And in a lot of instances, they would turn around and go back into Ukraine.
[00:25:33] So, you know, they were returning home quite, quite quickly.
[00:25:37] That seems like a positive if you don't think about the circumstances.
[00:25:41] Yeah.
[00:25:41] I mean, I thought it was great at the time.
[00:25:45] It's great, Brian.
[00:25:46] Well, you know, thank you for all.
[00:25:49] I mean, once again, you know, as Octavius would probably say, you know,
[00:25:52] thank you for all of your, thank you for your big heart.
[00:25:56] Thank you, Jack, for my big heart.
[00:25:57] Well, I mean, I had nothing to do with it.
[00:25:59] Please don't associate me with any of these schemes and scams for real.
[00:26:03] Like that's an important distinction we need to make.
[00:26:05] Okay.
[00:26:06] Yes, Jack.
[00:26:07] Thank you.
[00:26:08] Now I'm confused though.
[00:26:10] You describe a scenario in Ukraine where they're getting these innocent people
[00:26:19] are getting bombed and blown up.
[00:26:21] But maybe I was just busy that year, but I don't remember any college protests
[00:26:27] sticking up for the, you know, the rights of these Ukrainians.
[00:26:30] What am I misremembering?
[00:26:33] No, no.
[00:26:34] Well, it's because there are no Jews left in Ukraine.
[00:26:38] Okay.
[00:26:39] Got it.
[00:26:40] Yeah.
[00:26:41] So that, you know, there's just nothing to protest there.
[00:26:44] Okay.
[00:26:45] So it's just sort of like no big deal and NBD.
[00:26:50] It's an NBD is what we call it in the not protesting business.
[00:26:56] How's that business going for you these days?
[00:26:59] Well, I mean, not so great.
[00:27:01] Yeah.
[00:27:02] I've noticed.
[00:27:03] I tried to set up a not protesting operation in Chicago and I just, man,
[00:27:08] I got my ass handed to me.
[00:27:09] I bet you did.
[00:27:11] It was just like, I just, I had banners that said, let's not do this.
[00:27:15] And I got nowhere.
[00:27:17] I'm sorry to hear that.
[00:27:19] So I packed it up early.
[00:27:21] I was going to spend the whole week there, but called it called it a day.
[00:27:25] And so what were you dressed up as, you know, in your day in Chicago?
[00:27:29] I was trying to fit in.
[00:27:30] Okay.
[00:27:32] So like a Chicago Bears hat or a Chicago Cubs jersey?
[00:27:36] No, I fit.
[00:27:37] I wore a Swastika and a clown suit and I totally blended in.
[00:27:40] Yeah.
[00:27:41] You'd be indistinguishable from the people outside that arena.
[00:27:44] Yeah.
[00:27:44] I mean, it's so I was in the crowd.
[00:27:46] Nobody, nobody noticed me.
[00:27:47] They thought I was one of them until you started saying, hey,
[00:27:50] let's be reasonable and not do this.
[00:27:54] And that's when they're, you know, they kind of got this.
[00:27:56] They're like, wait a second.
[00:27:58] Who, who are you with?
[00:27:59] And that's when I would set the German Shepherd on them and just to buy me time.
[00:28:05] Well, what was your dog's name?
[00:28:09] My dog's name.
[00:28:10] Yeah.
[00:28:10] The German Shepherd.
[00:28:11] Rape her.
[00:28:16] Geez.
[00:28:18] Yeah.
[00:28:18] It was supposed to be rapier.
[00:28:19] Uh-huh.
[00:28:20] But when I was having the dog tag printed at the Petco and the machine that you can set up there,
[00:28:27] I screwed up, got distracted.
[00:28:29] And so rape her it was.
[00:28:31] What does it mean?
[00:28:33] You have to, you could either buy a new tag.
[00:28:36] It's only $1.99 or you wouldn't have to stick to what's on the tag.
[00:28:41] Well, you know, it's $1.99 and I'm a grandchild of the depression.
[00:28:48] So my grandmother grew up under the depression.
[00:28:50] She was very frugal.
[00:28:52] Uh-huh.
[00:28:52] And I like to think she passed on some of those genes to me.
[00:28:56] Yeah.
[00:28:56] Yeah.
[00:28:57] You know, there's not enough talk about the grandchildren of the depression.
[00:29:02] Yeah.
[00:29:03] It really affected me.
[00:29:05] Yeah.
[00:29:06] Gosh, I'm so sorry, Brian.
[00:29:08] That's why I won't get like a fourth latte.
[00:29:12] You know, I'll be three in and I'll be like, God, I'd love one more.
[00:29:16] You know, it's $8.75.
[00:29:19] Maybe I should save that for beer later.
[00:29:22] I mean, that's right there.
[00:29:26] That right there.
[00:29:27] Like it affects you.
[00:29:28] It affects you.
[00:29:30] God almighty.
[00:29:30] This is the first thing I've heard today that breaks my heart.
[00:29:34] Thank you, Jack.
[00:29:36] Thank you, Brian.
[00:29:37] And more importantly, I'm sorry.
[00:29:39] Thank you for my service.
[00:29:41] Let's go to the next segment.
[00:29:43] Okay.
[00:29:47] Now you'll put the music in here and edit out that horrible coffee just made, right?
[00:29:51] Yes.
[00:29:51] Okay.
[00:29:51] Yeah.
[00:29:52] Like it's important to me because I'm not going to quality check this episode.
[00:29:55] No, I think we want to get this out quickly because people keep sending emails.
[00:30:00] Which we got to get to yes.
[00:30:01] What?
[00:30:02] Which keeps it and they keep saying like, well, what happened?
[00:30:04] Yes.
[00:30:05] But just to confirm though, this is going to be out of the episode because you will
[00:30:12] play the music and then we'll do your next like, you know, advertiser bit, right?
[00:30:17] Yeah.
[00:30:17] Yeah.
[00:30:18] Okay.
[00:30:18] Okay.
[00:30:19] Yeah.
[00:30:21] Jack.
[00:30:22] Brian.
[00:30:24] Oh, very unprofessional stuff.
[00:30:27] I'm sorry.
[00:30:28] I turned off the coffee filter.
[00:30:29] The episode started off so strong and then you like it's gotten sloppy my brother.
[00:30:36] Going off the rails but I'm sorry, but I sent you a potential sponsor.
[00:30:42] Ooh, another one.
[00:30:43] I'm very excited.
[00:30:44] And this is a big one.
[00:30:45] This is a famous company.
[00:30:47] Okay.
[00:30:47] Famous Hershey's.
[00:30:49] Have you heard of them?
[00:30:51] Yes, I've heard of Hershey's and I know your stance on Hershey's.
[00:30:56] Hershey's is a great company.
[00:30:58] It's been around forever and they're interested in having spots on our show.
[00:31:05] They like they're targeting specifically people who like an approximation of chocolate who
[00:31:10] are willing to listen to a podcast sporadically to wait long times in between episodes.
[00:31:18] And when it happens, when necessary.
[00:31:21] Right.
[00:31:22] That's your target demo.
[00:31:23] And for people who definitely get the idea that only you have that Hershey's is bad chocolate
[00:31:33] because you know most people would say like oh Hershey's that's a nice little treat but
[00:31:37] for some reason you have it in your head that it's garbage and you want to keep
[00:31:42] making this opinion to an audience of none.
[00:31:44] So that are you talking about that target demo?
[00:31:47] Yep.
[00:31:48] I mean that target demo too is some of their influential.
[00:31:52] Okay, sure.
[00:31:54] Okay, I've gotten the script right here and I've never read it before in my life.
[00:31:59] I'd like I'd like you to read it just right away please.
[00:32:01] Okay, count me down.
[00:32:03] Professionally three, two Hershey's approximation of chocolate one.
[00:32:10] Questionable material with Jack and Brian is brought to you by Hershey's Queer Edition.
[00:32:14] Come on.
[00:32:17] It's the same Hershey's chocolate made with high fructose currant syrup that you know and love
[00:32:21] but with a special focus on the LGBTQIA plus plus et cetera yada yada community.
[00:32:28] Hershey's Queer Edition comes in its own distinct packaging which is whatever the most recent version of the pride flag is.
[00:32:35] Hershey's Queer Edition has its own distinct brands like Mrs. Goodbar, same sex kisses, milk dudes and Reese's Peany Butter Cups.
[00:32:49] Jesus.
[00:32:50] Hershey's Queer Edition also offers new flavors of our famous high fructose corn syrup based chocolate bars.
[00:32:57] Try exciting new flavors like Toffee Pride, Hazelnut They Them's Prize, and Peep Buttigieg.
[00:33:08] You can find Hershey's Queer Edition at any retail outlet in California, Portland, New York City and Chicago.
[00:33:14] Don't delay. Hershey's Queer Edition could be very temporary if we get too much blowback by Manganazi fascists or Middle America.
[00:33:22] Hershey's for over 130 years. We've been America's foremost makers of chocolate made with high fructose corn syrup.
[00:33:32] Shucks.
[00:33:33] Even I know I didn't get that one. I'm not going to ask.
[00:33:35] Oh boy, that was just brutal.
[00:33:37] God, I'm so sorry.
[00:33:39] Oh my goodness.
[00:33:41] And I'm giving you a hard time about being unprofessional. Jeepers creepers.
[00:33:45] Oh my goodness. Well, that's a shame.
[00:33:47] I am so sorry to you and to America.
[00:33:50] That is a... that company, you know, they've got some cash.
[00:33:53] We owe them money.
[00:33:55] There's a lot of money in pseudo chocolate.
[00:33:59] So much.
[00:34:01] Well, that's all right, Jack.
[00:34:03] Those other sponsors, I'm sure.
[00:34:05] I'm sure there'll be one at the end of the show.
[00:34:06] Maybe.
[00:34:08] No promises.
[00:34:10] Can you clear your throat and say it again?
[00:34:14] Possibly.
[00:34:18] So Brian.
[00:34:19] Yeah.
[00:34:20] So I noticed a little message, a little tweet on the X platform that you published very recently that I wanted to ask you about.
[00:34:33] Formerly Twitter, Jack.
[00:34:34] Formerly Twitter.
[00:34:35] So you probably know what I'm talking about.
[00:34:38] This was from August 15th, so five days ago when we're recording this episode, at 9.33 at night.
[00:34:45] Okay, very good.
[00:34:46] And it says, I'm going to read your tweet.
[00:34:49] Okay.
[00:34:50] Here we go.
[00:34:52] Listed a home for sale.
[00:34:54] Yes.
[00:34:55] Couldn't say fenced in yard is great for kids because some people don't have kids.
[00:35:01] Couldn't say short walk to the village because some people can't walk.
[00:35:06] Couldn't say she shed because it's not gender inclusive.
[00:35:10] The most delicate generation is sad.
[00:35:14] Yeah.
[00:35:15] So I'm actually interested in the reality of this.
[00:35:19] So you guys built a house and now finally after a lot of hard work and a lot of money and a lot of time are finally putting up for sale.
[00:35:27] Good luck.
[00:35:27] I hope it makes a killing.
[00:35:29] But you ran into some issues with the listing agent in terms of how to describe the house.
[00:35:33] Yeah, my business partner and I built houses.
[00:35:37] So we built this house and we went to Listed, talked to the, I had the agent, the house is ready.
[00:35:43] So I talked to her and she goes, oh, you know, you're a writer, right?
[00:35:48] And I was like, yeah.
[00:35:49] And she goes, well, if you have any ideas.
[00:35:51] So I wrote her like a little blurb.
[00:35:53] Awesome.
[00:35:54] All this is true by the way.
[00:35:55] Yep.
[00:35:56] And then she came back with, well, we can't say this.
[00:36:00] So she legit said, you know, you can't say the backyard is great for pets and kids.
[00:36:07] The fenced in backyard and I said, how come?
[00:36:09] She said, well, it's the fear housing act.
[00:36:11] And some people don't have kids.
[00:36:15] I said, well, that's fine.
[00:36:16] They can probably figure out that it's good for pets or just a nice backyard.
[00:36:20] Yeah, you just can't say it.
[00:36:22] And then she goes, and you can't say it's a short walk to the village because some people have mobility issues.
[00:36:28] I was like, well, I had a friend in a wheelchair who would not have a problem with saying, hey, it's a quick walk down the street.
[00:36:35] But apparently that's not allowed.
[00:36:37] And then, wow.
[00:36:39] Then she said, yeah, I had the she shed.
[00:36:42] So we built a really cool shed in the backyard called it a she shed because it, you know, just a little perk.
[00:36:48] And she's like, well, it can't really have a gender to it.
[00:36:51] So it's a now called a studio shed.
[00:36:54] Jesus.
[00:36:55] Really?
[00:36:56] Yeah.
[00:36:56] And then she said, and the master bedroom has to be called a primary bedroom.
[00:37:00] That one I know about.
[00:37:01] Which I'd heard about already.
[00:37:02] And I was like, what else just dumb.
[00:37:04] Yes.
[00:37:05] And I told her, I was like, listen, this is just stupid.
[00:37:09] And she goes, no, I agree with you, but it's what we have to do.
[00:37:12] And then I asked some more folks and I found out you can't even say, you know,
[00:37:17] there's a church around the corner because then you're implying you're pushing a particular religion.
[00:37:25] So you basically dumb people were able to make rules that normal people now have to abide by
[00:37:35] which strips listings of any kind of color.
[00:37:38] It's just all about it's just the most generic listing you can imagine.
[00:37:44] What I was thinking is like, well, you know, what if this house is out of the price rate?
[00:37:49] If somebody can't afford this house, maybe I shouldn't even list it because that's going to hurt their feelings.
[00:37:54] Yeah, they'd be sad that there are a couple hundred thousand dollars short of being able to buy that house.
[00:37:58] Or maybe I shouldn't even put the price down.
[00:38:02] Wow.
[00:38:03] So yeah, we're just, we've entered the just the dumb zone.
[00:38:07] It's the Twilight Zone, but it's stupid.
[00:38:10] It's not well written.
[00:38:15] Golly.
[00:38:15] OK, well, you know, would you mind if we just talked a little bit more about the house?
[00:38:20] Yeah, of course.
[00:38:21] You know, so I, you know, I love that forgetting what the listing agent said.
[00:38:26] I love that you made a she shed that was just sort of for ladies and I'd love to know.
[00:38:32] I know what a, you know, sort of measured and, you know, rational guy you are.
[00:38:37] I just sort of love to know how you made it a she shed.
[00:38:40] And, you know, what were some of the features that made it sort of friendly for women?
[00:38:45] Well, you know, we wanted to make it give it a more feminine quality to it.
[00:38:52] So, you know, the floor of the she shed is just it's soft.
[00:38:56] The walls are pink.
[00:38:59] Because women women love pink.
[00:39:01] Yes, they all do.
[00:39:03] And the door handle is very easy to manipulate to open with like a woman's hands.
[00:39:11] Like whether you're just a regular female or a female boxer, it's just you can just open the open the door easily.
[00:39:18] Because I've seen a lot of women struggle opening doors.
[00:39:21] You ever see that?
[00:39:21] They just have a hard time with door knobs and I thought and I mean, I hope this will be taken in the in the spirit that is intended.
[00:39:30] I don't mean this to be controversial, but I always thought that was because of their smaller brains.
[00:39:35] No, it's it has something to do with the fact they can't parallel park.
[00:39:40] Oh, OK.
[00:39:41] Well, then see again, I stand corrected.
[00:39:44] So the she shed has a gentleman who will open the door for you.
[00:39:50] Oh, how lovely.
[00:39:51] That's yes.
[00:39:52] That's quite a quality for a house.
[00:39:54] Yeah, no, it's where we've got a guy he's there from nine to five.
[00:39:58] He will open the door for you.
[00:40:00] When you want to enter the she shed.
[00:40:03] Well, that's what sort of screening process did you I mean, because I know sometimes in new home construction, sometimes some corners are cut to save a little bit of money.
[00:40:15] What sort of screening process did you have for this guy who is sort of exclusively working the she shed?
[00:40:22] I don't know much about him.
[00:40:23] He's some Greek dude.
[00:40:24] He was looking for a job.
[00:40:29] He had just gotten out of prison and, you know, I felt bad for him.
[00:40:35] Yeah.
[00:40:37] That's that's great.
[00:40:39] So I hired him on the spot.
[00:40:42] He was happy for the work.
[00:40:44] She sheds have to have a picture of Tom Selick inside.
[00:40:48] That's this is that's this now this new Hershey's metric show just how old the people are who listen to get these references.
[00:41:00] I'm thinking in this price range, you know, you have to know who Tom Selick is.
[00:41:04] OK, OK.
[00:41:06] So OK, Tom Selick said, yeah, I mean, because all all ladies love Tom Selick.
[00:41:11] So that's right. That's a smart choice.
[00:41:13] There's also there's Harry Styles for the younger ones.
[00:41:17] Because I think he's a macho.
[00:41:20] Yeah. OK, sure.
[00:41:22] But I think the ladies love them.
[00:41:24] Yeah, sure.
[00:41:26] When I think of Machismo and Big Masculine men, I think of Harry Styles.
[00:41:30] And there's a Sam Smith mannequin in the corner.
[00:41:33] Yeah, you're getting all the macho dudes.
[00:41:36] So I just want to I want I want the place to week of testosterone.
[00:41:40] God, you know women so well.
[00:41:43] There's a Richard Simmons store mat.
[00:41:48] So it's got all the accoutrements as we call it in the real estate business.
[00:41:52] Oh, I didn't even know that.
[00:41:54] I don't know how to spell it otherwise it would write it down.
[00:41:57] That's very exciting. OK, so that's really.
[00:42:00] And so in the she shed there's like an activity area.
[00:42:04] Like what sort of activities did you sort of plan for in the she shed?
[00:42:08] Well, I mean, I I'm from I like my mentality is kind of I go way back.
[00:42:14] Like I'm thinking like the fifties.
[00:42:16] OK.
[00:42:17] So there's a knitting area and a stove.
[00:42:22] And that's just that's just and a vacuum.
[00:42:25] Right.
[00:42:26] Because in my mind, that's you know, that's all they want to do.
[00:42:30] Yep.
[00:42:31] Yep.
[00:42:32] You know, maybe nowadays they want to write a book or something.
[00:42:37] But you know, if they want to do that, they can bring their laptop.
[00:42:39] Google that. You let your women have laptops?
[00:42:42] I don't personally, but I'm open to women having their own laptops
[00:42:46] if the husband is willing to buy it for them.
[00:42:49] Oh boy.
[00:42:51] So I've asked for a laptop and I just pointed to mine and it lap.
[00:42:54] And I said, this is the only laptop you need.
[00:42:58] How did she react to that?
[00:43:00] Well, she has to have sex on command based on our contract.
[00:43:04] I have a great prenup tool.
[00:43:06] That's a great prenup.
[00:43:08] Yeah, it's awesome.
[00:43:09] That's what you get a foreign woman who doesn't know a lick of English
[00:43:13] to sign a contract.
[00:43:14] That's just good advice.
[00:43:15] Yeah.
[00:43:16] So she signed away everything.
[00:43:18] And so it's pretty great, honestly.
[00:43:21] If you want a good lawyer, I've got his name.
[00:43:23] Great.
[00:43:24] What's his name?
[00:43:27] Salam Ibrahim bin Al-Gohar.
[00:43:33] That's weird and doesn't sound very Irish.
[00:43:37] No, no, he's Afghani.
[00:43:39] Oh, so he draws up all the women handling contracts for you.
[00:43:44] He's your woman guy.
[00:43:46] Yeah, he's out of bug rom.
[00:43:48] And you know, he handled all the contract for me, the prenup tool.
[00:43:54] What's his hourly?
[00:43:57] About, oh, she's about 150.
[00:44:01] $150 an hour?
[00:44:03] No, it's $1.50.
[00:44:04] Oh, okay.
[00:44:06] Afghani, the dollar goes a long way there.
[00:44:08] It's great.
[00:44:10] I have a palace.
[00:44:16] You do?
[00:44:17] I do, but I just, I can't go to it.
[00:44:21] Why can't you go to it?
[00:44:22] Because they'll kill me.
[00:44:26] You know, unfortunately, I'm known there.
[00:44:30] I tweeted a few things.
[00:44:33] I said, Muhammad wasn't very nice.
[00:44:35] Oh, that's okay.
[00:44:37] That's an instant death sentence.
[00:44:39] Did you put a picture of Muhammad up in the she-shed?
[00:44:42] There is a picture of Muhammad in the she-shed.
[00:44:44] That seems wrong.
[00:44:46] Well, I just, it's kind of like, you know how the Jewish households
[00:44:50] have a Mazuzah in the door frame, like a little thing with a little inscription in it.
[00:44:55] It's got some little, I think some Bible writing, Torah writing in there.
[00:44:59] And you tap it, I think when you want.
[00:45:00] So I did kind of took that idea, but it's just Muhammad's face kind of bursting out of the door frame.
[00:45:09] Oh my gosh.
[00:45:11] It looks like he's actually kind of like the Han Solo in Carbonite,
[00:45:15] just kind of pushing through the door frame.
[00:45:17] Like with his wild eyes.
[00:45:20] Like he's like, he just heard you said something he didn't like.
[00:45:24] Man.
[00:45:25] And he's going to smite you.
[00:45:27] That seems scary.
[00:45:29] Yeah.
[00:45:29] And there's actually when you press, you have to press his head as you're entering the door.
[00:45:34] That's for the good luck.
[00:45:35] But when you push it, it says smite you.
[00:45:37] That's very strange.
[00:45:40] You filthy whore.
[00:45:43] Well, it depends.
[00:45:43] It's gender specific.
[00:45:45] Oh, I see.
[00:45:46] Okay.
[00:45:46] It's smite you brother or smite you filthy whore depending.
[00:45:50] Okay.
[00:45:51] What does it say?
[00:45:52] Well, when you walk in.
[00:45:54] No Jews.
[00:45:58] Now, I suppose the real estate lady said you can't put that on a listing.
[00:46:03] You know, I'd already had that.
[00:46:05] Yeah, I tried that on the listing and, you know, she that was an instant no-no.
[00:46:10] When she was touring the property.
[00:46:13] She said the hot tub with the whites only sign was an absolute no.
[00:46:19] Geez, these, these woke sensitive types.
[00:46:23] It's just, it's frustrating.
[00:46:25] That's really frustrating.
[00:46:27] I had the, in the kitchen, you know, they have under the sink.
[00:46:32] The slut box.
[00:46:35] I don't know what a slut box is.
[00:46:36] I don't know either.
[00:46:39] But we just had a cabinet was labeled slut box and she said, take that off please.
[00:46:43] Okay.
[00:46:46] Okay.
[00:46:47] It's just no fun.
[00:46:49] These people took all the fun out of the world.
[00:46:51] And there is, she was especially targeted on the upstairs of this establishment.
[00:46:56] I guess the kids bedroom you all said to take some, make some changes on what,
[00:47:00] what did this sort of woke idiot make a change?
[00:47:04] Well, initially the listing said, you know, kids, kids,
[00:47:08] bedroom, no cat ladies.
[00:47:12] And, and she's like, listen, let's not do that.
[00:47:14] You don't want to go anywhere near that.
[00:47:16] You know, you start getting political people are going to, you know,
[00:47:19] half the country is not going to like it.
[00:47:21] So half your clients are going to be like, now this is not for me.
[00:47:23] Right.
[00:47:24] She's like, please take down the Trump mural.
[00:47:28] In the dining room.
[00:47:29] You did a whole mural of Donald Trump.
[00:47:30] In the, in the dining room.
[00:47:32] I thought, you know, you're eating, you know, wouldn't you like to look up
[00:47:35] and see a former president of the United States?
[00:47:39] Sure.
[00:47:40] It's kind of like Mount Rushmore, an orange.
[00:47:43] What were some of the things in your mural that you'd like some images
[00:47:46] that you created of Donald Trump doing?
[00:47:49] Well, I mean, it's in the dining room.
[00:47:51] So it's dining theme.
[00:47:53] So that we remember, I don't know if you remember like for about
[00:47:56] someone tried to assassinate him.
[00:47:58] I don't know if that made the news.
[00:47:59] It was a brief.
[00:48:01] It was just a thing.
[00:48:02] I guess so.
[00:48:03] Guy took a shot at him or something.
[00:48:05] And he did this, this very dramatic pose with his fists like, you know,
[00:48:10] he said fight, fight.
[00:48:11] So we kind of took from that.
[00:48:14] We took from that, but instead he's holding a ladle.
[00:48:19] And it says eat, eat, eat.
[00:48:23] So, you know, it's dining theme.
[00:48:25] Uh-huh.
[00:48:29] Okay.
[00:48:30] I guess so.
[00:48:31] Um, and did you do I remember correctly?
[00:48:35] Cause I didn't understand it at the time when you mentioned,
[00:48:37] but I think it makes sense now.
[00:48:38] You said that you had hired someone.
[00:48:40] You'd commissioned someone to draw something on one of your walls.
[00:48:44] I guess it's making sense now with Donald Trump,
[00:48:47] Richard Simmons and the Prophet Muhammad.
[00:48:48] Yes.
[00:48:49] So you have like a three shot.
[00:48:51] Like what's that image?
[00:48:52] What does that look like?
[00:48:55] What's that image?
[00:48:56] That's in the family room.
[00:49:02] Basically it's Richard Simmons with his classic, you know,
[00:49:05] why are you fat pointing to Donald Trump who's kind of looking down at his belly?
[00:49:10] Got a little bit of a, little bit of a gut.
[00:49:12] I hadn't noticed.
[00:49:13] Yeah.
[00:49:14] And then Tom Selleck on the side was kind of like just kind of with his arms crossed.
[00:49:21] Uh-huh.
[00:49:22] Being macho.
[00:49:23] Sure.
[00:49:23] Well, he probably voted for Trump.
[00:49:24] So yeah.
[00:49:24] Okay.
[00:49:25] Being macho, love it.
[00:49:26] And very subtly you see his, the way his finger is pointing,
[00:49:30] it actually points to the men's only bathroom.
[00:49:36] Oh, that's a cool little hidden thing.
[00:49:40] And then is it, is it out of Tom Selleck's chest hair?
[00:49:43] Is the Prophet Muhammad?
[00:49:45] Yeah.
[00:49:46] So you're not supposed to draw the Prophet Muhammad is what I was told.
[00:49:51] Okay.
[00:49:51] And I mean, the, I had the initial guy who was willing to do it,
[00:49:56] uh, I guess was beheaded.
[00:49:58] So we got another guy on thumbtack, which is a website for getting people to do work around the house.
[00:50:04] Okay.
[00:50:05] So he came in.
[00:50:06] So he's like, what if I hide Muhammad in Tom Selleck's chest here?
[00:50:11] And I said, let's run with that.
[00:50:13] Let's do that.
[00:50:14] So very clever.
[00:50:15] You can see if you have to kind of squint,
[00:50:17] but you'll see the Prophet Muhammad in Tom Selleck's chest hair.
[00:50:21] Cool.
[00:50:22] Yeah.
[00:50:22] And he is pointing to the young women's room.
[00:50:28] What's your, what's your sort of thinking behind that message?
[00:50:31] Well, I know he was married to a nine year old girl in his fifties.
[00:50:35] And I thought, wouldn't it be cool if he was pointing to a bathroom for nine year old girls and younger?
[00:50:42] It's so cool, man.
[00:50:43] Yeah.
[00:50:44] That's so cool.
[00:50:45] I love, I love celebrating religion.
[00:50:48] I do too.
[00:50:49] I love it.
[00:50:53] He's a great man.
[00:50:54] You know, kinda get his name
[00:50:56] because I'd love to use him to do something around the house.
[00:50:59] Well, he's no longer with us.
[00:51:01] Oh, where did he like move away?
[00:51:04] No, he was.
[00:51:06] I mean, he was actually leaving the premises and he was tackled in the street
[00:51:09] and gunned and then shot and then beheaded
[00:51:13] in front of a crowd of onlookers,
[00:51:23] wasn't in the listing, but that's another thing is you have to list any crimes in proximity
[00:51:29] to the house you're selling.
[00:51:30] I didn't know that.
[00:51:31] Part of the Fair Housing Act.
[00:51:33] God, see, I get...
[00:51:34] You got to read these things, Brian.
[00:51:36] Yeah.
[00:51:37] So now, you know, it's a...
[00:51:38] The listing sounds pretty promising and then right at the end, it's like, and also...
[00:51:42] A religious hate crime took place on our street.
[00:51:44] Yeah.
[00:51:45] Yeah.
[00:51:46] So...
[00:51:47] But there's an athric saying he deserved it for insulting the prophet, peace be upon
[00:51:50] him.
[00:51:51] Okay.
[00:51:52] Well, that's better.
[00:51:53] Gotta be accommodating.
[00:51:54] Yeah, I'm not as angry now.
[00:51:56] Well, Brian, you know, good luck with the house.
[00:51:58] Keep us informed in how it goes and thanks for sharing all this really helpful information.
[00:52:03] Thanks, Jack.
[00:52:03] I'd like to be helpful.
[00:52:04] You are.
[00:52:06] Thank you.
[00:52:06] You're welcome.
[00:52:07] We don't even need to do the thing about the music.
[00:52:08] You'll probably know at this point to put in the music is the show's ending, right?
[00:52:12] Yeah.
[00:52:13] The stinger.
[00:52:15] Yeah.
[00:52:15] You see, you'll put that in already the stinger.
[00:52:18] It's already...
[00:52:19] Yeah, it's already happened.
[00:52:20] And right in the cough will never make air.
[00:52:22] That you just...
[00:52:23] Not gonna...
[00:52:23] Right.
[00:52:24] You're like, okay, great.
[00:52:26] Hi, Jack.
[00:52:28] Hi, Brian.
[00:52:29] Jack, you know there's money in advertising.
[00:52:31] I've told you this so many times.
[00:52:33] Yeah, I know.
[00:52:34] It's gotten crazy.
[00:52:35] Mm-hmm.
[00:52:36] So, I have one more script for you to read and if you read it correctly, you
[00:52:40] know, I mean professionally not correctly.
[00:52:43] Right.
[00:52:44] Then we've got a chance at making some money.
[00:52:46] I just sent it to you.
[00:52:47] I heard the whoosh noises in my headphones.
[00:52:48] So, it's on its way through the internet.
[00:52:51] And when you get it, please just read it and let's land a sponsor.
[00:52:54] Great.
[00:52:55] We don't need any setup here.
[00:52:56] We've already explained it enough times.
[00:52:58] People already know the bit.
[00:52:59] Okay.
[00:52:59] I just got it.
[00:53:00] Yeah.
[00:53:02] Okay.
[00:53:03] It just says book title at the top of this.
[00:53:05] I don't know what that is.
[00:53:06] Count me down.
[00:53:07] I'm sorry.
[00:53:10] It's Jack Libby Lawn Services.
[00:53:13] Okay.
[00:53:13] So, this is for Jack Libby Lawn Services.
[00:53:15] Okay, great.
[00:53:15] That's right.
[00:53:16] Count me down.
[00:53:16] Three Jack, two Jack, one Jack.
[00:53:20] Questionable material with Jack and Brian is brought to you by Jack Libby, the Lawn Barber.
[00:53:27] Other Lawn companies will show up with some Hispanic guy in a big loud mower, disturbing
[00:53:31] the peace and filling the place with gas fumes.
[00:53:34] Well, not Jack Libby.
[00:53:36] Jack was born and bred in America and when he does your lawn, he brings only a comb,
[00:53:41] shears, and a love-for-lying prone on the ground for around 22 hours an acre.
[00:53:48] Jack Libby treats your lawn with respect it deserves and gives it the best lawn cut it's
[00:53:53] ever had.
[00:53:55] Jack Libby brings passion to his work and even if it takes a week, he will make sure every
[00:54:00] blade of grass is perfectly cut.
[00:54:02] They don't make artisans like Jack Libby anymore.
[00:54:05] Don't believe me?
[00:54:06] Ask his ex-wife Gladys.
[00:54:08] She knows all about his work ethic and dedication to his craft.
[00:54:12] Know what she doesn't know?
[00:54:13] How to please a man whose genitals have been compressed from laying on the ground, cutting
[00:54:17] Earth's hair for decades on end.
[00:54:20] Would it have hurt you to read a book, Gladys?
[00:54:22] Like I don't know, Noam Chomsky's A Treatise on Pleasing Compressed Weaners might have
[00:54:26] clued you in?
[00:54:28] Lazy Harlot.
[00:54:29] Jack Libby is all about quality, commitment, and Lyme disease.
[00:54:36] So many ticks on your grass.
[00:54:38] But that's nothing for you to worry about.
[00:54:41] Just hire Jack Libby today and tell him, work magic on your lawn.
[00:54:45] Jack Libby the Lawn Barber offers competitive prices and will absolutely goes postal if
[00:54:51] that whack president chick tries to put price controls on his business.
[00:54:56] Check him out on the internet at jacklibby.partners.
[00:55:09] Great.
[00:55:10] Shucks.
[00:55:14] Dumb partners.
[00:55:17] I wrap up this show.
[00:55:18] I know it's a domain.
[00:55:19] It's a real domain, Jack.
[00:55:20] We had a sponsor.
[00:55:22] I know it is.
[00:55:22] Look, if you're a business and you don't use silent partners, you're an idiot.
[00:55:25] Okay.
[00:55:25] Anyway, let's just go use silent partners folks.
[00:55:28] Don't make me sad again.
[00:55:30] Well, Brian, that brings us to the end of an unforgettable episode.
[00:55:35] Yeah, Jack.
[00:55:36] You know what?
[00:55:36] We should do this weekly.
[00:55:38] You know what?
[00:55:39] I promise we will.
[00:55:40] Okay.
[00:55:42] Okay.
[00:55:43] Well, you know, thanks for everything, Brian and I'll see you next week.
[00:55:47] See you next Tuesday.
[00:55:50] Wait what?